Losing a part of me

I made some mistakes yesterday. In my excitement leading up to my trip to Dallas, I packed my meal replacements in my checked luggage. I snacked at the airport, and then on the plane. I did not go overboard, but I did not have a salad or a protein bar. It became a cheat day… but it was always going to be one, to a greater or lesser extent.

Leslie picked me up at the airport and we went home to change, and then we went out for sushi. This was always planned, and it was always going to be a cheat meal. I knew a week ago that this morning I would weigh more than I did yesterday. I told Leslie last night as we left the restaurant that I would be 4-5 lbs. heavier today, and that it was worth it. I was wrong… despite the indulgent meal, and despite having a cocktail with my cigar when we got home, I was only two pounds heavier that yesterday.

I started the day today with a meal replacement shake and a cup of coffee. For lunch, I picked up salads from our favourite drive-thru salad restaurant (they have everything in this country!) and when I was finished, I opened the can of Pringles that I bought at the airport. Leslie gave me a look. I told her I was only taking a handful, not even a complete serving. She looked at me and told me I was not making good or smart choices. I ate two chips… and then I told her that she was right, and I threw the remaining chips into the garbage. I also told her to hide the can so that I would not find it. Or to throw it out. I do not know what she did with them… they are not on the counter, and I will not go looking for them.

I had my semi-weekly appointment with my therapist, and we did touch on weight loss. I will not go into what she suggested today, but I suspect that sometime in the future I will.

I am teaching this evening, so I will have a meal replacement before, and then one afterward, and that will be the extent of my eating for today. The salad was wonderful; it is hard to believe that it has less than 400 calories. It might perhaps be easier to believe that realizing that I am a bit hungry right now, and it is only 3:15pm. I will wait until 4:30 to have my next meal replacement, so that I will not be hungry through class.

Leslie and I have discussed some of the other meals we will have this trip, and how she can be supportive on my program. She was right to tell me that she felt like she was shaming me when she told me to not eat the chips. I told her that sometimes I need to be shamed. I told her that the much bigger shame was not only knowing that I have lost over 100-pounds, only to gain it all back within less than a year and a half… but that I have done so twice. I explained to her that if she wants to be supportive passively then she can be, and I will always appreciate it. If she wants to be more active and shame me when I need shaming, then I will not only accept it, but I would need it. I will love her either way.

One thing that we did that is exciting is we took a picture of me in the same pose as my Day 1 and Day 200 pictures, and I put them side by side to show my progress. This is what it looks like to lose one hundred pounds! I spent a bit of time trying to get the three pictures (including one from Day 200) side by side, and then updated my About page on the blog. Leslie asked if I could see a difference. It is like night and day for me! I look at the Day 200 picture and I still look fat and disgusting. Looking at the picture from today, I still see that I am fat… but I also think that if I was on a mind to stop losing weight now (which I am not!) then I would look pretty decent the way I do now. Imagine what I will look like when I have lost another eighty pounds! I am so excited to think about that.

Another thing that Leslie and I discussed was my wardrobe, specifically my tailored shirts and suits. I took my blue sports jacket to the tailor to be altered, and I picked it up Tuesday. This was the second time this jacket had been altered. The first time I thought it felt great. This time, I feel like it is a jacket that was tailored for someone eighty pounds heavier than I am that was altered to try to fit. I left it at home and will be donating it at some point. I also told her that while they seem to fit reasonably well, the collars of my tailored shirts are all way too big, and that it is almost time to get new shirts made. My suits and pants all fit fine, as does the sports jacket I have from 2017. When the tailor comes back into town, we are going shopping. Now that I am looking reasonably good, I want to look really good when I take Leslie out… if not just to teach.

Have a great day folks!