Losing a part of me

Category: Food

  • Day 725

    I was neither upset nor surprised yesterday morning when I stepped onto the scale to find my weight had jumped three pounds in a day; aside from the fact that Saturday was a travel day, it was also a day replete with flight delays and cancellations which had me sitting in the American Airlines lounge for several hours… before getting onto a flight where the flight attendant was distributing meals and snacks and drinks. I remember writing that I hoped that at least a couple of those pounds would come off before I fly back home Wednesday evening. I was definitely surprised (and not at all upset) this morning to find that I had not only lost all of that weight in a single day, but another pound to boot! We did not eat particularly well yesterday, but we also did not eat particularly much.

    It has been much colder in Dallas than one would expect when thinking of what the weather should be in Texas. We woke up this morning to find it had snowed, and it even continued to snow on and off throughout the morning. I estimate there was nearly a centimetre of snow on the ground. In Canada that would be called Monday. In Dallas, where cars do not have snow tyres and most drivers have little experience and no training in winter driving, it is a day where most people will stay close to home. School and many businesses are not affected as they were last year when I was here for the ice storm because it is a national holiday today, but I suspect many would be closed due to weather. I am going to phone a couple of businesses to see if they are open, but I am not holding my breath. There is enough food in the house for us (I prepared grilled chicken and rice for lunch, and we can find what to eat for dinner), so even if the businesses are open I do not expect we will be leaving the comfort of the apartment… except to walk the dog, which Leslie did alone this morning.

    I suspect many will think me crazy, but I am probably going to sit on the balcony and enjoy a cigar this afternoon. The forecast high is -4°C (25°F), but the sun is out, and the wind seems to have died down. I am not going to do much else aside from that today. Leslie and I have been talking a lot and that is more important. We do not need to be out and about that to talk and spend time together.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 709

    I must have really overdone it yesterday because the bathroom scale was extremely unkind to me. That just means I have to do better today… and I did, considering it is now approaching 6:00pm, and my day is pretty much done… at least, the part that involves food is.

    I met an old friend (and one of my few loyal readers) for coffee this morning. It was nice to catch up. From there I went to take my son for his pre-birthday lunch – yes, he wanted to go to Lone Star, and yes, I ate… I ordered a hamburger, and it could have been much worse. For dinner I had my regular chicken with a couple of air-fried spring rolls. Hopefully the bathroom scale will be nicer to me tomorrow than it was today… although it is not the scale’s fault, is it?

    I am drinking more than I usually do. At first it was because of my broken finger. Now I think it’s because it helps me forget whatever else is going on in my messed-up life.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 686

    I finished my lunch yesterday and then sat down at my computer to log in to my class a little early. As I sat down at my computer, I started feeling a bit of discomfort in my stomach. I went to the washroom and had my most successful bowel movement in weeks. I was shocked that there was so much inside me waiting to come out. I was thinking that I would not be at all surprised if the next morning my weight might drop by a couple of pounds! I actually felt like I shed five pounds, although I know that it does not quite work like that. Still and all, I was happy be finally clear my insides of so much waste. I had been concerned that the discomfort happened shortly after eating my lunch, and worried for a minute that I might not have cooked my chicken thoroughly, thus causing possible food poisoning issues. No, everything was healthy. I was able to return to my computer in plenty of time to teach, but without the discomfort.

    It may not have been quite so dramatic, but the bathroom scale did reward me with a drop of nearly 2 lbs. from yesterday morning. That is nothing to sneeze at. I am still not below 250, but I am much closer than I was a day ago. I will keep that in mind when I meet my buddy for breakfast in a little while. The last time I went out for breakfast with my friend who came from out of town I ordered French toast with maple syrup. I will not do that today. I will order something more in line with what I would normally eat, which is to say something that is not detrimental to my weight loss goals. I may not be completely on track these days, but with what I am going through I am proud of myself for not having gained a lot more weight. It would have been so easy to just fall off the wagon completely. That has not happened.

    Tonight is the first light of Chanukah. I will light the chanukiah as I always do… and hopefully this weekend I will be able to do so with my kids.

    I suppose it is time to head out. My friend and I are meeting earlier than I would normally want to be up, but that’s what we do for friends.

  • Day 678

    The simple rule of thumb is that the day after I order a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with a side of fries I will not lose weight. The fact that I did not gain weight is a triumph.

    I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but that did not last. My eyes popped open a little before midnight, and I could not get back to sleep. Too many stresses going through my head. I finally got back to sleep around 1:30am but slept fitfully. I was waking up early to drive my buddy to the airport. It was great to have him here for a couple of days… I have not been having an easy time of things, and having a friend really helped. Now I will be getting back to my regular routine. If the weather warms up a little, I might even try to get out for a walk tomorrow.

    I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my ultrasound. I am hoping they tell me that the scan is clear, but as I mentioned last week, I strongly suspect they will tell me I have a hernia. Sigh. There is no use worrying about it; they will do the scan and then my doctor will tell me if I need surgery or not.

    I have not been eating too well these past couple of days, but I will get back on track today. I had my normal omelette for breakfast and will have chicken for lunch. I will most likely have fish for dinner, although that is not set in stone. I have to do some shopping today because the cupboards are nearly bare.

    Speaking of which, I suppose I should head out. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 677

    Last night was a difficult, but I got through it. Afterward my friend and I went out for dinner, ending up at the pub down the street. I am not entirely sure why a pub needs to have a gluten-free night, but the truth is that I did not notice the absence of gluten in my fish and chips. Yes, I indulged. Normally I would not have – certainly not after 8:30pm – but I needed to eat, and my diet was not the primary concern. The fact that I did not have anything alcoholic is a huge victory.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were down this morning, but I am still slightly above the 250-pound mark. As I said, my weight goals are not my main focus right now, but it is good that I am still paying attention to it and not going absolutely over the cliff. After my call last night, I told my buddy that I could really go for a plate of deep-fried breaded wings with the sauce dripping, and he told me that it would be understandable. I told him that if I did that then it was a sign that I was giving up on my weight loss… that I was giving up on me. I am not there, but it was still tempting. We tried to go for Lebanese food, but the restaurant was closing; the pub was our fallback choice, and despite it being deep-fried, it was better than the wings. We went for breakfast this morning, and I had a plate of French Toast with berries. I know it was a cheat meal, but again… there were much worse choices that I could have made.

    I am trying to stay focused and to stay on track. It is not easy, but I will continue to pray and to meditate, and to focus on what I need to do so that I can eventually get back to where I need to be. Hopefully what I am doing will be enough.

  • Day 673

    Wow, did I fall off the wagon yesterday. I fell hard, and I paid for it this morning. Not only was my weight up a whopping five pounds from yesterday morning, but it also shot over that 250 lbs. mark that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it is a bump in the road, and I will be back on track tomorrow; that does not make me feel a whole lot better now. The important thing to remember is that I can either redouble my efforts to do better today (and over the next few days) so that I can get back on track (and below the terrible 250), or I can wallow in my guilt and sorrow and not only stay above it, but most likely keep gaining. My plan is to get back on track starting right now.

    There were two critical factors that caused my lapse yesterday. The first is the debilitating emotional pain that I have been living with these last few weeks. There was nothing that was going to happen yesterday that was going to make that better. The second was my religious dietary restrictions which, and the fact that my friends do not observe the same. I’ll explain:

    I went to my buddy’s house for the day yesterday. When I suggested we get together I did not realize it wad American Thanksgiving, let alone that he and his family prepared an authentic Thanksgiving dinner. When I found that out, I was excited because I love turkey, and I know that they would likely prepare it very well. Of course, I agreed to stay for dinner! In the hours leading up to dinner they were asking me all sorts of questions about what I could and could not eat. The turkey was the central problem because every side dish that contained dairy was out. That included the mashed potatoes, the broccoli casserole, and a couple of other dishes. It would never have occurred to me had Ryan’s mom not checked, but the turkey itself was prepared with butter.

    Any Jew who observes the rules of kashrut will agree that it is much easier to be a vegetarian when eating with others. The moment I realized that I could not eat the turkey I realized I was now free to eat all of the other dishes. When presented with the smorgasbord of broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and stuffing (which was not prepared inside the turkey – I checked) I piled my plate high. Had I done that with turkey then I would have been just as full, but it would have been protein, and it would not have been nearly as bad. By indulging (dare I say gorging myself) on the starches and carbs, I was absolutely setting myself up for a disaster.

    I had done my best, but I had not quite eaten my sadness away by the time I left. When I stopped to fill my gas tank, I also picked up a bag of chips. In the past few months when I have done this, I have at least done the smart thing and chose the single-portion bag. Yesterday I was hurting so bad that I bought the family-sized bag. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that was. Yes, I polished off the entire bag. Yes, I regret it. No, I will not do that again.

    I have a friend in Montreal who has been showing that she cares. Yesterday she reached out, and when I told her I was still doing badly she tried to put a positive spin on it. She reminded me how exciting it is that I got my new clothes. She is right about a couple of things: firstly, it is important to look for the good in life… even when almost everything is going terrible. Secondly, it is nice that I will be able to wear my new shirts and jacket next week for my class. I am just having so much trouble seeing anything positive, but yes, they are nice and yes, new clothes are always nice. I am trying my friend… I promise I am trying.

    My plan for today is to run a few errands, none of which are food related. I will try to find a winter jacket that I like, and once I do then I will also return the two that I bought over the weekend. I know I went shopping without a clear plan, settling on what I found at the first two stores that I went into… rather than doing my due-diligence and trying to find the right coat for me. In truth, I am going to go try them on, but that is more for the size than for the purchase. If the stores have very good sales, then I will gladly buy from them; I have already checked the Internet and see the Black Friday sale prices, and if I do not find something comparable then I will buy online. Frankly I hope that will not be the case, as I would much rather purchase from a store… but I have to get the best bang for my buck.

    With regard to food: I ate my omelette this morning… along with a piece of bread that was leftover from yesterday’s ridiculous indulgence. For the rest of the day, I am going to stick with proteins only – I will prepare my chicken; there will be no potatoes or rice, only protein. I have had my fill of carbs for the day.

    Aside from that, I will be studying. It would be nice to sit outside with my laptop and a cigar for a couple of hours, but that will largely depend on what the weather does. Yes, I have my heater ready, but this morning was the first day of the season that I saw snow flurries. I suppose the deciding factor will be the winds. My exam is tomorrow though, so whether it will be indoors or out… I will be studying. Wish me luck!

  • Day 668

    I fell off badly yesterday. I went grocery shopping (I had no food in the house) and thought ‘what’s the harm in buying a box of breakfast cereal? Oh, I also bought a bag of mini crisps. Here’s the harm: I ate all of the crisps and most of the breakfast cereal last night and finished it off this morning. The result (nothing to do with the bowl of cereal that polished off the box this morning) was a two-pound jump in my weight. I deserve it. Today I will do better. I will also remember that when I am no accountable to anyone but myself it is best to not buy large portions of cheat foods… coupled with my current emotional state I will just not have the willpower to make the right decisions. This means that I have to make those right decisions when I am in the store. If I do not have the temptations in the house, then I will not succumb to them.

    The plan for today is to take Her Floofness to the spa. She will be there for a few hours, and so I will probably check to see if the cigar lounge near Chez PetSmart has a smoking area. If it does not, then I will probably just find a park bench and wait there with a cigar and my phone or a book. We’ll see. All I know is that I have to try to be good today. No excessive food. No cheating.

    I woke up this morning to find a message from a friend who reads my blog daily. She was worried that I had not published yesterday, and what’s worse, the last entry was from Day 666. Yes, even in my current emotional state I noticed the 666, and yes, I know that it is the number of the beast (although I swear I never understood what that was about), but no… there was no connection. As a fairly religious Jew I would never use a reference from the New Testament with regard to my dismay. In fact, I had written yesterday’s article, but I somehow got distracted and never published it. I fixed that this morning. With that said, I truly appreciate the love and support from my friends… many of whom I do not see or speak to nearly as often as I would like.

    Anyhow, it is time to get moving. Take care folks.

  • Day 666

    It continues to creep up. Yes, it is only a couple of ounces at a time, but my weight this morning was still slightly up from yesterday morning. It is frustrating, but at the same time I know that I have a hundred things going on that are much more pressing that that, and that as long as I am staying the course with my eating then I will eventually (tomorrow or Sunday) be able to resume exercising, and I will get back on track.

    It was not because of this that I skipped the rice that I have been eating with my lunch today. I was just not in the mood for it. I might have some potatoes with dinner, but we will see.

    I received a notification this morning that my new clothes will be delivered Monday. They are already in North America. At least I will be able to wear them for myself and for my students. That was not my original plan, but it is very minor consolation.

    My mood is still not great, but I am trying to keep it together. I hope that when I light my Sabbath candles this evening that the peace and happiness that I always pray for others will come into my heart this time.

  • Day 664

    My weight is up this morning, but only by .2 lb. which is up… but within the margin of error of any given day. Considering my stress and anxiety levels, I am not pleased… but I am also not giving up. I did not eat more, but I also did not cut out my starch with the evening meal. No wonder.

    My food plans for today are to change it up slightly. Rather than having chicken for lunch and dinner, I will have meatless burgers and air-fried potatoes for dinner.

    I have three more days of the 14-hour teaching schedule, and then I have ten days off. I am looking forward to being able to being able to get some exercise back into my schedule. That should help to reverse the trend of these last three days.

    One of my students last week broke down emotionally after failing her mid-course exam, and I spent a lot of extra time tutoring her. This morning she told me that she passed it and was feeling better about understanding more of what I am teaching. There are some very rewarding moments in my job!

  • Day 663

    I did absolutely nothing to warrant a 4.6 lbs. jump over the last two days. I had potatoes and rice with my lunch and dinner, but that is all I did differently. How can that possibly account for such a sharp increase? I protest. The only upside is that somehow my body fat percentage is down 1.5% and my muscle mass is up 1.6% in that time, but as I have been sitting on my duff from early morning until late night, I see no real way that could be accurate. Not fair. Way to kick me when I’m down, body.

    While I will still have rice with lunch, there will be no carbs or starches with my dinner this evening.

    Not happy.