Losing a part of me

I was thinking this morning of those funny high school yearbook entries: Goal: Be a good lawyer. Probable: Need a good lawyer. Things like that. I thought of that because I remember just a few days ago saying that I was hoping that by today (Day 300 on the weight management program) I would be under 300 lbs. Instead, for the first time since October 21, I weighed in at over 310 lbs. That is just wrong! No, there is no way that with what I have eaten this week that I should be up seven pounds. While I know that I have cheated these last few days, I have not cheated anywhere near seven pounds worth of cheat. I am frustrated, and I am pissed off.

Yesterday would not have been too bad, but I decided to get a bag of rice cracker chips at the store. Big mistake, but it was a moment of weakness. My second cheat? I heated up a can of Chunky Soup. My throat was killing me after a long day of lecturing (and several nights of sleeping badly) and I hoped it would soothe my throat. For the record, it tasted lousy.

Looking at this slide, there is no chance that I will drop below the 300-pound milestone by the time Leslie flies in on Friday. Hopefully that means that I will be able to celebrate hitting that milestone with her while she is here. The way I am feeling now though, if I look at a piece of bread my weight will shoot up another four pounds. Maybe if that’s the way it is, I should just fucking indulge. I should go have those Buffalo wings. I should go for Chinese food, eat a steak, whatever. Maybe I am just not meant to be slim, and I do not have the willpower to eat nothing but three fucking leaves of lettuce per day, which on days like today is what it feels like I have to eat in order to stay slim. Fuck that.

No, I am not giving up. I am not diving into a cheat day, although I really wish I could. I am going to try to stay on track, but I am angry and pissed off and frustrated and disillusioned. If I could think of any other adjectives of feeling bad, I would likely feel those too.

To add to my bad day, my knee (the right one) has been in serious pain these last two days. I suspect it has to do with the workouts I did with Kezi last week. I don’t know how much help the pain killers I took last night were, but this morning I added an anti-inflammatory. I am also sitting at my desk with an ice pack on it, hoping that within a day or two I can walk properly again.

On a day with very little positivity, I can at least share one bit of good news. I slept pretty well last night. I was asleep by about 10:00pm, and while I did wake up to pee, I got back to sleep reasonably quickly. The only thing bothering me was my knee, not my psyche, which has been the case these last few evenings. Hopefully this trend will continue for the next few nights and was not a one-off due to sheer exhaustion.

Have a great day folks!