Losing a part of me

Category: Doctor

  • 2026 Day 26

    I am going to blame my weight this morning on my neighbour. No, I am not up… but I am not down either. And no, I never actually blame anyone else for anything that goes into my mouth. When my downstairs neighbor offered me some of her homemade cauliflower soup yesterday I accepted. When she told me she was giving me a couple of slices of fresh bread I could have said no… in fact I did, but then I said ‘Okay, okay… one slice won’t hurt.’ When she gave me four slices I could have refused, of I could have politely accepted them and then thrown them out when I got home. I did dispose of them… but not in any way that I should have. They were delicious with the soup. I hate myself for having done it, but I did it.

    Owing to that, this morning my weight was exactly where it was yesterday morning. While there is still a chance that my weight will measure 10kg less than my last visit to the doctor, that will depend more on the time of day than my actual success. I fell slightly short of my promise.

    For those avid readers who obsess over these things, I mentioned in yesterday’s entry that following the first part of the entry I finally had a successful bowel movement. This morning I actually had two – one before stepping onto the bathroom scale, and one more productive one later on in the morning. By later, it would still have been early enough to get back onto the scale… but I decided not to. In truth, the only weight reading that matters today will come in about ninety minutes when I step onto the scale at my doctor’s office. As we say in French, on vera.

    My sleep would have been excellent across the board last night… had my eyes not popped open at 1:35 and stayed open for an hour. Yes, right in the middle of a great night sleep there was an hour that I was awake and could not for the life of me close my eyes. While I try to avoid screens when this happens, I knew that doing some reading on my phone would at least tire my eyes. When I finally felt the fatigue come on I embraced it immediately, throwing the phone to the side and it happened. My overall sleep score, even with the hour awake, was a 78 (fair). Three of the six other readings were in the Excellent range. I’ll take it after the previous night’s abysmal score of 37.

    I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel on a project that I took on nearly two years ago, and on which I am now sixteen months late on completion. I have put a lot of work into it these last three weeks or so, and I am satisfied that the end is near. Of course, I have to wait for approval on everything that I have written so far before I can do any more recording (it is a course that requires both content creation and video delivery). With that said, the project is one that has had me lying awake in bed many nights. For over a year it was the stress of having to sit down and do the work. Last night it was not what popped my eyes open, but as I lay awake I did give some thought to some improvements I could make to what I wrote… and how to better go forward.

    While my appointment is not until 9:15am, I am glad I set my alarm for 6:15am… and was not displeased that my eyes popped open a few minutes before it sounded. I have gotten a few things done already, and will be ready to leave home in plenty of time to get there early.

    Over the last few minutes I stepped away from the computer once again for another bowel movement. This third BM of the morning was by far the most productive of them, and I feel a relief I have not felt in a few days. It is almost as if my insides know that when I was at the pharmacy a few days ago I purchased the powder that I used last year to flush out my colon when I was in so much agony from being stopped up. Yes, I am back on the fibre… but this was a bit more than I expected!

    Okay, now I am off to the doctor’s office. I will leave this entry open so that when I get back I can write about the results.

    Okay, I am back. My doctor was pleased by my 9kg drop, and the improvement to my blood pressure. I promised I would continue to stay on track. I did admit to her that the entire weight drop is the result of of these last nearly four weeks of effort, with a big fall in the middle of that. As long as I can keep showing improvement she is happy. I will see her again in six weeks.

    After a couple of weeks of absolute bitter cold, this afternoon the temperature is set to rise to an almost bearable -5°. What a relief!

    I have a lot to get done before I head out for my afternoon in Grimsby and Beamsville, so I will close out here.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 4

    Over the past month I have not really trusted my bathroom scale. I have had a lot of inconsistent readings, and have often had to adjust it on the floor to get it to register at all. As such, the fact that this morning my weight is eleven pounds down from what it was Thursday morning (Day 1) is dubious. I also recognize that as my weight drops the scale will be more accurate and consistent and trustworthy. Am I excited that the number is eleven pounds down? No. Am I encouraged knowing that I have been doing pretty well, and that however accurate or inaccurate the scale may be, I weigh less than I did four days ago? Yes.

    As I discussed in my article yesterday, I did end up buying celery. That will be a good snack for times that I get hungry between meal replacements. Owing to the fact that I (stupidly) went to the store three hours after my previous meal replacement, I also bought peanuts. I made the conscious decision to leave them in the car, which means that I will not sit around the house eating them. They are there, I will snack on them when I drive, but really they are a break-glass option. Peanuts (unsalted) are very healthy, and while I am not going to try to justify them as an acceptable addition to my program, I know that when I am weak and tempted (as I was Friday evening) they are a better alternative than a lot of other options out there. I also know that after the supermarket closes there are a lot of snacks that I could buy at a convenience store… none of which are nearly as good choices as unsalted peanuts. If I am going to cheat, let it be a minor cheat and not a ‘off the wagon’ cheat.

    I have never figured out (nor done any type of research on) how my fitness watch measures and rates my sleep. I do know that it is usually (not always) pretty accurate. For example, if I think I slept really well one night, but the watch give me a low score and says ‘non-restorative’ then I will doubt its veracity… until I realize by mid-morning that I am ready for a nap. When I woke up this morning I checked my score: 80 (Good). The details:

    • Duration: 7h43m (Excellent)
    • Stress: 22 avg (Fair)
    • Deep: 1h51m (Excellent)
    • Light: 4h35m (Good)
    • REM: 1h17m (Good)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 33m, 34 Restless Moments (Fair)

    While I felt like it must have been 6:00am, it was actually about 12:40am when Her Floofness jumped down off the bed. When she does this in the middle of the night, unless she is sick it means that she is thirsty. Owing to the noise coming from my server farm in the office, I keep the bedroom door closed at night, so I knew I had to get up to let her out. I would have had to get up to bring her back onto the bed anyways, so your suggestion that I bring her water dish into the bedroom would have changed nothing. I took the opportunity to use the washroom (remember I am drinking a lot more water), then brought the Floof back up, and then got back into bed. I lay awake for the next 25 minutes wondering if I would ever get back to sleep. Obviously I did… and I know it was 25 minutes because that’s what my watch tells me it was. I do not know sow it all gets measured, but with a sleep score of 80, I suspect that I will not feel like I need a nap today.

    I do not know if it was because I had peanuts and celery, but I do not think I had my fourth meal replacement yesterday… again. As today is going to be a quiet and lazy day, I do not think that is the worst thing in the world. I suspect that starting tomorrow, when I will be teaching from 10am to 9:00pm, I will definitely need every calorie I am allowed on the program. Before you ask, I did not know how many I had, but I know I did not eat nearly as many peanuts yesterday as I had the previous day. That is a bad habit – I should be measuring my food intake and I should be aware of everything that I eat – that I will try to break… but I have tried many times before with no success.

    I do not think I have anywhere I need to drive to today. I plan to stay close to home for a few reasons. The first reason is that I do not feel like seeing people if I do not have to. I also know that the peanuts are in the car. With all of that, I also have a Check Engine light going on my dashboard, and I have a note on my calendar to call the mechanic tomorrow morning. Until I get it checked, I do not plan to drive anywhere that I do not need to drive to. Hopefully the mechanic will be able to look at it Wednesday morning (by the time I speak with him tomorrow, it will be too late… and Tuesday morning I have to take Her Floofness to the spa for her grooming appointment). I do not expect it is anything too serious… but it is better to be safe than sorry. Also… peanuts.

    I did drink at least my two litres of water yesterday, and am already halfway through my first litre of the day for today. I was thinking that I got a late start to the day, but really I did not – according to the fitness watch, I was out of bed at 7:46am – so I really am on track for most of my day. I suppose my shake was later than it could have been. We came in from our walk around 9:30am, which means that I did not make my shake until 9:45am… much later than I would on a work day. I remember in previous attempts at this program, I would space my shakes out at four hours apart – 8am – 12pm – 4pm – 8pm. That may be a good plan for the week, but for today I would either have to condense that, or bring it down to three meal replacements. We will see how I am feeling.

    I am hoping that over the next few days I will see how adding celery to my program affects me. I cannot imagine there would be any negative effects, but I wonder if eating two or three stalks per day might make me feel less hungry, or if I might not even feel the need for the fourth meal replacement. This week will be an experiment.

    On the same topic, I did something I do not think I have ever done before. When I brought the celery home, I immediately washed it, and then cut the stalks into thirds, placing them in a sealed container in the fridge. I hope that will keep it crispy. We will see, but if that works, then I will continue that regimen when buying celery.

    When I saw my doctor on November 27th I made her three promises. The first was that by the time I see her again on February 1st I will have lost 10kg. The second was that I would check my blood pressure at the pharmacy at least once per week. The third promise was that I would start doing some light exercise. It took me a month to get to where I am (with a number of false starts and ups and downs), but I am about halfway to the 10kg promise. As for my blood pressure? No, I have not measured it once. I have to remember to do that the next time I am there, but I keep forgetting. I will try to go this week, but even if I do not, I have another medical appointment next Monday and I know he will take my bp… and I suspect he will do blood work as well. If he does not, then I know that my doctor will order blood work on the 1st. As for the exercise? That one has also been a fail.

    The sun is shining, and it is a lovely day outside. Unfortunately, the wind is blowing pretty hard, so while the temperature is hovering around 0°, according to the weather report the wind chill is -11°. Even when it is hot outside, sitting out with a cigar when it is really windy is not comfortable. I will see if it dies down throughout the day, but if it does not then I will be inside for the duration. Yes, I took Her Floofness for a good walk this morning, and we will go out again in the evening… but if it is too windy then other than that we will be hibernating.

    Seeing as I will be inside all day, I might take the opportunity to dust off the treadmill and start making good on that third promise I made to the doctor. I do not think I am ready to jog, but what is to say that I cannot walk 5km? It is time I get off my duff and start trying to get back into shape. We’ll see… but I think that is a good plan for the afternoon. I am going to wait until my neighbour gets home from Costco… Princess Sophie will be happy to go over there for a visit!

    Speaking of things I should be doing… I might try to take a certification exam this afternoon for a class that I have been putting off. That is a good idea!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1089

    Another day in front of the computer, another pound dropped. Yes, as I am eating less frequently it stands to reason that I am losing weight.

    I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon to get a vaccine for a disease that I am pretty sure I will never get, but it is a requirement. Okay, fine. Aside from that, I have a lot of studying to do and will be at my computer most of the day.

    I slept much better last night… at least, according to my fitness watch. A sleep score of 88 and it really did feel good. My body battery only got up to a 60 which means that I likely need a couple more days of good sleep, as well as some exercise, to get that up. My knee and back are still aching, but both seem to be on the upswing. Hopefully by the end of the week I’ll be able to get onto the treadmill.

  • Day 1085

    I was in front of my computer all day yesterday, but I was busy most of the day and forgot to post. My weight has crept up two pounds these last couple of days. This, despite my eating pretty smartly. I am not happy about it.

    I had to be up early this morning to drive to a doctor’s appointment in Vaughan, which for those of you not hip to the geography of the GTA is about 75km from here… and for a 9:15am appointment that meant getting up very early and bracing myself for a long drive. I am glad that I was home at a reasonable hour. I had lunch and answered some emails. Now I have to get ready to head to Grimsby for the evening. Another long day. Tonight is my Lodge’s chili night. I am not particularly looking forward to it, but a couple of the brethren told me they are preparing the chili special for my religious dietary requirements. I’ll have a reasonable helping.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 932

    I did not expect it, but my weight dropped nearly three pounds from yesterday. I did not expect it because around 10:45pm last night my knee was in so much pain that I needed to take a double dose of the anti-inflammatory meds, which meant that I had to eat. I had a challah roll and two yoghurts. I always assume that no matter how well I did the rest of the day, when I eat bread after 9:00pm then the following morning’s weight will not be a good one. I was worried that my weight would be above that dreadful number for a second day in a row. Fortunately, it was not. I might not be breathing easy about that if I cannot keep myself on the right track going forward.

    Tomorrow is going to be an incredible day for me, but it is going to start very early. I am picking my buddy up at the airport at 5:15am, which means that my alarm is set for 4:00am. I have to shower and shave, and I have to be dressed in a suit and tie for the morning. It is exciting… and nerve wracking. I won’t go into detail, but tomorrow should be a day that I will not soon forget. There will be a celebration in my honour after all is said and done, and I just have to remember to keep my eating in check.

    I have an appointment with my doctor in a little while. It is for a yearly checkup, which means that she will have checked my blood and EKG results from last week. I am not worried about anything, but I do want to discuss my knee with her. I am hoping that it is just a flareup of gout, but we will see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 925

    I was able to follow my plan yesterday, so when I hopped onto the bathroom scale this morning, I was relieved that my weight dropped to almost Wednesday’s number. I am still above the horrible 295 lbs. mark, but closer to it today than to 300 lbs. (which I was closer to yesterday).

    My knee has been in absolute agony since Wednesday. As there was no obvious reason for it, I suspected it was a gout attack. I have suffered from gout (as did my father before me) for years, and it is truly painful. I did not write about it these last couple of days because my mind was elsewhere, but there was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. I decided yesterday, after speaking with a buddy who suffers from the same affliction (and is on the same meds as I am) that I would see a doctor about it today. I took the opportunity to get my bloodwork done so that it would be done before my yearly checkup next week. The doctor told me that it might be gout, but if I am on the preventive meds as I am then it could either be that (which means I would need to adjust my dosage), or it could be another inflammation (such as arthritis). Either way, the same anti-inflammatory would alleviate the pain, and my bloodwork would determine if it was gout or something else. I am hopeful that by the end of the day (and after a couple of doses of the new meds) that the pain will subside. It has not only prevented me from being able to walk too far, but it also keeps me awake at night.

    Because I was going to the clinic, I did not eat breakfast until I was home. I ate late, which means I will eat my lunch late as well. In the evening I will, once again, only have a meal replacement. I am hopeful that I can drop to below 290 lbs. in the next week so that I can be below that number for my Lodge meeting next Saturday. I am hopeful!

    I want to shout out quickly to the friends and readers who have reached out to me these last few days to see if I am okay. I have been going through a lot of challenges, but I will persevere. Yes, they have caused me to put my weight loss onto the back burner. Yes, they have at times, been overwhelming. No, I do not plan to go back onto the antidepressants that I stopped taking in June. I believe strongly in psychology and those meds are hugely important for helping mental illness. I do not think that my situation is chemical, rather situational. I have to be stronger, and the meds will not change the way the world is. If I am not willing to turn to whisky to make things better, I do not feel that I should be turning to meds either. I want to be clear that this is a personal decision that is best for me and is not advice I would give to anyone else. If you are feeling overwhelmed, then you should speak to your doctor for the proper advice. Do not be ashamed if you need meds.

    I have some work to do, so I am going to close here and go make lunch so that I will then be able to continue my day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 872

    I have not gained seven pounds in the last ten days because I completely fell off the wagon. It has been a combination of many factors that include stress, long work days with no ability to exercise, constipation, not drinking enough water, and yes… eating more than I should. I took a break from the program for the past week because my energy levels were completely tapped, and I needed to be able to get through very long work days successfully. Now is the question of starting back on it. I had a Lodge event on Saturday that had a lot of food involvement, and it would have been difficult for me to stick to the program. At the event I spoke with my mentor (who is on the same program as I am) and he recommended that I hold off resuming the program until Tuesday, knowing that I am getting promoted Monday night. As such, that is my plan. I am hoping that I can succeed.

    I did not blog Saturday or Sunday, but neither was because I was gorging myself. I had a lot of things going on, and it slipped my mind. I am glad to be back at it this morning, and will try to continue to use it as a tool to remember to stay true to the program starting tomorrow. I did get back on the treadmill yesterday to exercise for the first time since last Saturday, and while I was worn out after 2km jogging and 2km walking, I felt better for having done it. I will resume my cadence of daily workouts, but I will not push myself quite so hard the first week of my program.

    I have a doctor’s appointment at noon today. I have to discuss my medications with her, as well as a couple of other things. I also suspect that I am due for a complete physical, but I will ask her about that.

    When I am home from that appointment I will have lunch, then I will hit the treadmill for an hour. I will shower then I will do some work before heading to the Lodge. My promotion is actually being held at another lodge, which means that this evening will also be my first ever visit to another lodge. At least twenty of my Lodge brethren have reached out to tell me they will be there to support me, which is really heartwarming. Of course, there are two of us from our lodge who are doing it together, so there’s twice the reason to come out to support us!

    It is a cloudy day and a bit chilly for the second week of June, but at least it is not cold, rainy, or wintery. I’ll take it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 678

    The simple rule of thumb is that the day after I order a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with a side of fries I will not lose weight. The fact that I did not gain weight is a triumph.

    I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but that did not last. My eyes popped open a little before midnight, and I could not get back to sleep. Too many stresses going through my head. I finally got back to sleep around 1:30am but slept fitfully. I was waking up early to drive my buddy to the airport. It was great to have him here for a couple of days… I have not been having an easy time of things, and having a friend really helped. Now I will be getting back to my regular routine. If the weather warms up a little, I might even try to get out for a walk tomorrow.

    I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my ultrasound. I am hoping they tell me that the scan is clear, but as I mentioned last week, I strongly suspect they will tell me I have a hernia. Sigh. There is no use worrying about it; they will do the scan and then my doctor will tell me if I need surgery or not.

    I have not been eating too well these past couple of days, but I will get back on track today. I had my normal omelette for breakfast and will have chicken for lunch. I will most likely have fish for dinner, although that is not set in stone. I have to do some shopping today because the cupboards are nearly bare.

    Speaking of which, I suppose I should head out. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 671

    I do not know if I am having a harder time today than I have the last few; I do know that the emotional pain and anxiety are crippling today. I am not sure if part of that is because when I took Her Floofness for her walk we met up with her friend Angus… a corgi. The lot of us then met up with Molly. Their mommies are very nice ladies and chatty and sociable, and we did our full walk for about half an hour and all that time I pretended that everything was okay when everything really is not. Looking at Angus… it is just painful inside.

    While I was speaking with the doctor yesterday, I told her what was going on and she asked me a lot of questions trying to determine if I might be in a state of mind to do harm to myself or to others. I assured her that my religion precluded me from self-harm; my religion and my desire to be a good person preclude me from harming others. I have no interest in hurting anyone. I do not want to hurt myself either. The fact that I do not know how I can carry on does not change the fact that I do not plan to end it all. No, that is not how I am going to go. As bad as things are, I am hoping that I will come out of this into something better. That might take a long time, but it will get better.

    I had mentioned that my weight was up significantly yesterday from the previous day. Fortunately, that righted itself this morning; according to the bathroom scale I weigh the same today as I did Monday. I hope to do better today so that tomorrow morning that number goes down again. I know, hope is not a strategy. I will work to make sure that is the case.

    It has been five months since my housecleaner has been here, and she is coming over this afternoon. While the apartment is not a complete pigsty, I am looking forward to having her mop the floors and do a bunch of other things that I normally forget to do. I did not book her in anticipation of my buddy coming into town next week, it only worked out as a happy coincidence. There is so little happy in my life these days so I will take what I can get.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 670

    I fell off a bit last night, so I am not surprised that I did not lose weight this morning. I am also not surprised that my weight is slightly up from my last official weigh-in. If I can get my emotions back in check then I might be able to get back on track and start losing weight again. The doctor gave me a referral for an ultrasound for my possible (I suppose it is now probable) hernia. Fun… that will be next Thursday.

    I got some studying done yesterday, although not as much as I would have liked. I will keep at it today. I will also try to not fall off again today.

    To be fair, my ‘falling off’ yesterday was just in quantity and in timing. I had my regular breakfast, in the mid-afternoon I had the same chicken as I usually do, and then around 9:30pm I was extremely hungry. I made a salmon salad and some eggs. I should not be eating that late, but it could have been worse. I will try to make today better.