Losing a part of me

Category: Family

  • Day 878

    I don’t know how I wrote this but did not press publish. Sorry about that… Here is yesterday’s article! -MDG

    It is funny how certain things can bring back memories from however long ago; when I was a child my father’s phone number at the office was 878-3371. Typing in the title of today’s article that came flooding to the fore. When I write ‘when I was a child,’ I truly mean it… he left that firm when I was not yet eight years old… nearly 44 years ago. Because of that, I second-guessed myself, so I typed the number (with the area code) into Google and sure enough, the website of the firm that he was with when I was a child came up. I miss him so much.

    I gained another .6 lb. this morning, bringing me up 2.4 lbs. in the last two days. Fortunately, I think that my brain is back to normal, so I should not have to worry about eating for that. I will, however, need to worry about eating when I go for lunch with my son (or sons – that is not yet clear). My son the younger wants Lone Star Texas Grill, and I am more than happy to accommodate him… even if today was not Father’s Day, which it is. I am thrilled to be seeing him (or hopefully them).

    A couple of notes on this morning’s weight gain:

    1. Yesterday I ate more than I had planned to; I had bought a carton of eggs for breakfast, and had quite a few left. I ended up making a large omelette for dinner with the remainder of the onion, and sliced up the remainder of the cucumber which I had on the side. There is now no food left in the house to tempt me this morning;
    2. It was only after I returned from taking Princess Sophie for her walk and then drinking my morning shake that I was able to successfully move my bowels, and there might not really have been so much weight gain had it come prior to my weighing myself.

    With all of that said, I am still pleased that I did not gain more weight than I did. As I prepared to step onto the scale, I said to myself that if my weight was 283 lbs. or less then I would be satisfied. It came in at 282.4 lbs. … I was relieved that I did not gain more than I did over the two days.

    And so, today I restart the program… with a possible necessary exception of lunch with my sons, but I will order very intelligently, and will eschew the proffered chips and salsa. I enjoyed my first meal replacement shake of the day at 10:30am, which means that I should not be too hungry when I get to the restaurant. I will order the same dish that I did the last time I was there… although I confess, I do not recall what that was. If I do not recognize it on the menu then I will look up the nutritional values on their website. The afternoon and evening will be meal replacements only.

    It is possible that a friend may be coming over to join me on the balcony for a cigar this afternoon, but that is still a very tentative thing that we discussed in passing. We will see, and if he does not then I will still enjoy the afternoon. I plan to retrieve the dresser from my locker so that I can use it as the chest of drawers in my office area… replacing the plastic monstrosity that I have been using for nearly three years (and which sat in my storage locker for four years prior to that… and which was probably in my office in my previous apartment in Burlington, although I confess I do not remember that far back.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 857

    While this will still be Sunday morning’s article, I am starting it Saturday afternoon. Why? Mostly because of how proud I am of myself for having taken my son the younger for lunch at Lone Star Texas Grill and I did not even take one chip. I did not cheat at all! This, despite the fact that I had forgotten that I would probably be hungry and should consider consuming my second meal replacement of the day before I left. This, despite having knocked on the door to the house (needing to pee) and being greeted by the man who had an affair with my ex-wife while we were married, and while I had socialized with him prior to (and possibly during) the affair, I have not seen him in ten years. It seems that my ex-wife got the days mixed up so nobody was expecting me to show up… otherwise I assume he would have hidden himself away (as he has always done previously). No, I did not cheat… and as I was driving home, I stopped at the supermarket because I needed to buy coffee, and I still did not cheat. Saturday morning was a series of huge non-scale victories for me!

    With that said, it is now 2:20pm, I have had my second meal replacement of the day, and I am still quite hungry. I have to take my mind off of it. I’m going to change into my workout clothes and get on the treadmill for an hour. That way, if I do falter and decide to buy a handful of almonds, I will at least have earned them.

    —

    Wow, Saturday is/was definitely not the day to exceed previous expectations. I wrote earlier that I hope that “…I am hoping that today or tomorrow I will be able to push that to a full hour of jogging…” well that really did not happen! I slowed from a jog to a brisk walk after 3km, and only did another half kilometre. I showered and realized that I needed energy. I broke down and drove to the store to pick up some almonds.

    I’ll write more Sunday.

    —

    I spent the rest of the day yesterday in a state of hunger or lethargy or whatever it might have been, and I was tempted to give up. I did not. I did eat my almonds, and I joked with Leslie that I was going to pick up Chinese food, but it was only in jest. I spent a few hours in bed watching television but did not nap. When it was finally time for my final shake, I got up and prepared it, then Leslie and I had a lovely video date on the patio.

    When we were chatting, I told her that one of the things that I am really looking forward to is ketosis kicking in. I did fine the first couple of days, but yesterday I hit a wall and my energy level dropped to nil. With my almonds (I am estimating that I had 250 calories worth yesterday) and my coffee with milk and sugar I estimate that my caloric intake was around 1200 calories, and that is not enough to sustain high energy levels until the body starts fueling itself by burning fat instead of the usual carbohydrates. Once I hit that then I should be good to go. It should be today or tomorrow… and I likely won’t know for sure until I get onto the treadmill later.

    I have not mentioned the weight loss chart that I printed and put on my fridge. Since pinning it there I have crossed off five marks in four days, which means that as of this morning my weight loss is over ten pounds, a tremendous feat for four days of dieting. I have a long way to go before I start celebrating though. While I know that I lost 17.5 lbs. in the first week when I first did the program in 2017 (I checked my records), looking at my spreadsheet from this time around (which starts on Day -11 – January 9, 2022) it took me ten days to lose fourteen pounds… but then again, that was also from the time when I know that my bathroom scale was not accurate. Whatever it might be, I will be thrilled if I drop 15 lbs. in the first week of the program… but even if I do not then I will still be happy with the ten-pound drop that I have already achieved.

    I wrote yesterday that I would be able to achieve a full hour of jogging this weekend. Obviously, it did not happen yesterday, but I am going to try again today. Even if I do not achieve that, I would still be happy if I could jog 5km and then finish the hour power walking. At the pace that I have been setting my treadmill at (4mph), I am tracking about 9m20s per kilometre, which means about 47 minutes for 5km… if I achieve that, then I will slow the pace to 3.5mph and will walk at least one more kilometre. This is all speculation of course and will depend on how much energy I have. If I cannot do better than I did yesterday, then at least I will make sure to do that much and will call it a day and try again tomorrow.

    While it is cooler than it was during the week, it looks to be turning into a lovely day, and I look forward to relaxing on the balcony with a cigar shortly. A Facebook friend (who is a member of my cigar group) has come into town, and he told me that he will be coming by for a visit this afternoon. I look forward to meeting him and enjoying a cigar and conversation with him. I will offer him a drink if he wants one, but I am going to stick to water and coffee. If I did not cheat on the program yesterday at Lone Star with my son, then I am certainly not going to do so at home with a friend who is still really a stranger. Who knows? Maybe he will just want coffee as well.

    I am not sure if it is because I have been adding fibre to one of my shakes every day, but so far, I have been able to move my bowels every day… although there was one day when it did not happen in the morning, but later in the afternoon. As for water, I have been drinking way more than is required, and as such I have been urinating in excess of ten times per day. I know that water is helpful not only for hydrating the body and flushing the system, but it is also supposed to help kerb one’s hunger. Thus far I do not think it has been working, but I will keep trying. It helps that the weather is nice… I usually want to drink less water when it is cold and rainy, and the mostly warm and sunny weather we have been experiencing this past week has helped.

    My weight loss buddy was out of town again this weekend, so we decided to push the meeting to Wednesday evening. I look forward to hearing how her life has been.

    Okay, I think it is time for me to wrap up. I will post again tomorrow… even if I end up starting the article this afternoon (as I did with this post).

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 851

    I have missed a couple of days blogging, and have not been too happy with myself. My weight yesterday morning was 289.2 lbs., a very short step to that dreaded 290 lbs. mark which I have been trying to stay away from. This morning I actually hit that mark for a minute… which is to say that after returning from my walk with Her Floofness I was preparing breakfast and felt the need to move my bowels, which is something I have not been very successful at these last few days. I finally had a good poop, and because I had not eaten yet I decided to reweigh myself. My weigh-in at 8:45am this morning had me significantly down from that, and from yesterday’s weight. Phew!

    Leslie and I decided a few days ago that when her son goes back to his father’s house for a few weeks that we will do the extreme program together for that time, and it begins on Wednesday. I have enough eggs for tomorrow morning’s breakfast, and I will shop today for tomorrow only. I miscalculated on my shopping only because I realized only this morning that today is a holiday and that the grocery stores are closed. The only food I have in the house is a couple of meatless burgers, so that will be my lunch with a salad. I will go out for dinner, but I will eat carefully. While it could be considered a ‘last splurge’ meal, I am not going to go nuts with it. Maybe I will pick up a shawarma plate or something. I will figure that out later today… but not too late, as I am teaching this evening and do not want to have my meal after 9:00pm.

    The past few days have been interesting. I wrote on Friday that my son the elder came over for a dram and a cigar, which was exciting as I had not seen or heard from him since October 11. We had a nice chat, and I invited him to come with me to the suits and tuxedo sale that my lodge was holding Saturday morning. He met me here at 7:30am and we drove down to Grimsby, where we both picked out a tuxedo. He was disappointed that they did not have a better selection of regular suits, but was nevertheless pleased with his new formal wear… as was I. We pulled into my parking lot shortly after 9:00am, and he was able to get to work on time for his shift… which had been my major concern.

    In the early afternoon on Saturday I tried on all of my new duds, and was extremely upset that the pants that I had selected did not fit. I ended up going back in the afternoon, at which point I not only got a pair that did fit, but also got a tails, and at the urging of a couple of the brothers I also picked out a couple more vests, cummerbunds, and bow ties.Now if I can only lose the weight to fit back into the smaller pants then I will be happy with myself.

    Following that, I went to a cigar and barbecue event at a friend’s house down that way. This particular friend hosts events on a regular basis and has been inviting me down for seven years, but this was my first time attending. It was a lot of fun, but I could not eat any of the barbecue because it was all pork products. I did snack, which I should not have. After one cigar I went home and prepared a proper meal for myself.

    Sunday was a strange day. I had very little energy, and although I had planned on going shopping for groceries, I kept putting it off. Around 5:00pm, after eating an early dinner, I lay down for a nap. I had a weird series of dreams that mostly involved my tossing and turning in bed trying unsuccessfully to nap, trying to get to a class that I was teaching and did not want to be late for, and dropping off my dry cleaning while alternately being hindered from doing so by the casts of Seinfeld and Friends… not the actors mind you, the actual characters who were doing their best to make sitcom bits of the dry cleaning experience. I found none of it funny, and when I woke up I was not at all rested, and it was too late to go to the supermarket. I was concerned by three things: one, I was as unrested after a long nap as I had been before the nap (you try dreaming about not sleeping well); two, would the supermarkets be open on Monday  which would be Victoria Day (Spoiler alert: They are not); and three, after having had a full meal at 4:30pm, would I need to eat again. I did take a couple of yoghurts, but nothing more.

    Something else that I was concerned about, although not necessarily just then, was that I had not posted either Saturday or Sunday. If I am going to get back to my best weight ever (I am fifty pounds up!) then I have to be on track. My journal is one of the ways that I keep myself accountable to that, even though it has not helped me these last seven months. Getting back on track is extremely important to me, and I am going to do it. Having Leslie doing it with me will make it a bit easier… it is an extremely difficult program, but doing it alone makes it even harder. She and I discussed it this morning and agreed that having each other to keep us company should make it a little easier. I am nervous… but I am going to succeed. I have to. I want to look good in my tuxedo, after all!

    I have a little more energy today than I did yesterday… but not much more. I have work to do so it cannot be the same sort of lazy Sunday as I had yesterday; even though today is a holiday in Canada, I still do most of my work for American companies, and so they have expectations that do not revolve around Queen Victoria’s birthday. Next Monday is Memorial Day in the US, although I still do not know if I am teaching that night or not. I sent an email just now asking for confirmation, although I have to assume that I am. I will also work during the day, as I am now on a writing project that will require no interaction with anyone else.

    I have changed my mind. After I finish writing this entry I am going to run out to pick up food. I am going to check in on the other supermarket to see if they are open, although I dout that they will be. I will pick up my restaurant meal for lunch, and will have the veggie burgers and a salad for dinner. It makes more sense to eat the heavier meal earlier in the day. After lunch I will probably rearrange my office because I am working on a project that will require me to be recorded for the end result, and we (the recording team and I) agreed that having my very busy apartment as a backdrop might work for live classes, but would not work for a proper and professional recording. I will take Princess Sophie to the neighbour’s so that she is not here while I am moving furniture around.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 848

    I was not happy when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning to find that I was up .2 lb. from yesterday. I ate mostly well, and had expected to see at least a small drop.

    I was shocked (pleasantly) when I got a text message from my son the elder this morning. He came over for a drink and a cigar and we had a nice conversation.

    I went grocery shopping in the afternoon, and then came home and made lunch. By the time I did it was actually 3:30pm, which means it will be my only meal of the day,. I will have a protein bar during my break, but that’s it. Hopefully tomorrow morning I will see at least a slight drop.

    Have a great day… whatever’s left of it!

  • Day 827

    Yesterday went exactly as planned with regards to eating. I had my omelette and some matzah with almond butter and jam for breakfast, and then for lunch I prepared a lovely salad for Leslie and myself: sliced cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and Vidalia onion with a chicken breast chopped into it. I poured a little bit of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar into the bowl and then tossed it. Leslie crumbled some matzah on hers, but I decided not to. It was delicious. For dinner we had our Passover seder (three days late) which consisted of a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls, a hard-boiled egg, matzah with charoset, and a roasted chicken that I seasoned with zaatar. For dessert we had a couple of macaroons. All of this was (of course) kosher for Passover, and aside from the four glasses of wine (which are required for the service) I think I did well both with content and moderation.

    Around 4pm I got a call from an unknown number in Hamilton, Ontario. A young lady had found Her Royal Floofness and called the number on her necklace. It seems my buddy had let her and his (much larger) dog out into the backyard, and when she discovered a hole that a rabbit had dug under the fence, she decided to go exploring. I immediately called my buddy who went and got her (she had not gone far), and Princess Sophie was home safe and sound within a few minutes. With my heart racing a mile a minute, I decided to take a dram of scotch. I doubt anyone would fault me for that. Leslie saw me doing it and approved.

    Due to my recent travel issues and other stressors, my finances are not in a good place right now. I decided yesterday afternoon to email one of my vendors who had an outstanding balance, and he apologized for the tardiness… he had been on vacation with his family, so everything was a few days late. The money was in my account this morning, and I was able to pay down my credit cards so I have a little breathing room, as well as transferring money to my Canadian bank so that I will be able to pay my rent and child support on or before May 1. Phew! I may not be the best father to my children, but I have never missed a child support payment and I never will. My policy is that I will not buy food or drink or cigars before paying that particular obligation.

    On that same topic (my children) I just had a very upsetting phone call with my ex-wife. My son the younger is having a lot of issues, and we are working to get through them. I am hoping and praying that he will be okay, and I am going to do everything I can to help. I thank G-d that Theresa is such a good mother.

    Okay, it is time for me to get working. Have a great day!

  • Day 815

    Okay, change of plans: I am flying to Dallas this morning and not waiting until next Saturday. Why? My wife is having trouble with something that I can help her with, and nothing else matters. You do not mess with my family. She and I have had our issues, but we are working on them and doing very well with that… but even if we were still having trouble then I invite you to reread the italicised sentence: You do not mess with my family. Someone is about to find out that they have messed with the wrong f.cking Jew.

    Yes, I continued to stress-eat the last few days… there were a lot of moving pieces that I needed to put right before I could actually make that change to just get onto the airplane, including (but definitely not limited to) asking my very good friends who are taking care of Princess Sophie to pick her up yesterday and not Friday. I had a hundred other things that needed to get done as well, none of which I could do while waiting on hold with American Airlines for nearly two hours trying to change my ticket. I then went nuts getting things done, all of which had to be put on hold while two friends came over for a cigar (one of which was picking up the Princess, the other picking up something that I thought I had another week to get to him). I had banking, shopping, paying bills, sending invoices, and all of that before I packed for a three-week trip. Yes, I was stressed. Oh, and it did not help that I felt that I needed to eat more because there was food in the fridge that would spoil otherwise.

    And now I’m at the airport waiting to board. I hope to sleep on the plane, but even if I don’t, I slept pretty well last night. I am excited to see Leslie, and I am girding for the fight to defend her. Do not mess with my family.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 777

    After a nearly three-pound drop yesterday morning, my weight rebounded by a pound this morning. I knew that I was likely gaining weight, owing mostly to a lot of demands on my schedule that forced me a) to be in the car a lot, b) to eat dinner much later than I would have normally liked. I did not get back from my last appointment until 8:00pm, which meant that I had dinner around 8:30pm. Yes, it was a healthy dinner (fish and rice), but it was still a late one. I also snacked in the car. Before I threw them out (which I did, on the advice of a reader and friend) I enjoyed a couple of handfuls of the snack mix, and I finished the dried mangoes. Also, knowing what my schedule was going to be like, I ate a couple of protein bars in the car. Had I been smart, I would have called the protein bars my dinner, and I would have been fine. No, I ate them, and then the salmon. Dummy.

    I’m still in a pretty good mood today. I don’t have much going on today, but tomorrow will be pretty busy. It is a lovely day outside, and I plan to spend some time on the balcony with a couple of cigars. I took the Princess for a nice walk this morning, and we will go on another one later. Other than that, it’s a day of relaxation.

    Tomorrow early in the day I have to sit down and have a chat with my ex-wife. I have to discuss our sons with her, and I asked to do it away from them. After that I am seeing friends in the evening which should be nice. Saturday I am taking my son the younger for lunch, which I am really looking forward to… for a couple of reasons.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 653

    I knew my weight would be slightly up this morning and I am not the least bit sorry. As a cheat-treat, and to put a big smile on her son’s face, Leslie and I decided to order pizza for dinner last night. Yes, I wrote in these very pages yesterday morning that we would be cheating, and I do not regret it. In truth, I am surprised that the numbers on the bathroom scale were only up by .4 lb. I will take it and call it a win.

    This afternoon we are going to an entertainment complex where we will probably be feeding the boy. I will do my best to not eat there for a number of reasons: I am trying to not gain any more weight during this trip than I already have, but also I know from experience that it is extremely difficult to keep kosher at those places. I will probably put a handful of peanuts into my pocket before we leave home and will nibble on those if I need it. I do not know what we will be doing for dinner, but I can assume that it won’t be very diet friendly. That’s okay… as of this morning I weigh a little less than 1.5 lbs. more than I did the day I flew to Texas; I had expected to gain up to 5 lbs., and that is clearly not going to happen. I will still not go nuts, but if I have one more cheat meal (and then my travel day, which usually adds a pound as well) then I will still be well within my goals for this trip.

    I have not gotten any walking done during this trip. I will not have the opportunity this coming week either, owing to my ridiculous schedule. I do not know what the weather will be in Canada next weekend, but I suspect I might have to start making regular trips to the gym if I do not want to fall off the working out wagon. I will still try to walk if the weather is nice, but November in Canada is not always conducive to outdoor activities. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 642

    I thought I ate better yesterday than I have the last couple of days, so I was a bit disappointed to discover my weight actually went up (only by .2 lb.) this morning. I think it is the combination of Leslie’s amazing protein balls and the can of Japanese coffee that I drank that did it. That, and the fact that I did not leave the house at any point, and only took 1300 steps. That is what happens when you work from 8:00am to 8:00pm with hardly a break.

    I am working during the day today, but when my class ends at 3:30pm I will be free for the afternoon and evening. I might go for a little walk, but I also have an errand that I have to run. Yes, I have to visit my cigar lounge in order to pick something up which we need before we go to Houston tomorrow evening. It will be nice to see the boys and to chat for a few minutes, but I do not expect that I will be sticking around for a cigar. Leslie’s son goes back to his father’s tomorrow, so this will be the last evening we can spend as a family for the week. I would rather be with them, and I will be able to smoke a cigar after he goes to sleep.

    Okay, it is time for me to get to work. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 634

    The bathroom scale giveth, and the bathroom scale taketh away. After a bit of a cheat day yesterday (mostly from necessity, but I will not go into that) I found my weight up nearly 3 lbs. from yesterday’s incredible best weight ever. I am not going to chalk the number up to the sodium content of what I ate (which was off the chart I am sure) because I could have declined it… or eaten somewhat less. I paid for it this morning, but I will not make a habit of it. I will do better today, and tomorrow morning I will be back under the 240 lbs. mark… even if it takes a few more days to get back to my best weight ever.

    I had a lovely lunch with my son the younger yesterday. He is growing up so nicely, and the fact that he is finally back in school (he had been homeschooled since the beginning of the pandemic) will do great things to help his development. In the meantime, I found it amazing that he is taller than the waitress at the restaurant where we ate… she has known him since we carried him in the bucket.

    My afternoon and evening was a waste of my time, except for that it allowed me to reinforce my position that I do not agree with violence, and that while I am more than happy to fight and die for my country, I will have nothing to do with vigilantism. That is not what we were taught. Someone pointed out this might be at odds with my comportment last Friday. ‘On the day that they call for worldwide violence against Jews you put in an IDF t-shirt and draped yourself in the Israeli flag. How is that different?’ The answer is simple: I would never physically attack someone for supporting Palestinians or for being an Arab. If they give me the same courtesy, then there will be no problem. If they decide that my being Israeli or even just Jewish is a call to violence, then I am not being a vigilante… I am responding to violence with the necessary force to subdue the hateful individual who attacked me. That is not hypocrisy; that is in fact showing the difference between us and them. In any event, I walked away and will continue to pursue my attempts to get back over there.

    I still find it uncomfortable to discuss certain bodily functions, especially in writing and especially in a serious piece that I will publish on my serious blog, but it is part of the process. I suspect if I had been able to weigh myself after my mid-morning bowel movement then this morning’s extreme weight gain might have been less extreme. If only I were able to comfortably do this every day, then I suspect my weight loss would be a bit quicker. I should mention that since I have started eating a second meal every day, these movements have been a bit more frequent (maybe every 2-3 days instead of at best twice weekly), and definitely less painful.

    My plans for the day include a good walk (after the morning’s weight gain, I would likely be going out to exercise in a blizzard!). It is nearly noon, so I am going to prepare my lunch before I go. I am teaching at 5:30pm so I will time my walk to be home in plenty of time to get ready. I do not know if I will be taking a cigar this afternoon but might find time to enjoy one after class. We will see how I am feeling, as well as how the weather holds up. The current forecast is for cloudy skies the rest of the day, so if the wind does not pick up, I should be okay.

    Have a great day folks!