Losing a part of me

Tag: life

  • 2026 Day 26

    I am going to blame my weight this morning on my neighbour. No, I am not up… but I am not down either. And no, I never actually blame anyone else for anything that goes into my mouth. When my downstairs neighbor offered me some of her homemade cauliflower soup yesterday I accepted. When she told me she was giving me a couple of slices of fresh bread I could have said no… in fact I did, but then I said ‘Okay, okay… one slice won’t hurt.’ When she gave me four slices I could have refused, of I could have politely accepted them and then thrown them out when I got home. I did dispose of them… but not in any way that I should have. They were delicious with the soup. I hate myself for having done it, but I did it.

    Owing to that, this morning my weight was exactly where it was yesterday morning. While there is still a chance that my weight will measure 10kg less than my last visit to the doctor, that will depend more on the time of day than my actual success. I fell slightly short of my promise.

    For those avid readers who obsess over these things, I mentioned in yesterday’s entry that following the first part of the entry I finally had a successful bowel movement. This morning I actually had two – one before stepping onto the bathroom scale, and one more productive one later on in the morning. By later, it would still have been early enough to get back onto the scale… but I decided not to. In truth, the only weight reading that matters today will come in about ninety minutes when I step onto the scale at my doctor’s office. As we say in French, on vera.

    My sleep would have been excellent across the board last night… had my eyes not popped open at 1:35 and stayed open for an hour. Yes, right in the middle of a great night sleep there was an hour that I was awake and could not for the life of me close my eyes. While I try to avoid screens when this happens, I knew that doing some reading on my phone would at least tire my eyes. When I finally felt the fatigue come on I embraced it immediately, throwing the phone to the side and it happened. My overall sleep score, even with the hour awake, was a 78 (fair). Three of the six other readings were in the Excellent range. I’ll take it after the previous night’s abysmal score of 37.

    I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel on a project that I took on nearly two years ago, and on which I am now sixteen months late on completion. I have put a lot of work into it these last three weeks or so, and I am satisfied that the end is near. Of course, I have to wait for approval on everything that I have written so far before I can do any more recording (it is a course that requires both content creation and video delivery). With that said, the project is one that has had me lying awake in bed many nights. For over a year it was the stress of having to sit down and do the work. Last night it was not what popped my eyes open, but as I lay awake I did give some thought to some improvements I could make to what I wrote… and how to better go forward.

    While my appointment is not until 9:15am, I am glad I set my alarm for 6:15am… and was not displeased that my eyes popped open a few minutes before it sounded. I have gotten a few things done already, and will be ready to leave home in plenty of time to get there early.

    Over the last few minutes I stepped away from the computer once again for another bowel movement. This third BM of the morning was by far the most productive of them, and I feel a relief I have not felt in a few days. It is almost as if my insides know that when I was at the pharmacy a few days ago I purchased the powder that I used last year to flush out my colon when I was in so much agony from being stopped up. Yes, I am back on the fibre… but this was a bit more than I expected!

    Okay, now I am off to the doctor’s office. I will leave this entry open so that when I get back I can write about the results.

    Okay, I am back. My doctor was pleased by my 9kg drop, and the improvement to my blood pressure. I promised I would continue to stay on track. I did admit to her that the entire weight drop is the result of of these last nearly four weeks of effort, with a big fall in the middle of that. As long as I can keep showing improvement she is happy. I will see her again in six weeks.

    After a couple of weeks of absolute bitter cold, this afternoon the temperature is set to rise to an almost bearable -5°. What a relief!

    I have a lot to get done before I head out for my afternoon in Grimsby and Beamsville, so I will close out here.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 25

    I was not as good at breakfast as I should have been. No, I did not order my usual French Toast. No, I did not forego the toast and hashbrowns that came with my omelette. I also spread peanut butter and strawberry jam onto the toast. Bad Mitch.

    It got worse… I think. When I arrived home I was tired and sluggish, and decided that the remaining chicken (which I had intentionally frozen) and rice (the last scoop of it) would be a nice second meal of the day. This meal was eaten around dinner time. I do not recall if I had a meal replacement between breakfast and dinner, but that was all I ended up eating for the evening.

    It was my expectation that, owing mostly to the carbs in the bread and starch in the rice, that my weight would be up once again this morning. In fact it was down… nearly a pound from yesterday. I am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth; I am going to try my very hardest to stick to the program today. Aside from the fact that I want to get back on track and stick with it… I am seeing my doctor tomorrow morning, and I would love to be as close to the 10kg down that I promised her as I can be. I believe that as of this morning I am 9.1kg down. Is it possible that I will drop nearly a full kilo overnight? Yes… but not very likely. How about half a kilo? That’s more likely… but one thing is certain: My weight will drop a little bit when I am finally able to move my bowels, which I have been unable to do these last two or three days.

    My sleep was, in a word, a disaster. When I fell asleep at 11:30pm I was excited that I should be able to get eight hours of sleep, interrupted only by possibly one trip to the restroom. When my eyes popped open at 2:45am I was sure I would be able to fall back into dreamworld; to be fair, I did. The problem is that I fell asleep at 5:35am, and was fully awake and out of bed at 7:00am. That was not how I wanted to start my Sunday, but the stresses and anxieties going through my head are sometimes stronger than my need to sleep… no matter what I might take to try to help me with it.

    It is no surprise, knowing how little sleep I am working on, that I am meandering through this article, and I am getting distracted easily by every beep. With that said, since I wrote that paragraph some forty-five minutes ago, I was finally able to have a good bowel movement. It was not easy, and I can tell that the fact that I had not added fibre to my diet yesterday (I did not have a shake, hence that fell by the wayside) had a serious effect on me – it was not an easy time – but it was absolutely successful. Phew! Now all I need to do is stick to my program today, and lose another kilogram tomorrow morning! Lol!

    I have work to do today, and I am going to try to get as much done as possible. I also have a very close friend (and Lodge brother) coming over this afternoon. I really need to speak with him, and even if I had other plans, I would have worked them around his visit. I really need to speak with him. Hopefully I will then be able to get a good night sleep tonight… but I am not going to bet on it.

    It was so wonderful to sit with my old diet buddy yesterday for a few hours. We caught up (it had been over a year since we had really talked) and planned how we are going to get through a few possible hurdles we are both going to face. I also got to meet her dog, whom I have heard of for years (and even saw on FaceTime many times) but I had never met him. He was so wonderful and gentle… and I am curious to see how well he and Princess Sophie might get along 😉

    I am going to try to get my work done now. My buddy should be here in a couple of hours, and I might be able to get some of it done before he gets here. I am hoping.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 23

    First and foremost… it is bone-chillingly cold out there. Princess Sophie begrudgingly went out for a very quick pee, and then turned right around and headed inside to the warmth and comfort of our neighbour’s couch. Even with her pretty sweater she was having none of it. The fact that I have to go out – and to downtown Toronto no less – fills me with dread. My original plan was to take a relaxed train ride into the city, but with this cold I checked and there is plenty of indoor parking at my destination, and so I will go by car. Aside from the cold, there is a security issue as well. I am picking up sensitive documents that I cannot lose for any reason, and the chances of having my backpack stolen on the train are greater than if I got safely into my car.

    My weight was down nearly another pound this morning, which means that I have dropped 17.8 lbs. since my Day 1 (despite the week of falling off the wagon), and 20 lbs. even since I saw my doctor in November, which puts my weight loss since then at just over nine kilos… and one kilogram away from fulfilling my promise when I see her on Monday. I will be very happy if I can achieve that, despite how disappointed I am with myself knowing how much better I could have done. Those damned stressors and anxieties.

    After two pretty bad nights, I slept well last night. In fact, compared to the previous nights, I slept like a baby!

    • Sleep score: 82 (Good)
    • Duration: 6h39m (Fair)
    • Stress: 14 avg (Good)
    • Deep: 1h15m (Excellent)
    • Light: 4h05m (Good)
    • REM: 1h19m (Fair)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 6m, 30 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    At some point in the middle of the night Her Floofness woke me up because she wanted a drink, and I took that as an opportunity to pee. I had an alarm set for 6:15am because of my planned foray into Toronto, so my sleep really was time limited. With all that, I know that any night I do not turn off the lights before 11:45pm will not be excellent… but I’ll take it.

    At this point I am just procrastinating. I do not want to leave the house before 9am to avoid the worst of the traffic, but at the same time I do not want to leave so late that my return would inhibit productivity this afternoon. I have a lot to get done, and I want to get it done!

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 21

    I was sleeping quite well until I wasn’t. My eyes popped open at 4:45am, and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to close them again. I finally gave up and decided to start my day around 6:00am, although I never did end up getting out of bed. I was tired enough that I guess I was hoping beyond hope that I would be able to nod off again. I eventually did nod off for a couple more hours of sleep… but the damage was done. I hope I am able to make it through this day (and especially my class this evening) without falling asleep!

    • Sleep score: 45 (Poor)
    • Duration: 4h01m (Poor)
    • Stress: 29 avg (Average)
    • Deep: 1h33m (Excellent)
    • Light: 2h20m (Excellent)
    • REM:8m (Poor)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 7m, 17 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    I did not expect my weight to be down this morning for a number of reasons… and for one other reason I am not putting a lot of stock in the reading I got.

    Reason #1: I ran some errands yesterday and decided to pick up some peanuts. My former habit, when I was on the program but adding peanuts to it, was to buy a single (mostly) measured serving. That way I knew what I had, and I did not have to worry about willpower to stick to the proper amount. These last few times I have bought them I bought two or three servings; I knew that I would keep them in the car, and I have not been doing a lot of driving, so it would be okay. Yesterday’s errands had me in motion for a couple of hours, by the end of which the two servings of peanuts were gone. I was back home by 4pm, having consumed two meal replacements and two helpings of peanuts already. I decided that I would not eat anything else for the rest of the day. Despite my going to a buddy’s house to smoke cigars and watch the hockey, I stuck to that plan.

    Reason #2: Getting a good nights sleep is so important to weight loss, and I did not get that last night.

    Reason I don’t put stock in the reading: I usually weigh myself between 6:30am and 9:00am. This morning I weighed myself shortly after 11am. I know that my weight fluctuates throughout the day, which is why I weigh myself (when I can) at around the same every day. The lateness of my date with the bathroom scale makes me wonder how much it might have fluctuated. I hope this evening I will be able to sleep well, and that I will be able to trust the measurement tomorrow morning… as much as I can trust the questionable scale on the unsteady floor.

    There is a lot going on with regard to one particular part of my life which has been throwing my emotions asunder these last few days – and really since mid-December. I have not and will not discuss it until everything is signed and sealed and finished… but I will say two things about it: 1) One of the reasons it has been so difficult for me to get back on the program and stick to it – both in December and January – is because of this. It is absolutely life-changing, and it is the hopeful culmination of a very long process. 2) The fact that these last few days the worst that I have done on my program is a few extra peanuts, knowing what is going on, is a complete shock.

    All of this to say that my weight this morning was indeed down by 1.4 lbs., which puts me just .2 lb. above the best weight I have had this month, which was the morning before I stepped onto my scale to see a 5 lbs. gain from the previous day (a day during which I had been good and stuck to the program). Since that day I have gone up and down within about a six-pound range. This includes my ‘bender’ which began when I fell off the wagon and gained five pounds in one day thanks to General Tao and his army of fried Chinese foods, and lasted through my getting back onto the program this past Sunday morning. As far as benders go… the fallout from this one was not too bad.

    While I still have enough to last me another week or so, my diet buddy is running low and so I placed an order for more meal replacements yesterday. I should be okay through mid-February at this point.

    I am teaching this evening, but let’s see if I can get a couple of hours of productive work done between now and then.

    Have a great day!

  • 2026 Day 19

    I was good on my diet yesterday. It doesn’t hurt that the worst winter storm of the year hit us and that we were hit with 18″ (46cm) with driving winds which drove the the already unpleasant -10° temperature to feel like -25°. You can be darned sure that I was not spending any more time outside than I needed to… and I was not going to order food in because I am sure I will falter but it will not be on Day 1!

    I am not disappointed with the 3 lbs. drop in weight from yesterday morning. That is the sort of drastic day one drop that I am used to. What I was disappointed with was the fact that after I weighed myself, I then had another (quite successful) bowel movement, and when I decided to weigh myself again my weight was up .2 lb. from twenty minutes before. This is not the first time I have experienced that, and I am not sure whether to chalk it up to the bad floors and cheap bathroom scale… or possibly a weird phenomenon that can cause one who eliminates over a pound of waste can immediate gain weight from the oxygen that takes its place in the body. I can joke about it, but I will not give it a lot of thought.

    My sleep score was a 78 last night. Not bad, just not great. It’s my fault for turning on a movie that was much longer than I’d expected when I got into bed.

    Owing partly to the weather, yesterday was another very productive day on the project I am working on. I am extremely late on my deliveries, but I have dedicated myself to getting it done and having the entire project completed, submitted, and billed for by the end of February… if not sooner. I think that is a realistic goal. It would be much sooner than that, but I have to wait on other people to check and edit my written work before I can produce the videos for it. As long as that is done in good time then I am optimistic that can be pushed up by several weeks. I have more work to do on it today and will get to it right now… as soon as I am done procrastinating by writing this journal entry.

    My car is covered in more than a foot of snow and I have no intentions of digging it out today, which is to say that I actually might do that but I will not be driving anywhere. I have no need to go anywhere until Wednesday. If the weather were not so terrible (we will not be entirely dug out today or tomorrow) I would have gone to a memorial ceremony tomorrow evening, but even if the roads are clear the parking will be impossible. No, Wednesday is good for me. I need to get a few errands done and then I will collect my cleaning lady from the train station. The apartment is looong overdue for her visit.

    All that to say that I will be good today on my weight loss program.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 18… or maybe Day 1?

    Alright it is not really Day 1 again… I am still more than ten pounds down from where I started. Of the seventeen days since I restarted, I think I fell off the wagon four days. This is not a restart, it is just ‘getting myself back up after a slight fall.’

    I was disappointed by the bathroom scale this morning, but not surprised. I am reasonably sure that had I re-weighed myself after my second (and much more successful) bowel movement after taking Her Royal Floofness for her walk, I would have liked the reading better… but the higher reading from today will allow me to see a better result tomorrow morning after my first full day back on the program. The little ‘cheats’ to encourage positive behaviours that I use are amusing sometimes.

    My sleep was not nearly as good as the previous night, but it was still pretty decent. The stats:

    • Sleep score: 81 (Good)
    • Duration: 7h11m (Good)
    • Stress: 20 avg (Fair)
    • Deep: 1h05m (Fair)
    • Light: 4h52m (Fair)
    • REM: 1h15m (Fair)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 9m, 36 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    Considering I was up (in bed but watching a movie) until 1:45am, I think the 81 is a win. I honestly expected much worse.

    The weather today is quite conducive to not leaving my apartment, except to take Princess Sophie out a couple of times. Really cold, snowy, and windy are not a good combination for being outside. I have a lot of work to catch up on and I plan on working on that today. I also plan on sticking to my program for my weight loss – meal replacements, coffee, and water only.

    I also plan on calling my new diet buddy, who also lost someone close to her this week and who also fell off the wagon and is resetting today. We are going to encourage each other to try to do better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 15

    I lay in bed a few hours ago trying to take a nap before class, and I was thinking about how to open this journal entry. I spent several minutes bandying about the opening sentence of, “I followed some really bad advice yesterday, and because of that I find myself in a bad spot.”

    I was tossing and turning as I thought about that. I do not think I was able to relax and get some sleep until I realized how unfair that statement was. The advice was essentially that with my schedule this week I should not be restricting myself to 900 calories if my body was not reacting well to it, and that I should get some healthy protein to get through the week, and resume on the strict program over the weekend. What I did with that was turn it into ‘Well, I am teaching until after 9:00pm, and then I need to take Sophie for a walk, and the supermarket will already be closed anyways, so I will order food in…and as long as it is somewhat healthier than the Chinese food that I had ordered the night before then I could feel good about myself.’ I knew as I ordered the shawarma plate that it was not as bad for my diet as Chinese food… but there is a gaping chasm between not as bad… and good. That was on me, and not on anyone else.

    By saying that it was bad advice I was trying to pass the blame onto my diet buddy for my not sticking to my program. It was absolutely not her fault, it was mine. Had I followed her advice then I would have gone to the store, picked up a piece of fish or beef or chicken, and cooked it healthily at home. That would have been the smart thing to do, and I will probably do that today. Her advice was good; the way I (mis)interpreted was terrible, and is on me.

    I am definitely having trouble getting through this week, but honestly if I was only working then I would be fine. The fact that I had to take my car to the shop on Tuesday took 2-3 hours of possible sleep away from me (not to mention that Her Floofness got me out of bed early because she needed to go outside). Wednesday afternoon I could have slept right up until it was time for me to start teaching my evening class… except I had to set my alarm to go pick up my car before the shop closed, which deprived me of another 90 minutes of sleep. Between my evening class and my overnight class I should have been able to get three solid hours of sleep… but I had some work I needed to get done for another project before midnight, and I ordered food, and so I ended up getting 45 minutes of sleep. The lesson learned for the next time I have this kind of schedule is to go completely offline for the week except for my teaching.

    I know that I should not be weighing myself at unusual times and expecting good results. I stepped onto the scale at 4:20 (before I went to get my car) and was up by 5 lbs. – partly due to the time of day, but also because I ate extremely salty and fried Chinese food the previous evening. I have nobody to blame but myself.

    It has been a rough week, but I will take the necessary steps today to ease myself back into good habits. I will pick up some healthy proteins so that I do not order in. Saturday I will resume my program and I will get myself back on track.

  • 2026 Day 14

    I fell head-first off the wagon yesterday. To begin with, and as a very minor issue, I finished the peanuts that were in my car as I drove it to the mechanic. I then came home and slept as much as five hours before my gorgeous bedmate woke me up and told me that she needed to go out for a walk. According to my fitness watch I actually slept from 1:45pm until 6:35pm, most of the time quite deeply.

    Even as I was driven home from the mechanic’s (more on that in a minute) I was thinking about cheating on my diet. I would need to order something in though if I did… I would not have a car, and it was far too cold to even walk to the supermarket or pub on the corner. I came into the house and essentially got right into bed… although I would not sleep for another hour or so. With one brief phone call disturbance I slept until I woke up.

    I did not realize I was in trouble until 8:00pm when I stood up from what I was doing; I felt dizzy and light-headed. and nearly fell. I knew I needed sustenance, and I did something really stupid – I ordered Chinese food. What an utterly stupid thing to do. A large soup, a vegetarian egg roll, and General Tao chicken. Deep fried, fattening as hell, and replete with sodium. Ugh. I did not weigh myself before I got dressed to teach, but I will get back on the scale tonight or tomorrow.

    I took my car in yesterday. He had told me that the diagnosis might take 30 or 90 minutes. As soon as I got there I asked the owner if I could leave it there and he could call me with the diagnosis. He drove me home and promised he would call. I was in bed five minutes after getting in. I tried to stay awake because I thought he would call, but I couldn’t stay awake. He called a few hours later, we spoke, and I went back to sleep. Before I go to sleep today, I will call to see if the car will be ready today. I do not need it, and if he wants to keep it until tomorrow that would be fine. If he wants me to pick it up this afternoon, then I will ask if I can come right before he closes. Yes, I would have to contend with traffic… but as I write this paragraph I know I have four more hours of work, and I would love to go to sleep in four hours and five minutes.

    Fall down seven times, get up eight. My goal for today is to make it through the rest of my class without falling asleep… and then getting back on my diet.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 12

    I was obviously in a terrible frame of mind yesterday after I weighed myself. Nonetheless, I did not cheat. I had some celery, a pinch of grated cheese, and three meal replacements. This morning my weight was slightly up from where it was yesterday… although within the margin of error. That does not make me feel any better about it.

    I did something stupid this morning. I had to leave the house around 7:00am to get to an appointment across town. I took the toll road and was extremely early, but even then the traffic could have been bad, and I could not be late for this one. I took Her Floofness for her walk, and then I fed her, prepared a cup of coffee to go, and headed out. I was just pulling out of the parking lot when I realized I had not prepared a meal replacement. For a brief second I thought about turning back, but decided to venture forward. The appointment and my punctuality were too important. There were maybe fifteen peanuts in the car, and that is what I ate before the appointment. When I left there I decided to stop at Bulk Barn. I bought peanuts and four slices of dried mango. It got me home by 11:15am without needing to stop off and eat something else that would necessarily have been a worse choice. Yes, the mangoes were bad. In my current state of mental health (my weight loss is only one thing weighing on me) I accept that, and will continue to try to do better. In the meantime, I decided to forego my second meal replacement of the day (which would have been my first). I will have one before my class starts this evening… and another between my evening class and my overnight class. Yes, it is going to be one of those weeks!

    Despite my terrible state of mind yesterday, or possibly even because of it, I got a lot of work done on a project that I have been quite delinquent on. In fact, I would venture to say that it was the most productive weekend day I’ve had on a work project in years.

    Knowing that it was going to be a very early morning (my alarm was set for 5:15am) I was in bed at a very reasonable hour. I turned off the lights and all devices a few minutes after 10:00pm… and then proceeded to toss and turn until 1:30am. No wonder my sleep score was in the toilet.

    I am going to do a little bit of work on that project now, and then will try to sleep for a few hours. I am crossing my fingers that I can.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 10

    I fell off the wagon today.

    This weekend was supposed to be a quiet one, relaxing at home and such. When a Lodge brother texted me yesterday afternoon asking if I would be able to come to help his sister with her computer, I said I would be delighted to. This morning I took that opportunity to book a haircut as I really needed it, and my barber is near his sister.

    The list of things that I did wrong is long, but it all started with my bathroom scale. I was good yesterday, following the program as I should. How then, please tell me, could I have gained five pounds from yesterday morning? I swore, I cursed, and the fact that a couple of my attempts had be only about two pounds up from yesterday did not change that my weight is so severely up from yesterday. I know, it is a bad idea to weigh myself every day; I also know that weight loss is about the overall trend, and not about individual plots on the graph. None of that changed the fact that I was in a shitty mood and ready to throw it all in and dive into a plate of chicken wings.

    After leaving my buddy’s sister’s house (with an appreciation bottle of scotch in hand) I realized how hungry I was. I had my morning meal replacement around 8:30am, and it was now… 3:00pm. Had it been a normal day I would have stopped and picked up some peanuts. As I weighed as much as an elephant this morning despite my best efforts, I also picked up four slices of dried mango. I only ate three of them (more on that in a minute). I was really in a bad mood, and I was close to giving up.

    As I walked from Bulk Barn to Dollarama (to buy sugar free chewing gum) I had a loud altercation with a driver. After I yelled at him he rolled down his window and said ‘Didn’t you see me enter the intersection? Why did you continue crossing?’ I replied: ‘Do you mean did I see you blow through the stop sign ignoring everyone else’s right of way because you think you are more important than the rest of us?’ He replied with a comment that I will not repeat here… and as he pulled away he found himself slapped on the cheek by a flying slice of dried mango. Four slices became three.

    I am still down about the weight, even though I know that tomorrow things will be back to normal… or at least I hope they will be, but the mango and peanuts might impede that. I might be going out with someone this evening, and if I do then I will try to not eat… and if I do, it will be a very light cheat. Tomorrow, rain or shine, up or down, I will be back on track with my program.

    Have a great day.