Losing a part of me

It is extremely important on days when I do not lose (or actually gain) weight that I take not of and remember all of the cheats that I took throughout the day… even if they are minor and insignificant. It is equally important on days when I lose weight – especially significant loss – to do the same. This morning I woke up and I was more than a full pound down from my weight yesterday morning, and I am thrilled about it.

I did, however, have a number of minor cheats and deviations from the program. For example, I made Leslie a tuna melt on a challah roll for lunch. I prepared enough tuna for her sandwich and for me to have a bowl of it. I used low-fat mayonnaise, as well as onions (of course). For her sandwich, I added extra mayo onto the roll, and sprinkled generous amounts of shredded cheddar into it. I also melted butter into the bottom of the pan that I heated it in. It looked and smelled delicious; suddenly my tuna salad looked boring. Leslie ate most of her sandwich, but when she left over a bit of it, I took three bites of it. The difference that the cheese and butter and challah roll made was night and day. It was absolutely delicious! I am glad I did not make one for myself, but I am glad I got to taste it.

I had a couple of pieces of dried mango, which were also absolutely delicious. I limited it to two pieces, which was enough to satisfy my cravings.

For dinner (our last dinner together for nearly a month) I prepared a couple of gorgeous salmon steaks, and she prepared the jasmine rice. The scheduling screwed us up for eating together, but the food tasted delicious. The rice is not on my plan, but I did not see the harm in having a little bit… especially since Leslie prepared it with love.

It is extremely important that I remember that I got away with these cheats yesterday, but that I cannot make a habit of it. I will not say to myself ‘Well, I had some challah bread and rice that day and I lost weight, so I guess I can always do that!’ That would be a bad idea. I need to remember that there are some things that I can take a bit of for the occasional cheat that I cannot make a regular part of my diet. Just like when I do reach my ideal weight, there are some foods that I will be able to enjoy very rarely for a special occasion but cannot be a regular part of my diet.

One of the phrases that the original program that I went through kept telling us – and that I truly believe is the key to long-term success – is that I need to break my unhealthy relationship with food, which means that so many of the foods that I used to love on a regular basis cannot ever be that again. Not only that, but I will also have to adjust my idea of a regular portion size. If I can do those two things – stop craving the fattening (and terribly fattening, and disgustingly fattening) foods, and keep a better handle on my portions (of healthy and especially of unhealthy food), then I should be able to get thin and to stay thin. That means that I should not go searching for whatever tempting foods that my loving girlfriend might have hidden from me in anticipation of her leaving. Yes, I was able to eschew the bag of dried mangos that sat next to her desk all week… but that was a short-term resistance; It was resisting temptation while she was here, and even if I was to get tempted, she was here to support me and to encourage me to make the smart decisions – the right decisions. When she is gone, when I am down and despondent and low, and especially while I am sitting at my desk for five hours every night listening to a mostly boring class for the next three weeks, it would be so easy to reach over there and grab a handful… just one would be all that it would take for me to finish the bag. I cannot do that.

I sometimes take for granted how helpful Leslie is to my weight loss. Her presence here is so important for many reasons, not the least of which is that I would be ashamed if she saw me chow down on fattening and unhealthy foods. She has told me time and again that she loves me and will love me no matter what… and I believe her. To the extent that she needs to do so, she has proven that over and over again. It was never she who was encouraging me to start the diet, and she has told me time and again that I should not be dieting for her. She has also told me, since I started my diet, that she remembers sitting with me before the diet, and being amazed at the amount of food I could consume. She never said it in a judging way, rather in response to something that I said about how I have to change my ways. I am so grateful to have her in my life, and while I am not dieting for her, I hope that by losing the weight I will be able to live a longer and healthier life with her. Today is the day that she and I always dread – the day I have to drive her to the airport, the day we set the countdown timer to her next visit (27.5 days, for those who are counting down with us). I am going to miss her terribly, but I have to make sure that in her absence I do not fall off the food wagon. It may not be fast enough for my liking, but I have been losing the weight at a decent pace, and I have to continue to do so… whether the love of my life is here or not.

It is the most gorgeous day of the week. The sun is shining, and the temperatures are in the mid-teens. Once I have posted today’s article, I will sit on the patio with a cigar while Leslie is working. When she is ready, we will get into the car for that sad drive, but we do so knowing that the next time she arrives – four weeks from tonight – we will be together again… and we will be going on vacation to the islands the following day!

Have a great day everyone!