Losing a part of me

I do not know if I am having a harder time today than I have the last few; I do know that the emotional pain and anxiety are crippling today. I am not sure if part of that is because when I took Her Floofness for her walk we met up with her friend Angus… a corgi. The lot of us then met up with Molly. Their mommies are very nice ladies and chatty and sociable, and we did our full walk for about half an hour and all that time I pretended that everything was okay when everything really is not. Looking at Angus… it is just painful inside.

While I was speaking with the doctor yesterday, I told her what was going on and she asked me a lot of questions trying to determine if I might be in a state of mind to do harm to myself or to others. I assured her that my religion precluded me from self-harm; my religion and my desire to be a good person preclude me from harming others. I have no interest in hurting anyone. I do not want to hurt myself either. The fact that I do not know how I can carry on does not change the fact that I do not plan to end it all. No, that is not how I am going to go. As bad as things are, I am hoping that I will come out of this into something better. That might take a long time, but it will get better.

I had mentioned that my weight was up significantly yesterday from the previous day. Fortunately, that righted itself this morning; according to the bathroom scale I weigh the same today as I did Monday. I hope to do better today so that tomorrow morning that number goes down again. I know, hope is not a strategy. I will work to make sure that is the case.

It has been five months since my housecleaner has been here, and she is coming over this afternoon. While the apartment is not a complete pigsty, I am looking forward to having her mop the floors and do a bunch of other things that I normally forget to do. I did not book her in anticipation of my buddy coming into town next week, it only worked out as a happy coincidence. There is so little happy in my life these days so I will take what I can get.

I’ll see you all tomorrow.