I am hating myself more than ever this morning. It gives me a bit of comfort that I am now committed to restarting my extreme program a week from tomorrow – the day after my birthday. Today another friend and I are cohosting a birthday barbecue for ourselves (as we did last year). Thinking back to last year’s barbecue, when she was there… I don’t know how I will get through today.
Category: Friends
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Day 1253
A close friend came over for a cigar yesterday afternoon after I told him how horrible I was feeling. We are going to see each other today, but that will be in a group of people. He knew that I needed to talk privately. He asked me, after I gave him an update of what is going on, if I journal. I told him that I did, but that for numerous reasons (many of which he understood) I am not writing about the specifics of what I am going through. Maybe one day I will. Maybe by then I will not be so torn apart by things.
Life still sucks. What else can I say? Thank G-d for friends though.
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Day 1242
As planned, I spent the afternoon with one friend, then the evening with a group of buddies and brothers from my Lodge (and some of their families). It was a cross between a nice distraction and a horrible reminder of what I am going through. I need to get past the worst of my issues before I can move forward. My weight is the least of my concerns. The complete absence of joy and happiness from my life is what I need to address.
While my sleep score was down below 70 again last night (to a 69) I was nonetheless able to get 7.5 hours of sleep, which is important because while I might need more, I had been getting much less. I likely would have snuck another thirty minutes in had Princess Sophie not insisted on going out again last night when I came home… but she was good enough to make it clear that she wanted to go out, and I try to be a good enough doggie daddy to listen.
Speaking of being a daddy, there is another reason I am in the dumps. I have not heard from my children today… some Father’s Day.
Have a great day folks… I likely won’t.
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Day 1217
Life is no better, but I have some studying to do today and tomorrow so that hopefully I can pass an exam on Friday. We’ll see.
Last night was possibly the first decent night sleep I got in… well, since I don’t know when. My sleep score (according to my fitness watch) was 77 – not great, but certainly decent. The app reads: ‘Shorter than ideal, plenty of deep.’ While I did not sleep a full seven hours, I was at least able to fall asleep and stay asleep for… well, most of the night anyways. It was the only night in the past week that my score exceeded 75… and the fifth time in a month. I have to get back to sleeping, but I cannot figure out how. My body battery still did not exceed a 43 which I cannot imagine is good.
Yesterday I was able to spend most of the day with friends. I then had a haircut which I sorely needed, going back to the barber I had been with until about a year ago when he left the barber shop I had been going to for a decade. It was good to be able to trust that he would not make me look bad… like the haircut I got in March from a strange barber a a shop around e corner.
My emotions are still in the toilet and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. It’s a miracle I am still above ground. No, I will not be hurting myself…
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Day 1216
As bad as I am doing, it was somewhat of a relief to spend much of the day today with two very close friends. Thank you David, and thank you Mitchell.
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Day 1207
This morning for the first time I began to tell a friend the depths and extent of my despair. He is worried about me; so am I. I thank G-d that I have friends I can turn to because without them I would be all alone and I honestly do not know what I might do. My religion forbids certain unspeakable acts but sometimes I wonder…
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Day 1200
Doing no better today, but this afternoon I have to put a smile on to go see some friends. I have a good excuse to beg out early – I have to start teaching at 1am which means I need to get some sleep.
Life sucks.
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Day 1197
Today is Yom Ha’Aztzmaut, the Israeli Day of Independence. I have a lot to do, mostly in preparation for the most useless exam I have to take tomorrow. It is a certification exam for the class that I am teaching next week, and it earns you a certification that I earned nearly six years ago and have maintained ever since. The customer wants that exact exam on my transcript, so here I sit going over some of the minutia that might come up on the exam. It could be worse.
My original plan was to skip my Lodge’s Meeting of General Purpose this evening so that I could attend the Yom Ha’Atzmaut celebrations in Hamilton. Unfortunately, I can no longer do that, as one of the members of the Lodge passed away this week. To make it slightly more complicated, he is the brother with whom I had a very contentious relationship, and while I disagreed with him and a lot of what he said and did, I want to be there to express my sadness of his passing. At this evening’s meeting we will be discussing the details of his Masonic Funeral which are extremely important, and I will not miss the meeting.
I am trying to cope… I do not know if it is working, but I am trying everything that I can. This morning (after Her Floofness and I came back from our walk) I went to the fridge to start preparing my breakfast, and I remembered that I used the last of the eggs yesterday. Despite my stress, anxiety, despair, and depression I am going to try once again to get back onto a program of some sort. I am going to have one midday meal, but other than that I am going to have only the meal replacement shakes. I hope that I can stick to it this time. How easy should it be to stay true? In a vacuum it would be simple. In my current reality? Not so simple. Putting one foot in front of the other isn’t simple… staying alive is not so simple. I have to try,
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Day 1187
For the first time in years my rage erupted yesterday. I have been doing everything I can to keep myself in check, and while I have not always made the right decision, I have nevertheless been able to remain composed. Yesterday afternoon, shortly after I pressed publish on my very short journal entry, I got frustrated with a mouse and smashed it to the floor. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, but the demon came out of me for a minute. My friend, who was sitting at my kitchen table and watching it happen, was probably more than a little shocked. He asked if I wanted to talk but I said that I did not. Shortly afterwards I walked out to go to dinner with other friends.
I was not going to go for dinner last night because I was feeling so distraught. I went partly because the alternative was staying home and having to talk about it with my buddy, partly because I knew that the friend with whom I was having dinner is a mental health advocate and if I did want to talk he would be a good listener, but mostly because I knew his wife was preparing dinner based on my dietary requirements and I did not want to cancel at the last minute. During the drive down there, I was able to try to get my emotions in check, and while I am still feeling like total garbage, I am at least back to being somewhat functional.
It is funny that my head and heart are so completely asunder, and yet my friend and his wife are turning to me to help them. I feel like I am a complete fraud. There is an old saying that therapists need more help than anyone. Maybe right now I am qualified. Who knows? I am probably an idiot for trying.
It is hard for me to admit but I am in a disastrous place in my life, and I do not know how I will be able to go on. I am told I need to lose weight, which I want to do, but I also feel like I am losing everything and there is nothing good in my life and that drives me to eat. I do now know how or if I will get out of it, but I am not hopeful. At this point I wonder if…
Hopefully I’ll be a little less miserable tomorrow. I can’t imagine why that would be, but here’s hoping.
