Losing a part of me

Blog

  • Day 714

    It felt good to see my weight drop a couple of pounds after the last few days of ‘up, up, and stay same.’ If I can repeat everything that I did yesterday, then I should be able to shed a few more pounds this week. It was just a few days ago that I wrote that I hoped to get back to the weight I was when I came back from Dallas in November for my upcoming trip. That is no longer realistic, as I am 20 lbs. up from when I got home, and I am flying out in nine days. I have to stay on track, keep exercising, and stop cheating. That is what I did yesterday; I will try to do that again today.

    Last night I took a sleeping pill for the first time. I told my doctor that I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping and she suggested an antidepressant, but until they kicked in she also gave me sleeping pills. It was a relief to put my head down and fall asleep… and stay asleep all night. I might have even slept longer had I not forgotten to disable my alarm, but I suppose Her Royal Floofness wanted to go out, and it is a bad idea to stay in bed all day anyways… especially when I know that I am fighting depression, and that it would be so easy to wallow in it. No, I will not let the sadness encroach on my life!

    Today is a cold day indeed. I took The Princess out for her walk this morning wearing a sweater under my new winter jacket (and not the sleeveless vest I have been wearing most of the last couple of months. Even with that I was still cold – mostly owing to my not thinking to wear a scarf. I’ll pay closer attention to that on our next outing.

    I am teaching this evening but unless the wind dies down, I do not think I’ll be sitting on the balcony today. If it does abate then I will change that plan because my heater can protect me from the cold, it is just the wind that makes it unpleasant. I will also make a point to spend some time on the treadmill… I did a 5km workout yesterday and would like to improve on that today. It will give me the chance to finish the movie I started watching yesterday.

    I still cannot believe that I am now struggling to drop my weight below 265 lbs.; It was October 15 (less than three months ago) that I registered on my fridge that I had dropped below 240 lbs. and then… well, when I came home from Dallas at the beginning of November my world fell apart. All of a sudden the last two days I was 29 lbs. higher than that weight. I am glad I was able to rein that in this morning, but I really do hate knowing how easy it was to fall off. I have done that before. I have to stay strong because there is a difference between falling off and picking myself back up again… and falling off and six months from now realizing I weigh what I weighed 713 days ago. I cannot let myself fall like that!

    See you all tomorrow.

  • Day 713

    I did not lose any weight this morning. I also did not gain any, which is a good thing. I know that I went overboard on food yesterday. Today I did not, and I am hopeful that my weight will be down at least slightly tomorrow morning.

    This is another ‘near the end of the day’ post – in fact, it is already 10:15 as I sat down to write, and my students are working on their labs for an hour. I’ll be lecturing again soon. With that said, I think the eating portion of my day is behind me. I would probably snack if there was something in the house, but there is not. At least, there is nothing that I can think of. It is better that way… snacking is bad for my program, right?

    Today was a reasonably good day. Not only did I mostly stick to my eating regimen, but I also took my new (to me) treadmill out for its inaugural spin. I Walked at a very quick pace and did a strong five miles. I was very pleased with myself. I would have gone longer, but my wife called me with some very exciting news. No, I am not going to share. Live with it

    The treadmill came into the house Sunday afternoon and was assembled thanks to my buddy (we worked on it together and it was NOT as easy as we hoped). It was heavier than I expected… but then, I wanted a heavy-duty treadmill that would not feel like a toy… and that would support my weight. Even at my current weight that is an issue with a lot of models – I saw a few with limits of 250 lbs., and while I will be under that again soon… I expect that if my weight is at or near their recommended limit then I will not enjoy the experience.

    Princess Sophie went to the neighbour’s for a playdate this morning. That gave me the opportunity to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. I went through seven arrangements before settling on the one I liked best… or at least the one I dislike the least. If the bedroom was one foot bigger each way I would have had a lot more options… but alas, we play the cards we are dealt, right? I did want to make sure that however I laid things out that I would be able to watch my television from the treadmill, and that worked very well. I watched the first half of a movie that I quite enjoyed.

    My buddy Eduardo came over for a cigar in the afternoon. It was good to see him, and chat about this and that. He is a great guy to chat with… although I know that he is going to discuss both Israeli and South American politics with me every time. It doesn’t bother me… Just predictable.

    Okay, it’s time for me to go back to work. See you all tomorrow.

  • Day 712

    After it bit me and broke my finger the other day, I decided to call in reinforcements to pick up the treadmill that I bought. Rob came over and we drove his truck over there. We picked up blind (they were not answering my Facebook messages, but we took a chance and rang the bell. The father of the girl I had dealt with came down and helped us carry it to Rob’s truck. It took us longer than I would like to admit to put it together, but I now have a fully functional treadmill in my bedroom. Yay!

    I am back to teaching tonight. I hope I am on my game.

  • Day 711

    There may be light at the end of this darkness. We will see. More tomorrow.

  • Day 710

    I went for a 9km walk yesterday for the first time since my life fell apart. It felt great. I am lying… but it felt like I was getting back on track.

    Then I got a phone call. I was already drinking, but I would not have had that much to drink had I not gotten the call. I have not been that drunk in a very long time.

  • Day 709

    I must have really overdone it yesterday because the bathroom scale was extremely unkind to me. That just means I have to do better today… and I did, considering it is now approaching 6:00pm, and my day is pretty much done… at least, the part that involves food is.

    I met an old friend (and one of my few loyal readers) for coffee this morning. It was nice to catch up. From there I went to take my son for his pre-birthday lunch – yes, he wanted to go to Lone Star, and yes, I ate… I ordered a hamburger, and it could have been much worse. For dinner I had my regular chicken with a couple of air-fried spring rolls. Hopefully the bathroom scale will be nicer to me tomorrow than it was today… although it is not the scale’s fault, is it?

    I am drinking more than I usually do. At first it was because of my broken finger. Now I think it’s because it helps me forget whatever else is going on in my messed-up life.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 708

    How exciting… today’s the day I go in for the second part of my dental surgery. I am not excited about that.

    I was excited that I not only decided to but actually bought a treadmill yesterday. I am not excited that while trying to put it into my car I broke a finger. To add insult to injury, my finger was trapped in the treadmill for ten minutes while the teenaged girl who was selling it to me tried in vain to not panic. This was not the first time in my life that as the injured party I had to calm and console the other person. This poor girl did not do anything wrong, but I could not convince her of that. I finally told her to get some liquid soap so that I could extricate my finger from the vice-like grip. The fact that I did not react at all – I did not raise my voice, I did not swear or curse – was a feat. I rewarded myself by smoking a $500 cigar when I got home… and self-medicated with what I will call Scottish Penicillin.

    All this, and I still do not have the treadmill. I have left a down-payment for it so it is mine, but I have to go back with a friend to pick it up.

    I suspect that my weight would have dropped a bit more this morning had I not had the whisky… or at least if I had not had so much of it.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 707

    I did not drop as much of the weight that I gained as I would have liked, but I still dropped some of it, and I am happy about that. Hopefully by the weekend I will be back to where I was a couple of days ago.

    Tomorrow morning is the second part of my dental surgery. I am not looking forward to it, but I will be glad to have it behind me. I have had the hole in my teeth for nearly three years, and I am glad to be getting it fixed.

    I changed the entire layout of my living room today. I needed the change.

  • Day 706

    I gained way too much weight today. Too much turkey? Wow.

  • Day 705

    It felt amazing to get onto the bathroom scale this morning and read that my weight had once again dropped below 260 lbs. … until I remembered that it was over two months ago that I celebrated that I had dropped below 240 lbs. for the first time. Yes, I am happy that I am (very slowly) recovering the progress that I have lost; I am not at all happy that I lost all of that progress in the first place. The fact that I fell so badly and have to recover it… that’s the part that hurts. Then again, how many times have I quoted that Japanese proverb: Fall down seven times, stand up eight. If only the numbers were seven and eight I would likely be less dejected. At least this time I have (hopefully) stopped my decline myself, and after regaining only twenty-five pounds (nearly seven of which I have dropped over the past couple of days). It could have been worse; It has been worse.

    Off to see my godchildren and friends.