Losing a part of me

As I was walking Princess Sophie, I realized that today is one of those ‘holy-crap-degrees-below-zero’ days. Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of time outside, so she did her business quicker than usual, and then we went back inside. There will be no sitting on the patio for a cigar today… not with the wind chill at -25°C.

I do have to go out, and that is directly related to the program. I am meeting a woman to buy her leftover product, which I will split with Julie. I also have to buy a couple of things at the pharmacy, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I need. As soon as I do, I will make a note in my phone and that will be that.

Aha! As soon as I opened the Notes app on my phone, I remembered… and it might have to do with the program. I realized as I was lecturing last night that my lips were dry and chapping. I need lip balm! How is this diet-related, you ask? One of the effects that the clinic told us about (the first time I went through the program) was that many people will experience dry skin. Considering the amount of water I am drinking in a day this seems surprising, but it is true. In fact, as we were chatting last night my girlfriend mentioned that my skin looked dry, and that I should be moisturizing. I am, but obviously not enough… and not consistently.

Reading back on my previous journal, on Day 9 I was focused on my schedule… I wanted to make sure I had every meal replacement exactly at the right time, else I might dive into a bucket of chicken wings. This time around I am more focused on a smooth day, and fitting my meal replacements around my schedule, rather than planning my day around the meal replacements. While I believe that a well-planned schedule will help me with my food issues, I also have to break this notion that my life revolves around food. Leslie and I were speaking a few nights ago and she told me she forgot to eat dinner. I still have no understanding of how someone can forget to eat. I have made food such a huge priority for so many years, the notion is simply anathema to me. To wit: There was an evening this week when I was teaching, and following the late break we came back, and I realized within a few minutes that I had not eaten my meal replacement (that had been timed for that break). Feeling weak, I took another short break so that I could eat it. I look forward to the day when I can skip it… and laugh it off.

I have now completed eight days of the diet, and I am feeling quite well. Aside from the fact that I have lost some weight, I am just generally feeling okay. That is important, because it means that my body has adjusted to the drastic change from over 4,000 calories per day, down to 800 calories per day. The human body has a remarkable ability to tell us what it wants and what it needs. People laugh at the strange cravings of pregnant women, when the cravings are their bodies (and their unborn child) telling them what nutrition they need. I do not claim to know why so many crave pickles and ice cream, but there is something there.

I mention that because while my body did spend a few days lagging for lack of carbohydrates, once the ketosis set in (the process in which the body uses its own fat stores as an energy source, rather than food ingested) my body has not been screaming that it needs anything that it is not getting. I have not truly craved anything… although there have been some foods that I would have liked to have, I have not had this deep need for anything. If I had wanted to cave, there are several food stuffs in the house that would have been attacked. You see, while I surrendered most of my foods to a buddy, I still have a bag of almonds, a bag of white chocolate chips, a brick of aged cheddar cheese, and a chocolate bar in the kitchen. All of these should be gone… whether by giving them away, or by me giving in to temptation. The fact that I have not really been tempted by any of them is a good sign.

I want to clarify the last bit. Yes, I would love to dive into that cheese, or any of the other goodies that I have on hand. I suspect that the main reason I have not is simple: right now, I want to not be fat anymore. I want that more than I want the cheese or the chocolate. I do not want to be the fat, disgusting guy who has his belly sticking out of his shirt. I want to be slim, if not thin. I want to be wearing the slimmer clothes that I have (which would still not mean I am slim, but slimmer) that look so much better than all of the fat clothes… no matter how much Leslie loves me and is attracted to me as I am. I love that she is attracted to me… but I want to find myself attractive too. I am well over 100lbs away from that being the reality.

So yes, I want food… but right now I want to not be fat more than I want any food… no matter how delicious it might be.

Going into the weekend, I will be making the drive to visit my godson and goddaughter tomorrow, which is a schlep… but they are worth it! Cam and Amanda are surprised that I won’t be eating (and knowing Amanda she is a bit disappointed to not be preparing a meal for such an appreciative guest), but I explained that I am on an extreme weight loss program. It is extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of my usual soups, I will bring a couple of protein bars; they are just more portable, and easier to eat in the car if that is how the timing works. In the past, when making long road trips, I have occasionally bought a beef jerky or similar snack when stuck, so if I do have a real need for extra protein (or if I end up staying later and am short of meal replacements) that would be an option. I hope it does not come to that, but if I need to…

Time to hit the road… Have a great day!