Losing a part of me

I am still reeling from the monster walk I took last night. I am also reeling from some conversations I have been having, and am starting to believe that things will be okay. As I have alluded to over the past ten days or so, my emotions have been in turmoil, and have felt pretty hopeless. The fact that I have not only stuck to my meal plan, but have also started and maintained a rigorous exercise routine with my fitness walking, is a testament to the fact that I do not have to turn to food when life turns to shit. That has always been my default, but it does not make it healthy. Over the past two weeks, following my old patterns, I have every reason to be up 5-10 pounds. Instead, I am down eleven pounds. To put that into perspective, that is the difference between weighing nearly 350-pounds and weighing under 330-pounds. I have to call that my greatest attitude and behavioural victory since… I don’t even know when!

I did cheat yesterday. After my lunch of chicken and salad, I decided to have a Japanese biscuit. The fact that each time that I eat one I am proud of myself that I can stick to just one. I am also proud that I have had them since my birthday, and I have not devoured the entire box. This is another great success… the old me – the gluttonous me – would have knocked down at least a couple (if not more) every single day until they were gone.

Who am I kidding? There is not old me / new me. Not yet, anyways. I am the same me, with the gluttonous tendencies toward large portions of extremely unhealthy foods that I have always been. The fact that I have been suppressing that side of me does not mean that I have changed; it means that I want to change, but I am still who I have always been. It is too easy to give myself credit for change… like congratulating myself on my Nobel Prize when I dress up as a brilliant scientist. I have to remember every day that I am still the same man with the same desires, and that I will likely never change. I can change my habits, but I cannot ever let down my guard. It is the vigilance that I have forced upon myself that is responsible for my weight loss… and certainly not my actual nature.

On a few of Leslie’s early visits to see me last year, the last night before she flew home, we went to QB’s Sports Bar for dinner. I remember the foods that we ordered, which even in moderation would have been terribly unhealthy. I can hardly believe that I could sit there with a gorgeous and sexy woman, order a large pizza and a plate of wings, and devour them with no shame. Just the thought of doing that embarrasses me, and I have to remember that not only the next time, but every time I sit down to eat… whether I am eating with Leslie or alone.

Today is a new day, and I am psyched to keep going. After yesterday’s slight bump up, my weight was once again down today, so I am happy with that. If I keep it up, I might actually fit into my smaller suits by mid-September, which would be amazing. Because of my class schedule for the next few weeks, it will be a month between weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. If I keep my pace of progress up, it is not unreasonable to expect I could be down ten kilos in that month. It is an unbelievable number to hope for, but it is my goal. My appointment is for August 24, which is just under 30 days from today. If I can weigh in under 141 kilos, I will be absolutely over the moon thrilled! Even if I miss that goal, but weigh seven kilos less than I do now, it will be a tremendous success.

I noticed after eating my main meal today that I was, once again, still peckish. I looked (unsuccessfully) for a healthy snack, and quickly realized that there is no such thing as a truly healthy snack that resides in the pantry. I ended up having a single Japanese biscuit, which is not healthy, but as long as I only eat the one, I will not lose a lot of traction on my weight loss program.

I think yesterday’s schedule worked really well, and I am going to try to repeat it today. After class, I will take Princess Sophie for a walk. I will then come back home and change into my workout kit. Before I go out though, I will have my second meal replacement shake. I will go for a good fitness walk (which I suspect it will be somewhat less intense than yesterday’s record-shattering outing. When I come back in, I will shower, write up my activity, and then I will have my final meal replacement of the evening. I will get into bed and hopefully speak with my beautiful wife, who might or might not be able to, owing to the child situation. I really do love ending my day by sharing a few moments on video chat with her. It makes my heart soar, and even if I do not fall asleep right away (as has been the case these last few nights), it puts my mind at ease so I can rest.

I will be back after my walk, but until then… have a great day!