Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 417

    The correction continues! After the initial gain Friday morning of 2.2 lbs., I am once again down .4 lb. this morning, the same as yesterday morning. I am quite content with that. I jogged yesterday, but I also ate a quite a bit, including a very tasty roll (brought from Canada) with our lunchtime (non)chicken burgers, and also some of the chips that the Mexican restaurant brought to our table last night. I tempered both of these though. While I was always going to eat two patties for lunch, when Leslie asked me I told her I would only have one roll for both of them. While eating the chips with salsa, after a few (maybe twenty chips but probably fewer) I said no more… and I did not take a single other chip. That second one is a huge victory for me, considering the last time I cheated was in a very similar situation, with very similar (though inferior) nacho chips. We came home and enjoyed a couple of cigars on the balcony, which was also always in the plan.

    In the morning, after Leslie successfully talked me out of going out to eat, we did pick up our café lattés from Starbucks to enjoy with our first cigar of the day. We have a cigar that just pairs perfectly with the drink, and while it is too soft for an evening cigar (for our tastes) it is a perfect breakfast cigar. I know that the latté is not strictly a good choice, but I am in Dallas with my wife, and I want to share things with her… like this. We have some traditions that we are starting that I hope that we can continue long beyond the time when we are only visiting with each other. A weekend morning on the balcony with a good coffee and a delicious cigar is one of them.

    Thinking I had to earn that running badge from Garmin, I set out for a jog after lunch. The weather here has been strange, and while we were sitting on the balcony with jackets on at 10:30am, at 2:30pm it was hot. I was determined to earn that badge, so even after 3km (at which point it was 85° without a cloud in the sky) I left the jogging activity tracking… even though I switched to a brisk walk. I finished out with 3km jogging and 4.5km walking, a very respectable outing by any means. Of course, it was not until I got home that I realized that the challenge is for next weekend. Grrr. No matter, I got out and I stayed active. I plan to do the same thing every day this week… and I am relieved in that regard that yesterday was an anomaly… the forecast high for today is 66°, and with two exceptions, the long-range forecast does not show it going above 60° for the rest of my trip.

    This evening Leslie and I are having dim sum for dinner, which will be a special treat. In anticipation of that, after our coffee and cigar we are going to a mall where we have a couple of things we actually need to buy, but we are also going to do a lot of walking together. It will be a nice Sunday activity.

    I will mention that I am definitely sleeping better these last few nights than the previous few weeks. I have not taken melatonin or anything else, I am simply sleeping with my wife in my arms, which makes everything better. This morning we both opened our eyes around the same time, and when I asked her what time it was she gasped – it was 10:20am! It took us a few seconds to realize that the clocks had sprung forward for Daylight Savings Time. That does not change the fact that we both got more than ten hours of sleep last night. I cannot remember the last time I was able to do that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 416

    Yesterday’s jog was definitely solid, with several personal bests including fastest kilometre. I thought I had to have best pace overall, but it seems like last Monday’s 3km jog was faster. Oh well, no big deal. I am still happy to have done the 5km. There is a caveat to that: I stopped at the 3km mark, but not because I was tired or winded. I received an important phone call that I needed to stop and take. It was an 8-minute call, and I paused my devices, rather than stopping them. I truly felt that had I not stopped I would have been able to continue on. I will try again today or Sunday.

    Jogging

    · Distance: 5 km (3 km)

    · Duration: 39:40 (23:08)

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 7m55s (7m42s)

    · Steps: 6,200 (3,600)

    · Calories burned: 596

    · Elevation gain: 13.99m

    · pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 157 (156)

    Walking

    · Distance: 3 km

    · Duration: 31:43

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 10m34s

    · Steps: 3,700

    · Calories burned: 351

    · Elevation gain: 40m

    · Average cadence (steps per minute): 117

    I feel silly… there is a Garmin Challenge (on my fitness watch app) that awards a badge for a 5km run this weekend. Yesterday’s run would have earned it, except for some reason I did not restart the run on my watch when I resumed. By the time I realized it I had lost nearly 7/10ths of a kilometre. Of course, the badge is meaningless… except it is another badge that reminds me of the amazing progress I have been making. I have a few friends that I am in challenges with, but this one is a self-challenge. I need never win a race against anyone else… I just need to beat myself… specifically, my old self. I want to be better today than I was yesterday; I want the me of next week to make the me of today look fat and slow. The collection of badges in an app are meaningless but they encourage me to get out and push myself just a little bit farther and harder than I might have otherwise. Knowing that it is available, I will get out tomorrow (or Sunday) and I will push myself to the 5km mark… or who knows, maybe past it!

    My modified program yesterday, combined with a lot of exercise, resulted in the expected slight drop in my weight this morning. I am down nearly half a pound from yesterday, which is exactly where I was hoping to be. This week I am not going to worry about the little things… minor improvements will be welcomed, and I am not going to get upset about not losing more.

    As we lay in bed this morning, Leslie once again showed herself to be a huge support for my weight loss. I offered to take her out for breakfast. She was softly pushing back, reminding me that it might not be a good idea. When I told her that I have proven before that I can eat a healthy breakfast out, she pushed back a little firmer, reminding me that we will be eating dinner out for sure, and possibly lunch. She was not forcing me, but she did everything to encourage me to make the right decision, which I finally did. In the end, I enjoyed my meal replacement shake for breakfast. In an hour or so I am going to go to Starbucks to pick up café lattés for us. This alone will be an indulgence for me, but it will not be anywhere near the indulgence that any restaurant breakfast might have been. I already had my airport breakfast this week, and I will be having plenty of other meals out while I am in Dallas. I set my goals for this trip over a week ago, or rather, my plans for how to achieve those goals. Restaurant breakfasts were never part of that plan. I have done so well sticking to my plans so far; this morning I have my wife to thank for keeping me on track.

    Last night we shared a challah roll to welcome in the Sabbath. It was delicious! For dinner I prepared a chopped salad with a little sesame oil and balsamic vinegar to accompany the main dish of chicken breasts breaded with Corn Flakes breadcrumbs. It was all quite delicious, and very healthy. This, after a lunch from Salad and Go. Overall, while I did not stick as religiously to my plan as I could have, I will put the day in the ‘success’ column.

    Speaking of columns, I am losing ground on my comparative chart to 2020. I am still half a pound ahead of the pace, but that is down from just a few days ago. Looking ahead, for the next seven days I fluctuated in a three-pound range just above 270 lbs. and would not finally drop below that number for another two weeks. If my weight stays where it is for the rest of my trip, I will still be well on my way to beating the pace from that year. This is not going to be my primary focus, but I do like to keep track of this.

    Have a great day folks… it is time for me to spend the day with my beautiful wife!

  • Day 415

    Sorry… not sorry. I was completely expecting to be two pounds heavier this morning than I was yesterday morning and I was. My weight has snuck back above 270 lbs., but that will be a short-term thing. I had a fabulous evening with my wife, I indulged in sushi goodness, and then we had a fabulous cigar on the balcony. All is well in the world.

    Leslie keeps calling me tiny. I love when I catch her looking at me in continued disbelief at my weight loss. It makes me happy to see the look on her face. I am so happy with her and being with her makes my life better.

    Leslie has to go into work for a couple of hours. I have a meeting at 11:30am, after which I will go for a jog. I am not sure how far I will be able to go before I stop and continue walking, but I am going to shoot for better than the usual 3km that I have been doing on a pretty regular basis. The weather will be much more amenable to it – I do not have to wear layers and layers – so maybe that will help. It would be wonderful if I could do 5km, but whatever I do, it will be better than staying home reading a book and smoking on the balcony. Please allow me to rephrase: It will be better for my weight loss journey if… because for just pure enjoyment, that other option sounds pretty good too!

    I will have a salad for lunch, and I will go shopping this afternoon for chicken breasts, which I will coat with breadcrumbs and prepare in the air fryer. Maybe I will get some cauliflower to prepare as a side dish. We’ll see what strikes my fancy as I peruse the aisles. It is also erev Shabbat, which means that Leslie and I will light the candles… and I brought challah rolls for the occasion. I will not go overboard, but I am excited to welcome the Sabbath in as it is meant to be welcomed in.

    My plans for today are to be better than yesterday, which is an easy goal. I started the day with a shower and felt refreshed, even though I had a bit of a headache (after sleeping much later than I even expected to). I made a meal replacement shake and a cup of coffee. As for the rest of the day, I listed my intentions in the previous paragraph. There are temptations abound but there are also really good reasons to not succumb to them. The way my wife looks at me seeing how well I am doing, and how strong I have been these last couple of months… how could a few snacks ever compare to that? I will stay mindful and I will get back on track. Yes, this morning my weight was up slightly over two pounds; on my last visit in January that was exactly where I was the day after I landed, and I ended up losing 3.2 lbs. that trip… and more if you consider the trip home! All this to say that I am not worried about today’s weight gain blip. I will get back on track starting now and will be able to continue to hit my short-term goals. Right now, two of those are real huge milestones: a) Hit my best weight from 2020 (260.4 lbs.); b) Drop below 260 lbs. c) Drop below my best adult weight ever (255 lbs.). If I can achieve that last one by the middle of April, I will have a very quiet and personal celebration. By the way, if it takes until May 1, then what can you do.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 414

    Welcome to Dallas! After three restful hours of sleep, I kicked out of bed at 2:05am to get ready so that fifty minutes later I would alight the back seat of an Uber to take me to the airport. It had not occurred to me that March Break is starting, and that the airport would be a madhouse. No matter, I got through – despite much longer lines than usual at every step – and was safely ensconced in a restaurant in Terminal 3 ordering breakfast at 5:05am. This was my first meal of my cheat day, and I ordered a breakfast wrap (which I had to specify no meat) and a cup of coffee. As the only dairy option for the coffee was cream I drank it black; I realized as I drank it that the coffee that I did not like at Starbucks had not been bad, so much as now that I am drinking it without any sugar, and often black, I am just more discriminating. On my way to the gate I did stop at Starbucks where I was able to grab a coffee with oat milk to take onto the airplane; this blend (True North) was much more pleasant than the Pike Place blend that I did not like the other day. It could also be that after the diner coffee it was just that much better in comparison.

    I cheated on the airplane, but I knew well in advance that I would. I bought a bag of salt and vinegar flavoured Pop Chips, as well as a tin of Lays (of the same flavour). I had some of each, but when I had my fill, I threw both of the containers out. I was not sure if I would be doing that but am glad that I did.

    My weight on the bathroom scale was up slightly from yesterday, but that was expected; I usually weigh myself around 8:15am, a full ten or eleven hours after my last meal replacement. At 2:30am I was scarcely five hours past my last shake. Last night I told Leslie that I knew that this morning’s weigh-in would be meaningless. Even so, I still expect tomorrow I will be up a full two pounds from this morning. Today is a real cheat day! Leslie and I are dressing up and going for our sushi indulgence this evening, which is fast becoming a tradition for my first night in town. I will settle down tomorrow and will be much better over the next few days. Yes, I am off the full-fast program, but that does not mean that I plan to let myself go on this trip. I will be having two meal replacements every day, a very reasonable lunch (as I did today with my Thai tofu salad from Salad and Go), and a proper evening meal. I will be planning almost every meal in advance, whether we are cooking at home or eating out. Starting tomorrow I will also be working out every day, whether that be in the gym or out for a jog. My goal for this trip has always been to gain no more than two pounds, and I know that I can do that if I am smart… and ever mindful.

    I am tired today, but that is to be expected. Even after a proper night’s sleep I am always tired from traveling, so with the short sleep and long lines at the airport I would not expect otherwise. Still, I am thrilled to be here. Leslie and I are finally together again, and whatever fatigue I might be experiencing it counterbalanced by the excitement of that. We belong together, and we will make the most of this week.

    Today is the first day in a while that my plan is not to stick to the program, but I am not sorry for it. I have been planning for today and have been so regimented these last few weeks. The key is to not go overboard… and to get back on track tomorrow.

    Leslie was shocked when she put her arms around me today. We were snuggling and she was amazed by how well I have been doing. She saw me a scant five weeks ago and is amazed at the progress since then, to say nothing of how much smaller I feel to her from when I was at my heaviest. While she is not the only reason I am on this journey, she is certainly among the top three reasons. I want to look better for her – she deserves that. She also deserves to have a husband and lover who can… well, do better with less than I could ever do with more. In June I told her that as I lost weight I would be much more into certain activities that I will not discuss here. On my last visit I reminded her of that conversation; she told me she was not sure at the time that she believed me but was pleasantly surprised that I was right. It will just keep getting better babe… I promise!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 413

    I am not sure if the reason I woke up early was really in anticipation of being able to check in for tomorrow morning’s flight at the very first possible minute, but that thought was certainly what occupied my mind as I lay in bed at 5:58am. Within fifteen minutes or so I would abandon all pretext of trying to fall back asleep, and I would start my day.

    I did not check in for my flight at the very first possible minute… but it was certainly completed within the first thirty minutes. An Uber has been reserved to pick me up at the ungodly hour of 0300. I even tried to fill out my CBP for on their new app, but that it seems has to be completed at the airport, so I will do it tomorrow morning. Knowing that I will wake up tomorrow morning alone, but by 10:00am I will be with my wife… you might say that I am excited, yes. If you did not read the monumental understatement in the tone of that statement, then you understand why I so prefer verbal communication. When I am back from my doctor’s appointment (and collecting whatever pharmaceuticals I need to renew) I will pack my suitcase, much of which will be filled with treats for Leslie and her son, but which will also include my blue suit and some other clothes. Before I begin my class this evening, I will pack up Her Floofness for her eleven-day visit with Sue, including her bowls and treats and toys. She gets to start her visit a day early so that I do not need to disturb Sue in the middle of the night. At the end of my class, I will be ready to drop off to sleep for four or five hours, and then the adventure begins!

    I decided to make an exception to my normal routine this morning. Most days that have an early doctor’s appointment, I will not consume anything until I am back. There are several reasons why I decided to have my first cup of coffee before going, not the least of which is that it smells so good. As is so often the case, I brewed the coffee without thinking. Yesterday I bought two different blends of coffee, this one being a mix of Swiss Chocolate Almond and an African bean that smelled too good to resist. One cup will not be the downfall of my weigh-in, will it? I have been saying that I want to register a 3kg loss from two weeks ago, which is possible based on my bathroom scale weigh-in… but it will be close. Maybe I should have skipped the coffee, waiting instead for my triumphant return from the doctor’s office. It’s too late now… maybe if I just change into a pair of shorts and go commando, I could make up for those added grams? Wait, it’s -5° outside… that is probably not a smart idea. I’ll just go with what I got, and I will hope for the best.

    —

    I missed my goal of 3kg by 100g, which means that if I had worn a short-sleeved t-shirt instead of my long-sleeve one I likely would have achieved it. I am moving the goalposts and calling it a victory. I am not going to cry over this one… especially with the memory of last week’s plateau of frustration so fresh in my mind. To lose 2.9kg over a fortnight during which my weight stayed the same for nearly a week? Huge win, thank you!

    The good news from the doctor is that I do not have arthritis in my knee. It is more likely tendonitis, but we need more imaging to confirm that. Sometime in the next couple of weeks, the imaging centre will call me to book an appointment. They asked if it needed to be rushed, but I assured them that it did not. The doc asked about my jogging, and I told him that I am still at it. He advised me to let pain be my guide. I can live with that advice. He told me there is no degradation of the knee, so I am okay… as long as I am okay.

    We decided to change the dosage of my ADHD medication, so following the appointment, I went to the pharmacy to drop off my new prescription. Sometime later today I will walk over there to pick it up. I will not be jogging today, but the pharmacy is just over a kilometre from here and will be a reasonable walk. I might continue along my path to make it a longer walk… but I will not be suiting up for a jog. Not only did I tell Leslie that I would not do that today, but I also do not want to have to do any more laundry before my trip.

    It is a beautiful day outside despite the cold. The forecast high is 2° which is not exactly beach weather, but it will be nice enough to put on my ski jacket and walk to the pharmacy… and probably the six-kilometre path around the block. When I come in, I will pack my carry-on bag, and then my suitcase. I have been chomping at the bit to do that for a few days now, and today is the day I finally get to do it.

    My plan for the day is to stay on track with my full-fast program (the last day for the next ten days that I will do that); I will go for my walk, stopping in at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I will pack my stuff and will prepare Princess Sophie for her trip to Susan’s. I will teach my class this evening, and then I will try to get a few hours of sleep before my 2:15am alarm to prepare before the Uber arrives at 3am. If it is not too windy, I might have a cigar in the afternoon… we will see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 412

    I continued my streak yesterday, running for three kilometres and then walking six. My jogging pace is picking up a little bit which is good. I am looking forward to seeing how well I will be able to do when the roads and sidewalks are all dry, and I can wear my nicer running shoes.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3 km (3.04km)
    • Duration: 23:08 (24:51)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 7m42s (8m10s)
    • Steps: 3,600 (3,800)
    • Calories burned: 355*
    • Elevation gain: 0 (29m) *
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 156 (154)

    * I suspect there was an issue with my devices, as I am reasonably sure that the walk was not completely flat… and jogging the same distance as I did Sunday, it is unlikely that I burned less than half the calories.

    Walking

    • Distance: 6.05 km
    • Duration: 1:06:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m56s
    • Steps: 7,500
    • Calories burned: 689
    • Elevation gain: 37m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 112

    I am not sure why it is that a couple of hours after I came in, I started feeling nauseous and light-headed. It might have to do with the weather, or I might just be pushing myself a bit. The fact that my apps are telling me that I am burning more calories per day than I am consuming is not necessarily a bad thing… but yesterday I set out a little after noon, and unlike all of my previous outings I decided to wait until I got back home before drinking my second meal replacement. That might have been ill-advised. I will make sure, going forward, that I am not straddling the line of when I should be eating… I will make sure to set out after having one.

    The result of my not feeling well was that I lay down for a nap. Knowing I had to be awake to teach my class, I set an alarm. I felt a little better in time for class, but by the end of it I was ready to get back into bed. I will be keeping an eye on my body these next two days… There is no way that I am going to push myself so hard that I fly to Dallas under the weather. We will see how I am feeling tomorrow, but I know that I have an appointment in the middle of the day, and that might get in the way of when I would usually want to head out. If I have to put the brakes on jogging for a couple of days, then I will… if I have to.

    My weight was up this morning, but only by .2 lb. It is frustrating when you do everything right for so long, and then you see the regression… but I know that over the last four days I lost nearly four pounds, and it is not unreasonable for there to be that slight adjustment. I will live with it. I got a frantic text from my weight loss buddy this morning who was upset that on the four-month anniversary of her surgery, she found herself up .7 lb., which she was quite distraught over. I called her and reminded her that she is not .7 lb. up from four months ago, only from yesterday… and she is really severely slimmer (and lighter) than she was four months ago. I reminded her of the importance of the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph. This calmed her down significantly; she thanked me for calling and told me that she needed to hear that. She also told me about two encounters over the past few days where people have commented on how fabulous she looks. In one of those encounters she blew it off and attributed it to her new haircut and outfit, but the other was an old friend and she brought her into the circle of people who know. She knows that I advise people to keep that circle as small as possible; it is nobody’s business a) That she is losing weight, b) How she is losing weight, and c) How much weight she has lost. She agrees, but this was an old friend that she trusts.

    I realized this morning that I was out of my gourmet coffee, and I had to grind some of my Cuban coffee to make the pot. I will definitely go shopping today. It is not that I do not like the Cuban coffee, but it is not quite as tasty as what I usually make for myself. I only have one more whole pot of coffee to make before I fly to Dallas, but I should have it in the house for when I get back to Canada. I have a number of other errands to run today, and while I would usually go to a particular supermarket to pick up the coffee that I really like, there are a few things I need to pick up at Fortino’s (including my shoes, but also certain treats that I will be bringing to Dallas to surprise my wife), so I will just get coffee there… despite their having discontinued the particular blend that I used to favour. I will do that before my therapy appointment, which for the first time will be in-person. Until now our sessions have all been on the phone, but due to my being unavailable for our usual Thursday session, she had this appointment available. It will force me to get out of the house, which will, in turn, force (or at least encourage) me to go to pick up my shoes, along with the treats and the coffee. While I am out, I might also pop up to Milton to see Ryan, who has been encouraging me to change my windshield wipers at his shop. If I had computer advice for him, I would expect him to follow it. He knows cars and especially windshields (which is his business), so I have been planning to do that since he told me to… but my schedule has not allowed for it. This afternoon I can do it.

    Sometimes the universe puts things in place that just make sense. For the first time in several days, the sun is out but temperatures are -4°, and the wind is blowing cold… and picking up significantly in the afternoon. Today would not be a good day to be jogging, or at least it would be quite uncomfortable. I could easily plan to go to the gym for a couple of hours, but I have really been pushing myself these last few days so if I do, I will take it easy. Maybe a few weight machines, twenty minutes on the treadmill, and then a hydro massage followed by a good shvitz. I probably will not do any of that, but I will also not be suiting up for a jog outside… which I enjoy so much more than the gym. I suspect that my next several workouts – outdoors or otherwise – will take place in Dallas. Leslie and I talked about going to the gym in her apartment complex together, which sounds like a wonderful activity that we can share.

    I suppose, looking at it, I have quite a few items on my calendar for today, even though it looks bare. I have my therapist at 1:30pm, but I also have to run several errands. All of that will keep me busy, which is not a bad thing. I much prefer being busy than not being busy. I might try to do some studying today, but I might also just relax with my book. I downloaded a book onto my e-reader before I flew to Dallas last time, and I had not picked it up in several weeks until just a few nights ago. It is a crime drama from before the time when cops had cellular phones, and aside from the pure kitschy predictability of their stereotypical behaviour (bad-ass LAPD cop on the outs with his chain of command is paired up with the female FBI agent for a case that nobody thinks is a real case, and not only do they find evidence but they also end up sleeping together), it is funny when he says something like, ‘My pager started beeping, so I pulled off the road alongside the first payphone I saw.’ Kids today would not believe how different the world they know is from the one I grew up in. Still and all, it takes place in Los Angeles, and it is interesting to see how different my reading of that city is now that I have lived there. I wonder what it would be like to go back and read the Decker/Lazarus novels that I read for so many years, never having known where the Foothills, or Van Nuys or Tarzana or any of the other geographic references that they made were. All this to say that it would be nice to sit on the couch with my book and take just one day away from my cybersecurity and networking studies and teaching. I make no delusions that I might sit outside with a cigar though… the winds were unpleasant this morning and they are forecast to get worse as the day progresses.

    Until I started on the full-fast program, and not even at first, but really since I returned from Dallas just five weeks ago and resumed it, the predictability of my body schedule has gone out the window. For years I have reliably sat on the throne in the morning and produced. I have alternately referred to my morning routine and morning ritual, which has always meant heading to the washroom, taking my pills, brushing my teeth, and sitting on the throne (often for longer than necessary while checking e-mail, Facebook, and whatever else). I would then shower, shave, and then walk to the bedroom to weigh myself on the (no longer appropriately named) bathroom scale before getting dressed, and then taking HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk. Over these last few weeks, including today, I have sat unproductive on the toilet for long enough to realize that nothing was coming, and then I would continue with the routine. Were this something I kept an active record of, I would be able to count on one hand (maybe two) the number of times over the past two years that I have had not had a successful bowel movement, or when I have had one after 9:00am. That is, until this past month. It really has been weird, but I have to accept that my body is changing in so many ways… most of them positive, but I did like the predictability.

    Speaking of changes, I noticed something today that is hard to describe but impossible to miss. Looking at my naked body in the mirror, the shape of my stomach has changed. On the sides there are these massive… indents? I don’t know how to describe them… but I do know that there was a time not too long ago that my belly extended from one side of my body to the other. Now it seems to be pushed in on the sides… except that is not right, because if it was pushed in, then it would extend out further. Imagine taking a balloon in your hands and squeezing it. The volume of the balloon does not change, only the distribution of it, right? That is not what is happening with my belly. It is pushed in on the side, but it is not pushing out. That has to be a huge non-scale victory, as well as an indicator of a couple of things: the first is that I am absolutely losing weight at a tremendous rate… and really, I have now lost over 125 pounds, so there is no denying that. The second is that I am beginning to see the sagging skin that I wrote about last week. When all this is over I will need to have surgery to have excess skin removed, or else I will look like… what? I don’t know, but I cannot imagine going through the rest of my life with all of that excess skin hanging down. I know! I would look like a child wearing an adult costume… or more accurately, a slim man wearing a fat man’s suit. Only, the suit would be made of skin and not wool or silk. There will be more than one consequence to my years of obesity. One of the prices I will pay for that, and for no longer being that, is that I will have to go under the knife to have that excess skin removed. Once I do that, I cannot imagine I would ever want to gain weight again. The thought of it just disgusts me.

    A couple of days ago Leslie mentioned that she did not like the idea of my having weight loss surgery, be it Roux-en-Y, or any of the other options… but that she would support me if I felt I needed it. I told her that I do not want that… but I appreciate her willingness to support me. I also told her that when I am there, I will explain to her why I do not want to have the surgery, which is not a fear of going under the knife, but much more than that… and more than I want to explain over a video chat or by text. I have given a lot of thought to it, especially since I was originally scheduled to have it in 2015 and was ultimately rejected from the program for reasons I will explain to her in person. I had not given it much thought of late, until October, when my diet buddy told me that she was going to do it. I do not know how much of it I have ever really discussed with anyone, so I am glad that I have had a few days to think about how to explain myself to Leslie. She is, after all, my wife. She is the one person from whom I do not want to keep any secrets, much less my thinking on weight loss, of which she has been so supportive over the past thirteen months.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. I am getting up to head to the airport in 42-hours, and this is just not the time to fall off the program. Thursday evening Leslie and I will get dressed up and we will go out for our sushi dinner, and I will have my first meal since the great nachos and salsa incident. If I can wait until then, I can enjoy that meal without guilt, indulging in the deliciously prepared raw fish on rice. If I were to break down now, then there would be little special about the meal itself, although being with Leslie would be enough special to make up for it. No, I should be sharing my first meal in nearly a month with her, and not on any tempting cheats that might present themselves between now and then. Stay on track, stay mindful, stay focused; if I do that, it is entirely possible that when I arrive in Dallas, I will weigh a full twenty pounds less than when I left.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 411

    I wrote yesterday morning that I was ‘…on the fence between going out for a jog for the next hour or getting back into bed for that hour.’ I decided to suit up and head out. I knew stepping out the door that I was not going to try for another 11km+ foray, but I figured that if I wanted to try to minimize the possibility of this morning’s weigh-in being up from yesterday’s, there was a better chance if I got at least some exercise in before the drive to Cambridge. I did set a couple of personal bests, but that was not the point of the outing.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3.04km (6.3 km)
    • Duration: 24:51 (51:52)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m10s (8.14s)
    • Steps: 3,800 (7,900)
    • Calories burned: 800
    • Elevation gain: 29m (84m)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (153)

    Walking

    • Distance: 4 km
    • Duration: 42:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m32s
    • Steps: 4,900
    • Calories burned: 526
    • Elevation gain: 12m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116

    It was nice to get out, especially knowing that it is the second day in a row that I was able to do it. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it again today. The weather will not be as nice as today, but we will see. When I took Her Floofness out, she did not want to go beyond the front lawn, where she did her business, and then politely but adamantly insisted we go back into the building. In a few weeks we will be beyond the cold and snow and salt on the pavement, and dogs will be happier because those signs of winter hurt their paws. As for myself, I would like to get out for another jog… even if it is a short one.

    I wrote yesterday as well that I was fully expecting that after the tremendous drop from the previous day that my weight would either stay the same, or more likely it would sneak up a couple of ounces. In fact, it dropped .4 lb. which might be my body trying to make things right for the frustrating plateau that was last week… or it could be reminding me that sticking to the program, as well as getting out and exercising, are the combination that will lead to my ultimate success.

    As planned, Princess Sophie and I spent the afternoon with our friends in Cambridge, which was really nice. I see one of them a lot more often, but a couple of them I had not seen since December. It was great to catch up with them… even though a lot of the time we just spend watching TV and talking about nothing in particular. Even though they (they are a couple) got engaged since the last time we caught up, beyond a quick ‘congratulations!’ to them, most of the talk was about pets and stuff.

    I am chomping at the bit to start packing my suitcase. We talk about ‘counting down the hours…’ well in sixty-six hours I will be getting into an Uber that will take me to the airport. I might get five hours of sleep, but likely will not because of the excitement and anticipation… and because I have to teach until 9:30 Wednesday evening. I am holding back because every Israeli is taught that you never pack a suitcase and leave it unattended. I do not care how secure my apartment might be… but I might just take my suit and a few shirts and put them into a garment bag

    I woke up this morning and lay in bed for a few minutes before getting up. It was only when I moved to kick out that I realized that my leg muscles – particularly my quadriceps – are really feeling the effects of my jogging. While some might call it pain, I realized as I lay there analyzing it that it is not actually that… it is just a bit of an ache that is reminding me that I need to stretch before heading out. I know, I should not be neglecting that. As a martial artist I know how important it is, and the fact that I neglect it so often is absolutely on me. I promise I will spend a few minutes stretching before heading out this afternoon. I promise myself!

    I have a few thoughts that I plan to share today in a separate article, so I will sign off now. The plan for today: 1) Stay on track with the program. 2) Try to get out for a jog. 3) Do some studying for my next exam. 4) Stay focused and stay mindful!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 410

    I had not expected to set out on a jog yesterday afternoon, but it was sunny and comparatively warm, and I had little else on my schedule. It was not that I decided to try to repeat my best outing from a week ago, I just really wanted to get out. Forgetful soul that I can be, I actually set out twice, having gotten a couple hundred steps up Walker’s Line, only to realize I had left my gloves at home. I might not need them… but I likely would.

    I was not going to push myself too hard. I knew that I had it in me, but I do not want to go too hard too fast. When I passed the 3 km mark I stopped running, having achieved several personal bests.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 6.3 km (3.5 km)
    • Duration: 51:52 (29:02)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8.14s (8m17s)
    • Steps: 7,900
    • Calories burned: 800
    • Elevation gain: 84m (27m)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 153 (152)

    Walking

    • Distance: 5.2 km
    • Duration: 54:38
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m34s
    • Steps: 6,273
    • Calories burned: 610
    • Elevation gain: 20m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 115

    I should also point out that these numbers are counting the two jogs together. The first jog shattered my personal bests… 7m44s average pace per kilometre. No matter, I am extremely happy with it. More importantly, all told I was out for nearly two hours and covered 11.5 kilometres. That is a huge win for me. Yes, I was exhausted from it, and in a little bit of pain… but as someone once said, the harder the struggle, the sweeter the victory. I could easily have stayed home and sat on the computer for the afternoon. Instead, I got out there and absolutely killed it on the roads! Yes, I was on the roads for a lot of it… not all of the sidewalks have been plowed yet.

    It means nothing of course, but before I hopped into the shower, I first hopped onto the bathroom scale. I was 1.6 lbs. down from the morning, which would have been much more in line with where I would have hoped I would be when the week began. It had me about half a pound over that 270 lbs. goal for my trip to Dallas on Wednesday. It is this morning’s weigh-in that means something, and my bathroom scale (along with the unstable floors beneath it) were maddeningly frustrating this morning. I stepped onto the scale seven times, getting six different readings. There was only one positive thing I could say about this frustration… all but one of them had me under 270 lbs.! The one exception had me at 270.2, but that was just after getting a reading of 266.4. In the end I accepted the only repeat number, 269.6 lbs. After a maddening week of plateau, I find myself 3.4 lbs. lighter than I was last Sunday. I am back on track… although if the past is any indicator of the future, it is possible and even likely that tomorrow morning my weight will be slightly higher. The frustration is real, but the trend is what matters.

    I should never get on the scale after I weigh myself in the morning. This past week I have done so twice, once weighing 275 lbs. (nearly three pounds more that I had weighed that morning), and once weighing 270.6 lbs. (which was 1.6 lbs. less than I had weighed that morning). As Leslie pointed out recently, when I come in from exercising, I have sweat off a lot of water, so of course the scale will be down. As I have known for most of my adult life, body weight fluctuates throughout the day, and the only way to be sure of an accurate trend is to weigh yourself at the same time every day. I know, yesterday’s post-workout drop turned out to be a preview for what I saw this morning, but it is still not a good idea… it will always be deceptive and can cause a sense of failure.

    I forgot to mention yesterday that I was still losing ground on my comparative chart to 2020. This will continue for a few days because between Day 366 and Day 370 (the corresponding days from yesterday through Thursday) I dropped nearly five pounds… it will be hard to keep up at the rate that I’m going. Of course, if I keep jogging, maybe I will… we’ll see. A week ago, the comparative number had me 6.4 lbs. ahead of the 2020 attempt. Today that number is 3.8 lbs., and unless I drop a pound and a half over the next three days, that number will shrink somewhat. Of course, it is the trend that matters, right? I can see that in 2020 my weight fluctuated a lot on the graph and would not drop below 270 lbs. for the final time until a month later. Even if my weight straddles that line for the next few days, I am on a much better trajectory today than I was 2.5 years ago. Even if I were to gain a couple of ounces tomorrow, and then average a .4 lb. drop per day (less than a 3 lb. drop per week) then I will meet my best weight from 2020 on the 30th of this month… and best it the following day. Whatever day that happens, I will delete that spreadsheet… and I will focus on my next goal: best post-Army weight ever!

    Thinking about it, and there really is no way to know for sure, I am not sure that in this millennium I have weighed less than 255 lbs. I have no recollection of (and probably did not take notice) when my weight first popped above that mark. Aside from my yearly check-ups with the doctor, the first time I weighed myself would have been when I started at Weight Watchers, which would have been in 2003 or 2004. In that time, I know I dropped from somewhere around 295 to (according to an article that I wrote on my blog in 2014) 255 lbs. When I drop below that number it is entirely possible that it will be the first time since Y2K that I am below that. The enormity of that is astounding to me. I have spent nearly a quarter of a century weighing more than I do today. How different would my life be had I not wasted so much time as obese and morbidly obese?

    This morning I weigh 9.2 lbs. more than my best weight from 2020. In that year, between September 3 and October 7 I would register below this morning’s weight 30 days. On October 8 I snuck back above today’s weight for the last time. My goal looking forward is for today’s weight to be the heaviest I will be for the rest of my life… and to be able to say the same about what I will weigh a month from today, and six months from today. I never did like roller coasters, and it is time for me to get off it. This should be my last trip down, and with the knowledge and wisdom that I have gained from so much experience, I hope that I now know what I will need to do to make that a reality.

    Her Floofness and I are heading to Cambridge today to smoke cigars with friends. She likes it there, knows that everyone will dote on her, and might even give her some treats. As for me, I am on the fence between going out for a jog for the next hour or getting back into bed for that hour. I did not sleep very well last night but know that I will be able to make it through the day either way. It would just be nice to not be so tired!

    My goal for today is to smoke my cigars and stay true to the program in the face of myriad temptations that are everywhere at my buddy’s house. I have to look those snacks in the eye (jar, bag, container) and say that my weight loss journey is more satisfying than anything you would do for me. There was a time when I thought of this as a long-term satisfaction, but I now look at it as a short-term goal. Tomorrow morning my weight might be up a couple of ounces, but it would be worse if I succumbed to temptation. I was originally supposed to go yesterday, but my buddy and I decided that today would be a better idea (we were not sure what the roads would look like after the snow). Had I gone yesterday, knowing that I was on that plateau, I might not have been so strong. This morning, with my weight dropping below 270 lbs. for the first time since October 8, 2020, I know my resolve will be much stronger. I will bring a meal replacement shake and my shaker bottle with me… along with a couple of really good cigars to make sure I have the tools that I need to combat the negative desires.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 409

    What a difference a day makes. Yesterday afternoon during my lunch break I sat outside on the balcony smoking a cigar and chatting with my wife. This morning I looked outside and there was nearly a foot of new snow on the ground. What a difference a day makes on the bathroom scale? I would have liked to get down back into best-weight-yet territory, but that was not on the cards for this morning. Yes, I dropped .8 lb. which takes me back to where I was Monday, but that is nearly half a pound from best weight, and nearly two full pounds from dropping below 270 lbs., which I have had as my goal for Thursday. What just a few days ago looked to be an easy lock is now back in the possible, but not certain column. I also want to maintain my pace of losing at least three kilos between doctors’ visits, my next appointment being Wednesday. Today I am down barely 1.5kg from my last appointment. I would say that I just have to redouble my efforts, but really there is nothing left that I can cut out of my diet. I would love to go for a jog, but we got 20cm of fresh snow yesterday evening. I am not sure if I will go out for anything today. We’ll see. Hopefully by tomorrow the roads will be clear and if I cannot jog then at least I will dig my car out and go to the gym.

    I was relieved to be able to move my bowels yesterday afternoon without any pain or discomfort. I am truly glad I started taking the fibre. It was not as productive as my previous attempts this week, but that is partly because it was not several days between tries. This morning I felt like I might but was unsuccessful. Okay, with zero solid foods, that is to be expected.

    My daytime class ended yesterday, and the student evaluations were perfect for the instructor category, which is always nice to see. If nothing else, it ensures that the training company will be eager to continue hiring me. Strong evaluations are the currency that keep trainers like me in business. When they are happy with me then I can continue to afford the necessities in life… child support, rent, trips to see my beautiful wife, and cigars. Oh… and dog food. I think I might do well to pick up a new bag of that before my flight Thursday. I do not want to leave that responsibility up to Sue, who is so wonderful as it is.

    After initially writing that I was unsuccessful, I took a break from writing to visit the latrine and was extremely successful. Equally important is that it was not painful. I am glad that I am taking the fibre, and that it is helping. I am not sure that it is not a contributing factor to my stalled progress on the weight loss journey, but the painful strain of the bathroom is not something that I want to endure unnecessarily. Also, hopefully I am now back on track. I hope to continue to downward weight trend this week. It would be disappointing only to myself if I were to fly to Dallas without dropping below 270 lbs., but that is a goal that I set, and I would like to achieve it. As of this morning, I weigh 16 lbs. less than I did the day I left Dallas on February 1. If I can edge that up by a couple more pounds, I will be extremely happy. I would have liked for that number to be an even twenty-pound loss in my absence, but though it might seem longer, that is only a five-week period… and that would be a lot.

    With the drop this morning, my BMI once again drops below 35, hopefully for the last time. I am sick and tired of this yoyo between obesity classes. I want to be on the road to overweight, and not straddling this line. Argh!

    My diet buddy is coming over for coffee this morning so I will be able to talk with her about my frustrations. She will definitely understand. This will be our first meeting since early January at which I will not be excited about a tremendous weight drop. I am almost exactly where I was when we met last weekend, and that is frustrating. That is why we have diet buddies… to share the good, but also to support each other through the bad. I do not know if my frustration with a plateau is really a bad, but it is not a good. Oh well.

    My plans for today are to try to stay on track. There is a slight chance that I will drive up to Milton for a cigar, but I do not think that will happen. I will stay close to home and just relax. It was a very long and stressful week, and I could really use the time to decompress. If it is not too windy then this afternoon, I will likely have a cigar on the balcony if I do not drive up to Milton. The important thing is that I stay on track with my program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 408

    It is not often that I actually swear at the bathroom scale, but this morning it could not be helped. I am truly angry that after a successful week of no cheating, of eschewing every temptation, that I could actually gain over a pound this morning. This is now the first week that I weigh the same on Friday as I did on Sunday. Had I cheated… had I gone off the program or taken a piece of something… had I opened one of the bags of snacks that I ordered to take to Dallas with me, then I would be a lot more accepting of this. How in the name of all that is good and right can I fucking weigh the fucking same as I fucking did five fucking days ago? This, after not one but two jogs in that time frame; after adding fibre to my diet (although admittedly it has not helped yet); after a week of religiously sticking to the program to the extent of not even taking an extra cup of tea in the evening? One day to the next I can understand, but over the course of nearly a week I should absolutely be seeing a downward trend. This fucking sucks. I would not be surprised that if you were to count the times I have used that word in this journal, now amounting to 387,000 words, fully half of them were in this paragraph. (Okay, I counted. 12 usages of the word in the previous 407 days, five in this paragraph. Not half, but almost one third!)

    At the end of my class yesterday I took HRF Princess Sophie out for a quick walk; she ran into a friend, and they played for a few minutes. We then went back into the apartment (with the normal inducement of a treat) so that I could grab my shake and go. Knowing that traffic on the highway could be terrible, and on the advice of my GPS system, I opted to take the toll road. It only extends only one exit from where I got on to where I rejoined the traffic leading to the Burlington Skyway, and from the looks of things behind me it might have saved me twenty minutes. Good choice. After circling the block, I decided to park in the hotel’s underground parking lot. I walked into the room with two minutes to spare.

    There are times when you look at how things turn out and you realize that they are a sign from G-d that you are an adult, and you have to be able to do things on your own. When the associate showed me to the fabric samples for jackets and vests, I tried to video chat with Leslie, only to find out that she and her son were huddled in their safe room with dinner, the hamster, and a number of his toys because of the tornado sirens. It was not a good time for her to talk. I was reticent because I really do value her opinion, and I have never been good at looking at a small piece of fabric and visualizing what it would look like as a vest, or sports jacket, or shirt. She had given me guidance on colours for the shirts, and with that, the associate and I looked at several options, and then I finally made my final selections. One sports jacket (blue and grey – darker than the one I got last year, and not quite as loud), one vest (burgundies and greys, which we agreed would go very nicely with both my grey and beige pants), and three shirts (a burgundy with white prints, a very light green with blue and green leaves, and a light – to royal blue). At the last minute I also splurged on a funky fabric for the inside lining of the vest which should match it really well.

    Leslie texted me that the all-clear had sounded as the tailor was taking my measurements, and that she approved of all of the fabrics… well, she was not a huge fan of one of them, but that is still a pretty good average for me. To counter the one she doesn’t love, she went nuts for the light green one. I am pleased with my selections… and what I am paying for the lot. I have a buddy in California who used to be in the industry, and he has no respect for my Hong Kong haberdashery. I get that, but at the same time, I am not prepared to pay Five Thousand Dollars for a suit and hundreds of dollars per shirt…especially knowing that hopefully by my birthday nothing that I ordered will fit properly anymore. While I know there are much higher quality clothes available, I think that what I ordered looks good, and knowing that I am still wearing clothes that I ordered from them six years ago, the quality is damned good as well.

    I do have to wonder about one thing though. This is the second year in a row that I have gone to the tailor and Leslie was unexpectedly unavailable to help me choose. Last year she was called into a customer meeting, this year tornado sirens. Maybe G-d really does want her to only pick my final weight clothes! Okay, I am being silly.

    I had another uncomfortably difficult bowel movement yesterday and decided to up my dosage of fibre. I put one or two teaspoons into three of my shakes yesterday, and hope that will kickstart my colon to start behaving. So far, so good… although I still have not had any solid foods, so I do not know from whence is coming all of the solid waste.

    As I drove toward the tailor, I was tempted momentarily by a fried chicken chain restaurant… the same one I wrote about in my article titled Temptations and Cravings that I wrote on Day 9 of my journey. I am not sure which came first – seeing the sign, or smelling the… I don’t know what it is that I smelled, because I do not think you can smell the eleven herbs and spices from the car. Maybe it is the grease that I smelled. Whatever it was, I was tempted briefly, before remembering two things: 1) However it might taste, the last few times I ate it I felt horrible afterwards, so it does not like me; and 2) I have been doing too well on my weight loss journey to throw it away on that garbage. I kept my eyes on the road, and shortly after I got home a couple of hours later, I had my fourth and final meal replacement of the day. I realized again that I am seeing these restaurants and being tempted, but so far, I have been able to resist those temptations. In less than a week from now, Leslie and I will dress up and go out for our first cheat meal… our favourite sushi restaurant. The following day I will likely have gained a pound or two on the scale (as I did on my first day in Dallas the last trip… following the same indulgent meal), and I will know that the meal I succumbed to, which had been planned a month in advance, was worth it… and a good decision. I will take my first bite and feel the juices rush through my mouth, knowing how long it will have been since I had a proper meal. I am not throwing that away – not to mention the forward momentum I have been making with my weight loss – on fast food chicken that has no redeeming qualities to it other than the addictive salt and grease.

    Today is Friday and I had planned to wear my grey Copley suit. After this morning’s terrible results from the scale, I was not in the mood to don that piece, and I decided to try on my light-gray sports jacket that I bought off the rack in 2017, and which did not fit the last time I tried it on. It fits fine today, so at least I have that. During the course of a five-day class, I do not like to repeat any piece of my outfit; until today that would have required me to wear the light-blue sports jacket which I have had altered down twice, and which I no longer feel fits me properly. I am glad that I can take that jacket out of the rotation. In eight weeks, I will receive my new sports jacket and vest (and my three new shirts), and I will retire this one as well. I do not like to think myself a snob and have never been a clothes snob. I simply feel the difference in the quality between the custom-tailored jackets that I wear and this one. There are plenty of off-the-rack brands that would likely be just as good as the ones that I get tailored; this one was bought off a liquidation rack at Sears, and probably cost me no more than $75. While there is a point at which I would not know the difference, at the lower end of the line you really do get what you pay for. For the time being, it fits, and on camera it will probably look fine… but it will not be a regular featured piece of my wardrobe.

    There is a winter weather advisory for the region. According to the radio, we are set to receive as much as 30cm of snow starting this afternoon and going through midday tomorrow. I have no place to be other than here, so aside from taking Her Floofness out for her business, I do not expect the inclement weather will affect me. I will, before class starts, run down to my car to put my windshield wipers up. If you do not understand why, it makes scraping ice and snow off the windshield much easier after the storm. With that said, unless something comes up, I have no plans to drive anywhere this weekend. My repaired shoes will be ready to be picked up tomorrow, but they will still be there Monday. Oh, I might try to go to the gym… but I am not going to dig my car out of 30cm of snow to do so. Hibernation may be the order of the weekend!

    I suppose I should log on and get my class started. Today is Day Last of my daytime class, and I promised my students (as I usually do) that I will be online early to answer questions and to offer any help they might need with their homework assignments.

    I called the pharmacy to renew my prescription (it would not do to run out of pills when I am in Dallas), and they told me that they cannot renew it until next Friday, the day after I fly out. I told them I was flying, and they told me that because it is a controlled substance, they have no wiggle room, and they would have to get authorization from my doctor to refill it in advance. That, I told her, is why I called so early. While it is possible that Wednesday we will be changing my dosage, I did not want to leave this to the last minute and have to fly without the pills. The pharmacy has a procedure in place for this contingency and will fax my doctor’s office for authorization. Even if he might not be working today (he often takes Fridays off), it will be dealt with on Monday, and I will absolutely be able to collect my prescription Wednesday, with plenty of time to spare. Pre-planning avoids all sorts of problems.

    I’ll run downstairs now to prepare my car, and then I’ll start my class. My plan for today is to stay on track… even though this last week that has not done me any good. Yes, I know it would have been worse had I cheated, I just feel… well, I feel like I have been cheated!

    Have a great day folks!