Losing a part of me

Category: Health

  • Day 3 Drama

    Yesterday I was strict on the program during the day, but not in the evening. If I am going to cheat, I know it should be during the day, and not at night. I didn’t have a lot of choice. I didn’t even cheat too bad… a friend brought Vietnamese pho for dinner. Yes, the noodles are bad for the diet, but that is the only ‘permanent’ bad of it. The reason my weight was up an astonishing 3.5 lbs. this morning was more for the ridiculously high sodium content, which is bad for the water retention issue, but will likely be reversed within a day or two.

    I was not feeling well yesterday evening. I felt a cold coming on starting mid-afternoon, and it continued to worsen throughout the day. I told my friend, who understood and went home after dinner so I could get into bed quickly. I may have been in bed by 8:15pm, but I did not fall asleep until 10:45. I still slept quite soundly, and am (so far) feeling better today.

    I am enjoying the class that I am teaching this week. It is way outside my usual comfort zone, but I spent the requisite time preparing, I sat (and passed) the exam over the weekend, and two days into it my students seem to think that I am doing well. Phew! Occasionally there is a class that I am forced to teach which I really have to ‘fake my way’ through. This week is not one of them. I have been using Microsoft Windows since 1985 and very deeply since Windows 2000 and am considered one of the top guys in it; with that said, I have used Linux quite a bit, especially for my cybersecurity work, and while I never considered myself an expert in it, the week I spent preparing for the exam (and this class) solidified a few concepts for me that were probably the difference between ‘user’ and ‘expert’ levels. I plan to keep working with Linux, and hope that I can continue to get more comfortable with it.

    In the opening paragraph of this journal entry I mentioned that if I am going to cheat, it should be earlier in the day; this is so that my body can process the bad before I go to sleep. I also said I often will not have a choice in the timing, especially when there is an evening meal involved. Today I do have the choice! There is leftover pho which I will enjoy for lunch. Not only can I eat it earlier, but because it was my friend’s leftover portion (they ordered the same as I did, but because of a weight loss surgery their stomach is much smaller, hence so is their appetite) so it is a much more reasonable portion than what I ate last night. I trust that since I will be eating smaller and earlier, I will still see a drop in my weight tomorrow morning. Even if I do not, I still feel that I am getting back on track.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1158

    Yesterday was not a good day for me.

    I was a bit out of sorts when I woke up, but that was not a big issue. I hit the road around 11am and was all ready for a nice and relaxing drive to Montreal. When my diet buddy texted me I called her so that I did not have to text while driving. With no ill intention she caused my stress and anxiety to shoot through the roof. I pulled off the road and fell off a cliff with regard to my eating. Large bags of potato chips are never a good idea. While it is bad that I turn to eating junk when in emotional crisis, at least I recognize it.

    When I arrived at my friends’ house I got some horrible news about his health, and I am doing my best to be as good a friend to him and his wife as I can be. When he woke up this morning we went for a walk and I talked to him about everything, including his feelings and intentions. He will not know a course of treatment until he speaks to his doctors tomorrow, but he has a very positive attitude which is important.

    To top everything off, my wife called me in a panic after our American puppy (HRF Duchess of Mischief) was viciously attacked by a large dog who had gotten away from his owner. We spent quite some time talking because she was in a state, but she did everything right and handled it perfectly, and I told her how proud I was of her. It is fine to fall apart after dealing with a situation; falling apart during an incident is where we fail.

    I am sure I gained seven pounds yesterday, but it is what it is. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 933

    I did not realize that my ‘joining people for meals to celebrate’ obligations were starting last night. We went to the pub and I had fish and chips… a bad choice, but certainly not the worst thing I could have ordered. I paid for it this morning… but not as bad as it could have been. Without being able to move my bowels, my weight was back up to exactly that terrible number. This weekend will be difficult but hopefully tomorrow afternoon I’ll be able to get back on track.

    My doctor confirmed the pain in my knee is indeed caused by gout, and we adjusted my meds accordingly. I am crossing my fingers that by next week my knee will be fully healed and I will be able to do some exercise. In the meantime, yesterday was the first day in a few weeks that my step count exceeded 9,500.

    I knew that I would not sleep well or much last night. My sleep score is an abysmal 33. I was both too excited to sleep well, and also kept waking up afraid I might oversleep. I left the house before 5:00am today, already in a suit and tie. As I type this I am at the airport waiting for my friend. It will be great to see him!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 885

    It had been my plan to eat today to celebrate with my gorgeous doggie the five-year anniversary of her Adoption Day. As I drove home from Grimsby yesterday afternoon, I realized how weak I was, and decided to move our celebration up by a single day. I stopped at the supermarket and picked up veal chops and the vegetables to prepare a salad. I got home and put rice on to cook as well. While starchy, rice is known for fighting diarrhea, and after three days of it I was ready to try whatever might work. I enjoyed my veal and rice and salad, and Princess Sophie really enjoyed her bone. I was hoping that this morning I might find some solid solace… but I did not.

    In addition to what I mentioned, I also bought a mango. I suspect it was this more than anything else that led to the two-pound jump in my weight from yesterday morning. I was not at all impressed by that jump… but I deserved it.

    Despite my weight gain over these past two days, I am going to eat another meal today (minus the fruit). Four days of diarrhea is simply not good for the body, and I need to be able to healthily get through this coming week. Yes, her Royal Floofness will get another bone on the actual day of her Adoptiversary.

    After losing 12.6 lbs. in just five days, I should not be terribly upset to give back 2.4 lbs. over the weekend. I just have to make sure that I continue on the downward trend, and not give up any unnecessary losses. I will eat because I think that right now it could be unhealthy to not eat anything… but I will not overindulge or eat the wrong foods. The rice is necessary, but the mango was not. I will not make that mistake again today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 884

    I was not feeling better at all yesterday, even though the start of the day was promising. I was happy to get through the day (although I did need to take a nap before class and thank G-d that I did!), and even got 7,300 steps in. That included a trip to the supermarket and dry cleaners. While my trip to the supermarket was for a specific reason, I did not get out entirely unscathed; I stopped at the bakery and bought a single roll, and when I got home, I toasted it and enjoyed it with avocado oil (a non-margarine spread) on one side, and grated cheese on the other. I ate this in place of one meal replacement. I am not sure, but I suspect that the carbs helped to settle the evil serotonin receptors in my stomach which have been wreaking havoc on my system these last few days.

    This morning’s bowel movement was no better than any of the myriad BMs of the last couple of days. Nevertheless, I do feel that I am doing better today than I was Thursday or Friday. I am cautiously optimistic that I just might be on the other side of the worst of things. We’ll see.

    Leslie and I had a lovely cigar date over the last three hours. What started out as a beautiful day turned, within the last fifteen minutes, into an extremely rainy storm. I was not expecting it, although the forecast did call for rain today. That rain is really coming down now.

    It is now 1:20pm. I have had to sit on the potty once in the interim, but despite that I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. My stomach is still feeling a little weak, but overall, I am feeling good. Yay! I think I can now say with confidence that while I might possibly not be completely better, I am certainly over the worst of it.

    My weight was up by .4 lb. this morning. It is possible that is because of the roll that I broke down and purchased yesterday, but it is more likely due to the large quantity of Gatorade that I have ingested these past few days. While the drink is not high in calories, the sodium content is pretty high (270mg per bottle), and I remember Leslie telling me a few months ago that she was not losing weight when she drank it. If it is the sodium, then tomorrow or Monday I should see a significant loss as that is flushed from my system. I was not terribly put off by the slight gain, but it helps psychologically to know why it happened… and that the effects should only be temporary.

    Yes, I bought an ate a roll yesterday. I am reasonably sure that the ill-effects of my withdrawal symptoms were exacerbated by the fact that there was no solid food in my stomach. Leslie told me that there are serotonin receptors in the stomach, and the food (especially the carbohydrates) would have mitigated at least some of those issues. I remember as a child my mother would always give me dry toast when I had stomach issues (especially diarrhea). Maybe there was something to that. No, I did not have the roll dry, but that’s another story. The fact that I only had a single roll with how I was feeling, and not more and worse foods, is a minor win.

    I slept much better last night than I did the previous two, both because I did not have to get up several times to visit the bathroom and because the discomfort was much less. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was 82 (both with good balance, and a full 7h54 minutes), and my body battery was 43 when I woke up… which is still lousy, but it is still much higher than the 16 that I had yesterday morning. I am still going to take it easy today, but I might get onto the treadmill when I get home… I know that had I tried to exercise yesterday it would have been a total disaster.

    I am nearly finished with my second meal replacement of the day. I am still feeling at least some need to sit on the toilet before I go out, but it is not as pressing as it was so many times yesterday. As I taught last night, I had to keep a ten-minute timer on standby so that if I needed to (as I did twice during my class) I could give the students a break without them not knowing when I would return. Were I teaching today I would be doing the same thing, but if things continue as they have, I doubt I will need to by the time Monday’s class starts.

    I am going to drive to Grimsby this afternoon to pick up a shirt that I ordered. I am excited to see it – while I have a few items with Masonic logos on them, this will be the first that I have with my Lodge’s logo. It is very exciting! Yes, for someone who spent so many years essentially branded by Microsoft, and who later vowed to not be ‘logoed’ anymore, that is weird… but Freemasonry is different. I am not advertising a corporation but am instead proudly sporting the logo of a fraternal organization of which I am proud to be a member.

    Okay, I am going to head out… after a quick (hopefully) stop on the potty. I look forward to no longer needing to plan every trip out of the house around unpredictable bowel movements. I hope that by the time I am back the rain will be in the rearview mirror and that I can once again enjoy relaxing on the balcony with a good book.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 769

    After yesterday’s horrible 2.4 lbs. gain, it was a relief to drop most of a pound this morning. I understand that I am not as active this week as I would like – what with the class that I am teaching, but also with my recovering from a terrible head cold (in addition to nearly a week of diarrhea), I have not been in the right headspace (or I suppose body space) to work out. I am still not feeling great, and do not expect to be back on the treadmill before the weekend.

    I made a pretty spontaneous decision yesterday… I booked another trip to Havana for the last week of March. Yes, that is scarcely a month after I got back from my last trip… but it might also be my last opportunity to go away for a few months, as I am starting a teaching contract April 1 that will have me teaching three evenings per week until the end of July. That is good news for my ability to earn a living and pay my bills but does not bode quite so well for my ability to go away… at least not to destinations where reliable Internet is a myth.

    I am skipping dinner tonight… sort of. I have a couple of errands I need to run, and then I am going to Hamilton to pick out a couple of new shirts to have tailored for me. Yes, it is that time again… the Hong Kong tailor is here for a couple of days, and while I have been in the dumps lately, I am going to get a couple of new shirts, and maybe a new sports jacket. I don’t know… something new to brighten my wardrobe for the summer. We’ll see. In any event, I know that I will be out of the house from 5:30 until 9:15 or so, and I am not going to eat that late; I will take a protein bar with me in case I get hungry though… and maybe I’ll pick up some peanuts.

    By the way, when I do get home from all of those errands, I will have a meeting with my diet buddy. We have not spoken since before I left for Cuba… it will be great to chat with her again!

    Tomorrow morning, I have to go to get a document notarized. I would give anything to change that… but that’s life. Not all of life is pleasant, and not all of it is in our control. We can only control ourselves, and sometimes the whims, perceptions, and mental issues of others can crash down on us. The best that we can do is survive and try to recover. That is what I will do.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 765

    I am still not feeling 100%, but I know I have been doing the right thing by resting and staying close to home. I have been invited to a herf to smoke cigars with some friends this evening but I am going to stay home. It is not only that I should be coming down from the massive amount of cigars I smoked while in Cuba, but also because I simply need to allow myself the time to get better. I am going to run out to the store for a little while because I need some supplies, but other than that I have no reason to not relax and recuperate.

    I will eat normally today, and I will make sure I have done everything that I need to prepare for the class that I am delivering this week. Microsoft Learn has made it a lot more complicated to download courseware over the last couple of years. Fortunately, I was able to figure it out, and I will spend some time reading the newest version of the course to make sure there are no surprises waiting for me… and for my students.

    Okay, I guess I should get my day going… I will run to the store to pick up the few items that I need, and then I will come home to prepare lunch.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 764

    I am still sick today, and I am going to take it easy. Princess Sophie and I stayed in bed until after 9:15am (which for me is nearly unheard of), and then after my morning ritual, we went for our walk.

    I have been asked to define what I mean by ‘sick.’ I have a head cold and have been sneezing and my nose has been running unabated since Wednesday. Owing to that, my nostrils are chapped and a bit painful, but I bought a ChapStick (not the brand, but similar) to ease that. I have also had… soft stool (a very polite way to say it) these last couple of days. For me to sit down in the airplane washroom on a three-hour flight is unheard of unless I am having issues. I do not think that these issues are related to anything that I ate or drank (although I suppose that is possible) but because of a bug of some sort. I will live. As I said, I will take it easy today and tomorrow, and I’ll be fine for my class next week.

    I was on the fence a couple of times during the trip, especially when I was eating a lot of pasta and on the days when I was drinking somewhat heavily (there were two such days). I also know that my 36-hour travel ordeal was not going to help. With that said, I was quite pleased to discover this morning that I weigh five pounds less today than I did the morning I flew out. I guess all of that walking really paid off!

    I ate a very late breakfast today, so I do not intend to eat my next meal until 3:00pm or so, as such, I likely will not be having dinner, although I might pick up challah rolls to ring in the Sabbath. We’ll see.

    You may have noticed these last few days that I am back to signing off with ‘Have a great day!’ which I had dropped since the problems began in early November. I am not going to discuss them in any detail, but one of the reasons for my trip to Cuba was to reset. I think I did that successfully and even though I wish things had gone differently, sometimes there is nothing one can do to fix someone else’s problems. I wish her health and happiness but am getting ready to move on with my life. For everyone who has told me that there are plenty of fish in the sea… I am not ready for anything real and will start with catch-and-release for the foreseeable future. With that said, at least I have come back from Cuba with a slightly clearer head than I had two weeks ago. (Not to mention five pounds lighter!)

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 437

    I’m on my way! Very excited to be sure.

    Two things happened yesterday. 1) I dropped below my best weight ever. 2) I dropped off the program… at least temporarily.

    I wrote about Number 1 in yesterday’s article, and that’s all good.

    So why did I drop off the program? Do I lack the willpower? I do not. Did I succumb to temptation? I did not. The simple answer is that I listened to my body. Nearly all week I have been suffering from bowl issues. Monday and Tuesday it would have been easy to write off to the foods that I ate over the weekend. By the time Friday afternoon rolls around and I am still having troubles, with the added consequence of the hemorrhoids (which are almost certainly related to the diarrhoea), and I have to accept that my body is trying to tell me something. Since Sunday I have jogged fifty kilometres, an average of over 8km per day. With the exception of Sunday, I have ingested little more than 900 calories per day. I am not a doctor, but I would not be surprised if my body were just saying that I have been overdoing it. After speaking with Leslie, I decided to make some food. I went a bit overboard… I had veggie burgers, then a bag of mini crisps. I am sure that tomorrow morning my weight will pop above this morning’s record-breaker, but I would rather be healthy.

    This morning I arrived at the airport and decided that while I would not be going nuts today, I would also not be restricting myself the way I have for so long. I sat down at the same restaurant where I had breakfast last time and ordered something different. After reading the description I realized that the breakfast poutine was not nearly as bad as it sounded, so I decided to give it a go. It was essentially scrambled eggs and cheese over hashbrowns, and it was quite tasty. I will likely have a salad for lunch today, but not because it is the only thing that I can eat without falling off a cliff. I will stay mindful, but I am going to give myself a fair bit more leeway over the next week than I have previously.

    I gained weight this morning according to the bathroom scale. I am two pounds up from yesterday, and no longer in best weight ever territory… but I am also trying to get my body back to health. As I stood waiting for my flight this morning, I remembered that it is so easy when one is not feeling well to think the worst, or to think that the pain or discomfort will be the new normal. I do not think that so, and I know that in a few days I will be getting back to normal with my issues. That does not mean I will be getting back to my full-fast program; that is something I will be giving a lot more thought to.

    I have been telling myself these last few weeks that I am nearing the end of my full-fast phase of weight loss, and at a certain point it will be time to ween myself off it. I have not made any decisions yet, but following my trip, assuming I am feeling better, I am going to speak with my doctor and am probably going to resume my partial program – three shakes and one meal per day, or two plus two. I think my intake might depend on my exercise. I think, however, that if these last couple of days is actually my body telling me to slow down, then before I resume anything serious, I want my doctor to give me an examination (including blood work) to make sure I am not doing any damage. I do not think that I am, but I have said from the very beginning that I want to do this the right way.

    I am presently 30,000 feet over South Bend, Indiana… I do not usually post from airplanes, but it is not unheard of. The rest of the day, following my arrival, will have fun, sun, and cigars. No word on my plans just yet because where I am going I will have to rely on others.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 412

    I continued my streak yesterday, running for three kilometres and then walking six. My jogging pace is picking up a little bit which is good. I am looking forward to seeing how well I will be able to do when the roads and sidewalks are all dry, and I can wear my nicer running shoes.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3 km (3.04km)
    • Duration: 23:08 (24:51)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 7m42s (8m10s)
    • Steps: 3,600 (3,800)
    • Calories burned: 355*
    • Elevation gain: 0 (29m) *
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 156 (154)

    * I suspect there was an issue with my devices, as I am reasonably sure that the walk was not completely flat… and jogging the same distance as I did Sunday, it is unlikely that I burned less than half the calories.

    Walking

    • Distance: 6.05 km
    • Duration: 1:06:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m56s
    • Steps: 7,500
    • Calories burned: 689
    • Elevation gain: 37m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 112

    I am not sure why it is that a couple of hours after I came in, I started feeling nauseous and light-headed. It might have to do with the weather, or I might just be pushing myself a bit. The fact that my apps are telling me that I am burning more calories per day than I am consuming is not necessarily a bad thing… but yesterday I set out a little after noon, and unlike all of my previous outings I decided to wait until I got back home before drinking my second meal replacement. That might have been ill-advised. I will make sure, going forward, that I am not straddling the line of when I should be eating… I will make sure to set out after having one.

    The result of my not feeling well was that I lay down for a nap. Knowing I had to be awake to teach my class, I set an alarm. I felt a little better in time for class, but by the end of it I was ready to get back into bed. I will be keeping an eye on my body these next two days… There is no way that I am going to push myself so hard that I fly to Dallas under the weather. We will see how I am feeling tomorrow, but I know that I have an appointment in the middle of the day, and that might get in the way of when I would usually want to head out. If I have to put the brakes on jogging for a couple of days, then I will… if I have to.

    My weight was up this morning, but only by .2 lb. It is frustrating when you do everything right for so long, and then you see the regression… but I know that over the last four days I lost nearly four pounds, and it is not unreasonable for there to be that slight adjustment. I will live with it. I got a frantic text from my weight loss buddy this morning who was upset that on the four-month anniversary of her surgery, she found herself up .7 lb., which she was quite distraught over. I called her and reminded her that she is not .7 lb. up from four months ago, only from yesterday… and she is really severely slimmer (and lighter) than she was four months ago. I reminded her of the importance of the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph. This calmed her down significantly; she thanked me for calling and told me that she needed to hear that. She also told me about two encounters over the past few days where people have commented on how fabulous she looks. In one of those encounters she blew it off and attributed it to her new haircut and outfit, but the other was an old friend and she brought her into the circle of people who know. She knows that I advise people to keep that circle as small as possible; it is nobody’s business a) That she is losing weight, b) How she is losing weight, and c) How much weight she has lost. She agrees, but this was an old friend that she trusts.

    I realized this morning that I was out of my gourmet coffee, and I had to grind some of my Cuban coffee to make the pot. I will definitely go shopping today. It is not that I do not like the Cuban coffee, but it is not quite as tasty as what I usually make for myself. I only have one more whole pot of coffee to make before I fly to Dallas, but I should have it in the house for when I get back to Canada. I have a number of other errands to run today, and while I would usually go to a particular supermarket to pick up the coffee that I really like, there are a few things I need to pick up at Fortino’s (including my shoes, but also certain treats that I will be bringing to Dallas to surprise my wife), so I will just get coffee there… despite their having discontinued the particular blend that I used to favour. I will do that before my therapy appointment, which for the first time will be in-person. Until now our sessions have all been on the phone, but due to my being unavailable for our usual Thursday session, she had this appointment available. It will force me to get out of the house, which will, in turn, force (or at least encourage) me to go to pick up my shoes, along with the treats and the coffee. While I am out, I might also pop up to Milton to see Ryan, who has been encouraging me to change my windshield wipers at his shop. If I had computer advice for him, I would expect him to follow it. He knows cars and especially windshields (which is his business), so I have been planning to do that since he told me to… but my schedule has not allowed for it. This afternoon I can do it.

    Sometimes the universe puts things in place that just make sense. For the first time in several days, the sun is out but temperatures are -4°, and the wind is blowing cold… and picking up significantly in the afternoon. Today would not be a good day to be jogging, or at least it would be quite uncomfortable. I could easily plan to go to the gym for a couple of hours, but I have really been pushing myself these last few days so if I do, I will take it easy. Maybe a few weight machines, twenty minutes on the treadmill, and then a hydro massage followed by a good shvitz. I probably will not do any of that, but I will also not be suiting up for a jog outside… which I enjoy so much more than the gym. I suspect that my next several workouts – outdoors or otherwise – will take place in Dallas. Leslie and I talked about going to the gym in her apartment complex together, which sounds like a wonderful activity that we can share.

    I suppose, looking at it, I have quite a few items on my calendar for today, even though it looks bare. I have my therapist at 1:30pm, but I also have to run several errands. All of that will keep me busy, which is not a bad thing. I much prefer being busy than not being busy. I might try to do some studying today, but I might also just relax with my book. I downloaded a book onto my e-reader before I flew to Dallas last time, and I had not picked it up in several weeks until just a few nights ago. It is a crime drama from before the time when cops had cellular phones, and aside from the pure kitschy predictability of their stereotypical behaviour (bad-ass LAPD cop on the outs with his chain of command is paired up with the female FBI agent for a case that nobody thinks is a real case, and not only do they find evidence but they also end up sleeping together), it is funny when he says something like, ‘My pager started beeping, so I pulled off the road alongside the first payphone I saw.’ Kids today would not believe how different the world they know is from the one I grew up in. Still and all, it takes place in Los Angeles, and it is interesting to see how different my reading of that city is now that I have lived there. I wonder what it would be like to go back and read the Decker/Lazarus novels that I read for so many years, never having known where the Foothills, or Van Nuys or Tarzana or any of the other geographic references that they made were. All this to say that it would be nice to sit on the couch with my book and take just one day away from my cybersecurity and networking studies and teaching. I make no delusions that I might sit outside with a cigar though… the winds were unpleasant this morning and they are forecast to get worse as the day progresses.

    Until I started on the full-fast program, and not even at first, but really since I returned from Dallas just five weeks ago and resumed it, the predictability of my body schedule has gone out the window. For years I have reliably sat on the throne in the morning and produced. I have alternately referred to my morning routine and morning ritual, which has always meant heading to the washroom, taking my pills, brushing my teeth, and sitting on the throne (often for longer than necessary while checking e-mail, Facebook, and whatever else). I would then shower, shave, and then walk to the bedroom to weigh myself on the (no longer appropriately named) bathroom scale before getting dressed, and then taking HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk. Over these last few weeks, including today, I have sat unproductive on the toilet for long enough to realize that nothing was coming, and then I would continue with the routine. Were this something I kept an active record of, I would be able to count on one hand (maybe two) the number of times over the past two years that I have had not had a successful bowel movement, or when I have had one after 9:00am. That is, until this past month. It really has been weird, but I have to accept that my body is changing in so many ways… most of them positive, but I did like the predictability.

    Speaking of changes, I noticed something today that is hard to describe but impossible to miss. Looking at my naked body in the mirror, the shape of my stomach has changed. On the sides there are these massive… indents? I don’t know how to describe them… but I do know that there was a time not too long ago that my belly extended from one side of my body to the other. Now it seems to be pushed in on the sides… except that is not right, because if it was pushed in, then it would extend out further. Imagine taking a balloon in your hands and squeezing it. The volume of the balloon does not change, only the distribution of it, right? That is not what is happening with my belly. It is pushed in on the side, but it is not pushing out. That has to be a huge non-scale victory, as well as an indicator of a couple of things: the first is that I am absolutely losing weight at a tremendous rate… and really, I have now lost over 125 pounds, so there is no denying that. The second is that I am beginning to see the sagging skin that I wrote about last week. When all this is over I will need to have surgery to have excess skin removed, or else I will look like… what? I don’t know, but I cannot imagine going through the rest of my life with all of that excess skin hanging down. I know! I would look like a child wearing an adult costume… or more accurately, a slim man wearing a fat man’s suit. Only, the suit would be made of skin and not wool or silk. There will be more than one consequence to my years of obesity. One of the prices I will pay for that, and for no longer being that, is that I will have to go under the knife to have that excess skin removed. Once I do that, I cannot imagine I would ever want to gain weight again. The thought of it just disgusts me.

    A couple of days ago Leslie mentioned that she did not like the idea of my having weight loss surgery, be it Roux-en-Y, or any of the other options… but that she would support me if I felt I needed it. I told her that I do not want that… but I appreciate her willingness to support me. I also told her that when I am there, I will explain to her why I do not want to have the surgery, which is not a fear of going under the knife, but much more than that… and more than I want to explain over a video chat or by text. I have given a lot of thought to it, especially since I was originally scheduled to have it in 2015 and was ultimately rejected from the program for reasons I will explain to her in person. I had not given it much thought of late, until October, when my diet buddy told me that she was going to do it. I do not know how much of it I have ever really discussed with anyone, so I am glad that I have had a few days to think about how to explain myself to Leslie. She is, after all, my wife. She is the one person from whom I do not want to keep any secrets, much less my thinking on weight loss, of which she has been so supportive over the past thirteen months.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. I am getting up to head to the airport in 42-hours, and this is just not the time to fall off the program. Thursday evening Leslie and I will get dressed up and we will go out for our sushi dinner, and I will have my first meal since the great nachos and salsa incident. If I can wait until then, I can enjoy that meal without guilt, indulging in the deliciously prepared raw fish on rice. If I were to break down now, then there would be little special about the meal itself, although being with Leslie would be enough special to make up for it. No, I should be sharing my first meal in nearly a month with her, and not on any tempting cheats that might present themselves between now and then. Stay on track, stay mindful, stay focused; if I do that, it is entirely possible that when I arrive in Dallas, I will weigh a full twenty pounds less than when I left.

    Have a great day folks!