Losing a part of me

My wife mentioned to me last night (and it was not a throw-away) that she has never seen me properly drunk before. It is not often that I get drunk – even when I am not on new meds, and even when I am not on a diet. I am not saying it is unheard of, only that it is a rare occurrence. I think that on my next trip to Dallas I will have to bite the bullet and imbibe. That should be fun!

Our wonderful date night last night culminated a pretty good day. For the early part of it I relaxed, and then I headed to the gym for my penultimate session with my personal trainer. I love Kezi and think that she has been extremely helpful over the years – especially in the beginning when we started working together – in showing me breathing techniques, different forms, and things like that. For this most recent package of sessions which I purchased with my membership I do not think she has been as helpful, but that is not her fault. It is a combination of things. She is a very advanced trainer who likes to use techniques that someone like me might benefit from but will likely have trouble sticking to without adult supervision. I think I will have a better time of it (not only for enjoyment, but for sticking with it) if I follow a regimen of machines, rather than trying to do a lot of things that she has me do with free weights. After we had our conversation a couple of weeks ago, she got better… but at the same time, I wonder if I needed her to show me how to do a leg press or a shoulder pull-down again. It is not on her… it is entirely on me. What these sessions have done is ensured that I have gotten back into the gym on a semi-regular basis. After tomorrow’s session, it will be entirely up to me to make sure I am not just wasting my money.

There must be some freaky science between the algorithms on Facebook Reels. Over the last few days, the feed has stopped being entirely about anarchists trying to intimidate police and public officials and has shown me several (at least ten) reels about ‘Here’s what it is like living with ADHD.’ I do not remember typing those letters into Facebook, so either it is a massive coincidence, or Meta is spying on my private phone conversations. I should note that they also own WhatsApp, which is the primary method I use to communicate with Leslie. It is not out of the realm of possibility that they are listening in (to both chats and video calls) and tailoring what I receive to that. In the past I have blown off these intrusions because they are usually trying to sell me something. The reels I have watched of other peoples’ experience with the condition/disorder/disease that I am just trying to come to terms with are helping me to understand some of the issues that I have – some of which I have had for most of my life, some of which I have fought and overcome. I might spend an hour this morning actively seeking out more of these reels and taking notes, because the condition is such an omnibus condition. To quote one reel that I actually saved (from Austin Cunningham):

ADHD is f-cking depressing. It is a mix of everything. You will fit in everywhere but nowhere. You are extremely arrogant, but you are very much aware of your own faults. Capable of anything yet not motivated to do a thing. Witty and charismatic but have a low tolerance for bullshit. People. Great with advice but follow none of it. You are most likely a genius but have trouble handing your own emotions. You are an extrovert who needs a lot of personal space. You love being different, but you hate being misunderstood. You have brilliant ideas but lack the patience to follow through with them. You have more interests than anyone you know but will get bored with every one of them. Easily understand the thoughts of others but find it hard to translate your own. Surprisingly compassionate yet seemingly very cold. We make it look fun but it’s really not. If purgatory had a face, it would be ours… and we would smile from behind the cell wall as if nothing was wrong.

I made corrections and changes (from the spoken word, not the poorly copied text) only to account for differences between spoken word and written. Other than that, this is the exact text. It hit me like a brick because yeah… that is me to a T. As I said, I will spend some time this morning looking for more. It is nice to see that I am not alone with this.

The temperatures outside are extremely unseasonable. The widget on my computer is currently reading 9° (which is about 48° Fahrenheit for my American readers). That is a nearly thirty-degree temperature swing (or about fifty-five-degree swing for the Americans) from just four or five days ago. Not only will I be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar (or two) today, but I will also need neither my winter jacket nor my heater. I only have one obligation on my calendar for today, which is my check-in call with my weight-loss buddy. She canceled last week because she was hosting for the holidays, but I assume that we will be back on for today. Other than that, I am hoping that my wife will join me for a cigar (or two) as I sit and bask in the beautiful weather.

My back is aching a bit today. It is as if I went to the gym and worked out muscles that I am not used to working. Yes, that is exactly what happened. I am not unhappy with the achiness… I know that it is part of my penance for letting myself get so out of shape.

The leftover turkey is finished, which is a relief. I am happy to say that while I am still 2.5 lbs. from my best-weight-yet territory, I am 2.5 lbs down from where I was yesterday. I had considered preparing a chicken dinner for myself after the gym but decided not to when Leslie invited me out for a cigar date. It was the right decision for a couple of reasons. The first of which is that I should never neglect my wife, and spending time with her is more important than almost everything else. The second reason is that I have been trying to get back on track with my eating, and while Saturday’s gourmet New Year’s Eve dinner at Lyle and Dorothy’s will be an exception, getting back on track yesterday was better than trying to get back on track today. As it is, I did have some peanuts in the car, and that was enough sustenance that when I decided to go to sleep around midnight, I had a lot of things on my mind… but hunger was not one of them. For today, I plan to make my regular chicken and salad for lunch, and then maybe later in the day I will have a meal replacement… or two, if I need it.

Speaking of meal replacements, I ordered a box of them from Amazon yesterday. I usually run like the wind away from anything with the words ‘Cookie Dough’ in the title, but I decided to give them a chance. They are 190 calories each, with 21g of protein, 12g of fibre, and only 1g of sugar. If I like them, I can stick with them. If I do not, then I will suffer through them (there are 12 in the box), and then I will try something else for my next order. As it stands, I think I am due to receive another couple of boxes of the last ones that I ordered in a couple of weeks… their nutritional values were not as good, but they were extremely satisfying, so I decided to not cancel my subscription order just yet. We will see how good these cookie dough ones are…

I have been spending a lot of time this last week trying to gauge my focus on my journal writing as a bellwether to see how well I am focusing (in contrast with before I started on my meds). Today’s article was not done in thirty minutes without interruption… but the interruptions were more that, and less distractions. On the one hand, I do think I want to discuss raising the dosage when I see my doctor next week. On the other hand, I still think I am doing better than I was pre-meds. Speaking of which, there are a couple of potential side effects that I am hoping to see… but they are not things that I will discuss – not even in my private journal.

Have a great day folks!