Losing a part of me

Category: Sleep

  • Day 661

    My life is no better today than it was yesterday. It is still a complete and total disaster from which I see no way out and no way forward. Still, I have to go forward. Aside from the fact that my religion forbids any form of self-harm, there are people who love me and care for me. I have to remember that. There are people who know that I would never hurt the people that I love, and that I would in fact go to the furthest extremes to protect them. So I move forward, and I try to continue to do my best to not give up the progress that I have made through nearly two years of hard work… even as I see that I am losing those which are most dear to me.

    One of the ways I encourage myself to keep going is with numbers. I have been trying to weight for six hundred and sixty-one days, and when I need the push, I look at the numbers. I am in the worst place I have been emotionally in many years, and so I decided to turn to my numbers for at least some encouragement.

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    This graph represents my weight every day since September 30 (excepting the 26-29 of October, and November 5). The yellow line represents my lowest weight ever – 238.6 lbs. on October 18. The red line is my highest weight in the forty-three-day period that I selected (249.4 lbs., this past Wednesday). The green line represents my weight today (243.4 lbs.). The vertical black line is the day my world fell apart. I had a bad slip for a few days… what with the pizza dinner splurge Friday night, my life crashing down on me destroying everything on Saturday, and then the travel day on Sunday. With all of that, knowing even that I had gained a full eleven pounds from my best weight by Wednesday, but have been able to reign that back in and get back on track. This morning my weight is less than half a pound up from that terrible day… even though every day since has been even worse. I am now less than 5 lbs. from getting back to my best weight ever.

    I am still not sleeping well. Admittedly, I did do a little better last night than any of the previous seven, but that is probably owing to the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion finally catching up to me. According to my fitness watch, my sleep score was only a 49/100. My body battery was an abysmal 31/100 when I woke up, and at 11:15am it is down to a 26. There were a number of times that Leslie offered to give me a few of the pills she has to help her sleep, but I refused. I know I was right to, but I am still kicking myself that I do not have anything in the house (aside from copious amounts of scotch) that would help me to rest.

    It was good to see my friends yesterday. They are the first to know what is going on and how I feel. I do not know if or when I am going to start talking about it… but it is not today. Today will be spent trying to help a friend with his computer that seems to have died so I will go over and try to salvage everything he has lost. In the evening I am tutoring one of my students who needs extra help, and who seems to have started my class behind the eight ball because her instructor for the previous class (which is a pre-requisite for this class) seems to have taught way too fast and using way too much jargon for anyone, but especially for a non-native English speaker to understand. I promised I would help, and I will help. Hopefully in doing so I will be able to keep my mind off the fact that I really have no interest in living anymore.

    One day at a time.

  • Day 640

    I have no idea how it happened. I checked to make sure my alarm was set for 3:00am. I even set a secondary alarm for 3:05am. I had trouble falling asleep and do not think I nodded off until nearly midnight, so it was unlikely that I would wake up refreshed… but I would wake up because of the two very loud alarms that I set.

    Neither alarm went off.

    I looked at my watch to make sure I still had some time before I had to get up… it was 4:28am. I scrambled like I have not scrambled since I was in the Army. Before I even put my feet on the floor I ordered a new Uber (I missed the one that was supposed to get me to the airport in plenty of time… an hour before I woke up). By some miracle there was a car four minutes away. I brushed my teeth as I peed, weighed myself, got dressed in a very big hurry, and was out the door precisely 5 minutes after I woke up.

    Not to keep you in suspense, I made my flight. Despite getting to the airport over an hour after I had planned to, I was able to check my bags, get through Airport Security, get through US Border Control (with the usual secondary inspection) with plenty of time to spare. I even had time to make myself a coffee in the American Airlines lounge. As I type this I am comfortably seated on the airplane, and we are getting ready to push back from the gate.

    Yesterday went about as planned. I did cheat a little bit, but not too bad. I forgot to take a meal replacement with me when I left the apartment to pick Lyle up for the drive to Cambridge. Knowing I did not want to be tempted by the usual goodies at Ryan’s place, I decided to stop and pick up some peanuts. I also had a few (six) cheese puffs at Ryan’s, which has precisely zero redeeming features. I did not even enjoy them. Hopefully I will remember that the next time I am tempted.

    Dinner was a very lovely steak. Lyle (a master chef) prepared a potato salad which he brought with us, and Ryan prepared a tomato and onion mix. I would have eschewed the potato salad if it had been prepared by anyone else, but I could not resist. I did not overindulge, but I did have a helping of it.

    My weight this morning was exactly what it was yesterday. That comes as no surprise to me – the combination of the cheats and the fact that I do not usually weigh myself at 4:31am made me suspect I would lose ground. While I was originally hoping to fly to Dallas under the 240 lbs. mark, I will have to settle for (and try to be happy with) staying under 242.

    As we fly somewhere over the Great Lakes I see the flight attendant preparing to being my kosher breakfast so I’ll close here and wish you all have a great day!

  • Day 635

    In the late summer of 2020 I optimistically bought several pair of pants in a Size 36. They did not fit me yet, but within a month of two they would. I was making great progress and I had no doubt that they would fit me soon. I do not remember how much I spent on them but the thought that they would fit me soon made me feel amazing. I had no idea that I was about to fall off a cliff from which I would never recover… at least, not until I had hit rock bottom again.

    In the early days of my weight loss journey I separated all of my clothes that did not fit into bins that were labeled by size. As I have lost weight, I have gradually gone from six bins down to one. This morning I decided to pull that last bin out of the closet to see where I was at.

    There were several pair of pants in the bin, and of course they would not all fit the same. Trying on the first pair there was no hope for them – my gut cannot be sucked in nearly enough to close the gap needed. Those would have to wait a while longer. I knew that the Levi’s jeans – there are three pair of them – will not fit yet. I did not even pull them out. I then tried on the last two pair – one Dockers and one Timberland – and… they fit! For the first time in memory I am wearing Size 36 pants… and yes, I am wearing them comfortably.

    If you remember back a month or so ago I wrote that I would no longer be wearing my pants under my belly, but around my waist as they are intended. I am certain that every pair of pants and jeans in that bin would fit just fine under my belly, but that is not how I will be wearing my pants going forward. I put those pair that did not fit back into the bin and will revisit them in a few weeks. For now, I am thrilled with this non-scale victory!

    After a 12.75km walk yesterday (which included a kilometre jogging at 5.56 min/km) I was hoping that my weight would drop more than a pound this morning. Hoping… but not expecting. I know, when I have bad cheat days it can take a few extra days to get back to where I was. I gained nearly three pounds overnight; it will take a few days to lose them again. The best I can do is to make sure that I stay on track the next few days so that I will lose them before I fly to Dallas in five days.

    I had trouble falling asleep last night, but there was no good reason for it. I got into bed and I closed my eyes… an hour later I realized that I was still lying there contemplating the universe. I suspect I had a cup of coffee later in the afternoon (or early evening) than I usually would, and I paid for it with my wakefulness. Lesson learned: no late-night coffee! This is not a new lesson of course, but no matter how much I dislike wasting things… when I realize at 5:30pm that there is coffee left in the decanter I would do well to throw it out rather than throwing it into a cup to heat up in the microwave.

    I do not have much to report today. I will stay on track! I will see how my legs are feeling before I embark upon another mammoth walk, but if I do not then at least I can walk to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. I have a lot of prep work to do for my class next week, so that should keep me busy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 628

    I was not perfect yesterday on my program by any means. In addition to my morning omelette I had another omelette and a turkey drumstick throughout the day. I also had a bag of chips. Yes, I fell that hard after my class last night. I was just not thinking right. The story:

    Realizing that I had finished the eggs I had in the fridge, at the end of my evening class I looked online to see if any of the supermarkets around might be open until 10:00pm. I knew that three of them closed at 9:00pm, but I decided to take a peek. It turns out that the website for one of them (Longo’s lists them as open until 10:00pm, so after taking Her Royal Floofness for her walk I got into the car to drive up there. The parking lot was empty and the sign on the door let me know that the website (or whatever site I checked) was wrong. 9:00pm closing. Okay, all was not lost. I was only a quick 2km drive to Walmart, so I headed out there. I was nearly at the store when it dawned on me… it’s Thanksgiving Day, and none of the stores will be open. Damn. On the way home I realized that one of the small convenience stores might sell what I was looking for. For maybe the second time since I moved into the apartment (over two years ago) I stepped into one of the smaller mom and pop stores in the neighbourhood. The other time or times I have gone in would have been during a walk/jog when I needed either water or Gatorade. They had eggs… and a bag of chips which I did not need. At least I only bought the one smaller bag, and not the two bags that I indulged in twice over the weekend.

    Despite the chips my weight was way down this morning. From Saturday morning to yesterday my weight jumped a disgusting seven pounds. As I mentioned yesterday, I ate badly and made poor choices… but even with that I knew that a lot of the weight was from salty foods and would fall right off after a day. Sure enough it was down 4.2 lbs. from yesterday. On the one hand, I am 2.6 lbs. up from Saturday morning. On the other hand, that is nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. I will do my best to stay on track today, and maybe even go out for some exercise in the evening.

    I slept absolutely terribly last night. It was past 1:30am when I realized there was little chance of it happening, and so I went to my computer to do a little bit of work. I mostly did some administrative work on a computer that is usually off (and so had not checked in with my mobile device management solution since July) which needed a check-in, as well as some patch management.

    The warm weather is behind us and if I do plan to go for a walk this evening, I know that I will be wearing long pants as well as a long sleeve shirt. I have what I need, I just long for the warmer weather. I will be in Texas with my wife in a week and a half and will enjoy the warmer weather there. Oh, and I ordered three new golf shirts which should arrive there in time for me to wear. They are a Size Large! I am hoping that they fit immediately… I cannot remember the last time I bought a Size Large in anything.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 620

    It couldn’t be. Could it? I stepped off the bathroom scale last night before bed and saw a number that was lower than it had been when I weighed myself in the morning. Even taking into account numerous factors such as another great walk/jog, eating peanuts but using them to replace two meal replacements, and a very substantial bowel movement (my first in a few days) it was still unlikely that I would have two huge weight loss days in a row. It made me a little excited to wake up to see what I would weigh after a good night sleep!

    The good night sleep was not to happen. I tossed and turned for hours before finally getting a few fitful hours of shuteye. I had too much on my mind and all that came together to fend off Mr. Sandman most of the night. When my alarm sounded I pressed the snooze button hopefully… but getting back to sleep was unlikely.

    Before I took Her Floofness out for her walk I stepped onto that bathroom scale which is so often finicky and cruel, but these last few days has been generous and kind. I was thrilled to see another two-pound day-over-day drop… my second in as many days! Unlike yesterday I did not wait to return from walking The Princess to walk over to the fridge so that I could cross off another number (also my second time in as many days). Another day in Best Weight Everland feels just right for me!

    I have a recollection from when I lived on the kibbutz (before I was conscripted) that I stepped onto the scale and weighed precisely 100kg. I am sure I stepped onto scales for the Army and all that, but I have no recollection of any other weigh-in while living in Israel. It was just that number that stuck in my mind. A few months ago I remember writing that in 2005 my weight had dropped to 255 lbs. which converts to 115.6 lbs. This morning, for the first time in my adult life, my weight dropped below 110kg. I still have a long way to go before I drop to that pre-Army weight, but I am on the right track. I have not lost quite 70kg yet… but I am right there! 69.66kg does not have the same ring as 153 lbs., but it is a huge number and one that I am proud of. Now let’s see if I can beat that tomorrow or Wednesday, okay?

    There is more to celebrate today… or at least to recognize:

    • My BMI has dropped below 31. According to the calculators when I lose another 8 lbs. I will no longer be classified as obese.
    • I have crossed the 99% threshold in the MapMyFitness.com challenge for 2023… assuming I go for a walk/jog today, and assuming that outing surpasses 7.7km, I will officially earn a The Finish Line badge for hitting 1,023km in 2023. As of 10:55am this morning there are 18,951 participants who have accomplished that. I am currently sitting at 19,227th place. Assuming I am not going to be the only participant who is on the cusp of it who will surpass that threshold today I do not know how much higher I will climb… but I’m going to do it today!

    Speaking of things I need to do today: I am going for a haircut shortly, following same I will come home and do some prep-work for tomorrow’s class. I am teaching this evening, but it is not a class that I have to prepare for as I have taught it many times, and it is with the same group I have been teaching since July. After a couple of hours of prep I will go for my walk/jog, which may well be the only one I do until the weekend (I am teaching tomorrow through Friday).

    I should get going though because I have to stop at a bank to get cash to pay the barber, or else I will have to look sheepish and walk to the bank after the haircut. No thank you, it is easier to just be prepared.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 574

    It’s not fair. Yes, I cheated yesterday. I had a few peanuts, as well as replacing my afternoon meal replacement with another omelette. My body’s punishment to me was nearly a full pound weight gain. That is not only excessive, but it is also cruel and unusual. There is no reason I should have gained that much weight for an omelette.

    My buddy came over yesterday for a cigar and we had a nice time. It is always great to see good friends. I wish I was not so tired though… I had not been sleeping well the previous nights, and I felt I might fall asleep as we were smoking. Fortunately I got a decent night’s sleep last night and should be able to make it through today unscathed.

    My plans for today are simple. I have a lot of studying to do, and while the forecast calls for wind, there should be no precipitation until 9:00pm. As such, I will be doing my studying on the balcony with a cigar in my hand. Hopefully I will be able to spend some of that time chatting with my wife, but other than that I will be focusing on cloud security. Fun. I will stay on track, and I will not be preparing a second omelette today. I know now how dangerous that can be.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 533

    Had I been able to move my bowels this morning I would have dropped a few ounces. As it stands I weighed (after a completely inadequate night’s sleep) exactly what I weighed yesterday. That is not the worst thing in the world, considering I cheated again yesterday,

    I am truly exhausted today. I did not get home too late, but it was late enough… and then I tossed and turned for hours. I suppose I had a few things on my mind that were distracting me, but I’ll get over it. Today I will take it easy. I have a couple of friends who want to take me out tonight, and that is a tentative thing. I know I have the barbecue in Cambridge tomorrow and if I do not sleep well then tomorrow will not go well for me.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 531

    It’s a beautiful morning and Southern Ontario is in the middle of the most dangerous heatwave in memory. At least, that’s the undertones of the message from a couple of people Her Floofness and I met while out for our walk this morning. We happen to love the heat and the sun and have no complaints whatsoever about either. We also know that at some point (hopefully soon) we will be moving to Texas where it will be much hotter and much sunnier much more often. In truth it is going up to 30° Celsius by noon, which is hot, but it is not, to quote the movie Biloxi Blues, Africa Hot.

    Yesterday went mostly as planned. I spent a few hours helping my rabbi with his computer (which took a bit longer than I had expected but worked out alright in the end). Following that I went shopping (and spent more than I usually do, owing to purchasing some sauces and flavourings that I only need to buy occasionally) and came home to prepare a lovely dinner of teriyaki glazed salmon with a side of sweet potato fries (yes, I bought more). I had been thinking about trying a teriyaki glaze for weeks but every time I thought of it I realized I do not have the sauce. I finally bought it yesterday and the result was quite enjoyable.

    As I so often do, I stepped onto the scale last night to try to get a sense of what my weight this morning would be. I was shocked to be up a full five pounds during the day, and felt it was unlikely that I would drop all of that weight overnight. I should trust the process; when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning I had dropped ever-so-slightly from yesterday morning. It may not be a lot, but one pound lost is three pounds of progress, right?

    I slept marginally better last night than the previous nights; it was the first night in a few that I had to get out of bed multiple times to pee, which is really the only thing that stopped me sleeping through the night. Well, that and Princess Sophie deciding at 5am that she needed to get into bed with me. She knows that she has to go to sleep in her own doggie bed and she is quite good about that, but there are nights (occasional ones fortunately) where she wakes up and cannot calm down unless I bring her into my bed. Once I picked her up (on my second trip to the loo) she and I both slept like a baby the rest of the night. It was a great relief! I was exhausted yesterday afternoon and evening, even though I could not fall asleep.

    My plan for today is to relax, smoke a couple of cigars while reading on the balcony, and minding my limits of what I eat. I am teaching from 6-9pm so I will have lunch early and then dinner early and will then spend the evening in front of the computer. I do not mind working – frankly, I really do enjoy teaching. What bothers me though is that I have three weeks of review classes, and my students are not asking too many questions. That means that I can either assign labs only, or we can do practice exams together. I finally got them to give me a list of topics that they want me to cover, and I will start on those this evening. I was going to start Monday, but with half the class absent (this class does not normally meet on Mondays, and it was moved because of the holiday yesterday) I decided to give them lab work, as well as a demonstration of something on my personal router. Tonight I will actually do a bit of lecturing, a bit of practice exams, and then I will give them a lab to do.

    Because the class I had to teach was switched to Monday I was not able to attend my sommelier class; I am hoping that I will be able to catch up if someone shares the link to where it was saved with me. If not, then I will be smoking and reading something else on the balcony today. There will be a few more classes that I might need to miss, owing to the new class I start teaching next week. Oh, that reminds me that I have an orientation meeting for that at 1:00pm today, so I suppose I should get moving to prepare my lunch. I want to be done with everything cleaned up in time to join.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 530

    With this morning’s drop I am down nearly (but not quite) five pounds since Saturday. That means that I can continue to eat the way I have been eating and I will expect to continue to lose weight. I have been having an omelette for breakfast (and a yoghurt along with it), a protein for lunch (with a side salad and sometimes with a side of frozen fries), and a protein with dinner (with either a salad or rice). I have included a couple of fruit in there for snacks (which reminds me that I need to go to the supermarket to get more fruit). I will ride this one until it stops working!

    Someone in one of my support groups on Facebook asked why I recommended she not tell people that she is on the program. I told her there are a couple of reasons. First and foremost is that everybody thinks they are an authority. They tell us firstly how unhealthy the program is, and how it is not the right way to lose weight. This they say about a program that is prescribed by a doctor and is done under medical supervision by weight loss experts. They will then go off and give you (seldom asking if you would like their advice) every advice about how they think you should lose weight. Next, they will keep their eye on you forever, and if three years from Tuesday you take an extra bagel at the company breakfast, they will be there to call you on it. It is easier to not tell anybody but your closest confidants. That will often require us to lie about why we are not ordering food or why we are not joining a social outing at a restaurant or so on; it is a small price to pay. Remember that it is none of anybody’s business.

    I did not sleep great last night, but I also did not sleep terribly. I changed my bed sheets over the weekend, but I think I have to remember to pull the bottom sheet tight every morning rather than just straightening the top sheet and duvet and claiming I made the bed. I know that is one of the factors that prevents me from sleeping well… although definitely not the only one. I know that the day that I changed the linens I still did not sleep all that well. I truly think the number one factor in my sleep issues is when I am not sleeping next to my wife. That will be resolved in eleven days.

    My plans for today: I have to stay on track, so I am going to prepare my chicken for lunch. I do not have any frozen potatoes so I will stick to the salad. In the afternoon I will run to the supermarket to pick up fruit and a few more items that I am running low on. I realized I have no more fish in the house so I will likely pick up a nice piece of salmon for dinner. I also suspect I am completely out of rice, so I will buy a bag while I am there.

    As today is The Fourth of July I will not be teaching this evening, so I might go out to see friends later on. It will not be a stressful day, although I do have an appointment to help my rabbi with some technical issues around 1pm. I guess I should start making lunch now so as to be done in time for that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 511

    The long days are definitely taking a toll on my weight, inasmuch as I am forced to dine after 9:00pm. Last night’s spaghetti was quite tasty, but it was also heavy. Fortunately today is the last day that I am working 9-9. Tomorrow I will finish my class and Leslie and I will get in the car for our romantic getaway to Niagara.

    I accomplished what I planned to this morning. I picked up my dry cleaning and my prescriptions, as well as a couple of odds and ends at the supermarket. I was quite tempted to pick up a small little nibble to supplement my breakfast, but in the end, I decided that it would be a bad idea. My choices were to either buy something very small (which I did not come across), or to buy something large (which would have been left over and thus Leslie would have seen my cheat), or to buy something very unhealthy. At the druggist I saw individual-sized bags of potato chips, and wisely decided not to indulge. I came home and am now working on my second cup of coffee.

    I discussed with Leslie a possible solution for the late-night eating. I will make a pizza for us for dinner (we still have the second cauliflower crust that we picked up at Costco), which I can eat quickly while my students are doing their labs. That way we can eat at a reasonable hour.

    I could hardly believe how exhausted I was last night. It is not often that I fall asleep that quickly, but I did… Leslie could see it as soon as we sat down to dinner. I tried to fight it. I thought about suggesting we sit out on the balcony with a cigar, but I would not have gotten through half of a small stick. We were in bed at a very reasonable hour (which is rare for me) and I was probably asleep before 10:30pm. I woke up mostly refreshed, and hope that I will be able to navigate this last long day better than I did yesterday.

    It is time to get moving. Have a great day folks!