Losing a part of me

Category: Mindfulness

  • Day 516

    Another day, another expected weight gain, another noticeable drop. Yesterday I had toast with nut butter and farm-fresh Niagara jam for breakfast, then the leftover baked potato dish that Leslie had prepared the previous evening. I had some mini crisps as a snack to tide me over, but I did not have too many. For dinner I prepared a meal of portobello mushrooms in a lovely marinade that Leslie found on the Internet, with a side of rice. The recipe calls for grilling the mushrooms, but I fried them because I cannot easily grill with the facilities available to me. For dessert we were opulent, and that is from where I expected the weight gain. We opened the pint of ice cream that we had purchased and shared some. Neither of us went overboard, but that did not prevent my thinking that I likely would be gaining weight. In fact the bathroom scale showed a one pound drop from the day before, which was a nice surprise.

    Yesterday did not go as planned. I spent a lot more time dealing with some of the issues I wanted to resolve, and when it was all said and done, I decided to spend more time relaxing rather than jogging. I am going to try to get out there today. I know I will not be breaking any records, but if I can at least make an effort to lace up my shoes and take the first steps then I can start getting back into it… rather than just saying I need to get back into it.

    I made a number of realizations recently. There are several embarrassing effects of morbid obesity that I kept hidden away as much as I could. At my largest I would have issues with streaks staining my underwear… and if I was not careful then occasionally a bed or chair. It has been over a year since I have had these issues, and I am relieved. If there were no other reason to not gain the weight back, then it would be the shame of a grown man soiling his pants. I do not know if I have ever written about that problem – it was just too embarrassing. Now that it is behind me, I can admit that it was something that happened to me… but it is a thing of the past.

    The second realization that I came to is that minor weight variations have a stark effect on the way clothes fit… or do not. When I was much larger most of my clothes were XXXL. Now that I am smaller, I am mostly wearing clothes that are measured. When I gain a couple of pounds, I can feel that they are tighter, and when I lose a couple of pounds, I feel that they hang looser. I put a shirt on yesterday afternoon that was tighter than I remember it being a couple of months ago when I purchased it, and I decided to change out of it. When I lose another five pounds or so it should fit much better.

    Lastly, I realized that I was able to snack in moderation. I ate ten of the mini crisps and then closed the bag. I did not count them out or put them on a plate, I just ate them from the bag… and then closed the bag. For dessert I had a reasonable amount of ice cream, and then I put it away. It was not that long ago when I would never have a half-eaten bag of mini crisps, or a pint of ice cream that was less than half-eaten in the house. I ate some, was satisfied, and was able to put them away. That is mindfulness, and that is progress!

    I am going to do some studying today and try to get a bit closer to my next certification. For lunch I am preparing salmon sandwiches, but we have not discussed what to do for dinner. I will look through the freezer and pantry to see if there is anything tantalizing, but I suspect I will need to pay a visit to the supermarket. I know I have chicken in the freezer, but as often as I can eat chicken, I know Leslie prefers mixing it up. Maybe I’ll buy a nice piece of fish. We’ll see. I am teaching this evening so it will have to be an early dinner… or a late one. We will decide when the time is right.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 489

    I am not sure what is going on these last couple of days, but my eyes popped open again this morning before 6:00am. If I was going to jog that would have been helpful. As I am holding off on that until the weekend (or at least until Friday, when I do not have a thirteen-hour day) that becomes decidedly inconvenient. At least yesterday when I woke up I was able to take advantage of my early rise by going to get my bloodwork done. This morning I did some banking, answered some emails, but that’s it. I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I said my prayers before sitting down to my computer with a meal replacement and a cup of coffee… and I do not have to start teaching for another ninety minutes or so.

    The streak ended today. After nine straight days of watching my weight drop every morning, today it is the same as it was yesterday. That is not really a big deal, especially knowing that this morning was the first since I restarted the full-fast program that I did not have a bowel movement. Had my weight gone up I might not be so calm (although I would try to put on a brave face). Staying the same was not nearly so bad as a gain would have been.

    It is interesting to compare what my mind views as cheating when I am on the full program as compared to when I am not. For example: I know for a fact that there were a couple of days last week (before I started again) when I decided it would not be the end of the world if I bought a bag of mini crisps… or Goldfish crackers. At the end of any day I would likely not have been able to give you a proper accounting of everything that I ate. In contrast, yesterday I had four meal replacements (900 calories total), three cups of coffee (with oat milk, as much as 20 calories total), two cups of Royal Milk Tea (one caffeinated, one decaf – my best research puts this at 120 calories total), and three Bentasil lozenges (eucalyptus flavour – 8 calories). That comes to about 1,050 calories. Add to that about 100g of carbohydrates (75g of which are in the meal replacements) and it comes to a very successful day. Nonetheless, I thought long and hard about that second cup of tea, knowing that it would be a cheat. What only a week ago would have been an irrelevance now gives me pause. I am not sure if that is a good thing (that I am mindful and aware of everything that I am ingesting) or a bad thing (that I am so obsessive about it). A third possibility is possibly more balanced… that I should be more aware (and mindful!) when I am not on the program, but that I can be a little more forgiving of myself when I am being almost completely strict. And here we have yet one more thing I will need to think about this week.

    My goal for today is to stick to the program. I am not going to be stingy with the lozenges – I am doing a lot of talking this week, and my throat is my most important tool – but if I do feel the need for another drink in the evening, I might brew a proper cup of tea, rather than mix a second milk tea. I am not doing this because I am appalled by the sixty calories in each cup, but it is something that I can control better… I can control how much oat milk I use, as well as the sugar. That reminds me that I have to remember to buy coffee the next time I go shopping. I really wish I could remember where I bought it last time, because it was really very nice! Oh well… I will have to do some research and find a good source for the beans that I like.

    Again, I will not be exercising today. I got through yesterday very well, and even sat on the balcony to enjoy a cigar at the end of the evening. With that said, even if I thought I had the time today, I know that I did not sleep nearly enough last night, and I have to be careful to not only make it through today, but the rest of the week as well. I am glad that while I cannot jog this week, I also have very little opportunity (or temptation) to cheat. I know I lose weight faster when I balance exercise and the program, but if I can only do the program these next few days then I will still lose a little bit more weight… or at least I will not gain any.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 425

    As she drove me to the airport yesterday morning, Leslie expressed her regret that we had gone out for a splurge dinner the previous evening, thus erasing all progress that I made on my weight loss journey while in Dallas. I told her the following:

    a) There was no reason to regret it; we had a wonderful evening (despite whatever effects the meal would take on our stomachs before the night’s end).

    b) It is my experience that the weight-gain effects of a single cheat meal that causes such an overnight weight gain will usually be very temporary, and it was possible or even likely that most or all of the gain would be lost again over the next day or two.

    c) Even with that cheat, I was still down a full pound from the day that I flew into Dallas.

    I had a very good bowel movement after I unpacked my suitcase, which was a relief for two reasons. I had worried since the previous evening that the unrest in my stomach would eventually lead to a more unpleasant experience on the porcelain throne. That was followed this morning by another one, which gave me hope that I was right, and that the weight gained Saturday night into Sunday would start to drop off this morning… despite the fact that I had a can of Pringles and a bag of almonds on the airplane. No, it was not the large can… it was the individual size, which is a huge improvement over what I likely would have done just a few short months ago. When I got back to the apartment, I thought briefly about resuming my full-fast program this morning, but then thought better of it; the only calories I consumed last night were two meal replacement shakes, which was exactly the right thing to do… especially if I was hoping to resume losing weight as of this morning.

    I had a bit of a technical issue with my bathroom scale and the app this morning. Before getting dressed I weighed myself (as is my habit). I was thrilled to see that not only was my weight down, but it was significantly down. I mean, it was slightly lower than my previous best from Saturday morning! Woohoo! I got dressed, I took Her Floofness for a walk (the first one we took since I got home). After feeding her, I made coffee and prepared my shake. Sitting down at my computer, I realized I had not worked on this system since before Patch Tuesday, and so it was going to reboot for me. I decided to fiddle around with the app on my phone; after nearly three years of using it, I noticed a couple of features on it this weekend that I wanted to try. The unfortunate result was that I accidentally wiped out this morning’s weigh-in. Damn. Well, I had only had one sip of my coffee, so it was not too late to weigh myself again. I got undressed and did just that, nervously hoping that I had not imagined it, or that I had somehow gained two pounds in thirty minutes.

    265.0 lbs.

    Wow. Not only had I not imagined it, but somehow along the way, in fewer than 1000 steps with Princess Sophie, my weight had dropped another .4 lb., putting me at the threshold, and achieving a new milestone. I have now lost one hundred and thirty pounds. My Body Mass Index (BMI) dropped to an even 34.0. According to the scale and app (which granted might not be the most accurate to measure these), my body fat percentage is now 30.3% (down from a high of over 40%) and my Basal Metabolic Rate is 2,076 (down from a high of nearly 3,000). As a much shorter-term win, that puts me 3.8 lbs. lower than I was the morning I flew to Dallas, besting my previously stated (albeit pessimistic) goal of gaining 2 lbs. by nearly six pounds! I am thrilled, and I know Leslie will be too.

    While the forecast high today gets up to 5°, it is also predicted to be quite windy. As such, I think it will be a perfect opportunity for me to go to the gym. An hour on the treadmill followed by fifteen minutes in the sauna sounds like a good way to spend a couple of hours. I am teaching this evening so I might spend a few minutes reviewing my material. Tomorrow I am hoping to drive into Toronto to pick up meal replacements… I got a notification that the clinic where I buy them is closed for the next month, but the nurse told me that she would meet me before she actually goes on vacation to make sure I have the proper supplies. Otherwise, I would not need to go into town for another week and a half. Oh well, whether I go tomorrow or next week is not really a big difference. I just hope that I can get either the gym or an outdoor jog in tomorrow – my cleaning lady (who has not been since mid-February) is coming in the afternoon, so I have to plan things properly.

    I am happy that I am getting back into that mindset of trying to make sure I can get my run or walk or whatever exercise into my schedule on a mostly regular basis. Previously it was one of those things that I would do, but it was not something I necessarily planned and was eager for. Now, especially since I am back into the mode of competing with myself, I feel the excitement of getting back at it as often as I can. When I head to the gym today, I will be doing my inaugural workout with my new fitness watch, a present from my lovely and doting wife. It arrived Friday afternoon after I was back from my workout, and I did not get out over the weekend. I am looking forward to seeing how it fares. My initial disappointment in realizing that it is not a touch screen has been turned around, remembering the issues I so often had with the touch screen on my previous fitness watch, especially in wet weather or when my hands were sweaty. It will take some getting used to with the buttons, but as I mentioned to Leslie yesterday (or Saturday?) I was still not entirely used to the functions on the previous watch. I will pay closer attention on this one, and hopefully I will not be saying the same thing in 3.5 years.

    Princess Sophie decided to go to the neighbour’s today to spend the day playing with her pal Charlie, so it is relatively quiet here for now. I suppose it is as good a time as any to get ready and go to the gym. I have a few emails I need to respond to first, but hopefully by 11:00am I can head out.

    My plan for the day is to stay mindful and to stay on track. Today is my first day back on the full-fast program, and as Leslie reminded me yesterday, there is the possibility that might put me into a bit of a mood. If I am, I will do my best to make sure that I do not show it or take it out on anyone. I do not know if the endorphins from working out might counterbalance that, but I will try to pay attention and see if I notice a difference. Leslie told me yesterday that she did not notice a huge difference the last time I came back to Canada and resumed the full fast, but that I had told her I felt it. Wouldn’t it be great if I do not feel it at all this time? If I can get through the day on meal replacements (and coffee) only, and not feel any negative effects… that would be great! Of course, I am teaching this evening, so if I need the extra caffeine to get through that, I will not hesitate. I do not want anyone to feel the negative effects of my mood, but if it affects my work then that is especially bad.

    Today is the 14-month anniversary of my weight loss journey, so how perfect that I can celebrate it by hitting a new best-weight-yet, a couple of new milestone (at the 265 threshold, plus the 130-pounds-lost mark), and a new fitness watch to inaugurate with a great workout… possibly even a new record for distance? Time? Pace? Who knows? As always, I will follow the advice of my doctor… I will listen to my body and let pain guide me. If I feel the need to stop, I will. Otherwise, who knows how far I might jog? Smile

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 393

    There should be a law for days like today.

    By this law, we hereby state that:

    · When you spend a day surrounded by temptations, when you are at a friend’s house where there are tens of thousands of delicious calories all around you within easy reach, but you hold true to your program;

    · When you stop for petrol on the way home, and the pay-at-the-pump is broken, so you have to go into the station which is replete with delicious decadence, but you resist and walk straight out;

    · When you come home and change into your jacket and tie, and knowing how tired you are and how the extra calories of whatever food you have in the pantry would give you the energy to get through;

    · When you are faced with student issues that make you question your life choices, but rather than pouring a glass of fine whisky, you settle in for the night with your fourth and final meal replacement of the day;

    On days such as this, we decree that when you step onto the bathroom scale the following morning, your body is ordered that you will have lost weight from the previous day.

    This law should be written on parchment in beautiful calligraphy and distributed throughout the land. Until such time, despite my best efforts of the day yesterday, my body was legally permitted to show a very slight weight gain from yesterday. Rather than bringing me back into best-weight-yet territory, it pulled me away ever so slightly. Fuck you body.

    I should mention that during the day, I did indulge in the following luxuries:

    • Ryan invited me to enjoy a non-fat latté from Starbucks. According to MyFitnessPal.com, somehow this is a 250-calorie drink with 23g of sugars… how the hell would I have known that the sugar content in this was so high? I will have to be much more conscious of my coffee orders and remember that fat is not the enemy… carbs and sugars are.
    • A cup of Royal Milk Tea whose caffeine helped me to get through the evening class. 58 calories and 12g of sugar. Damn… but when I need to stay awake for my class it will be a necessary choice.
    • Three lozenges because I realized that my throat was not cooperating, and I needed to get through my lectures. 8 calories, 0g sugar. I can keep these with no guilt.

    Do you see what I mean by the need for constant vigilance and mindfulness? Who would have thought that a non-fat latté could have 23g of sugars? I knew about the Royal Milk Tea, but I never realized how bad the coffee was. I might love my latté but going forward this will also be a very occasional indulgence (like for when Leslie and I sit on the balcony with a Davidoff Signature No. 1 Limited Edition 2023 cigar which we discovered pairs oh so well with it). Even with coffee, which alone has no calories, I will have to be vigilant and mindful.

    My plans for today are to stay on track. I might go to the gym later in the day, but that will depend on my mood and my progress studying. I want to spend a lot of the day studying and trying to catch up on a couple of certifications that I am working toward. I also know that I have my study group this Sunday, and I let that preparation go these last few weeks. Today I will get back on track. I would like to get to the gym because it is really not pleasant enough to go for a jog outside. The forecast high for today is a cloudy 3°, and it goes down to -5° overnight, only reaching a high of -3° with a chance of snow tomorrow. Fortunately, I see that Saturday and Sunday will be nice, but if I am going to get any movement in today (aside from walking with Her Floofness) then it will be at Goodlife.

    My comparison chart to 2020, which had me ahead by 1.8 lbs. yesterday, has me up by 1 lb. today. That is obviously not because of the .2 lb. that I gained this morning, rather because of the 2.6 lb. drop day-over-day from my previous attempt. Looking forward to the next few days on that chart (and then reading my journal from that time) I can catch up pretty quick… I spent four nights in Las Vegas, and while I miraculously came back home only one pound heavier (actually .8 lb.), I am still looking at the chart and knowing that over the next five days I will make progress… as long as I stay on track. In 2020, I would fluctuate around the 280-pound mark until Day 360, and while I would gain and lose ground on it, I did not drop below the 270-pound mark until Day 399. I was going to say that I did not permanently drop below 270 because I realize that from the day that I dropped below 270 lbs. (on my push to my best weight ever) until I creeped above it for the last time (on the slide to completely fall off the weight loss train) was sixteen days. That’s right, it took me nine days to drop from 270 to 260.4 pounds, and then seven days to jump to 272.2 pounds. From there, it took me seventy-one days to get back up to over 300-pounds, and while I did not stay above that permanently until February, my weight loss success was over; on September 28 I began that terrible fall back into obesity and slovenliness. To compare that to this attempt, it would be fifty-six days from today.

    I am not going to let that happen. Firstly, I am not going to let myself plateau and fluctuate like I did in 2020. I just spent thirty minutes re-reading three weeks of that journal, which included my trip to Vegas, starting a new job that I was excited about… and then losing it less than two weeks later, going for long walks and even jogging, and a lot of other weight loss challenges that I encountered during that time. I discussed all of the foods I was eating, and how the fact that I only had a single large quarter chicken piece (rather than the full half-chicken) was a success. It seems that it was during this time period that I originally switched from eating my meal in the evening to midday was better for digestion, especially if I ate it after coming in from my walk or jog. I can hear the pain in my words over the loss of my job, knowing that it would not only affect me financially, but it would also put my residency in the United States at peril (which would be proven within the year). I read the words that I wrote, and I started to relive the events in my head, and I felt the sadness and sorrow begin to return. I have to remember these failures, and how difficult they were, and not let myself get down and eventually fail again. In 2020 I had friends, but at the end of the day I was alone – it was just me and Princess Sophie… and she loved when I ate chicken because she always got the cartilage. This time around, I have her, but I also have Leslie. Three weeks from today I will be landing in Dallas, and we have discussed some of my cheat meals that will be included on my modified program… and how I am going to stay mostly on track. She has been so encouraging and helpful, even from 1,400 miles away. She just might be the factor that helps me tip the scales from eventual failure to long-term success.

    One thing that I remembered from rereading those weeks from that old journal was that I was on a quest to beat my previous (2017) weight loss record. On Day 368 I hit that mark, which I would do eighteen days from now on the comparative chart. I wrote a number of times in the weeks leading up to that milestone that it was the last comparative milestone from the previous attempt and going forward there would be no looking back. I suppose that is how I feel now, knowing that I am 21.6 lbs. from matching my best-weight-ever. In 2020, I achieved that record, and it was all downhill from there. The day that I reach that next major milestone (260.4 lbs) I can celebrate for a minute… and then delete the comparative spreadsheet and never look back. I might read what I was thinking and feeling as I tried desperately yet unsuccessfully to cling to that weight loss, but I cannot imagine there will be much in there to encourage me. I think that once I best that previous number (which would also make for my best weight in twenty-four years) I should put all of my previous journals into a folder marked ‘Do not read: Studies in short-term successes and long-term failures.’

    In any event, I am going to now go back on my word from 2020. I am 9.6 lbs. from my best weight from 2017, and I am going to make that a milestone, and have added a column to my spreadsheet to track that. It would require slightly better than a half-pound loss per day to beat my pace from 2020, but that is not completely impossible. Let’s see how we do.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 373

    I have to remember that the numbers on the scale might not just drop because I want them to… even after a day of being really good… mostly.

    I had my breakfast shake and coffee in the morning and then for lunch I picked up salads from Salad and Go (I had the Thai Salad with tofu and the peanut dressing, total 230 calories, but 20g of carbohydrates including 9g of sugar). Both prior to and following my class I had a protein bar (I differentiate meal-replacement from protein insofar as the meal replacements are all on my program, whereas any other protein bar is store-bought). I had a Royal Milk Tea in the evening (which also has sugar in it), and I had two Pringles; that does not mean I had two cans of Pringles… I had two chips. With those very minor aberrations from the program, I was hoping to see the numbers drop today, but it was not meant to be. I know that the adjustment back from the full-fast program to the modified program will take a few days, but I will continue to eat reasonably well. I do not want to return to Canada after a lax week being 5-10 lbs. up. I will continue to be careful… but the minute I am back on the ground in Canada, the full regimented program resumes.

    My plans for today include a salad for lunch. Leslie and I are trying to decide what to have for dinner, but we have not made a decision. I am so appreciative about one thing though… I mentioned shawarma, and she gave me a look and told me how bad that is for me. I can justify it all I want that it is salad and chicken, but aside from the quantities (and I don’t think I have ever left any over), all of the above is doused in salad dressing, hummus, tahina, and garlic sauce; that is all before I even look at a piece of pita! I looked up the nutritional facts online (picking a Lebanese restaurant that I know in Montreal, as the menu options are similar). The chicken shawarma plate has 1,310 calories… with 69g of fat, 2,600mg of sodium, and 134g of carbohydrates. Thank you, but no. I am happy to indulge, but that is way too indulgent… especially since I gorged on sushi just two nights ago.

    Since I wrote that paragraph, I have spent the last hour online trying to find a decent restaurant for dinner that would have reasonable choices. It is amazing how many restaurants down here do not have their nutritional information available – I called two restaurants which both told me that they do not share. I do not know if that is a major red flag, or if it is just a gentle reminder that if I am serious about being good, then I have to be even more mindful when this information is not available.

    Leslie has been kvelling about the Peking Duck Spring Rolls from P.F. Chang’s, so I decided to look at their menu and see what I might be able to eat. No, I cannot even think about ordering any of my usual staples from Chinese restaurants, but by planning out my order in advance, I can have the hot and sour soup (which I will share with Leslie), one spring roll (we will order the plate which comes with two and we will share), and the Oolong Chilean Sea Bass. Total for the meal: 945 calories with 70g of carbohydrates. That is a reasonable plan… and although I will not make a habit of meals with that many calories and carbs, I am happy that Leslie and I can enjoy a night out without my falling completely off the wagon. I look at the 945 calories and balk for a minute… but then I remember that it was not uncommon for me to have meals with twice that, and many more carbs (and starches and everything else bad) before my journey. The fact that I am mindful and aware of it is a sign that I am really making the effort to change, and the 90 minutes that I spent online trying to find a reasonable meal was not a total waste!

    It is 12:30pm, and I am going to run out to pick up our salads. It is a beautiful day in Dallas, and I know my gorgeous bride and I will take full advantage.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 364

    On days when I am going to the doctor’s office for my regular ‘official’ weigh-in, I do not wake up earlier or later than I would on any other day. If the appointment is for 9:00am I might set an alarm, but even then, I know that I rarely sleep in late enough to need it. This morning’s appointment is at 9:40am, and it was only because I have not been sleeping as well as I need to that I set an alarm for 7:00am. I wake up and follow my morning bathroom routine before taking Princess Sophie for her walk. When we come in, as I would almost any other day, I sit down at my computer and start writing my daily journal entry… or if I started writing the article the previous evening, I will continue writing it.

    The only difference between any other day and the days when I go to the doctor is that on these days, I usually do not make my morning coffee, and I usually will not make my morning meal replacement until I am back from the doctor’s office. I know that I will be stepping onto the scale within an hour or so, and I do not want to add those extra ounces or grams to the result. And so, I will sit here at one of my desks, typing the beginning of my journal entry onto one of my computers, trying to ignore the hunger, and the malaise that comes with not having my regular first cup or two of coffee in the morning.

    It is not unusual for my appointment to be at 9:40am (as it is today), which means that I will be back at my desk shortly before 11:00am. I will get home and immediately press brew on the coffee pot (I might not drink it in the morning, but I prepare the pot to brew as soon as I am home) and I prepare my morning meal replacement… even though the morning is mostly over.

    Most of the time, I know what the doctor’s scale is going to say. I will not know exactly, but I will already have weighed myself at home, and although there are some factors that result in my home reading and the doctor’s office reading not being the same, I know that for every pound I dropped on my bathroom scale since the day of my previous visit, I will have dropped a pound on the doctor’s scale… once I have converted pounds into kilograms.

    Because of all that, I know that when I get onto the scale later this morning, I know my weight should read about four kilograms down from two weeks ago, the metric equivalent of a nine-pound drop. That, my fair reader, is nothing to sneeze at. Losing that kind of weight in two weeks is amazing. Knowing privately that I have actually lost 90% of that weight in one week is even more amazing. Of course, there is the small fact that I stopped eating solid foods, and probably dropped my caloric input by 500 calories… not to mention that I have not cheated at all. I am not going to hide that fact from the doctor or the nurse; in fact, I am going to ask them if they can support me even more with that program. I will also tell them about my plans for the foreseeable future… including my plan to take a week off of the extreme program when I am in Dallas. I am in the middle of writing an article for my professional blog right now based on the premise that there are four people in life that you should not lie to: Your doctor, your lawyer, your bartender, and your banker. I want my doctor’s support on my journey. Lying to him would do nobody any good.

    Last night I was quite tired during my class. I considered making a Royal Milk Tea, as I have during so many of my evening classes over these last few months. That would provide me with the caffeine boost I would need to stay awake. I then remembered that I know the calorie content of the RMT, but I do not know the other values – sugar, carbohydrates, and such. I decided to skip the tea, and I tried to remember to cover my mouth when I yawned. If I am going to practice mindfulness, I am going to have to consider the pros and cons of everything that I ingest. During the intensive phase of my program, I am already cheating by drinking coffee – with non-milk and sugar to boot! – and I also had a couple of lozenges to keep my throat going during class. I decided that I would rather be tired, and not add yet another cheat to the intensive program… especially not the night before my official weigh-in!

    (This morning, I decided to look it up. Each cup of Royal Milk Tea has 7g of carbohydrates, and 6g of sugars. I am glad I opted to not drink it.)

    I have an app on my phone that I should be using religiously when I start eating solid foods again… and that includes next week in Dallas, when I take my week-long break from the program. MyFitnessPal allows me to look up the nutritional value of just about any food you can think of, including many popular restaurants. If your product has a barcode, you can scan it and it will immediately tell you what is in it. It will also track your food throughout the day. It takes a day or two to get used to entering or scanning every food that you eat, but once you get started, it is pretty intuitive. For someone like myself, who often has the same (or similar) meal often, you can save meals and just copy it to the next day. Had I thought to use this app last night, I would have known immediately about the 6g of sugars in a serving of Royal Milk Tea. When I am not restricting my caloric intake to 950 very predictable calories per day (four meal replacements, three cups of coffee with a total of 1tsp of Sugar in the Raw and as much as 2oz of not-milk), I should be using this app religiously to scan, measure, and track everything that I eat. I will try to remember to do that… that will be a big help to my mindfulness!

    According to the bathroom scale, I am down another .4 lb. this morning, but on days when I am seeing the doctor, I am much more interested in what his scale will tell me. Especially since this is my first weigh-in since starting the strict program, I am excited… but I know that if I leave now (8:45am) then I might get weighed earlier… but I am still going to be sitting in his waiting room for however long it will take. Better I sit her for a few more minutes, writing my journal entry, and compiling my thoughts.

    I changed my mind ever so slightly about this morning’s routine. I am going to prepare my coffee right now and will take my first cup to go. I have a really good to-go cup that will keep it hot and fresh so that when I step off the scale (and the blood pressure monitor is complete) then I can start right away. It is not that I am excessively hungry right now; I do not have a lot of energy and feel like that first jolt of caffeine would really hit the spot.

    Okay, it is now about 9:15, and I can safely head out. I’ll see you back here in an hour and a half. Trust me, for you the time will really fly!

    —

    I told you I wouldn’t be long, right? It is 10:50am and I am back at my desk with my cup of coffee and my morning meal replacement. The nurse took one look at me as I walked in and told me she was certain I had lost more weight. I did not say anything to her other than ‘I hope so!’ When the scale stabilized at a 4.4kg drop, she was indeed surprised… and I was kvelling. The doctor and I discussed my current strategy and progress, as long as a brief discussion of the emotional maelstrom I have been going through of late. He was surprised that through it all I have lost weight, as most people would have turned to food and drink. He is glad that I am optimistic about the steps we are taking to fix things, and that I am seeing a therapist. We also discussed the improvements that both Leslie and I have noticed since I started on the medications, and he gave me a new prescription so that I can refill it as necessary.

    Before coming home, I dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy, and hoped that they would have oat milk. They did not, so I decided to make a quick run to the supermarket to get some. At the same time, I picked up coffee beans, and a bottle of windshield wiper fluid. It is not easy to get in and out of the supermarket without succumbing to temptation, but I managed to escape unscathed. I needed to search for the oat milk – it turns out that the things-other-than-cows-that-we-now-milk products are in the organic foods section at this supermarket, and not with the milk and cream as at the other one I was at last week. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was not fond of the almond milk, and that when I was finished with the container, I would either go back to cow-juice, or try a different varietal. Two friends told me that I should try oat milk next, as that was what they found the tastiest. The last of the almond milk is in my current cup of coffee (number 2), which means that the great oat milk experiment of 2023 will be starting within the hour. I will report tomorrow how I like it.

    I had an interesting conversation with the nurse and the receptionist at the office today. She asked me how much I have lost so far, and I told her proudly that it was now slightly over one hundred pounds, but that I also have a long way to go. She said that ‘the first hundred pounds is the hardest!’ I told her that I do not believe that at all. Yes, starting to lose weight is hard… and sticking with it is even harder. That said, if when I weighed 375 lbs. I had cheated, it was possible that I would still lose weight. If we look back on my journey, there were days when I had what I thought was a reasonable serving of peanuts, and I lost weight the next morning. When my weight loss was stalled a few months ago I looked it up, and it turned out that the helping of peanuts I ate was really four servings, and I was regularly eating 700+ calories worth of peanuts. In the first months I would still lose weight, because my body was still used to burning close to 3,000 calories per day. After writing that sentence, I decided to see what it really was; according to my smart scale app, my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) on January 23 last year was 2,884. That means that if I sat in a chair all day and did no exercise, my body would burn that many calories for the energy that I needed to get by. This week that number is 2,280. Absent any activity, the body burns more calories and therefore you lose more weight the fatter you are… which is why a larger person can eat more than a smaller person and still maintain their weight. On the other hand, the slimmer you are, the more active you are able to be. A year ago, there is no way that I could have gone to the gym and worked out the way I do now (although not yet as regularly as I should). Exercise not only burns calories, but it also boosts your metabolism so that your body will continue to burn more calories for hours after your workout is done.

    What is the verdict? If we round up the amount of weight, I needed to lose at the beginning of this journey to two hundred pounds, which hundred would be easier, the first or the second? The answer is neither. There is no such thing as an easier-to-lose hundred pounds. Losing that much weight is extremely difficult, and the factors involved in continuing to lose weight do not only fluctuate by hundred, they actually change drastically for every five or ten pounds lost. Will the next ten pounds that I lose be easier or harder than the last ten pounds that I lost? Until you realize that every pound to lose is a struggle and that every pound lost is a victory, you cannot begin to fathom the difficulties involved in the first pound right to the last one.

    I will add to this that people who go on a diet to lose ten pounds or twenty will look at someone like me in awe. In truth, I understand that their comparatively miniscule weight loss goals are dwarfed in comparison with the successes I have already achieved, as well as with my future goals. I suspect that for them, the 10-20 pounds might be as difficult to lose as my 180-200 pounds. Not only do we have to consider the percentage of body weight differences, but also the fact that I had to get into a mindset and commit myself to a multi-year journey. Most people do not realize that even on the most extreme programs, most diet professionals tell their patients to expect no more than a 1–2-pound drop per week. When I embarked on my journey, I knew that I would be working at it for at the most optimistic a year, and more realistically for 2-3 years. In fact, had my body trusted those professionals, that 200-pound drop would take nearly four years. Yes, the heavier you are, the quicker the weight will come off… but that tapers off. If someone who weighs 150lbs. wants to drop to 135lbs. they might think that it would take a week or two. In fact, it can be a 2–3-month journey. I mention all of this to say that huge weight loss and minor weight loss are absolutely different… but that does not mean that one is easier than the other.

    I could continue to go on with this topic, but it is approaching noon, and I have another article (for my professional blog) that I have been meaning to write. I am sure I will have plenty of thoughts to bloviate about tomorrow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 363

    Today is the ninth day in a row that my weight has dropped, and I am in a pretty good mood about that. I am also in a much more optimistic mood this morning with regard to several other issues that have been weighing on me these last few weeks. If you combine those two factors together, I have hopes that today might be a good day.

    I booked a haircut and beard trim over the weekend for this morning. I have been going back and forth over what to do with my beard, and this morning I made a decision. I am not going to say what that decision is because I do not want my most loyal reader (and wife) to know in advance. Sorry Lesi-chan, you are just going to have to wait until Barney is done with me to see!

    They say that for therapy to help to fix a problem, it will hurt. This is why every therapist office that I have seen (which includes a couple of military ones, a few civilian ones, and many more on television and in movies) has a box of tissues easily accessible to the patient (or patients). Yesterday’s drive to Scarborough was pretty uneventful until I received a message that led to a difficult conversation, and a lot of emotional pain. The next few hours were hard, and I am glad that when I got to my friend’s place in Cambridge (over an hour’s drive from Scarborough) there was something that we ended up talking about for most of the afternoon to distract me. More on that later. In the evening, my non-therapy session continued, and once we got past the hurt, and understood where all of the miscommunications were and how they led to so much pain, we were able to get past the hurt and begin to discuss how to make things better. That will be an ongoing conversation.

    Scarborough went exactly as I thought it would. I got there, collected the meal replacements, paid, and left… although we did have a conversation for a few minutes, mostly about her family. It was a happy coincidence that the number of boxes that I wanted was exactly the size of a case from the manufacturer, so that box was sitting waiting for me. She (Nurse Laura) insisted that despite it being factory sealed, we open it to make sure that the product matched the description, that the expiration date was as promised, and she even opened two smaller boxes to count the number of packages within. When she asked if I wanted her to open them all to confirm the count I politely declined. The box fit easily into my car trunk, and I was good to go. I was mistaken in just how big this would be, and it does all fit into my cupboards (with plenty of room to spare). It will not be in my face as I said yesterday. That does not change the fact that I will be on the product exclusively, at least for the next eight days. With a trip to Dallas coming up, I will likely spend the week that I am in Dallas back on my modified program and will resume the regimented program upon my return to Canada.

    I arrived at my buddy’s house around 12:30pm, and it was time for a meal replacement. I took my shaker bottle and one pouch into the garage (the smoking lounge) to prepare and enjoy it before lighting my cigar. My buddy noticed the name on it and said ‘Oh, I just got accepted into the medical weight loss program at the local hospital and will be starting on that product when we begin!’ While I refuse to give weight loss advice (every overweight person has already gotten far too much of that), I am also more than happy to share my experience and strategies – including my successes and failures – with friends… and with people on the Internet who ask me for it. We spent several hours talking about how the program works, what the emotional toll is, and so much more. I never realized that there was so much to say, but two cigars later I cut it short to head out. One of the most important factors to his success will be his family. I know them all and discussed briefly with both of his parents (who came into the garage at different points) what they will need to do to support him, and how important that will be for him when he starts. I also told him that during that first week of shakes only he should sleep on my couch, because he will want to kill someone or everyone all the time. Due to the backlog in the Ontario Bariatric Network – or maybe specifically at his local hospital – he did have his orientation call, but he will not be starting on the program for another year. I told him that I am happy to support him through his journey. He has one advantage over me – he is fifteen years younger than I am. Yes people, that does make a huge difference.

    I was listening to CBC radio yesterday morning (as I always do when I take Her Floofness on her morning walk). When the news is over, I will continue to listen to the talk radio station (unless the show Q is on, at which point I immediately switch to Spotify) until we come back home, at which point I usually take my earbuds out. The topic yesterday was obesity, specifically the drug Ozempic. While I will not go into detail about the conversation, I was so happy to hear the guest (a medical doctor) discussing it because she referred to obesity as a chronic disease. I have been dealing with obesity for most of my post-military life, and aside from all of the other programs I have tried (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and many more), I have been to a number of weight management clinics run by doctors since I started really trying in 2013. In all of that time, I have heard obesity referred to as a disease, but never as chronic. That is so important for us to realize, and it is why most of us, after losing weight and showing such success on whatever program we try, usually gain the weight back. While I have heard wonderful things about Ozempic, I did not realize that it was a drug that one would have to take for the rest of their life. I truly hope that I am able to lose the weight both non-surgically and without medication, but I am also really hoping that this time, once I achieve my long-term weight loss goals, I will be able to maintain it through constant awareness and vigilance. Yes, like any addict I know that I will never have the luxury of ‘just letting myself go for a few days.’ Yes, I will have cheat meals… but I will plan for them in advance, and I will keep them as infrequent as I can. As a diabetic must constantly monitor their blood sugar and insulin, eating and medicating accordingly, I, a sufferer of chronic obesity, will have to constantly monitor what I eat, and cut back and increase my exercise accordingly.

    Okay, it is time to head out to the barber. I’ll continue writing when I am back!

    —

    I am back, and my face looks cleaner than it has in a very long time. I do not remember when I started growing my beard out again; I do know that my goatee is smaller than it has been since I started wearing it in 2015. I will not post a picture online (nor this article describing it) until Leslie has seen it, which she will do when she is finished with her call. I am excited to see her reaction. In the last four days I have gone from the long rabbi-beard to trimming the full beard short, and now to the clean and subtle goatee. The before and after pictures will show a real contrast!

    It is almost 12:30pm, and I am enjoying my second meal replacement of the day. When I went into the freezer to grab an ice cube, I noticed a steak just sitting there. With the major milestones that I have achieved in the last few days, I definitely deserve to reward myself, but I am not going to. I booked my airfare to Dallas this morning for next Wednesday, and I will be there for a week. For that week, I am taking a break from the full program; while I will take care to not go crazy, I will eat with my wife – both at home and in restaurants – during the week. We not have seen each other nearly two months by the time I get there, and I want us to enjoy our short time together. As it is, I will be teaching two of the seven nights that I am there, which will leave us only five evening meals together. Yes, we will have breakfasts and lunches… and I will make a point of eating consciously while I am there. I would not be upset if I returned to Canada up a pound. I would be very disappointed in myself if after a week of splurging I was up five pounds or more. I have to remember to pay attention.

    I suppose the lesson of the previous paragraph is the one that I will have to most integrate into everyday life from the moment I am finished on my program – or really, starting now – and for the rest of my life. Constant mindfulness is what I will need in order to achieve and then maintain my goal weight. I will have to remember that. When I am going out to a restaurant, the mindfulness should ideally start well in advance. Once I know what restaurant I will be going to – and by trying to choose only restaurants where it is easy to be good – I should try to look online to see what their food options are, and what the nutritional values of them are. As I discussed with my buddy yesterday, calories are the measurement that so many focus on, but in fact it is neither calories nor fat that are the real problems. It is carbohydrates and starches that cause most of our obesity. So yes, the menu in many restaurants will list the caloric values of each dish, but by looking them up in advance I can choose in advance the truly healthier meals. I use that word in the context of the restaurant, because as I have said many times, with few exceptions there is really no such thing as a truly healthy meal at a restaurant. By being informed and mindful of what I order, and then not letting myself get tempted by my eyes, I hope it is possible to get slim and healthy… and to stay that way.

    To be clear, my breaking from the strict program is only for the week that I am away. As soon as I am back in Canada I am resuming from where I left off: four meal replacements per day, and nothing else. I have given it some thought, and realize that if I am vigilant with it, it would not be unrealistic to get to my next major milestone by the beginning of March. On September 27, 2020, I weighed 260.4 lbs. This morning I weigh thirty-four pounds more than that. If I can stick to the strict program for six weeks (minus my week in Dallas), then that is very possible. We’ll see.

    Okay, my wife has seen my goatee and approves. Now I can not only publish this entry, but I can also post a picture on Facebook! I told her that I would love to post before and after pictures, which got me thinking… My weight loss before picture is from January 20, and I took an interim picture to post side-by-side on my blog on August 7 (Day 200), when I was seventy pounds down. Maybe it is time to take a new picture for that comparison. I will wait until next week when I am in Dallas; if for no other reason, there is nobody on earth who looks at me with such love and admiration as Leslie, so why not have her take the picture? Of course, it would be great if I can drop another 6-7 lbs. in the meantime… but that is not why I am waiting. Frankly, I do not feel comfortable asking friends to take that sort of picture. It was my son the elder who took the last one, and he is taking a bit of a time-out from me.

    I just booked an appointment to have my blue sports jacket altered; I will head over there this afternoon, and I asked if I could pick it up by next Tuesday… before I fly to Dallas. I like dressing up for my wife, and with my best shirts and suits and stuff finally fitting properly, I can finally do it without looking like a schlub.

    Have a great day folks!