Losing a part of me

Category: Stress

  • Day 791

    I was on my way down the rabbit hole last night when I got another message… this time I responded. I have no idea where this is going to go, but for now there was a positive conversation in which we discussed the root cause of a lot of our issues… and in which we clarified that I did not have sex when I was in Cuba. Where do we go from here? Another conversation I suppose… and then another. We will see where it leads. 

    My weight jumped a pound this morning, and is back above 280 lbs. again. This is the last time I will write that. I am done gaining weight. I am redoubling my weight loss efforts effective today. I am not buying any more bread or yogurt or breakfast cereals or anything else that might be hampering my progress. Yes, I have gained forty pounds back since the beginning of November. Whatever might happen with anyone else… that ends now. It is time for me to pick myself up by my bootstraps and reclaim the ground that I have lost. 

    Have a great day folks. 

  • Day 770

    Yesterday did not go as planned once again. I suppose the big wrecker was that I went to Hamilton to the tailor, only to find out that my appointment is today and not yesterday… even though they sent me an email telling me it was yesterday. I came home and prepared a piece of fish and some rice… and then I had a roll with avocado butter and jam. Added to the fact that I ate so much, I ate it all late. I did not expect any better that I got when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning… my weight was up a full pound.

    This morning, I had to run out to be at the notary’s office at 8:30am so that I would be back at my desk in time to teach. I am not happy about the documents that I am having notarized (and there will be another one in the next couple of weeks) but I am not ready to discuss it… at least, not here. Maybe in a few days, or weeks… we’ll see. My regular readers can read into the fact that I have not been discussing my wife or my marriage for a few months.

    This evening, I will prepare a light dinner, and then I will head out to my appointment. I will not make a stink about it, but I am a little miffed that I ran out to be there on time, paid for parking, and waited 45 minutes before realizing they were not coming. Yes, it was their mistake. No, I am not going to do anything about it. Mistakes happen. I will go in and pick out a few new shirts… and maybe a sports jacket. Whatever happens, I will not overeat again!

    Okay, it is time for me to start teaching for the day. See you all tomorrow!

  • Day 753

    Saturday evening was not nearly as successful as the rest of the day was. I took my son the younger for dinner, and I was very happy to see him (as I always am). He confided something in me about his relationship with his brother that disturbed me so much that when I got home, I was not able to concentrate on anything. Packing my carry-on bag should normally take me five minutes but it took me nearly an hour because I was so scatterbrained. Likewise, when I did get to bed, I was not able to sleep a wink. It is frustrating as all get-out when one is tossing and turning, head full of terrible thoughts, knowing that the alarm is set for 2:00am. The last time I looked at the clock it was 12:25am, and I was extremely worried that I would not wake up with my alarm.

    Fortunately, I did wake up, and while I was exhausted the whole time, my travels were uneventful. I was in my apartment in Havana by 3:00pm, and by 3:30pm I was sitting with my brother in his bistro in Old Havana. I said several times that I was going to take a nap, but that never happened; I alternated between walking around the old city and siting at my buddy’s restaurant.

    I will be good today. There is no good reason for me to cheat. I will even try to go for a run… despite the fact that my feet are blistered from walking around in my sandals yesterday. I’m already at 5,000 steps, which is nothing to sneeze at.

  • Day 677

    Last night was a difficult, but I got through it. Afterward my friend and I went out for dinner, ending up at the pub down the street. I am not entirely sure why a pub needs to have a gluten-free night, but the truth is that I did not notice the absence of gluten in my fish and chips. Yes, I indulged. Normally I would not have – certainly not after 8:30pm – but I needed to eat, and my diet was not the primary concern. The fact that I did not have anything alcoholic is a huge victory.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were down this morning, but I am still slightly above the 250-pound mark. As I said, my weight goals are not my main focus right now, but it is good that I am still paying attention to it and not going absolutely over the cliff. After my call last night, I told my buddy that I could really go for a plate of deep-fried breaded wings with the sauce dripping, and he told me that it would be understandable. I told him that if I did that then it was a sign that I was giving up on my weight loss… that I was giving up on me. I am not there, but it was still tempting. We tried to go for Lebanese food, but the restaurant was closing; the pub was our fallback choice, and despite it being deep-fried, it was better than the wings. We went for breakfast this morning, and I had a plate of French Toast with berries. I know it was a cheat meal, but again… there were much worse choices that I could have made.

    I am trying to stay focused and to stay on track. It is not easy, but I will continue to pray and to meditate, and to focus on what I need to do so that I can eventually get back to where I need to be. Hopefully what I am doing will be enough.

  • Day 676

    My weight jumped again this morning. While it was disappointing to be back above 250, I will not let that phase me. Certainly not when there are so many other things that are phasing me.

    My buddy flew in this morning. It is good to have someone who I can talk to. This evening is the call I have been dreading, and I am trying to figure out how to get through the day… and then how I am going to handle that call.

  • Day 665

    My weight continues to creep up despite my not eating more than I was just a few days ago when I was losing weight. I take some comfort in the fact that according to the same bathroom scale that keeps giving me this bad news my muscle mass and lean body mass are also increasing, which means that the weight gain is not an unhealthy one; I just wish that I could point to more than walking my doggie twice per day as reasons for the increased muscle mass. Yes, my legs are looking and feeling stronger than they were just a few weeks ago, but I am not actually exercising. Hopefully next week I will be able to resume some sort of exercise routine so that I can get back on track. While it was up again, my weight was still below 249 lbs., which is a relief. There was one day last week when my weight was within half a pound of hitting the 250 lbs. mark, which for me is a psychological disaster. I vowed a couple of months ago that I would never weigh more than that ever again, and so far I have avoided it… no matter how bad things are, and no matter how close I came.

    Tomorrow is my last crazy long day, and I am looking forward to getting back onto a normal schedule. I have not had a good night sleep in two weeks (although that is not because of my teaching), and I am looking forward to being able to recover at least somewhat. This morning I slept through my alarm (or turned it off and went right back to sleep) and was a lot more rushed than I like to be in getting ready and out the door. Her Floofness seemed to recognize the hurry and she was happy to pick up the pace of our walk; we took the same route as always, but we cut our time from 25-30 minutes for the circuit down to 19 minutes. With that I was actually able to prepare and eat my breakfast at a mostly normal pace, rather than either making a meal replacement shake, or just wolfing down my omelette. It was a relief, and I was at my desk and logged into my class at exactly the same time as I was the last several days… but with an extra 45 minutes of badly needed sleep.

    My rabbi and I spoke last night and while he is supportive of me, he did not pull any punches. He showed me how one thing I did would have been a terrible blow, and although he supports that I did it he still forced me to see how I am not completely innocent. Introspection is good, even when you do not like what you see. It did not help me sleep, but he is a good man and a good friend.

    I wrote this early in the day and see it is 9:00pm and I have not published it. Oops! Time to move.

  • Day 655

    I flew back to Canada last night. I probably ate a little more than I should have, what with a (very) late lunch in the Business Class Lounge, and then the kosher dinner on the airplane. I arrived home after midnight dejected and depressed, but also feeling bloated. The last couple of days have not gone well for me at all. I am not going to go into any detail.

    I did not expect to see so significant a weight gain this morning as I did, but I suppose the overeating yesterday, coupled with the stress and anxiety (including the travel) and I should not be surprised to see a 3.5 lb. jump from Saturday morning. I am now 8 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever. I need to get back on track, but this week and next the prospect of exercise is next to none.

    As I had planned I went shopping at lunch and picked up provisions for the week, and because I would not have time to shop and prepare then eat lunch I decided to buy a sushi plate from the prepared food counter. It was good but I was not really into it. I did need the calories though, otherwise there was no way I was going to make it through the day. I will make chicken for dinner that I will eat between classes. It’s going to be two weeks of very long days. We’ll see how I handle it.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 651

    Another day, another tiny but welcome drop on the bathroom scales. I was better yesterday than I was the day before, although I did snack a little bit (some peanuts and a couple of slices of dried mango) I ate well. I ate my usual breakfast, and when I came home from the lounge I made myself an egg sandwich with cheese. Despite stresses and anxieties I did not dive into anything delectable.

    I am going to see if I can muster the strength to go for a long walk today. I have not exercised since I am in Texas, and I know it would do me a world of good. I will wait for the temperatures to get up to something reasonable (I will still be wearing long pants) and then I will go for it. Later in the day I will also have to go to the Verizon store to drop off my old cell phone… as soon as the new one is unlocked so I can transfer my eSIM onto it. It’s a long story, but it makes sense.

    I will most likely pick up salads for our lunches today. I do not know what Leslie has planned for dinner, but I will go with the flow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 643

    After speaking with my wife last night I made a decision. I have adjusted my weight goal on the app that ties to my scale. I am feeling so much better about myself than I have in so many years, and while I think I still have a little way to go, I also recognize that I want to be slim, but not sickly thin. With that, my new weight loss goal is 210 lbs., both for my well-being and for a number of other reasons.

    I had a stressful day yesterday and I did eat (and snack) a little more than I should have. I was a bit concerned about the numbers, but sure enough (after a half decent bowel movement) I had lost .6 lb. from yesterday morning. I am not back to where I was before my stumble began, but I have always said that down is better than up. I will call it a win!

    I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that now that I am wearing my pants around my waist and not around my belly there is a significant difference in the length. For decades I have bought pants in a 30” length. Since changing to the waist I have been showing off a lot more sock than I used to. Late last week I ordered my first pair of pants that were a 36×32… the smaller waist and the longer leg. They arrived at Leslie’s mailbox on Friday and were here when I arrived. I was afraid to try them on – not because of the length, but because of the 36” waist. I know I have a couple of pair in that waist that do fit, but I have several others that do not. This morning I tried them on. Lo and behold… they fit perfectly! I was (and am) so excited about that!

    One more thing that I realized a while ago was that my underwear has been much looser than it could be. I ordered several new pair, some of which arrived Monday. For the first time in I don’t know how long I am wearing Size Large! It has been so many years since I have worn anything that was not XL (or XXL or XXXL…) and it really feels great to be able to order some things in regular sizes. I am not going to say that I am over the moon about underwear, but it is a nice feeling to know that I can wear normal sizes.

    Today will be a very long day. I am teaching from 8:00am to 8:00pm, and then we are driving to Houston (probably a 4-hour drive). When we get to the hotel, I am sure we will both be ready to collapse into bed immediately! My workday tomorrow begins at 8:00am again, although it is mercifully much shorter. In the evening we are going to the Davidoff event at the Blend Bar – the entire purpose for our trip to Houston, and the reason behind the timing of this trip. Yes, there will be fatigue, and the anxiety of working from a hotel room, but it will be worth it. We will look like a million bucks together as we enjoy our event… and our weekend away together.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 640

    I have no idea how it happened. I checked to make sure my alarm was set for 3:00am. I even set a secondary alarm for 3:05am. I had trouble falling asleep and do not think I nodded off until nearly midnight, so it was unlikely that I would wake up refreshed… but I would wake up because of the two very loud alarms that I set.

    Neither alarm went off.

    I looked at my watch to make sure I still had some time before I had to get up… it was 4:28am. I scrambled like I have not scrambled since I was in the Army. Before I even put my feet on the floor I ordered a new Uber (I missed the one that was supposed to get me to the airport in plenty of time… an hour before I woke up). By some miracle there was a car four minutes away. I brushed my teeth as I peed, weighed myself, got dressed in a very big hurry, and was out the door precisely 5 minutes after I woke up.

    Not to keep you in suspense, I made my flight. Despite getting to the airport over an hour after I had planned to, I was able to check my bags, get through Airport Security, get through US Border Control (with the usual secondary inspection) with plenty of time to spare. I even had time to make myself a coffee in the American Airlines lounge. As I type this I am comfortably seated on the airplane, and we are getting ready to push back from the gate.

    Yesterday went about as planned. I did cheat a little bit, but not too bad. I forgot to take a meal replacement with me when I left the apartment to pick Lyle up for the drive to Cambridge. Knowing I did not want to be tempted by the usual goodies at Ryan’s place, I decided to stop and pick up some peanuts. I also had a few (six) cheese puffs at Ryan’s, which has precisely zero redeeming features. I did not even enjoy them. Hopefully I will remember that the next time I am tempted.

    Dinner was a very lovely steak. Lyle (a master chef) prepared a potato salad which he brought with us, and Ryan prepared a tomato and onion mix. I would have eschewed the potato salad if it had been prepared by anyone else, but I could not resist. I did not overindulge, but I did have a helping of it.

    My weight this morning was exactly what it was yesterday. That comes as no surprise to me – the combination of the cheats and the fact that I do not usually weigh myself at 4:31am made me suspect I would lose ground. While I was originally hoping to fly to Dallas under the 240 lbs. mark, I will have to settle for (and try to be happy with) staying under 242.

    As we fly somewhere over the Great Lakes I see the flight attendant preparing to being my kosher breakfast so I’ll close here and wish you all have a great day!