Losing a part of me

Category: Gym

  • Day 460

    I am still having trouble getting back on track with my program, but I am also not falling hard off the wagon. Knowing that in three days I am going back on my modified program for ten days, I wonder if it is worth the effort. I will stick mainly to the program, but I might buy some chicken breasts and vegetables to make one midday meal per day. I know that I have been having trouble getting my Body Battery up above 75 (even when I wake up in the morning), and by the end of the day it has dropped to real lows – 19 and 20 over the last couple of nights. It is possible that with the amount of exercise that I am doing (which I do not plan to stop), my body is telling me that I just need more than the 900 calories per day that my full-fast program allots. When I am finished at the gym I will stop into the supermarket to pick up chicken breasts, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions. I will also make sure (before I go out) that I have the olive oil and balsamic vinegar to make sure I am not just eating a tasteless bowl of weeds with my chicken.

    Body Battery aside, there have been a few instances these last few days when I have stood up a little too fast and found myself a bit lightheaded. That might have to do with my low blood pressure (and resting heartrate that hovers around 50bpm), or it might be a simple caloric deficiency. It is not that I am falling over on a regular basis, but from time to time I do need to steady myself.

    Yesterday’s jog was 5km despite my lower than hoped for Body Battery. I pulled up at 5km, and then walked another 6.65km. With the exception of the 4th kilometre (which was into a strong wind and partly uphill) I did two kilometres in 7m10 and two in 7m10s, which means that if it was not for the windy fourth then I would have bested my previous best pace. As it stands, I still matched it. A job well done indeed!

    Jogging

    • Distance: 5.05km (10.1km)
    • Duration: 35:41 (1:13:18)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m15s (7m15s)
    • Steps: 5,712 (11,654)
    • Calories burned: 600 (1,300)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 160 (159)

    The forecast is calling for a chance of rain from 12-1pm today, but I had already decided to go to the gym so that will not be a real issue for me. I am going to head out shortly and will do my best to extend my steps-goal streak to fifteen days. I hope that I have an easier time on the treadmill than I did the last couple of outings; during my last outing I was listening to an audiobook by Mark Twain that I lost interest in, and the time before I had forgotten my ears completely. Yesterday I downloaded a new audiobook which I am already into, and midway through this sentence I made sure to put my earbuds into my pocket. As long as I remember to take my workout clothes, I am all ready for a great run on the treadmill. Afterwards I will go shopping, then come home to prepare my afternoon meal. I am ready for my class this evening, so if the weather cooperates, I might just sit on the balcony with a cigar.

    The countdown to the big day is now at six, and with one exception I think everything is taken care of. I am excited that I got notification this morning that my new shirts and jacket are out for delivery, and I am tempted to wait home for them; knowing they might show up at 5:30pm, I do not want to waste my day, especially knowing that in the worst-case scenario, they will be delivered tomorrow instead. I know that won’t happen, but I am thinking ahead. My dry-cleaned suit will be ready for pick-up after 5:00pm today, but my dry-cleaned shirts will not be ready until the same time tomorrow, and I see no good reason for me to make two trips… especially knowing that both are coming home and getting packed into the garment bag. My altered pants and vest will be available Wednesday afternoon, but that is not from the same place so two trips will be necessary anyways. Yes, I am extremely excited that everything seems to be planned properly, but that does not mean that I am not anxious that I have forgotten… something. I am sure that a week from today, after the dust has settled, I will be able to relax!

    I have procrastinated enough. It is time to get moving! Have a great day folks!

  • Day 458

    I killed it on my jog yesterday! Not only did I do the whole ten kilometres without so much as a pause, but I did it faster and stronger than I ever have. My eighth, ninth, and tenth kilometres were 7m28s & 7m27s. Every other kilometre was under 7m15s, with my first ever kilometre clocking under 7m (6m57s on the third kilometre). I truly surprised myself, surpassing my best expectations. I am not going to lie, that Body Battery measurement is either no joke, or a real psychosomatic trick!

    I decided to pull up at the 10km mark. I should mention that there is always a slight discrepancy in measurements between my fitness watch and my phone, so I always finish the 10km on both, and then use the slightly higher measurement for my records.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 10.1km (5.00km)
    • Duration: 1:13:18 (38:30)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 7m15s (7m41)
    • Steps: 11,654 (5,900)
    • Calories burned: 1,300 (525)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 159 (153)

    I am now in the top 14% of the 2023 challenge, ranked 20,276/146,133. I suspect that one or two more jogs will get me into the top 20,000, but I am not checking to see how many people above me are within reach. I am rather surprised to see that in my age bracket I only today cracked the top 20%, ranking 5,033/26,064. Once again, I am less concerned with how I am faring against others and more concerned with doing better today than I did a week ago.

    After I pulled up from my jog, I was still 2.25km from home, and I walked the rest of the way. I am feeling good… and if I did not have things I had to get done, I likely would have kept going. The better me is on his way!

    My only cheat on the day was a cup of milk tea and half a dozen dried apricots which were laying around. I should not have eaten them, but I did, and I own up to it. They are the last of what I bought at Bulk Barn yesterday, and I will not be going back before my flight on Thursday. I am taking Gilad for lunch today so I might have to eat something, but I will not be going nuts on it.

    I was in the middle of writing the following sentence: ‘A close friend is going through some stuff right now, and his wife asked me to drive out to visit him in the afternoon.’ When my phone beeped with a message that he was admitted back to the hospital last night. I am worried about him, but that also means that I cannot go to see him today. This is a blessing in disguise, as the two hour drive each way would have not been convenient today. I would happily do it and will do anything I can to help him or her. Frankly, I would make the drive happily if only to hug both of my godchildren. However, I have a 9:30 meeting with my diet buddy, followed by lunch with my son, and with the four hours driving and a few hours visiting, I am not sure how I would have been able to fit my exercise in. I am currently on a twelve-day steps-goal streak (my best ever since switching to Garmin in 2019), and I would be quite happy to keep extending that for a few more days. I cannot imagine that it will last through the wedding (Friday Leslie and I are flying to California, and the schedule gets busy from there), but even if I get it up to seventeen or eighteen days, I will consider it a huge success.

    The weather is not conducive to running outside today which means I will be at the gym for my running. While it is forecast to stop raining around 3:00pm, I am not going to plan my day around the accuracy of a weather forecast. I bought a new lock (identical to the old one) and printed out the invoice to give to the General Manager of the club. It turns out it was less expensive than I remembered, but that does not make it a cheap mistake. With taxes the total is a few cents shy of $60, which I will gladly take in gym credit. I am tempted to print out a sheet to wrap around it that says ‘THIS IS NOT YOUR LOCKER! DO NOT CUT THE LOCK!’ but I cannot think of a good way to make other gym members not snicker at that.

    As I mentioned, it is raining this morning. It actually started sometime during my class last night, which means that Princess Sophie had zero interest in going outside. We got to the front door, and she slammed on the brakes. She did the same thing this morning, which means that sometime in the next few hours she is going to break down and say ‘FINE! I’ll get a little wet, I just gotta pee.’ I will have to watch her when Julie is here, but she is generally a good girl and has not had an accident in the house ever unless she was sick… and that only happened once or twice.

    I was quite happy when the bathroom scale reported another loss of 2.6 lbs., taking me down to within 2.2 lbs. of my best weight ever from last Friday morning. If I stay on track, I might actually get to the 250 lbs. mark by the time I fly on Thursday, but if I do not then I will not be disappointed… as long as I am below 255 lbs. which I hope to hit again tomorrow or Monday morning.

    I have always been bad at keeping track of how different foods affect my body. I do not mean that I gain weight from some foods and lose weight from others. I know that these last couple of days I have had only meal replacements and a few peanuts and dried apricots. Both yesterday and today I had very comfortable and productive bowel movements, and I am wondering if the handful of dried apricots were a contributory factor to that. I will never go overboard on them, but I will keep this in mind the next time I am a little backed up.

    My plan for today is to stay mindful. I do not know where my son the younger will want to go for lunch, but I am not going to use it as an excuse to fall off the wagon. Yes, I will eat something if I have to… but I will not be gorging myself, and I will be ordering smartly. After I drop him off, I will drive straight to the gym so that I can work off whatever excess carbs I ate… and of course extend my streak. Despite a less than ideal night’s sleep, my body battery was up to 82/100 this morning. While I am not as charged as I was yesterday (when I was ready and eager to run even while walking Her Floofness), I will still have the energy to get a decent workout in. I would love to spend some time in the studio working on Taekwondo, but my elbow is still bothering me, and I am not going to push it. I will continue my lower-body workouts for now and hope that my elbow continues to improve before I start trying to throw punches and blocks with that arm. As long as I can get through lunch with my boy without falling off, then the rest of the day should be smooth sailing.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 457

    I got back on track yesterday… mostly. I did have some peanuts after my workout. However, I ate them instead of my meal replacement. While I am still making excuses for myself, I did better yesterday than I did in five of the previous six days, and the results paid off. I stepped onto the bathroom scale to see a three-pound drop from yesterday. It was a relief to see my weight drop below 260 lbs. once again.

    As I mentioned, the weather yesterday was not conducive to running outside. I headed to the gym, where I had a frustrating experience. Another member mistook my biometric padlock for his own, and when his fingerprint would not open it, he assumed the battery had died, so he asked the staff to cut it open. When I got out of the shower to discover my lock was open (with my cell phone right there) I was appalled that I had neglected to lock it… but then, that is as unlike me as praying to Jesus would be. I got dressed, made sure that nothing was missing, and then went to the front desk to ask if anyone had turned in the lock. The staff told me what happened and were very apologetic. I want to smack the other member for not manning up and saying ‘Oops, this was not my lock… boy do I feel silly.’ But he did not, and so my locker was unsecured for however long I was gone. The world is filled with irresponsible pricks… here’s one more.

    I did take the opportunity to recalibrate my fitness walk on the treadmill. I would have thought the first time would have been enough, but over my last couple of runs I realized the discrepancy between the treadmill and the tracker over a 5km jog was almost 10%, so I made sure to jog exactly 3.11 miles (5km) so that I could calibrate it properly. I felt great and might have kept going, but I knew I had a lot of things to take care of in the afternoon, so I stopped there.

    Jogging (Treadmill)

    • Distance: 5.00km (10.08km)
    • Duration: 38:30 (1:18:17)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m41 (7m46s)
    • Steps: 5,900 (12,150)
    • Calories burned: 525 (1,200)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 153 (155)

    Wedding planning update: I spent the afternoon on the phone (or playing phone tag with) the bakery for the cake, the synagogue director for the logistics and catering, and the hotel VP of sales for the suite. If this sounds like it is just three simple phone calls then you have never planned and organized a wedding, and you have definitely never done it for a wedding that is being held 4,000 kilometres away. By the time all of that was taken care of, my mind was more than a little frazzled, and I was glad the weather was nice enough to sit outside with a cigar. We were not yet done of course… Leslie and I still had our meeting with the rabbi yesterday evening, which was delayed for unavoidable reasons, and which prevented me from getting to Taekwondo class as I had hoped. Following that call (which some might consider exciting, while others will see it as a trigger for extreme anxiety and panic) I realized I had a few more calls that I needed to make, including calling a buddy to act as photographer. I also had to make decisions about who to give certain honorifics to, and then call them to make sure they were willing. Yes, this is an exciting event… but never tell me that there is not a lot of work that goes into it!

    My plan for today is to stay the course. I am going to jog outside today as the temperatures are going up (it is currently 8° and cloudy and going up to 20° by mid-afternoon). My Body Battery is currently reporting at 90/100 which is down from the incredible 98 when I woke up but is still higher than I have ever seen it. I mentioned in the last few days that while I had not thought anything of this measurement at first, when I had zero energy to continue running last week, I realized that it was real. I confirmed that this morning when I was out with Her Royal Floofness; she wanted to stop and smell the roses (really the grass), and I wanted to run! She won out of course… her walk, her rules. When I am finished with this article I will suit up and go out, at which point it will be my jog, my rules! I feel like I might get a 10km run in, but I am just happy to be able to get out and go… for the twelfth day in a row, which extends my record steps-goal streak which I set yesterday. Woohoo!

    I am teaching this afternoon so when I get home I will remember to shave after I shower. I know I need it when my wife notices that I haven’t shaved in a couple of days. At 2:00pm I have a couple of friends coming over for a cigar, and it will be nice to see them both. Of course, I have seen both of them in the last week, but I always appreciate being able to spend time with my friends. How exciting is it that a week from today Leslie and I will be sitting with some of my California friends in the afternoon?

    While I am thrilled that I dropped slightly more than three pounds from yesterday, my weight this morning is still just under five pounds up from my best weight ever which I recorded a week ago. I would love to be able to stay on track for the next week and lose that weight so that I can land in Dallas at my new best weight, but as long as I do my best then I will be satisfied with that. Leslie and I had a long chat last night about my cheating, and how she can help me… and when she should be worried. It gave me a lot to think about. I think the most important thing is for me to meet my daily goals – when I say in the morning that this is what I want to do today then I should do my best to do that. Almost every day for the last week I have said I am going to stay on my full-fast program, and then promptly fell off it… even if just a little. My goal for today is to not do that. Stay true to the program and see another weight loss tomorrow morning. I do not know at this point if it is even possible for me to achieve my previously stated short-term goal of dropping below 250 lbs. before our wedding, but I am going to do my absolute best to get as close to that as possible. How? Mindfulness and focus.

    Have a great day folks, and Shabbat Shalom!

  • Day 351

    For the second time in four days, my bathroom scale registered me below the 303 lbs. mark – my previous best weight yet. Monday it took three or four tries, including moving the scale twice for that to happen. This morning it just happened. I stepped onto the scale, and it read 302 lbs. While I am satisfied with the downward movement either way, I am really happy to see that after a few days of sticking to my meal plan and going to the gym that I am finally through that barrier which I first hit November 11.

    Yes, I went to the gym again yesterday. I am trying to get into the habit of going at least four times per week. I know, it is the first week of the year and everyone is making that resolution. As I wrote over the last few days, this is not a New Years resolution, rather something I started a few weeks ago but am trying to make a habit. Not only do I want to get back into shape, I also want to prove to myself that gym memberships are not a waste of money. In 2019, my then-girlfriend and I joined a gym, and I went a few times… but not too often. They were closed for nearly a year due to COVID-19, but it took until September of 2021 for me to cancel the membership (although not for lack of trying… they did not make it easy). I like going to the gym; I enjoy that feeling of accomplishment. I enjoy the pain of lifting weights, although I am not going to compete with either myself or with others. I enjoy that I am getting to the gym and doing my stretches for twenty minutes before hitting the machines… although I am not doing the complicated stretches that Kezi tried to get me to do, rather things I would do for Taekwondo. Following forty-five minutes on the weight machines, I enjoy getting on the treadmill for twenty minutes. And yes, I enjoy the aches that I feel the next day (and the day after that) which tell me that I am working my overweight and out-of-shape body back into what I want it to be. Will I go today? That depends on a number of factors, not the least of which is that I am meeting a friend north of Toronto for coffee and possibly lunch, and I do not know what time I will be back on this side of the megalopolis. I am, however, taking clean socks and underwear (and a t-shirt) down to the car with me… my gym still has a clean pair of shorts in it, as well as my runners, shower-shoes, and sundries bag.

    Before I hit the highway, I will drop my new prescription off at the pharmacy. I know the last time I did I was completely disappointed by the lack of professionalism shown there, but I also know that it was the week before Christmas, and I assume the entirety of Burlington was trying to fill their prescriptions before leaving on vacation. I also have to fill my gas tank; there is an industry analyst who predicts with incredible accuracy the price trends at the pumps, and earlier this week I heard him on the radio predicting that the prices would drop Thursday. My tank is not on empty yet, but I doubt I would get to Aurora and back without filling up. I am not sure if it is the ADHD medications (or possibly the increased dosage) that is giving me the foresight to plan these things, but I know they have to get done one way or another.

    Whether I get to the gym or not, I have to be back at my computer at 5:30pm to start my class at 6:00pm. While based on the last few sessions I can surmise that I will sit alone in the virtual classroom until 5:55pm, I like to be ready thirty minutes early every time, for every session of every class. In some of my contracts it is actually written in as a requirement, but even for the ones that it is not, it is a good practice as an instructor to let students know that you are consistent, available, and professional. I also should test my system for the class that I will be delivering starting Monday, for a different training centre, using a completely different delivery mechanism. I will make sure my system has their proper software installed. Additionally, I will change from my casual shirt that I will wear during the day into a button-down shirt, and possibly a tie, for this evening’s class. I like to look professional… and now that I have lost as much weight as I have, I fit into my nicer button-down shirts so I can look a little better. This is not about conceit, rather about projecting an air of professionalism.

    It occurs to me that today is Thursday, and I am supposed to have my check-in with my diet buddy. It is scheduled for 5:30, but I will ask her if we can push it up to 5:00pm, which means we will finish in time for me to join my class. I know she was having a hard time last week, and I want to be there for her as I promised I would be. It is also nice to be able to kvell that after two months, I am back in best-weight-yet territory!

    I am going through some things right now that I am not discussing in my journal. Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster these last six weeks. The fact that I am still writing, still trying to maintain my weight loss progress, and actually below my previous best weight… these are all testimony that I can be strong in the face of hard times. Yesterday, that roller coaster hit another terrible bump, and I am not sure how long I will be able to endure. I am hoping that if I hold on, if I hold myself together, if I continue to show that I am stronger than even I thought I was, then maybe at some point in the unseen distance, the tracks will smooth out, and the ride will return to being enjoyable. I only wish… well, I suppose if I was to write about it then I would have to write about it. All I can say is that despite whatever crap may come my way, I need to succeed with my weight management and losing weight and getting back into shape. A week from today I will meet with my therapist; I hope that by then I am able to put into words what I am feeling… and where I sadly think this ride will end.

    It is time for me to hit the road. The GTA is a very large city, and it will take me an hour to get to Aurora. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 350

    I lied. Okay, no I did not lie, but I did change my mind after writing and publishing yesterday. I had originally said that I was not going to the gym. After lunch I thought to myself that I could stay home, be lazy, watch some television, maybe even enjoy a cigar on the balcony… and then at 5:30pm I could come sit at my computer to be ready to start teaching at 6:00pm. I realized that I could continue the patterns of behaviour that while not completely lazy (I would, after all, be working that evening), were certainly lazy-adjacent. These were hours that I could use to maintain the status quo (one that I have been unhappy with these last few months), or I could do something else. I have complained in these pages too many times about eating exactly what I am supposed to eat, yet not losing weight. If you want a reference, look at yesterday’s entry. Not this time.

    Before heading out to the gym, I folded and put away my clean laundry from the previous night. This itself is a change – so often the clean laundry has remained in the dryer until I needed it, or until the housekeeper came (every 2-3 weeks). This is the second time in as many weeks that my clean laundry has been folded and put away in a timely fashion. I made sure that I had the right clothes for the gym, plus water and a pair of earbuds, and off I went. I worked on the machines for 30-40 minutes; I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes (including three bursts of actual running and not just walking). I spent ten minutes on the hydro-massage bed before hopping into the shower quickly to rinse off before sitting in the sauna for fifteen minutes. I showered again and was home by 5:00pm.

    I did stop off for a handful of peanuts on my way home. This is still a bad habit, but considering the intensity of my workout, I suspect my body will have metabolized them pretty quickly.

    Okay, it is time to head to the doctor’s office for my consultation and weigh-in. I was telling Leslie last night that I hope that I have lost 1.8kg from my last weigh-in, because if I did, I would have lost 40kg in total since starting my journey (according to the doctor’s scale. The nearly 2 lbs. difference between that and the 90 lbs. that I claim to have lost on my bathroom scale is based on the difference between weighing myself dressed versus naked. Wish me luck!

    —

    Missed it by that much! I lost 1.6kg, which leaves me just shy of the 40kg mark. I have great faith that will be in two weeks. My blood pressure is 97/67, which is not much different than it was when I was in the Army. There are a lot of health concerns that I have to worry about. High blood pressure is not one of them. If it were something I sought, I could have all the sodium that I wanted! No, I do not plan to change that – the fact that I do not add salt to foods is because of taste preferences, and dates back to childhood. Don’t get me wrong – I will add salt to my food if it is bland and there are no other options, but it is a rare occasion. In November when I made my homemade chicken soup, I looked for a saltshaker, only to realize that I do not have one in this apartment. I had been living here fourteen months when that realization came to me. For the record, I do have a pepper grinder, but it is the one that you buy in the supermarket that you throw out when it is empty and buy another one.

    My doctor and I discussed how I have been feeling after two weeks on my ADHD medications. I told him that I am seeing a slight improvement, but I feel that I could benefit from an increased dosage. He told me that he expected that the lower dosage would not be sufficient, but he wanted to start slow. He doubled my daily dosage, so from today forward I will take two pills in the morning until my supply runs out, and I have a new prescription for the higher dosage in a single pill. I am glad that we are taking these steps. The more I see and read of others experiences with ADHD, the more I realize that so many of my faults are caused by this, and there is hope… as long as I am willing to ask for help. That does not mean that I am not going to continue with therapy – my regular appointments begin next Thursday, and I am eager for them – but I have been in therapy before, and I feel that a combination of that and the medications is a better course of action for the best possible results.

    It is a foggy day, and Princess Sophie (who did have a good walk this morning before it started to rain) is on a play date with her friend Charlie (who begged to see her so much that I received a text message as I was coming home). I have a meeting at noon, after which I will make my lunch and then go to the gym. The forecast shows rain all day until about 10:00pm, but as long as the wind is not bad then I can sit outside with my cigar after my workout. We will see – I am binge-watching a show that friends have recommended to me for years, and I finally got around to it. I know that Leslie will be with her son this evening, so I will likely be alone. We’ll see… maybe I will go out to visit a friend.

    I took a leap yesterday that most will consider unusual. I have been a milk fiend my entire life, and although I have not drunk it straight in years, I have always taken it in my coffee. To be clear, it has always been milk. It can be 1%, 2%, or non-fat… but milk is not cream. Also, it comes out of cows. While there are other animals that we can milk, the only fruit, nut, or legume that actually has milk is the coconut. Over the past two years I have changed my eating to kosher-style. If you do not understand the difference between kosher and kosher-style, do not worry about it. Suffice it to say, I do not mix milk with meat. In the Army, a completely kosher environment, we were not allowed to be served meat until an hour after we were last served dairy; going from meat to dairy was a six-hour wait. Those have been the guidelines that I have tried to follow these past two years. The only exception that I have made has been for milk in my coffee. I am not sure why I made this exception, but I did. It was a spur of the moment decision at the supermarket yesterday afternoon to buy almond milk instead of my usual cow-juice. I decided to give it a try and see if I can make the adjustment. As I sit here with my second non-dairy-milked coffee of the morning, I have to admit that I do not love the taste… but I do not hate it. I will spend a few weeks trying to adjust to it.

    (It is ironic that this morning on my Facebook Memories page there was a post from three years ago that I wrote saying: ‘Until you show me the nipple on a soybean, almond, oat, or coconut can we please agree that milk comes from mammals?’ At the time I was living with Liza, and between her and her daughter (two California shprintzeleiahs like you’ve never seen), they had ‘milk’ in the fridge from all of these and more… but if I wanted actual milk for my coffee, I had to buy it myself.)

    I mentioned last week that I added a calendar reminder to my Outlook to remind me to go to the gym, and I will keep it there. I know that I am a firm believer in tough love, but I am thinking that I might have worded it too harshly. ‘Go to the gym you fat, out of shape SOB!’ is more of an old-me, guilty, threatening, insulting toned message, reminiscent of the negative influences I got from my mother and an old friend named Andy. As of right now, I changed the wording going forward to: ‘Gym Time! Let’s get into shape!’ This is a more positive and encouraging message than it was. If I am trying to be a kinder and gentler me with other people, maybe it is time that I try to make the same change when speaking with myself.

    Occasionally I will look at myself in the mirror and say something nice about myself. For example, yesterday when I came home from the gym, I put on a button-down shirt in preparation for my class and said to myself ‘Wow, you look pretty good!’ Occasionally complimenting my physical appearance is a sign that my feelings toward myself have improved greatly in the past year. I still look in the mirror and see a fat slob, but I also know that I have taken huge steps to improve myself, both physically and otherwise. My emotional state today is much better than it was a year ago. I mention this because if I am feeling better about myself, then maybe I am right and yes, it is time for me to be kinder and gentler with myself. When I was at my heaviest, I needed the tough love to get on track. It was not easy, but it worked. Now that I am on track and am for the most part out of the danger zone, then as long as I am not in danger of falling back into my old bad habits then maybe I can be less harsh on myself. I will keep an eye out though… if I start regressing then maybe I will have to revert to my old Drill Sergeant tough-love tone. For now, positive self-encouragement is my plan.

    I mentioned to Leslie last night that I do feel good being back in the gym. Yesterday was my first trip to the gym without a personal trainer session. I might have gone once or twice at the beginning between sessions, but that was knowing that I was going back to the trainer in a few days. I am done with the trainer, and it is time for me to show that I have the discipline to do it on my own… and the dedication to stick with it. Yesterday I was in the changing room when someone came in, looked around, and said something like ‘Oh, we each have our own locker and the showers are separate. Good!’ he stepped out. I muttered that the ‘New Years Resolution Babies’ are going to be here for at least a week, and someone laughed. No, my joining the gym and starting to get into shape is not a New Years Resolution, but it is still something that I need to figure out how to stick with for the long term. If I do not, then I might as well be just another one of those quitters… and I do not want to be a quitter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 345

    For all of my recent trepidation about my stalled plateau, I had a real non-scale victory yesterday. The pair of Size-40 pants that I ordered arrived, and they fit! I was so happy about it! I was on the phone with Leslie when they came in, and I tried them on with her. We were so happy. I am going to order one (or two) more pair, and I have removed the two pair of Size-42 Dockers that I have been wearing and placed them in my ‘ready to donate’ bag.

    In the movie The Hunt for Red October, Captain Marko Ramius (brilliantly if insensitively portrayed by the late great Sean Connery) says: “When he reached the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result, his men were well motivated.” Sometime in 2020 I was at my best weight since I started gaining weight after the Army. I had collected a huge Ikea bag filled with clothes that did not fit me anymore. My plan was always to take them to a donation box and to help clothe the homeless. I never did, and that bag of clothes ended up as my safety net. As I regained all of the weight that I had worked so hard to lose, I did not have to buy new clothes; all I had to do was reach into that bag. I will not do that this time. Eleven months ago (on Day 12 of this journal) I wrote that I had separated all of my clothes that did not fit because they were too small into five bins:

    • XXL Shirts & T-Shirts
    • Pants Sizes 40-42
    • XL Shirts & T-Shirts, Pants Sizes 36-40
    • Suits, etc.…
    • Taekwondo – doboks & non-current belts

    Over the course of these eleven months, I have emptied most of these bins. My XXL shirts fit me and are now mostly too loose on me. My suits and tailored shirts are now hanging in my closet, dry cleaned and pressed; they fit, even if I do not have a lot of opportunity to wear them. I still have a bin filled with XL shirts and t-shirts, many of which do fit or are still a little tight but will fit by the time the warm weather returns. I still have a few pair of Size-36-38 pants that will not fit me for a couple of months.

    I am not going to go through this again. I gained the weight back because of a lot of bad decisions coupled with a lot of hard and traumatic times, but it was easier to do because I had my fat clothes that I could fall back on. I will not make it that easy for myself this time. If I fall off track and find that my ‘slimmer’ clothes do not fit anymore, it will be a financial burden to gain the weight back. Why? I am donating every pair of pants, every shirt that does not fit me. I am not leaving them in a large bag in the corner of my room for that scenario… I am getting rid of them. When Leslie was here in November, we took a few bags to the donation box, and it felt good to be rid of them. Not only am I shedding pounds, but I am also burning my ships. As a result, I will be more motivated to succeed. Just like Cortez did (or at least, as he did according to Captain Marko Ramius). Every time one set of bags is gone, I am ready to start a new one. I did that yesterday… and I ordered another pair of Size-40 pants, which should arrive early next week.

    I had my usual lunch, and then sat on the patio with a cigar, video-chatting with my wife. It is wonderful to be able to talk with her more freely again – when she has her son, it is harder. We have now had two cigars together in as many days, and two long conversations catching up on so many things we have not had the time or freedom to talk about for a fortnight. After that time, I went out to buy groceries, as I at the last of my lettuce for lunch. Supermarkets are always a great place to be tempted and to fall off the wagon, but I think I did pretty well. I did buy challah for tonight, but no other real cheat items.

    The universe tested me at the supermarket! I picked the first grocery cart in line, and in it there were two boxes of chocolate almonds that kids sell to raise money for their cause. I love chocolate almonds! There they were, two sealed boxes. I left them in the cart, thinking about what to do with them. I bought everything that I had planned to buy – chicken, vegetables, challah rolls, and as I mentioned a few days ago, I picked up a box of Corn Flakes breadcrumbs to make my breaded chicken. When I got to the self-checkout, I asked the girl overseeing the area if these boxes might be something they actually do sell in the store. She confirmed that it is not. She was probably in her late teens and was astounded that not only did I find one, but two of them. It was a spur of the moment decision to give her one of the boxes. She was extremely grateful. As I was walking toward the exit, I made the decision. I could lose weight, or I could bring the second box home with me. I found another employee in her late teens and handed them to her, wishing her a happy new year. It was the right thing to do… and it made two kids feel good at the same time.

    I had a good chat with my diet buddy, who is now a month post-surgery, and seems to be on the right track to shed a lot of weight. For the few cheats that she told me about, I reminded her that there are much better reasons to go to Mexico than weight loss surgery; I told her that while her stomach has shrunk, it would not take a lot of effort to stretch it again… and the best way to not let that happen again is to not fall back into the old habits. As one of the ADHD reels I watched yesterday pointed out, I am much better at giving good advice than I am at following it.

    Following our call, I went out onto the balcony for a cigar. Princess Sophie asked to invite her friend Charlie over, and the two of them romped and played for a couple of hours. When he went home, she jumped up onto the chair where her blanket was already laid out for her, and she hardly moved the rest of the evening. In fact, it was the first time that I can remember that when I got up to go into the house (not to get a drink or a cigar, but for the night) and she did not make any move to come inside. I cleaned out the ashtray, I washed my dishes, and when I was ready for bed, she was still there. I finally picked her up, blanket and all, and carried her to the bed. She is really a sweet princess! I was reminded of a childhood memory when we came home late from somewhere, and my father picked me up out of the car and carried me to bed, and I fell right to sleep. I do not have any memories of doing something similar with my own children… although funny enough, the ex-girlfriend in California had a teenaged daughter, and one day her friend’s father rang the doorbell and told us that Hannah was passed out drunk in his car. I picked her up and carried her up the driveway, into the house, up the stairs, and put her into bed. I can assure you that Princess Sophie showed me more gratitude and love just for carrying her in last night than that twat did the entire time I was with her mother.

    My plans for today are simple. After lunch I will go to the gym for my last session with Kezi, which will not only be fun, but it will also be important because I need to remember to stay on track and go to the gym on a regular basis after she and I are done. When I am home from the gym, I will likely sit on the patio with a cigar. It might be raining, but as long as it is not windy, I will be able to stay dry and enjoy it. At the moment the mercury reads 13°, and by the time I am ready balcony it should drop by two degrees… which still makes it unseasonably warm for the Greater Toronto Area for this time of year. In fact, according to the long-range forecast, the next time the temperature is predicted to drop below the freezing point is Tuesday night. I can live with that! At sunset I will light the candles and say my prayers, and then I will once again retire to the balcony. I see no reason to sit inside, when I can comfortably sit outside.

    On the subject of weather, it has been so nice these last two days to not need my heavy winter jacket. Yes, during the day yesterday it was a bit breezy, and I opted to put on my gloves with my spring/fall jacket… but it is still infinitely more comfortable than having to wear my heavy ski jacket. I will ride this weather as long as it lets me!

    I just added a calendar reminder for myself every day to go to the gym. Knowing that most of my currently scheduled classes are in the evening, I have haphazardly added it in for 1-4pm every day. Of course, there will be a lot of days that I cannot go, and there will be a lot of days when I will not go in that time slot. For the second week of the year (January 9-13) I am teaching during the day, so those reminders have been deleted. I am also teaching two nights that week, but I have created reminders for the other days to go. I know it is so cliché to start this at new years, but in fact that is a coincidence, and I really started a couple of months ago… it has just taken me this long to get my shit in order. Hopefully it is.

    My only real cheat yesterday was a small handful of almonds (which were not covered in chocolate) on the drive home from the supermarket. In the evening I realized I was hungry again, and I am completely out of meal replacement bars, so I prepared for myself a meal replacement shake. The new bars that I ordered a couple of days ago are scheduled to arrive tomorrow, which will make my life a little easier. Yes, I enjoy the shakes… but there are times when I would rather chew my calories than to sip them. That is one huge advantage the American plan (on which my modified plan is based) has over the Canadian plan. In Canada, you spend twelve weeks drinking four shakes per day, for 900 calories. In the US, you have five meal replacements per day (for 800 calories), but rather than having the choice of chocolate or vanilla shakes, you can choose soups and meal replacement bars as well. Sometimes I find the bars more satisfying than the shakes. All of that to say that this morning my weight was down once again, and I am less than a pound and a half from my best-weight-yet. It would be a nice end to the year if I could get there by tomorrow, or by New Year’s Day.

    I just now found out that my plans for New Years Eve fell through. Lyle and Dorothy are going to have a quiet and intimate movie night, which actually works in my diet’s benefit because I will not be tempted to make excuses for another cheat night. The weather for tomorrow evening is cooler than today, but by the evening the rains will have stopped. To make up for it, he and I are going to have lunch tomorrow, which will be leftover turkey at his place. This is likely the longest stretch in over a year that I have not seen Lyle, but that will end tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up on!

    Okay, it is time for me to get cracking with my day. Today is Friday December 30th, which means that everything and everyone is allegedly business as usual. Of course, we all know that is not entirely true, but for my needs it is. I cannot think of anything that I have to do that will require the input of anyone who might be taking a half day for the holiday or blowing off work (sorry… calling in sick) to extend their weekend. I have to focus on me… food, gym, cigars, Shabbat.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 344

    My wife mentioned to me last night (and it was not a throw-away) that she has never seen me properly drunk before. It is not often that I get drunk – even when I am not on new meds, and even when I am not on a diet. I am not saying it is unheard of, only that it is a rare occurrence. I think that on my next trip to Dallas I will have to bite the bullet and imbibe. That should be fun!

    Our wonderful date night last night culminated a pretty good day. For the early part of it I relaxed, and then I headed to the gym for my penultimate session with my personal trainer. I love Kezi and think that she has been extremely helpful over the years – especially in the beginning when we started working together – in showing me breathing techniques, different forms, and things like that. For this most recent package of sessions which I purchased with my membership I do not think she has been as helpful, but that is not her fault. It is a combination of things. She is a very advanced trainer who likes to use techniques that someone like me might benefit from but will likely have trouble sticking to without adult supervision. I think I will have a better time of it (not only for enjoyment, but for sticking with it) if I follow a regimen of machines, rather than trying to do a lot of things that she has me do with free weights. After we had our conversation a couple of weeks ago, she got better… but at the same time, I wonder if I needed her to show me how to do a leg press or a shoulder pull-down again. It is not on her… it is entirely on me. What these sessions have done is ensured that I have gotten back into the gym on a semi-regular basis. After tomorrow’s session, it will be entirely up to me to make sure I am not just wasting my money.

    There must be some freaky science between the algorithms on Facebook Reels. Over the last few days, the feed has stopped being entirely about anarchists trying to intimidate police and public officials and has shown me several (at least ten) reels about ‘Here’s what it is like living with ADHD.’ I do not remember typing those letters into Facebook, so either it is a massive coincidence, or Meta is spying on my private phone conversations. I should note that they also own WhatsApp, which is the primary method I use to communicate with Leslie. It is not out of the realm of possibility that they are listening in (to both chats and video calls) and tailoring what I receive to that. In the past I have blown off these intrusions because they are usually trying to sell me something. The reels I have watched of other peoples’ experience with the condition/disorder/disease that I am just trying to come to terms with are helping me to understand some of the issues that I have – some of which I have had for most of my life, some of which I have fought and overcome. I might spend an hour this morning actively seeking out more of these reels and taking notes, because the condition is such an omnibus condition. To quote one reel that I actually saved (from Austin Cunningham):

    ADHD is f-cking depressing. It is a mix of everything. You will fit in everywhere but nowhere. You are extremely arrogant, but you are very much aware of your own faults. Capable of anything yet not motivated to do a thing. Witty and charismatic but have a low tolerance for bullshit. People. Great with advice but follow none of it. You are most likely a genius but have trouble handing your own emotions. You are an extrovert who needs a lot of personal space. You love being different, but you hate being misunderstood. You have brilliant ideas but lack the patience to follow through with them. You have more interests than anyone you know but will get bored with every one of them. Easily understand the thoughts of others but find it hard to translate your own. Surprisingly compassionate yet seemingly very cold. We make it look fun but it’s really not. If purgatory had a face, it would be ours… and we would smile from behind the cell wall as if nothing was wrong.

    I made corrections and changes (from the spoken word, not the poorly copied text) only to account for differences between spoken word and written. Other than that, this is the exact text. It hit me like a brick because yeah… that is me to a T. As I said, I will spend some time this morning looking for more. It is nice to see that I am not alone with this.

    The temperatures outside are extremely unseasonable. The widget on my computer is currently reading 9° (which is about 48° Fahrenheit for my American readers). That is a nearly thirty-degree temperature swing (or about fifty-five-degree swing for the Americans) from just four or five days ago. Not only will I be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar (or two) today, but I will also need neither my winter jacket nor my heater. I only have one obligation on my calendar for today, which is my check-in call with my weight-loss buddy. She canceled last week because she was hosting for the holidays, but I assume that we will be back on for today. Other than that, I am hoping that my wife will join me for a cigar (or two) as I sit and bask in the beautiful weather.

    My back is aching a bit today. It is as if I went to the gym and worked out muscles that I am not used to working. Yes, that is exactly what happened. I am not unhappy with the achiness… I know that it is part of my penance for letting myself get so out of shape.

    The leftover turkey is finished, which is a relief. I am happy to say that while I am still 2.5 lbs. from my best-weight-yet territory, I am 2.5 lbs down from where I was yesterday. I had considered preparing a chicken dinner for myself after the gym but decided not to when Leslie invited me out for a cigar date. It was the right decision for a couple of reasons. The first of which is that I should never neglect my wife, and spending time with her is more important than almost everything else. The second reason is that I have been trying to get back on track with my eating, and while Saturday’s gourmet New Year’s Eve dinner at Lyle and Dorothy’s will be an exception, getting back on track yesterday was better than trying to get back on track today. As it is, I did have some peanuts in the car, and that was enough sustenance that when I decided to go to sleep around midnight, I had a lot of things on my mind… but hunger was not one of them. For today, I plan to make my regular chicken and salad for lunch, and then maybe later in the day I will have a meal replacement… or two, if I need it.

    Speaking of meal replacements, I ordered a box of them from Amazon yesterday. I usually run like the wind away from anything with the words ‘Cookie Dough’ in the title, but I decided to give them a chance. They are 190 calories each, with 21g of protein, 12g of fibre, and only 1g of sugar. If I like them, I can stick with them. If I do not, then I will suffer through them (there are 12 in the box), and then I will try something else for my next order. As it stands, I think I am due to receive another couple of boxes of the last ones that I ordered in a couple of weeks… their nutritional values were not as good, but they were extremely satisfying, so I decided to not cancel my subscription order just yet. We will see how good these cookie dough ones are…

    I have been spending a lot of time this last week trying to gauge my focus on my journal writing as a bellwether to see how well I am focusing (in contrast with before I started on my meds). Today’s article was not done in thirty minutes without interruption… but the interruptions were more that, and less distractions. On the one hand, I do think I want to discuss raising the dosage when I see my doctor next week. On the other hand, I still think I am doing better than I was pre-meds. Speaking of which, there are a couple of potential side effects that I am hoping to see… but they are not things that I will discuss – not even in my private journal.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 343

    No, I did not do well yesterday. I took my son for Greek food, and while I ordered a salad (which had way too much dressing and cheese on it), I also indulged in the pita and tzatziki. Other than that, I also ate too much turkey in the evening. One advantage of not having leftovers on a regular basis is that if I want to eat more than I cook, I have to actively make the decision to cook more. With leftovers, I simply go into the fridge, add more onto my plate, and I am done. Fortunately, the turkey that I brought home from Cam and Amanda’s will be done today, and I will be back to cooking as usual.

    I do not have any great plans for the day today. I do have a session with my personal trainer, which means that I will spend a couple of hours in the gym, including a good workout, followed by 30-60 minutes on the treadmill. After that, I will spend 10 minutes on the hydro-massage table, then 15 minutes in the sauna. All of that should help my body remember the consequences of getting off track, and why I need to get back onto (and stay on) track for the new year.

    I know I need to get back on track, not only with my fitness but with my diet as well. I also know that Saturday is New Years Eve, and I will be visiting with friends who are gourmet chefs. After that day, I am going back on my program… and will be in the gym as much as I can. I know that beginning the second week of January I will be teaching a lot, which is good… but I will still find time for fitness. While work is important, and as a consultant I need to make hey when the sun is shining, I also need to make sure I am healthy. I want to be alive and healthy for years to come… no matter how down I may get sometimes (see posts from 2-3-4 weeks ago).

    As long as the weather cooperates, today should be a good day to sit on the balcony with a cigar. I am just praying that the wind is not too bad because the temperature will be above the freezing point all day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 209

    As can be expected following an evening walk like I had last night, I woke up this morning with achy legs. The blisters on my feet had blisters on them. I will not let that stop me though… I am on a mission.

    The bathroom scale gave me back what it took away yesterday, and so I am again at the weight I was Sunday. While it is good to be back on track (and at my best weight), I would have liked to have gotten a pleasant surprise, maybe a new low. I know, that is not how weight loss works. I did expect, after an extremely productive bowel movement, that it might be even better… but no, there it was, the numbers on the scale aping those from a couple of days ago.

    I realized yesterday as I was preparing for my walk that I was a bit ambitious with my clothes, or at least with my workout clothes. I put on a sleeveless t-shirt that I have worn a couple times, but as I was preparing to walk out, I realized that my belly was exposed… and I do not want that. I changed my shirt, and later in the evening I told Leslie that when I am down there, we will need to try to pick up a couple of t-shirts. In truth, I probably have a few t-shirts that will fit just right, and later today (while my students are doing labs) I will go through my bins and see what fits.

    Princess Sophie has a play date today, so I will be teaching uninterrupted. In truth, she is a really good buddy, and seldom disturbs me while I am teaching. Occasionally, she asks to be picked up; usually she does her own thing. The one thing she does go nuts over is when she hears Charlie in the hallway; that they will be together all day will give me one less thing to think about.

    The weather forecast is predicting a beautiful day, but I am hoping that instead of walking this evening, I will go to Taekwondo. It is intimidating getting back into it after long absences. I am less worried that I do not remember my patterns as I am that I have not done my stretches in a long time, and I have never been the most flexible of people even at my best. Nonetheless, I will suit up and do what I can. I might just take the opportunity to spend the entire class stretching on my own. One of the advantages of being the senior man in the gym (both age-wise but if the Master is not in the gym, then I outrank the instructors) is that they will pretty much leave me alone if that is what I want to do.

    On that subject, I wish I had an area at home that would be comfortable to stretch, but the floors are terrible, and knowing that I am hopefully moving in the next few months, I do not want to invest in mats for the floor. I also know (or at least strongly suspect) that Princess Sophie will not really leave me alone if I get onto the floor to stretch. We’ll see… I may give it some more thought. I am also thinking that I might look into joining a gym for a few months. Before I do, I am going to wait to see how long I will likely have to wait for my visa once we file the application (hopefully next week). However, it is probably safe to assume that I am going to have to spend at least one more winter in Canada… and joining a gym will make working out in the cold and snowy and icy winters more doable. That is to say nothing for the strength training that I will be able to add to my walking. Yeah… now that I think of it, I am going to look into it. I do not want to spend more than I have to, but if GoodLife has any promotions going on, I might do that sooner rather than later.

    I was thinking last night that I have not golfed since June. I then realized that while I enjoy golfing, I also know that it was a contributing factor to my falling off the workout track back in 2020. Of course, living in Southern California (and only a mile from the golf course), it was easy to substitute walking and jogging for golfing, even after work (I was working in another time zone which had me online at 6am… but then I could run to the course by 2pm and play 18). Living in Canada, and working in the local time zone, I have plenty of time to go for a power walk at the end of the day (or to Taekwondo, or to the gym), but playing 18 holes of golf when I work until 5:00pm? There might be two weeks of the year when I could do that.

    All this to say that I might consider taking my golf clubs to Texas before the winter. I might get in one or two more rounds this season… but the only way that I can safely do that is to remember up front that the way I golf, it is not an exercise, it is a game.

    As is usually my routine when I teach, I prepared my lunch during the morning break, and I have an alarm set to remind me 25 minutes before we break for lunch to turn on the air fryer. The salad is ready and is cooling, and my chicken will be tender and juicy. I look forward to my lunches, despite the fact that they are almost always the same. I do so because lunch is my only meal of the day. I still enjoy eating and am glad that I have modified the rigorous regime of the program to include a single meal. I know that I am not losing weight nearly as fast as I might if I was only on meal replacements (which is a grueling 900-calories per day), but the benefits are tangible. I also hope that by doing it this way, I will be able to keep the weight off long-term.

    Have a great day folks!