Losing a part of me

I am not sure what is going on these last couple of days, but my eyes popped open again this morning before 6:00am. If I was going to jog that would have been helpful. As I am holding off on that until the weekend (or at least until Friday, when I do not have a thirteen-hour day) that becomes decidedly inconvenient. At least yesterday when I woke up I was able to take advantage of my early rise by going to get my bloodwork done. This morning I did some banking, answered some emails, but that’s it. I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I said my prayers before sitting down to my computer with a meal replacement and a cup of coffee… and I do not have to start teaching for another ninety minutes or so.

The streak ended today. After nine straight days of watching my weight drop every morning, today it is the same as it was yesterday. That is not really a big deal, especially knowing that this morning was the first since I restarted the full-fast program that I did not have a bowel movement. Had my weight gone up I might not be so calm (although I would try to put on a brave face). Staying the same was not nearly so bad as a gain would have been.

It is interesting to compare what my mind views as cheating when I am on the full program as compared to when I am not. For example: I know for a fact that there were a couple of days last week (before I started again) when I decided it would not be the end of the world if I bought a bag of mini crisps… or Goldfish crackers. At the end of any day I would likely not have been able to give you a proper accounting of everything that I ate. In contrast, yesterday I had four meal replacements (900 calories total), three cups of coffee (with oat milk, as much as 20 calories total), two cups of Royal Milk Tea (one caffeinated, one decaf – my best research puts this at 120 calories total), and three Bentasil lozenges (eucalyptus flavour – 8 calories). That comes to about 1,050 calories. Add to that about 100g of carbohydrates (75g of which are in the meal replacements) and it comes to a very successful day. Nonetheless, I thought long and hard about that second cup of tea, knowing that it would be a cheat. What only a week ago would have been an irrelevance now gives me pause. I am not sure if that is a good thing (that I am mindful and aware of everything that I am ingesting) or a bad thing (that I am so obsessive about it). A third possibility is possibly more balanced… that I should be more aware (and mindful!) when I am not on the program, but that I can be a little more forgiving of myself when I am being almost completely strict. And here we have yet one more thing I will need to think about this week.

My goal for today is to stick to the program. I am not going to be stingy with the lozenges – I am doing a lot of talking this week, and my throat is my most important tool – but if I do feel the need for another drink in the evening, I might brew a proper cup of tea, rather than mix a second milk tea. I am not doing this because I am appalled by the sixty calories in each cup, but it is something that I can control better… I can control how much oat milk I use, as well as the sugar. That reminds me that I have to remember to buy coffee the next time I go shopping. I really wish I could remember where I bought it last time, because it was really very nice! Oh well… I will have to do some research and find a good source for the beans that I like.

Again, I will not be exercising today. I got through yesterday very well, and even sat on the balcony to enjoy a cigar at the end of the evening. With that said, even if I thought I had the time today, I know that I did not sleep nearly enough last night, and I have to be careful to not only make it through today, but the rest of the week as well. I am glad that while I cannot jog this week, I also have very little opportunity (or temptation) to cheat. I know I lose weight faster when I balance exercise and the program, but if I can only do the program these next few days then I will still lose a little bit more weight… or at least I will not gain any.

Have a great day folks!