Losing a part of me

Yesterday’s realization regarding my falling out of that extreme classification (Morbidly/Severely Obese, or Obesity Class III) felt so good. I could not stop kvelling about it! I called my wife and told her that I was obese! She could not figure out what I meant… until I explained it, at which point it was definitely something to celebrate. She has been my number one supporter throughout the process… even if sometimes (more often than either of us wish) she has had to show it to me through tough love.

I have said often that when I look in the mirror, I still see a fat man. I have said often that this might be a psychological thing that will never go away. However, I looked in the mirror this morning; a day after spending a lot of time reading my thoughts and feelings and perceptions from the beginning of my journey – as well as where I was after I fell off and started gaining weight and losing ground – and tried to evaluate myself realistically. I still have a belly… but it is nowhere near as immense as it was a year ago. I still have man-boobs that hang down, but they do not hang down as far nor feel as heavy as they were. I still have ‘love handles…’ but they are not sticking out from my centre nearly as much as they did. When I stand with my hands to my side, if my arms are completely rigid then my hands do stick out… but only a little, and not nearly what it was. I can look at myself objectively and see real progress. That could be because of the exercise I did with the tape measure the other day, or maybe it is because as my body shrinks, the mental anguish of being morbidly/severely/Class III obese is shrinking as well. It may not shrink as quickly… but I think that my mind is starting to accept that I was not always fat, and I do not have to always be fat.

Yesterday was weird. I had a lot of disruptions – some of which were professional and important, others… less so. However, in the afternoon I sat at my desk, and for the first time in I don’t know how long… I studied. I probably spent five or six hours working on my new certification, which is really exciting. It is not really the certification that is exciting, it is the knowledge and skills that I am learning from the studies. Additionally, I realized something that I have told my students countless times… the class materials are a great starting point, but they are not enough. I spent a couple of extra hours building a virtual lab environment for myself so that I can play with the tools we are being taught… and not just press the buttons that the labs tell us to press. This is taking me outside of my comfort zone – I have always been able to do absolutely anything related to Microsoft Windows, but my experience with Linux is much less complete. Building the machine was a challenge (that took me hours to overcome), and then realizing that the differences between this particular version of the Linux distro that I downloaded – in name, the same as the one that CompTIA integrates in all of its labs, but in practice the differences between that and this look like jumping from Windows 7 to Windows 11. In short, things that I thought I knew I would have to relearn… or more accurately, learn better. This journey is also helping me to see that if I keep it up, I might be able to change my descriptor from ‘IT Professional with a strong understanding of security’ to ‘IT Security Specialist.’ We’ll see.

I said at the beginning of the last paragraph that it was weird, but I want to elaborate on that. It has been years since I have been able to sit at a desk and focus on studying. I am not saying that I did not get distracted, which would be a lie. I am saying that every time I was distracted, I did what was called for, and then went back to studying. It was truly amazing that over the course of six or seven hours, I probably did a legitimate five hours of studying. With my inability to focus and concentrate for so many years I have not been able to do that, and I see this as a direct result of my ADHD meds actually working. I am thrilled that I am seeing huge improvements, and so far, no noticeable side affects. I do not know if that will change, but I have discussed some other improvements with Leslie, and will be reporting back to my doctor once again that I (we) are seeing noticeable results.

I have so often vented my frustration at the numbers on my bathroom scale, often because of the unstable flooring in my apartment which so often gives inaccurate readings, often varying as much as a couple of pounds from one reading to the next just seconds later. This morning was no different. My three readings ranged between a 1.2 lbs. gain and a 3 lbs. loss. In the end, I opted to keep the measurement that seemed the most reasonable. I kept to the program religiously (again), so the 1.2 lbs. gain did not seem realistic. At the same time, it is unlikely that I dropped three pounds overnight. In the end, I kept the reading that has me down .6 lbs. from yesterday, which means I am four pounds down in a week. I am happy with that. I would be happier if the floors here were consistent though. While that is not even in the top-twenty ‘Reasons I am excited to be going to see Leslie this week.’ I know that when I step onto her scale, I will know exactly what I weigh on any given day.

I have had a headache since last night. I know it is not because of dehydration; I am drinking enough water daily to float a canoe in. That does not make it any less real. I noticed it after smoking with a couple of guys last night, but let’s be honest… I have enough experience with cigars to know that they do not cause me headaches. I will stay aware of it and see if it continues longer than a day or two. It is not bad enough for me to want to take a pill for it, but If I am still feeling it tomorrow then I will reconsider.

I did not sleep well last night. I probably fell asleep around 3am. I was not watching TV, I was just… not sleepy, no matter what I tried. I also woke up to pee (wow did I have to pee) three times between getting into bed and waking up this morning. I was relieved to see that at least I was able to sleep until 8:30am. When I have trouble getting to sleep, I am always worried that my eyes will pop open at 7:05am, despite not having anything pressing to do that day. If Princess Sophie really needed to go out, then she would tell me… but otherwise it was good to be able to sleep a little bit later than usual.

Where has the morning gone? I am amazed to see it is after noon already. I helped someone by editing (read: ripped to shreds) their CV, but I cannot imagine that took me as long as that. I have written a bit, I have answered some emails, and I wasted a little time on Facebook. With that said, I realized this morning that I have not watched TV at all this week. That is really new for me. I knew that when I was teaching during the day last week that I would not have time for it, but this week I had plenty of free time, and did not do it. I thought about it for a few minutes yesterday, then decided to try to work out a few of my Linux issues. Whether or not it is because of the medications I do not know, but I do know that I have been a lot more productive this week than I usually am on weeks when I am not teaching.

While I am not actually hungry, I should probably prepare my second meal replacement of the day. I am trying to keep a regular schedule which should help me to stay on track and waiting several hours until I am really hungry is probably a bad idea. I think there are a few drops of coffee left in the pot so I might make that last half-cup… we’ll see. I will do some studying today, but then I expect I am getting together with friends.

Have a great day folks!