Losing a part of me

Category: Focus

  • Day 15 – A streak!

    As I was sitting with my friend watching hockey yesterday, she ordered a plate of Buffalo wings. When they arrived, I asked her for the celery (which she was happy to give me, and even ordered extra celery for me). While there is a misconception that celery actually has negative calories, in fact I know that I probably consumed a full fifteen calories in that cheat. If I were to do that every single day of my diet, I would consider it a resounding success.

    Of course, I do not plan to do that every day… but between wanting one of the wings and wanting a piece of celery, I think we can all agree that I made the right call.

    Aside from the celery, I was true to the program again yesterday. That makes three straight days of only meal replacements, and two days of 800 calories. We take our victories where we can, right?

    While I had lost weight before gaining it all back, I now weigh what I did on January 3rd of this year. I have a long way to go to where I want to be, but positive progress is always good.

    I was sleeping so well last night when HRF Princess Sophie told me that she needed to go out. I was not happy about it, but I know she was not feeling well yesterday – she had not one, but two accidents in the house. The first time my son called me to say she had an accident in my room, and he cleaned it up. When I got home she had had another accident, this time in the kitchen… only my son was asleep, so I cleaned it up. My poor girl is usually very regular and disciplined, so when this happens it means that she is having tummy issues, and I take it seriously. We went out at about 12:15am, and even though I forgot my phone at home, I stayed out with her until I felt she was ready to go back inside – around 12:45am. Fortunately I was able to get right back to sleep, and my pretty girl snuggled into me comfortably for the night.

    It has been just over five months since I moved from Canada. When I arrived – or at least, the day that I unpacked my bathroom scale – I weighed three pounds less than I do today. That was my lowest weigh-in since arriving. I suppose then that will be my first milestone to achieve. I hope I will be able to hit it within the next week, and at the pace I am going it might be as soon as Thursday or Friday. I suppose my next big milestone after that would be to reach my lowest weight of 2026; As of today, that is just over twenty-six pounds away. With that said, that would be forty-nine pounds from my starting point, so really it should be within a few days of my goal of fifty by New Years. Let’s just put those two milestones together as one.

    I am sometimes an idiot! I have had in my mind when I hit that twenty-pounds down mark that I then had a little over a month to lose the rest of the fifty pounds I was shooting for by News Years. I just a few minutes ago realized that as of today there are sixty-six days until New Years Eve, which means I don’t have just over a month… I have just over two months left! That changes things. It is not that I am going to ease off my efforts; rather, I am going to change my goal. I am not going to advertise it, but I would love to have lost (from Day 1, two weeks ago today) seventy-five pounds by New Years Day. That would be 75 pounds in 80 days… and while it would be one helluva feat, it would not be unprecedented for me on this program. All that is required is that I do not cheat… not one bit.

    How should I maximize my chances of success with that plan to not cheat? A lot of it will involve planning ahead. For example: When I leave the apartment at 3pm, I might be out until 11pm some nights. If I have had three meal replacements before I leave the house, I should make sure to bring two with me to have as needed. I have a small cooler that I can take with me to ensure that the bars to not melt; I did that yesterday with good results. That way, rather than being tempted to eat ‘out in the wild,’ I will have what I am meant to be eating. Yes, I know that I could if needed buy a small packet of almonds; I do not want to do that. What I want to do is stay on my damned program! I also need to remember to drink a lot of water. In my case, this is simple – when I arrive at my local bar every one of the bartenders knows to pour me a pint of soda water… and to keep refilling the glass as needed. I love the staff there!

    If I do succeed in losing 75 pounds by New Years Eve then that will also take me somewhat significantly under a major psychological number. How great would that be?

    I think I mentioned yesterday that I did a whole lot of organizing in my room. My next step is the closet, which I spent twenty minutes on today (and it needs hours more). One of the things that I need to do – which I took a good swing at this morning – is to sort out my clothes (specifically my custom tailored suits, jackets, and shirts) by weight category. Once I have done that, I can put them away in drawers or bins which will go a long way to decluttering my closet. I realized, as I went through things, that I have a lot of clothes that fit in the range of about 60-70 pounds lower than I am now. I can live with that… but it will take me a huge effort to get there. I am going to get there. In fact, I am going to get past there so that I can fit into the clothes that I had made when I weighed one hundred pounds less than I do today. It is just going to take time, focus, and dedication.

    Okay, I suppose I should close out for now. I have some things I need to get done today that are actually work. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 851

    I have missed a couple of days blogging, and have not been too happy with myself. My weight yesterday morning was 289.2 lbs., a very short step to that dreaded 290 lbs. mark which I have been trying to stay away from. This morning I actually hit that mark for a minute… which is to say that after returning from my walk with Her Floofness I was preparing breakfast and felt the need to move my bowels, which is something I have not been very successful at these last few days. I finally had a good poop, and because I had not eaten yet I decided to reweigh myself. My weigh-in at 8:45am this morning had me significantly down from that, and from yesterday’s weight. Phew!

    Leslie and I decided a few days ago that when her son goes back to his father’s house for a few weeks that we will do the extreme program together for that time, and it begins on Wednesday. I have enough eggs for tomorrow morning’s breakfast, and I will shop today for tomorrow only. I miscalculated on my shopping only because I realized only this morning that today is a holiday and that the grocery stores are closed. The only food I have in the house is a couple of meatless burgers, so that will be my lunch with a salad. I will go out for dinner, but I will eat carefully. While it could be considered a ‘last splurge’ meal, I am not going to go nuts with it. Maybe I will pick up a shawarma plate or something. I will figure that out later today… but not too late, as I am teaching this evening and do not want to have my meal after 9:00pm.

    The past few days have been interesting. I wrote on Friday that my son the elder came over for a dram and a cigar, which was exciting as I had not seen or heard from him since October 11. We had a nice chat, and I invited him to come with me to the suits and tuxedo sale that my lodge was holding Saturday morning. He met me here at 7:30am and we drove down to Grimsby, where we both picked out a tuxedo. He was disappointed that they did not have a better selection of regular suits, but was nevertheless pleased with his new formal wear… as was I. We pulled into my parking lot shortly after 9:00am, and he was able to get to work on time for his shift… which had been my major concern.

    In the early afternoon on Saturday I tried on all of my new duds, and was extremely upset that the pants that I had selected did not fit. I ended up going back in the afternoon, at which point I not only got a pair that did fit, but also got a tails, and at the urging of a couple of the brothers I also picked out a couple more vests, cummerbunds, and bow ties.Now if I can only lose the weight to fit back into the smaller pants then I will be happy with myself.

    Following that, I went to a cigar and barbecue event at a friend’s house down that way. This particular friend hosts events on a regular basis and has been inviting me down for seven years, but this was my first time attending. It was a lot of fun, but I could not eat any of the barbecue because it was all pork products. I did snack, which I should not have. After one cigar I went home and prepared a proper meal for myself.

    Sunday was a strange day. I had very little energy, and although I had planned on going shopping for groceries, I kept putting it off. Around 5:00pm, after eating an early dinner, I lay down for a nap. I had a weird series of dreams that mostly involved my tossing and turning in bed trying unsuccessfully to nap, trying to get to a class that I was teaching and did not want to be late for, and dropping off my dry cleaning while alternately being hindered from doing so by the casts of Seinfeld and Friends… not the actors mind you, the actual characters who were doing their best to make sitcom bits of the dry cleaning experience. I found none of it funny, and when I woke up I was not at all rested, and it was too late to go to the supermarket. I was concerned by three things: one, I was as unrested after a long nap as I had been before the nap (you try dreaming about not sleeping well); two, would the supermarkets be open on Monday  which would be Victoria Day (Spoiler alert: They are not); and three, after having had a full meal at 4:30pm, would I need to eat again. I did take a couple of yoghurts, but nothing more.

    Something else that I was concerned about, although not necessarily just then, was that I had not posted either Saturday or Sunday. If I am going to get back to my best weight ever (I am fifty pounds up!) then I have to be on track. My journal is one of the ways that I keep myself accountable to that, even though it has not helped me these last seven months. Getting back on track is extremely important to me, and I am going to do it. Having Leslie doing it with me will make it a bit easier… it is an extremely difficult program, but doing it alone makes it even harder. She and I discussed it this morning and agreed that having each other to keep us company should make it a little easier. I am nervous… but I am going to succeed. I have to. I want to look good in my tuxedo, after all!

    I have a little more energy today than I did yesterday… but not much more. I have work to do so it cannot be the same sort of lazy Sunday as I had yesterday; even though today is a holiday in Canada, I still do most of my work for American companies, and so they have expectations that do not revolve around Queen Victoria’s birthday. Next Monday is Memorial Day in the US, although I still do not know if I am teaching that night or not. I sent an email just now asking for confirmation, although I have to assume that I am. I will also work during the day, as I am now on a writing project that will require no interaction with anyone else.

    I have changed my mind. After I finish writing this entry I am going to run out to pick up food. I am going to check in on the other supermarket to see if they are open, although I dout that they will be. I will pick up my restaurant meal for lunch, and will have the veggie burgers and a salad for dinner. It makes more sense to eat the heavier meal earlier in the day. After lunch I will probably rearrange my office because I am working on a project that will require me to be recorded for the end result, and we (the recording team and I) agreed that having my very busy apartment as a backdrop might work for live classes, but would not work for a proper and professional recording. I will take Princess Sophie to the neighbour’s so that she is not here while I am moving furniture around.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 571

    Today will be better than yesterday.

    I wrote last night that I was having a very difficult time of it. I was down and depressed with no motivation to do anything other than binge-watch reruns of old television programs. It was weird though; I was not completely out of sorts, I was just… blah. I enjoyed my cigars, but I was just not enjoying life. I thought perhaps it was because I was angry with myself over my failures of the previous day.

    They say that therapists need therapy and that attorneys should never represent themselves. I spend so much time writing about positive attitudes and stratagem that it might make one think that I am some sort of fifties television father who never gets cross, or at least never too much and never for too long. I try to be as positive and upbeat as I can be, even in the face of sadness, disappointment, and failure. Most of the time it works. There are also days like yesterday when it really does not.

    There is a quote from one of my favourite TV shows: “Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you. Put it another way, fake it till you make it.” I sometimes put on a brave and happy face even when I am not feeling brave or happy. I do so in the hope that if I do it enough, the maskirovka will become reality. Last night during our chat Leslie wrote: “If only it was as easy as you giving me some patience and me giving you some of my self discipline…” The funny thing about that is that while I do my best to demonstrate the greatest patience at all times, it is not my normal state. My inner nature is one of instant gratification. That impatience has never served me well and I do my best to suppress it, but I do my best to always maintain that outer calmness… even when my interiors are bursting with ‘I want it now!’

    I think of all of this, and I think of how I fell completely off the wagon on Saturday, and how rather than letting myself go I forced myself to be better yesterday. I think of how it is when I am alone and down when food would really make me feel better… if only for a little while. I think of days like yesterday and how, despite being emotionally miserable, I stayed true to the program. It is because I was able to do this, because I was able to tell myself that my depression was rooted in the higher numbers on the bathroom scale that were caused by the cheating of the previous day that I was able to say to myself: ‘It does not matter that food will make me feel better now… I want to feel better tomorrow, which is exactly why I cannot eat now. Leslie reminded me that however the food might make me feel in the present, it is only a temporary high. In that way it is exactly like an addiction to narcotics, which is a comparison I have often made… although I am not sure I have ever framed it in the context of a food-high. It is nevertheless quite apt a comparison. Foods – and especially unhealthy foods – give us an emotional high that makes us feel better now… even while it is making us fat and unhealthy. I suppose I do not need a twelve-step program; I only need to chat with my wife and then think about what she said as I write in my journal. Wisdom achieved.

    While I did not do so on purpose, I woke up and got ready earlier today than I usually do. I needed a shower – I just felt dingy – and then I took the Floof for her walk. I had my omelette, and as I sit here typing the end of today’s journal entry it is not yet 9:30am. Having had too many days when, knowing I am not working, I might procrastinate and check Facebook and whatever else until I realize that it is time for my midday meal replacement, and then wonder where the day went. Not today. By 9:45am I will be outside on the balcony with my coffee and cigar with my computer in front of me, noise-cancelling earplugs in to block out the distractions, and I will be studying until it actually is time for my midday meal replacement. In the afternoon I am getting together with friends (either one or two, depending on who shows up), and at 5:00pm I will send them on their merry way so that I can enjoy my late-afternoon meal replacement before I begin my class. Following my class I hope my wife will be free to talk, but I understand that when her son (my stepson) is with her she is not always able to do so. I might enjoy another cigar on the patio and, if Leslie is not available, I might watch television for an hour, comfortable in the knowledge that it is a short distraction after a full and productive day. I will try to be asleep at a reasonable hour.

    Okay, so right there was my first distraction. I went to check my calendar to see if I had forgotten anything I need to do today and ended up also checking a few other things. I lost maybe fifteen minutes on it and will still be out and getting things done in the next twenty minutes or so. I would give my ADHD meds credit for my not getting so easily distracted, and for not going down the rabbit hole for quite so long… but then why did I do so several days over the last week? No, I think this morning I am just focused and determined to be productive.

    Before I close, I do want to write a bit about the timing of my meal replacements. I mentioned last week that I suspected one of the reasons I failed a couple of times was that I was pushing my meal replacements too far, and in so doing I was letting my hunger get past the point of being satisfied by a 225-calorie meal replacement. Yesterday I realized at a certain point that I was due (or overdue) for my midday meal replacement, but I wanted to finish my cigar, so I waited even longer. I decided then to be cognizant of that and fight any urges that I might feel. I did feel somewhat peckish in the afternoon, but not so bad that I needed to cheat. The excellent cigar I was smoking (and the glass of iced tea) might have helped. I then forced myself to have my second meal replacement at 5:30pm, even though it was only three hours since my previous one. That way I was well positioned to prepare my final meal replacement at 8:45pm… at the tail end of the worst of my glumness, and early enough that I would feel accomplished in not eating any later in the evening (which is never good on any weight loss program).

    The timing of meal replacements on a program as extreme as this is so important to plan. Begin too early in the day and you can find yourself near the end of the day with no more allotment of calories, but still hungry. Begin too late in the day and you might find yourself eating or drinking the last one way too late to promote good sleep and healthy weight loss. When I was on the extreme program – remember, I am having my morning omelette so it is a modified program – I remember each time I began doing the math to see how far apart I should space them, as well as what time I should have the first one. There are other factors at play here… if you are commuting or taking care of a child or in meetings then it might be necessary to plan around those. That is why each person’s program will look a little bit different… but the stratagem are equally important to all of us.

    After an extremely good one yesterday I was hoping that I would be able to successfully move my bowels again today, but despite adding fibre to at least one and often two shakes every day, it seems the dry spell was only briefly interrupted by one good storm, and my efforts today have again thus far been to no avail. I would have thought that following the cheat day I would have at least gotten a couple of days of crap out of it, but so far that is not to be. The weird things we think of when dieting and trying to change our bodies. In any event, while my efforts in the W.C. provided none, I did get good news from the bathroom scale: I dropped the weight I had gained from Saturday’s cheat and my weight is once again below 260 lbs.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 538

    I wrote yesterday in these pages yesterday that I was going to try to walk five kilometres, or more if I felt up to it. In the end I walked twelve kilometres… and it felt great! I thought briefly about trying to jog some of it, but in the end decided that a long power walk was a better idea than a shorter walk/jog… especially since it would be my first one in a while, and because of how hot it was. I came home, and before I jumped into the shower, I put my chicken and potatoes into the air fryer so that they would be ready for when I was clean and dressed. After my lunch I sat on the balcony with a cigar and a book. In truth, I smoked two cigars, accompanied by a cup of coffee. Realizing that it was going to start raining, I took Princess Sophie for a walk before the deluge came, and it is a good thing that I did. It began to rain within a minute of our coming inside, and it really came down until I was halfway through my class.

    I was not only able to go for a good walk yesterday, but I also decreased my food intake. I had lunch after my walk, and then during the class recess I made a meal replacement shake. The results were quite clear this morning… I dropped all of the weight I gained the last two days. I am still over 270 lbs., but not by much. My goal is to get down to 267 lbs. before I fly to Dallas Saturday morning.

    One of the factors I discussed with Leslie yesterday is that I am less concerned about gaining weight while I am with her because I know that she is watching, and that I will not cheat (or at least not as badly) while she is. It is really only when I am alone that I go overboard. I should not need supervision to have self-control; I did extremely well until I fell off the wagon. As Leslie pointed out, at least I was able to see that I was falling and ask for help. I know that I have been here twice before, and both of those times I continued to fall until I had regained every lost pound. This time is different. This time I have someone in my corner who can help me get over these humps.

    Today is not as hot and sunny as it was yesterday, but that matters little as long as it is not raining. I have to drive into Toronto for a few hours, so I would not be going for a walk anyways. Tomorrow it is forecast to rain all day, so I am going to have to figure out how to get my steps in. As it has been said, meteorologists were put on this planet to make psychics seem reasonable; I will make a decision about that tomorrow during the day.

    Okay, I am off to Toronto. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 504

    Just as happened the previous evening, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and saw a shocking number. Unlike the previous, it did not all disappear the next morning. I am, once again, within a couple of ounces of the 260 lbs. mark. I am not happy with myself; I know I have to do a better job today than I have these last few days, or else I am going to slide back into old habits. That would result in the eventual catastrophe of losing all of the progress that I have made.

    All is not lost. I know that over the last year and a half I have had several plateaus. They have been breaks from the rigidity of an extreme program which cannot be sustained long term. There have been a few of them, and I have always managed to get back on track. I will stay aware and stay mindful, and I will not give up. It is only when I start to let go that I really start to lose.

    This morning’s class is very relaxed… at least, it is for me. I got through almost all of the lectures by end of day yesterday, so this morning I only had one topic to cover. With that said, the students have a lot of labs that they have to get through, which is what they are doing this morning. The two students who have completed the labs are working on practice exams. All said, the class is ready for tomorrow’s end-of-class assessment test. I can do a little bit of work on my own stuff this morning when I am not answering student questions. After lunch I will pick Kerry up from the train station, and she will be here for a few hours. My evening class will not be quite so relaxed… but it is one of the classes I do not fret about. Unlike yesterday, I am not counting the minutes until my class is over tonight… although I do intend to have another cigar date with my wife when it does!

    While it was not reflected on the bathroom scale this morning, I made it through yesterday mostly unscathed. Truly I cannot understand how my weight jumped a full two pounds this morning, but I am sure that if I stay on track then it will get back down tomorrow. I just have to stay focused. I did run all of my errands yesterday, and somewhere along the way I realized I had lost my glasses. I was able to retrace my steps, and finally found them at the service desk of the supermarket. Phew! While I love my other pair of glasses, they are scratched up and waiting for the new lenses to come in (which is another ordeal which I will not spend time on). I would have worn those had these gone missing, but I am glad I got them back.

    I have not been sleeping well these last few nights. I strongly suspect that is because my linens were dirty, as well as not tight (which happens when I have had not changed them in three weeks). I stripped the bed this morning and put them into the laundry. This evening I should have an answer to whether or not that was my issue. If not… then it is likely because I hate sleeping alone, and Leslie will be here in three days to solve that issue… at least for a couple of weeks.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 426

    I have mentioned before that one of my fitness tracking apps (Garmin Connect) awards badges for many different accomplishments, including your first activity of any distance. I was scrolling through my collection of badges yesterday and came across the 10K Run badge, which I assumed would have been earned last week. Not so… it seems that I earned it in August of 2012. I had almost forgotten that for a few weeks in that month I had a Garmin watch, and that I used it a few times before losing it (I believe it was left behind in a hotel room in Miami, although the hotel denied it at the time). Looking back at that activity I cannot help but assume that this was not a jog at all, rather a walk… but that I had not properly configured the watch. Knowing what my average pace is today for both walking and jogging, it is impossible to imagine that I was jogging at a pace of 10m54s per kilometre… even at whatever my weight would have been around then (looking at my records I see that it was between 300-310 lbs.). My average walking pace now is under 10m per kilometre, and for jogging that drops to between 7m30s and 8m15s, depending on whether I am on the streets or on a treadmill. I see that the device was a Garmin Forerunner 410 (an early predecessor to my new Forerunner 255). Looking at the image of it, I do not recognize it. Of course, that was a different life; I was a month past my fortieth birthday and had no idea how many failures I would encounter before finally finding success with my weight loss journey. Is this the ultimate success, where I will actually be slim forever? I hope so. I do find it amusing that according to the same app, I only earned the 5K Run badge last month.

    Jogging (Treadmill)

    • Distance: 8 km (5 km)
    • Duration: 45:43 (41:43)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 5m42s (7m29s)
    • Steps: 6,390 (6,350)
    • Calories burned: 636 (551)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 153 (157)

    Yesterday I did end up at the gym and got extremely frustrated with the treadmills. If you do not keep your hands on the sensors, they stop after a few minutes. That is extremely frustrating as I enjoy moving my arms as I would exactly if I were running on the streets or on a trail. Hopefully today and the rest of this week I will be able to jog outside, although the forecast from Wednesday through Saturday is for rain and snow. Hopefully during the day, I will be able to get it done.

    While it was a little chilly and windy for my liking, I still decided to sit on the balcony with a cigar in the afternoon. After my jog I did take my hydro massage, followed by a quick shower, then fifteen minutes in the sauna, and then another more thorough shower. I stepped onto the scale at the gym (which I do not consider authoritative) and was thrilled to see that I weigh much less than the last time I stepped onto the same scale – by about forty pounds. I have not been taking full advantage of my gym membership, but that does not mean that I have not been exercising and working out. I have certainly lost a good amount of weight since my last visit there, and I only wish that my personal trainer had been there to see the difference from the last time she saw me!

    I do not think my mood was so bad yesterday. Today might be a better indicator, although I am also hoping that my increased exercising will give me endorphins that will help to counterbalance the crabbiness that might come with the first days of the full fast. I will try to get out again today, but if things hold up then I will be running outside rather than at the gym. The forecast is for a mostly sunny day with high temperatures around 8°, which would be perfect weather for a jog as long as I remember to suit up in warm layers. The shorts and t-shirt that I was able to get away with in Dallas would be less than ideal. Fortunately, Leslie and I picked out a couple of pair of sweatpants and long sleeve t-shirts at the outlet mall; combined with a jacket (and gloves should they be necessary) and I will be perfectly prepared for the great outdoors.

    I got a message from the clinic in Toronto last night that their shipment of my meal replacements is only arriving today, so my drive into town will be delayed by twenty-four hours. As I have plenty of product left, that will not be an inconvenience at all… especially since my cleaning lady is coming today, so if I was going to drive into Toronto, I would have to be back in time for that, which would greatly impact the window I have open to jog outside in the good weather. Tomorrow the weather will be slightly cooler and cloudy, but that does not mean that I will not be able to jog outside… only that I will have to plan my jog smarter. The forecast for Thursday is warmer but wet… I do not really mind jogging when it is warm and drizzling, but unless the temperature prediction is off by fifteen degrees, Thursday I will be back on the treadmill.

    It felt amazing last week when I put on one of my casual dress shirts that had not fit just a few months ago, only to realize that it was too big to wear. That shirt, along with another from the same era, went into the ‘donate to charity’ bag at Leslie’s. What I was not thinking about at the time was that I am now down to only two long-sleeve shirts in that category. I am not planning on buying more… we are only a few short weeks away from my being able to switch to golf shirts for the season, and for the days that I teach I will be wearing dress shirts anyways. When I got back to Canada, I optimistically tried on some of my Size-36 pants, but they are still a few pounds away from fitting. That is frustrating not so much because I am overeager, but because my Size-38 pants (especially the jeans) are now quite loose on me. There is no in-between!

    When I spoke with my wife last night, I told her that I was thrilled with my weight drop from the previous day, but I knew that it was a travel day, and that I expected I was going to give back a bit of it this morning. Far from it! According to the bathroom scale, this morning I dropped another two pounds. That puts me a full 6.4 lbs. ahead of my 2020 pace. Looking at the chart from 2020, I see that I drop nearly two pounds over the next two days before gaining back nearly three pounds. I also see that on that chart I vacillate over the next 2.5 weeks between a low of 266.6 and a high of 271.6, which I would hit for the last time seventeen days from now. In 2023 I am hoping that in six or seven days I am down three more pounds, which will push me below my best weight from 2020… which would have me beating my 2020 pace by a full seventeen days. Unlike in 2020, I do not plan to stop there. I plan to keep losing weight until my Army uniform fits perfectly… and probably beyond that.

    As I have mentioned before, I do not know how much weight I want to lose because it has been so long since I was slim… and when I was, I was a lot more muscular than I expect I will be now. Until I modified it a couple of days ago, I had one app on my phone configured to a goal of 210 lbs. I changed that to 195 lbs., for no good reason that I can think of. I do not know at what point I will have the body that I want. I do know that I do not want to be forever obsessed with my body and weight loss. Just yesterday, Leslie pointed out to me how front-of-mind it is for me, and she is right. It is not enough that I write about it daily (and at great length), but I also talk about it a lot. I have to stop doing that. While it is fine that I still want to lose the rest of the excess weight, but I have to stop being obsessed with it. Focus is good, mindful is great; obsession to the point of mania is probably not a good thing. I will start to pay closer attention to that and remember that the fact that I am doing so well does not mean that I should be so single-minded about it. One of my better qualities (I have always thought) was my eclectic nature, and ability to discuss myriad topics. I would not be surprised if someone listening in on any conversation I had when I was in Dallas would have heard ‘bla bla Cigars bla bla Jogging bla bla Weight Loss.’ It is time to go back to being ME. I will continue taking time out of my morning to write in my journal, and I will continue to jog and exercise, and I will continue to stick to my program… but I will try to get back to being a more well-rounded and less boring and repetitive me.

    While it is still cold (2°) now, it looks to be warming up by several degrees over the next hour, so I will plan to head out around 10:30am. I just mapped out a route that looks to be just under 11 kms which suits me fine, although I would like to try to complete a fifteen-kilometre jog by the end of this month. I know that my pace will not come close to what I am able to achieve on the treadmill and that is okay by me. If I can average under 8.5 minutes per kilometre then I will be a very happy man. I only wish the provincial parks did not charge such high fees, or I would drive out to either Bronte Creek or Rattlesnake Point for a more nature-inspired jog. Perhaps once the weather is a bit warmer, I will start doing that, but for now I think I will stick to the roads.

    I stuck to the program yesterday; I plan to stick to the program today. I am loving my progress, and I do not want to falter. Focus and mindfulness will get me through to my ultimate success.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 390

    I was disgusted with myself as I dropped my son off after our lunch together. I forget the draw of the chips and salsa that are brought unbidden to the table, and I ate a lot of them. It was only later that I looked them up to discover that the serving is 310 calories with 68g of carbs. I think the 4g of sugars is irrelevant… I should not have touched them without looking them up first, and once I looked them up, I should not have touched them at all… but once I touched them, I should absolutely have limited myself to 5-6 chips. Once my meal came (which was what I had planned) I ate all of the vegetables and about half of the chicken, but I had almost none of the rice. I do not think that is a good trade-off for the chips, but it was at least a minor penance.

    Driving home I realized the gravity of my mistake and tried to figure out how best to handle it. I decided that if carbs are fuel for the body, then I should work out. I had a number of reasons why going to the gym would not have been convenient, so I decided to go for another jog. When I got home, I suited up, and remembering some of the discomforts of yesterday I made two modifications to my wardrobe. Looking through my front closet, I found a pair of gloves that I bought specifically for running (they are branded The Running Room, which means that I was married to my first wife when I bought them), as well as a headband that I suspected would double nicely as a neck warmer. I told Leslie that I was going for an hour, and I set out on my trek.

    My pace was not as quick as it was the previous day, but that did not matter as much as getting out and doing it. I chose to take mostly the same route as yesterday, except I opted to run through the park. While there was a brief area where I was careful because I was not sure if it was water or ice, the trail was mostly dry. I knew it was unlikely that I would be able to do the whole 6.5 km path jogging, but I was determined to do a little better than I did previously. I forced myself to jog until I had three kilometres behind me, then I pulled up, reset my trackers, and walked the remainder of the way home. With the slightly longer route through the park that I took, the total distance was 3.6km, which took just over 1h5m. Whatever the pace was, I consider that a successful outing, and if there was anything I could do to mitigate the stupid lapse in judgement at lunch.

    I do not know what the jog did to counterbalance my disgusting indulgence, but despite the horrible 1.6 lbs. gain this morning, I am still glad that I did it. The exercise was necessary, whether as a penance for my transgression, or simply as way to clear my hear and refocus my energies on what I need to do. This morning I sit looking out on a new day, and I will be back on track with my program. There will be no eating off the program this week. I will be sticking to it religiously, and by the end of the week I will be beyond that next minor milestone… below the 280 lbs. mark.

    I should mention that I really hated seeing the number shoot up on my push to best weight ever spreadsheet. Today is the eleventh day that I am maintaining it, and to see the comparison to 2020 shoot up from 2.4 lbs. yesterday to nearly 7 lbs. this morning hurt. I should take a peek into my previous journal to see what I did on July 30 to drop so sharply the next morning… but it shot back up the following day, so whatever it was, it did not last. Tomorrow’s comparison number will be better.

    I had to help Leslie with a difficult issue in the afternoon, after which we were able to relax with a couple of lovely cigars on the balcony. Video dates with her are tough, but in the grand scheme of things we both know that technology makes us easier to stay connected now than it would have even a decade ago. We both hate the distance, but at least we can have these times together with our video calls.

    Today I have nothing much going on in the morning, and then my housekeeper is coming in the afternoon. I have to remember that when I leave the house to pick her up from the train, I need to stop at the supermarket to pick up distilled water for my humidor’s humidifiers, which ran empty this weekend. Even though Kerry will be here, Eduardo might come over in the afternoon for a cigar, which will be nice. He wanted to come Wednesday, but that would not work for me. It will be nice to catch up with him; I have not seen him since I went to Dallas. I will teach in the evening, but unlike the stress of last week, this week I teach three evenings for 3.5 hours each. That is nothing I have to worry about, and it will be a relatively stress-free week. Tomorrow I am having a haircut and then going into Toronto to help someone with some computer issues they are having, and the only stressful part about that is having to drive into Toronto (and then out of it) during the week. I am tempted to take the train and ask them to pick me up and then drop me off (or at least take an Uber). Driving in Toronto is the epitome of not fun. I thought for a few minutes to change my haircut to a haircut and straight razor shave, but that was when I thought it was $15. I just went online to look, and they charge $80 for the combination… for that money, I will shave my own damned stubble, thank you very much! Yes, the straight razor shave feels so wonderful… but at that rate it will always be an occasional indulgence, and not a monthly occurrence!

    My plan for the day is to stay on track, and not lose focus as I did yesterday. I need to regain my forward (downward) momentum. I would think about going to the gym, but after two jogs over the weekend, I think I am going to take a couple of days to rest my quadriceps. One thing I am surprised about is that these last couple of days I have not had any pain or even minor discomfort in my right knee. I know that even as late as Friday I was taking Tylenol to ease it. I wonder if whatever is wrong with it is improved by the exercise, which is interesting because every study and anecdote I have ever heard about states that jogging is bad for the knee. Maybe it is not that my knee is better, but the recovery pains in my quads are distracting me from it. Who knows? Whatever it is, I am going to keep it up!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 367

    Yesterday’s realization regarding my falling out of that extreme classification (Morbidly/Severely Obese, or Obesity Class III) felt so good. I could not stop kvelling about it! I called my wife and told her that I was obese! She could not figure out what I meant… until I explained it, at which point it was definitely something to celebrate. She has been my number one supporter throughout the process… even if sometimes (more often than either of us wish) she has had to show it to me through tough love.

    I have said often that when I look in the mirror, I still see a fat man. I have said often that this might be a psychological thing that will never go away. However, I looked in the mirror this morning; a day after spending a lot of time reading my thoughts and feelings and perceptions from the beginning of my journey – as well as where I was after I fell off and started gaining weight and losing ground – and tried to evaluate myself realistically. I still have a belly… but it is nowhere near as immense as it was a year ago. I still have man-boobs that hang down, but they do not hang down as far nor feel as heavy as they were. I still have ‘love handles…’ but they are not sticking out from my centre nearly as much as they did. When I stand with my hands to my side, if my arms are completely rigid then my hands do stick out… but only a little, and not nearly what it was. I can look at myself objectively and see real progress. That could be because of the exercise I did with the tape measure the other day, or maybe it is because as my body shrinks, the mental anguish of being morbidly/severely/Class III obese is shrinking as well. It may not shrink as quickly… but I think that my mind is starting to accept that I was not always fat, and I do not have to always be fat.

    Yesterday was weird. I had a lot of disruptions – some of which were professional and important, others… less so. However, in the afternoon I sat at my desk, and for the first time in I don’t know how long… I studied. I probably spent five or six hours working on my new certification, which is really exciting. It is not really the certification that is exciting, it is the knowledge and skills that I am learning from the studies. Additionally, I realized something that I have told my students countless times… the class materials are a great starting point, but they are not enough. I spent a couple of extra hours building a virtual lab environment for myself so that I can play with the tools we are being taught… and not just press the buttons that the labs tell us to press. This is taking me outside of my comfort zone – I have always been able to do absolutely anything related to Microsoft Windows, but my experience with Linux is much less complete. Building the machine was a challenge (that took me hours to overcome), and then realizing that the differences between this particular version of the Linux distro that I downloaded – in name, the same as the one that CompTIA integrates in all of its labs, but in practice the differences between that and this look like jumping from Windows 7 to Windows 11. In short, things that I thought I knew I would have to relearn… or more accurately, learn better. This journey is also helping me to see that if I keep it up, I might be able to change my descriptor from ‘IT Professional with a strong understanding of security’ to ‘IT Security Specialist.’ We’ll see.

    I said at the beginning of the last paragraph that it was weird, but I want to elaborate on that. It has been years since I have been able to sit at a desk and focus on studying. I am not saying that I did not get distracted, which would be a lie. I am saying that every time I was distracted, I did what was called for, and then went back to studying. It was truly amazing that over the course of six or seven hours, I probably did a legitimate five hours of studying. With my inability to focus and concentrate for so many years I have not been able to do that, and I see this as a direct result of my ADHD meds actually working. I am thrilled that I am seeing huge improvements, and so far, no noticeable side affects. I do not know if that will change, but I have discussed some other improvements with Leslie, and will be reporting back to my doctor once again that I (we) are seeing noticeable results.

    I have so often vented my frustration at the numbers on my bathroom scale, often because of the unstable flooring in my apartment which so often gives inaccurate readings, often varying as much as a couple of pounds from one reading to the next just seconds later. This morning was no different. My three readings ranged between a 1.2 lbs. gain and a 3 lbs. loss. In the end, I opted to keep the measurement that seemed the most reasonable. I kept to the program religiously (again), so the 1.2 lbs. gain did not seem realistic. At the same time, it is unlikely that I dropped three pounds overnight. In the end, I kept the reading that has me down .6 lbs. from yesterday, which means I am four pounds down in a week. I am happy with that. I would be happier if the floors here were consistent though. While that is not even in the top-twenty ‘Reasons I am excited to be going to see Leslie this week.’ I know that when I step onto her scale, I will know exactly what I weigh on any given day.

    I have had a headache since last night. I know it is not because of dehydration; I am drinking enough water daily to float a canoe in. That does not make it any less real. I noticed it after smoking with a couple of guys last night, but let’s be honest… I have enough experience with cigars to know that they do not cause me headaches. I will stay aware of it and see if it continues longer than a day or two. It is not bad enough for me to want to take a pill for it, but If I am still feeling it tomorrow then I will reconsider.

    I did not sleep well last night. I probably fell asleep around 3am. I was not watching TV, I was just… not sleepy, no matter what I tried. I also woke up to pee (wow did I have to pee) three times between getting into bed and waking up this morning. I was relieved to see that at least I was able to sleep until 8:30am. When I have trouble getting to sleep, I am always worried that my eyes will pop open at 7:05am, despite not having anything pressing to do that day. If Princess Sophie really needed to go out, then she would tell me… but otherwise it was good to be able to sleep a little bit later than usual.

    Where has the morning gone? I am amazed to see it is after noon already. I helped someone by editing (read: ripped to shreds) their CV, but I cannot imagine that took me as long as that. I have written a bit, I have answered some emails, and I wasted a little time on Facebook. With that said, I realized this morning that I have not watched TV at all this week. That is really new for me. I knew that when I was teaching during the day last week that I would not have time for it, but this week I had plenty of free time, and did not do it. I thought about it for a few minutes yesterday, then decided to try to work out a few of my Linux issues. Whether or not it is because of the medications I do not know, but I do know that I have been a lot more productive this week than I usually am on weeks when I am not teaching.

    While I am not actually hungry, I should probably prepare my second meal replacement of the day. I am trying to keep a regular schedule which should help me to stay on track and waiting several hours until I am really hungry is probably a bad idea. I think there are a few drops of coffee left in the pot so I might make that last half-cup… we’ll see. I will do some studying today, but then I expect I am getting together with friends.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 340

    It’s Christmas Day, and Princess Sophie and I will be relaxing at home for most of it. Yes, she woke me up in the middle of the night to go out again, because she absolutely hates the weather, so she holds her business until she realizes that she can’t anymore. I appreciate the consideration; I just wish she had it at 9:30pm and not 2:15am. I love my doggie, so despite my issues falling asleep the last little while, I got bundled up and took her out. Fortunately, she was not dawdling… she did her business, and then made a beeline for the front door of the building.

    Despite my best planning, I had to go out yesterday afternoon… to the store… in violation of every rule that I have ever set for myself. I was not careful, and I spilled the last of the milk, meaning I could either venture out and brave the cold, the wind, and the holiday hordes, or I could drink my coffee this morning black. I do so when I have to, but I really do prefer a little bit of cow-juice in my coffee, and my morning coffee is one of my constant pleasures in life, through good times and bad.

    While I was at the store, I decided to splurge. Yes, my diet has gone to crap through these last few days and weeks, but I am still essentially treading water. I decided to buy myself fancy buns and meatless hamburgers, and I made them for dinner… even though I had already eaten my daily meal. The bigger mistake that I made for my meal plan was having that in the evening, after having my chicken earlier in the day. I should not be eating carbs and starches at night; if I am going to eat them, I should be doing so earlier in the day. I bought two of the buns, but only ate one of them last night. I will correct this mistake today and will have (meatless) hamburgers for lunch. Of course, since they are vegetarian burgers, I might even add some cheese to them today. Happy Holidays!

    I was hoping that the winds would die down so that I could enjoy a cigar on the balcony today, but that is not in the cards. Depending on whether I listen to the CBC (who predicted a forecast high of -2°, or the weather app on my phone (which has it at -5°), the winds are not dying down today. They should abate in the middle of the night, and tomorrow should be better. HRF and I are driving to Strathroy tomorrow to visit with my godchildren tomorrow, so it is unlikely that I will be smoking – unless I decide to enjoy a cigar in the car. Tuesday, however, shows a forecast of partly cloudy with a high of -3°, which would make for a perfect day to spend a couple of hours on the balcony… as long as I bundle up and light up the heater. We will see.

    It is incredible what a difference a year makes. I remember spending last Christmas with my wife (then girlfriend) and it was wonderful… but I was at or near my absolute heaviest weight; despite my joy at spending the week with Leslie, I hated myself. I did not have to look into the mirror to feel it, I remember the difficulties I had tying my shoes, I remember hating that even my XXXL shirts did not fit properly, and I hated that I needed to buy a 4XL ski jacket, because the jacket that I had worn for fifteen years wasn’t just tight, I actually could not close it up. Walking Princess Sophie was a chore, and we would hardly walk to the corner before turning around and heading back. I remember the difficulty in just bending down to pick up after her, and how embarrassed I was that I had to struggle to do so. Today I am married to a woman who loves me. I am ninety pounds lighter than I was; in warm weather, I can walk ten miles, and at a very good pace. I am wearing Size 40-42 pants, and shirts that are either XXL and loose on me, or XL and fitting properly. I can bend down to tie my shoes, or I can do what was not so long ago unthinkable and cross my leg (without bending down to pull it over) to tie them. I still look in the mirror and see that I am extremely overweight… but despite plateaus, I am still trending down toward where I want to be. I may not truly love myself yet… but I see great potential, especially with the recent realizations of what many of my real problems are and beginning on the road to fixing them.

    Why do I plateau? The physiological answer is simple… I stop following my meal program religiously, and I cheat. The psychological answer is not so simple, nor is it as simple as saying ‘here’s something we can point to that is the reason for cheating.’ In 2017 I lost nearly a hundred pounds, and I did so in a twelve-week period. It was intense, it was regimented, it was absolutely unforgiving. When the program was over, it did not take very long for my weight to creep back up, until I was back to where I started… and worse. 2019-20 was not so different. I think those two times I was so unforgiving of myself that when my life got more difficult, I forgot the lessons I learned – just like after my military service, I let all the regimented strict behaviour go. I hope that this time around, taking longer but being more forgiving of myself will allow me to not revert back to old behaviours once the program is over. I have to remember that cheat meals might be an occasional indulgence, but not a daily one. I have to remember that portion size matters, and that if I go overboard on a given day, the following day cannot be a continuation of that… despite the fact that I will feel hungrier and tempted to indulge. I have to stay focused… forever. So yes, I have these plateaus, and I sometimes beat myself up over them. I have to find a way to make sure that they stay in check, even though they are going to happen.

    This current plateau (which has now lasted a month) has to end, not with my going back up, but by getting back on track. I know that tomorrow I will be indulging at Cam and Amanda’s house for Boxing Day, and I know that New Years Eve I will be indulging at Lyle and Dorothy’s… although that one will be less of an indulgence, knowing that while they are gourmet chefs, they have been trying to lose weight (even before Lyle’s stroke). Aside from that? I will be back in the gym this week, and I will be back on my program. Today I am making the correction to eat my hamburger (with the seeded ciabatta bun) at lunch and will have chicken as an early dinner. I will not be buying any more breads, with the exception of challah rolls for the Sabbath. I will not be buying any more popcorn or pop chips – While a serving portion may not be bad for my program, I do not yet have the willpower to limit myself to a serving portion. I have said it a few times this week… Focus.

    In addition to focus, which has been a theme these last few days, I have to include awareness. I have to be aware of everything that I eat, and everything that I buy at the store. As an example: a couple of days ago, I decided to buy a box of Corn Flakes so that I could make a different chicken recipe for myself. The fact that the box of cereal was here means that Mr. No-Willpower had the means and opportunity to have two bowls of it a couple of nights ago. Does that mean I cannot make my different chicken recipe because I cannot withstand even the slightest temptation? No… but rather than buying the cereal, I will look for breadcrumbs that have similar nutritional value, but no temptation to eat.

    I am over eleven months into this program, and I still do not feel that I have built the willpower to withstand temptation. That does not mean that I have not changed (or at least started to change) the unhealthy relationship I have with food. Not only am I more aware of my dietary requirements for my religious progression, I have also noticed that some foods are just less appetizing to me when I see them in advertisements. That is not to say that I did not steal one chicken wing from my son the other night when we were out for dinner… but the fact that I only stole the one chicken wing shows real progress. As for the salad that I ordered, which was delivered in an edible bowl: I took a very small taste of it, and then crushed it down and doused it with water so that I would not be tempted to eat it. The speaks to my awareness that is better than it was; I knew that eating the bowl was a bad idea, so I took action to eliminate its allure.

    Today is Day five of my medication journey, and I am seeing some real improvement. As I mentioned yesterday, I do not know if that is because I am looking for it, and so I am behaving the way I want to be… or if I am really seeing a difference from the medications. It might be a little of both, but in the meantime, this journal entry (which is now close to 1,700 words) was done with only minor interruptions… I got up to pour another cup of coffee, and while I did, I realized that the tower of wrapped presents that was perched on the side of my desk might fall if I did not move them, and so I did. Other than that, I have been writing from the time I sat down. Is that medicated focus, or is that my wanting to be focused? I don’t know… maybe it is a little of both.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 338

    I am running late this morning, but it is not because of a lack of focus. In fact, quite the opposite. I have had a very productive morning. The training company that I am starting to work with in January asked me for some of my previous course evaluations, and I had to track them down. Some of them are easy – I have them in my e-mail, and for the Microsoft courses I have delivered there is an online evaluation system called Metrics That Matter which has been in use as long as I have been a trainer. With that said, most of the non-Microsoft courses (the ones that I am currently focusing on) are not as easily accessed, as there is no central collection repository for them. I have found (and shared) what I could, but I have also requested more from the other training centres I have worked with. We’ll see what I get – for a top trainer (which I like to consider myself) it is always nice to see the evaluations that come from the students, many of whom I will stay in touch with long after our week or weeks together are done.

    I did something this morning that I do not remember doing in recent memory. I woke up at 7:30am, got up to use the washroom quickly, and then went back to bed and slept until 9:15am. I do not know if it has anything to do with the new meds that I am on, or if I have simply been tired for a few weeks and knew that I had no obligations this morning, but it was glorious. Princess Sophie, who had been sleeping in her own bed on the floor most of the night, climbed up onto the bed and snuggled in with me, as if to let me know that not only was it okay to not take her out right away, but that it was a really good idea to have a lazy morning.

    After finally getting out of bed and doing my morning washroom rituals, I took a look out the window and knew right away that Princess Sophie would only step foot out the front door is she really needed to go. I usually do not start the coffee pot until we are back from our walk, but this morning I opted to do so before we went out. Sure enough, we got to the front door, she took one look outside, and set her feet firmly on the indoor carpet. She is not a fan of precipitation in any form, and the blowing snow that she saw the second I opened the door was not at all to her taste. We came back upstairs, and we were settled in before the coffee pot was half full. She did ask for a play date with her friend Charlie, and the two of them are currently frolicking around the apartment behind me.

    I had a very productive bowel movement this morning, which is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it means my bowels are purging a lot. It also means that I have eaten more in recent days than I am used to, which is not a good thing, and is something that I will work on starting today. As I mentioned yesterday, because of the forecast weather I am essentially hunkered down inside for the next few days, and there will be little opportunity to cheat – I have enough food to last for nearly a week, but I do not believe I have anything really bad for my diet… unless I decide to defrost the Montreal Bagels that I have in the freezer – which I do not intend to do. No, these next few days should be easier to stay on track.

    Again, I have been distracted while writing this journal entry, but not by Facebook or other nonsense. I had a positive email exchange with the training company and have another contract with them starting in February. Additionally, I received a message from Esti (my father’s partner) and called her back to not only to catch up and to wish her a Happy Channukah, but also to discuss with her a number of issues pertaining to myself, my family, and hers. These may be distractions, but at least one of them was a necessary one (for professional reasons). Income is important, and when a call goes out to trainers, the difference between signing a contract for $11,000 dollars and getting nothing can be a matter of minutes. I think we can all agree that this is a distraction worth being distracted by!

    My psychologist called me yesterday to offer me a regular meeting time beginning in January. I am thrilled by this, but I will have to be careful about scheduling. My classes will conflict with the appointment time, and I will have to remember to schedule meal breaks around that. It is not something I have no experience with, but I will have to remember to look at my schedule carefully when planning courses out. Hopefully with my newfound focus (thanks to the chemical help) I will not forget to do that.

    With a little over a week to go, I think I have given up on my one hundred pounds lost in 2022 plans, but I do still hope I can achieve that goal in the year since starting the program (January 20, 2023). All I have to do is focus. Isn’t that a huge overarching subject of my last few weeks, and especially my hopes to address the ADHD issues? Focus, Focus, FOCUS!

    Because I slept in, I ate my morning meal replacement earlier, which means that I can now start preparing my lunch to eat at 1:00pm, rather than at 11:45am. I hope that will help me to get through the day successfully, without having to worry about adding extra meals (or even meal replacements) throughout the day. These last couple of days I had an extra meal on my plate (and on Wednesday it was actually two extra meals). Today’s only program aberrance will be my Shabbat challah bread.

    Have a great day folks!