Losing a part of me

Category: frustration

  • Day 1282

    I was not at all impressed this morning to see that my weight was up more than a pound from yesterday. I have to assume that was mostly related to the extremely salted peanuts I had eaten the previous day, but also the (unsalted) peanuts I ate yesterday. Other factors would include not moving my bowels (which I did quite successfully some time after weighing myself)… and the fact that weight loss is about the downward trend and not individual plots on a graph. Yes, I ate a handful of peanuts yesterday… a conservative estimate of my total intake yesterday would be 1050 calories which is by no measure excessive, and there was no significant sodium or carbohydrates or starch added to my usual four-per-day meal replacements. There is only one measure by which yesterday was a dietary failure, which is only the strict interpretation of the strict rules of the medically supervised program that I am on. I am not going to feel guilty about that.

    By the by… a clear indicator that my weight issues are likely related to the previous day’s salted peanuts is that my ring, of which I wrote just three days ago, is much tighter than it was. Fingers swell from water retention which is caused by sodium. I expect it to once again fit much better tomorrow or the next day than it does this morning.

    What I do feel guilty about is that I gave serious thought yesterday to switching to a partial program – two or three meal replacements plus an actual meal. I did not do anything about it, but I gave it thought. Why should I feel guilty? Maybe guilt is the wrong word, but I know it is, for the moment, a bad idea. I set out on this renewed journey only two weeks ago (today is essentially Day 16) and I have done very well so far… I have lost 22.4 lbs. so far, which is great… until we factor in that from my best weight ever (October, 2023) until my worst day ever (Day 1 of this new effort) I had regained 106 lbs., at which point we have to recognize that I have only scratched the surface of what I want to – what I need to do. I am still 83.6 lbs. heavier than I was when I was at my best, and that will not just melt away in a heartbeat. It will take much longer if I start compromising now on what is working. Yes, I see images of food and I am tempted. I should by no means give in to that temptation, and there is currently no justification for my doing so. All of the times since the beginning of the year that I have tried to start on a modified program were failures. Why? Because I negotiated with myself. ‘This works… but if I just put in some of the effort instead of all of the effort, then it should still work.’ No. I am not saying never, but for the time being I have no intention of compromising.

    My sleep score this morning was the best that it has been since January 2 of this year. I suspect that it has been over 90 only a handful of times in all of the years that my fitness watch has been tracking it. When I saw the tremendous score of 93 this morning I was relieved, knowing that a good night sleep is crucial for health in general, but it also helps weight loss in particular. My body battery was an unprecedented 97. Hoorah!

    I just did something that I should have done on Day 1. I went onto Facebook looking for the support group that I was a member of previously. In fact, I am still a member, but because I had not participated in quite some time it was not prioritized in my feed. I posted my first message there in a very long time. The group does not seem to be very active – beyond being a buy and sell group – but hopefully I will get some response, and some support.

    Today is a rainy Friday, and in a sense that is a good thing. I have been delinquent on a project that I need to work on, and I will put in a lot of work on it today. I am also going to try to get help with that other issue that I have been dealing with, which will involve a support session with Microsoft. I am not looking forward to that, but I am hoping that it can get resolved satisfactorily.

    I just got off the phone with my son the elder who is off to university next weekend. He wants to see me this weekend (which is great). He also respects the fact that I am back on my diet, and that because of that I would rather he come over for a drink than go out for a meal. I look forward to seeing him and having a nice chat.

    With that, I am going to try to get some work done. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1272 – Afternoon

    I did not pass my exam.

    In my defense, I also did not fail my exam. I arrived at the testing centre as prepared as I could be, perfectly at peace in the knowledge that I very well might (dare I say would probably) fail the exam. At least I would know what I was up against, and what my shortcomings were. I would then come back home and relax for a couple of days… and then I would reschedule the exam (at great expense, but leave that for now) for sometime in August or September, and I would continue studying… with greater focus on the areas that I needed to focus on. Because I was comfortable knowing that I would probably not pass, I was just glad that the stress and anxiety would be behind me.

    I drove into the parking lot, I paid for parking. I walked into the building and walked down the long corridor (I have been here before so while I forgot what floor it was on, I at least knew my way there). In the hallway there were emergency lights blinking… not a good sign. I got to the elevator and a building maintenance manager flagged me to get my attention. There had been an electrical issue that was not resolved and was deemed to be a safety issue; the building had been evacuated. It did not bode well for a quick turnaround that I did not see any large groups of students or workers congregating outside of the building waiting for the all-clear signal to return to their classes or offices or whatever. The maintenance manager told me that the power company had to come in to do a safety inspection on a transformer, and if that was the case then it was highly unlikely that anyone was going back to work today.

    I stood outside the front door of the building and logged onto the testing centre website to try to reschedule. With any luck, they would be able to book me for the next hour at a test site within short driving distance (there is one that is a 20-25 minute drive from where I was standing). Why did I do this all standing outside the front door? It was the only shaded area, and while I love the sun my smartphone screen does not, and would have a) been hard to read with my polarized sunglasses, and b) would have, within a few minutes, have gone into sum/heat protection mode (I do not know what the actual term is) which would dim the brightness to the point of near-illegibility. I logged into the site, paid my dues chatting with their AI chatbot, and then finally was chatting with a person. I never expected they would be able to accommodate that quick reschedule, but hope springs eternal. SPOILER ALERT: I was right and they did not.

    While I knew that would likely not happen I was at least hoping they could reschedule me for tomorrow… or later in the week… or next week. They could do none of that. In fact, the global body for the testing centre had not been informed that the local testing centre was evacuated so they are not even sure that I will get a replacement voucher (the exam costs USD$750) in order to reschedule it. As I type this it is two hours after my original exam time and at least three hours after the building was evacuated and there is still no indication (either from the testing centre or from the local news) that there was anything, so I am starting to sweat about that…

    When I got home I called them, and they told me to call the testing organization (Pearson Vue administers tests for hundreds of organizations and I would need to escalate to the certifying body). At least they gave me a direct phone number… it astounds me how difficult it is to find someone to speak with these days.

    After several minutes on hold with the ISC2 (that’s the certifying body) I spoke with a very nice and sympathetic gentleman named Edgar who promised to escalate my case and assured me that the team he was escalating to would help me to reschedule. When? That’s a good question… it might take 3-5 business days for them to get back to me with my rescheduling voucher and then it might take another 2-3 weeks for a free appointment at the testing centre.

    What does all of that mean?

    1. I am obviously no further ahead on my certification than I was when I woke up this morning.
    2. The anxiety and stress that I have been experiencing over this exam is still with me, but now instead of having a set date when I would be past it, I have another unknown which might be… who knows when.
    3. Instead of coming home with the exam behind me I know I will now be continuing to study until… WHENEVER THE F&CK THEY LET ME TAKE THE EXAM.
    4. Instead of coming home and booking airfare to Newfoundland to go visit friends, I am… well, NOT doing that.
    5. Instead of going to my Provincial Lodge event tomorrow (and hopefully smoking an extremely fine cigar to celebrate passing) I am staying home and studying.

    …the list goes on. This literally screwed up the rest of my summer.

    So why, you may ask, am I writing this here? Because it was all that I could do to not stop off at a pub and order two pounds of chicken wings. I was so sorely tempted, knowing how f&cked things are, to throw my hands in the air and to give up. I did not do that. I came home, made my phone calls, and then sat at the computer to type this. Once again, something else blew up the next few weeks of my life… but this time I was able to stay on track. How? I have no idea.

    This evening I will be smoking cigars on the balcony. I suspect I will take the night off from studying, and might even rent and stream the new Karate Kid movie. If I can be strong then I will not open a bottle of scotch (which right now I am sorely tempted to do). Tomorrow I will resume my studies and will wait… I was about to say wait patiently, but who are we kidding? I will wait very impatiently to hear back from ISC2 so that I can rebook the exam. The absolute earlies that might happen would be late next week but I doubt I will be able to book before the week after. Yay to two more weeks of my anxiety stress and dialed to a fourteen.

    …and I know that when I finally do walk into the testing centre it will take every bit of willpower for me to not yell at them that the least they could have done was phoned in that they were evacuated so I would have received an email canceling and I would not have driven down there and paid for parking. I have this image of a kid from a movie in the 1980s who is trying to collect for his paper route and keeps yelling ‘I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!’ Yes, parking cost me all of $7 but that is a very small cherry on top of the very large heap of shite that this inconvenience caused.

  • Day 1149

    I am invited to an Orthodox Sabbath dinner this evening and while I am looking forward to the evening and traditions, I wish my weight was in a better place where I would not feel guilty about the foods.

    This morning I printed a one-month calendar that I taped to the inside of my door. It reads (in bit bold letters): NO GROCERIES. I have decided to finish the food that I have on hand, but go back onto protein shakes for much of the next month. Yes, there are going to be times when that will not work – a four-day trip to Montreal starting next Saturday, and then a banquet I am obligated to attend April 11. Other than that, I am easing myself back onto my full extreme program as the food on hand runs out.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1144

    I don’t know how well I did yesterday… but I am doing a bit better today. So far…

    I am teaching all week starting tomorrow… I have a class from 8:30-5:00, which is a very reasonable day. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I still have my evening courses from 6:15-10:15pm, which is also reasonable… until you take the two of them together, which makes for three very long days this weekI am hoping I will be able to use the busy days to lose some weight!

    Oh by the way…next week will be the same!

    Have a great day, folks.

  • Day 1117

    I wonder if there is a better indication of how difficult weight loss is than the fact that over the past 1,117 days my weight started at 395, dropped down to under 240, and is back up hovering above 300. I want to get back down there, but man is it a challenge.

    With all of the stress and anxiety I was not surprised that my weight did jump up this morning… not to where it was on Friday, but it is still 2 lbs. up from yesterday. I am still under 309, but f.u.c.k.

    To make things so much more pleasant, I started feeling a cold coming on yesterday. I am glad that I went to the store to pick up meds because today it is full-on in my head, nose, and throat. It’s a good thing the class I am teaching is an entry-level one… and that I proactively assigned the students labs for the first hour. Yes, I will have to lecture… but not as much as I might have.

    I am meeting with someone tomorrow that might help relieve some of my other stresses and anxieties. I am crossing my fingers but not getting my hopes too high.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 1044

    Weight loss is not linear. Weight loss is not linear. I have to keep repeating that to myself on mornings like these, when I mostly stuck to the program the previous day, and yet the bathroom scale has me up by nearly a pound. What does mostly stuck mean? I had my usual breakfast, then after walking 3km on the treadmill I had a meal replacement shake. Later in the day I had one of the protein bars that I took with me, but I added a small handful of almonds because I was not fully sated. When I got home (after 9:15pm) I had another meal replacement shake.

    There are two ways of looking at my short treadmill walk from yesterday. Yes, I only walked 3km. On the other hand, on a day when I did not want to walk at all, I walked 3km. I did not extend my steps-goal streak as I hoped to, but I still did something.

    I added a new element into my evening routine last night that I am hoping will help me to fall asleep on nights when I cannot. I know that I fell asleep very quickly last night, but I wonder about the long-term efficacy of this new element. I was up twice to pee (that is not unheard of) and I had a bit of a headache from it. Also, according to my fitness watch, my sleep score was only 67… not very good. My body batter did not get higher than a 37 and is now down to 29 (four hours after waking up). I am not blaming this new element for any of this… it could all be a coincidence. I will try it a few more times before deciding if falling asleep faster is worth the down sides.

    I have to pick up a few things from the supermarket today, as well as collecting my dry cleaning. Other than that, I do not have much planned for the day. I will exercise – most likely on the treadmill, as the high temperature is forecast to be around 2°… a bit chilly. With that said, if it is not too windy then I will have a cigar on the balcony later on… hopefully with my wife on video.

    I have been getting very stressed lately when people ask me about my immigration process. People do not seem to understand that I will tell them when there is news, but until there is then every single time they ask me is like stabbing at me, and I am no longer staying calm and patient about it. I am swearing at them and am going to start cutting people out of my life. Unfriending them on Facebook is easy… I am also going to stop seeing people in real life who don’t stop asking. From now on they will get one warning and that’s it.

    Oh, and I also plan to do some studying for the exam that I am taking on Monday. I am stressed about that as well, but I am starting to feel more confident that I might pass.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1032

    The bathroom scale can go pound rocks this morning. There is no reason that I can think of why my weight should have been up by two pounds from yesterday. Argh!

    I did a great deal of studying yesterday, and I am confident that I will pass the certification exam I have scheduled for Thursday. In fact, I might try to schedule it for earlier in the week. We’ll see if I can.

    Today was the second day on my full meds, and I am hoping that my knee will not be in pain this week so that I can get some walking in.

    My plans for today are breakfast with a friend, then a cigar with another friend. Later in the afternoon I hope to see my kids and deliver the laptop that I have been preparing for my younger. I will put it in the car so that if I can, I will go straight from Grimsby.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1025

    I messed up the numbers yesterday and posted my second Day 1023 in a row. I have gone back and corrected that.

    My weight is up again this morning, and it is above that terrible mark. I am beginning to think that there is no way for me to stay below it without intense exercise. No matter what pain I may be in, this afternoon after I have lunch with my son I will be brushing off the old treadmill. It is chilly and rainy outside today, and I think an indoor workout is the right way to go.

    My knee has been in pain all week and I am almost angry because I take meds for gout every day… so how can gout keep flaring up? It is not as if my diet is so rich that it should be an issue… but it is. Thanks Dad… this is the genetic legacy I get from you. At least I also have the low blood pressure, which means I should live a longer life… the downside is that I will spend a lot of it in discomfort.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 864

    I was not impressed when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning to find that I had actually gained weight… and not just an ounce, but 1.2 lbs.! Grrr. This is going to happen sometimes, but I did not expect it to happen so early in my program. Had I fallen off track yesterday then I would have felt that it was at least warranted, but I did not. I did change the program a little, but not badly… and certainly not ‘gain over a pound in a day’ badly!

    Firstly, my change to the program: I had my morning and midday meal replacements at around the normal times. I came in from walking Her Royal Floofness at 9:30am and had Shake #1, and then at around 1:30pm I had Shake #2. Eduardo came over for a cigar at 2:00pm, and when he left, I went out for a jog/walk (at 3:30pm). When I came back, I had a shower and then instead of a shake, I had a protein bar. I was still very hungry, so I decided to go to the store to buy almonds. I bought 90g of unsalted almonds, and that was the extent of my cheat. I drank my final shake of the evening after a cigar – around 9:00pm.

    <Warning> The following paragraph contains a tasteless joke that may be considered offensive by some readers.

    Yes, I went over my 900 calories by about 500 calories, but I was still under 1500 calories on the day… and while there is a lot of (healthy) fat in those almonds, the 5g of carbs that I added to my day should not have accounted for this blip. Who knows, maybe it’s my time of the month?

    </Warning>

    I am now 100% convinced that the calibration of my treadmill and fitness watch (with respect to the Treadmill activity) are completely wrong. It was a beautiful day, and I decided to do my first outdoors run/walk. I jogged two kilometres and walked 8.5km. On the basis of what my treadmill measures, that would be roughly 18 minutes of jogging (with the pace set to 4.3mph) and 2 hours of walking (at 3.5mph) … yet I completed the jogging in 14m10s (about 5.25mph), and the walking in 1h16.5m (around 4mph). I did not feel like I was walking or jogging harder on the street than I do on the treadmill. I will have to remember this if I ever do decide to train for a marathon!

    Following my exercise, I took Floof for her walk. We walked our usual turn which took us through the park and the playground. Because we were out at a different time than our norm, where we encountered a different crowd of children with their mothers. There was a group of five mothers speaking Arabic with a Palestinian accent, three of whom were wearing pendants shaped like the entire State of Israel (including Judea, Samaria, and Gaza). It was only five years ago that I discovered that this pendant, in the shape of a map that I have been familiar with since grade school, is their symbol calling for ‘From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free.’ Normally I would not warrant a second glance from any of them, but it so happens that I was wearing an IDF t-shirt (I was fresh from my exercise and had not yet changed when we went out), and so the group of them stopped talking, and glared at me with a hatred in their eyes that I seldom feel in Canada. We did not stop or even slow our pace. A few blocks out of the park, we encountered an SUV flying a large Palestinian flag. They were stopped at a stop sign, and we were stopped because Princess was sniffing around. They stopped for longer than they needed to, the eyes of the driver and passenger glaring at me. I smiled and pointed at the logo on my chest. I had never realized how many Palestinians live within a six-block radius of me. I will be paying closer attention. I will not stop wearing my t-shirts (when I jog) and my pins… but I will be more cognizant of those watching me. It is sad that in Canada I have to be aware of these things… but that has always been the lot of my people.

    I have been having trouble with the program I am on… as is demonstrated by the fact that I have had to supplement it with almonds almost every day of it. Combine that with my activity (which has been exceedingly high these last ten days) and I find my body completely out of energy in the afternoons and evenings. Because of this I told Leslie that I am thinking about transitioning back to what I used to call my partial program – breakfast and lunch, and then two shakes in the afternoon and evening. She recommended that I wait either until I hit the 270 lbs. mark (from which I am now more than a pound farther than I was yesterday), or until at least next Wednesday (when she picks up her son, and so goes off the program). I thanked her for her encouragement… without it, I would have gone shopping this morning. As it is, I am still thinking about it. It is 11:00am – I had my first meal replacement less than two hours ago, and I am already hungry and light-headed. I will not make any decisions yet… but if I am feeling this way still after my second meal replacement then I am seriously going to consider it. I have a very long week of teaching ahead of me, and I cannot afford to faint on camera.

    It has been rainy all morning, although that is set to abate by 1:00pm. I have not decided what I am going to do about exercising today… with my goal-streak at 13 days, and knowing there is no way to extend it beyond 14 days, I can either push myself to hit the 16,400 steps my watch is challenging me to hit today, or I can take it easy and rest my body (which I have overtaxed these last ten days). I have a number of decisions to make today. I will not rush into any of them.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 858

    I had a feeling yesterday that I couldn’t shake that I would not be losing weight this morning. I had four great days of weight loss, and my body was going to steady or correct its trajectory and slow things down. This despite knowing that I had jogged 5km and had not veered from the weight loss program. Leslie reminded me that whether or not I lose weight on one given day should not be taken as an omen, but also that I might lose weight, but not as much as I had the previous four days. She was right of course… on both parts. I dropped a little over a pound this morning. I am going to keep doing what I am doing… even on days when I do not like what the bathroom scale tells me.

    Something else that I admitted to Leslie yesterday is that I am angry with myself for having thrown away so much of my weight loss progress over these last seven months. I was doing so well, and then I pissed it away (or rather ate it away). When I felt that my weight was safely below 250 lbs. I vowed that I would never let it go above that number again. I dropped below 250 ‘for the final time’ on September 17, and was going to keep at it… and yet it happened: on November 24 my weight peeked above that ugly number, and then ten days later it would jump above it and stay there… and there it is today. It only took 15 days to jump above 260 (which I had dropped below on August 21, vowing never again…) and yes, I was going through a rough spot… but suck it up Mitch! Don’t eat your feelings! It would take nearly three months for my weight to peek above 270 (March 4 for the first time, and then permanently on March 10). I had dropped ‘forever’ below that number on July 13, after a long diet break. I had not weight more than 280 since February 18 (first hit March 21), and my last weigh-in over 290 lbs. was January 31, 2023 (where I spent two days May 21-22).

    It took me 68 days to drop from 250 lbs. to 238.6 (Oct. 18 – 31 days), and then back up to 250 (Nov. 24 – 37 days). It took me 119 days to drop from 260 to that best weight, and then back up to 260 (December 19). It took 223 days to drop from 270 to by best weight and then gain it all back. The numbers for 280 lbs is a staggering 382 days… and for 290 lbs. it is 417. It took me 201 days to drop from 290 lbs. to my best weight ever… it took me 216 days to gain it back.

    What a fucking waste of energy.

    Leslie reminded me that we cannot change the past, we can only focus on now and the future. While this is true, I hope that tracking the past and studying it may help me to not repeat it.

    I am essentially starting the program anew with a fresh head, so it should not take me 200+ days to drop 42 lbs. … but just knowing that I wasted so much of it – I essentially threw away a year – upsets me. Getting back on track is hugely important, and I will do it. As of this morning’s reading on the bathroom scale, I am 41.6 lbs. from my best weight ever.

    Assuming there is no way that I will continue to lose over a pound per day, I would be happy if by the time Leslie arrives (in 38 days) I could lose another 15-20 lbs. I had originally told her than my goal was to drop to 270 by then, but I am amending that because I know that for that week I will not be on the program. If I could stay below 270 (or even 265) by the time she leaves the next week then I would consider that a huge success, and I will at that point get back onto the program.

    How long will it take for me to get back to my best weight ever? In other words: from today, how long will it take for me to lose 42 lbs.? I don’t know… but I would like to set a goal for the end of the September. That gives me 126 days to lose 40 pounds, or a little under 2.5 lbs. per week. It is an ambitious goal, but hopefully an achievable one.

    For the short term, I would really like for my pants to fit better… and for my sports jackets to start fitting again. I would like to be able to comfortably wear my guayaberas this summer, which I was able to do when I was last in Cuba (I have another 5 lbs. to lose until I weigh what I weighed on my last trip, but I am still 16 lbs. bigger than I was the previous month). I need patience.

    While my weight did drop again today, it is the first day since I started that I could not cross off a goal on my fridge tracker. To quote Maxwell Smart: Missed it by that much. Hopefully I’ll be there tomorrow.

    I should mention that I did two things worth mentioning yesterday: I did indeed jog my 5km (although I did not walk the rest of the hour, so my workout ended up as 5.23km in 49m51s). I also got through the day sans almonds, which means that I was probably at 940 calories on the day. I’ll call those both huge successes, as I had not previously been able to hit the 5km mark, and it was only the second day that I was able to get through the program without the added help.

    It is a wet and rainy morning in Burlington, and I am glad for the treadmill. I think I’m going to publish this entry and then change into my kit. Owing to the weather, Princess Sophie did not want to go for her usual 1.5-2km walk this morning, and so I am still under 1000 steps. My next jogging goal is 6km, followed closely by jogging for a full hour. Will I make it? We’ll see… but as I have said before, I may be tracking my workouts, but I am not competing with myself. My goal is to get into shape, and not to hurt myself.

    Have a great day!