Losing a part of me

Category: Willpower

  • Day 1047

    Yesterday I did pretty well on the program… until the evening. It is amazing how badly emotional pain can affect me. I cheated… but not badly. My eating yesterday consisted of:

    • Breakfast omelette
    • Two meal replacement shakes
    • One protein bar
    • Two poached eggs at night.

    Believe me, I wanted to cheat much worse than two poached eggs… but I did not.

    I also managed 5km on the treadmill, and for the second day in a row I hit the steps-goal on my fitness watch. Yesterday’s goal was 9,930, and I took just short of 11,000 steps. Today’s steps-goal is 10,130. I will do my best to get onto the treadmill and hit that goal, but frankly my exam is this afternoon, and that is my number one priority. If I can get some studying in and then hit the treadmill, then I will be thrilled. If not, then I will try to get onto the treadmill after the exam. That, however, might be tight because of a few other things I have going on today.

    There is a site called MapMyFitness.com which I have mentioned a couple of times over the past couple of years. I do not think I have mentioned it this year, but last year they had a challenge to walk/run 1023km in 2023. This year they extended that challenge to 1024km in 2024. This is not about the number of steps we take throughout the day, rather only in actual registered workouts. I hit the ground running early in the year, but then fell off a few times. I have start-stopped my walking so many times that it is hard to keep track of. Of course, on days when I do not do an actual workout, I often register my walks with Princess Sophie for the challenge, so even with nothing else, considering the average distance I walk with the doggo per day is 3km, without any other workouts I should still surpass 1024km handily by mid-December. However, since I do not always register our walks together, and since I spent a lot of time out of town (whether in Cuba or Dallas), I have not walked her about ten weeks this year. Yes, I do a lot of walking when I am in Cuba… but I do not register walking around as exercising. Anyways, I am happy that with yesterday’s treadmill walk I surpassed 1000km on the year, and I am now a scant 18km from reaching the goal. I thought there was a prize drawing for all of the people who completed the challenge, but sometime in the last few months it seems the site was sold by Under Armour to a company called Outside, and they do not seem to be offering any prizes other than the online badge. I am okay with that, since only 2-3 participants who finished the challenge would have been chosen at random for a prize package, and I have a better chance of getting hit by space debris than winning (186,000 participants, and I am in the top 12.51%, which means that a little over 23,200 people have either completed or are within 18km of completing the goal. I’m good with the online badge!

    My sleep score was only 79 last night, but I felt much better rested than I usually do in the morning. That might have something to do with my having gotten up at 4:15am to pee and thinking as I lay there that I might as well get out of bed because I was not falling back a…. and then I was out again. My body battery only got up to a 56, and I really have no idea how to improve on that… other than losing all of the weight that I want to lose, and then figuring out how to get a good night’s sleep.

    My weight dropped for the third day in a row, but only by half a pound. While I would love much bigger losses, I have to understand that going forward I will need to be happy with a 3-4 pound drop per week, and will not be experiencing those huge per-day losses as I did at the outset. I just don’t have that much excess weight to lose that would account for a 10 lbs. drop week after week. If I can lose 3.5 lbs. per week for the next ten weeks then I will still not be at my best weight ever… but I will fit comfortably into all of my custom tailored clothes… except for what might be too large on me.

    I was speaking with my diet buddy yesterday and recognized a pattern in her that I brought up, and we had a good chat about it. Every time she talks about her progress or slipping, she spends fifteen minutes talking about how other people look and what they do and how they must look at her… and at the end she says, ‘and of course I am disappointed with myself.’ I told her that it seems that she equates her own value to how others are or how they look, but because everyone tells her that weight loss should be for ourselves she ends it with ‘oh and me.’ It is like someone going on and on about what is wrong with Jews, and then saying, ‘but of course I don’t have anything against Jews.’ It is obvious they do, but they know it is wrong, so they say that. I asked her if she has ever spoken to a professional about her weight issues. It seems to me that she will never be satisfied with her weight until she is happy with who she is as a person. I think I gave her a lot to think about, and she told me that she is going to try to find a therapist for that. I am always happy when I can help her… or anyone else for that matter.

    …now if I could only get my own head in a good place, life would be grand.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 720

    I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am nearly up to 270 lbs.; I am going to get back on my program for a week or two when I get back from Dallas next week.

    It would be nice to have some time today to get onto the treadmill; alas, I am working from 8:00am to 11:00pm with a lunch break (during which I have a meeting) and a dinner break (during which I have to eat) and will not have time. The entire week is like this, and I can’t help but wish there were more hours in the day.

    At the end of my class last night, I took Her Floofness for a walk and then sat on the balcony with a cigar. I was exhausted, but I was also wound up. I selected a shorter cigar, and truth be told I did not really enjoy it… I just enjoyed relaxing and not doing anything.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 689

    Must… stop… snacking… and cheating.

  • Day 516

    Another day, another expected weight gain, another noticeable drop. Yesterday I had toast with nut butter and farm-fresh Niagara jam for breakfast, then the leftover baked potato dish that Leslie had prepared the previous evening. I had some mini crisps as a snack to tide me over, but I did not have too many. For dinner I prepared a meal of portobello mushrooms in a lovely marinade that Leslie found on the Internet, with a side of rice. The recipe calls for grilling the mushrooms, but I fried them because I cannot easily grill with the facilities available to me. For dessert we were opulent, and that is from where I expected the weight gain. We opened the pint of ice cream that we had purchased and shared some. Neither of us went overboard, but that did not prevent my thinking that I likely would be gaining weight. In fact the bathroom scale showed a one pound drop from the day before, which was a nice surprise.

    Yesterday did not go as planned. I spent a lot more time dealing with some of the issues I wanted to resolve, and when it was all said and done, I decided to spend more time relaxing rather than jogging. I am going to try to get out there today. I know I will not be breaking any records, but if I can at least make an effort to lace up my shoes and take the first steps then I can start getting back into it… rather than just saying I need to get back into it.

    I made a number of realizations recently. There are several embarrassing effects of morbid obesity that I kept hidden away as much as I could. At my largest I would have issues with streaks staining my underwear… and if I was not careful then occasionally a bed or chair. It has been over a year since I have had these issues, and I am relieved. If there were no other reason to not gain the weight back, then it would be the shame of a grown man soiling his pants. I do not know if I have ever written about that problem – it was just too embarrassing. Now that it is behind me, I can admit that it was something that happened to me… but it is a thing of the past.

    The second realization that I came to is that minor weight variations have a stark effect on the way clothes fit… or do not. When I was much larger most of my clothes were XXXL. Now that I am smaller, I am mostly wearing clothes that are measured. When I gain a couple of pounds, I can feel that they are tighter, and when I lose a couple of pounds, I feel that they hang looser. I put a shirt on yesterday afternoon that was tighter than I remember it being a couple of months ago when I purchased it, and I decided to change out of it. When I lose another five pounds or so it should fit much better.

    Lastly, I realized that I was able to snack in moderation. I ate ten of the mini crisps and then closed the bag. I did not count them out or put them on a plate, I just ate them from the bag… and then closed the bag. For dessert I had a reasonable amount of ice cream, and then I put it away. It was not that long ago when I would never have a half-eaten bag of mini crisps, or a pint of ice cream that was less than half-eaten in the house. I ate some, was satisfied, and was able to put them away. That is mindfulness, and that is progress!

    I am going to do some studying today and try to get a bit closer to my next certification. For lunch I am preparing salmon sandwiches, but we have not discussed what to do for dinner. I will look through the freezer and pantry to see if there is anything tantalizing, but I suspect I will need to pay a visit to the supermarket. I know I have chicken in the freezer, but as often as I can eat chicken, I know Leslie prefers mixing it up. Maybe I’ll buy a nice piece of fish. We’ll see. I am teaching this evening so it will have to be an early dinner… or a late one. We will decide when the time is right.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 446

    Okay, let’s get back on track. Starting right now, I am on track again. The numbers on the bathroom scale this morning scared me straight, and I am back on the full fast program… at least, for now. I do not know how much longer I will do it, and I might transition to a partial program sometime soon… but I weigh nine pounds more than I did at my best weight ever, and I am going to shed that off in a hurry. Also, I know that in less than three weeks I am getting married to my wife (yes, we are already married, and yes, this is the ceremony we are looking forward to, not just the two of us in the courthouse), so I want to look as good as I can!

    Why, you may ask, did I gain so much weight from yesterday to today? It is easy to chalk it up to air travel, but I am the first to admit that I cheated… a lot. At the airport, I sat down for a meal of a veggie omelet, which is not at all bad. While I am sure they fry it in too much oil, and to make it tastier they add more cheese than necessary, I still know that three eggs at dinnertime was not my downfall. Nor, I should mention, was the remaining half-handful of almonds that I still had in my knapsack from the flight down. It was the bag of chips that I bought at the airport, knowing that the only snacks available to me on the plane would not be kosher for Passover. Also, it was the meal replacement that I had after midnight when I came home, not wanting to go to bed hungry. Two really stupid moves. It was already going to take me at least a few days to get back down to my best weight ever… now I am just that much farther from it. The journey starts now, and it starts with me back on the program, and it continues with me getting out to jog today.

    It is a beautiful day in Burlington, but I miss Leslie already. It is always wonderful when we are together, and so much more difficult each time we are apart. I know that this will change eventually, but not soon enough for us.

    The forecast for today is sunny until 3:00pm, at which point it clouds over. By noon (in an hour) the temperatures should be around 13°, going up to 17° over the following two hours. That should be the sweet spot for my first outdoor jog in a couple of weeks. When I get home, after I shower, I will have my second meal replacement of the day, and then I will probably sit outside on the balcony with a cigar. I am teaching this evening, and tomorrow during the day I have to work on my cybersecurity presentation that I am doing on Friday. I have already created the outline for it, now I just have to fill in all of the slides, and then write a script for it. This should be fun, but as with my last one, it will be a lot of work!

    I am not treating today as another Day 1 on the program; It is simply the day that I return to it from holiday. While I am reasonably sure the meal replacements are not strictly kosher for Passover, they will do me fine, and Hashem will understand. In 2020 I fell off the wagon hard after Yom Kippur. That will not happen this time around. I went over some bumps, but I am righting the ship… starting right now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 403

    I told Leslie last night that this morning I would weigh less than 274 lbs., and I was right. In fact, I beat it by a whole pound. Who knows? Maybe it is because according to my comparative chart to my 2020 race for my best weight, in that attempt I knew there was a tremendous day-over-day loss… or maybe it is simply because I have been sticking to my program, not cheating at all, and I had a really good bowel movement yesterday afternoon. More on that later, if you can believe it. Even dropping 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, I still lost ground on my comparison, based on a 2.6 lbs. drop from then. No matter… in the race to my best weight from 2017, I am now just over half a pound away… if I do not achieve it tomorrow, then it will certainly be by Tuesday.

    This is not the first time during my journey that the bathroom scale has shown a very slight gain from Day X to Day X+1, only to make up for it greatly on Day X+2. Looking back on the last few weeks, this is the third time since I am home from Dallas that it has happened. With the exception of the Great Nacho Chips & Salsa Debacle, my weight loss trend has been down quite steadily since then. For me to lose twenty pounds in one month is tremendous, but it is hard to see when just looking at the scale day after day. I decided to export a graph from Excel to show it:

    clip_image002

    While there are a couple of distinct spikes, the overall trend is undeniable. The only conclusion that can be derived from this is that what I am doing is working!

    I did end up going to Milton for a cigar with Sam yesterday, and it was delightful. Eduardo did not join us, which changed the dynamic. Sam and I have not had a discussion like we had in a while. It was quite nice. On my way there, I stopped by Starbucks, and once again I was disappointed by the coffee. Now that I am not adding sugar to my coffee, I am not sure if I simply do not like the blend that I chose, or if I am simply going to have to prepare my coffee at home from now on. The next time I go, I will try a different blend. If I don’t like that, then I will save some money, so it is not the worst thing… and I will save my shekels for when I want to splurge for a latté… especially when I am smoking a particular cigar with my wife.

    When I got home, I was finally able to have a really good bowel movement. It is rare, since I am on the full-fast, that I am able to have a really good BM, and tis was the second one this week. I am frankly a little amazed that I was able to do it… but it is painful, and I am going to have to look into a fibre supplement or something. The next time I go out, I will stop into the pharmacy and pick up a fibre supplement. I asked one of my support groups for opinions on which work best, and if there is one thing I have found in these groups it is that a lot of people are willing to share their opinions and experiences. It is one of the few places (aside from the occasional article here) where I am okay discussing my digestive tract, and the workings thereof. There are some things that I just do not like talking about with most of my friends…

    My diet buddy is coming over after my study group today. When I reached out to her yesterday, she told me that she really wanted to come because she had a bad week. I really hope that is only on her diet. I know that her kids were in town for study week, and she was worried about the food that would be readily available. I will do everything I can to talk her through getting back on track. I know that she will do fine though. I know a lot of people who have had bariatric surgery and who have gained the weight back, and I know she needs my support to not let that happen. The surgery makes it easy to lose the weight initially, but the psychology of food addiction makes it hard to keep it off. That is where having a diet buddy to call or text is most important.

    After my time in the loo yesterday I decided to once again try on my Size-36 pants. That was a mistake. I am not going to try them on again until I am at my Best Weight Ever. I am nineteen pounds away from that goal and am not even sure if they will fit then. I know that none of them (and admittedly there is a range of an inch or more when holding up the waists to each of them) are even close to fitting now, and every time I try them, I am reminded again that I am not there yet. It may take another six weeks, but I will put a note on the bin to leave it in the closet until I am there. I do not know what I was thinking in September 2020, but I have seven pair of pants in that size. It is a good thing that I should be in them for a while!

    I decided over the last few days to order a couple of new belts. It is amazing to think that when I separated out all of my clothes into bins a year ago, I had something like ten belts that did not fit me, but that once did. Looking in my armoire this morning I have three belts that fit me, one that is not only a bit long, but is stretched out and ratty, and none that are too small. Of the belts that fit, none of them are on the last hole. In fact, they are all on the third or fourth hole. A few months ago, I remember ordering Size 38 belts, and then returning them because they did not fit yet; at the time it did not seem like they ever would. I eventually bought them again, but only once I was sure. This time, despite the belts most likely not fitting yet, I know that they will within the next 4-6 weeks. I want to be ready, especially when my new tailored pants and sports jacket come in (which likely will not be until mid-May), by which point I will definitely be sporting that smaller size.

    The forecast for today is above zero for most of the afternoon. While I told my buddy in Cambridge that I will not be driving out there today (most likely we will do it next week), I messaged Sam and we might get together after my diet buddy leaves. We’ll see… I did not feel like making the trek out to Cambridge, but Milton is not nearly as long. As well, it is easier to stay on track there… the man cave in Cambridge has snacks and temptations everywhere you look, and I just do not feel like I have the capacity to avoid them all today. It is one thing to not go looking for junk; it is quite another to have it readily available and have to stay strong throughout the afternoon. There are days when I know that I have the willpower. Today is not one of those days. I have been feeling more tempted than usual to cheat these last few days. I have not done it, but I am not going to put myself in that position today. It is bad enough that I know what I have in the freezer should I decide to eat… that would require food preparation. Sitting within easy reach of a handful of nuts (and then another handful, followed by peanut-filled pretzels) requires nothing other than letting my guard down for just a moment. That moment will not be today. Once I get past today, I know that this week is a maelstrom of long days – teaching morning to night three days, and then Thursday evening I will head to the tailor to be measured for my new clothes. I am really excited about that… especially knowing that I will almost certainly weigh less than I did when I first got measured by them in 2017!

    I guess I should get moving. My study group starts in a few minutes, and I should publish my blog and get ready. Oh, I also realized that cutting my coffee down to half a pot per day is going to wait… I really felt it Friday, and that was an easy day compared to the week I have ahead.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Weight Loss Platitudes

    In one of my support groups on Facebook, someone was sharing her fears about being around all of the temptations that will be in her house for the Super Bowl. Several of us gave her practical advice, and she will either follow it or not, but I am sure we all hope she will succeed.

    One person posted: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

    I want to be clear that I feel that this statement is absolutely true, and that looking back on the 390 days of my depriving myself of all of the foods that I love, when I look at myself in pictures (not yet in the mirror) I really feel good about myself, and the only thing I would change is that I would have cheated less so that I could be further along my journey than I am. Skinny feels great! (At least, skinnier does… I have not felt skinny since I was in the Army.)

    With that said, the original poster was sharing her fears and feelings about a real challenge, and not about a generalization. I wonder how helpful this very clever platitude will be when she comes face to face with pizza, wings, chips, beer, and sodas all over her house, and there for the taking.

    There are so many of these platitudes out there and they are all true. I just wonder how helpful any of them actually are. Yes, we all know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint; we know that losing weight is hard and being fat is hard, so choose your hard. We have been told a thousand times to not eat our emotions, and that fat loss is a mental challenge rather than a physical one. Of course, we know that our desire to change must be greater than our desire to stay the same, and that we have to change our habits in order to change our bodies… and that if we have discipline, drive, and determination, then nothing is impossible. We are aware that we did not gain all of the weight in a day, so we should not expect to lose it in a day.

    All of those statements are inspirational, and I think there is a place for each and every one of them. Weight loss is a mental challenge, and it is an emotional one. We cannot expect to help people with strictly practical advice, especially when they are feeling down or despondent or weak. We have to inspire their emotions and their mentality so that they can either stay on track, or too often get back on it.

    We all respond differently to different situations. When I started the program the second time, my doctor was an Army veteran, so when I told him that I did not want him to blow smoke up my six, he understood that I needed the regimented discipline from him that he would have given his soldiers. He understood that I would not respond to the inspirational platitudes that so many of his patients needed to get ahead. Today I may feel a little different than I did then, but more often than not, I prefer concrete advice than inspirational quotes.

    My wife has the unenviable task of trying to read my emotions and seeing if it is one of those rare times when I need the platitudes… or if she needs to be firm with me. Last night we were talking about ice cream (she loves a particular flavour that is only available in Canada) and I told her that I would have some in the house for her next visit… and that I might even have some in the freezer now. She told me that if I had gone out and bought ice cream that she would kick my butt… ice cream is one of my kryptonites, and she knows that having it in the house is a bad idea for me. If there was a pint in the freezer today, it would not be there by the time she comes next. More likely than not it would not still be there by Tuesday.

    At the same time, there have been several days when I have been down about my lack of progress this last week. She has been supportive in reminding me how well I have been doing, how far I have come, and how weight loss is about the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph.

    Leslie has learned (though a lot of difficult times) that there are times when I need her to be harsh with me, and there are times when I need her soft reassurances that I am doing well. I doubt that any dieter is all that different. So, when one of them comes out and says, ‘Oh my, I am disappointed that I have not lost weight this week!’ it is important to tell them that they are doing great, and to keep doing what they are doing, and the weight will come off. On the other hand, when someone says something like ‘This is what I have facing me today, and I am worried about how I am going to deal with it…’ then it is probably time for practical advice.

    I have often said that weight loss is simple, but it is not easy. Putting aside for a moment that this too is a platitude, I am not really sure how true it really is. Yes, if you consume less foods (and even less of the wrong ones), and if you exercise, you will lose weight. However, that only addresses the physical… and if you are in prison or the military, it might be true because you are given the food that should help you to lose weight. It does not take into account all of the mental and emotional stress and anguish that we go through when we make the choices that face us every day. Here is what you need to eat in order to lose two pounds per week. Great. That does not cover the anguish and anxiety, and it does not necessarily stay at the front of mind when we are on the go during our busy week.

    There is a place and time for platitudes… they truly can be inspirational. There is also a place and a time for practical advice. Knowing which is which is also not always easy.

  • Day 382

    It is because of my lovely wife Leslie that I did not add a grocery shopping trip to my plans for today. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I was hungry for most of the afternoon and evening, despite faithfully following the program. We were chatting last night, and I told her that the keto anger is real, and that my body is fighting back against my returning to the full fast program with no real food. I told her that I have to teach tomorrow (and all week) from 9:30am to 10:00pm, and that I did not know if I would be able to get through it without breaking the full-fast, meal replacements only diet. Maybe if I added just one smaller meal back into my routine then I would be able to get through without falling. Leslie reminded me how strong I have been, and how much I have relished in my success. She reminded me that I am not weak! She did not tell me that I was strong, which some people might have thought the right positive word to use; whether it was conscious or not, reminding me of what I do not want to be gave me something to think about… and another reason to stay strong – because I do not want to be weak! It worked… I am not going shopping today. I am sticking to the program. I am strong!

    This morning I approached the bathroom scale with the words ‘Please do not be higher than yesterday!’ on my breath. I was not only thinking it, I said it out loud. After five days of weight drops, I did not want to see the trend reverse. It did not… but it was not lower either. My weight this morning is exactly what it was yesterday morning. I know that is to be expected, but as I stepped off the bathroom scale I started thinking, ‘Okay, I did not lose any weight… and that is probably because I was not able to have a bowel movement for the second morning in a row.’ Of course, that is to be expected as I am not eating solid foods… the frequency of proper bowel movements can drop to 2-3 times per week. What can you do? In the meantime, I did not lose weight this morning… but I will tomorrow morning… and if I don’t, then there is always Tuesday!

    I made a minor change when I came back to Canada the other day. I do not know how long it will last, and I do not know how much of a difference it is likely to make. I have not been adding sugar to my coffee. I definitely prefer the taste with a little sweetness, but I promised myself that when I could completely cut sugar out, I would try. I was only drinking one cup of coffee per day in Dallas (albeit a huge one) and was putting a smaller amount of sugar into it than usual. I have been missing the sweetness, but I think I can make do… as long as I continue to drink premium coffee. If I find myself at Starbucks or Tim Hortons, I suspect I’ll be back on the sweet.

    Princess Sophie impressed her vet as always. She has gained a bit of weight, and the doctor said she does not have to lose any… but also should not gain anymore. She said that as she filled her with treats to cooperate. I should mention that she has gained three pounds in the nearly four years since I rescued her, and she is a very happy little girl. I will continue to feed her the same amount of food but might cut back on the treats a little.

    I planned to take a nice nap yesterday afternoon and be refreshed to face the evening. About seven minutes after I fell asleep my phone rang, so that idea went down the drain. I had not heard from this friend in a couple of months, and it was good to catch up… even at the expense of my rest. I spent a lazy afternoon at home though… I had nothing to do, and I know what a bear this coming week is going to be, so I decided I deserve it. I am pretty sure that (after my study group) my diet buddy will come over for a cup of coffee today. After that, either Eduardo will come here for a cigar, or he and I will go to hang out with another friend. We’ll see. Originally the forecast was for 6°, but that has been revised slightly downward… and it will be windy, so I am not so excited about sitting outside. I will see what the day holds. In the meantime, the Princess and I went for a walk this morning, and it was nowhere near as uncomfortably cold as it was yesterday.

    After my aborted nap yesterday, I was hungry. I am not sure if I was really hungry, or if I was bored. I do know that I wanted to eat, and even after my evening shake, I was still hungry. I decided that it was not a good idea to go through to bedtime that hungry. I took a very small portion of pumpkin seeds that I keep to put on salads… and then I took some sugar free mints that I have. I did not devour the package, but they did help me get through the evening. I suppose with the seeds and the Ice Breakers I did technically cheat, but not terribly. I know I would rather have a small, controlled cheat than fall off the program… and I know what I have in my freezer (not to mention the pantry), so that would have been a real possibility.

    It has been weeks since I dropped below the 300-pound mark, and yet every time I think about my weight, I am thinking it will be above that. When I prepared to step onto the scale this morning, I was not looking for a drop below 285 lbs… I was looking for a drop below 315 lbs. I have mentioned so many times over the course of my journey that the psychology of weight loss can be as difficult and sometimes more so than the physical losing of the weight. It was only ten days ago when Leslie took my picture and I posted the side-by-side comparison to the first day of my program, and the difference is so obvious as to be laughable. When I am not looking at the pictures, it is still easy to think of myself as that over-350 lbs. morbidly obese man whose clothes do not fit. I write that as I sit here comfortably wearing a casual button-down shirt from Polo that has not fit in so long… and with a t-shirt underneath it to boot. The proofs are in my face, and they are obvious, but that does not always mean that my psyche has caught up. I suppose that is one of the myriad reasons that when my therapist asked last session if I really need her, I did not hesitate for a moment to reply that I did… and I do… and I will. I told her that I have lived with ADHD for my entire life, and I have only been on the medications to rein the symptoms in for six weeks. I do not yet know how to deal with not having those symptoms constantly affecting me. Likewise, I have been obese my entire post-Army life, and I do not yet know how to not be so… I know that I stopped seeing her sometime around the time I moved from Burlington to Ottawa in 2017, and it was about that time when my weight loss abated, and I started on that slippery slope to gaining weight back. There were, of course, many factors involved with that… but I cannot help but wonder if I had stayed in Burlington and in therapy, would I have regained all of the weight? Until someone invents a time machine we will never know. I am here… and I am staying in therapy because I need it. Many years ago, my uncle moved to California. Shortly thereafter he told me that he had learned there are two types of people in the world: those who need therapy, and those who do not yet know that they need therapy. I do not know if that is true, but I do know that right now I fall squarely into that first group.

    Okay, I have things to do. My study partner is running late so I can either procrastinate and write more, or I can accomplish a few more things before my delayed group starts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 275

    I did slightly better yesterday than the previous couple of days, but I am still not happy with my cheating. I have to get off that merry-go-round. Leslie had a good talk with me about it, and I told her that I have just been out of sorts this week… in my head. I assured her that it is nobody’s fault but my own. I am hoping that with the coming of the weekend, and the nicer weather, I will be able to get back on track. While it might be windy, it should be warm enough for me to enjoy a cigar on the balcony after lighting the Shabbat candles this evening. I do not know if I am cheating because I have not smoked a cigar since Saturday, but they do help.

    This morning I got onto the scale before I showered and was a pound down from yesterday. I then got onto the same scale after I showered and weighed .2lbs more than yesterday. I am sticking with the first weigh-in… I don’t know how 20 minutes can make the difference of 1.2lbs, but I also know that weight loss can be maddeningly frustrating. Again, it is not the points on the graph that matter, it is the overall (hopefully downward) trend.

    If you ever wonder if people can really change for a person, I am sitting at my desk at 8:30am listening to the new Taylor Swift album, which dropped last night. It is pretty good! I am also enjoying a cup of coffee, waiting for my students to come into the room. I took Her Floofness for a walk, then came home and said my prayers before making my coffee and shake. Leslie is a huge fan of Ms. Swift, and while I will not automatically like anything for anyone, I am happy to give it a shot. She has a pretty good sound… so far, I think my favourite song on the album is called Vigilante Shit. I’m not sure why, but I like it!

    Today is going to be a tough day of teaching. It is the last day of class, and I am way behind in the material, so I will have to zip through a lot of it. Normally, I lecture for a bit, and then give the students lab work to do. I am likely going to leave all of the labs for the end of the day (and the weekend) because I have to get through all of the lectures. I am rarely in this spot, but I have been in worse spots… the students should be happy in the end!

    My goal for the day is to not cheat. I will have my chicken and salad for lunch, and the only carbs I will have are in the challah and wine I have for the Shabbat blessings. If I can make it through to the end of class, then I will be able to have a nice bit of challah, and that should satisfy my out-of-band hungers for the day. All I have to do is get to 5:00pm… and the peace and blessings of the Sabbath, which along with challah and wine will also bring a cigar.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 212

    It is good to be back on track.

    Yesterday evening I was tired… but that did not stop me from going to Taekwondo. I made a mistake with the schedule, thinking that Thursday evening there were two classes that were appropriate for me – the senior belts class, and the adult class. After putting on my dobok, I walked into the gym only to realize that I was looking at a children’s class.

    I had told myself that I wanted to spend a lot of time stretching during class, I took the opportunity to carve out a small corner in the back of the room and did just that for nearly the entire class. When it was time for the actual senior belts class to start, I was not exactly limber… but I was ready to go.

    I need to do that more often. Just spend the full class stretching, regaining the mobility that I once had. It was never great – I have never been as flexible or as graceful as so many other martial artists, many of whom I have trained with and trained. My kicks are powerful and effective, but I would never win a competition based on beauty and style. However, I will do what I can to improve my flexibility, at least to the point where I was ten years ago. That will involve a great deal more stretching… and not only on occasional Tuesdays and Thursdays.

    Remember how angry I was at my bathroom scale the last two days? This morning it effectively apologized to me, with a massive 2-pound drop from yesterday. That brought me back into the ‘best weight yet’ territory, as I am now a full .6 pound less than my previous best. Unfortunately, my week-over-week loss is only one pound down from last Friday. While I do not consider a single pound drop in a week to be a good week, but I have to remember what I wrote: One pound lost is three pounds of progress. There are days when I just find it so hard to be patient with tiny steps, when I want to take giant leaps… especially when I am doing almost everything right. Just the other night, Leslie reminded me that patience is not one of her virtues. I guess in a lot of ways it is not always one of mine either.

    As I said yesterday, I will almost certainly drop below the 320-pound mark before I fly to Dallas on Wednesday, but it is extremely unlikely that I will drop as far as 315-pounds. I would need to lose another six pounds from today until Wednesday, which is only five days away. No, that will not happen… but as I have said, I aimed for the stars and while I missed, I still hit the moon. I have already lost better than twenty pounds since I returned from Dallas less than two months ago, and ten pounds per month is nothing to sneeze at… especially when some of that time has been as emotionally charged and difficult as it has been.

    I was considering buying a steak for lunch today, but decided against it. My indulgence from last week had no deleterious effects on me, and to celebrate the Sabbath is it proper to have a celebratory meal. I decided against it for a number of reasons, including cost. With that said, I have decided that while I will not be cutting red meat out (as have so many people), I am happy making it an occasional treat and not a regular part of my diet. I had a steak last week and it was wonderful. Maybe when I am back from Dallas, I will have another one. Once per month seems a reasonable cadence… and I have always loved chicken so it is not a hardship for me!

    Speaking of which, I just prepared my lunch. I am hungry, but it is still 90 minutes from meal time. I can survive that, no problem! I just wish I could pop a snack in my mouth to satisfy my hunger, but I know that either my hunger is really in my mind, or if it is in my stomach then I have to learn to control it. There were times in my life when other people controlled my food – when I was a kid and when I was in the Army – and if I got hungry between meals I could either complain about it or live with the hunger, knowing that it was temporary. I have to re-learn how to live with hunger.

    The weather forecast for the next few hours calls for rain, but that is supposed to clear up by 6:00pm, which means that I will be able to walk after class. I am happy about that, knowing that I have not gone for a good walk since Monday evening. That is not to discount the Taekwondo that I did last night, but it is a different kind of workout, and I look forward to pushing myself this evening.

    I am looking forward to the weekend, and will try to use some of my free time to do some more exercise – whether that be walking, stretching, or actually re-learning my Taekwondo patterns. Actually, that is a good idea. I will spend some time at the park with my new book on Poomsae and try to re-learn so much of what I have forgotten over the years. Fortunately, I know that my muscles will remember a lot of what my brain has forgotten.

    Have a great day folks!