Losing a part of me

Category: Sleep

  • Day 751

    I am having a good day so far… after a wonderful but very late night last night. No details; I was out and had a nice time. Unfortunately, that gave me precious little sleep. I was relieved that of the 3.2 lbs. that I gained yesterday morning, I dropped 2.8 lbs. this morning… putting me once again below that terrible 270 lbs. mark that I was so angry with myself for exceeding… even if it was only for a day.

    I am packed for my trip… although when I am back from dinner with my son, I will pack my carry-on bag. I tried to check in this morning, but apparently you cannot check in online for flights to Cuba that go through the USA. Okay, I will have to check in at the airport. No big deal.

    I had a late breakfast this morning, followed by lunch with my friends and godchildren. I ordered the salmon power bowl, which was probably a bit high in calories, but healthy. I am soon taking my son the younger for dinner, and wherever we go I will make sure to eat smart.

    Almost as soon as I am home from dinner I will be going to bed. Aside from the fact that I only slept about four hours last night, I am setting my alarm for 2:00am so that I can get to the airport for a very early flight. Once I am through the US Immigrations checkpoint, I will officially be on vacation. Yay!

    I’ll see you all tomorrow… either from the airport, from Miami International Airport, or from Havana!

  • Day 748

    I was disappointed this morning to see that I not only gained weight again but gained a substantial amount of it. I did not eat badly yesterday, and I jogged nearly thirty minutes. The things I can point to from yesterday that were not on my program were a roll for breakfast, an apple in the evening, a dark chocolate wafer that my master (Taekwondo before you ask) brought and insisted I try, and the eggrolls that I had with my dinner. I am going to cut the eggrolls down today and skip the apple and chocolate. I already ate my roll with breakfast.

    I am counting down the days until I get onto the airplane. If there are no delays, then I will be landing in Havana in three days and twenty-two hours. I do not want to think about what issues I might have but I am hoping for clear sailing from beginning to end. Here’s hoping!

    My sleep score last night was an amazing 85. According to my fitness watch I slept 7h 25m, and got plenty of deep sleep. I suspect that something was a little off on that, as I woke up around 7:30am, and I thought I was in bed much earlier than midnight. Oh well… even if I did go to sleep that late, I am not used to getting that much good sleep. It was the third night in a week in which my score was above 80, and with the exception of Friday night (which was a terrible night, although I cannot remember why) it has been 77 or higher every night. I am glad to be sleeping better… now if I can just stop eating and gaining weight!

    I have no plans to overeat today… although I suppose I seldom do. My goal is to stick to my program and drop a couple of these pesky pounds before I get onto the airplane. I could hardly believe when I saw the numbers on the bathroom scale this morning… I weigh nearly 270 lbs. again! I have to get off this rollercoaster and start dropping some of that. I do not want to do anything too extreme, but I also do not want my weight to creep above that terrible mark again.

    I ran less than I had planned to yesterday, but at a slightly faster pace. When I first started the treadmill – within the first fifteen seconds – I realized there was a sharp pain in my ankle. It was not an injury, but if I pushed myself, it could easily become one. I stopped the treadmill, spent a few minutes stretching it, and then started up again. I have been setting the pace to 4 mph (at a 3% incline). Within the first minute of my run, I pushed that up to 4.2 mph. I pulled up at 2 miles (I have been doing 3 miles) because I was worried about my ankle. I re-calibrated my fitness watch (which was nowhere near accurate) and called it a day. I will try to get a couple of miles in again today but will now be paying attention to both my knees and my ankle. Sigh. Getting old is not fun, but as my parents used to say… it beats the alternative.

    I am slowly trying to get back to my happy self, but that is going to take some time. I have a new normal to get used to which is harder than I thought… and I never thought I would be here. I am seeing my doctor this afternoon, and I am going to ask about increasing my dosage of the antidepressants (which she said was likely going to happen after a month or so, which is about right on track). I hate being chemically dependent… but that is not the worst of my life right now, so I will live with it.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 739

    My weight was the same this morning as it was yesterday morning. This was likely owing to a combination of two factors:

    1) The friend whose house I was at yesterday made an amazing beef sandwich on fresh Italian bread; and

    2) Princess Sophie got me up before I really wanted to get up because she was frantically asking to go outside. When a doggie tells you it is important, you should listen. I did not really feel the need to move my bowels (although I likely would have been able to) so I cut that corner in the rush to take her outside… thus weighing myself without doing so.

    I hardly slept at all last night. Aside from the sandwich, my buddy also made us an espresso. This was just an all-around bad idea at 7:00pm, but I was thinking more about the football game we were watching. I will try to not make that mistake again. The consequence of that is that I am working on about four hours of sleep… after two great nights, last night was the pits. Oh well. Tonight will be better.

    I took Her Floofness to the doctor today, and she was such a good girl (as she always is). When I brought her home she insisted on going to the neighbour’s apartment… even though after her vaccinations she will likely be asleep all afternoon. I wish I was! I had to go shopping, and then came home to make lunch. I have a lot of work to do, and I am going to shower and then sit on the balcony reading (to prepare for my upcoming classes.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 723

    Good morning readers! I am neither at the airport nor in Dallas, as yesterday’s sign-off promised. I woke up at 2:20am to get ready for my ride (which was scheduled to arrive at 3:00am) to find a message on my phone that my flight had been cancelled. It took me a few minutes to confirm that I was rebooked on a later flight this afternoon, check in for that flight, and send Leslie a text letting her know that she need not rush in the morning. I was back in bed at 2:42am, and asleep within five minutes. The unexpected upside to the flight cancelation is that I am well rested today and will not be arriving in Dallas in need of a nap. The downside is that the line at US Customs & Immigration is much shorter at 4:00am than it will be at 3:00pm… especially with flight cancelations. Oh well. Another downside is that I got the message less than an hour from my scheduled Uber pickup, so canceling cost me $20 plus tax. I really hope that goes to the driver, and not to the corporation.

    My weight dropped slightly this morning. After my weight peaked this week Wednesday morning at 269 lbs., it is now down to 264.4. While I am still about 26 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever, I am relieved to have been able to recover nearly five pounds in three days. I am also at my lowest weight since New Year’s Eve. These last two weeks have been emotional to say the least, and my work schedule has not given me time to exercise at all – at least, not since last Friday. I have taken Her Floofness out for a couple of walks every day, but that has been the extent of it.

    As I mentioned yesterday morning, my car battery died. At least I have jumper cables, right? Like most people who have them, my cables are in the trunk; while there is a keyhole to open the trunk, the key will not turn. Online forums are suggesting I spray silicon in it. If any of my neighbours have a can then I will try that. If not, then I will deal with it when I get back from Dallas. I do not really need my car today (although I had briefly considered driving to the airport and parking my car there), but if I can easily get into my trunk then I will boost the battery today. If not, then I might as well deal with it when I am back from my trip. Even if I did boost the battery, I would not drive to the airport now. The thought of getting to my car near midnight Wednesday in the cold, only to find that the battery was dead again does not appeal to me.

    As I had not car, I decided to walk to the supermarket this morning. I did not buy much, but as I was not eating breakfast at the airport as planned my options were to either buy breakfast food or go out for breakfast. I did the prudent thing and bought eggs. Having to walk would not have been a deciding factor – I would have had to walk either to the supermarket or to the restaurant. I know that eating out is almost always bad for my diet, and that I will be eating badly enough at the airport… even if I eat well in Dallas.

    So here I sit, waiting for my laundry to dry, writing my morning missive. I took advantage of the time at home to do a load of sheets and towels – I had already washed the rest of my clothes in advance of packing for the trip – and will make my bed so that when I get home late at night on Wednesday (more likely early morning Thursday) I will at least get into a bed made with fresh linen. I just reserved my Uber to pick me up at 1:00pm, which will give me over 3.5 hours at the airport. Yes, that is a long time to wait. Knowing that the terminal (and especially US Clearance) might be a mob scene, I have no problem with that. If I get through it all quickly then I will spend the time relaxing in the First-Class Lounge; if it is a long wait to get through, then at least I will still make my flight. In the meantime, I am going to knock on my neighbour’s door to see if she has any WD-40 to get into my trunk. I will also take that opportunity to see my favourite puppy who is spending a few days with her.

    See you tomorrow!

  • Day 714

    It felt good to see my weight drop a couple of pounds after the last few days of ‘up, up, and stay same.’ If I can repeat everything that I did yesterday, then I should be able to shed a few more pounds this week. It was just a few days ago that I wrote that I hoped to get back to the weight I was when I came back from Dallas in November for my upcoming trip. That is no longer realistic, as I am 20 lbs. up from when I got home, and I am flying out in nine days. I have to stay on track, keep exercising, and stop cheating. That is what I did yesterday; I will try to do that again today.

    Last night I took a sleeping pill for the first time. I told my doctor that I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping and she suggested an antidepressant, but until they kicked in she also gave me sleeping pills. It was a relief to put my head down and fall asleep… and stay asleep all night. I might have even slept longer had I not forgotten to disable my alarm, but I suppose Her Royal Floofness wanted to go out, and it is a bad idea to stay in bed all day anyways… especially when I know that I am fighting depression, and that it would be so easy to wallow in it. No, I will not let the sadness encroach on my life!

    Today is a cold day indeed. I took The Princess out for her walk this morning wearing a sweater under my new winter jacket (and not the sleeveless vest I have been wearing most of the last couple of months. Even with that I was still cold – mostly owing to my not thinking to wear a scarf. I’ll pay closer attention to that on our next outing.

    I am teaching this evening but unless the wind dies down, I do not think I’ll be sitting on the balcony today. If it does abate then I will change that plan because my heater can protect me from the cold, it is just the wind that makes it unpleasant. I will also make a point to spend some time on the treadmill… I did a 5km workout yesterday and would like to improve on that today. It will give me the chance to finish the movie I started watching yesterday.

    I still cannot believe that I am now struggling to drop my weight below 265 lbs.; It was October 15 (less than three months ago) that I registered on my fridge that I had dropped below 240 lbs. and then… well, when I came home from Dallas at the beginning of November my world fell apart. All of a sudden the last two days I was 29 lbs. higher than that weight. I am glad I was able to rein that in this morning, but I really do hate knowing how easy it was to fall off. I have done that before. I have to stay strong because there is a difference between falling off and picking myself back up again… and falling off and six months from now realizing I weigh what I weighed 713 days ago. I cannot let myself fall like that!

    See you all tomorrow.

  • Day 701

    Today was my first relaxing day in a long time. After sleeping in I took HRF for a walk and then had breakfast. I ran some errands, I watched some television, and I did not much else. Tomorrow will be more of the same, except I will be meeting a friend in the evening for dinner and talking.

    I accidentally posted my post from a couple of days ago to my professional blog (although I immediately corrected that error). Unfortunately, a friend who still follows that blog saw it and called to speak about it. I am not ready to talk. Maybe soon. I do appreciate my friends though.

  • Day 698

    I picked my diet buddy up at the airport yesterday morning at 6:00am. The problem was that I had only fallen asleep about two hours before I had to wake up to do that. Result? I was exhausted all day. The fact that I did not fall asleep at any point was a miracle! It was great that my buddy Rob came over in the evening for a cigar, and he was certainly a good person to chat with… but had he not come over, I likely would have been in bed and asleep by 8:00pm. As it was, I was asleep at 11:00pm… more or less.

    I checked to make sure my alarm was properly set last night… I swear. In fact, I am even reasonably sure that it went off when it was meant to. That does not mean that it did its job. When I finally opened my eyes – with no recollection of the alarm having gone off or of my having disabled it or hit the snooze button – the clock read 8:05am… I jumped to it, took an Army shower, and then took Her Floofness out for an abridged walk. Fortunately, it was -4° outside and she was not interested in dawdling. I was able to start class on time, and the only thing missing was breakfast. I gave my students labs to do an hour into class, and I made myself an egg sandwich… which I ate in front of my computer (although off-camera).

    I did not weigh myself yesterday morning. Had I done so I would have hated the number. I did weigh myself this morning, and while I was still over 260 lbs. today, I suspect that yesterday would have been much worse. Tomorrow I will be back below that.

    I want to thank the people who check in on me when I miss a day blogging… I had actually written yesterday’s very brief entry but forgot to press Publish. I took care of that after receiving an email from a friend/reader, and yes… I backdated it to yesterday, so my streak continues.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 685

    You would think that days when I teach until 11pm I would be getting to bed reasonably soon after that. The last few nights I have lay in bed tossing and turning with difficult and depressing thoughts keeping me awake, so last night I decided to shake things up a little. After class I had a cigar on the balcony as I watched TV. I fell asleep at around the same time (maybe 3am), but at least I did not spend three hours in depressive misery leading up to that.

    My weight stayed the same this morning. I’m okay with that. I do not want to gain any more, but my diet it still not the most pressing thing on my mind. I am still above 250, but if I can stay put for a few days I’ll be happy.

    I picked my car up from the mechanic this morning. I left it with him yesterday because my brakes needed to be replaced, so this morning I drove home feeling just a little bit safer. He and I were talking yesterday about how so many people wait until the last minute to put their winter tires on. I always make a point of doing that around the middle of November, so with winter wheels and new brakes I am as safe as I can be.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 667

    (Sorry, I wrote this on Saturday but forgot to press Send. –MDG)

    My weight finally dropped this morning… after five days of gains and over 5 lbs. in that time, it finally receded slightly. A 1.4 lb. drop from yesterday is a bit of a relief, if not a massive one. I could not have expected more though – not from the kind of week it has been.

    It is a mixed blessing to have the next ten days off now. I have a lot of preparation for an exam that I have to do, and there are a couple of errands I need to run. I would like to resume some sort of exercise regimen. Other than that, I just have more time to think about the mess. I will hopefully get more sleep, but I will also have less to distract me from what is going on.

    I was finally able to get some sleep last night. It took me a bit to fall off, and I woke up a couple of times, but I finally settled in and rested. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was higher last night than the last two weeks. I actually slept until 9:00am, which I have not done in a very long time. A couple of hours after waking up I had a very successful bowel movement – my first good one in several days – which would likely have made more of a dent on the bathroom scale this morning had it happened earlier. All in all, my body is slowly starting to recover… I hope. Now all I need to do is to get some exercise.

  • Day 665

    My weight continues to creep up despite my not eating more than I was just a few days ago when I was losing weight. I take some comfort in the fact that according to the same bathroom scale that keeps giving me this bad news my muscle mass and lean body mass are also increasing, which means that the weight gain is not an unhealthy one; I just wish that I could point to more than walking my doggie twice per day as reasons for the increased muscle mass. Yes, my legs are looking and feeling stronger than they were just a few weeks ago, but I am not actually exercising. Hopefully next week I will be able to resume some sort of exercise routine so that I can get back on track. While it was up again, my weight was still below 249 lbs., which is a relief. There was one day last week when my weight was within half a pound of hitting the 250 lbs. mark, which for me is a psychological disaster. I vowed a couple of months ago that I would never weigh more than that ever again, and so far I have avoided it… no matter how bad things are, and no matter how close I came.

    Tomorrow is my last crazy long day, and I am looking forward to getting back onto a normal schedule. I have not had a good night sleep in two weeks (although that is not because of my teaching), and I am looking forward to being able to recover at least somewhat. This morning I slept through my alarm (or turned it off and went right back to sleep) and was a lot more rushed than I like to be in getting ready and out the door. Her Floofness seemed to recognize the hurry and she was happy to pick up the pace of our walk; we took the same route as always, but we cut our time from 25-30 minutes for the circuit down to 19 minutes. With that I was actually able to prepare and eat my breakfast at a mostly normal pace, rather than either making a meal replacement shake, or just wolfing down my omelette. It was a relief, and I was at my desk and logged into my class at exactly the same time as I was the last several days… but with an extra 45 minutes of badly needed sleep.

    My rabbi and I spoke last night and while he is supportive of me, he did not pull any punches. He showed me how one thing I did would have been a terrible blow, and although he supports that I did it he still forced me to see how I am not completely innocent. Introspection is good, even when you do not like what you see. It did not help me sleep, but he is a good man and a good friend.

    I wrote this early in the day and see it is 9:00pm and I have not published it. Oops! Time to move.