Losing a part of me

I will start with the here and now… my usual daily update. As I said that I would, I did go out for a long walk yesterday. I power-walked 8.4km in the 28° sun, even though my initial plan had been to do 6-7km. I do not follow a route I had taken before, and when I crossed over the highway to start heading back I realized that there was no service road – let alone a sidewalk of any kind – on the other side of the highway. I had to go through residential streets that were unfamiliar to me, and somewhat winding. I would also have to contend with finding a level crossing of the railroad tracks, not to mention an underpass that would get be back onto the friendly side of the aforementioned highway. I was proud of my accomplishment though, even though I did need to stop to rest for a minute once along the way.

It was that accomplishment that I felt gave me leave to enjoy the movie theatre popcorn that I shared with my wife. In the future though I think we should share the medium size and not the large. Had I thought of this at the time I suspect my weight would have been down more than it was – a mere .2 lb. from yesterday morning. At least I did register one food-related accomplishment… we went for peri-peri chicken for dinner, and for the first time in I don’t know how long I ordered the quarter breast meal instead of the half chicken. I need to start eating less… even when the foods are healthy, I need to control my portions.

As we sat on the patio smoking and talking last night Leslie did something extremely meaningful and helpful. She asked me what my plans for succeeding on this weight loss journey were. I told her, and it led to a good conversation.

1. Yes, I need to eat less. I have to control my portions. There is no question that this is going to be important.
2. I need to stop buying any foods that are bad for me. She pointed out that when she reads in these pages that I ate a mango, for example, the mango is full of sugar and however otherwise healthy it may be, the high sugar content is bad for weight loss.
3. She asked what my plans for activity are, citing that in the winter months I can get lazy. I told her that when I get back to Canada, I am clearing everything off my treadmill and will be using it regularly throughout the winter months. I acknowledged that while I do walk HRF Princess Sophie twice daily for nearly 4km total, that is all at her pace, and is not really exercise. I will me making sure to use the treadmill and it is easy because I can just put something to watch on the TV and go for an hour. On days that I am teaching I need to do it in the evening, and when I am not teaching I can do it during the day… but I need to do it.
4. I need to be accountable to myself. When I have a bad food day, I need to enumerate in these pages not just ‘I had a bad day’ but rather how… and why. If I am to ask her to hold me accountable then the only way she knows when I am going off is from my journal, and if I write out ‘I was bad today… this is the list of what I ate’ then not only does it help her to help me, but it will help me to help myself.

In addition to all of this, I need to write when I have a massive failure. Over the past few weeks, I have been wearing my dress pants when I need to wear long pants because they are the only ones that fit me. I ordered two pair of slacks from Amazon that arrived Monday… and they were a size 40. FORTY! It was such a huge accomplishment when I was able to fit comfortably into a size 36 in some fits, and now I am back into a size 40. I am disgusted with myself over this, and need to reverse that. I need to get back into the smaller sizes again. I recognize that it will take time, but I need to do it.

(I also needed to order a new belt Monday morning when I was securing the one that I had brought with me, and it broke. This was more because when I wear looser pants (such as my dress pants) I need to pull it tighter to hold them up, and I have more belly pushing back against it. I had known for a few weeks that it was on its last legs, and it was folly of me to not bring another one with me. Oops!)

The Size 40 is bad… but the fact that my suits are tight, and that I can only wear one of my sports jackets is worse. How I have not discussed in these pages that so many of my nice clothes (which I was so happy to call a non-scale victory at the time) no longer fit because they are too tight… I was just so embarrassed by my failure. I am ashamed to be where I am.

I have never been one of those people who needs to put a positive spin on everything. I do not need anyone blowing smoke up my rear. When I screw up, I need to acknowledge that I screwed up. That is what will encourage me to un-screw whatever was screwed. That is why I am writing all of this. I need to get out of the Size 40 and into the custom-tailored clothes that I was so proud of. I need to be wearing my pants around my belly button and not around my hips with my belly hanging over them. I need to know that if I put on a shirt that does not fit, it is because it is too big, and not too tight.

If this new attempt works, then I have Leslie’s pointing it out to thank for it. I will do the work, but I am so happy that she is not coddling me about it. That is what people who love you need to do some times.

For the record, if you are a friend who is also a reader and you think this gives you leave to start talking to me about my needing to lose weight, let me stop you there. I am happy to take it from my wife. That’s where it ends.

As for this being where it begins, I am going to try to record another 24km of walking between now and the time I return to Canada. That is four walks of 6km each… or three walks of 8km each.

Have a great day folks!