Losing a part of me

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  • Day 10

    I will spare you the ‘what I read in my previous journal’ wisdom today… the entry is not long or impressive, nor in any way insightful.

    I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleased with the number. When you are on an extreme plan such as this one, there are going to be days with multi-pound losses… especially at the beginning. Today’s drop was about 3.4 lbs, which is good… except that I still do not trust the scale because of the lack of stable integrity of the floor on which it sits. The first place I had placed it showed me down over fifteen pounds (from yesterday, not overall), which while impressive is not realistic. There are people who like to just hear good no matter the voracity of the statement. I refer to that as ‘blowing sunshine up my bum.’ I would rather have the real skinny (pun intended as an afterthought) rather than the fake pipe dreams.

    Last night, my girlfriend and I (she beams every time I call her out) spent some time sorting my pants by size. In the end, I had four buckets: Size 44+ (current), Size 42, Size 40, and Size 38/36. I placed each into a clearly marked bag, and then placed all of the ‘not yet’ size bags into a plastic storage bin. The ‘current’ sizes went into my armoire. I should mention that I denote it as 44+ because there are a couple of pair of Size 46 that I suspect are cut quite small and might actually fit for a few weeks. I will try them on this morning to see. If they are too large, they will go into a new group I hope to create and grow soon: the ‘these are too big for me’ sizes. Sometime over the next few days, we will go through the same process with my shirts, which will need to be broken down into more categories (long sleeve, short sleeve, collar vs. no collar, etcetera). Knowing now that she has a little something for men’s’ clothing, it will not be too hard to convince her to help!

    Fitness is going to play a big part in my weight management strategy, and it is odd that I have not made any mention of it yet. By Day 10 in previous journals, I had discussed long walks I had gone on, or plans to make use of my gym membership. Because of the pandemic the gyms are currently closed (or extremely limited). With the windchill it is currently -28°C outside, and because of a recent injury I am walking on a bad leg. I call this all out because I want to be clear that I will start walking soon. Yes, I am taking Princess Sophie out for her walks, but at these temperatures she does not want to go very far either. I will wear my fitness watch… but I have not been wearing it religiously these last few weeks.

    What I will say regarding my fitness watch, which I have put on a few times, is that the band is much larger on me than it was. No, it has not stretched; my wrist has shrunk noticeably with the diet. Woohoo!

    My plans for today are the busiest I’ll have had since the diet started: this morning my diet buddy came by to pick up her share of the product I picked up yesterday. It was the first time we had met, which is cool because it feels like we know each other so well. Princess Sophie is always excited when someone she has never met before greets her by name… it reminds her that she is famous, if only ‘Internet Famous.’

    In a couple of hours, I will drive out to Strathroy, which is a two-hour drive from here. I have a godson (Douglas) and a goddaughter (Cynthia) who live out there (with their parents, of course) and I have not seen them since Canadian Thanksgiving. I was supposed to go there for Christmas, but they were all sick. I was supposed to go there a few weeks ago, but there was a potential Covid exposure, and the mom had to quarantine. Today, everyone is healthy, and it will be great to see them all again. Amanda will be disappointed that I told her not to prepare food for me because of my diet… she knows that I love her cooking, and that is one of the ways she shows she loves her people. I will not discuss the Thanksgiving turkey dinner that she prepared… but it was out of this world! I am thrilled that I will be able to see my friends… who really are family! (Cheat note: If you have a friend that you want to be able to legitimately call family, make them the godfather (or godmother) to one or all of your children!)

    If there was going to be a dinner involved, I would likely have stayed there all evening… but as there is not, I will take my leave around 5:30pm, and drive to Cambridge to see another friend. He is a good buddy who has had some difficult times with anxiety over the last few months, and I like to check in on him every few weeks. Usually, it is as his place of work (which is much closer to home than Cambridge), but this is not only en-route, but he also has a heated garage/man cave/cigar lounge. It was he and his buddy (another friend of mine) who helped to bring my new humidor from the previous owner’s house (yes, my humidor is that big that it took two men with a pickup truck to transport) a few weeks ago. While I did gift them each a handful of cigars for their efforts, it was too cold to smoke here, so we will enjoy a cigar together this evening (one of mine, I promise) to thank them once again for their efforts.

    All in all, today will involve at least four hours of driving, in addition to several hours at friends’ houses who will all a) try to feed me, and b) have food out and about for everyone else, as I am the only one on this crazy diet. I will have to make it my primary mission to redouble my willpower, and to not succumb to any temptations. What I might do, when driving from Strathroy to Cambridge, is to try to find an all-beef sausage somewhere… or better yet, just a package of almonds. I will only do this if I really feel my resolve weakening. Hopefully, I will be able to get through it all without veering from the program. Just in case, I will take an extra meal replacement bar with me… which truly would be the best possible way to address the need to ‘cheat.’

    In summary, today cannot help but to be a great day for friends and stuff… but for it to be a great (and successful) diet day will depend entirely on me, and my willpower. As with so many things in life, today will be what I make of it.

  • Temptations and Cravings

    I am just back from going to pick up a haul of meal replacements (regrettably all shakes). I now have some 185 meal replacements more than I did an hour ago, which will be split between me and my diet buddy. They are irrelevant to the point of this piece.

    Driving to where I was meeting the person, I passed a fast-food chicken restaurant that I have often craved. I looked at it for a very quick second and then said, ‘not today.’ I considered it a minor victory.

    Here’s the problem: A few weeks ago, I picked up a meal from this very same restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, it still tastes good… but it was greasy, both the French fries and the salads were terrible, and within an hour of a reasonably sized meal I was… well, if not actually sick, then maybe sick adjacent. I was nauseous for sure. Although I had enough chicken and salads left over for another meal, I wrapped it all up and walked it to the garbage room. Within fifteen seconds of seeing the sign, I remembered this very recent event, and was glad the craving passed.

    Driving home, I passed by another outlet (same chain, different store). For a brief moment, I had those same cravings. Their special recipe of herbs and spices (still not naming the restaurant) is not only tasty, but it has also been carved into my aware for so many years.

    Shortly after I moved to Israel, I was living in Rishon LeZion and working in Holon. At the end of the day, I would take an Eged bus home, and it would drive right by the mall (which I believe was called Canyon Zahav, or Golden Shopping Centre). One day while driving by I noticed a sign that read (in Hebrew): NOW OPEN! <The southern fried chicken restaurant>. On many occasions I would get off the bus, pick up a bucket, and dinner was served. I would then get back on the bus for the remainder of the ride home. This was certainly inconvenient… but I loved the food so much!

    I was reminded again just a few weeks ago that I do not love the food anymore… and even if I did, it certainly does not love me. So why is it that as I pass it by, I cannot help but think – even fleetingly, before my rational mind kicks in – how nice it would be to stop in for lunch.

    The same goes for fast food hamburgers. I love a good burger, but between stopping at either McDonald’s or Wendy’s or Harvey’s or A&W (trying to name as many as I can so that I do not appear to be focusing on any one chain), or stopping at the grocery store and picking up some ground beef and vegetables and buns to make my own burger… the burger that I make will be far superior to all of these (not to mention healthier). Then why is it that when I see the arches or the redhead my mouth starts to water?

    I suspect the answer to this question is twofold:

    1. Between the billions of dollars that these chains have spent on marketing over the years, and the fact that I really like the food (or at least I once did), it is not unreasonable that when I see them my initial thought is longing, rather than disgust.

    2. None of these restaurant chains came up with their menu, image, and branding in a vacuum. They hired experts – including scientists who have done studies on what colours make people hungry, and what sounds and smells make them lower their food-related inhibitions.

    3. Many of the ingredients in the foods they serve actually are addictive. I’m not saying that any of them put cocaine or nicotine into their foods… but salt and sugar are addictive.

    When I have reached the end of my weight loss journey, I will have to remember that it is only the beginning. I remember when I earned my first Black Belt, my Master congratulated me and told me, ‘Now you can start learning martial arts.’ The belt was not the goal; it was a small stop on what would be a lifelong journey. When I reach a weight where I am happy with myself, I will no longer be replacing food with meal replacements… but I will still be on a lifelong journey, and every day for the rest of my life I will have to weigh the consequences of everything that I put into my mouth.

    They say that learning a new language is much easier if you do it as a child. I suspect that learning good nutrition is easier as a child too, and I wish I had learned it. By now it would be second nature, and not something I have to consciously think of every day.

  • Day 9

    As I was walking Princess Sophie, I realized that today is one of those ‘holy-crap-degrees-below-zero’ days. Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of time outside, so she did her business quicker than usual, and then we went back inside. There will be no sitting on the patio for a cigar today… not with the wind chill at -25°C.

    I do have to go out, and that is directly related to the program. I am meeting a woman to buy her leftover product, which I will split with Julie. I also have to buy a couple of things at the pharmacy, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I need. As soon as I do, I will make a note in my phone and that will be that.

    Aha! As soon as I opened the Notes app on my phone, I remembered… and it might have to do with the program. I realized as I was lecturing last night that my lips were dry and chapping. I need lip balm! How is this diet-related, you ask? One of the effects that the clinic told us about (the first time I went through the program) was that many people will experience dry skin. Considering the amount of water I am drinking in a day this seems surprising, but it is true. In fact, as we were chatting last night my girlfriend mentioned that my skin looked dry, and that I should be moisturizing. I am, but obviously not enough… and not consistently.

    Reading back on my previous journal, on Day 9 I was focused on my schedule… I wanted to make sure I had every meal replacement exactly at the right time, else I might dive into a bucket of chicken wings. This time around I am more focused on a smooth day, and fitting my meal replacements around my schedule, rather than planning my day around the meal replacements. While I believe that a well-planned schedule will help me with my food issues, I also have to break this notion that my life revolves around food. Leslie and I were speaking a few nights ago and she told me she forgot to eat dinner. I still have no understanding of how someone can forget to eat. I have made food such a huge priority for so many years, the notion is simply anathema to me. To wit: There was an evening this week when I was teaching, and following the late break we came back, and I realized within a few minutes that I had not eaten my meal replacement (that had been timed for that break). Feeling weak, I took another short break so that I could eat it. I look forward to the day when I can skip it… and laugh it off.

    I have now completed eight days of the diet, and I am feeling quite well. Aside from the fact that I have lost some weight, I am just generally feeling okay. That is important, because it means that my body has adjusted to the drastic change from over 4,000 calories per day, down to 800 calories per day. The human body has a remarkable ability to tell us what it wants and what it needs. People laugh at the strange cravings of pregnant women, when the cravings are their bodies (and their unborn child) telling them what nutrition they need. I do not claim to know why so many crave pickles and ice cream, but there is something there.

    I mention that because while my body did spend a few days lagging for lack of carbohydrates, once the ketosis set in (the process in which the body uses its own fat stores as an energy source, rather than food ingested) my body has not been screaming that it needs anything that it is not getting. I have not truly craved anything… although there have been some foods that I would have liked to have, I have not had this deep need for anything. If I had wanted to cave, there are several food stuffs in the house that would have been attacked. You see, while I surrendered most of my foods to a buddy, I still have a bag of almonds, a bag of white chocolate chips, a brick of aged cheddar cheese, and a chocolate bar in the kitchen. All of these should be gone… whether by giving them away, or by me giving in to temptation. The fact that I have not really been tempted by any of them is a good sign.

    I want to clarify the last bit. Yes, I would love to dive into that cheese, or any of the other goodies that I have on hand. I suspect that the main reason I have not is simple: right now, I want to not be fat anymore. I want that more than I want the cheese or the chocolate. I do not want to be the fat, disgusting guy who has his belly sticking out of his shirt. I want to be slim, if not thin. I want to be wearing the slimmer clothes that I have (which would still not mean I am slim, but slimmer) that look so much better than all of the fat clothes… no matter how much Leslie loves me and is attracted to me as I am. I love that she is attracted to me… but I want to find myself attractive too. I am well over 100lbs away from that being the reality.

    So yes, I want food… but right now I want to not be fat more than I want any food… no matter how delicious it might be.

    Going into the weekend, I will be making the drive to visit my godson and goddaughter tomorrow, which is a schlep… but they are worth it! Cam and Amanda are surprised that I won’t be eating (and knowing Amanda she is a bit disappointed to not be preparing a meal for such an appreciative guest), but I explained that I am on an extreme weight loss program. It is extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of my usual soups, I will bring a couple of protein bars; they are just more portable, and easier to eat in the car if that is how the timing works. In the past, when making long road trips, I have occasionally bought a beef jerky or similar snack when stuck, so if I do have a real need for extra protein (or if I end up staying later and am short of meal replacements) that would be an option. I hope it does not come to that, but if I need to…

    Time to hit the road… Have a great day!

  • Meal Replacements, and ‘The Program’

    I have gone out of my way to not name the program that I am following for several reasons. My blog and my journal are not meant to be an endorsement of one particular product; rather, they are intended to share with others who might be going through a similar experience, possibly on a different program, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Studies have shown that people going through a similar journey are likely to experience similar emotions and thoughts, and hopefully this journal might help someone.

    With that said, the program that I am on has two variations. In Canada, you are provided with four (4) meal replacement shakes per day. Each one is 225 calories and is meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs… and no more. Nine Hundred (900) Calories per day. In the United States, you are provided with five (5) meal replacements per day, which can be either shakes, soups, or protein bars. Each one is 160 calories and is also meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs, and no more. Eight Hundred (800) Calories per day.

    I have never been clear on why there is a difference, but I am sure it has to do with regulations at the FDA versus the Canadian version of the FDA. I have successfully done the program twice… once in Canada, and once in the USA. Yes, after the program was done, I fell off the wagon, but that’s not the point. Both programs can work.

    In 2017 as I started the program the first time, I was nervous that the shakes-only diet would be untenable. How wrong I was! It did not take long for me to become quite happy with them, to the point that at one point during the program I spent a week on an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, and I was not tempted to break my diet once.

    In 2019 as I embarked upon the program the second time, my doctor in California told me that the program had much better variety – not only were there strawberry shakes (in addition to the chocolate and vanilla that Canada had) – there were also three varieties of soups, and three variety of protein bars. I told him point-blank that I was not interested. I learned in the Army that the best way to ensure someone makes the right choice is to give him little or no choice. I had made it through twelve weeks of the program on only chocolate shakes once, and I was going to try to do the same again.

    It was only when the doctor’s office did not have any of the chocolate shakes in stock that I had to branch out and try the other products. I was glad that I did. It was easy to create a regimen where I had a shake for breakfast, a soup for lunch, a bar for the afternoon and evening snacks, and a soup for dinner. That routine worked very well for me.

    I stopped the program at a certain point, but I still had several cases of the meal replacements left. When I relocated back to Canada, they came with me. They sat on a shelf in the pantry for several months, but they were here. When I decided to start the program again (Thanks Julie!) I did not have to go looking for them, I knew exactly where they were. I had about a three-week supply… still on the American (800 calories) program. I have bars and soups… and yes, I have shakes too.

    In two weeks, I will be out of the American product, and I will be forced to resume using the Canadian product. I am not at all concerned with the jump from 800 to 900 calories. I suspect that it will be a very long time before my body stops losing weight consuming under 1500 calories per day… let alone 900. What concerns me is that I grew used to the variety of the meal replacements, knowing that if I was tempted by someone eating a chocolate bar that I too could grab a chocolate bar… even though it was not the same sugary snack as his, it was still good enough, within the confines of the program.

    It is funny that I am having the exact opposite fear now as I did in 2019. Back then, I was afraid that if I did not stick to the shakes, I would succumb to the temptation. Today I am afraid that if I am limited to only having the shakes, I might succumb to the temptation.

    How things change!

    This afternoon, Julie and I are meeting with a woman who purchased all of her shakes and then decided this program is not for her, and so she is selling them. We are buying for sure. I just wish she was selling the bars and even the soups as well. No such luck.

    I might end up ordering some of the bars from the USA. My girlfriend lives in Dallas, and she has offered to let me ship them to her, and then she can send them to me. I am seriously considering it. Maybe not the soups, maybe just a case of the protein bars. The size of the case of six boxes of the soups is much larger, heavier, and more expensive to ship than the bars. I don’t know… I’ll decide today.

    I might just give it a go, two weeks from now, without the bars or soups, and see how well I manage.

    I will say this… if I feel that I am going to falter, I am going to find a way to get those bars and/or those soups, despite the fact that the American prices seem to be much higher than the Canadian ones. I think my success on the program is worth the cost.

  • Day 8

    I made it through the first week. If I go with my instinct and use my guesstimate as my starting weight, then I am down nearly 15lbs. Not quite as much as the last time I did the program, but respectable, nonetheless. It has not been easy… but it has not been that difficult either.

    This will be my last mention of the guesstimated starting weight. Going forward, I am going to assume that it was right, and go from there.

    Today’s journal entry from the previous attempt discusses a number of themes, but the most important of them is my addiction to food. There, I said it.

    Hi. My name is Mitch, and I am an addict. It has been seven whole days since I last ate, and it has been difficult. There are temptations, but so far, I have been able to overcome them with willpower. I have to keep at it, fighting every day. I know it would be so easy to have an almond, or a handful of almonds. After all, even the doctors tell us that almonds are healthy. But what normal person wants just one almond… or even a handful? I have a bag of almonds in the house, and any healthy person would open the bag, and finish them. No, that is not what a healthy person would do. That is what an addict would do, and that is why I am leaving the bag of almonds high atop the shelf in the pantry.

    I discussed that I was a bit scatter-brained when I did the program. I do not know if that is the case now… I feel like I am mostly on the ball. With that said, yesterday I took a certification exam, and as I prepared my laptop in the ‘kitchen exam centre’ I forgot to bring the power adapter, and my computer died partway through the exam. I cannot understand how I forgot something so basic as a power adapter, especially knowing the age of my computer. If I am not quite scatter-brained, then maybe I am also not completely on the ball.

    I discussed the Jewish holidays, and how, at the time, I had forty days until the next one. I mentioned it because Jewish holidays often include a feast. The first time I went through the program, I started it eleven days before the Passover Seder, one of my favourite feasts. It was the only time in my life that I had to excuse myself from the meal, sequestering myself in a quiet room so as to not be tempted by… everything. Passover that year started on Day 11 of my diet, and I had not even come close to building up the resistance and strength that I needed to sit and watch everyone eat what I wanted so badly to eat, knowing that it was so simple to reach out and take a piece of this or that. This year, the first night of Passover is April 15, fully seventy-eight days from today (and Day 86 of my journey). If I am invited to a Passover Seder this year (and I am not entirely sure I will be), it will be easier to resist… or to temper my gluttonous urges.

    I discussed the temptations around me. I was working in an office with a number of vending machines, in addition to the food trucks that were constantly parked downstairs. I compare that to now, knowing that I do not go out of the house much, except to walk my dog. If that in normal times would sound like a hermit’s lifestyle, we are not living in normal times. It was two years ago yesterday that the first confirmed case of COVID-19 was discovered in Canada; unless you are reading this article twenty-five years in the future, you know that we have been in and out of lockdown and have been encouraged to practice social distancing. While I did not do a good job of it until now, I am doing it very well now. I am working from home (both during the day, and in the evenings), so aside from taking Princess Sophie out and the occasional errand, I am home most of the time.it is easier to avoid temptation that way for sure.

    Owing to other factors that distracted me, I neither tried on those pants yesterday, nor did I separate my clothes by size. I did put the pants on this morning though. They are a bit tight, but they fit, and I am wearing them comfortably. That tells me that I am making progress, and that I am at least back to the body size I was three months or so ago. I hope that I can keep going, and that in a month these pants will be too big to wear. Baby steps, right?

  • Day 7

    If I get through the day, I will have made it through a full week. I am excited, elated, but most of all I am relieved. I know that the hardest part is actually getting started. To quote from my previous weight loss journal: “My diet is becoming more of a habit than a chore.” Okay, that is paraphrasing… but as the original author I hereby grant myself that permission and license.

    The problem between then and now is that the numbers on the scale are not dropping like I did last time. On Day 7 in 2019 I wrote that I had lost 16.8lbs thus far. As I cannot rely on the accuracy of my bathroom scale at my present weight, it is possible that I am on the same pace… but if I were to trust the numbers as they have recorded, I am well under that. Even with my guesstimate being where it is, I am down under 13lbs this morning. While that is a respectable (if not amazing) first week loss, I cannot help but long for the bigger surge lost last time.

    I am feeing better than I did a week ago. Both sitting at my desk, and when I was out walking my dog, I feel somewhat more comfortable in myself. That might all be in my head, and it could be that my knee is getting better… or it could be that I am suddenly walking about with 10lbs less of a load, and by any measure that is significant.

    I got through my class last night on three lozenges, spread throughout the five hours. I made a couple of timing mistakes, but they worked out well, and I ended up giving the class two 15-minute breaks on top of their 30-minute dinner break instead of one. The problem was that at the end of the last break I started the lecture, and ten minutes later I realized I had not had my last meal replacement… and I was hungry and sluggish. Rather than trying to soldier through (which would have meant eating that last meal replacement at 11:45pm), I told the class I needed a quick bio-break, and I snuck off camera to eat the last bar. My water intake for the day was good too…

    Midway through the afternoon, I realized that I was hungry. It was literally just ninety minutes after my lunch shake. I actually sat down and wrote a blog article about it (Hunger), and how I decided to not cheat, rather I went outside, braved the cold, and smoked a cigar. Even under the heater I had to bundle myself up and keep my gloves on, but the cigar accomplished its goal… I forgot my hunger and resumed my meal replacement schedule on track. I will consider that a big win for Day 6.

    My diet buddy told me this morning that she is not doing as well. She had a bad day yesterday, but has not elaborated on it, other to say that her head is not in it. She is a teacher and will not be available to talk until the end of the day, but I am going to try to get her on the phone and see what I can do to support and encourage her.

    I posted just yesterday that my first goal is to comfortably wear a pair of pants that don’t fit. I am going to try them on today. If I have lost 15lbs then they I should at least be able to close the buckle, if not actually wear them comfortably. We’ll see. I suppose I should make it a priority to go through all of the clothes that I have and sort them by size, so that as I do start to shrink, I can simply grab the next bin, rather than constantly having to rummage through things. I might do that today.

    No rest for the wicked… time for me to actually start being productive! Have a great day everyone!

  • Hunger

    It is 2:30pm on Day 6, and I am hungry. I had my first meal replacement around 9:30am and then my second at 1:00pm, which means I am not due for my next one until 4:30pm… but I am hungry. Crap.

    I am not sitting around bored today. I have work to do, and I am also making notes for my class this evening. This would be worse if I was bored. What should I do?

    Since I have not taken a real lunch hour today, I am going to see how windy it is outside. If it is not too bad, I might have a cigar. The temperature (on my phone) is reading -6°C with a windchill of -12°C, but as I discussed in an earlier article, those are the measurements down by the water. If it is not too uncomfortable, I think I’ll bundle myself up, make a hot cup of coffee, and sit outside with a cigar.

    I could easily add another protein bar. If I cannot take my mind off of my hunger then I might do that. What I am hoping to do though is to make eating my last resort, rather than my go-to solution to make things better.

    I’m still drinking a lot of water, but I do not think that I have had nearly as much today as I have the last couple of days. I wonder if that might be one of the reasons for my hunger. Before I go outside I’m going to take a big glass full and see if that helps at all. Of course, before I go outside I will also relieve myself, so that I don’t have to do so fifteen minutes into my cigar.

  • Day 6

    While I did not really have trouble on the program yesterday, I did have to veer slightly. I am teaching classes in the evenings, which has me lecturing five hours straight. By 9:00pm my voice was faltering (a sign of either exhaustion or coming illness). I have a package of lozenges that got me through the evening, even though I know that they are heavy with sugar. I did not look it up last night, but today I see that they have 3g of carbohydrates, with 2g of sugar… each. I do not remember if I had three or four drops, but that means either 6-8g of sugar. I did not have a choice, and it is a very small price to pay for being able to speak. I will not consider it a cheat and will have them ready for this evening.

    My new water bottle arrived, and it is indeed much more comfortable. For one thing it is lighter – the insulation of the old one had it weighing in at over 2lbs. It was also thicker. My new bottle can be easily gripped in one hand. Additionally, as it is not insulated, there are no issues with filling it up in the evening and letting it chill overnight.

    Reading through my previous journal, aside from being stressed at work, I sound pretty positive. I had lost nearly fifteen pounds through the first six days and was excited that I was going to be able to succeed. How right I was… it is the long-term maintenance that I have to work on. It also mentioned that my attitude and mood seemed to be better, which means that the ketosis set in. That is the process by which your body starts to burn its own fat for energy, rather than the sugar (and other starches and carbs) that we eat. I will say this… if my body is going to burn its own fat, there is certainly a lot of fuel for it! Burn baby, burn!

    Today is Robert Burn’s Day. It celebrates the life and poetry of one of the great Scottish poets. My buddy Lyle, a master chef, just told me that were it not for my diet he would have invited me over for the feast. I admit that while I am not crazy for haggis, it would have been great to see him and his wife. I am sure we will have opportunity over the weekend.

    Speaking of the weekend. I am not going anywhere this weekend, but I have been giving some thought to taking a drive to Montreal next weekend. It’s been a while since I’ve seen some of my friends, and I would love to get away for a bit.

    The numbers on the scale this morning were only very slightly down from yesterday. One thing that I will have to account for with the scale, believe it or not, is the quality (and stability) of the floor under which my bathroom scale sits. I remember this was an issue in my apartment in California, and I had to make sure the scale is on the most solid floor possible. This is not only because of my weight (although I suspect that if I weighed less, it would be less of an issue). When I moved in, one of the issues my landlord discussed with me was several areas of the floor that are not completely level/balanced/even. As such, I realized yesterday that I have to move the scale before I weigh myself. While I suspect my weigh-ins from yesterday and today are more accurate, I suspect that my original weigh-in, as well as the next few days, were more inaccurate than I thought.

    First goal:

    In October I bought two pair of pants which did not fit me by mid-December. I am hoping that by next week I will be able to wear them again.

    I am in Facebook Jail for the day, which means that I will be less distracted than I might be. I am going to study for an exam – I want to sit the exam for the class that I am teaching, not to validate that I know it, but to be able to guide my students as to what to expect. Maybe I should ‘violate community standards’ (spoiler alert: I didn’t) more often!

  • Day 5

    I am more than halfway through the first week of my diet. Woohoo!

    Yesterday was a pretty good day, owing partly to the fact that I was able to smoke cigars (which I had not expected). I was also really pleased that my friend came over, as it is nice to spend time with him. When I went on the program the first time around, he was one of very few people who knew about it and knew most of the details. He was supportive then, and I am sure he will be supportive once again.

    I got to the end of the day, and I was a bit hungry, and could have done with another protein bar. I decided against it, making it the fourth day in a row that I was able to make it to the end without cheating. I feel quite accomplished for it, as I know how hard it is… and that I had only given myself about a 30% chance of making it through one week. Knowing that I am now more than halfway through the first week feels good.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she faltered. I talked her through it and told her that the next time she feels week and tempted she should call me. She promised that she will. Unfortunately, as I was told at the bariatric clinic where I first went through the program, the statistics of people sticking to the program, and then keeping the weight off long-term, are not good. If both of us succeed that will mean that in our very small sampling, we have a 100% success rate. I hope we do both succeed… but I know that I am planning on it!

    Let’s review yesterday: I essentially worked all day, save for the 90 minutes Eduardo was here. My work project ended on a positive and successful note, which was certainly not a certainty. I was able to stick to my diet, and I drank in excess of 200oz of water. I definitely wore a path from my desk to the restroom.

    After two discouraging days, the scale this morning was finally down from yesterday… significantly. There are reasons (which I have mentioned) that we are discouraged from weighing ourselves daily. I am relieved that I was able to stay the course so that this morning the numbers would be positive.

    Numbers on the scale aside, I will not really consider myself to be making serious progress on the program until I feel more comfortable in my fat clothes. There is no reason that my belly should be hanging out of a 3XL shirt; when that’s over then I’ll start to smile about my progress.

    My Day 5 entry from 2019 shows that I was stressed at work, and that my ankle was bothering me in a Taekwondo class. I also spent a lot of time discussing how embarrassed I was that my belly was hanging out of a shirt. I suppose that correlation is pretty clear!

  • The First Cigars

    Of course, these were not my first cigars… but when my friend came over, we decided to brave the cold, and we were pleasantly surprised.

    I was worried that I would not be able to smoke cigars for a few weeks because of the cold and the wind, but as I suspected this morning it turns out that my local weather reporting is from the lake, and sitting outside for 90 minutes (while bundled up and with the heater on high) was quite comfortable.

    This is a real relief. It is not that I am addicted and needed the tobacco. I always enjoy cigars, but when the smoking experience is unpleasant, I simply don’t smoke. Unlike cigarettes, cigars are not addictive. My concern, as I stated earlier, is that while dieting – and especially in the first week or two of my diet – smoking a cigar is a good distraction to take me away from eating. It is now coming up to 4:30pm, and I have only had two meal-replacements today. I will have my next one as soon as I finish this entry, leaving me either three hours and three hours between this and the next and the last (which will take me to 10:30pm), or even 3.5 hours and 3.5 hours (which will take me to 11:30pm). While this might sound late to eat, I mentioned that I am working, and I might not be finished until 2-3am. We will see how things progress.

    My water intake has been good – I am nearly finished my second water bottle of the day, and I also downed another (smaller) bottle. To now, I am about 140oz of water into the day, which would be a fine daily consumption were I to stop now. I will not, of course, and will likely be closer to (if not over) 200oz on the day.

    If I did not have to monitor the progress of my server migration for work every 15 minutes, today would have been a very relaxing day!