Losing a part of me

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  • Day 100

    I was slightly better yesterday than I was today. After my initial fear that I had nothing in the house, I discovered a piece of salmon in the freezer. I also had tomatoes and onions, and while that is not much, my mother used to make a lovely salad with just those two ingredients and seasoning. She called it Maichel, which is really just the Yiddish word for food. When I sent a picture to Leslie, she was impressed by what I had scrounged up.

    After my class, I did go shopping. I now have lettuce and chicken and broccoli. Yes, I bought a handful of peanuts. Add to that, I also had an extra meal replacement bar. I was just a bit out of sorts last night. My weight stayed exactly where it was on the scale, and I know it would have been down, save for that late-night bar.

    My class went very well… I think. In truth, an instructor might have his (or her) feeling, but you do not know how well a course is received until the students submit their evaluations, which I expect they will do this afternoon after class. I do know there was active participation, and that everyone completed the exercises that I assigned. I was also very pleased with the timing of the course – I have taught some classes in which I can go through three or four modules in a single day, so creating four modules was a risk. I was also worried that the exercises might be either too simple or outright ignored. They actually seem to have been well received, and there was active participation in the review process. I suspect that at the end of the class the students (and thus the customer who hired me) will be satisfied. YAY! With luck, they will ask me to deliver it again in the future. While I am being paid my maximum daily rate as an instructor, when you factor in the time it took to create the course, it drops me down to under my minimum daily rate. Essentially, the first delivery (this week) paid to create the material; another delivery would make it profitable.

    On the other hand, while at the end of the class I was relieved and elated, I was also fried. I went shopping and then came home to make my salad. I tried to sit through my class in the evening, but I was just not in any frame of mind to focus on networking and subnetting and port security after the stress of the day. I sat on the balcony with a cigar and spoke with some friends I have not chatted with in a while.

    That, by the way, is my plans for this evening as well. I will either be smoking on my own balcony, or with friends. That will be determined at some point today. I just know that the culmination of this class will be something to celebrate, and good cigars will be smoked!

    Today is the one hundredth day of my diet. Truth be told, I have not achieved nearly the success I would have liked to have achieved by this point. Okay, that’s part of life… No, I did not get as far as I wanted to, but I got this far. The old expression, “Aim for the stars, and if you miss then you still hit the moon” comes to mind. No, I have not hit the moon… but I’m also no longer as big as it is. This journal is also less than eight hundred words from hitting the 100,000-word mark. As I have said before, I can be verbose. However, this time around, I am not just writing for myself. Each article that I post (and I have posted at least one article every day for the last one hundred days) is written into my journal in Microsoft Word, and is then transposed into my blog, www.losingapartof.me, which I hope might be an inspiration to someone. When I share my articles on Facebook, they get noticed. When I do not? Well, I still know that my biggest fan is reading what I write every day.

    I am truly looking forward to this weekend and having this class in my rear-view mirror. I only hope that I do not stress-eat at any point today before it is over.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 99

    It was 5:25pm yesterday when I pressed SAVE, and I knew for the first time that the material I need to present for my classes today and tomorrow were ready to go. That does not in any way alleviate all of the stress I am feeling over the class, but at least if I fail miserably, it will not be because I missed the deadline. I am hoping and praying.

    Yes, the stress yesterday caused me to ‘fall off the wagon.’ I had an extra meal replacement bar in the afternoon, and a bag of popcorn in the evening. Neither was either necessary or warranted, but stress and anxiety make us do things that are neither necessary nor warranted. I am hoping that I get through the class today unscathed, and can come out the other side, tomorrow afternoon, with a very good cigar.

    I realized too late (i.e.: this morning) that I have no food in the house. I have neither the protein nor the vegetables to make either lunch or dinner. Depending on how the class goes, I will either run out and do some shopping at lunchtime, or my lunch meal will have to be ordered in. Poor planning on my part, but getting my work done yesterday (and then attending yesterday evening’s class) had to take priority over shopping.

    My dietary transgressions of yesterday were apparent on the scale this morning, which registered my weight as 1.4 lbs heavier than I was yesterday morning. My goal at this point, knowing what is going on and what is coming up, is to just stay below the 350-pound mark through the weekend. If I can do that, then I should be okay for next week, and right through to my trip to Cuba.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 98

    We are not yet at next week, but I hope nonetheless that I am in a better frame of mind today than I was yesterday. I know the work that I still have to do today, and while there is a deadline, I am nonetheless back on track to complete the task before the hard deadline. I am at my desk slightly earlier than I might otherwise be, were I not burdened with completing this assignment before day’s end. Otherwise, this morning is similar to most.

    I was surprised, when I checked the temperature and forecast this morning, to see that it was 1°C outside. It is not bitterly cold, but it is certainly cold enough that I pulled my ski jacket out, rather than my spring jacket that I have worn the last week. I decided that I would wear my older ski jacket, and not the one that I purchased at the beginning of this past winter. I wanted to prove to myself that I was not imagining that the smaller jacket fit. It does. I zipped it against the wind, and I was more than comfortable in it… even though it is still snug. That is to be expected, of course… but at the beginning of next season I hope it will not be so.

    I wrote yesterday evening that I was not sated by my smaller meals, and that I indulged in two extra meal-replacement bars throughout the day. I will adjust my portions accordingly today, in hope that I will have no need to do so again. While there may be little difference in calories between the larger meal and the meal replacement bars, the lunchtime meal starts to digest earlier, and… well, we will see.

    The bathroom scale (I am not going to start referring to it as the bedroom scale, despite its recent relocation) gave me three different readings today. Unlike past times, when these might be many pounds different, today’s three readings were all very similar – the three separated by 4/10ths of a pound. In the end, I settled for the middle reading, which has me up 2/10ths of a pound from yesterday. I know, I cannot be impatient. I also have to trust that despite all of these maddening daily ups and downs, I have been consistently down on my fortnightly weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. Those are the ones that really matter, right?

    Two weeks from today I will be waking up next to Leslie in Cuba for the first time. That means, of course, that she is arriving here in under two weeks. I am very excited – I really miss her. I love our long video chats, but it is not the same as being able to hold her in my arms. Friends who know we are going are asking if I am excited to be going back to Cuba after all this time. After all, this has been the longest span of time that I have not been in many years. Yes, I am excited… but I am so much more excited for going with Leslie. I am excited to share with her a gorgeous beach vacation where we can relax and enjoy ourselves… without any stress or aggravation or work.

    While there are days when I look out the window and am tempted to blow off my work to sit outside with a cigar, today is not one of them. It is not raining, but the sounds of the outside world – the wind, with hints of Blue (our upstairs neighbour Siberian Husky) crying will keep me honest today. The forecast high is 4°C, with a 50% chance of snow flurries. While the overnight temps will drop to -2°C, I will be in bed for all of the below-freezing hours. Tomorrow’s high is forecast at 10°, which is lovely… except that I will be inside teaching most of the day… and inside learning for most of the evening. The weekend is looking nice though… and not only because of the weather. I will be quite relieved to have this class behind me.

    Today is the ninety-eighth day of my diet; I have recorded my thoughts in this journal every day since January 20. While there have been bad days (Day 45 was the worst of them), I think I have, for the most part, done pretty well. No, I am not on the strict, one hundred percent meal-replacement program that the weight loss clinics would prescribe. However, most weight loss professionals would likely agree that losing forty-five pounds in 98 days is nothing to sneeze at, and indeed is a healthy pace. They usually tell you that 1-2 lbs per week is a healthy pace, and I am exactly there. The fact that I had previously succeeded in losing 100 lbs in the same time period (in 2017) is not relevant, as I was on the extreme program then with absolutely no solid foods. While some might see my current diet as extreme, I assure you that it is far from it… two meals per day is not bad at all.

    Of course, if I was losing weight faster, I would be happy… but I might also not be able to fit into the clothes that I ordered a month ago, which will be arriving in another month or so. They say 8-10 weeks, and I am eagerly hoping that they arrive sooner rather than later. Either way, they should be here in time for my flight to Dallas, which is June 16. I know, it is going to be extremely hot in Dallas in June… but wouldn’t it be nice one evening to be able to dress up for my girlfriend? Maybe to go out on the town, enjoy a fine meal, or even just a walk in the park. She deserves that!

    Since sitting down the first time this morning, I received an unexpected call that my glasses were ready. I ran down to the optometrist to collect them, as NOW was the only available slot they had for me to come in today. I headed out, and after having the sunglasses fixed (they were my own frames, so they do not guarantee anything… and yes, a piece fell off, but yes, it was repairable) I came home, sat down to work, and promptly had a dog jump up to sit on my desk, preventing any possible work. Okay, so I am now two hours behind on the day… but I should be able to make it through.

    Now that I can get back at my keyboard, it is time to do some work. Have a great day folks!

  • The End of a Stressful Day

    It is 9:15pm, and I am looking back on the day. I tried to cut my lunch down to a smaller portion. A few minutes later I was very again… only to realize it was nearly two hours later, and I had been so immersed in my work that the time flew. It was not yet the time for my evening salad (nor would it have been convenient for me to stop working just then), so I decided to have a meal replacement bar.

    I went about my evening as usual, but an hour after my final shake, I was hungry again. I needed to focus in class, and I decided to have another meal replacement bar. All in all, I am 320 calories more than I should have been, but that is likely nearly entirely offset by the smaller lunch. Tomorrow I will readjust back to my larger lunch, in the hopes that I will not need to snack.

    I am not going to lie, it was a stressful day… but I made great progress in my work, and I suspect that I am back on schedule. I do not have a lot of work to do on the class tomorrow, and I will be ready to teach it on Thursday. I will not really be stress-free until Day 2 of the class is over… and that’s not until Friday afternoon.

    Next week should be slightly easier!

  • Day 97

    This week I am more stressed than usual. I have a deadline to finish creating a course which I have been working on, and which I must deliver Thursday. I will make my hard deadline, but it will be close. If I had been able to work Sunday afternoon (as had been the plan, then I would be much less tight about it. Such is life.

    While my weight was up this morning, it was not by any significant number. I am under no delusions that I will lose weight every day, so knowing that I was down the last two days is quite satisfying, and the .4lbs that I was up this morning is a minor adjustment.

    I took a chicken breast out to defrost last night, and that will be my afternoon meal… along with either steamed vegetables or a salad. Food will not be my main focus today, for I have too many other things to think about. The only thought that I shall keep at the forefront is that I will not veer from the program. Yes, I have a lot of work to do today. That does not mean that I should be snacking while I do so. While I have what to cheat with if I wanted to, I have, thus far, no desire to do so and indeed, I am hoping that by next Wednesday, a fortnight since my last weigh-in, I will have once again lost the 2.5 kilograms that I had been happy to lose each previous weigh-in… until the last one.

    In December, before I started on my program, I saw the doctor, and he proposed I get my bloodwork done. I told him that I would rather wait until I have lost a few pounds, but that I would. Now, on the cusp of having lost fifty pounds (although not quite there yet), I think it is time. I have the requisition form (which his office recently emailed to me), so all I have to do is pop into a lab and get stabbed. The next four days will be very tight, but I should be able to do it either Saturday or Monday at the latest. While it would have been interesting to see the difference in readings that forty-five pounds makes, I was too embarrassed to do it then, knowing how bad it would have been.

    Every doctor I have seen in the past twenty years or so has told me that I need to lose weight. It is nice to be going to see a doctor who is encouraging me to lose weight, but knows that I am on track, and knows that nagging me will not be helpful. In my article Awareness and Honesty which I published just yesterday I wrote about the positive long-term relationship I have had with this doctor, and hope to continue. When I went through the program in California, I saw a doctor who was also very encouraging. He helped me through the program for a few months as well. What a difference a good doctor with a positive bedside manner makes!

    It is another lovely day outside, and it would be nice to be able to sit out with a cigar. My schedule today will not allow for that, but by the weekend I will be able to relax and do just that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Awareness and Honesty

    There are myriad reasons why people are overweight, and I do my best to not judge people because I do not know their stories, what medical conditions they might suffer from, or the psychological trauma that they live with. The things that I say in this article are about me and are not meant to pass judgement on anyone else.

    Fifteen years ago, I moved from Quebec to Ontario. Aside from the obvious inconvenience factors, because our socialized medicine in Canada is administered by province, I was forced to find a new primary care physician. While it was not at the top of my agenda, I would eventually need to do it. In September of that year, I met Theresa, and it was just easy to go to the same doctor as she did. I met Doctor John Guy Yates sometime in 2008, and after the hiatus of living out of the country, I continue to see him to this day.

    As doctors do, during my first visit he planned to run a battery of tests – bloodwork and the like. He told me that because of my weight, he told me that he would also run tests on my thyroid. I asked him why, and he answered that very often obesity is caused by thyroid problems. I replied, ‘Doc, I am not fat because of my thyroid. I am fat because I like to eat a lot, and I do not exercise nearly enough.’ He looked at me and said that it is refreshing to hear a patient who is not trying to blame anyone else for their obesity… and that I was one of the few.

    Over the years, Doctor Yates has seen me balloon to my heaviest weight (twice – the second time I was living in the USA, so he did not see it), and has seen me drop to my lowest weight (or within 5-10 lbs of it). He has recommended me to a weight management clinic and has told me that I was pre-diabetic… and then, when I lost most of the weight, had the pleasure of telling me that I was no longer pre-diabetic. He has encouraged me in my weight loss efforts, as well as in my exercise regimens. These have included walking, running, Taekwondo (he knew me before I started, and look at where I am now!), as well as weight-training with a personal trainer. Now, once again, he is encouraging me by standing in for a weight-management clinic, most of which are still only doing telemedicine (ironically, since when I went to Japan, I tried to get them to do that, and they refused). I need the doctor’s office visits so that I can get weighed and really be accountable, and not just for the encouragement and admonishment I would get from the clinic.

    Fifteen years ago, I told Doctor Yates that I was obese because I like to eat. Fast-forward, I know there is more to it than that. I am fat because of myriad psychological issues that I have been dealing with since I left the Army… and before. The horrors of my military service, added to the trauma of an abusive childhood raised by a mother who always loved my sister more than she loved me (and who really enjoyed hitting me) have been no picnic. Add to that, it is impossible for me to discuss my military traumas with a doctor without security clearance… in Israel.

    In short, I am fat for two reasons:

    • I really like to eat foods that are fattening for me, and in large quantities; and
    • I spent so many years ignoring the psychological damage that I have endured.

    It cannot be as simple as that. I could sit here and write tomes on the reasons I have fought with obesity for my entire post-military life. Those tomes would be summarized in those two sentences.

    It is important when one has a health issue to deal with it. Of course, one cannot treat a broken leg with antihistamines. It is important to have the right treatments for the right malady. If that malady is an unbalanced thyroid (or whatever the term would be), then there are medical treatments for that. If the problems are psychological, there are doctors and therapists who can help you to deal with them. If you just like to eat a lot, then changing your eating habits is the key.

    Of course, once you have cured one or both of the medical issues, it is still important to change your eating habits. We might need to relearn how to eat healthy, and in some cases, we might need to learn that for the first time. If I gained the weight because of psychological trauma, that does not mean that as soon as I have dealt with that trauma (and let’s be honest, I will be dealing with them for the rest of my life), I will suddenly or even gradually lose all of the weight. Healthy eating is an important part of life, and please do not try to learn how to do it on Facebook… or even from actual books. If, like I had, you have forgotten how to eat healthy then there are professionals for that as well. Registered dieticians and nutritionists will educate and guide you in ways that books of fad diets and pop psychology cannot.

    That is not to say that all of those books or fad diets are bad – I remember thirty years ago hearing about The Atkins Diet, which from what I can tell was a program that cut carbohydrates out. In other words, it focused on ketosis. Yes, that can be a good program. No, it is not for everyone. In truth, despite what so many holier-than-thou proselytizers will tell you there is no single solution to losing weight and keeping it off that will work for everyone, and you need to find what will work for you. If it was as easy as everyone reading the same book and following the same program, then there would only be one book, and we would all be thin.

    Losing weight is neither easy nor simple. Before setting out on your weight loss journey it is important for you to understand why you are overweight… and to be honest with yourself about it. Nobody looks quite so dishonest with themselves as someone who tells you they are fat because of the slow metabolism, while ordering two pounds of Buffalo Wings with a large pizza. Of course, they so often order the Diet Coke to show you that they are trying.

    Be honest with yourself. If you believe it is your metabolism, or your thyroid, or any other medical condition, then speak to your doctor and discuss your options. Dealing with psychological issues might be harder than that… added to the stigma of being fat you have the stigma of being psychologically damaged. So many people are ashamed to seek help. You know what? Get over it. Psychological trauma is no less real – and is often much more damaging – than are physical maladies. If you just like to eat, then yes… dieting might be a temporary solution, but the better one might be changing your eating habits.

    Honesty and self-awareness are crucial to weight loss. Whether the food is the problem, or there is an underlying reason, you need to know. You cannot be cured by dealing with the symptoms. You have to address the source of the problem.

    I did not say that it was easy.

  • Day 96

    For the second day in a row, the numbers on the scale were lower, setting new lows for this diet plan. I am pleased that I am seeing some progress but wonder as well if I would have been more than 2/10ths of a pound lower had I not had quite so many peanuts throughout the day. I have to go back to my original routine… If I am going to stop and buy peanuts, I can only buy a single handful. While sitting in the car, I have neither the awareness of how many I am eating, nor the discipline to stop eating them. I know that I bought more than a reasonable amount yesterday. I will not do that again.

    Something else that I did differently yesterday was at brunch with my son. In this case, I think I did well. Rather than simply ordering the plain omelet with cheese a four egg-white omelette with seasoned chicken, guacamole and pico salsa served with turkey bacon and fresh fruit. 435 Cals. Considering the cheese omelette I would have ordered is listed at 735 calories, I think I made the right choice. The fruit was a minor indulgence, but otherwise I think the entire breakfast was a good choice. With a squirt of hot sauce, it was quite delicious, and for once I was not at all jealous of my son’s Oreo French toast.

    There were fewer people at Lyle’s for our remembrance of Cameron than I had expected, but that is not unusual on such short notice. Depending on the funeral arrangements, we have tentatively planned to do a proper memorial herf next Sunday, which will give everyone much more time to plan for it. Still and all, the day went exactly as I wrote yesterday that it would.

    It was a beautiful day to be outside, but because of the configuration of Lyle and Dorothy’s patio, we were truly cold… until I had the idea to move our chairs down to the driveway where the sun was shining. Just five minutes earlier, I had gone to my car to my car to put a sweater on under my jacket. As soon as we relocated, I took off not only the sweater, but the jacket as well. We sat out in the sun comfortably wearing short sleeves.

    Spring is finally here, and I have put my winter jacket away. I am hoping that I have worn that jacket for the last time. I hated having to purchase a 4X jacket, but my older jacket (which I thought had fit me the last time I was my largest weight) did not fit, and it is impossible to live through a Canadian winter without proper outerwear. I bought it on November 15th, and I was never comfortable in it… although I was always warm. I know that if I am still living in Canada then I will be buying a new winter coat for next winter. It is not that my old Colombia ski jacket does not fit – I just tried it on, and it does – but I bought it when I was either engaged or married to my first wife, which means it is almost old enough to vote. Of course, I am also hoping that, come November, the jacket that was too tight on me a year earlier will now be too loose for me… but either way, it will be a good opportunity to update my style somewhat. After all, I was in my early thirties when I bought it, and before I wear it again, I will be fifty years old.

    While I was trying on the old ski jacket, I also took a couple of minutes to try on the other jackets hanging in my front closet. I have a spring/fall jacket that is a delightful shade of light blue that fits as long as I do not want to zip it up. I might wear it in a few weeks, or maybe sooner if I feel like it. My Taekwondo vest does not fit yet, but it will in time for next fall/winter. Okay, it is really not a Taekwondo vest… the company I used to work for gave all employees a one-year gift, and I chose a voucher from Land’s End. I chose an insulated vest, which is quite nice and very comfortable… when it fits. Of course, a few months later the company let me go. Thank you Covid. While I had zero interest in ever advertising that company’s brand, I really like the vest. I had a patch from Taekwondo Canada which served perfectly to cover the company branding. Hence, it is now my Taekwondo vest!

    There are so many things that I am looking forward to being able to wear again as I lose weight. I am also looking forward to one day being able to walk into a store and know that they will have my size… and I do not mean walking into a big and tall store, I mean going into a department store and not being treated like Godzilla. For now, I am just really looking forward to feeling better about myself and looking as good as I can for my girlfriend.

    I checked the fridge, and I am completely out of vegetables. Once I finish writing I will head out to the store to collect what I need for the next couple of days. If I did not have a lot of work to do, I would consider walking it again… but that is a long stretch of time out of my day that I cannot afford today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 95

    Sad news of loss is always a potential trigger for bad behaviour. If not outward, then certainly dietary. I was saddened to receive word last night that a friend of mine had passed away. I knew that I could not let my emotions get the better of me, and I stayed the course. I did not indulge. In fact, the only food that I had after hearing the distressing news was my evening shake. I am quite proud of myself for that.

    In short, yesterday I ate what I was meant to eat on my revised program. I had a meal replacement in the morning and in the evening, at lunch I had my main meal, and for dinner I had a salad with salmon. I drank more water than I do most days, but that might be owing to my walk. Five kilometers is a long way to go, and the sweat lost must be replenished!

    While I was feeling the effects of the walk all evening, I am feeling much better for it this morning. I do not feel that my muscles are crying, and given the opportunity, I might happily go for another walk today. Sadly, after spending a couple of hours taking my son for brunch, I will be congregating with friends to mourn Cam’s passing. He was a fellow cigar smoker, and we will spend the afternoon doing just that – smoking cigars in his honour.

    Speaking of breakfast with my son, I will take him, and I will be careful. I know there are too many temptations at a breakfast/brunch table, and I will do my best to stay as true to the program as I can. If on every second Sunday I am going to break my diet routine to spend an enjoyable couple of hours with my boy, then I will do so happily; at the same time, I can focus on good behaviours, and not go nuts. The plan is to have a vegetarian omelet, no potatoes, no toast. It is near to as boring a brunch meal as I can think; my weight did not get so out of hand as to require a year-long extreme weight-loss program to recover by being boring. Knowing that is how I got to where I am (and to where I was three months ago), I will forego the exciting at the restaurant.

    It is a beautiful day out. The sun is shining, and while the forecasted high temperature is 13°c (55°F), it looks like the daytime temps will be a couple of degrees shy of that. I don’t mind… I’ll have my jacket if I need it, and we will sit around sharing stories of our friend. Our friend who never took care of himself. Our friend who five years ago lost his leg to diabetes, and never made any lifestyle changes to prevent the loss of much more. Our friend who has been falling deeper into the depths of despair and depression, who spent so much of his time cloistered in his untidy basement apartment, and who, despite the encouragements of so many of us, did nothing to prevent his senseless and premature passing. In the large group who will be there this afternoon, we will share the wonderful stories of him. When those who were not as intimate are gone, we will lament that we did all that we could, but it was never going to be enough unless he was going to do his part. He stopped doing his part months ago.

    If ever there was a sign from the universe that I am on the right track, and that I need to get myself healthy and into shape, it is this. So yes, I will raise a single dram to his honour today… but I shall neither eat nor drink my sadness away. Unlike Cam, I have way too much to live for.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Number Three… or Number One?

    Some of us seem to go to great lengths to procrastinate. I decided that this afternoon was a good day to go for my third walk. I was not sure how I was going to feel, so I did not set out with a distance in mind. After the first two kilometres I was feeling fine, but just could not achieve the same pace that I had for my first two kilometers Monday. I was under the mistaken impression that I had done better the last time around than I had, so I was disappointed by my pace. In truth, I was hardly off at all. My first kilometer was 8 seconds slower, the second was 22 seconds slower. Considering that on Monday I had the wind at my back, and today it was in my face, I really was not doing too badly.

    If I could not match my pace from Monday, then at least I could match my distance. At the second kilometer mark, I decided that I would match the 5km that I did last time. It is funny how things work… At the end of that 5km, my stats were almost identical to Monday’s!

    · Distance: 5.00 km (5.00 km)

    · Duration: 55:59 minutes (56:00 minutes)

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 11:11 (11.11)

    · Steps: 6.4k (6.3k)

    · Calories burned: 285 (519)

    · Elevation gain: 19m (14.1m)

    · Average cadence (steps per minute): 114 (114)

    What I am having trouble understanding is this: If every other measure is nearly identical, how is it that my calories burned today is a little over half what I burned on Monday? The only explanation I can think of has to do with the fact that Monday I split the walk into two and did my grocery shopping at the halfway point. While the app is paused for that, maybe there is something going on? I don’t know.

    Speaking of which, that brings me to the title of the article. This was my third measured walk of my new regime. Following my first walk, I wrote a piece called “But Was It a Workout?” in which I questioned if going out shopping, but doing it on foot, and measured, really constitutes a workout. My second walk was the same, except that rather than split into four uneven segments, it was split into two. Today was the first time that I set out to go for a walk without any destination. I not only changed my shoes but also my pants – I took off my trousers and donned a pair of Adidas training pants (note to self: I need a new pair of training pants), I put on a hoodie instead of a jacket. So, while it was my third walk, it could be considered my first workout.

    Whether it is or not, I feel good about myself. It was a grueling pace to maintain, considering my weight. It is also the first time I did two workouts (whether or not it was that) in a week. My hope is that, going forward, I will be able to do at least two or hopefully three workout walks per week. It may take a few more weeks – and a few more kilos lost – to get there, but it is a good short-term goal.

  • Day 94

    Today’s article could just as easily be titled ‘Perception of Progress: Do not trust your memory!’ I suspect I will have a lot of people who know exactly what I am talking about.

    I am in the phase where I feel like I have lost a lot of weight, and that I haven’t lost anything.

    Anyone who has ever had a huge belly will know that you can put your hands under it and lift it and see just how fat you are. The same goes for man-boobs. You lift them and bam, they are huge. I will not discuss the obesity of a woman’s chest for two reasons. First, having no first-hand experience having them, I cannot speak to it, and secondly, I expect that this is the one area where many women do not necessarily wish to shrink.

    I put my hands under my belly this morning and lifted, and it is truly large. It is easy to get discouraged by the sheer size of my belly. It is hard to remember that three months ago it was that much bigger… and while it is easy to say, ‘I’ve gotten nowhere,’ in truth I know that is it much smaller than it was.

    In fact, when Leslie was here a couple of weeks ago, I remember saying that I noticed that my man-boobs were much smaller than they had once been.

    With regard to weight loss and the shrinking of our body, perception is not in fact reality. That is why we need to measure ourselves. While I weigh myself on a daily basis, I only measure myself very occasionally, and I mark those numbers down even less frequently. My reasoning is simple: Every time I measure myself, I am disappointed. It disheartens me to see that I have only lost half an inch, or whatever it might be, after a month or two or three. It is interesting that I get excited by a 2kg weight loss over a fortnight, but not over losing 2” around my belly in eight weeks.

    After I wrote that last paragraph, I decided to measure myself. I have actually lost about 3” around my belly and a little over 3” around my chest. That is pretty huge, even if I have so far to go. What I have to remember though is that three months ago, my Size-44 pants were all tight, and there wasn’t a single size-42 pair that I could hope to wear. I had shirts that would not even come close to buttoning up, and I had to buy a larger winter jacket because neither my ski jacket nor my spring/fall jacket came close to doing up. Today, some of my size-44 pants are too loose to wear, and the ones that are not are getting there. I am wearing size-42 blue jeans. Most (but certainly not all) of my larger shirts fit or are close to fitting. Both of the jackets that I had set aside are a little tight, but certainly wearable.

    Okay, all of that is great, and hugely meaningful. Some of the other things I have to remember though are that it is not strictly about size. As I walked HRF Princess Sophie this morning, I realized how much more comfortable I am walking her, and how much easier it is to bend down to pick up after her. I am not even referring to the fact that earlier in the week I was able to go for a five-kilometer walk, which is huge… but the everyday things that need to get done are easier to do than they were. I am finding it easier to put on my socks and my shoes. I am not having the same difficulties walking. My knees still hurt when I walk up or down stairs, but that is in part due to injuries. I have an easier time getting out of bed, standing up (either from a chair or from the porcelain throne). I still do not find my low couch to be very comfortable, but I have no problem sitting or lying on it, because I can much more easily stand up from it. All of the activities that were (and still might be) more difficult with all of the weight are getting easier. It is a gradual process, but it is progress.

    A month or so ago, my doctor asked me what exercise I am doing. I told him that I am walking HRF a couple of times per day. He told me that unless I had a larger and more energetic dog, it was unlikely that the start-stop pace of dog-walking was going to get my cardio going. He was right, but now I can go out for those much longer walks when I want to. I will try to do it more often as the weather gets nicer. I know that in a couple of weeks I will be in Cuba, and I will try to get some good walks in there (no excuses on the weather, other than some might find it to be too hot).

    I have a long way to go; in truth, I am probably under one third of the way to the total weight loss I want to achieve. Every journey starts with a single step, and every diet starts with a single day. Today is the ninety-fourth day of my journey, and while there have been bumps and even severe bumps along the way, I am confident that I can continue to lose weight so that in time, hopefully within a year, I can have the slamming body that I always wished I could have.