Losing a part of me

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  • Lead Me Not Into Temptation!

    Thank you, but I know the way. I do not need any help finding temptation, it is all around me. When it is not around me, I am still tempted by things in my mind.

    To wit: While there are ‘naughty’ foods in my kitchen, most of them are things that are reserved for Leslie to enjoy during her visits. I have never been tempted by Bear Claw cookies or by marshmallows. Don’t get me wrong, they are both snacks that I would enjoy, but unlike other things that could be lurking in my cupboards, I have never salivated over either of these.

    We all have our temptations… our Achilles Heel, if you will. Among my favourites are Buffalo Wings… dipped in batter and deep-fried (or even baked), dripping with sauce… these have been a weakness of mine since I was a teenager. Of course, they have to be really good wings, otherwise they hold little appeal to me. Unfortunately, there is a restaurant which I used to frequent under three kilometers from where I am sitting, that makes absolutely delicious (and sinful) wings. According to their website (www.montanas.ca):

    “Dusted twice and cooked to a crispy finish. Try ’em sauced up just how you like ’em. Served with your choice of dipping sauce and carrot sticks. 390-410 Cals/serving, serves 2”

    That sounds pretty reasonable, doesn’t it? Until you realize that the 8 wings is not 410 calories, rather it is 820 calories, because they are saying that this order serves two. Would someone please tell me what self-respecting (or not) glutton with a food addiction and a particular predilection for Buffalo Wings is sharing this dish with anyone? Nay, pray bring forth the double portion, and if my table mates wish to taste them, they can bloody well get their own! 1,640 calories of deliciousness for myself!

    By the way, the same page of the same website is advertising their cheese nachos at 470 calories/serving… but oh yeah, that order serves four people, so the plate is 1,880 calories. Unlike the wings, this is a huge plate, and likely will be shared… by two or maybe three people, as long as they are planning on a good main course.

    Just like there are social drinkers and solitary drinkers, likewise there are social eaters and solitary eaters. There was a time when I would try to maintain a sheen of decorum… I would eat reasonably in company, and when I was alone, I would go wild. I do not know when that stopped; I do know that after I started my diet, Leslie mentioned to me that she was surprised by how much I was able to eat before. On a number of occasions, I took her to a pub for dinner, and we would devour a large pizza and a plate of wings. By we, I think you can guess who did most of the eating. No, I was no longer ashamed of my eating… or maybe I was, but I was not going to hide it anymore.

    I do not need to get into my car to go to the nearest fast-food restaurants to get a triple burger combo, or to the grocery store to pick up a large bag (or two) of chips. Of course, I probably would drive to either of those places if I was not actively trying to lose weight. There was a time when I would try to justify that ‘If I walk there, I will be burning off many of the calories I will be consuming there.’ No, Taz… according to www.mapmywalk.com, during the 5km walk that I did on Monday, I burned a total of 519 calories in fifty-six minutes. Extrapolating from that math, walking to Wendy’s and back (1.8km) would burn 186 calories… according to the website https://order.wendys.com, a Dave’s Double® burger (with cheese… they do not seem to list the without cheese option on their website) is 860 calories. A medium order of French Fries is another 350 calories. Assuming you add a bottle of water or a diet soda, you are still at 1,210 calories. If you burned 186 calories to get it, you are still over 1,000 calories.

    I have a diet buddy who was telling me just yesterday that she was going to visit some friends, and she was extremely nervous about the pressure she would feel to break her diet. That is very real for some people. It is difficult to say to someone, especially someone who is trying to be hospitable, that no, you do not want what they are offering. No, they cannot get you anything else. It is a bit easier when those people know that you are on a diet. It is just not everybody’s business that you are on a diet… or what diet you are on.

    There are several different responses you will get to the statement, “No thank you, I am on a diet.” These include:

    • You don’t know what you are missing!
    • Oh, come on… just one!
    • These aren’t too bad for you!
    • They are healthy!
    • You can diet tomorrow!
    • What else can I get for you then?
    • What diet are you on?
    • Dieting is bad. What you need to do is… <fill in the blank>.

    I will address these all individually.

    First of all, yes! I bloody well do know what I am missing. Do you think I got to be morbidly obese because I don’t know what really good food tastes like? I do not need to diet because I spent most of my adult life gorging on things that do not taste good.

    Just one is what we call ‘getting the ball rolling.’ Yes, it always starts with just one… and then there will be another one, and five more after that. We do not have the first one so that we cannot possibly have the second one.

    Whether something is bad for me or not does not mean that it is on my diet or not. That is for me to determine, and I do not want your help doing so.

    Avocados are healthy. They are also fattening. The fact that something is healthy also does not determine whether or not they are on my diet. Again, that is not for you to determine.

    Yes, I can diet tomorrow. I can also diet today, and that is what I decided to do. Do you know exactly how many days I said to myself ‘I will start my diet tomorrow?’ How many times did I say to myself, ‘I will just take today as a cheat day?’ I assure you, if we counted them all up, I would be slimmer than Ally McBeal.

    Please, do not get anything for me. I assure you that if I planned my diet properly, I will either eat what I feel I can from what you are serving, or I will not. I might have a meal replacement bar in my pocket, but that is not your concern. Whatever I am doing, any pressure that you might be applying to me is as unwelcome as it is unnecessary.

    If I wanted you to know what diet I was on, I would tell you about it. If I do not, then it is personal, and please do not try to pressure me into telling you.

    Yes, dieting is bad… we all know that moderation is the key. Healthy eating is the key. Eating a half a grapefruit before every meal is the key. Exercise is the key. Getting a good night’s sleep is the key. Walking is the key. Taking vitamins and supplements is the key. With all of these keys, pretty soon I am going to feel like the school janitor in the days before there were master keys. In the meantime, you do you, and let me do me. Is dieting bad? Trust me, so is being fat. Your advice is as useless as it is unwelcome.

    Do you see what I am getting at? There is temptation at every turn, and we cannot succumb to it. We got fat because we did. Is there really anyone on the planet who does not know that a diet of junk food and not exercising leads to obesity? We got fat because we were too weak to resist temptation. We are being strong now, and we do not need anyone’s help to falter. We know where temptation is, and if you think you are being helpful then I assure you that you are not.

    It is too bad that those around us who want to be helpful so often do not understand that unless we ask for their active support, the only thing they can do is to passively encourage us from the sidelines… and sometimes that will be from a distance. If they don’t understand, put it to them this way: When you are watching your favourite sports team losing a game, what can you do to help? Aside from cheering them on and encouraging them from the sidelines, there is nothing else you can do. Running onto the field of play is just not an option. Likewise, the coach does not need or want your advice. Cheer them on, encourage them… nothing else is helpful.

    Dieting is no different.

    Do not lead me to temptation. I know exactly where it is, and I will go out of my way to avoid it, if you don’t mind…

  • Day 93

    Yesterday was my first attempt (after my celebratory day on Wednesday) at preparing my large/hot meal for lunch. I also decided that rather than having a large salad with a can of salmon for dinner, I would have a meal replacement. My salads may be really tasty and healthy, but if you factor in the entire can of tuna, they are also easily a 500-calorie meal. Yesterday’s consumption consisted of:

    • A meal replacement shake in the morning.
    • Two pieces of chicken, plus a large salad at lunch.
    • A meal replacement shake in the mid-afternoon.
    • A meal replacement shake in the mid-evening.
    • A pot of coffee.
    • A lot of water.

    I might have been tempted to have more, but in truth I was quite satisfied by what I ate (and drank). I will try to repeat the same plan today and see how it goes after a couple of days.

    Despite all of that, my weight this morning was up slightly… but after the tremendous drop yesterday, that is no surprise. As long as the general trend is downward, I will take comfort in knowing that I am doing the right thing.

    It was a beautiful day yesterday, so one might think that I would have been easily found lounging on the balcony and smoking cigars. No, I can’t do that… the procrastination I have done over the last few weeks means that I am now down to crunch time with regard to creating the course that I have to deliver next week. I worked on it for a couple of hours, but I also had a lot of other things going on. Today seems to be a lovely day as well, but I will not be indulging today… not until this evening, possibly.

    Okay, I have been procrastinating long enough. It is time for me to try to get some work done.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Brains!

    Okay, the honest title of this article should be Breads! But then I would have to explain that it had to be spoken in the voice of the zombies from an episode of The Simpsons… and I hate having to spend three sentences prior to writing my article trying to explain the title. I hope you enjoyed this daily helping of irony.

    I do not remember during which of her visits Leslie made a large bread pudding, but it was likely either October or November. This was well before my diet, and I indulged… and I did not regret a single tasty morsel!

    To put into perspective how much she made: Despite her having frozen more than half of what was left after the second night of our enjoying it, I still indulged nightly for a week. There was a lot of bread pudding.

    For better or for worse, I forgot that it was there. As will happen so often in freezers around the world, the container made its way to the back, and was forgotten for months. If it had not been frozen in a Corning ware pot, it might have stayed there until I moved.

    I have a collection of Corning pots and pans, and all the square(ish) ones have lids. Last week I cleaned the kitchen in preparation for Passover, and I decided to relocate these pots and pans. As I did, I noticed I had an extra lid… strange.

    I spent a few days trying to figure out where it came from? Did my friends who gifted me the set give me an extra lid? I think I would have noticed that when I put everything away the first time. Did I (or someone else) break one? I could not think that would have happened… Had it been Leslie or my cleaning lady, they would have told me. The only other people who have been in my kitchen since I moved in are Lyle (who has never cooked for me in my kitchen) and Eduardo (who I’m not sure has ever cooked for me anywhere), and my kids… Aaron did make me a meal when I was laid up with my broken ankle, but I was in the kitchen with him the whole time and I would have noticed. The only thing Gilad ever makes in my kitchen is microwave popcorn. Not them.

    Friday was the first night of Passover, and while I did not have a Seder to go to, I was going to do my best to make it as well as I could. Unfortunately, the stores were closed that day, so I had to make do with what I had in the house. I reached into the freezer for the homemade chicken stock that Lyle had given me a few months ago and I saw it… right next to the frozen chicken stock was a Corning ware pot covered not with the iconic glass lid, but with aluminum foil.

    imageThe mystery of the extra lid was solved.

    Yesterday afternoon I pulled the dish out of the freezer so that I could throw out the contents and reclaim the pot. Aside from it being Passover, bread pudding is seriously not on my diet. It had to go! The only problem is that it was frozen solid.

    Lyle and Dorothy had Leslie and I over one day and they told us that someone was going to buy some of their Corning ware, but decided not to, citing that it was not microwave friendly. That has become a recurring inside joke. All joking aside, I did not want to microwave it for two reasons:

    1. Doing so would render my microwave treyf (no longer Kosher for Passover); and
    2. The magnificent aromas of the defrosting desert would make my mouth water and would likely be too great a temptation to resist taking even a little taste.

    I decided to let the pot sit on the counter overnight. Sometime today it would be sufficiently defrosted to throw out.

    In the meantime, for nearly fifteen hours, there was a very delicious, very naughty, very inviting desert just sitting there on the counter, ready for anyone to just dive into. It need not be a dive… just a taste of the sweet syrupy goodness would be sufficient, right?

    Let us ignore for the moment that from mast evening through early this afternoon, I was very much in the doghouse, and worried that I might never be allowed out again. The emotions in me – the wholly negative emotions that coursed through my veins – were saying ‘WHO CARES? Why bother dieting? Everything put together sooner or later falls apart, and you only live once so indulge and enjoy!’ Had I given in, I would have been done for.

    There is a quote from the television show The West Wing where Leo McGarry (brilliantly portrayed by the late John Spencer) says ‘I’m an alcoholic. I don’t need a good reason to <drink>.’ (Season 2, Episode 7) He also says, in an earlier episode (Season 1 Episode 13), in response to ‘You can’t have a drink?’ he replies: ‘The problem is, I don’t want a drink, I want ten drinks.’

    When I am at my best, when I am focused, when everything is well in the world, then I might (and only might) be able to take a taste and leave the rest. Last night and this morning I was nowhere near my best, and my focus was shot. Had I taken a taste of the pudding, I would have taken another taste… and after a few ‘who are we kidding?’ tastes, I would have abandoned all pretext and I would have taken a very large serving… or two.

    Have you ever had a battle of wits with a recently discovered Corning ware pot full of homemade treats? If you have, then you might be a food addict. I know I am.

    Shortly before 1:00pm, I got the call that made my heart soar. Leslie had forgiven me. It is much more complicated than just that, but the details are nobody’s business but ours.

    As I started cleaning up my dishes from lunch, I held open the kitchen garbage bag and emptied the tempting, sweet, gooey contents of the pot into it. HRF Princess Sophie helped me to tidy up the tiny bit that fell onto the floor. I immediately filled the pot with hot water and soap, and then sealed the garbage bag and walked it to the garbage room.

    It does not take much to defeat us. It is easy to give up. That is why we must celebrate and share our victories, so that others who might one day be in the doghouse with a pot full of bread pudding sitting on the counter can draw strength and courage to do the right thing… when the alternative would be so easy.

    There are days when I falter, fall, and fail. Today will not be one of those days. We have to remember that as a mantra for every day.

    Mitch and his diet: 1

    Temptation: 0

    Final Score… for now.

  • Day 92

    Yesterday was a day of triumphs, a day of celebrations. Yesterday was the day that one misguided conversation led to heartbreak.

    I left the doctor’s office slightly disappointed that while I achieved my goal of being under the maximum weight limit of their regular scale, I fell short of my semi-weekly goal of losing two and a half kilos per fortnight. Still, losing one pound per week is not the worst failure. I still hope I will lose more before the next visit.

    I think I mentioned yesterday that while I went through with my plans to celebrate that milestone with a steak, I opted to enjoy it for lunch, rather than my evening meal. It was far too big, and I have to start remembering that I cannot eat meals that big anymore. I did not vomit… but I did regurgitate a few times, which did give me relief. That will also, I hope, serve as a reminder in the future that I cannot eat meals that big, and that the consequences for doing so are unpleasant.

    The one bit of good that came out of that is that I did not have a second daily meal. My usual routine of late has been:

    • Morning: meal-replacement shake.
    • Lunchtime: a large salad (lettuce, tomato, & onion with a little oil and balsamic vinegar, and a can of salmon mixed in. Sometimes with pumpkin seeds).
    • Dinner: a piece of chicken or two, and a salad like at lunchtime, minus the salmon.
    • Evening: meal replacement shake.

    I have done reasonably well with this routine. Yesterday looked like this:

    • Morning: a handful of peanuts in the car after my visit to the doctor.
    • Lunch: a large rib steak, with a side of steamed cauliflower and carrots.
    • Mid-afternoon: another handful of peanuts.
    • Early evening: a meal replacement shake.
    • Late evening: a meal replacement bar

    Later in the evening, I reached for another meal replacement shake, but Leslie talked me out of it. She was right that I should not have had it. She misunderstood why I was going to have it (thinking it was emotional eating), but I had forgotten that I had eaten the meal replacement bar.

    In Israel, we would eat our heaviest meal at lunch, and have a lighter breakfast and dinner. Thinking back on yesterday, that might not be a bad plan for me going forward. This morning the numbers on the scale were in fact down from where they were yesterday morning. I am going to try to do that for a few days and see how it goes.

    HRF Princess Sophie woke me up at 5:00am, which she does by getting off the bed and coming around to look at me. Yes, this wakes me up. I got out of bed and started to get dressed, but she immediately climbed back onto the bed. Okay, maybe she was just a bit restless, and did not actually need to go outside. This happened again a few minutes later; when she repeated the whole routine (including getting back onto the bed) I decided she might just want to cuddle, and I held her as I went back to sleep. The third time (at 5:45am) I decided this was it… I got dressed and took her outside. We walked to the end of the block, she peed and sniffed (as she does), and we went back home to bed. This time, she stayed put until I was ready to get up.

    It is hard sometimes to walk the line between airing my feelings and keeping confidences. Without any intention to do so I hurt someone very important to me last night, and I am worried that person might not forgive me. I am in a fog of misery today, and I do not know if I will get out of it. I have a lot of work to do today so I hope I can… but this is painful. My two goals are to get through the day, and to not do any emotional eating. Wish me luck.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 91

    I am not buying huge quantities of chicken or fish and freezing them, mostly because I need to go to the supermarket every few days to get fresh vegetables. Otherwise, it would make a lot of sense to buy a freezer full of protein. I am not doing that… but with the prices going up up up, I suppose if I see a really good sale, I just might do that.

    This morning I am not only getting weighed at the doctor’s office, I am also going to the optometrist to get my eyes checked. It has been about a year, and I might need new glasses. Either way, when I get home, I will write it up. For now, my bathroom scale is once again being stubborn and uncooperative; despite its new location near the retaining wall, I got readings eight pounds apart. I hate the floors here.

    I am taking my coffee with me, but I am not going to have my morning meal replacement until after I’ve been weighed.

    —

    I was hoping to continue my recent pace of losing 2.5kg per fortnight, but it was not to be. I lost 2kg and was able to get weighed on the normal scale. I suppose that combines to be a non-scale victory about a scale!

    After my weigh-in, I drove to the optometrist. As I approached the door, a man holding his cell phone told me ‘I’m calling to let them know I am here.’ To which I replied that I was going inside to achieve the same results. Some people do not understand all of the new Covid procedures, and I understand that… but I am not going to wait outside while he figures them out.

    Sitting inside and waiting to be called in, the technician walked up to me and greeted me as Vince. I assured her that is not my name. She replied ‘Well, that is what your file says.’ I replied that if we could just make things up, I would at least be Hir Royal Majesty, King Vincent I. We all got a good laugh over this, and I was treated like royalty… or at least as well as anyone needs to be while having his eyes checked.

    Okay, jokes and anecdotes aside. I had promised myself that on the day that I was able to be weighed on the regular scale at the doctor’s office, I would reward myself with a steak dinner. I certainly did indulge, but I decided to make it a steak lunch. I went to the supermarket and selected a gorgeous rib steak. I also picked up chicken for the rest of the week, which has been properly separated and put into the freezer.

    Lunch was fabulous. The steak, accompanied by a bowl of lightly steamed cauliflower and carrots, was truly fabulous. It was also far too big, and I am glad that I decided to make it my early meal, which will give my body some time to digest it throughout the day. HRF Princess Sophie enjoyed the fat, but I went to town on the steak – which was far too big, but which I finished anyways. I will not be having another until I am below 300 lbs… and that might not be for several months yet.

    While I have some work to do, I might just go for a (slightly shorter) walk to try to burn off some of that steak before my evening class. I have also not yet decided, after the indulgence that was lunch, whether I will have another salad for dinner, or if I will stick to meal replacements instead. The way I am feeling now, I think that might be the prudent way to go.

    My eyes are still straining as I look at the screen… the solution the optometrist uses to dilate the pupils has not completely worn off yet. I think going for a walk, possibly with a cigar, might just be the order of the day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 90

    It is hard to believe that today is my ninetieth day on the program. I have not lost as much as I would have liked, but I have covered that before… I am not on the program religiously, but a modified program. Hey, losing nearly fifty pounds in ninety days is nothing to sneeze at, is it?

    Yesterday’s workout was great, but there is no question, you really do feel it later in the evening. I have a new diet buddy that read my article on Food Addiction and told me that she will now be reading my blog for encouragement. She also told me she would love to walk with me. I told her I would be delighted, but she would have to be able to maintain the pace that I was at yesterday. I do not want to make her feel bad if she cannot keep up. We all need to start out at our own pace.

    On much the same topic, yesterday was the best single-day views on my diet-blog, www.losingapartof.me. I find that on days when I share a specific (and topical) article with one of the Facebook groups that I am active on, I see a real spike in readership. How cool would it be if even twenty percent of those people subscribed… or at least read the blog on a regular basis!? All told, yesterday’s total views peaked at one hundred and seventy-nine… and while the majority were from North America, there were viewers from ten countries and six continents in total (although only one hit each from Asia, Africa, and South America)! Considering my average readership has been around 450 views per month, that is really exciting.

    I am proud of my weight-loss, but I am also proud of my writing. Knowing that there are so many people out there fighting the same fight that I am is heartwarming and being able to share with them is great. Don’t think for a minute that my current readers (especially my number one fan) are not enough for me… I write for myself, and hope that along the way, somebody thinks that what I wrote might be important or relevant to them. In the meantime, with all of the views yesterday, I only added one follower… which is exactly the same number of followers I added on the previous day.

    I would have preferred, after yesterday’s strenuous workout, to see the numbers on the scale down this morning. Alas, that was not the case. Instead, I am up half a pound. I am looking forward to my weigh-in at the doctor’s office tomorrow, where I can be assured of the accuracy of the scale. Until then, I have to suffice myself with the knowledge that if I am going to weigh myself every single day, then my body weight will not drop consistently every single day… and even days of perfect behaviour will often only show results a day or two later. That is the reality of life. That is among the myriad frustrations of dieting and weight loss.

    I am super excited that I have my ticket for Dallas booked. I got a frantic call from Leslie worrying that she did not have staples that I use daily, such as a coffee pot or an air fryer. I know she is just excited that I am finally coming to visit and wants me to feel perfectly at home. There are no problems, only solutions; When I first moved into my apartment, before I bought my Ninja coffee station, I bought a single-cup filter coffee filter which I will bring. As for the air fryer, I lived without one for what – forty-nine years? I can live without one for another week in June.

    The only cheating I did on the program yesterday was an extra meal replacement bar in the evening. I figure I burned a lot of calories on my walk, so an extra 160-calorie bar won’t hurt me. Still and all, the higher-than-yesterday weigh-in bothered me… and I have to remember that it was not a meal replacement bar that caused it.

    I have a lot of work to do today, and I am glad the temptations of good weather for sitting outside are completely absent from the forecast of the day. As HRF Princess Sophie and I took our morning walk, there were cars covered in yesterday’s snow – a true sign that the temperatures had not risen sufficiently to melt it. Additionally, while the wind was certainly blowing unpleasantly this morning, Environment Canada has issued a Special Weather Statement warning of strong winds and wind gusts for this afternoon and evening (with northwesterly winds gusting 70 to 80 km/h). All of that, I assure you, is conducive to my not going outside again today, other than to take my pup-princess for her evening walk. With my frustrations with technology abated (for the moment), I hope to be able to make good headway in putting together the slides for my upcoming class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Was it a Workout… or Two?

    I set out to go shopping this morning… on foot. It is the second time that I have done that since I started the program, and we are sixteen days since my last one. I have not worked out in that time.

    More than two weeks ago, upon returning from that first (grueling) walk, I wrote a piece which I titled: “But Was It a Workout?” I always find it important to keep track of my walks and eventually jogs so that I can push myself to do better than I did last time… even if I am just walking to the store.

    Granted, the store that I walked to today was 2.5km away. Like I did the last time, I paused my tracking when I walked into the store and restarted it when I started walking home again. I do not want my browsing the aisles (which I will obviously not do at an ‘exercise pace’) to skew my statistics.

    Here is the summary of today’s walk:

    · Distance: 5.00 km (4.02 km)

    · Duration: 56:00 minutes (50:05 minutes)

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 11:11 (12.16)

    · Steps: 6.3k (5.4k)

    · Calories burned: 519 (402)

    · Elevation gain: 14.1m (12m)

    · Average cadence (steps per minute): 114 (110)

    While this is only my second measured workout of the year, there is marked improvement in every measure. I put the previous workout in brackets. The workout was six minutes and one kilometer longer, my pace per kilometer was more than a minute less… all of that, with a heavy wind in my face on my trip back. Still and all, my worst kilometer this time (5th kilometer, 11m43s) was over 30 seconds faster than my best kilometer last time (1st kilometer, 12m16s). My best kilometer (2nd, 10m32s) was 1m44s better than my best kilometer last time.

    Improvement is expected; what is not tracked by my app is that my first time out, I made three stops. Today I made only one. As well, my last 2.5 km were done with five pounds of groceries in each hand.

    I have a long way to go until I get back to jogging, or even to my extremely respectable pace of walking. Hopefully by the summer I will be there. In the meantime, I am not at all upset about today’s workout. I just wish that I would not be so frustrated by other things when I came home!

    Getting back to the title of the article. The last time I went out for a measured walk, I made several stops, and so I asked myself if it was really a workout. Today I walked five kilometers, but was it a workout? It was really split pretty evenly into two 2.5km walks. I know that I was pushing myself from beginning to the end of each one. Maybe, instead of looking at it as a single 5km walk, I would have to split it into two 2.5km walks. Either way, I am happy with it. My feet were starting to feel it by the fourth kilometer, and I know I built up a sweat. Yes, it is a workout… or maybe it is two.

    As an added note: The last time I came back in, I noted to myself that I was not dressed appropriately. Today I was also inappropriately dressed… but differently. On my last outing, I wore my heavy winter jacket. Today, I wore a better jacket with a breathable shirt. Check! Instead of my felt hat, I wore a golf hat. The only thing that I did wrong was to wear my blue jeans. They are comfortable for everyday wear, but they are still pretty tight, and they are not the right pants to exercise in. I will make a note to change that up on my next walk.

    Although I accomplished none of the work I was planning to do today, I did manage to book my airfare to go to visit Leslie in June. By that point, she will have visited me seven times, and I really want to see where (and how!) she lives. I am really excited about it… although I am also nervous about something that has nothing to do with her or with flying. With any luck, things will go fine and there will be nothing to worry about.

    I just looked out the window, and it is snowing… I mean, really snowing. I thought the cashier at Fortino’s was crazy when she told me that it was going to snow later today; I suppose I owe her an apology. I will say that I am glad that I went out in the morning, rather than waiting until the afternoon. Yes, I have to take HRF Princess Sophie outside, but she will not want to spend more time outside in this weather than is absolutely necessary. After we come back in, I will start preparing dinner, and then to prepare for my evening class. Have a great afternoon/evening folks!

  • Food Addiction

    There is a difficult side to food addiction that most other addictions do not have. It makes it hard for people who are not addicted to understand it. It makes it difficult for people who are not overweight to ‘get’ why we don’t just cut down on our food intake. Eat less food = lose weight, right?

    If you are addicted to drugs, you stop doing drugs. That is not to belittle how incredibly difficult it is to get off drugs as an addict, but that’s how it works. The same thing with booze. “Hi, I’m Fred, and I’m an alcoholic. (Hi Fred!) It’s been 473 days since my last drink and…” While I have never been to an AA meeting, that is how they are portrayed in pop culture; I have to assume that at least one of the myriad screenwriters who have portrayed this scene has been to a meeting and is doing their best to convey them accurately. Whatever it might be that you are addicted to, by cutting it out and spending the rest of your life not doing it, then you have conquered your addiction.

    Food does not work like that. You cannot cut food out of your life. You need food to survive. Sure, you can cut certain types of foods out of your life… if you are addicted to sweets, you can to a great extent cut sugar out of your diet. You cannot cut food out completely.

    People see food addicts as weak, but the truth is that if we overcome our lifelong battle with obesity and do manage to get slim, then we are among the strongest people in the world. Alcoholics say that if they have just one more drink, they will go back to drinking. While this is always portrayed in pop culture, I have seen it firsthand, from people I know to be alcoholics. When I lose all of my weight, will I be able to just have a small order of whatever it is that I crave? I will have to… but it is more likely that I will have to avoid a lot of foods completely.

    In September 2020 I weighed 260lbs. I was at my lowest weight since I first became overweight after the Army. I had been doing so well. After an event at my synagogue, the rabbi invited the volunteers to join him for a l’chaim (a drink). That would never have gotten me. It was the other volunteer who brought homemade baked goods that she insisted we all try that was my downfall. I had one… then another, because they were there. We all left the event, and I went straight to the grocery store… to the prepared foods department, where I picked up a large order of fried chicken.

    For the previous six months, I had eaten properly. I was combining my meal replacements with a healthy diet of food that I cooked myself – mostly chicken and salad – and I had lost a tremendous amount of weight. It took a cookie to bring that all to an end.

    Food addicts cannot cut out all foods. We have to change our habits to those of moderation, and that is not an easy ask. We have to learn to say ‘Thank you, but no thank you’ when people offer us foods that are tempting, but which are not on our diet plans. Had I turned down that cookie, would I have gone off the program? Probably not… I know that had I not gone to pick up the fried chicken that night then my life today might be extremely different than it is.

    Now here’s the rub… How can I say all of this, and then turn around and say, ‘When I drop below this or that milestone, I will allow myself a cheat meal?’ Or ‘When we are on vacation, I am pausing the diet.’ How can I say these things, knowing what I know? I know that I have not beaten my addiction… but I also know that I have learned from my missteps and will fight like hell to do what I need to do. I know that yes, I have cheated… but every time I have, I have been able to get right back on track the following day. I know that I have the love of my life who will ask me (upon our return from Cuba next month) if I am back on the program… and if I say ‘No,’ she will encourage me to get back to it.

    I also say it knowing that I am nowhere near where I need to be yet. I am not talking about my weight; I am talking about changing my relationship with food. I am still a food addict and know that it would be simple for me to revert back into gluttony. I do not want to do that, and I will not let myself do that. Yes, when we are in Cuba, I plan to eat. No, I do not plan to gorge myself. I might bring healthy snacks for when there is nothing else available, but in truth there is usually something available that I can eat. In truth, the only food in Cuba that really will tempt me is the proteins – the chicken and seafood, mostly – and that you get one helping of at your meal.

    On the resort, we will mostly be eating at the buffet. By tempering what I take, and by loading my plates down with salads, I will be able to stay mostly on track. When we are in Havana or the town of Varadero, I will not go nuts… I would rather spend my money on great cigars than on decent food.

    Food addicts cannot cut our addiction completely out. We will spend the rest of our lives battling our demons and trying to keep our addiction in check. I have now lost the fight three times – I have been below 275-pounds three times in my life and gained nearly (or over) a hundred pounds three times. This time around, I plan to win, knowing that I can never really go off the program… not really. If I plan to win, then I will need to be aware of and careful with what I eat every day for the rest of my life.

    If only I were simply addicted to drugs…

  • Day 89

    I am ashamed to admit it, but I ate a bunch of crap last night. I had my dinner earlier than I should have, so my last shake of the night at about 7:30pm. I was not satisfied, so I added a meal replacement bar to the evening. I was still emotional, so I broke down and had a bag of popcorn.

    I won’t go into the details, but sometimes we get emotional, sad, or whatever… and we veer from the program. I only hope it does not happen too often. I really have to get a handle on my emotions and exercise self-control.

    I am fighting with Air Canada. I have a flight credit that dates to August of last year; they assured me that I would have an e-mail confirmation with the code in ten days. Six weeks later I had not received it, but I needed to use part of it, and after spending several hours on the phone with them, I was able to… and they assured me that within ten days I would receive an e-mail with the code for the balance. That was September 20, more or less. That is 209 days… slightly more than ten days, once again. I spent an hour on the phone with one of their agents who assured me (after nearly an hour) that within ten days I would receive an email about it. I told him that his company was lying, as they have historically lied about this issue. Try as I might, he would not let me speak with a supervisor or manager. I am absolutely furious.

    My stress- and emotion-eating could have been worse. I was really tempted, especially after drafting my complaint letter to Air Canada, to go out and pick up… something. I don’t know if it would have been wings or a steak or whatever… it couldn’t be a pizza because of Passover, but it could have been a lot of things. I do not know what stopped me… other than knowing that I am going to the doctor’s office later this week, and I want to be able to reward myself after hitting that very important milestone; as bad as the crap that I ate was, it would only get worse if I didn’t stop.

    I do not know how it happened, but despite all that I ate over and above what I should be eating, my weight was down this morning. While it is still .4 lb higher than my best weight (last Tuesday), I was happy to be down nearly one full pound this morning. If I am able to maintain my rate of progress, then later this week I will be rewarding myself… with a steak.

    Yes, I said it. I have not had a steak since January. I told myself nearly a month ago that the day that I reach that milestone – losing enough to be able to weigh in on the doctor’s scale – that I would have a cheat day with a steak. I thought briefly about Buffalo wings or pizza or Chinese food… but all of those would have been too extreme. Yes, there are nearly 600 calories in an 10oz ribeye steak, which is more than I would eat in a meal on the program. It is a one-time reward… and I will enjoy it. I might wait until the weekend to enjoy it, but I will enjoy it nonetheless!

    I have some work to do today on the course I am writing for the end of next week, and this evening I have class. Somewhere between this and that I have to go shopping… I am out of vegetables, but that’s about it. Maybe I will take the opportunity to go for a good walk, which I have not done since my first 10,000 step day a few weeks ago.

    Have a great day!

  • Pride of Dress, Pride of Progress

    My absolute worst weight ever – eighty-nine days ago – proved that I had, for a time, given up. I had no pride in my appearance, and for several months had not cared enough about myself to rein in the bad habits that come so easily to me. Of course, a broken ankle did not help… but I was in a bad way. My stomach hung out from nearly every shirt that I owned, all of which were tight fitting.

    I am now down a little over forty-five pounds, and while I still have little reason to be proud of my body, I am proud of the progress that I have made. I know that one day I will once again have pride in my appearance.

    This morning I got dressed after my shower, knowing that HRF Princess Sophie was pressed to go outside for her morning walk. I checked the weather, and then I grabbed the next shirt on my shelf of long-sleeve XXXL shirts. We went for our walk.

    I should mention at this point that not all shirts are made equally. I am not talking about quality, but rather of sizes. While that is less prevalent where the measurement is a number (a size-42 pair of pants will have a bit of range, but they will all be approximately the same), but when the sizes are L-XL-XXL and so on, there is a huge range. Most of my XXXL shirts fit me quite well now. The one that I picked off the shelf yesterday definitely did not. My belly hung out of it, and there was no amount of tucking it in that was going to hide my stomach for long.

    Eighty-nine days ago, I would have thrown up my hands and said, ‘Oh well!’ That is not what I did this morning. The shirt did not fit… but it will. That might take a couple of weeks or a couple of months, but the bright pink Under Armor shirt will fit properly one day and soon. It does not yet, so I took it off, and picked out the next shirt from the same pile. Ironically, it was also an Under Armor shirt in the same size. It fits perfectly.

    I am done wearing clothes that do not fit. I am happy to wear clothes that are a bit tight, but if it will not hide my belly then I am not wearing it.

    I still do not have a lot of pride in my appearance, but Leslie loves what I look like, and she is so proud of the progress I have made. She will continue to support me in my weight loss. My girlfriend deserves to have a boyfriend who takes some pride in his appearance, and dresses appropriately. There are so many days when I do not feel that I deserve such a beautiful woman as her, and I am not going to let a day pass when I do not show her the respect to be the best boyfriend that I can be. The day that I do that, I will truly not deserve her.