Losing a part of me

Category: Food

  • Day 650

    My friend and rabbi sent out an email this morning suggesting, as we as a people are enduring these terrible times, that we write two things that we are grateful for in a journal every day this month. As this is my journal, I should start with that. I am grateful that. I am grateful that I have the friends and loved ones that I do. My life is not perfect but I am sitting ten feet from my wife whom I love dearly. When we consider the odds of us meeting were truly amazing, I am grateful that we found each other. I am grateful that despite the hardships that we are living with (separated by geography most of the time until we can finally get approval to live together) we can afford to visit each other often and spend time together. I am grateful that despite the growing pains of our relationship that we are able to work out our differences and continue to grow as a couple.

    I am back on track with my weight loss. While I am still 5 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever, I am 2 lbs. lighter than I was yesterday, and 1 lb. lighter than I have been any day since I arrived in Texas. I am happy with that. I am especially happy knowing what I ate yesterday. Breakfast was mostly the same omelette, although since I did not have the right amount of eggs, I added a couple of slices of toast. I spent several hours helping a buddy’s mother with her computer issues, and while I was there her daughter brought us lunch – hamburgers and French fries from Wendy’s. This meal alone might have put an end to any hopes I might have had of happy news from the bathroom scale. It was our last night together alone before Leslie’s son comes home, so I offered to prepare dinner – I bought us salmon (which I prepared with Corn Flakes breadcrumbs) and two potatoes (which I sliced up and tossed with a very little bit of sesame oil and served as air-fried potatoes). After dinner we also indulged in a small sweetie (a pastry straw filled with hazelnut. Yum!) We shared a bottle of wine. All in all, I might have expected my weight to be up from yesterday but it was not. Perhaps that is another thing that I am grateful for.

    I had my regular omelette for breakfast this morning, and I will spend a few hours at the cigar lounge doing some work. I have a bunch of emails I need to answer. I also need to try to make sure that everything I had on my old phone is transferred to the new one (which arrived yesterday) so that I can bring the old phone to Verizon (we traded in). I might have a salad for lunch. We’ll see. I am teaching this evening and will trust Leslie to pick up whatever she and our boy are going to eat for me as well.

    It would be nice if I can stay on track, and tomorrow I can see another decent drop from the bathroom scale. I suspected from the beginning that I would gain a few pounds during this trip. My hopes and goal is that I do not gain too much. I currently weigh two pounds more than my weigh-in from the day before I left Canada. I am painfully aware that I have weighed as much as five pounds more than that since arriving. If I could stay around where I am this morning then it will be a success.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 646

    I have not been eating well these last couple of days, but I also have not been gorging myself. As an example: Leslie and I were at breakfast this morning. She ordered off the menu while I opted for the buffet. I went up once, took what I wanted (an omelette, an English muffin with lox and cream cheese, some berries, and a yoghurt), and went back to the table. When that was done, I knew I could have gone to take more. The old me would have done just that. I did not. I was not trying to ‘get my money’s worth’ out of it. I was sated, and although I could have eaten more, I did not need to… and I did not.

    I had two interactions yesterday that gave me pause to think about my life, and I want to share them here.

    The waitress at breakfast yesterday morning (Gladys) was talking to me. When I told her that my bride and I live so far apart she said, ‘That must be so hard.’ I thought for a minute and responded to this effect: “Gladys, I have seen a lot of very difficult and sad things in my life. From your accent I suspect you were born in Cuba which means that you have too. Would I rather live with my wife? Absolutely. With that said, my friends in Cuba who are grateful for the used clothes and half-empty bottles of shampoo and toothpaste I leave for them have a much harder life than I do. My friends and family in Israel who are at war, and the innocent people on both sides of that war have a much harder life than I do. While I do look forward to living with Leslie, I live a life that allows me to pay my rent and my bills and support my children, and I can still afford to fly to Dallas to see her every month. I can afford to eat breakfast in this lovely restaurant and still smoke the cigars that I want. That’s not a hard life… it is simply one that has some challenges and sadness.” She was surprised by my answer because she said that most people – especially her customers who have money and privilege – are seldom grateful for what they have. She is right. I try to be grateful… even though I do not always succeed.

    The second interaction was with a student of mine. He asked me if he could ask a personal question. ‘How do you deal with stress? In your career you have to deal with so much. Does your faith help you to deal? I think it is so difficult to have faith these days… it is almost seen as a weakness to admit you believe in G-d.’ I responded that it helps to put things in perspective, but that my faith was personal, and I have never felt the need to explain it to anyone. I do not shy away from it, and I do not hide it. With that said, I have never cared what others think about my relationship with G-d. As for dealing with stress, it helps to breathe… whether you do so out of religion in prayer, or just as meditation.” It was a deeper answer than that, but that was the gist of it.

    With all that said, I know I am gaining weight this weekend and I know that when we get back to Dallas I will start to get back on track. I am going to live my life, and I am not going to deprive myself of the occasional splurge.

    Oh, and despite that all I ordered two more pair of pants in the 36×32 size… they will arrive Monday!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 644

    We arrived at our hotel safe and sound, and despite some minor issues (mostly to do with the Internet) there were no real hassles, and we were asleep before 1:00am. That may sound reasonable, but the 6:05am alarm I had set tells another story. Fortunately I am used to that life (even though I don’t really live it anymore) and am able to function quite well on five hours of sleep.

    My diet program is going to be on hold for a few days. That is not to say that I am going to go overboard splurging, but I am not going to pay attention to everything I put into my mouth. This morning I did not have as much time as I would have liked, and the options for breakfast were not great. I splurged on the buffet, which included an omelette, a bagel, and some fruit. I will try not to do the buffet again while we are here. It is just to tempting to ‘try to get my money’s worth.’ I cannot think like that anymore!

    We did not bring the bathroom scale with us so my next morning weigh-in will be Monday morning. If I can stay under 248 lbs. (which would mean a 3-pound gain over the next four) then I will call it a victory.

    (For my Facebook support group)

    I grew! I am two inches taller because of my weight loss! Okay, that is not exactly true… but it could be! The story:

    A couple of years after I got out of the Army, when I was gaining huge amounts of weight unchecked, I acted in a play. The wardrobe guy (I have been trying to remember the proper term) was fitting me for pants and he said ‘Oh right… fat people wear their pants under the belly. Normal people wear them up around their waists.’ Screw you, buddy. I never forgot that…

    After losing 150 pounds (and twenty-five years after that hurtful comment) I decided to try it… I have been buying pants with a 30” length for all these years. When I pulled them up to fasten my belt around my waist, they fit… but my ankles were cold. At least people could see my fun socks!

    I ordered a new pair of pants last week – with a 36” waist – and decided to try an experiment. I ordered 36×32. I put them on yesterday morning and… they fit perfectly! I was equally worried that the 36” waist would not fit comfortably as the 32” length, but both were perfect. I am so excited and am going to order a couple more pair… and when I get back to Canada, I am going to do another purge to deliver more clothes that no longer fit me to the charity drop-off!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 637

    I suspect my weight gain this morning was a correction of the two-pound drop from yesterday. I do not think I cheated so badly (I had some peanuts but that was the worst of it) that I should have gained 1.4 lbs., but there it was. I weigh 240.0 this morning, and I do not want to go above that again.

    I walked away from the keyboard after writing that one short opening; it was only later in the day when I realized that I made another change yesterday which might have contributed to my weight bump. I did not simply spice the chicken when I prepared my lunch, but I breaded it. I won’t be doing that again… not for a little while at least.

    My day is getting away from me, but at least I am being somewhat productive. I am hoping to have a relaxing evening tonight with friends. We’ll see. Before that, I am having a virtual meeting with my diet buddy. It will be good to catch up with her.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 636

    I mentioned a couple of days back (and not for the first time) that it is uncomfortable to discuss certain bodily functions such as bowel movements. I have thought it important to discuss these last few weeks because of the difficulties I have had, often for days on end, and then the pain resulting from my hard (and mostly minor) successes in that domain. This is why I am so excited to write that yesterday I had not one or two but three extremely successful (and not painful bowel movements. I literally felt like my bowels had been hoarding for weeks and finally decided to let go of everything. It was such a relief that I cannot begin to put it into words.

    I ran out to run a few errands yesterday and ended up picking up some farm-fresh eggs. I was so excited that I made an omelette for dinner, in addition to making one for breakfast this morning. I really can tell the difference between these, and the store bought eggs that I am used to. The result was absolutely delicious!

    I did not exercise yesterday. I did not even walk to the supermarket (as I mentioned I might). My legs were still feeling a bit wobbly from the previous day’s walk so I decided to take the day off. I might go this afternoon, but there are a number of factors that might interfere with that. We will see.

    With regard to the bathroom scale: I am back on track! Yes, this morning’s reading on the bathroom scale confirmed a new best weight ever. While I am only .2 lb. lighter than I was Sunday morning before my cheat day, I am a full three pounds lighter than I was the following morning. I’ll take that and run… and work hard to continue on track today.

    I am now the lowest weight I’ve ever been… and I am not sure if I have had a meal replacement in the past 4-5 days. I am thrilled that I continue to lose weight without any product. I am going to ride this without making any changes for a little while to see if I can continue to lose the weight doing what I have been doing, and if I can then I am going to put an end to the meal replacements. I have eleven boxes left which I know I would have no trouble selling should I want to do so. I am not ready just yet… let me see if I can continue eating two meals per day (plus cutting out all food after 7:00pm) and still lose weight. If so, then sometime next month I will sell off most of my remaining shakes. Leslie would be disappointed if I did not follow that up with ‘Do you know how many cigars that money could buy?’

    I have an appointment with a tailor today to see if she can alter my sports jackets and vests before I go to Dallas on the weekend. It feels amazing knowing that I need to do that in order for them to continue to fit well! I am not going to try to get my shirts altered, but the jackets and the vests would be nice… and she promised that I would have them back in time for me to take to Texas which is important because Leslie and I are going to a couple of events that will require a jacket and tie. Worst case scenario, I still have other jackets… but I would love to wear these.

    Okay, it is time for me to get a move on. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 634

    The bathroom scale giveth, and the bathroom scale taketh away. After a bit of a cheat day yesterday (mostly from necessity, but I will not go into that) I found my weight up nearly 3 lbs. from yesterday’s incredible best weight ever. I am not going to chalk the number up to the sodium content of what I ate (which was off the chart I am sure) because I could have declined it… or eaten somewhat less. I paid for it this morning, but I will not make a habit of it. I will do better today, and tomorrow morning I will be back under the 240 lbs. mark… even if it takes a few more days to get back to my best weight ever.

    I had a lovely lunch with my son the younger yesterday. He is growing up so nicely, and the fact that he is finally back in school (he had been homeschooled since the beginning of the pandemic) will do great things to help his development. In the meantime, I found it amazing that he is taller than the waitress at the restaurant where we ate… she has known him since we carried him in the bucket.

    My afternoon and evening was a waste of my time, except for that it allowed me to reinforce my position that I do not agree with violence, and that while I am more than happy to fight and die for my country, I will have nothing to do with vigilantism. That is not what we were taught. Someone pointed out this might be at odds with my comportment last Friday. ‘On the day that they call for worldwide violence against Jews you put in an IDF t-shirt and draped yourself in the Israeli flag. How is that different?’ The answer is simple: I would never physically attack someone for supporting Palestinians or for being an Arab. If they give me the same courtesy, then there will be no problem. If they decide that my being Israeli or even just Jewish is a call to violence, then I am not being a vigilante… I am responding to violence with the necessary force to subdue the hateful individual who attacked me. That is not hypocrisy; that is in fact showing the difference between us and them. In any event, I walked away and will continue to pursue my attempts to get back over there.

    I still find it uncomfortable to discuss certain bodily functions, especially in writing and especially in a serious piece that I will publish on my serious blog, but it is part of the process. I suspect if I had been able to weigh myself after my mid-morning bowel movement then this morning’s extreme weight gain might have been less extreme. If only I were able to comfortably do this every day, then I suspect my weight loss would be a bit quicker. I should mention that since I have started eating a second meal every day, these movements have been a bit more frequent (maybe every 2-3 days instead of at best twice weekly), and definitely less painful.

    My plans for the day include a good walk (after the morning’s weight gain, I would likely be going out to exercise in a blizzard!). It is nearly noon, so I am going to prepare my lunch before I go. I am teaching at 5:30pm so I will time my walk to be home in plenty of time to get ready. I do not know if I will be taking a cigar this afternoon but might find time to enjoy one after class. We will see how I am feeling, as well as how the weather holds up. The current forecast is for cloudy skies the rest of the day, so if the wind does not pick up, I should be okay.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 632

    It was a week ago this morning that I woke up to a series of messages telling me that Israel was under attack. It took me about three hours to get off my duff and realize that I had to do something about it… I mean, aside from praying. For the last week I have been completely unsuccessful at what I have been trying to do, but I am not going to stop trying.

    This morning’s .4 lb. drop was a welcome sight. I am going to try to keep going today with no changes to the food plan. I am now only .2 lb. from my best weight ever, and I plan to be there within a day or two.

    I was both hungry and craving yesterday. I decided that if I was going to go to the supermarket to pick up some peanuts then I was going to walk there so that I could at least balance the cheat with exercise. It is a 5km round trip which I did pretty well, averaging 9m03s per kilometre. It was my first power walk in eight days, and nowhere near as long as most of my outings. With that said, it was also the first time I needed to wear long pants and long sleeves for my outing. It was a good reminder that the summer is behind us. My shorts and t-shirts can go away for the season… or at least they can come with me to Dallas for the winter.

    Of course that is not entirely true. I going to start going back to the gym shortly so that I will be able to keep up my progress. I thought about going yesterday and donning my IDF shirt, but my day was busier than I had anticipated and so that did not happen.

    As I walked back from the supermarket yesterday, I passed a group of girls who were probably in their mid- to late-teens. One of them waved and gave me a big thumbs up and I couldn’t figure out what for until I realized I was wearing an IDF t-shirt. It is nice to know that people around here are supporting us. After my walk with Her Floofness yesterday morning I hung the Israeli flag (which I had previously draped over my shoulders) from the balcony. As I sat outside smoking yesterday a couple of people looked up and smiled. So far it has not been vandalized, which is a good sign.

    My plan for today is to stay home for most of it. I have some work to do but not much, and I have chicken and salad to prepare for a late lunch. Yesterday’s peanuts took the place of a meal replacement, and while there are a few peanuts left over, I might leave them where they are and have my first meal replacement in a couple of days in the early evening. There is rain in the forecast until at least 5:00pm, so if I do plan to exercise then it will likely be at the gym. We will see. Maybe I will bundle up and walk outside after the rain stops. I am hoping to continue my weight loss these next few days… there is a decade milestone that is less than a pound away, not to mention that it is nearly two weeks since I crossed off the last number on my refrigerator chart, and it would be nice to be able to do so tomorrow or Monday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 631

    I did not expect my weight would be down this morning. I certainly did not expect that it would be down 2.4 lbs. from yesterday. Wow! I am now within .6 lb. of my best weight ever from Saturday. I will keep on track as best I can!

    Yesterday I went to the supermarket and bought chicken and vegetables. I cooked the chicken with spices in the air fryer and I prepared an Israeli salad (with balsamic vinegar instead of lemon juice or white vinegar). The meal was finished, and the dishes put away by 5:30pm, and I ate nothing else the rest of the evening. I was not hungry; if I had been then I would have prepared a meal replacement shake. All was good though.

    I am going to enjoy a cigar date with my wife in a few minutes. After that I will prepare an identical meal as the one I ate yesterday. Because I will be eating much earlier today than I did yesterday I fully expect to need a meal replacement sometime either before my class, or else during the break. We will see.

    I am counting down the days until I get onto an airplane to go see my wife. Our time apart keeps getting harder for both of us. It is likely that this time is even harder for us as I try to get orders to deploy overseas. This war is not easy on anyone. My list of prayers for the Sabbath is too much longer today than it was just a week ago.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 630

    The number of calls and texts I am getting from my amazing friends checking up on how I am doing through this war supporting me and telling me that they have me and my family and my country in their prayers continues to bring tears to my eyes. I just wish I could get over there to join the fight… even in a support role.

    My son the elder came over for a drink after my class yesterday evening. He won’t admit it but he is worried that I might get the call. He tried to convince me that once I tried and was denied (twice now) then I have done my duty and I should stay here and get on with my life. It is very sweet of him… even though he knows that I cannot do that. We discussed a lot of other things too, and it was good to catch up. I love him and when he opens up to me it warms my heart.

    That is not to say that his visit did not cause me some level of anxiety. That, coupled with the fact that I had bought a pre-cooked barbecue chicken earlier in the day, resulted in bad things happening on my diet. I am un 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. I will get back on track today and do better.

    I bought the chicken with the intention of trying to integrate a second meal into my day. I originally thought to buy raw chicken to cook, but the timing would not have worked so I bought the cooked one. That was a mistake. It was easy to fall off the program at 11:00pm when the chicken was right there. It would have been a very different story if I had to actually cook it.

    Yes, I am thinking about making that transition from one meal per day to two meals per day. I am going to try again today, which means I will be going to the supermarket shortly. I will not be buying anything prepared. I will buy the provisions to prepare a healthy and tasty lunch. Before I go I should make sure that I have the proper herbs and spices in the pantry… it has been a while since I have needed them!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 629

    I am having a terrible time with what is going on in Israel. I have been trying these last few days to get what is called an ‘Order 8’ which would allow me to get onto an airplane and deploy, but I am having no luck. Most of my friends (and especially my wife) are happy about that. I feel as useless as I ever have. It has caused me to lose sleep, as well as cheat on my program. It is so frustrating that for the first time in twenty-five years my uniform fits… and they will not let me put it on. I just have to keep myself from falling off to the point that I no longer fit into it.

    My weight dropped another pound this morning. I am now 1.6 lbs. heavier than I was Saturday morning before I fell hard for two days. I will continue to try to get back on track with my program; I am flying to Dallas in eleven days and by then I want to be under 240 lbs., which should be achievable by early next week.

    Yesterday I ate only slightly better than the day before, which is to say that I had the same two omelettes and the same bag of chips, but instead of the turkey drumstick I had a shake. Today I will try to do the single omelette and three shakes. I will try my best.

    Have a great day folks!