Losing a part of me

Category: Plans

  • Day 391

    One thing I should have realized yesterday from my disgusting weight gain was that I had not had a successful bowel movement in a couple of days. It was only after I wrote my article – not to mention after my morning meal replacement and a couple cups of coffee – that I had one. I wonder, had I done that in the morning, if I would have fared better. Probably not, but it is nice to think about.

    I got through the day pretty much unscathed. I did not get any exercise in, and the embarrassingly low step count is something that I would have more closely associated with a day when I taught all day and hardly left my desk. I did do a little bit more walking than I had done most days last week because I went to the supermarket to buy distilled water for my humidor. I have to tell you, the deeper I get into my weight loss journey, the more tempted I am to splurge. I am not going to lie, walking past the aisle of potato chips to get to my distilled water did make me think twice, and I had to redouble my focus to not splurge. I know those potato chips would taste oh so good and would scratch an itch that I have been feeling for weeks. I also know that if I give in to that momentary temptation that I will be paying for it dearly the following morning when I step onto the bathroom scale. I already fell off the wagon with the nacho chips and salsa at the restaurant… but those chips are not the type that really tempt me. I have to stay focused and get through the next twenty-three days until I get to Dallas… hopefully ten pounds lighter than I am this morning. If I don’t then I will never succeed.

    My housekeeper (who is also a friend whom I have known for a decade) came over yesterday afternoon, and we were discussing weight loss because she weighs herself every time she comes over… and she does not weigh herself anywhere else. I have not bothered telling her that when she weighs herself with her clothes on, she is not accounting for that extra weight, but I do not want her to think that I am trying to get her to take her clothes off. Far from it! Anyhow, she was telling me how much she wants to weigh ideally, and she discussed some of the downsides to that weight loss. We then discussed some of the pitfalls to any weight loss journey, and I gave her my ‘I can never order Buffalo wings in a restaurant ever again’ shpiel. Fortunately, before I had to tell her anything more, Eduardo came over and we went outside to smoke.

    How wonderful was it when Eduardo walked into the apartment, looked at me, and said ‘My G-d, Mitch! How much weight have you lost? You look amazing!’ If feels great when friends notice. I generally do not like to discuss my journey (and especially the program that I am on) with anyone, he is aware of it because when I was on the program the first time, he and I went on vacation together a couple of times, and he had to be aware of it so that he would not pressure me to eat. Anyhow, he is extremely proud of what I have been able to lose so far. He told me that he has never seen me this thin before, but I told him that in 2017 I was actually about eleven pounds lighter than I am right now. I am close enough to that milestone that he can be forgiven for thinking I am lighter now than I was then. In any event, it was great to see him, and to catch up after nearly a month.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale dropped only slightly this morning, likely because I did not get any significant exercise. I will try to make up for that today; I might go for a jog later in the day when it has warmed up. When Princess Sophie and I went out for our walk this morning it was gorgeous and sunny… and it was still -2° outside. With a forecast high of 9°, it should be a brilliant day to hit the road again. I am not at all displeased that my appointment to help someone with their network in downtown Toronto was deferred until next week. Not only can I jog during my freed-up afternoon, but it also means that I can have a wonderful and relaxed video date with my wife this evening without worrying about rushing home. It is, after all, Valentine’s Day, and she is my beshert. She told me that I should be expecting a parcel from Canada Post sometime today, and I am really excited to get it! I know that she received her Valentine’s Day gift a little early, but she loved it and her getting it earlier does not detract from the sentiment of it.

    My plans for today are to get my hair cut, and then see if I can get my sunglass lenses taken care of. I will not bore my readers with the details of that. After that, depending on a number of minor factors, I will likely go out for a jog/walk. I know that Sunday I was able to jog 3km before pulling up and walking the rest of the way. It would be great if I could make it to 4km today, but whether I do or I do not, I know that it is most likely irrelevant to my weight loss. What is most important is that I am getting out and exercising, and no matter if I jog two or five kilometres, it is still better than not jogging at all. I also suspect that by finishing the >6.5km circuit, by jogging or walking, constitutes a huge success. Additionally, I will stick to my full fast program and only consume my 900 calories, plus my pot of coffee. I am not lecturing at all, which means I do not have to worry about extra coffee (or tea), or lozenges. While I realize that all of those are likely insignificant it at all relevant to my program, today is a day without them which means I am full-bore on the program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 390

    I was disgusted with myself as I dropped my son off after our lunch together. I forget the draw of the chips and salsa that are brought unbidden to the table, and I ate a lot of them. It was only later that I looked them up to discover that the serving is 310 calories with 68g of carbs. I think the 4g of sugars is irrelevant… I should not have touched them without looking them up first, and once I looked them up, I should not have touched them at all… but once I touched them, I should absolutely have limited myself to 5-6 chips. Once my meal came (which was what I had planned) I ate all of the vegetables and about half of the chicken, but I had almost none of the rice. I do not think that is a good trade-off for the chips, but it was at least a minor penance.

    Driving home I realized the gravity of my mistake and tried to figure out how best to handle it. I decided that if carbs are fuel for the body, then I should work out. I had a number of reasons why going to the gym would not have been convenient, so I decided to go for another jog. When I got home, I suited up, and remembering some of the discomforts of yesterday I made two modifications to my wardrobe. Looking through my front closet, I found a pair of gloves that I bought specifically for running (they are branded The Running Room, which means that I was married to my first wife when I bought them), as well as a headband that I suspected would double nicely as a neck warmer. I told Leslie that I was going for an hour, and I set out on my trek.

    My pace was not as quick as it was the previous day, but that did not matter as much as getting out and doing it. I chose to take mostly the same route as yesterday, except I opted to run through the park. While there was a brief area where I was careful because I was not sure if it was water or ice, the trail was mostly dry. I knew it was unlikely that I would be able to do the whole 6.5 km path jogging, but I was determined to do a little better than I did previously. I forced myself to jog until I had three kilometres behind me, then I pulled up, reset my trackers, and walked the remainder of the way home. With the slightly longer route through the park that I took, the total distance was 3.6km, which took just over 1h5m. Whatever the pace was, I consider that a successful outing, and if there was anything I could do to mitigate the stupid lapse in judgement at lunch.

    I do not know what the jog did to counterbalance my disgusting indulgence, but despite the horrible 1.6 lbs. gain this morning, I am still glad that I did it. The exercise was necessary, whether as a penance for my transgression, or simply as way to clear my hear and refocus my energies on what I need to do. This morning I sit looking out on a new day, and I will be back on track with my program. There will be no eating off the program this week. I will be sticking to it religiously, and by the end of the week I will be beyond that next minor milestone… below the 280 lbs. mark.

    I should mention that I really hated seeing the number shoot up on my push to best weight ever spreadsheet. Today is the eleventh day that I am maintaining it, and to see the comparison to 2020 shoot up from 2.4 lbs. yesterday to nearly 7 lbs. this morning hurt. I should take a peek into my previous journal to see what I did on July 30 to drop so sharply the next morning… but it shot back up the following day, so whatever it was, it did not last. Tomorrow’s comparison number will be better.

    I had to help Leslie with a difficult issue in the afternoon, after which we were able to relax with a couple of lovely cigars on the balcony. Video dates with her are tough, but in the grand scheme of things we both know that technology makes us easier to stay connected now than it would have even a decade ago. We both hate the distance, but at least we can have these times together with our video calls.

    Today I have nothing much going on in the morning, and then my housekeeper is coming in the afternoon. I have to remember that when I leave the house to pick her up from the train, I need to stop at the supermarket to pick up distilled water for my humidor’s humidifiers, which ran empty this weekend. Even though Kerry will be here, Eduardo might come over in the afternoon for a cigar, which will be nice. He wanted to come Wednesday, but that would not work for me. It will be nice to catch up with him; I have not seen him since I went to Dallas. I will teach in the evening, but unlike the stress of last week, this week I teach three evenings for 3.5 hours each. That is nothing I have to worry about, and it will be a relatively stress-free week. Tomorrow I am having a haircut and then going into Toronto to help someone with some computer issues they are having, and the only stressful part about that is having to drive into Toronto (and then out of it) during the week. I am tempted to take the train and ask them to pick me up and then drop me off (or at least take an Uber). Driving in Toronto is the epitome of not fun. I thought for a few minutes to change my haircut to a haircut and straight razor shave, but that was when I thought it was $15. I just went online to look, and they charge $80 for the combination… for that money, I will shave my own damned stubble, thank you very much! Yes, the straight razor shave feels so wonderful… but at that rate it will always be an occasional indulgence, and not a monthly occurrence!

    My plan for the day is to stay on track, and not lose focus as I did yesterday. I need to regain my forward (downward) momentum. I would think about going to the gym, but after two jogs over the weekend, I think I am going to take a couple of days to rest my quadriceps. One thing I am surprised about is that these last couple of days I have not had any pain or even minor discomfort in my right knee. I know that even as late as Friday I was taking Tylenol to ease it. I wonder if whatever is wrong with it is improved by the exercise, which is interesting because every study and anecdote I have ever heard about states that jogging is bad for the knee. Maybe it is not that my knee is better, but the recovery pains in my quads are distracting me from it. Who knows? Whatever it is, I am going to keep it up!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 389

    I did not expect that.

    As I was driving home from Toronto yesterday afternoon, I was amazed by how beautiful the weather was, and I decided to try to actually go for a jog. Yes, in the morning I decided on the spur of the moment to jog lightly with my dog… but that was an ad hoc thing. I came home and called my wife, and while I drank my midday meal replacement, I told her of my plans. She told me to make sure I did not hurt myself, which is certainly a possibility when an obese man of my age decides to go for a jog. I dressed warmly in layers, I took a bottle of water, I laced up my shoes, put in my ears, and off I went.

    Because of my fitness walking, I know the approximate distances of the routes I usually take, and I opted for the shorter of them. I was not sure how far I would be able to jog on my first outing, and I decided not to try to push myself. I also decided to not jog through the park; while the sidewalks are dry, there are a lot of icy patches on the paths that I had to be careful on this morning, and I did not want to get hurt – I promised Leslie!

    I am not sure if I am proud that I got as far as I did, or disappointed that I did not go farther. I do know that I jogged for twenty minutes at an average pace of 8m11s/km and came close to 2.5km overall, before stopping the jog (and my counters). I re-started the counters to walk the rest of the way home, which was just over 3.75km (with an average pace of 10m14s/km). I will say that while I was certainly dressed warm enough for the jog, the walk was chilly. I do not know if that was because I was not generating the heat, or because the wind picked up. It could absolutely be one or the other of those. The next time I go out for a jog in similar conditions, I will pack a scarf that I can wrap around my face if necessary.

    After I showered, I had a lovely cigar date with Leslie. We really enjoy spending time together, which I suppose is the whole point of getting married, right? The distance is frustrating, and while we are counting down the months until the State Department approves my visa, we are also counting down the days until my next visit. We now have just under twenty-five days until then, and they will be twenty-five very difficult days of separation. Why does flying have to be so damned expensive?? Why can’t the government just look at us and say ‘Yep, you are married to an American Mr. Garvis… come on in!’?? Such are the things that test a relationship.

    I am happy that I was able to stick to the program again yesterday. A friend wanted me to drive down to Niagara to join him for dinner and drinks. While I usually would, I decided I did not want to sound like I was making excused, and I told him that I was on a strict diet and was neither eating nor drinking but would gladly sit with him while he did. He told me that he would rather put off getting together until I was able to indulge. Frankly, I am glad that he said that. I did not want to drive to Niagara, but I really did not want to be tempted to break my program. A lot of people might say that ‘hey, after two jogs and a walk today, you deserve it!’ I say that I would rather see the benefits of the exercise on my weight loss, either this morning or tomorrow, and not eat to counterbalance my activity.

    I was feeling light-headed by mid-evening, but I am not sure if that is because of the low-calorie program, or because I woke up so early. I do know that it is the second or third evening this past week that I have felt that. Fortunately, last night I did not have to teach. I was feeling fine on the balcony until it was too cold to enjoy it, and it was only a little while after I came into the apartment (around 7:45pm) that I started to feel weak and light-headed. I am going to have to find a way to get more sleep. For the next two weeks I do not have the same crazy schedule as I did, so I will be able to take a nap during the day. After that, I have another week of 12-hour days. Hopefully by then I will either be more used to the program again, or at least I will be sleeping better.

    I will be breaking the program today for one meal. My son the younger wants to go to Lone Star Grill for lunch, and I took a few minutes to look at menu online. The Grilled Chicken Fajita Bowl is 810 calories with 35g of carbs, and I can eat half of it and then pretend to forget my doggie bag to take home. Of course, I will tell them to withhold the cheese because of my religious dietary preferences, and probably the rice as well… but even if I ate it all, half of that would be 405 calories, and that is not the worst thing in the world. If that is the only cheat meal I eat between now and my trip (okay, there might be two of these) then I’ll be okay.

    I cannot help but think that yesterday’s jogging contributed directly to the tremendous numbers on the scale this morning. In the previous eight days (Friday to Saturday) I had lost 1.4 lbs. This morning’s day-over-day loss was 1.8 lbs. I was so excited to see that extreme drop that I nearly whooped out loud! I know it is unlikely that I will see consistent drops like that, but when I do it feels good. I am a lot more confident this morning that I will reach my first goal (under 280 lbs. before my appointment with the haberdasher on March 2) than I was just a couple of days ago. Of course, if I can do that, then I must also be more confident that I can achieve that second goal of getting to Dallas on March 9 under 275 lbs.

    If you were to scour through the 350,000 words of this journal you would not find the name of the weight management meal replacement program that I have been following (often more loosely than I currently am). I said at the outset that I did not want to discuss that program by name because one day it would be replaced by something else, and I did not want this journal to be seen as obsolete as irrelevant when that happened. Well, it happened… at least in some places. I received a message from a member of one of the Facebook support groups for the program that claimed that the clinic in Hamilton where I first went on the program has officially changed to another product. She says that the product is similar to the old one, but I am not able to find any information about it yet. I have asked her to share details when she can. Whatever it is, I feel more justified now in my original plan to withhold the name of the product. What works for you should work for you, and nobody should tell you otherwise unless there is confirmation that one program or another has severe negative health consequences.

    It is a beautiful day out, and while it was cold this morning (it is still below zero), the forecast high is 6°, and by Wednesday that will be 15°… after which it drops down to zero by Friday and will once again start rising over the next few days. As I have said so often, if you are unhappy with the weather in Canada… wait a few minutes. I do not think I will be going for another jog this afternoon, but you never know. It is Super Bowl Sunday, and I have been invited to several friends’ houses to watch the game. I have politely declined each invitation, knowing that the food temptations will be too great. That is one of the topics of discussion in the Facebook support groups. My plan is to avoid the temptations completely by not subjecting myself to them. Other feel they have more willpower… or possibly they might be able to get away with just a little bit of cheating. Whatever it is, I am going to be home alone, probably on a video date with Leslie. As I have said so many times before… Lead me not to temptation! I know exactly where to find it.

    My diet buddy is coming over this morning for a cup of coffee. It will be great to touch base with her, knowing that there are so many temptations out there on this the most commercial sports day of the year. She and I started on a similar journey, but I was worried that we would lose that commonality after she had her surgery. I am glad that did not happen, and that we can both continue to support each other. We joked last week that when we are both slim, we should go to a bar together dressed to the nines and see which women check us out… yes, she would be trying to attract women as well. Both of us are married so it would just be an exercise in vanity, but it is still amusing to think about it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 388

    The week is over, and I can relax! I was really surprised by how light-headed I was during the last 90 minutes of my class last night. I did not want to consume my final meal replacement so early in the evening, so I prepared a cup of Royal Milk Tea. As I told Leslie, I was not skimping on the caffeine. I think my body was rebelling from my deciding that G-d would not be the reason I cheated on the program… or maybe it was G-d telling me that I should have bought and eaten the damned bread. Either way, I was extremely glad that after the break I was able to assign a 45-minute lab to my students. After the break, all I needed to get through was the last half hour, and then the weekend would be mine. I also knew that Leslie was waiting for me to finish, so I had something to look forward to!

    This morning brought two very conflicting (and completely unrelated) firsts. For the first time in eleven days, my weight was up; it was the smallest amount possible that would register on my bathroom scale, but for the first time since January 30 it was neither up nor stable. It took me but a second (after stepping off the scale and checking its consistency) to remember that there will be slight ups on the journey down, and it means neither that I failed nor that I cheated… it just means that weight loss is about the downward trend, rather than about the individual plots on the graph. I made the immediate decision that this was nothing that I should worry about, and I went about my day. It should be pointed out as well that at 6:04am this morning, a Saturday on which I should have been happy to sleep in, my eyes popped open, and were not at all interested in closing again. I finally decided to get out of bed and start my day at 6:30am, which is unusual for a Saturday… more so for a Saturday following a week like the one I just finished.

    I think my readers will agree that the second of these firsts is much more significant. In fact, some might call it monumental. On Day 2 of my journey, I set out goals for myself. One of them was: “When I have lost 80lbs I will be jogging again, at least 5 miles per day, at least 4 times per week.” That did not happen. I did start fitness-walking, which I felt was equally beneficial. That does not change the fact that I enjoy jogging, but I am so often reminded how hard it can be on the body – especially the knees. I did not set out with the intention of doing so, but this morning, as HRF Princess Sophie and I set out for her walk, I decided to start jogging. I did not decide that ‘you know what. Later today I will jog.’ In the very minute that I made the decision I started jogging. I was not going to shatter any records, but I was going to get the aerobic exercise along with my usual steps. Despite yesterday’s mild snowfall, the sidewalks were dry, but I knew that I would likely come across parts that were still icy, and I would stop my jogging for those stretches. I also stopped when we came across other doggies and their owners… and of course I had to pick up after her, so that was obvious. According to my fitness watch tracking, it might be the slowest mile ever run… the pace was over 18 minutes per kilometre. That does not matter… It was my first jog, and it was with my dog. By the end of this week, weather permitting I will be out there for at least a 5km jog in proper gear!

    I probably have the lowest resting hear rate of anyone I know. I do not know how accurate the data on my iPhone Health app is, but it is telling me that over the last month, my average resting heart rate is 58bpm. It has been measured at the doctor’s office around that as well. I am wondering if that is why, over the last week when I was hardly active at all, I did not lose any significant amount of weight. Is it possible that it is only when I am able to get my heart rate up that my metabolism kicks in to start dropping? That is something that I will pay attention to. For the next two weeks, unless something falls into my lap, I am only teaching in the evenings, which means that I will have the time to go to the gym – and possibly even go for a couple of outdoor jogs if the weather cooperates – and I will see how my weight loss is affected. How cool would it be if I do lose a lot of weight due to activity? My first step will be on every dry morning, rather than putting on my winter boots I will put on trainers, and Her Floofness and I will jog together… with her frequent stops during which I will usually jog in place.

    The weather today is dry and chilly but warming up a bit in the afternoon. I have to help a friend (really a friend of a friend) with their computer this morning, but I will be back mid-afternoon, and my wife and I have a cigar date planned. It will be wonderful to sit on the patio (possibly wearing sunglasses) and chatting with my baby. Even if I have to turn the heater on, I am optimistic that this weather is a sign of things to come. Many Canadians have been bitten by these hopes, so don’t expect me to change out my winter tyres just yet!

    I will stay on track today, and tomorrow morning the bathroom scale will remind me that I was right to not get discouraged by the very minor blip that was today. Even now, as my hear rate is still elevated slightly an hour after my first jog in years, I can feel the weight coming off!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 387

    It is seldom that I am so tired at the end of a Thursday that I am really just waiting for the weekend to get here. I love my work and I love teaching, but this week I was scheduled to teach four twelve-hour days (and one blessedly short 8-hour day). “…and He rested on the seventh day from all His work.” No, I am not comparing myself to Him, and I know there are much harder jobs that I could be doing… but it is from Genesis 2:2 of Torah that we derive the origin of the commandment to rest on the Sabbath. We all rest in our own way, but I will definitely be enjoying my weekend.

    After a frustrating week of very minor drops (and a few days without even that), I was relieved to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to realize a .8 lb. drop from yesterday. While that brings my week-over-week drop to an almost anemic 1.6 lbs. from last Friday, I also have to accept that leading up to that day, I had lost nearly 8 lbs. over the previous week. I know this slowdown was my body adjusting to that shock, and I am grateful that there was no day that I actually gained weight!

    Last night was amazing. It was my only evening this week that I was not teaching, and I got to spend it with my wife. Leslie and I had a lovely video cigar date that was so peaceful that I did not want it to end. We both enjoyed two cigars, which is not as common as you might think for the middle of winter. It helped that while rainy, the temperatures in Burlington were hovering around 3°, and until the wind picked up toward the very end of our second cigar, it was really quite pleasant outside. I did bundle up in my winter jacket, but I did not even think to wear my scarf. Leslie and I discussed myriad topics from the day – some more difficult than others – and I think we both realized that our harder days are made easier because we have each other.

    Looking back on this week, I am torn between being proud that I stuck to my full-fast program religiously – allowing myself only an extra cup of tea and a few lozenges – and disappointed that I could not be more active. I am looking forward to next week, which will be a much less busy week (only three evening classes) and seeing if I can get more exercise. At the same time, I am concerned that without the 12-hour structured day requiring tremendous focus I might find it more difficult to stay true to the program. I know that I was able to do it over last weekend, so I am probably concerned for nothing. I also hope that aside from the few social and personal obligations that I have I will still be able to focus on studying and getting ready for that next exam that I want to take. I know that over the last two weeks I have not made any progress with that; I am comforted by the fact that this was not because I was lazy or distracted, rather I was traveling and then working. Perhaps I am not losing focus, and the ADHD meds are still working!

    I took my shirts and sports jacket to the dry cleaners last night and will not have them back until Tuesday. Today I am wearing a shirt that is button-down but more casual, still with a necktie, under my blue sports jacket (which has now been altered twice and does not fit nearly as well). I still think I look okay but am looking forward to having my full wardrobe back. Last night I was musing with Leslie about what I might order when I visit the tailor on March 1. They always have package specials which they do not post on their website, so unless they send an email blast, I will have to wait until the day to make my final decisions. As much as I want to look good, I would not be spending their full retail prices for custom-tailored clothes. I am hoping to get a few shirts, a couple pair of pants, a couple vests, and a sports jacket. I will not allow myself to spend more than $2000 Canadian dollars for my order though… taxes, duties, and delivery included. We’ll see what they are offering. I am still excited that I can really start investing in looking good!

    Looking good may begin with the clothes, but proper grooming is critical. To that end, I am relieved to be going for a haircut on Tuesday. There is an undefined but clear delineation with my hair between short, longer but still looks good, and ‘can comb it as much as I want but by 11am it still looks unkempt.’ I transitioned from Stage 2 to Stage 3 somewhere between Friday and Tuesday.

    My plan for the day is, once again, to stay on track. I walked into Fortino’s yesterday evening after I dropped off my dry cleaning, and I was tempted to buy a challah roll for this evening’s Shabbat prayers. Almost as soon as I thought of it, I dismissed the idea. There are so many ways for me to fall off the wagon, but I am not going to blame my relationship with G-d for any of my failures. I marked down three short-term goals yesterday, and the best way to ensure that I do not hit any of them is to start doing stupid things like eating bread and blaming G-d for it.

    Aside from my actual weight, there are a few other numbers on my weight tracking spreadsheet that I like looking at… My Body Mass Index (BMI) has dropped from 49.5 to 36.4, my body fat has dropped from 39.9 to 32.3, and my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) has dropped from 2,884 to 2,201. These are huge improvements! I am still not in the healthy range, but I am on my way. With patience, dedication, and the support of my small circle, I will get there eventually. It would be nice if I could do that in this calendar year.

    Okay, it is time to start teaching. It will be another long day, but at least today I have a lunch break, and my class will be doing some of their labs.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 386

    The last couple of days I have found I am a bit weak at times during the day, even when I am taking my meal replacements when I am supposed to. I suspect the ridiculously long days with almost no break in between is a contributing factor. I know that I am able to get by without an issue on the 900 calories (plus my usual pot of coffee) per day because I have done it before – I was doing just fine before I went to Dallas, and I did it just fine for several days after returning from Dallas. I think it is the grueling schedule that is starting to get to me. I was offered a daytime contract for next week which I turned down because they wanted to pay me a very low amount. My reasons for turning it down were because I did not want to undervalue myself, and I did not want either the company or the broker to think that I was going to have a fire sale on my rates. I am glad now that I turned it down for another reason… I need to catch up on my rest. This week is hard on me, and knowing that I would be signing up for the same grueling schedule for two weeks in a row… I made the right decision. I did joke with Leslie that I turned it down because I had a haircut scheduled… but it was definitely more than that.

    I am happy about one thing though. Monday and Tuesday I was lecturing from 9:00am through 10:00pm without any real break. Yesterday afternoon my daytime class finally started doing labs, which means that between the lectures, I do get a bit of a respite from speaking.

    We are counting down the days again. In exactly twenty-eight days I will be flying to Dallas, and once again I will be with my wife. I know that we truly miss each other when we are apart… even though I suspect I occasionally get on her nerves when I am always there! It is my plan to not book any daytime classes for the two weeks that my trip span – I am there for two days, spanning Thursday to Sunday – because while I will have to teach Monday, Wednesday, and the two Fridays… at least I will be able to spend most of my time with her and not in front of a class. I am turning down those two weeks of work so that I can spend as much time with my wife as possible.

    I am excited that I have booked my appointment with the tailor for their next visit to Canada. March 1st I will go to get measured, and then (with Leslie on video chat) I will pick out a few new shirts, pants, vests, and probably a sports jacket. One of my main goals at the very beginning of this journey was to need a new wardrobe… and custom-tailored shirts and jackets are just what the doctor ordered. By then I will at least be under 280 lbs., and while it will hopefully not be the last time I shrink out of my wardrobe, I suspect it will be my penultimate time. I did write on Day 2 in My Weight Loss Goals that: ‘When I have lost 100lbs I will be changing out my wardrobe again… Goodbye 2XL, hello XL (and the size 40 (0r 38) pants.’ Well, I have lost over 100lbs., and I am in my XL shirts and Size 38 pants… but now I want to modify that goal from over a year ago. I have, as I mentioned before, changed how I dress for work. Gone are my polo shirts and pullovers. I wear a jacket and tie every day, and I feel great about that. While I do have several suits, shirts, pants, and a sports jacket that fit me, I want to start planning for my next fifty pounds. I will be picking upbeat shirts that suit my style, and after yesterday’s experience wearing my vest, I plan to integrate at least a couple of those into my wardrobe. I want to look great for my classes and for my wife… and for myself as well. There are costs involved with losing weight, and I could spend that money on t-shirts and off-the-rack clothes… or I can spend a little more and really be stylish.

    The bathroom scale threw me a bone this morning. I lost .2 lb. from yesterday (and the previous day). I know I have to be patient, and that every ounce dropped is progress. Still, I really do want to get to the finish line… at which point I will be jogging in place for the rest of my life. I know I have to be realistic, and to set realistic short-term goals. For the next month, I am setting the following goals:

    1. By March 1 (the day I go to the tailor) I would like to weigh under 280 lbs. so if I can lose five pounds in three weeks I will be there.

    2. By March 9 (the day I fly to Dallas) I would like to weigh under 275 lbs. so that I can at least have another noticeable difference when Leslie sees me.

    3. During my ten-day trip to Dallas (during which I will be back on my modified program) I would like to gain no more than two pounds.

    That will take me six weeks out from today. If, on March 20 (the day after I fly home from Dallas) I weigh under 275 lbs. then I will be happy. Looking at my spreadsheet comparing 2020 to now, that would have me under five pounds behind my pace from my previous journey. I am being conservative with my goals for now, and hope that next week, when I can get back into the gym and start moving again, my current stagnant pace will pick up some more. Until I see what results I get from that, I am going to stick with these very conservative hopes… but I will not fall off the program!

    It is raining this morning. HRF Princess Sophie took one look outside and planted her paws just inside the threshold. While it is warming up significantly today, the rain will be constant all day. The winds will be picking up in the evening, which might impede my tentative plans to enjoy a cigar on the balcony with Leslie. We will see, but that might have to wait for the weekend. I am hoping that she (HRF) does not get too antsy during the day and lets me take her outside during one of my two short breaks… my lunchtime will be taken up by my appointment with my therapist, and that is very important. Hopefully as well, the neighbour might knock on my door and say, ‘can Sophie come over to play?’ for a bit. I love her and she is very well behaved, but if she steps out for a few hours during the day I will not be upset.

    Two things that I have been doing differently from all of the other times I was dressing up is that I am wearing undershirts every day, and as soon as I take my shirt, jacket, and/or pants off, I hang them up properly. These two steps are significantly reducing how often I have to get them dry cleaned. With that said, I do plan to take all of my shirts except one, and all of the pants (which is only three pair) to the dry cleaner this evening. When I get them back, I want to come up with a system that will let me track what I have worn when and how many times. During a five-day class, I want to make sure I am not repeating my outfit. I know that with my sport jacket that will not be avoidable, but the shirt and tie combination will be much easier to rotate. I do have another sports jacket (which I decided to wear this morning, midway through this paragraph) which I can include, but there are a few reasons why it is not among my favourites… not the least of which is that it is off the rack from Sears. I cannot believe that I, of all people, and turning into a clothes snob! My sister, who used to make fun of me for wearing logo shirts always and looking like a walking advertisement, would be shocked. There is the odd occasion that I miss having her in my life.

    Okay, the plan for today is to stay on track. How many times have I said that? I am thrilled that for the last month I have done just that! I weigh seventeen pounds less than I did a month ago, but during that time I transitioned from my modified program to the full-fast program, and there was the expected initial sharp drop, which will now be followed by the slow and steady decline. If I lose the conservative two pounds per week then I will achieve my abovementioned goals. All I have to do is stay on track.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 384

    For the first time in a few days, I had a productive (if small) bowel movement. For the first time in a few days, I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning and weighed less than I have these last few days. It was not a huge loss, but something is better than nothing… and that something took me below the 285 lbs. mark! It was also the first day since I started my spreadsheet comparing my weight loss now with my weight loss from three years ago that this morning’s comparison to 2020 is lower than it was yesterday. While that may falter these next few days, that is more a commentary on how well I did in 2020 over that first ten days. I then lost momentum, so while the total weight loss from Day 1 of that sheet is nearly 9 lbs. on Day 11, that number drops to under 4 lbs. on Day 19. In 2020 it took me 69 days to drop from 285.2 lbs to 260.4 lbs. I still believe that in 2023 I can do it in less.

    Of course, there might be a bit of a delay in that. Yesterday, after much fighting with American Airlines, I booked my next trip to Dallas. On March 9 I will fly down for ten days, and I will once again go back on my modified program. With all of the worries I had, it worked really well the last time. I am going to expect, once again, that I will gain as much as two pounds on that trip to consider it a victory. If I do anything like my last trip, I will do much better than that!

    Yesterday went exactly as planned. Both my daytime and my evening classes are good groups, although I did not hear a lot from the daytime class (except when I asked them midday if they wanted me to change anything, and three of them told me I was ‘crushing it.’ I felt really good about that and will do my best to keep going. My evening class was a lot larger, and because of the different format I was able to force each one to turn their mics on to introduce themselves. That was a pretty good ice breaker, and while very few mics went on the rest of the night, I had them using the feature where they raised their hands… a lot. I stuck to the program, with the only aberrations being a cup of tea in the evening and a couple of lozenges. I essentially spoke straight from 9:45am to 10:30pm (with the last 90 minutes being on the phone with American Airlines), and I doubt anyone would begrudge me my throat soothers.

    Today I will do essentially the same… but I do have to step out. I was worried yesterday that I might not have enough oat milk for my coffee today. It seems that I do, but I will definitely not have enough for tomorrow if I do not go to the supermarket. There is nothing else that I need, so I will get in and out as quickly as possible. I wish the oat milk was not all the way at the back of the store, but I know that I can get through without succumbing to any temptations. I will also take the opportunity to drop a couple of my shirts and a pair of pants at the dry cleaners. I may be saving a ton of money on that bill by wearing undershirts, but that does not change the fact that they do need to be cleaned from time to time. Of the four shirts that went me to Dallas, three of them are in need… as are a pair of pants.

    Last night I was worried about sleeping, as I have had trouble the last couple of nights. I woke up twice to pee, and the second time I felt like I might not get back to sleep… it was 3:15am. Before I even went to the washroom, I proactively ate a melatonin gummy, so when I got back into bed I might have an easier time. Indeed I did, and was asleep within 15 minutes or so. I did not sleep through to my alarm clock, and again was out of bed 10-15 minutes early… but that is not the end of the world. At least it was not another mostly sleepless night.

    Stay on track today. Stay focus, stay mindful. Do not veer, and you will succeed. Right, Taz? Yes Staff Sergeant!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 382

    It is because of my lovely wife Leslie that I did not add a grocery shopping trip to my plans for today. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I was hungry for most of the afternoon and evening, despite faithfully following the program. We were chatting last night, and I told her that the keto anger is real, and that my body is fighting back against my returning to the full fast program with no real food. I told her that I have to teach tomorrow (and all week) from 9:30am to 10:00pm, and that I did not know if I would be able to get through it without breaking the full-fast, meal replacements only diet. Maybe if I added just one smaller meal back into my routine then I would be able to get through without falling. Leslie reminded me how strong I have been, and how much I have relished in my success. She reminded me that I am not weak! She did not tell me that I was strong, which some people might have thought the right positive word to use; whether it was conscious or not, reminding me of what I do not want to be gave me something to think about… and another reason to stay strong – because I do not want to be weak! It worked… I am not going shopping today. I am sticking to the program. I am strong!

    This morning I approached the bathroom scale with the words ‘Please do not be higher than yesterday!’ on my breath. I was not only thinking it, I said it out loud. After five days of weight drops, I did not want to see the trend reverse. It did not… but it was not lower either. My weight this morning is exactly what it was yesterday morning. I know that is to be expected, but as I stepped off the bathroom scale I started thinking, ‘Okay, I did not lose any weight… and that is probably because I was not able to have a bowel movement for the second morning in a row.’ Of course, that is to be expected as I am not eating solid foods… the frequency of proper bowel movements can drop to 2-3 times per week. What can you do? In the meantime, I did not lose weight this morning… but I will tomorrow morning… and if I don’t, then there is always Tuesday!

    I made a minor change when I came back to Canada the other day. I do not know how long it will last, and I do not know how much of a difference it is likely to make. I have not been adding sugar to my coffee. I definitely prefer the taste with a little sweetness, but I promised myself that when I could completely cut sugar out, I would try. I was only drinking one cup of coffee per day in Dallas (albeit a huge one) and was putting a smaller amount of sugar into it than usual. I have been missing the sweetness, but I think I can make do… as long as I continue to drink premium coffee. If I find myself at Starbucks or Tim Hortons, I suspect I’ll be back on the sweet.

    Princess Sophie impressed her vet as always. She has gained a bit of weight, and the doctor said she does not have to lose any… but also should not gain anymore. She said that as she filled her with treats to cooperate. I should mention that she has gained three pounds in the nearly four years since I rescued her, and she is a very happy little girl. I will continue to feed her the same amount of food but might cut back on the treats a little.

    I planned to take a nice nap yesterday afternoon and be refreshed to face the evening. About seven minutes after I fell asleep my phone rang, so that idea went down the drain. I had not heard from this friend in a couple of months, and it was good to catch up… even at the expense of my rest. I spent a lazy afternoon at home though… I had nothing to do, and I know what a bear this coming week is going to be, so I decided I deserve it. I am pretty sure that (after my study group) my diet buddy will come over for a cup of coffee today. After that, either Eduardo will come here for a cigar, or he and I will go to hang out with another friend. We’ll see. Originally the forecast was for 6°, but that has been revised slightly downward… and it will be windy, so I am not so excited about sitting outside. I will see what the day holds. In the meantime, the Princess and I went for a walk this morning, and it was nowhere near as uncomfortably cold as it was yesterday.

    After my aborted nap yesterday, I was hungry. I am not sure if I was really hungry, or if I was bored. I do know that I wanted to eat, and even after my evening shake, I was still hungry. I decided that it was not a good idea to go through to bedtime that hungry. I took a very small portion of pumpkin seeds that I keep to put on salads… and then I took some sugar free mints that I have. I did not devour the package, but they did help me get through the evening. I suppose with the seeds and the Ice Breakers I did technically cheat, but not terribly. I know I would rather have a small, controlled cheat than fall off the program… and I know what I have in my freezer (not to mention the pantry), so that would have been a real possibility.

    It has been weeks since I dropped below the 300-pound mark, and yet every time I think about my weight, I am thinking it will be above that. When I prepared to step onto the scale this morning, I was not looking for a drop below 285 lbs… I was looking for a drop below 315 lbs. I have mentioned so many times over the course of my journey that the psychology of weight loss can be as difficult and sometimes more so than the physical losing of the weight. It was only ten days ago when Leslie took my picture and I posted the side-by-side comparison to the first day of my program, and the difference is so obvious as to be laughable. When I am not looking at the pictures, it is still easy to think of myself as that over-350 lbs. morbidly obese man whose clothes do not fit. I write that as I sit here comfortably wearing a casual button-down shirt from Polo that has not fit in so long… and with a t-shirt underneath it to boot. The proofs are in my face, and they are obvious, but that does not always mean that my psyche has caught up. I suppose that is one of the myriad reasons that when my therapist asked last session if I really need her, I did not hesitate for a moment to reply that I did… and I do… and I will. I told her that I have lived with ADHD for my entire life, and I have only been on the medications to rein the symptoms in for six weeks. I do not yet know how to deal with not having those symptoms constantly affecting me. Likewise, I have been obese my entire post-Army life, and I do not yet know how to not be so… I know that I stopped seeing her sometime around the time I moved from Burlington to Ottawa in 2017, and it was about that time when my weight loss abated, and I started on that slippery slope to gaining weight back. There were, of course, many factors involved with that… but I cannot help but wonder if I had stayed in Burlington and in therapy, would I have regained all of the weight? Until someone invents a time machine we will never know. I am here… and I am staying in therapy because I need it. Many years ago, my uncle moved to California. Shortly thereafter he told me that he had learned there are two types of people in the world: those who need therapy, and those who do not yet know that they need therapy. I do not know if that is true, but I do know that right now I fall squarely into that first group.

    Okay, I have things to do. My study partner is running late so I can either procrastinate and write more, or I can accomplish a few more things before my delayed group starts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 381

    I have been waiting for the shoe to fall, but it has not. I fully expected that after four straight days of weight loss that had me 7.6 lbs. down, the bathroom scale (and my body) would finally correct themselves to show at least a minor gain. Not today! While the downward trend slowed, I still lost .2 lb., which puts me on the cusp of a minor milestone. At 285.0, my next drop – however minor – will take me below that number.

    I have written a great deal about major and minor milestones, both with regards to absolute numbers (e.g.: when I dropped below 300 lbs.), progress numbers (e.g.: when I had lost 100 lbs.), and most recently comparative numbers (comparing to my last weight loss attempt). Because North America thinks in the imperial system for weights, I almost neglected to see a huge milestone coming in the next few days… although I will not celebrate it officially until my weigh-in at the doctor’s office on Wednesday morning. While my bathroom scale is set to pounds, the nurse weighs me in kilograms. Doing a quick conversion, I realized just now that my current weight has me down 49.9 kilos – a mere 100g from tipping over the 50kg lost mark. Of course, when the nurse weighs me, I am fully dressed, so there is a chance that as of this morning it might be closer to 49kg. I have four more days before she weighs me, but if I stick to the program (as I fully intend to do) then I should be there. I might not let out a loud whoop there, but I will smile… and when I come back to write in this space, I will recognize it.

    I mentioned in yesterday’s journal/blog entry that the last time I lost weight, in 2020, I got from where I was yesterday to my best weight in sixty-eight days… after which I started losing ground. I decided that I was going to create a spreadsheet that I will use for as long as I need it… I copied and pasted the information for every day between July 21 and September 27 – the date, and how much I weighed. I edited it down so that there would be only one entry per day – I see that I would often step onto the scale several times per day, so I deleted all but one entry for each day – as often as possible, one that corresponded to my usual morning weigh-ins. I do not know why I would get onto the scale at 1:00am, or four times at 8:30pm. The spreadsheet has five columns: today’s date, today’s weight, my weight on the corresponding day from 2020 and the date of that weight; the fifth column is the difference between this time and last time. As yesterday’s weight is exactly what I weighed on July 21, 2020, that row looks like this:

    Date

    Weight Today

    Compare to 2020

    Weight 2020

    Date

    2/3/2023

    285.2

    0

    285.2

    7/21/2020

    2/4/2023

    285

    1.8

    283.2

    7/22/2020

    I know that the next day in 2020 I had lost two pounds, so it was not unexpected that this morning’s middle column is a positive number. I am hoping that by early next week that number is squarely and consistently in the negatives.

    I see that there are four days without a measurement (August 4-7), and I came back on August 8 nearly one pound heavier. I do not know what that is about, but I will note the same weight as the day before the absence for the comparison. If I am able to stay on the program, then it should not take me sixty-eight days to get there. While I was above and below 280 a few times between July 28 and August 12, it is clear that I was stuck on a plateau for a few weeks. I know I was eating at least one meal every day at the time, which I do not plan to do now. At least, I do not plan to eat daily meals until I drop below that best-weight-ever mark… not just the best-weight-yet territory that I keep celebrating. That is exactly twenty-five pounds lower than yesterday’s weight. I will mark my weight in the spreadsheet every day until I am below that Best Weight, and then I can delete the file.

    My plan for today is to stay on course. HRF Princess Sophie has an appointment at the vet to get her shots, which she is not at all excited about. I will bring her straight home and give her treats to make up for the ordeal. I will spend most of the afternoon at home, and I might go out this evening to see some friends and light a cigar. Tomorrow morning, I have a study group meeting in the morning, and I am reasonably sure I have a couple of tentative engagements in the afternoon, but I cannot remember what they are right now. As long as none of then revolve around food, I should be okay. The coming week is going to be a bear – I am teaching every day from 10am, and with the exception of Thursday, I teach until 9:30pm every night. I will be keeping my head down and will have very little opportunity to cheat on my diet. When the doctor’s office phoned me a couple of days ago to let me know that the doctor cannot see me Wednesday morning, but I can still come in to get weighed, I breathed a sigh of relief. I did not want to be sitting with the doctor looking at my watch. I will go early, be in first, and get out of there so that I can be back at my desk by 9:30am.

    Stay mindful; stay on course. That is my motto for the week. Tomorrow’s forecast is forecasting a high temperature of 6°, which means it will be a good day to be outside if I need to be. I am hoping to connect with a couple of other friends tomorrow afternoon for a cigar, but if that cannot happen then I just might sit on my own balcony with a cigar and my book.

    Have a great day folks!

  • You Are Kidding Me, Right?

    There are many days on the weight loss program when I look at the numbers on the bathroom scale and say that. ‘You’re kidding me, right?’ More often than not, those are bad days… the days when I have followed the program religiously, but either lost no weight or worse… actually gained weight. There are also days (like yesterday morning) when I look at the scale in shock, seeing a number so low as to astound me. Yes, I had been good on the program… but to see a drop of two pounds day-over day, after the previous day’s drop of 2.6 lbs., is pretty surprising. Don’t get me wrong, I did not complain; I was simply expecting this morning’s numbers to correct that somewhat.

    After a sleepless night in a hotel in Queens, followed by a relatively uneventful flight, I was in my apartment in Burlington, Ontario (about a 40-minute drive from the airport) by about 12:20pm. I unpacked and then walked down the hallway to my neighbour’s apartment to pick up HRF Princess Sophie, and to chat for a few minutes. It was thirty minutes from walking in the front door until I got undressed and stepped onto the scale. I knew before I did that I should not have much faith in whatever number the bathroom scale showed me because of all of the travel and disorientation, not to mention that it was nearly five hours later in the day than I usually weigh myself. Whatever the number would be, I would take it at face value.

    It is difficult to accept that after two straight days of huge day-over-day drops that for a third straight day the scale registered a drop of over two pounds. You really have to be kidding me. I know I was mostly good for the week in Dallas, and considering everything that happened over the past thirty-six hours (mostly resulting from an ice storm in Dallas that threw my well-planned travel plans into a cross-shredder) I know I was really good yesterday and this morning… but I cannot believe for a minute that I not only weigh less than I did the last couple of days, but I am also a full five pounds lighter than I was the morning I left for Dallas. It simply makes no sense, especially knowing that Friday morning – two days after that last Canadian weigh-in – I had gained 2.2 lbs. Certainly not with the knowledge that Friday evening Leslie and I went out to a Chinese restaurant, or that Sunday I ate meatless burgers with bread and sweet potato fries. Absolutely not possible, knowing that Monday morning (four days ago) I weighed a full seven pounds more than I do right now. It is simply not believable.

    I stepped off the scale and made a beeline for the kitchen, where I prepared my first Canadian meal replacement shake since last Wednesday; when it was ready, I brought it over to my workstation, fired it up, and started trying to make sense of that which just does not make sense. I know that tomorrow morning, after a good night sleep, at the right time of the morning, and with eighteen hours separating me from my last airplane ride, the number will be real and true.

    I have to assume that tomorrow morning I will weigh at least slightly more than I did at 12:45pm today, but in truth I do not know what it will be. All I know is that right now, at 1:15pm on Thursday, February 2, 2023, I weigh less than I have since January 27, 2021 – almost two years to the day – when I was on that slippery slope. At the time, I was only 25 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever… but it would only keep getting worse until just about one year later when I was 135 lbs. heavier than my best weight. Just like it took me nearly a full year to gain the rest of that weight back, it has taken me slightly more than a year to get back down to it.

    This time I am not getting off the ride. It will be hard work to stay on it, but my goal is to keep losing weight until I am slim, and then work my tail off every single day to stay there.