Losing a part of me

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  • Day 467

    Landed in Dallas!

  • Day 466

    Yesterday was amazing! More to come (with pictures) when I am back down to earth. For now my bride and I are coming back down to reality on our own timeline 🙂

  • Day 465 – The Wedding!

    Too anxious to write much… tomorrow I’ll fill you all in, with pictures!

  • Day 465

    The last few days have been stressful indeed, but we have arrived safe in California. As yesterday’s journal entry said, there were several delays that affected our plans, but we were checked into the hotel in time to have a lovely dinner before going to services at the temple. The next few days will be tremendous… exciting and stressful at the same time. It looks like everything is falling into place, and whatever does not will be fine too.

    After a very good night sleep we woke up this morning and showered before going for breakfast. This is sunny and the forecast high is 81°. Yes, I am back in the USA so I am back to Fahrenheit. It will be a lovely day indeed!

    With all of my failures these past couple of weeks, it is important to recognize my victories. This morning I realized a huge non-scale victory. For the first time in twenty years I am able to comfortably fit into a hotel bathrobe. Yay! It is also really comfortable… something you would expect from a luxury resort in a rich part of Southern California. Of course I will not steal one, but I am definitely encouraged that I can now go into a store and buy one for myself… without worrying that it would be tent sized.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 464

    Six hours of travel delays. I’ll write tomorrow… maybe.

  • Day 463

    As the Airbus 319 hurls me toward Dallas I feel bad about how bad I have cheated these last two days. I have not been out of control, but I have been stressed and anxious and I fell off the path. It was not terrible, but it was not good. I do know that I was heavier this morning than I wanted to be for this trip. It will be easier to manage my anxiety and temptations when I am with Leslie. Her support is always wonderful. When we are together I feel stronger. These last two days I have felt a lot of things, but strong is not one of them.

    In just a couple of hours we will be together and things will be right again. Tomorrow morning we are flying to California for a few days. I continue to work to make sure that our wedding is the perfect memory for her. She deserves it!

    —

    It is now 1:30pm and after a wonderful reunion and a lunch of our favourite salad place, Leslie had to work the rest of the afternoon and so I drove out to my cigar lounge where I am enjoying a nice cigar and relaxing. I have time for one stick, and then I’ll drive back home to spend a wonderful evening with my wife. It is a grey and dreary day so I do not feel bad that I am not smoking on the balcony, but I am sure that after dinner we will enjoy a drink and another cigar together out there. The next few days will be a whirlwind for us, but this evening we get to relax together.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 462

    I am checked in for tomorrow’s flight! I am stoked. It was a massive technological pain in the rear, but it is done. I have my boarding pass, I have reserved my Uber pickup, and I am ready… in twenty-four hours I will be with my wife!

    My new clothes arrived on Monday, and yesterday I was able to collect both my alterations and my dry cleaning. The next few days will be a whirlwind of activity, but it will be completely worth it! We have the ketubah and the kippot, I have ordered the food, the wedding cake, and the wine. The food is being handled by the absolute Chassid who works for the community, and I will be making a generous donation into his pocket as well. The cake is being delivered Sunday morning from the kosher bakery in (or right near) Beverly Hills. The kosher wine has been ordered and paid for, and a friend is picking it up today or tomorrow from the winery in Oxnard. All of the honorifics have been assigned and agreed to. The rental car is booked and paid for, and the hotel is reserved. Tomorrow I will spend a few hours at the cigar lounge in Dallas, where they have put aside a number of special cigars that will be for Leslie, the Rabbi, and for me. In addition to that, I am bringing two boxes of Cuban cigars with us to share with our guests, which are already in Dallas. My ring is the same ring we exchanged at the courthouse in Dallas, but Leslie is getting a new ring (for religious reasons), which I already have. If there is anything that I am missing, then I do not know what it is.

    For those of you who think that this preparedness has somehow lessened my current levels of anxiety, I assure you that is not the case. With that said, at least I can maintain an outward calmness with the knowledge that everything that can be planned for has been taken care of.

    Unfortunately, none of that has curbed my emotional stress-snacking these last couple of days, and it is only the tremendous physical activity that I am pushing myself to continue that has stopped me gaining ten pounds this week.

    Speaking of physical activity, I did jog outside yesterday, and it was a great one. I am certain that it was my best-paced outdoor run since I was a soldier, with my slowest kilometre (the 2nd) coming in at 7m17s, and my best an incredible 6m56s. Even jogging into the wind (which blew from west to east) I was killing it!

    Jogging

    • Distance: 10.29km (8.12km)
    • Duration: 1:13:33 (54:17)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m08s (6m41s)
    • Steps: 11,768 (8,400)
    • Calories burned: 1,300 (1,034)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 160 (154)

    On the MapMyFitness challenge I briefly broke into the top-19,000 yesterday but was pushed slightly above that mark by people who registered their exercise after I did. I am still in the top 13% though – an impressive feat indeed, especially knowing that I did not do any serious walking or running until February, and it was not until March that I was getting out almost daily. As I have said before, I am not going to come close to the top of the leaderboard… but I will complete the challenge, and I will continue to compete with myself to be better than I was last week and last month… and certainly better than I was last year! The fact that I have run 90km in April amazes me (especially since I did not record my first run of the month until April 10). I will keep going until I win… not against anyone else but me.

    I came home and prepared my lunch, then jumped into the shower to clean myself off. When I emerged, I had enough time to get dressed and then prepare a salad before the chicken was ready. Had I just stopped there, yesterday would have been a success. I did not. Enough said. I weigh exactly what I weighed a month ago, even though I have been up and down a lot in that time. As long as thiis a plateau rather than my falling off the wagon then I am okay with that. I have made such incredible progress – I am nearly fifty pounds down since January 1 – that I cannot really fault myself for the occasional slide… as long as that is all that it is.

    While it is completely out of character for me, my suitcase is packed… or at least, it is as packed as it can be in advance, which is to say that my toothbrush and assorted sundries will go in this evening. I have enough socks, underwear, shoes, and t-shirts in Dallas so as to not need to worry about those, but my suit, sports jacket, vest, and shirts had to be packed. I am also taking a couple of ties, even though Leslie has bought me some gorgeous ones! There is one in particular that I will wear with my vest and burgundy shirt that matches perfectly. My carry-on bag is also packed – including several religious objects that are needed for the wedding. This evening before my class starts, I will give it all a once-over to make sure I have not forgotten anything, and then I will close them and be ready. Until then, I will just try to stay calm.

    I was supposed to go to the doctor’s office to get weighed this morning, but after a terrible night’s sleep I had a big balagan with checking in for my flight, and by the time it was resolved I had missed the appointment. I called and scheduled a new appointment for the week I get back from the trip. Unfortunately, that will have to be an afternoon appointment as I am teaching in the morning.

    Today I break my streak. My steps goal streak, currently sitting at 16 days, will not be extended. I know that jogging is good for so many things, but it has also been causing me to feel muscle aches in my glutes – the joys of getting back into shape – which can, the day of and the day after a good workout, cause discomfort while sitting for long spells. Knowing that I will be spending 4 hours on a plane tomorrow as well as the following day, I decided that caution is the order of the day. I also saw that my daily step goal has increased once more, now at 12,610 steps (up from 8,560 on Saturday). That number will continue to increase as long as I smash it every day (yesterday my goal was 11,490, and I hit 17,045 steps). I suspect that taking a day off from time to time is probably prudent. Additionally, after a lousy night’s sleep, my Body Battery peaked at 72/100 when I woke up this morning and is already down to 65. With my Uber scheduled to collect me at 3:30am, I know I will not get much more sleep this evening. I am going to take it easy and give my body time to recuperate.

    My plans for the day are to relax. I will be mindful and will do my best to not snack. I will have a single midday meal of a piece of salmon and salad and maybe some rice, but aside from that I will try to behave. If I do that, then tomorrow morning I will get onto the plane knowing that even though I did not do well the last ten days or so, at least I have not fallen completely off the wagon. I am teaching this evening, and as has been the case the last few times that I took early morning flights the next day I will try to get to bed and to sleep as quickly after finishing class as I can.

    Princess Sophie will have a fun eleven-day visit with her friends. She will go to Sue’s apartment later in the afternoon because we do not want to disturb her at 3:00am. I will not see her again until I am back the evening of May 7, which is sad but cannot be avoided. Right now, she has her best friend Charlie over for a play date, and they will have plenty of those during my absence. In the meantime, I am going to pack her toys and treats and food and dishes to make sure she has everything she needs while I am away. In the meantime, I am sure she and I will head out for another walk at some point during the day!

    I have this nagging feeling that I am forgetting something, but for the life of me I cannot think of what. Aside from my class this evening I have nothing planned, and only one errand (to go pick up Smarties for my stepson). A friend was going to come over for a cigar in the afternoon, but I asked him not to because if I do realize that I forgot something then I want to be able to deal with it without inconveniencing anyone else. I am going to prepare my lunch, and then try to relax. I still have a number of phone calls to make, but unless there is an aha moment, I am going to take today very easy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 461

    I did not enjoy high school drama when I was in high school. I certainly do not enjoy it as an adult. I honestly thought that with no family coming to our wedding there would be none of the bull poop that often comes with it. Yesterday afternoon I was reminded that I was optimistic in that thinking. I am not going to lie and say that it did not cause me to eat something I should not have eaten, but it is done, and I am looking ahead to a better day today.

    I had a good jog on the treadmill yesterday. I was not wrong, the audiobook I had been listening to had not been holding my interest, and likely contributed to my getting bored and stopping when I did. The new book that I am listening to now is much more gripping (I have been on a Leon Uris and Herman Wouk kick of late, especially the novels about the Holocaust (Mila 18) and the formation of the State of Israel (Mitla Pass, The Haj, Exodus, The Hope). I had never heard of The Hope (and the sequel The Glory), but so far it is very gripping. Whether that was the reason I did so well on the treadmill yesterday, or if it was just because I was energized (which my Body Battery would speak against), I don’t know… but for the first time I set the treadmill’s pace to a 12-minute mile in the first few minutes of my jogging, and I kept it there for the entire workout.

    Jogging (Treadmill)

    • Distance: 8.12km (5.05km)
    • Duration: 54:17 (35:41)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 6m41s (7m15s)
    • Steps: 8,400 (5,712)
    • Calories burned: 1,034 (600)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (160)

    There are a number of issues that I should address about my jogging which might cause a bit of confusion for many if not most of my readers:

    1. I spend a lot of time going back and forth between the imperial system (miles) and the metric system (kilometres). I great up in Canada during the era where we were transitioning from the former system to the latter, so I learned both. I also spent as a child (as I still do today) a lot of time in the United States, a country that never made that transition, which included a lot of road trips during which I had very little to entertain me other than the world around me. I learned at an early age to do the conversion from one to the other in my head (100km=62.5mi, which means that 1km=.625mi, thus 5km=3.125mi). While all of my devices are set to the metric system, the treadmills that I use (both at my gym in Canada, and at the gym at Leslie’s apartment complex in Texas) are set to the imperial system. I have a system in my head for how far I am going to try to push myself which would be difficult to explain, but basically revolves around round numbers… either miles or kilometres.
    2. With regard to temperatures, I also vacillate between Fahrenheit and Celsius. I almost always do this based on which country I am in, so when I am in Canada and I type that it is 10° outside that denotes degrees Celsius; when I am in the USA and I type 60° that denotes degrees Fahrenheit.
    3. I use two devices to measure my running: my iPhone (using an app called MapMyFitness) and my Garmin smartwatch (using the Garmin Connect app). The two apps communicate with each other, and if I look at the MapMyFitness dashboard after logging an activity, it will show up twice. I delete one of them, lest it look like I have run 20km in a day when I only ran 10km. With that said, the two show very different results sometimes, especially on the treadmill. Yesterday’s outing, for example, registered 7km on the fitness watch, but 8.12km on the phone. When running on the street, I almost always trust the watch because Garmin’s origins are GPS. On the treadmill, despite my trying to calibrate the watch, I think I trust the phone more.
    4. Whether stationary or mobile, running or walking, the discrepancy between the two devices for the number of calories burned during a workout is always huge. There are times when I will record the steps and distance from one device, but the calories burned from the other.

    With regard to activity, I am currently on a steps goal streak of fifteen days, and I plan to extend that today. I noticed that Garmin has started increasing my step goal, which had been steady at 8,560 for the longest time. On Sunday my goal adjusted to 8,930, yesterday it jumped to 10,730, and today it is now at 11,490. I suppose this is how it was supposed to be all along, adjusting my goal based on the last few days (or weeks) to make me strive to keep doing better. I will smash through that 11,490 goal for today, but I will also keep an eye on it going forward… we will get to a time when that goal will not be so easy to beat every day. That time is not today though. I am on the fence whether I am going to jog outside or go to the gym today, but I will probably put on my long pants and shirt and run outside. It is sunny but a cool 7° outside, which is comfortable as long as I am dressed properly, and it is not too windy. I think I will chance it! In the evening I will go to Taekwondo, which will be my last class until after I am back from Dallas. I am taking a dobok with me and will try to practice. The good thing about being at my level is that I do not really need to go to the gym to practice my patterns!

    My plan for today is to try to stay on track. While my meal was not cheating yesterday, the snacking was. Yes, it was emotional stress eating, and no, I cannot let that continue. By being mindful of it I can make sure it does not happen again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 460

    I am still having trouble getting back on track with my program, but I am also not falling hard off the wagon. Knowing that in three days I am going back on my modified program for ten days, I wonder if it is worth the effort. I will stick mainly to the program, but I might buy some chicken breasts and vegetables to make one midday meal per day. I know that I have been having trouble getting my Body Battery up above 75 (even when I wake up in the morning), and by the end of the day it has dropped to real lows – 19 and 20 over the last couple of nights. It is possible that with the amount of exercise that I am doing (which I do not plan to stop), my body is telling me that I just need more than the 900 calories per day that my full-fast program allots. When I am finished at the gym I will stop into the supermarket to pick up chicken breasts, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions. I will also make sure (before I go out) that I have the olive oil and balsamic vinegar to make sure I am not just eating a tasteless bowl of weeds with my chicken.

    Body Battery aside, there have been a few instances these last few days when I have stood up a little too fast and found myself a bit lightheaded. That might have to do with my low blood pressure (and resting heartrate that hovers around 50bpm), or it might be a simple caloric deficiency. It is not that I am falling over on a regular basis, but from time to time I do need to steady myself.

    Yesterday’s jog was 5km despite my lower than hoped for Body Battery. I pulled up at 5km, and then walked another 6.65km. With the exception of the 4th kilometre (which was into a strong wind and partly uphill) I did two kilometres in 7m10 and two in 7m10s, which means that if it was not for the windy fourth then I would have bested my previous best pace. As it stands, I still matched it. A job well done indeed!

    Jogging

    • Distance: 5.05km (10.1km)
    • Duration: 35:41 (1:13:18)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m15s (7m15s)
    • Steps: 5,712 (11,654)
    • Calories burned: 600 (1,300)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 160 (159)

    The forecast is calling for a chance of rain from 12-1pm today, but I had already decided to go to the gym so that will not be a real issue for me. I am going to head out shortly and will do my best to extend my steps-goal streak to fifteen days. I hope that I have an easier time on the treadmill than I did the last couple of outings; during my last outing I was listening to an audiobook by Mark Twain that I lost interest in, and the time before I had forgotten my ears completely. Yesterday I downloaded a new audiobook which I am already into, and midway through this sentence I made sure to put my earbuds into my pocket. As long as I remember to take my workout clothes, I am all ready for a great run on the treadmill. Afterwards I will go shopping, then come home to prepare my afternoon meal. I am ready for my class this evening, so if the weather cooperates, I might just sit on the balcony with a cigar.

    The countdown to the big day is now at six, and with one exception I think everything is taken care of. I am excited that I got notification this morning that my new shirts and jacket are out for delivery, and I am tempted to wait home for them; knowing they might show up at 5:30pm, I do not want to waste my day, especially knowing that in the worst-case scenario, they will be delivered tomorrow instead. I know that won’t happen, but I am thinking ahead. My dry-cleaned suit will be ready for pick-up after 5:00pm today, but my dry-cleaned shirts will not be ready until the same time tomorrow, and I see no good reason for me to make two trips… especially knowing that both are coming home and getting packed into the garment bag. My altered pants and vest will be available Wednesday afternoon, but that is not from the same place so two trips will be necessary anyways. Yes, I am extremely excited that everything seems to be planned properly, but that does not mean that I am not anxious that I have forgotten… something. I am sure that a week from today, after the dust has settled, I will be able to relax!

    I have procrastinated enough. It is time to get moving! Have a great day folks!

  • Day 459

    My clothes are in Canada. For the last few days (since I got the initial notification from the tailor on Wednesday) I have been tracking the progress of my custom clothes which I am really excited for. From the first notification from the shipping company, the predicted arrival date was to be Monday (tomorrow), and that has not changed. Since the day Leslie and I decided to get married next weekend, I have been hoping that they would arrive in time for me to take them with me. While the only piece that I will wear to the wedding is one of the shirts (I am wearing a suit), there are numerous other events and occasions, both in California and then in Dallas, for which I will want to dress up. I would have done fine with my older stuff, but I am happy that the new wardrobe will be available. Tomorrow they shall arrive!

    I was reminded yesterday of when, as a teenager, I finally got rechargeable batteries for my Walkman. It was exciting that after a minor investment I would no longer need to spend a fortune on batteries. I was surprised then to discover that, unlike alkaline batteries (which would start to lose power gradually, resulting in your music playing slower), the lithium batteries worked great… until they did not, and the music would go from full speed to nothing. I thought of it because in the morning my Body Battery measurement on my fitness watch was at 82, but by the time I got to the gym it had plummeted to 47. My treadmill running was cut off at 3km, although I did then walk another 2.65km to make sure I would reach my steps goal (thus extending my streak to 13 days). I came home and made myself a meal replacement, but then a couple of hours later (by which point the measurement was down even further to 19) I decided I needed food, and I made myself the last pieces of salmon I had in the freezer and a plate of rice. While my jogging is great for almost every aspect of my health and fitness, I see a direct correlation between the quality of sleep I get to the Body Battery, which as I have stated over the last few days is quite real.

    Before any of that, I took my son the younger for lunch at his standard Lone Star Texas Grill. I had the same fajita bowl as I usually do but opted instead of the chicken to try the steak on it. It costs a couple of dollars more, but the nutritional difference is negligible. Why not, right? It was quite tasty! I did have as many as ten tortilla chips, but I did not lose control on them which is a huge victory. My son was not at all in a talkative mood, so we essentially ate quietly. I was not offended – aside from him being on the spectrum, he also did not sleep well the previous night, and was visibly exhausted. I don’t mind being able to spend time with him though, whether or not he is chatty. I appreciate every moment we have, especially knowing that when I eventually move back down the USA it will be harder for us to spend time together.

    While I slept marginally better last night than the previous, it took me a long time to fall asleep, and what I got was not enough to really energize me for today. My Body Battery when I woke up was a mere 66 and has already dropped to a 61/100. I am hoping that I will be able to get a good jog in before I lose any motivation and energy. As I have done on the two days when I could not complete a 5km (or better) jog, if I find myself unable to continue then I will slow to a walk; whether I am running or walking, I will extend my steps goal streak to fourteen days today. Her Floofness wanted to go for her full tour of the park today, so I am already a quarter of the way there. While it is cloudy, the temperature is currently 8° and there is no rain in the forecast, so I am going to jog outdoors. I am not sure if running outdoors gives me more motivation to continue than I have at the gym, where I often find myself bored (especially if the audiobook I am listening to is not grabbing me). I suspect that has been the case of late, so when I am able to, I will stick to the streets. The forecast for the next few days is pretty stable, with rain predicted for Wednesday. I will still likely go to the gym tomorrow, if only to give the invoice for my new lock to the general manager. I don’t think I wrote about that, but the staff cut my (very expensive) lock off when another member mistook it for his own; thinking that the battery was dead (because his fingerprint was not accepted) he asked the staff to cut it open. The other member was at fault, which was compounded by his not telling anyone when he realized that it was not his locker. No matter, I bought a new lock, and the gym had better pay me for it.

    A buddy is coming over in the afternoon for a cigar, and it will be good to see him. He was supposed to come on Friday, but he was not feeling well. He is feeling better today, so that is our plans for the afternoon. I am only hoping that between now and then I am able to get my jog in and not collapse when I get home!

    My plan for today is to try to stay mindful. I have not done a great job of staying on the program the last week, and while I was doing fine yesterday, I do not think I would have made it through the evening without having the meal. A am glad despite all to be only .4 lb. up from yesterday, and 2.4 lbs. up from my best weight ever from last Friday. It should take only 2-3 days of faithfully sticking to the program for me to get back there, and hopefully by my next doctor’s appointment (Wednesday) I will be there. This morning’s weight on the bathroom scale is lower than it was the morning of my last appointment… but only marginally (about half a pound). If I can lose three pounds from now until Wednesday, then at least I can be nearly two kilograms down; if I can then maintain that until the next day then I will be able to fly to Dallas at my best weight ever. With all of that said, if I do not have the energy to make it through the day then I will not be a hero, and I will make myself a piece of chicken… or something.

    Okay, enough of this procrastinating. I am going to try to reach the bakery to pay for the wedding cake, and then I am going to suit up for my jog. It is hard to believe that the wedding is a week away!

    Have a great day folks!