Losing a part of me

Category: Plans

  • Day 1151

    One habit I am going to try to get back into, as I embark on this ‘No Groceries’ diet, is writing my journal article first thing in the morning (after my morning rituals, washroom, dog walking, and making coffee and my meal replacement). There have been too many days when I have forgotten, and it is meant to be a way for me to record my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to keep me honest. Not doing so every morning has led to where I ended up… and doing it half-assed is why I have spent most of the last four months hovering between 298 and 313 pounds. It is time for a reset, and I am going to give it my all.

    This morning, following my walk with Her Floofness, I had my first meal replacement shake. Okay, that is a lie; after I finished typing that sentence, I looked to my right and realized that I have taken three sips of it and am actually currently drinking my first meal replacement shake of the new regimen. I have some food that I will make for lunch, but I finished the eggs yesterday and am not going grocery shopping. Today is effectively Day 1 again.

    In the spirit of what I wrote in the first paragraph, I am feeling apprehensive. I do not know if I have the willpower to do it, and while I hope that I do, we all know that hope is not a strategy. I want to be able to fit into every shirt and jacket and suit and tuxedo and vest in my closet, and right now I do not. There is one suit that fits very tightly, and a few shirts that are still comfortable. None of my sports jackets fit, and only one of my vests fits. I have been wearing that vest over the few shirts that fit for every single class I have taught, and I am done with that. By next week I want to be able to wear the largest of my sports jackets. **Okay, I was wrong… kinda. The first of the sports jackets that I had made for me when I was first losing weight fits decently. I forgot about it because I had put it into a bag to donate in Cuba and forgot about it. I have not been back to Cuba for a year, so it has been sitting in my closet. Midway through writing this paragraph I pulled it out, tried it on, and then hung it up in the washroom. I also plugged in my hand steamer. When the steamer is heated up, I will steam the wrinkles out of it and will thus be able to wear it this week. I do not consider that any sort of victory, but at least I can give my vest a break.

    There are a couple of things that I need to remember to do while I am on the program. The first is to drink a lot of water; it is harder to remember to do that during the cold winter months, but as we slide into spring, I hope to be able to remember. The second is that I should be taking fibre. I had the jar of fibre powder on the counter this morning, but I still forgot to mix it into my meal replacement shake. I killed two birds with one stone by mixing a teaspoon of fibre into a glass of water and I downed it. Now I just have to remember to keep with it. Drinking a lot of water is one of the ways my body will flush some of the waste from my body. The fibre is important because as I curb and then cut out solid foods I want my bowels to stay regular. It is bad enough that there will be days when I do not move my bowels successfully; I remember how painful some of those movements can be, and I do not want to relive that!

    I do not know how long I will go. I know that next weekend I am driving to Montreal and do not plan to stick to the program during my four-day trip; the reason for my trip is too stress- and anxiety-ridden for me to even try. The next ‘break’ after that will be the weekend of April 11-12 because of the banquet and subsequent breakfast that I am obligated to attend, followed by that evening (Saturday) being the first Passover seder, and I will try to find one to attend. My hope is that after that I will have a box of matzah which I will enjoy for breakfast, but the rest of my meals will be replacements. I will decide closer to the actual date what I am going to do. This might be a 30-day sprint to drop 20-pounds, or it might turn into another push for my ultimate goal. We will see.

    This afternoon and evening I will be in Grimsby seeing friends, but before that I will be doing some work and having a video date with my wife. Aside from that, I have some work to do to prepare for some upcoming classes. That should be fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1150

    I did not buy groceries yesterday or today, but that is not really saying a lot. When I spoke with my wife yesterday afternoon I discussed my plan with her. Doing that gave me the opportunity to solidify my plan in my own mind. I will continue to eat what is in the house, but as it depletes, I will be replacing meals with protein shakes. That will begin tomorrow morning, as I finished the last of my eggs this morning.

    I do not know if this plan will get me down under the terrible mark before my trip to Montreal, but it will at least be a start. What I am really hoping is that by the time my banquet comes around (in just under four weeks’ time) I will be able to wear either of my tailored suits without worrying that the jacket is too tight. I wore one of them to Lodge Thursday evening and yes, I could have buttoned it… barely. I have four weeks to go from barely to comfortably. Wish me luck.

    I met a few of my Lodge brethren this afternoon for a number of discussions that had to happen. I left both meetings happy to have seen them and satisfied with the outcomes of the conversations.

    Today was also the first day I was able to leave the house without a jacket. Spring is definitely around the corner. Looking at the long-range forecast the high temperatures will be 7°, with the remaining days all hitting double-digits. The nights will still be chilly, with low temperatures ranging from -2° to 4° over the next ten days. Chilly, but improving.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1080

    My day yesterday did not go as I had planned. I did not drive to Niagara Falls (we will go one day this week) and I spent several hours waiting to see a doctor and then to get an x-ray of my hip. Hopefully it starts to feel better. I also slept a ridiculous amount – I was in bed shortly after 6:00pm, and while I did not fall asleep right away (nor stay asleep right through) I did not get out of bed until 7:30am. My sleep score was only a 78, but that is better than it might have been.

    I did not eat terribly yesterday, but my weight continues to creep up. I hope that in a few days my hip is back to normal so that I can resume my exercise routine.

    I am meeting a couple of people for coffee today. Hopefully I will stay on track.

  • Day 1074

    I woke up this morning after a slightly better night’s sleep than the previous night; then again, with a sleep score of 48 it would have been hard to not beat it. I got into bed at a relatively early and really tired, but that did not help me sleep one bit. I tossed and turned until I finally nodded off around 2:00am. I ended up logging just shy of seven hours of sleep according to my fitness watch, and my sleep score was a 76.

    My weight stayed right where it was yesterday, which is not a bad thing considering some of the cheating I did.

    I am not sure what my plans are for the day, as I am still waiting for a friend to get back to me. Either I will smoke cigars with friends, or I will smoke cigars alone. That is the daytime. In the evening I will be with my boys to light the candles. It will be nice to see them.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1060

    I was not nearly as disciplined as I needed to be last night, and because of that I am much closer to that horrible mark than I should be. Why is it that after doing well for just a few days I fall off the cliff and cannot stay disciplined?

    Tomorrow is the first day of the week-long class that I am sitting for my next certification that I hope to earn. I will have to be at my computer from 8:30-5:30 every day, so if I do not go shopping and buy any cheats then the only opportunity I will have to cheat badly is at the Lodge’s holiday party Tuesday evening. I will get through it. In the meantime, today’s challenge will begin with taking my son the younger for lunch… most likely to his favourite Lone Star Texas Grill, which means that I will either not eat, or I will be very careful. It is easy to do there because I know that the slightest misstep will cost me. After that, I am going back to their house to work on his computer. It is amusing for me to see my fourteen-year-old son hacking his way through a computer that I am monitoring.

    (Six hours later)

    I am back from lunch, and a lengthy conversation with my ex-wife. We had some issues regarding both of our sons to discuss. Additionally, it seems that some time ago she had DNA profiling done on her and our son the younger. I assume she had it done for our son the elder as well, but as he and I do not share DNA it was not discussed. It came as no surprise that Gilad was just short of 50% Ashkenazi Jew… although there was also a trace (on his father’s side) of Mizrachi, Sephardi, and Georgian Jewish as well. While I cannot say for certain that this is proof that my ancestors were all faithful, it shows that if they did stray then they did so with other Jews.

    The conversation about our son’s computer was interesting. I let her know that children are able to circumvent just about any security that we put on their computers. Knowing that, it is no different than the adversarial side: if the easiest way to hack a system is through social engineering, then that can also be the best way to defend against misuse. During our lunch I let my son know that I can see everything that he does on the computer, and his level of embarrassment shot up to a nine. He promised that he would stop doing what he had been doing while he is supposed to be studying (or when he is in class). As for my ex-wife’s concerns about ‘what is becoming of our little boy’ I reassured her that everything he is doing is perfectly normal and is the 2024 equivalent of when we would sneak out as teens. At least with what he is doing online I can monitor it and keep him safe.

    I may have gotten out of Lone Star Texas Grill without cheating, but when my ex offered me a cookie that she and our son the elder made (and was quite insistent) I could hardly say no. Fortunately I was able to stick to a single cookie. I came home and prepared chicken and salad for lunch. I am letting it digest for a bit, but in the next thirty-minutes (or so) I will be getting onto the treadmill. My current step-count is just shy of 4,000, and yes today is Day 16… I need to hit 11,140 steps before midnight to extend my steps-goal streak to sixteen days which will tie my streak from April last year. If I tie it today, then I can beat it tomorrow… but if I do not then I would have to start over at the beginning.

    On the subject of the steps-goal, I cheated yesterday. No, I did not put my fitness watch into the clothes dryer. What I did was this: I hit my steps-goal before going to the party… and I took my fitness watch off for the evening. I did not want to record 15,000 steps yesterday… that would have adjusted my steps-goal for today way up. As it stands, my daily goal is 11,140 steps, and that is doable… but not easy. I have been having trouble keeping my pace these last few days, so I have slowed to a walk. I do not want to do that today… but I am currently a bit over 7,000 steps from hitting my goal (about 7km) and I would rather reach that goal at a slower pace than miss it at a faster one.

    My body battery was up to a 75 this morning after a sleep score of 83. Neither of those is bad, but I wish I could consistently do better. I might have to research how to do that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1054

    By all rights my weight should have been up this morning, and not down .6 lb. From yesterday morning. But for a very late delivery guy I would have gained two pounds. I was weak, and when Ryan ordered the pizza, I was really looking forward to having a slice… or two. Fortunately, ninety minutes after he ordered them, they had not yet arrived, and I decided to take my leave. I enjoyed a protein bar in the car, and an omelette when I got home. Yes, I ate some peanuts and even a little popcorn throughout the day, and that was bad. Pizza would have been a disaster. 

    Following my dinner, I got onto the treadmill and jogged 5km. It was the third day in a row that I jogged, and the second that I completed 5km. I am quite happy with that and will try to continue to do that. My next goal is to start increasing the speed and distance… although not necessarily at the same time. I did kick up the pace for the last .2km, but that is not the same. I want to increase my maintained speed, rather than just ‘sprinting’ the last few metres. It will not be a quick increase, but if I do it gradually over time then I will be happy with my results. At my current pace of 4mph I would need over 6.5 hours to run a marathon. By increasing my pace to 5mph that would drop to 5.24 hours. I would still not qualify for the Boston Marathon, but I would be thrilled with myself if I could do that. 

    I am teaching today until 4:30pm, and then I have to go to the supermarket to pick up eggs, milk, and one or two other provisions. I will try to be good and not buy any cheats. At 7:00pm I am visiting a lodge in Burlington with a friend. I have never been to this lodge, but it is much closer to me than my own. By all rights that is where I probably should have joined, but I had my friends at my lodge and here we are. It should be a fun evening. I just have to remember to not eat! 

    My current steps-goal streak is nine days. I am not sure when I will be able to get onto the treadmill, but I will do my best to do so either before or after my lodge visit. I would love to extend the streak to ten days. Actually, according to my fitness watch my longest streak is sixteen days, and I would love to be able to beat that… but I am going to do it one day at a time, which means for today extending my current streak to ten days… and then tomorrow will be tomorrow’s problem. 

    I spoke with a buddy yesterday and we decided that later this week (probably Friday) we are going to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY for the day. We both have a few parcels to ship, and as Canada Post is on strike, there is no inexpensive way to ship anything to the USA. Maybe we will make a day of it (and not just run across and back like our last trip), but if we do then I had better plan ahead. To that end, I now have three protein bars in the armrest of my car so that if I do get hungry, I do not have to settle for foods that are incompatible with my weight loss goals. 

    I started this entry at 8:15am. It is now 12:30pm and we broke for lunch. It has been a pretty easy morning – I am teaching a very high-level overview of a technology that I know, and we will not be getting deep into anything. I just finished my afternoon meal replacement shake and so far, I am feeling satisfied. I hope that continues for the next few hours. If I could get through to the end of class before needing another meal replacement, and then when I get home from the Burlington lodge, I can hit the treadmill for 5km and then have my final mean replacement, then I will have succeeded 100% in my goals for the day… which is to say that I will not have cheated, and I will have had the necessary nutrition, and I will meet my steps/exercise goal. That is the plan. 

    We know, of course, that the best laid plans of mice and men do not always work out… but I am going to try. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 1040

    I was a bit surprised to see that my weight was up slightly this morning, but not terribly so. Today I will be eating the last of the chicken that I have in the house, and starting tomorrow I will be eating breakfast and then only meal replacements for the rest of the day. If my knee holds out I will also start walking. In fact, It looks to be a pretty nice day out today (albeit chilly), so I may go for a walk after my appointment.

    I do not know if this is the time that I will start and get all the way to my goal weight, but I am going to try. To that end, I printed a new fridge chart to encourage me. I have to do more than print papers though; I need to redouble my efforts and make it happen. I have to stop eating but more than that I need to stop cheating. I need to change my attitude toward food, and I need to once and for all break the unhealthy relationship that I have with food.

    While I am planning to walk outside today (with high temperatures of 7°C (41°F), I just went into my bedroom and cleaned everything off the treadmill. If it is my intention to use it this winter to keep active, then I have to as of right now stop using it to hang clothes. Yes, that stereotype is real… except in my case it will be temporary.

    Yes, I went to the supermarket yesterday. Knowing that I have a meal or two left, I purchased vegetables so that I can have a salad with them. I also bought a handful of trail mix which I should not have done… but I also thought about buying breakfast cereal and stopped myself. A smaller transgression is better than a larger one.

    I finally got a good night’s sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed, and while my body battery was low from the time I woke up, the 80 on my sleep score was a relief to see. I will try to sleep well again tonight and am hoping that if I do exercise then it will contribute to that.

    When I picked up my prescription meds yesterday, I also took the opportunity to get my Covid-19 and Flu vaccines. I have still had no ill effects and hope this proactive measure will help to keep me healthy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1013

    I told Leslie last night that I was happy with both my eating and my activity of the day yesterday, and that I was hoping to see a significant drop on the bathroom scale this morning. I expected to lose at least a full pound from yesterday. When I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning I was shocked… and disbelieving. I was hoping to drop below 302. When I stepped off the scale I allowed it to clear and stepped on again. I could not believe that I had dropped over six pounds. While I am excited to see my weight drop (significantly) below the 300 pounds mark, I am skeptical that the drop is more than a blip. Do not misunderstand me… I am thrilled and grateful, but I am not expecting to even maintain that level tomorrow and Thursday. We will see.

    With all of that said, yesterday was a good day for my program. Breakfast was my usual omelette. I went to the supermarket in the morning to pick up food for dinner, and decided to also pick up a couple of salads for Leslie and I to enjoy for lunch. For dinner I prepared seared tuna steaks with white rice. After lunch I went for a 6.5km walk which made me feel great, although it also reminded me of the importance of throwing out socks when they have holes in the heels. Not only did that slow my overall pace a little, but I also came home with blisters on my heel. For that reason, as well as because of what my schedule looks like today, I am taking the day off from walking. With that said, yesterday I decided to power-walk at least 24km over the rest of my stay in Dallas, and I knocked out more than 25% of that goal yesterday.

    When I returned home, I felt my tummy talking to me, but not of hunger. I knew that I had not been moving my bowels very well the last few days and I thought I was probably a little backed up. I tried to move them before I showered but had very little to show for the attempt. When I was all clean, I decided to lie down for a nap. Five minutes into the nap I felt the urge and was finally able to void my system. I felt somewhat better, but not completely. Thirty minutes later I found myself running back to the loo and repeated my previous success. I was finally feeling better. I know you are asking so the answer is yes, those combined successes certainly contributed to this morning’s weight loss. I do not know if it really accounts for a 6+ pound drop, but it certainly helped.

    With all of that, my sleep score last night dropped to 72, which is the lowest in three or four days. I woke up reasonably well rested, but I know I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night. Hopefully it will be better tonight.

    In my entry yesterday I enumerated four points that I need to follow in order to resume my successful weight loss. One of those points was to not eat food that is bad for my weight loss. Leslie had asked me if I know that I should not be eating something then why do I have it in the house? She is right. I need to stop buying food I know will be detrimental to my weight loss goals. As an example, a few weeks ago I bought a box of breakfast cereal. I know that breakfast cereal is, as a category, all terrible for weight loss. With that said, I like it, and it is not difficult to convince myself that if I buy it then I will eat it in moderation, and that it will not have a terrible effect on my body. The flaw in that logic is that I am still terrible at the moderation part, and so seldom will a box of breakfast cereal brought into my kitchen last three days. Leslie is so right about this… I have to stop buying it. So many people do not understand why I am doing my grocery shopping three or four times per week. It is because I know that if I have more in my kitchen I will be tempted to eat more. I need to work on this, but until I have mastered it I have to:

    1. Continue doing my grocery shopping several times per week; and
    2. Not allow myself to purchase anything that I can easily overeat.

    I have written in this journal times that losing weight is simple, but it is not easy. As a cybersecurity guy I continue to tell my students that we can implement every security tool available, but the weak link of the chain is always the human factor. Likewise, my weak link is my willpower which is something that I really have to continue to work on. It will come.

    In the meantime, I am hoping to fit into at least a couple of my tailored sports coats next week, and I will continue to powerwalk… either outside or, if the weather is not cooperative, on my treadmill.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1012

    I will start with the here and now… my usual daily update. As I said that I would, I did go out for a long walk yesterday. I power-walked 8.4km in the 28° sun, even though my initial plan had been to do 6-7km. I do not follow a route I had taken before, and when I crossed over the highway to start heading back I realized that there was no service road – let alone a sidewalk of any kind – on the other side of the highway. I had to go through residential streets that were unfamiliar to me, and somewhat winding. I would also have to contend with finding a level crossing of the railroad tracks, not to mention an underpass that would get be back onto the friendly side of the aforementioned highway. I was proud of my accomplishment though, even though I did need to stop to rest for a minute once along the way.

    It was that accomplishment that I felt gave me leave to enjoy the movie theatre popcorn that I shared with my wife. In the future though I think we should share the medium size and not the large. Had I thought of this at the time I suspect my weight would have been down more than it was – a mere .2 lb. from yesterday morning. At least I did register one food-related accomplishment… we went for peri-peri chicken for dinner, and for the first time in I don’t know how long I ordered the quarter breast meal instead of the half chicken. I need to start eating less… even when the foods are healthy, I need to control my portions.

    As we sat on the patio smoking and talking last night Leslie did something extremely meaningful and helpful. She asked me what my plans for succeeding on this weight loss journey were. I told her, and it led to a good conversation.

    1. Yes, I need to eat less. I have to control my portions. There is no question that this is going to be important.
    2. I need to stop buying any foods that are bad for me. She pointed out that when she reads in these pages that I ate a mango, for example, the mango is full of sugar and however otherwise healthy it may be, the high sugar content is bad for weight loss.
    3. She asked what my plans for activity are, citing that in the winter months I can get lazy. I told her that when I get back to Canada, I am clearing everything off my treadmill and will be using it regularly throughout the winter months. I acknowledged that while I do walk HRF Princess Sophie twice daily for nearly 4km total, that is all at her pace, and is not really exercise. I will me making sure to use the treadmill and it is easy because I can just put something to watch on the TV and go for an hour. On days that I am teaching I need to do it in the evening, and when I am not teaching I can do it during the day… but I need to do it.
    4. I need to be accountable to myself. When I have a bad food day, I need to enumerate in these pages not just ‘I had a bad day’ but rather how… and why. If I am to ask her to hold me accountable then the only way she knows when I am going off is from my journal, and if I write out ‘I was bad today… this is the list of what I ate’ then not only does it help her to help me, but it will help me to help myself.

    In addition to all of this, I need to write when I have a massive failure. Over the past few weeks, I have been wearing my dress pants when I need to wear long pants because they are the only ones that fit me. I ordered two pair of slacks from Amazon that arrived Monday… and they were a size 40. FORTY! It was such a huge accomplishment when I was able to fit comfortably into a size 36 in some fits, and now I am back into a size 40. I am disgusted with myself over this, and need to reverse that. I need to get back into the smaller sizes again. I recognize that it will take time, but I need to do it.

    (I also needed to order a new belt Monday morning when I was securing the one that I had brought with me, and it broke. This was more because when I wear looser pants (such as my dress pants) I need to pull it tighter to hold them up, and I have more belly pushing back against it. I had known for a few weeks that it was on its last legs, and it was folly of me to not bring another one with me. Oops!)

    The Size 40 is bad… but the fact that my suits are tight, and that I can only wear one of my sports jackets is worse. How I have not discussed in these pages that so many of my nice clothes (which I was so happy to call a non-scale victory at the time) no longer fit because they are too tight… I was just so embarrassed by my failure. I am ashamed to be where I am.

    I have never been one of those people who needs to put a positive spin on everything. I do not need anyone blowing smoke up my rear. When I screw up, I need to acknowledge that I screwed up. That is what will encourage me to un-screw whatever was screwed. That is why I am writing all of this. I need to get out of the Size 40 and into the custom-tailored clothes that I was so proud of. I need to be wearing my pants around my belly button and not around my hips with my belly hanging over them. I need to know that if I put on a shirt that does not fit, it is because it is too big, and not too tight.

    If this new attempt works, then I have Leslie’s pointing it out to thank for it. I will do the work, but I am so happy that she is not coddling me about it. That is what people who love you need to do some times.

    For the record, if you are a friend who is also a reader and you think this gives you leave to start talking to me about my needing to lose weight, let me stop you there. I am happy to take it from my wife. That’s where it ends.

    As for this being where it begins, I am going to try to record another 24km of walking between now and the time I return to Canada. That is four walks of 6km each… or three walks of 8km each.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 990

    It was definitely an exhausting week. I am glad that these last couple of nights I have been able to sleep well. After sleep scores of 24 Monday, 69 Tuesday, 50 Wednesday, 21 on Friday, and not getting enough sleep Thursday to even register as sleep… Saturday morning my score was 83 and this morning it was 86. I finally caught up on my rest! My body battery was up as high as 74 this morning, which is certainly the highest it has been (by over 25 points) all week. Of course, knowing that I am waking up at 4:00am tomorrow to fly off to Maine I am sure it will be lousy again, but what can you do?

    From a terrible high Thursday of 302.2 lbs. both Saturday and Thursday, I am relieved that my weight dropped below that dreaded mark yesterday (299.6) and further down this morning to 299.0 lbs. even. I still feel disgustingly fat, but I have to stay below 300!

    I had a decent breakfast and lunch today and am planning on having a reasonable dinner this evening… and will be in bed earlier than usual so that I can get a decent night sleep before driving to the airport in the morning. Yes, I will be away for a short enough period that it will be cheaper for me to park at the airport than it would be to take an Uber. If I shower and shave (and pack) this evening, then if I am in bed by 10pm I will get six hours of sleep. Unfortunately (for the company but fortunate for my tight schedule) HRF Princess Sophie said goodbye when she gladly hopped into my buddy Rob’s car this afternoon, so I will sleep alone, but will not have to walk her this evening. I will miss her but it’s a short trip.

    It is time for dinner so I should get to it so that I won’t eat too close to bed time. Have a great evening folks!