Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 407

    Her Floofness looks amazing back from the spa, as she always does. She got home and immediately went to play with her best friend Charlie, and I finished my teaching throughout the rest of the day and evening. In her absence, I realized it was a gorgeous day outside, and I spent my lunch with my wife on the patio… through our rectangles. It is hard to be apart, but at least we have technology to keep us closer. It was the first day in several months that I was able to sit on the balcony without a heavy jacket, wearing only my vest over my shirt and tie. I pointed out to Leslie that I love the look of the vest, but am looking forward to getting new ones that were not tailored for me last March; it is amazing to realize that since my last visit with the tailor, I have lost 80 lbs. The vest is the only piece of clothing from that fitting that was never altered down, but it is also the only one that has a tie in the back that allows me to tighten it. This evening after class I am heading back to meet the tailor and will pick out fabrics for new vests… as well as a new sports jacket and several shirts. It is very exciting!

    It is official; my hopes of my weight dropping below 270 lbs. for this evening’s visit to the tailor are over, as are my hopes of dropping any weight at all from yesterday. I did not gain weight, but I did not lose any either. One week out from my flight to Dallas and I am certainly likely to drop below the 270 lbs. mark… but hitting 265 lbs. would require a nearly seven-pound drop in a week; it is just not realistic. I will settle for meeting my goal and will not try to set the even more ambitious one that I hoped for, but never clearly enumerated.

    This morning I did have a successful, but still difficult, bowel movement. I am going to increase my fibre intake to two tablespoons twice daily for the foreseeable future. I suspect that when I am in Dallas it will not be as much on an issue, as I will be eating plenty of salads. For now, the idea of sitting on the toilet being an exercise in pain and difficulty is not an appealing one, so I will do what I can to try to mitigate that.

    The reasons my weight loss is slightly slower than it was are many, but one is clear when looking at the numbers. As I have mentioned so many times before, I love examining the numbers on my weight loss spreadsheets and using the data to explain patterns. For example, on my comparative spreadsheet from 2020 I see that my gain over the pace from my last weight loss attempt was tremendous this morning, and I am now back to 6.4 lbs. ahead of my pace to my best weight from 2020, a two-pound jump over yesterday. That could have been caused by a sharped weight loss, but of course it was not. It was caused by the cheating and subsequent consequences of same from the 2020 attempt. Reading my journal from that week is interesting – aside from the cheating, I also found this paragraph from that journal’s Day 364 that talks about my ex-girlfriend using me as an emotional punching bag, a topic that I discussed with Leslie just the other day. I also discuss the failures of the previous day, which included a couple of meat sticks from a convenience store, as well as a bag of almonds. I am glad that I am not turning to things like those anymore because the sodium content must have been through the roof! No, the numbers that I was actually referring to at the beginning of this paragraph are in the BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) column of my body fat scale spreadsheet. There is a huge drop in that from when I started my journey – over 750 calories per day – which simply put means that my body at rest does not burn as many calories as it did a year ago. On a day like yesterday when I hardly moved from my desk chair, I would not have been burning as many calories as I would have not been moving a year ago, which means that the weight loss would be less pronounced. I know that I need to be moving to lose weight, and this weekend – as well as all of next week – I am going to get my butt in gear. I know that I will not get to 265 lbs. by next Thursday… but under 269 lbs. is definitely achievable if I stay on track and move my tuchus!

    Going back to my comparative spreadsheet for a moment, I am going to set a timed goal… something that does not always work well for me. Today my comparative weight to 2020 is ahead by 6.4 lbs. March 20 (the first time I will weigh myself back in Canada after my trip) correlates to September 4, 2020, when I weighed 270.6 lbs. If I were to lose an average of .5 lb. per day between now and then, that comparative weight will be up to 7.8 lbs. ahead. If we adjust that rate down to a very reasonable .4 lb. per day, then I will still be ahead by 6 lbs. That will be my goal… to be at least 6 lbs. ahead in the comparative chart on my first day back in Canada. That will allow me to have my cheat meals but will also encourage me to be as mindful as possible so that I do stay on track. It should help that the weather in Dallas will be much more consistently amenable to jogging than is the weather in Canada this month!

    Incidentally, if I do keep up that .4 lb. per day loss, I will achieve my best weight from 2020 by March 31, and my best post-Army weight on April 13. At my current rate (since February 1) of over .5 lb. per day, those predictions move up by a week, to March 25 and April 5 respectively. I could weigh less than I can ever remember weighing in the first week of April. I am floored by that. I am truly astounded to know that by either of those rates, my true best-weight-ever is a short-term goal of less than 45 days. Mind. Blown.

    I will get through the day with my carful mindfulness, not veering from the program at all. After class I will drive into Hamilton for my appointment with the tailor, which is truly exciting. With all of these predictions and forecasts from the previous paragraphs, I cannot think that I would be tempted to indulge in any cheats along the way. Whether my best weight ever comes on April 5 or 15 or 30, I am not going to fall off my program and lose the amazing momentum that I have built up. Despite the aches in my hip that are reminding me how long it had been since I jogged, I am disappointed that I will not be able to get out for another run until the weekend. I will get through my day today on my usual 950 calories, and I will come home with pictures of fabrics that will be my new wardrobe in 6-8 weeks.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 406

    When I wrote my article yesterday, I was full of crap. I mentioned that I had not had a successful bowel movement since Saturday, and that might have been a contributing factor to my weight gain. When I excused my class for lunch I went for a try. As painful as it was is also how productive it was. Frankly, I was surprised by the output. How is it that I have not eaten any solid foods in nearly three weeks, and yet that much solid waste is coming out of me? I am hoping that it is because the obesity is leaving my body. Seeing that weight gain yesterday morning was bad enough, but the psychology of jumping back into the Obesity Class II category, however briefly, was a hit to my ego.

    After my bowel movement, and then after I had my midday meal replacement, I decided that I have three possible plans for my evening after class, and the more things that I plan, the less likely I would accomplish them all. I decided to run out to the pharmacy to pick up a fibre supplement, and then next door to the supermarket to pick up a quart of I-Can-Absolutely-Believe-It’s-Not-Milk. I did not go to Fortino’s because it is farther away, and I knew that I only had a limited time to get there and back. I pulled into the shopping centre on the corner and went into both stores for a single purchase at each one. In both I found myself in line behind people who were obviously not pressed for time, but I held my peace, waited my turn, and was back in front of my computer precisely one minute before it was time to resume my class. I added a teaspoon of fibre to my early evening meal replacement and starting today (and going forward) I will add a teaspoon to my morning meal replacement shake every day. I do not think I will need more than that, but I certainly know I needed something. After all, there is no reason to suffer pain and discomfort unnecessarily.

    At the end of my class, I got my jogging kit on. Before I set out on my run, I took HRF Princess Sophie for a quick walk. She had been waiting patiently, but in the last twenty minutes of my class she was quite clear about needing to go out. She took care of her business, and then as if she knew, she guided me back into the building. I set her up with a nice treat, and then made my way down.

    • Distance: 3.5 km (7.08km)
    • Duration: 29:02 (1:01:29)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m17s (8m41s)
    • Steps: 4,400
    • Calories burned: 451
    • Elevation gain: 27m
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 152

    This was my jog. I did reset my devices to record my progress on the return walk (which was exactly 3km), but those stats are not worth noting. For anyone who might ask, the reason I stopped jogging was not that I was in pain, rather I was stuck at a red light, and there was quite a bit of ice and snow ahead. Looking down at my devices, I was going to pause the trek; seeing that both my devices were at exactly 3.5km, I decided to pull up and walk the rest of the way. It was colder today than it was Sunday, and with the darkness that had fallen before I even set out, I decided to play it safe. Yes, the temperatures had been above zero most of the day… but when the sun goes down, it is a quick transition for the dampness on the ground to turn to ice. It would not do for me to turn an ankle and hurt myself… certainly not when I have been doing so well; not knowing that I am off to Dallas in eight and a half days.

    I took a quick shower before selecting a Davidoff Yamasa Toro cigar to enjoy on my Rectangle-Zone date with my beautiful wife, who had selected a Davidoff Millennium cigar for herself. In eight days, we will be together again, and it will be wonderful. For now, we have to settle for the damned rectangle zone. The physical distance that separates us is becoming more and more difficult to contend with. As silly or juvenile as it might seem, I truly am counting down the hours until we are together again. Rounding up, we are at 193. How cruel the universe can be in conspiring to keep us apart for so long? How amazing karma was for bringing us together, despite no geographic commonality. We will get through this, and we will one day be able to live happily ever after together.

    As we were talking last night, Leslie asked if she could tell me about a non-scale victory that she had noticed during my last visit but was unsure how to bring up delicately. As I do, she has a balcony on which we sit to enjoy cigars. It has a plastic floor cover that she added when she moved in. The first few times I had visited her, she noticed that under my chair, there were indents from my weight on the plastic. When I was there in January, there was no such indent. Hooray! I’ll take every victory that I can, thank you very much!

    I mentioned earlier in this entry that I had three things planned for yesterday evening. I actually accomplished all of them! I picked up fibre as well as faux milk. I went for a jog, despite the cold and dark that might have been a good excuse for skipping it. I had a cigar date with my wife. True, I did one of those at lunch, but the important thing is that I accomplished them all. After I told Leslie about my digestive issues she asked if I had bought the fibre and was glad that I told her I had. She was probably not as happy as I was though… the passing was quite sharp!

    Her Floofness has a spa appointment today which means I have to plan my class breaks around dropping her off and then collecting her. The spa does not have facilities to keep her longer than her appointment, and the one time that I could not collect her on time, I heard about it. I know I can massage the timing of recess and lunch, as well as assign lab work to ensure I am not too rushed. Knowing that I have to get there and back quickly will negate any temptation to stop off and pick up anything to cheat with. This morning saw the numbers on the bathroom scale down again, back into best-weight-yet territory, as well as back into the Obesity Class I category. I am now 11.4 lbs. from my best weight from 2020, and 16.8 lbs. from my best post-Army weight ever. More important for the immediate, I am back below my best weight from 2017. I was somewhat distraught yesterday morning to see that I had kicked back above that mark, in addition to the Obesity Class II. Thank goodness it was only for one day, and I am back on track. With my jog, as well as my bowl movement, I was hoping for a little more; I will be satisfied with what I have. I told Leslie last night that I would like to lose at least 3kg from last Wednesday to my next doctor’s appointment next Wednesday. That should not be too difficult, but if I can manage to drop 3.5 lbs. between now and then (a reasonable weight drop for a week on this program) then that fortnightly weight drop might be closer to 4kg. The things I think about as I look at my spreadsheets over my first cup of coffee…

    So once again, my plan for the day is to stay on track. If I can stay true to the program for the next eight days, then there is a very good chance that I will achieve my next short-term goal, to arrive in Dallas under 270 lbs. Last night I was speaking with Leslie, and I told her how wonderful it would be to go to the tailor Thursday evening under 270 lbs., but that is not likely to happen. A 1.8 lb. drop from today into tomorrow is unrealistic to expect. With that said, on February 2nd (and then again on February 13th) I set the goal for tomorrow to be under 280 lbs. by tomorrow. It was not until February 15th that I stretched that goal, hoping to get under 275 lbs. by tomorrow. I achieved both of those. On that day just two weeks ago I also stretched my goal for my Dallas trip to 270 lbs. (down from an original goal of 275 lbs.), and unless something drastic happens, I will absolutely achieve that. Would it have been nice to be able to move those two goalposts downward by another five pounds? Sure… but I am on a long-distance marathon, and not a sprint. I have discussed many times the importance of setting short-term goals and trying to meet and even beat my own expectations. So far, I have met every milestone goal that I have set for myself. I doubt I have met every timed goal, but I have done my best… and certainly since I kicked my program into high gear in January, I have been hugely successful. I am 29.2 lbs. down since starting the full-fast program on January 11… and that includes an eight-day hiatus from it during my trip to Dallas. That is over four pounds per week! In that time, I have also started jogging, which was another long-term goal of mine. I may not be anywhere near ready to run a marathon, but that too might happen if I stay on track! What is the lesson learned from this? Setting short-term goals for myself results in long-term successes… as long as I stay patient and stay focused.

    With that, my plan for the day is to stay on track with my food intake, to teach for the next twelve hours, and to wake up tomorrow morning to another slight drop on the bathroom scale. There are days when I forget that a lot of those slight drops will amount to huge drops over time. As of today, that drop from Day 1 is over one hundred and twenty pounds.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 405

    It was pointed out to me yesterday that I made a numbering error on the blog, this time the other way. It seems I had repeated Day 402 twice. Fortunately, that is a much easier issue to correct!

    How dare the bathroom scale be so cruel this morning? Knowing that I was true to the program yesterday (save for two throat lozenges throughout the day), how could it possibly revert my weight back to Sunday’s 273 lbs.? How can it kick me back into Obesity Class II from yesterday’s victory? I am extremely unhappy about it. It is as if simply the act of handling the snacks that I ordered to bring to Dallas for Leslie is sufficient for me to gain nearly an entire pound. It was painful to see, despite knowing the likelihood that tomorrow it will recover, and possibly even pick up a few extra ounces. In the meantime, it just sucks. I will not let this temporary setback take me from my path. I have an appointment with my tailor two days from today, and I will not fall from grace ahead of that – or just nine days from my flight to Dallas – because of one morning’s disappointment. I wrote just Sunday that, ‘This is not the first time during my journey that the bathroom scale has shown a very slight gain from Day X to Day X+1, only to make up for it greatly on Day X+2.’ I have to remember that and stay on track.

    I made it through yesterday without feeling the same weakness or fatigue that I had the last few times that I taught late, and I am grateful for that. I was worried, following last week, that I would need either a cup of tea or an energy drink to get through the grueling 13-hour day. In fact, I was fine. That is not to say that at the end of my class I was not really ready for it to be over, or that I did not really need that final meal replacement. Getting through these days is not an option, only how well I get through them. There is an old saying that you make hay when the sun is shining. When I am offered these long-day contracts (rather, they are two coinciding contracts, but from the same company) then I am going to take them. Just one week of that per month ensures that I will be able to pay my bills, plus a little extra on the side.

    As has been the case every day this month, my plan is to stay on track today. I am only teaching during the day, which means that my schedule looks pretty reasonable. If the weather forecast stays true, I might try to go for a short jog after class, followed by (if she is amenable) a cigar date with my beautiful wife. I know that her son comes back tomorrow, which means that the next time she might be able to have another cigar with me will be when I am actually there… nine days from today! Of course, it is not inconceivable that I might try to do that mid-afternoon instead. The temperatures here will be mild for the season, and if Leslie does not have a meeting in that slot, then who knows what could happen? We’ll see. As long as I am not eating. Enjoying a cigar with my wife would not be the worst way to spend my lunch break!

    Today is the last day of February. It is amazing to realize that in the entire month I have had two meals… one on the 1st because of my flight debacle, and one on the 12th with my son. I have made it through an entire month on two meals, and probably 110 meal replacements. I feel like I have had so many successes this month that it is almost a shock that I am only fifteen pounds down from February 1… but the experts say that even on such an extreme program you can expect to lose about two pounds per week… and I have beaten and nearly doubled that, so there is no logical reason for me to be disappointed. I am just impatient with it. No matter how many times I remind myself that this is a journey that takes time, I cannot seem to shake that impatience.

    Leslie and I were talking yesterday, and I realized something that I had never considered before. There has never been any doubt that the tremendous changes to my body are having a huge psychological affect on me; it never occurred to me that it would be affecting her as well. I suppose I just thought that I was slimming down so I would be more attractive to her. I never stopped to consider that yes, she has always loved me… but the man that she fell in love with has shrunk tremendously. While I would gain thirty pounds from when we first met face to face to my apex weight, I am still ninety pounds lighter than I was when she first wrapped her arms around me… or at least, as much as she could. On my last visit to Dallas, she was surprised that she could actually wrap her arms around me completely… with inches to spare. I have to remember that I am not alone in this, and that while there are no negatives to losing the weight, I have to be cognizant that she is affected too. This came to light after I sent her a picture from my heaviest weight in 2019, before I began my second extreme weight loss journey. We talked about it yesterday, and I hope we will continue to talk about it.

    After the extremely successful bowel movement on Saturday, I have not had any success in that department. I have also not gone out to get the fibre supplement which I mentioned. This evening I will try to go to the store to pick up more non-milk and will remember to pick that up as well. It is not that I am not now feeling that I would like to… but it is the first time in three days that I am feeling that. Perhaps sometime today it might happen. Maybe that success would have mitigated this morning’s ridiculous weight bump. Who knows?

    Okay, it is time to start my day. Princess Sophie went for a very brief walk this morning, but the rest of the day should go like clockwork. Stay on plan, stay focused, and tomorrow the bathroom scale will be kinder to me.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 404

    I was so distracted yesterday that I did not realize that I was on the cusp of my BMI dropping below 35. I noticed it but did not even discuss it with my diet buddy when she was here. This morning, when I registered .8 b. lower than I did yesterday, I saw my BMI was now 34.9. To many, that will just be another number. For me (and the medical community) it means that I have dropped out of the Obesity (Class II) category and into Obesity (Class I). For someone who was in the Extreme Obesity (Class III) category (sometimes referred to as Morbidly Obese) until November, this is a huge milestone for me! It dwarfs the fact that this morning I also crossed below my best weight from 2017, besting my 2020 effort by a full week. I immediately texted my diet buddy and will tell Leslie (who is a time zone behind us) as soon as she wakes up.

    My diet buddy spent a couple of hours here yesterday and we talked about a lot of things, including her failures last week, and my successes. We also discussed clothes, and what we will do when we are slim. It was nice to discuss a number of things that are so hard for people who have not been through this same program (or one similar to it) will relate to. I did my best to remind her that yes, she had a cheat week grazing while her kids were visiting, but it is time for her to get back on track. I told her that when she starts faltering, she should remember the cost of her surgery, and how she does not want that be a waste.

    After she left, I had my midday shake, which was later than usual… probably around 2:30pm. I then decided that I could either sit on my duff all afternoon, or I could go out for a jog. I know that this week will be a complete wash with regard to working out, and that the weather was a bit chilly and windy, but not terrible. I added an extra layer to my regular kit – a hooded sweatshirt between my long sleeve shirt and my jacket – and headed out. I was hoping to meet or even surpass my previous best of 4km jogging from Monday but did not expect that I would have it in me to go much farther. I was wrong. For the first time since when… I don’t even know when the last time I did it was! Anyhow, I jogged seven kilometres without stopping. I was not breaking any records – I averaged 8m41s per kilometre – but I did it. Seeing as I was doing it for my walking, I might as well record in this journal my stats for my jog, too!

    • pb Distance: 7.08 km
    • pb Duration: 1:01:29
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m41s
    • pb Steps: 9,200
    • pb Calories burned: 1,008
    • Elevation gain: 56m
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 151

    It was without a doubt a great outing, and one that I am sure will be a good benchmark for me. I now know that beating 5km is no sweat for me, and I should be aiming for 10 km sometime during my trip to Dallas. I am trying to plan out what that route would be. I think I know where I’ll start and see what the distance is. I have to believe that pushing myself those extra kilometres – really, just getting out there to begin with, when the alternative was lying down and taking a nap – contributed to my achieving the two milestones that I hit this morning. I will continue to push myself… but not this week, as my schedule is a bear. This weekend though… yeah, I’ll be hitting the road with gusto!

    With two goals achieved today, let’s revisit the next few that I have on my list:

    • Drop below 270 lbs. by March 9 (the day I fly to Dallas). If I lose an average of 0.4 lbs. per day, then I will best that by nearly two pounds!
    • Gain no more than 2 lbs. during my trip to Dallas. As I have commented on several times, Leslie is hugely supportive of my weight loss efforts. While we do have a few splurge meals planned, my goal (with her support) is to approach those with mindfulness, planning ahead as I did before. While I have no expectations of repeating it, I returned to Canada after my last trip a full five pounds down; as such, it is likely that if I am careful on my modified program, I can beat this without any trouble.
    • Drop below 260.4 lbs., my best weight from 2020. I am now 11.8 lbs. from that goal, which feels absolutely amazing!
    • Drop to (or below) 255 lbs., by best weight ever post-Army (from February 2005). It amazes me that when I achieve that I will have lost 140-pounds. Wow.
    • Drop below 250 lbs., that major milestone that I have no recollection of honestly weighing, the half-century.
    • Drop to 230 lbs., at which point I will be classified as overweight, but no longer Obese.

    Remembering that it is about the downward trend and not the individual plots on the graph, if I stick with the program and lose an average of .4 lb. per day, then I am less than 45 days from dropping below 255 lbs. Last week I wrote that short-term goals are those that can be achieved inside that time frame. Is my best post-Army weight EVER really now a short-term goal? It hardly seems possible.

    My class starts in a couple of hours, and I am dressed in my blue suit with a pink shirt and one of Leslie’s favourite ties of mine. She and I picked out my outfit together last night, and I really enjoyed it. I can absolutely get dressed on my own, and I think I have the fashion sense (and the wardrobe) to do so quite stylishly. There is a simple joy to having my wife pick out my clothes for me sometimes… or at least have final approval of my choices. When we are living together, I hope that will happen a lot more often. It is not that I am not able to do it on my own… I simply enjoy that I can get her input. I know that she really enjoys men’s fashion; helping to dress her husband… it is nice to know that we both get enjoyment from it! I only wish I had a similar sense for women’s fashion. I know what looks good on her, but it is harder for me to counsel her on what to wear. I do like that when she wears one of her dresses, I can at least coordinate my shirt and tie to match her. With that in mind, when I am at the tailor later this week, I will be looking for shirts in a couple of colours that I had never previously considered. She has already given me one idea for colours to look for, but with the thought of being able to coordinate to all of her dresses, I will be asking her to give me other ideas as well.

    It is strange to think that this morning I am classified as Obese Class I. It is stranger to think – and even more so to say – that my next goal is to be overweight. At that same trend of .4 lb. per day, I would achieve that goal the first week of June. I have to know that while my exercise might be ramping up, as I lose body mass it is likely that my rate of weigh loss will slow somewhat, making that unlikely. Even changing that average rate to .3 from .4 pushes that out to mid-July. No matter, if I can weigh 235 lbs. on my birthday (which would be about that .3 lb. lost per day average) then it will be a huge success… and would continue the trend, with a one-hundred-pound loss from my last birthday! (The trend being that I lost 100-pounds from the beginning of my journey through the first year)

    My plan for today is to get through it on the program. Knowing how long the workday will be, I expect that in addition to the pot of coffee I will drink between now and 1pm, I will also need either a cup of tea or an energy drink to make it through the evening class. In addition to the Royal Milk Tea which I love, Leslie introduced me to an energy drink that we picked up at Costco. So far, I have not needed any, but suspect that between my afternoon and evening sessions it would not be a bad idea to prepare and drink one. They have 45 calories, 10g of sugar, and claim to have the equivalent caffeine to 1-2 cups of coffee. These are probably not a bad idea for my 13-hour teaching days… as long as I only drink one per day. Not only would that make for a lot of sugar, but I also suspect that much caffeine late in the afternoon might inhibit my ability to sleep.

    We have weather coming. The temperature was -10° when I took Her Floofness out for a very short walk this morning. While it is going up gradually throughout the day to -1° by 8pm, the news on the radio this morning said that with the wind chill it would feel like -12°. There will be a bit of snow during the day, until 5:00pm, when it will start snowing… which will switch to freezing rain as the temperatures rise throughout the night. All this to say that I am not disappointed to be chained to my desk inside today!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 403

    I told Leslie last night that this morning I would weigh less than 274 lbs., and I was right. In fact, I beat it by a whole pound. Who knows? Maybe it is because according to my comparative chart to my 2020 race for my best weight, in that attempt I knew there was a tremendous day-over-day loss… or maybe it is simply because I have been sticking to my program, not cheating at all, and I had a really good bowel movement yesterday afternoon. More on that later, if you can believe it. Even dropping 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, I still lost ground on my comparison, based on a 2.6 lbs. drop from then. No matter… in the race to my best weight from 2017, I am now just over half a pound away… if I do not achieve it tomorrow, then it will certainly be by Tuesday.

    This is not the first time during my journey that the bathroom scale has shown a very slight gain from Day X to Day X+1, only to make up for it greatly on Day X+2. Looking back on the last few weeks, this is the third time since I am home from Dallas that it has happened. With the exception of the Great Nacho Chips & Salsa Debacle, my weight loss trend has been down quite steadily since then. For me to lose twenty pounds in one month is tremendous, but it is hard to see when just looking at the scale day after day. I decided to export a graph from Excel to show it:

    clip_image002

    While there are a couple of distinct spikes, the overall trend is undeniable. The only conclusion that can be derived from this is that what I am doing is working!

    I did end up going to Milton for a cigar with Sam yesterday, and it was delightful. Eduardo did not join us, which changed the dynamic. Sam and I have not had a discussion like we had in a while. It was quite nice. On my way there, I stopped by Starbucks, and once again I was disappointed by the coffee. Now that I am not adding sugar to my coffee, I am not sure if I simply do not like the blend that I chose, or if I am simply going to have to prepare my coffee at home from now on. The next time I go, I will try a different blend. If I don’t like that, then I will save some money, so it is not the worst thing… and I will save my shekels for when I want to splurge for a latté… especially when I am smoking a particular cigar with my wife.

    When I got home, I was finally able to have a really good bowel movement. It is rare, since I am on the full-fast, that I am able to have a really good BM, and tis was the second one this week. I am frankly a little amazed that I was able to do it… but it is painful, and I am going to have to look into a fibre supplement or something. The next time I go out, I will stop into the pharmacy and pick up a fibre supplement. I asked one of my support groups for opinions on which work best, and if there is one thing I have found in these groups it is that a lot of people are willing to share their opinions and experiences. It is one of the few places (aside from the occasional article here) where I am okay discussing my digestive tract, and the workings thereof. There are some things that I just do not like talking about with most of my friends…

    My diet buddy is coming over after my study group today. When I reached out to her yesterday, she told me that she really wanted to come because she had a bad week. I really hope that is only on her diet. I know that her kids were in town for study week, and she was worried about the food that would be readily available. I will do everything I can to talk her through getting back on track. I know that she will do fine though. I know a lot of people who have had bariatric surgery and who have gained the weight back, and I know she needs my support to not let that happen. The surgery makes it easy to lose the weight initially, but the psychology of food addiction makes it hard to keep it off. That is where having a diet buddy to call or text is most important.

    After my time in the loo yesterday I decided to once again try on my Size-36 pants. That was a mistake. I am not going to try them on again until I am at my Best Weight Ever. I am nineteen pounds away from that goal and am not even sure if they will fit then. I know that none of them (and admittedly there is a range of an inch or more when holding up the waists to each of them) are even close to fitting now, and every time I try them, I am reminded again that I am not there yet. It may take another six weeks, but I will put a note on the bin to leave it in the closet until I am there. I do not know what I was thinking in September 2020, but I have seven pair of pants in that size. It is a good thing that I should be in them for a while!

    I decided over the last few days to order a couple of new belts. It is amazing to think that when I separated out all of my clothes into bins a year ago, I had something like ten belts that did not fit me, but that once did. Looking in my armoire this morning I have three belts that fit me, one that is not only a bit long, but is stretched out and ratty, and none that are too small. Of the belts that fit, none of them are on the last hole. In fact, they are all on the third or fourth hole. A few months ago, I remember ordering Size 38 belts, and then returning them because they did not fit yet; at the time it did not seem like they ever would. I eventually bought them again, but only once I was sure. This time, despite the belts most likely not fitting yet, I know that they will within the next 4-6 weeks. I want to be ready, especially when my new tailored pants and sports jacket come in (which likely will not be until mid-May), by which point I will definitely be sporting that smaller size.

    The forecast for today is above zero for most of the afternoon. While I told my buddy in Cambridge that I will not be driving out there today (most likely we will do it next week), I messaged Sam and we might get together after my diet buddy leaves. We’ll see… I did not feel like making the trek out to Cambridge, but Milton is not nearly as long. As well, it is easier to stay on track there… the man cave in Cambridge has snacks and temptations everywhere you look, and I just do not feel like I have the capacity to avoid them all today. It is one thing to not go looking for junk; it is quite another to have it readily available and have to stay strong throughout the afternoon. There are days when I know that I have the willpower. Today is not one of those days. I have been feeling more tempted than usual to cheat these last few days. I have not done it, but I am not going to put myself in that position today. It is bad enough that I know what I have in the freezer should I decide to eat… that would require food preparation. Sitting within easy reach of a handful of nuts (and then another handful, followed by peanut-filled pretzels) requires nothing other than letting my guard down for just a moment. That moment will not be today. Once I get past today, I know that this week is a maelstrom of long days – teaching morning to night three days, and then Thursday evening I will head to the tailor to be measured for my new clothes. I am really excited about that… especially knowing that I will almost certainly weigh less than I did when I first got measured by them in 2017!

    I guess I should get moving. My study group starts in a few minutes, and I should publish my blog and get ready. Oh, I also realized that cutting my coffee down to half a pot per day is going to wait… I really felt it Friday, and that was an easy day compared to the week I have ahead.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 402

    I knew my weight was going to be up this morning before I even stepped onto the bathroom scale. I said to myself that as long as my weight remained below 275 lbs., then I would be happy. Okay, that is not entirely accurate… I said, ‘Please, at least be under 274.5 lbs.’ it was 274.6, which is exactly the same (my bathroom scale does 2/10ths and so that was as close as it would get. It is not that I was expecting to gain weight based on bad behaviour; it was a simple matter of the inaccuracies of yesterday’s weights, and that the fluctuations made me leery about the accuracy. Couple that with another day of terrible weather keeping me sequestered in the house, and an unproductive bowel movement, I end up .4 lb. heavier this morning than I was yesterday. Tomorrow will be lower – it is simply not possible to consume under 950 calories in a day and not lose weight. I just have to be patient about it.

    I noticed in the night that my hips are aching a little. These are the hips that until recently were completely insulated by layers of fat, which I can now feel. The aches are not significant, and they are not keeping me awake. I suspect they are just making me aware of some of the changes that my body has gone through… and continues to go through. There have been other aches over the last few months. Most of these I have written about in these pages but are now behind me. I am sure that if there were pains that were significant and lasting enough, I would have discussed them with my doctor. I do see him at least once every month, and I think I have been doing a good job of keeping him in the loop. When I started on this journey, I knew that medical supervision would be important, and that would not simply be about watching the numbers on the scale drop. There are side-effects of dramatic weight loss that need to be watched, and not all of them are predictable. Add to that the fact that even while I was still morbidly obese, I was doing a lot more exercise than might be prescribed, and you have a body dropping a huge amount of weight that needs to be watched closely by medical professionals. Don’t get me wrong… it is great to get the encouragement and pats on the back from the nurse whenever I dropped a significant amount of weight. That was never why I asked to see them on a regular basis. It is for these aches and pains that arise from tremendous changes. If my hips are still bothering me at my next appointment, then I will discuss it with him.

    I mentioned a couple of times that Leslie and I discussed the end game… what I will look like, how she can support me, and so on. Another big component that we discussed that is less pleasant is that I will likely need surgery to remove excess skin. Yes, as unpleasant a thought as it is, my skin has been stretched over the last twenty-five years to support between a huge amount of excess body mass. While it might once have, it is unlikely that at my age it will have the elasticity to bounce back to what it should be. When I first went through the orientation for the program in 2017, this was something that they discussed. I looked around the room and thought to myself that the people there were older, larger, and much more out of shape than I am… it would apply to them, but not to me. In 2020 I was with a woman who pointed out that what I thought was still fat was also partly loose skin. Whether it would have applied to me at the time or not, it almost certainly will now. I am not excited about that. I do not like surgery for anything, but to have excess skin removed so that my body doesn’t look like a deflated balloon… yeah, that’s certainly unsettling.

    In a couple of hours, I am going to spend time with a couple of friends smoking cigars. The original plan was for me to spend the afternoon in Cambridge with a buddy (doing precisely that), but he texted me last night to cancel. Fortunately, Sam and Eduardo are available, and I will only have to drive to Milton instead of Cambridge. The only difference is that Princess Sophie won’t come to Milton… we smoke at Sam’s business, and it is not really appropriate to bring her. She will get to relax at home, and maybe the neighbour will grab her for a playdate with Charlie. In the meantime, I am going to stick to the program. Gaining .4 lb. this morning is not going to put me off the program. The one thing I will remember is that the last time I drove up there, I picked up a coffee at Starbucks… and it was horrible. I suspect they mixed two different blends, and I did not enjoy it at all. I will decide if I am going to make coffee here or pick up a cup on the way… but make sure they give me the right blend. We’ll see… it is nice to have the change, but they have to make it right!

    Stay on track, stay focused. I only wish I had not planned better – while I can mix my shake in the blender bottle, I much prefer the consistency of it when I make it in the blender. I won’t have a choice for my second meal replacement of the day, so I will bring the proper implements to mix it at Sam’s place. It will not be the biggest compromise I have to make in this program, and I will do it gladly. I only hope that Sam has ice cubes in the freezer… they do taste better ice cold! Speaking of which, I finished the case of water that I always keep in the car. I will make a point to pick a new case up today. I also think I will need to pick up some more coffee… I am not quite out, but I am low enough that if I have to be at the supermarket anyways to pick up water, I might as well pick up coffee at the same time.

    Okay folks, I am going to get to it. I have about thirty minutes of paperwork that I want to get done before I head out, so I should stop procrastinating. Also, now that I think of it, I am not sure if I am able to pick up my shoes from the cobbler today, or if it is next Saturday that they will be ready. I only remember that I was relieved that I will have them back in time to bring them to Dallas. I’ll try to call and confirm.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 401

    While trying to nap yesterday I felt my hip again, and it felt weird that there was definition to it, and not the layers of fat that I have been used to. Still and all, there are parts of me that I wish would change quicker. Leslie has been saying for a long time that I have no butt, and I did not understand what she meant. I do now, and I am wondering if as I lose more weight in the areas surrounding my posterior if that will change. Maybe the back fat that I seem to have a lot of is preventing any curvature in that area. I don’t know what I was like back then… whether I ever had a defined butt or not. I am sure I did, but it is more than half a lifetime ago when I was last slim… and in those days I would never have been so self-aware of a physical trait, other than my legs. I remember many times, both before and during my service, that people would remark on the musculature of my legs. These are weird things to remember, but it is something that I recall.

    The bathroom scale was inconsistent again this morning, but the final reading stayed constant over three (of five) readings, and I was not displeased that it was the lowest of the three different readings that was the consistent one. Taking both my 1.8 lbs. drop from yesterday, and my 1.6 lbs. gain from the comparable day in 2020, and my comparative weight is now 5.4 lbs. down from then. This morning’s drop (which I suspect will give back a few ounces tomorrow) has me less than 2 lbs. from my best weight from 2017… and 13.8 lbs. from by best weight 2020. These are numbers that I have had in my sights for some time, as I kept meticulous records from those years. The one that I missed was from 2005, which I realized just a week ago when reading old blog articles that I took offline at the beginning of this journey. While those records are lost, the anecdotal evidence is that I weighed 255 lbs., and I am now 19.2 lbs. from there. I am calling that my best weight ever, and it is now fifth on my list of upcoming goals. Yesterday it was sixth… but this morning I dropped below 275 lbs., which means that I have achieved the first of those goals!

    My therapist asked me yesterday if I had watched any of the videos she had mentioned to me about adults who came from crappy childhoods. We had discussed them in a different context during a previous session. I told her I had not watched them, and that I did not think that I would. It was not that I do not believe that I had a crappy childhood, but that it was caused primarily by a toxic and abusive mother who is dead and buried. I told her that it is not that I do not think her abuse had terrible detrimental effects on me… it did. When I was first in therapy with her, that abuse and those effects were a primary focus of our sessions. Today, five years after her passing, I think about her sometimes… and most of the time it will be in the context of, ‘This is how she would have dealt with a particular situation. What can I do differently to be better… as a husband, as a father, and as a person.’ It is not that I have a knee-jerk reaction like, ‘she did this, so I have to do the opposite.’ I am aware that she did some things well, and I try to recognize those things. There are some things that she did terribly, and it took me a lot of years to unlearn those lessons that she taught me. I do not fly off the handle and yell at people… especially (but not only) those who are important to me. There are times when I do lose my cool, but I try to keep my voice down and use my words – without swearing or cursing or whatever – to get my point across. She (my therapist) thought that this is a great way to handle things.

    It is still cold outside – the wind chill when I took HRF Princess Sophie out this morning was -21° – but at least the sun is out. The forecast on my phone app predicts we will see a high of 1°, but that is a very lonely prediction, with Environment Canada predicting a daytime high of -4°, dropping down to -10° overnight. Through next week they are predicting that the daytime highs will be between a couple degrees below and three degrees about the freezing mark, with overnight lows dropping to as low as -8°. None of that will matter during the week, of course, as I will be teaching day and night throughout the week, leaving the apartment only briefly to walk Her Floofness. As such, I will try to get to the gym today and over the weekend, but I also have a lot of work to do here.

    My plan, of course, is to stay on track. Sticking to the program is so important if I am going to achieve my goals; knowing that in less than two weeks I will be in Dallas with Leslie is just one more good reason to stay mindful and to stay on track. Next Thursday is my appointment with the tailor, and I reached my goal of dropping below 275 lbs. for that… nearly one week in advance. The following week I will fly to Dallas, and I need to lose only 4.2 lbs. in the next thirteen days to get to my stated goal for that day and will try to exceed it by as much as I can. It is unreasonable to expect this, but if I can average a loss of 3.5 lbs. per week (.5 lb. per day) then in just over one month from today I would surpass my best weight ever mark. It is unlikely, especially as I will be taking a hiatus from the full-fast program while in Dallas. I played with the spreadsheet a little, and see that if I maintain my weight during my trip, and maintain that 3.5 pounds-per-week pace outside of it, then on April 15 I would weigh 254.7 lbs. This is, of course, all wild speculation and dreaming. I will continue to do my best. I will stay on track until I get to Dallas, when I will stay mindful even while enjoying food on the modified program. I will do the same level of research I did for P.F. Chang’s for every meal that we plan to eat out, and knowing the weather in Dallas in mid-March will be more amenable to it than it has been this week in Canada at the end of February, I will do as much jogging as I can to try to mitigate any weight gain that might otherwise come from my gastronomic dalliances. I will do everything that I can to succeed, and when I drop below 255 lbs. I will have a quiet celebration with my wife and with my journal… and then I will move on, knowing that I will still have a long way to go.

    I made another change this morning that I might or might not stick to. Rather than making the full pot of coffee, I set my machine to make a half pot, which is just over two cups of coffee. So far, I have not noticed any ill effects, but it is still early. Perhaps by the time I have to teach this evening I will need another cup, but we’ll see. Okay, I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get on with my day. I have some studying to do. I am thinking that I might get ready to take my next certification exam before I fly to Dallas, but in order to do that I will have to put my head down and really get to it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 400!

    Four hundred days. If you would have asked me on Day 1 if I would place bets that I would still be persevering and moving forward with my weight loss journey after four hundred days, I would not have put money down. It is not that it has been a straight and unobstructed path, nor an easy one. I have faltered, I have plateaued, I have so many times thought about giving up. I remember one day nearly a year ago when I was getting into my car with Princess Sophie, and I spilled my coffee all over the place. It was the last straw that morning. I was so pissed off that I drove to Wendy’s down the street, and I ordered a burger and French fries… I think I ordered fries. I then remember needing to collect myself before going back to the drive-thru window, wanting to kill everyone on spec, and politely telling the cashier that I did not order a cheeseburger, and had them replace it. I did it calmly and did not lash out… and that might have been my saving grace. I remember so many more days when I thought that just having this or that would have been fine. How many bags of Goldfish crackers did I open thinking they might last a week or two… knowing they might last a day. Through good times and bad I have not been perfect, but I have not given up. There have been so many times when I wanted to… but I know that I cannot. I have to lose all of the weight, and I need to find a way to keep it off when I do.

    I was so happy yesterday morning to be 3.2 lbs. from my best weight from 2017. I also know that any day that I drop so much weight, I am likely to give back a couple of ounces the next day… or at least stay stagnant for a day. Today was predictable in that. Despite my sticking to the program religiously yesterday (save for two coffee candies that gave me the boost of energy I needed to get through my class), and despite a very productive bowel movement this morning, the bathroom scale took back .4 lbs., causing my comparative weight to 2020 to drop from 4 lbs. better yesterday to 1.4 lbs. today. I knew that was likely to happen because of the tremendous day-over-day drop from that year. Back then I was on a roller coaster, mostly because of my modified program. I also know that I started a new job that week, which caused a lot of fluctuation. I know I will be back on track on that tomorrow, and that my slow and steady progress, and my dedication to the full fast program, will eventually win the race. Looking ahead at that chart, I suspect I will beat myself in the race to my best weight from 2017 by nearly a week. After that I will think about my race to best weight yet!

    The weather sucks today. There is no nice way to put it. We had what people in much of the world would call a blizzard, and what in Canada we call Wednesday in February. Yes, it was bad, and yes, there is 15cm of snow on the ground this morning that was not there yesterday. HRF Princess Sophie was not having any of it, and she would not venture out more than fifteen feet from the front door. It is still nearly -10° outside, with the windchill making it feel much colder. While it will warm up slightly, there are still calls for freezing rain today. Today will be a good day to stay inside and dressed warm. I cannot think of anything that I would need to go out for, so with the exception of taking the puppy to pee a couple of times, I will not be venturing out at all. Yes, the drivers here know how to drive in this weather, and yes, I drive a Subaru with winter tyres. None of that means that going out in this weather is a good idea. I will stick to the full fast program, and I know that tomorrow morning the bathroom scale will be a little nicer to me than it was today.

    After the rise on the scale, I decided that this morning called for a non-scale victory. Last week, I tried on a few pair of Size-36 pants, and only one of them fit (and it was tight). I decided that today was the day. I ripped the tags off of it and I put them on. I do not know if it is all in my mind, or if they really do fit better than they did just six days ago. Either way, I am wearing the first pair of Size-36 pants that I have worn in eighteen years! Yes, I bought them three years ago… but I bought them in anticipation of losing more weight and them fitting soon, which never happened. I guess my weight distribution today is slightly different from it was then, and just different enough that the pair of pants that did not fit yet (I am 15.6 lbs. heavier today than I was at my best) can fit today. A week from today, knowing that I will continue to lose weight, I will revisit the other Size 36 pants that were not even close to closing around my waist last week. For now, I’ll take this victory and smile.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 399

    I was expecting this morning to fall slightly back in the comparative number from 2020 because back then, following my return from Las Vegas, I dropped 2.2 lbs. the following morning. An unexpected massive drop of the same number from yesterday kept me on pace, and while I know that will fall off somewhat tomorrow (I had two straight days of that same pace in 2020, followed by two days of terrible gains), it will level out Friday.

    After taking HRF Princess Sophie out for thirty seconds this morning (she hates snow and freezing rain), I prepared my shake and my coffee, and I sat down at my computer as I always do. I was midway through the first sentence of the first paragraph when I realized that I had a doctor’s appointment! I locked my computer, put the remainder of my morning shake into the fridge, and headed out the door. I honestly did not know what the shake would taste like when I got home, but it was not bad. It was not as good as it usually is freshly blended, but it was drinkable.

    On Monday I wrote that I was hoping to drop at much as 4 kg from two weeks ago. I dropped 3.4 kg, and am not disappointed by that… especially when I think back on the Great Nachos and Salsa Debacle.

    Both the doctor and nurse are extremely pleased by my progress. The doctor asked me what I have been doing, and I told him about how I adjusted my program. Remember that he had not seen me since January 18, and I have lost 8 kg in that five-week period. I told him that with the exception of my trip to Dallas, I have been on the full-fast program, and that even when I was in Dallas, I was able to maintain and even lose weight. He is extremely happy to see me doing so well. We discussed BMI, and I told him that mine was currently measured at 35.4, which means that another .5 drop will have me in Obesity Class I.

    We discussed several other issues, including the difficulties of the long-distance issue. I told him that things are looking rosy in every aspect of my life right now. I also told him about one conversation that Leslie and I had just yesterday, that will need much further discussion. More on that in a minute.

    I am not stupid. I told the doctor that I have started jogging, and that I have been out four times in the past ten days. I told him that so far, the jogging has not affected my knee at all, and that my issues when lying down are the same – no better, but certainly no worse. He told me that it was more important now to do the imaging for it, and I went downstairs after we were done to finally have that done.

    He asked me why I prefer to jog over a brisk walk. I told him with a grin that I am a soldier, to which he replied, ‘Yes… but you are an older soldier with a lot more weight than you once carried.’ I then told him my real reasons, which are a lot more practical. Ten minutes earlier, his nurse had measured my resting heart rate at 62 bpm, which is even higher than what my fitness watch usually measures it at. It has always been so… even my commanding officers joked that I was truly cold-blooded. The point is that it takes a lot to get my heart rate up. A brisk walk might get my heart rate up to 140 bpm (I took a moment to look back, and my average heart rate during an 8.5 km walk in September was 125 bpm). On Monday’s jog, I see that my heart rate was 164 by the end of the first kilometre, and steadily climbed to 180 throughout the rest of my jog. The higher the heart rate, the higher the metabolism, the more fat burned. That’s why I jog. He was convinced but told me that we are going to keep an eye on my knee, and if it starts to get worse then I am going to have to cut back. I agreed.

    The conversation that Leslie and I had that I told him about was what will maintenance look like? At what point will I say to myself and to my doctor that, ‘I do not need to lose any more weight, because I am happy with where I am.’ From there, Leslie asked me to start thinking about how she can best support me when I am there. For example, was this program something that I could go back onto if I gain weight again? Could I just decide at any time to do it for 6-8 weeks? I told her that yes, I could do it any time I needed, but that I hoped that I would never let myself go to a point where I would need to do it for that long. I do not know what my ideal weight will be, but I know that whatever size clothes I fit into at that point will be the size that I want to wear the rest of my life. I doubt then that gaining more than ten pounds would be comfortable. These are conversations that Leslie and I will continue to have, but the truth is that until I am there, I do not know where there will be… and so I cannot be sure how she will best be able to support me. The fact that she is asking though means the world to me.

    —

    I honestly do not understand why some people join Facebook support groups for weight loss, unless it is just to brag about how well they are doing, and to make themselves feel better when they talk down to others. The interaction:

    Original Post: Second time around and I can’t find myself to stick to it… clip_image002…I need encouragement or a support buddy.

    Response: How do you suppose an Internet support person can change your behavior? This is your journey, your call. If you can’t do it admit it and try later when you ready.

    My response: that is extremely short-sighted and just bad advice. I have supported several people through their journeys. They cannot change your behaviours, but they can be there for you to talk you through challenges, they can help get you back on track when you falter, and they can celebrate your successes. If you think weight loss is just about doing it alone then why bother with support groups at all? Why is it that so many clinics that use <The program> require regular meetings and support sessions? Do you really believe that THEY cannot change your behaviour, so they must be useless? Come on… 95% of this journey is psychological and knowing that you are not alone is a HUGE support.

    I then reached out in a private message to the original poster and wrote:

    I am begging you to ignore the TERRIBLE and completely counter-productive advice of <Response>. diet buddies and supporters are HUGELY important and beneficial, and it is not JUST about accountability. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ignore her and find someone that you can have regular check-ins with, as well as being able to call them when you are weak.

    There is a weight loss support group in Toronto that used to advertise on the radio, and they ended all of their commercials with the tag, ‘If you could do it alone, you’d have done it already.’ How true is that? Yes, there are people out there who are going to be able to lose as much weight as they want, and they are going to do it on their own. I have tried and failed many times, and I have spoken to so many people over the years who are in the same boat as I am. In 2020 I organized a number of support groups where we would have our weekly check-in meetings and discuss our successes and our failures. We would learn from each other, and we would lean on each other when we felt weak. We would celebrate and commiserate. One of the women I met in one of those groups is my diet buddy today, and she and I are helping each other once again. We both failed in 2020, but in 2022-3 we are succeeding, and we check in with each other on a weekly basis. We also call or text each other when we feel weak. There have been several times one or the other has texted and said ‘HELP! This is what I’m facing!’ The other would always talk them down from the desire to cheat.

    —

    The weather will be getting progressively worse over the next few days. Even during the drive home from the doctor’s office, it was snowing. The temperatures were a little below freezing. We are under a freezing rain warning, which is never pleasant. While I might go to the gym today, knowing what the driving could be like this afternoon I am going to take a wait and see approach to that.

    I do have a lot of work to do today, both studying and preparation. I am trying to build my virtual environment to be able to do every demo that I want for my classes, but also so that I can have every tool that I might need to prepare myself for my own certifications. It is not easy, but I am up to the challenge. One more thing that the doctor and I discussed today was the dosage of my medications. I told him that most days I am okay, but there are still days when I cannot focus at all. I told him that if it’s okay, I would like to give this dosage two more weeks, and then re-evaluate then. He thought that was a good idea, but told me that if we need to, he is not opposed to increasing my dosage. I will see how that is in two weeks… the day before I fly back to Dallas. I am truly so excited about that trip that it has the potential to be all-consuming… but I am trying to be calm!

    My plan for today for activity will depend on the weather, but for food it is simple… stay the course. There is no reason for me to fall off when I have been doing so well! It is amazing to think that I have lost over 17 lbs. since January 27, the second day of my last trip to Dallas, which is twenty-five days ago. I know that pace will not continue as I lose more weight, but it is still encouraging.

    Tomorrow is Day 400 of my weight loss journey, and I have lost an absolutely astonishing 30% of my body weight. Yes, I have lost 119 lbs. in that time, and I am just amazed by those numbers. If I lose another 30% of my body weight then I will weigh under 195 lbs., which is a weight that I simply do not remember… ever. I do not know what I weighed during the Army, but I remember clearly standing on a scale a year prior to my conscription (when I was living on the kibbutz) and weighing 100 kg… 220 lbs. I was a completely different person with a very different body back then, so whether I could get below that is possible but another unknown. I only have to lose another 20% of my current body weight to get back to that number, and I look forward to seeing what I look like then… and then evaluating if I want to lose any more. If I get there, that will account for about a total drop of 43% of my original weight… and I will not be unhappy with that!

    Stay on track, stay mindful. Whether or not I exercise, I will not cheat. If 220 lbs is my ultimate goal, then I am just over 55 lbs. from reaching it. In the meantime, looking at my short-term goals from just a couple of days ago, I am one pound from dropping below 275 lbs. before I see my tailor next Thursday, which means that unless I fall off the wagon into a vat of Buffalo wings, then I will achieve that goal easily. I am 3.4 lbs. from dropping to my lowest weight from 2017, which at an average of .4 lb. per day I will achieve by next Thursday as well. Lastly, I am 5.8 lbs. from dropping below 270 lbs. before I fly to Dallas in fifteen days… which means that if I lose an average of .4 lb. per day, I will do it. At the rate that I have been losing weight over the past few weeks, I know that I can do it all… as long as I stay on track and stay mindful.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 398 (The Real One)

    Somehow, I did it again. I noticed yesterday that I had missed a day. I went back and fixed it in the journal, and later today I will take care of it in the online blog. I have no idea how tired I must have been to just skip a number. Sure enough, both my on-line and off-line entries skipped from Day 385 to Day 387. I’ll fix it today, I promise. Sheesh!

    When I set out for my jog yesterday, I was not sure if I would be able to push myself farther than I did last week. After the previous Sunday’s outing when I was able to jog the first 3km of my route, I was hoping to improve upon that two days later. I could not. I set out on much the same path as I had that day, hoping. After the first kilometre I was unsure if I would even make it to three kilometres.

    If there is one thing they teach you in the Army, it is a drive to push yourself. When I hit the 3km mark I decided to try to make it just a little bit farther… maybe 3.2km, maybe 3.5. I was shocked when I made the turn off of Appleby Line onto Upper Middle, still jogging. The pace for the last two kilometres was as unimpressive as they come, but I logged 4km at a trot, and I am taking that as a win. I stretched the remaining route home into a 3km walk and felt good when I got into the shower a few minutes later.

    One of the women I am trying to support through her journey and I spoke after I got home, and she asked if I felt that jogging sped up the weight loss process. I told her that I do not know, and that it certainly did not prevent a nearly two-pound gain after my run-in with the nachos and salsa last weekend, but other than that, I know that even if it does not help, it certainly does not hurt! It is unfortunate that this morning, after a very good jog and not a bit of cheat, my weight was still up more than half a pound. It is frustrating, but I know it is the downward trend that matters so much more than the individual points on a graph. I also know that I was not able to have a successful bowel movement this morning, which might have made at least a bit of a difference. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in at the doctor’s office, and I am hoping for another good loss… 3.5kg would be huge.

    I am on this giant push to get to my best weight ever. I want to weigh less than I remember myself ever weighing. I want to be in better shape than I have been since I was in the Army, although I know that there is no amount of weight loss or exercise that will ever help me get back into that shape again. I just want to be the best me that I can be. My email signature has the Japanese word kaizen at the bottom, which means constant incremental improvement. I do not have to make huge, giant leaps… I need to make small improvements day after day.

    Getting through class last night was harder than usual. I am not sure that is not because I jogged in the afternoon but did not increase my caloric or nutritional intake. I did not even make myself a cup of tea during the class, which means that my total caloric intake for the day was about 910 calories (between the three cups of coffee I drank I probably had a third of a cup of cashew milk between them, which would be about 8 calories), but I did not have my final meal replacement until after class, which meant that I was working on 685 calories; between the three activities I logged during the day (walking the dog, jogging, then walking) I burned 1055 calories. I doubt anyone will be surprised that I was a little light-headed by the time we took our mid-evening break. I thought about drinking my shake then but decided against it. I did drink a couple of large cups of water throughout the evening, which helped me to get through the class.

    I was exhausted by the time I finished, happy to have my evening meal replacement… which I ate far too late, and which might just be a contributing factor to this morning’s weight gain. I got into bed and spoke with Leslie for a bit, comforted by her beautiful smile and the sound of her voice. I am losing weight for myself first and foremost… but when she tells me about improvements she sees in me – even over the tiny screen of the phone – it always makes me smile. I feel ridiculous saying that when I arrive there is to be a full eighteen pounds lighter than the day I left there, an insignificant loss… when I know that eighteen pounds in thirty-six days comes out to an incredible half-pound-per-day lost. Were I to maintain that pace, I would weigh 210 lbs. by my birthday, and I would let Leslie take me out for a cheat meal without worrying about counting carbs and sugars. Maybe for my 52nd birthday we can do that.

    I am driving into Toronto today for two reasons. I will pick up my meal replacements, and I am helping a community organization with some computer issues they are having. I am happy to volunteer to help them, as long as they understand in advance that my visit is a one-time deal. I know they pay a consultant to maintain their systems, and I have never yet walked into an organization like this one where there was not a board member who ‘knows someone who works in IT’ and who makes sure that person – either a friend or a relative – gets the paid work. They can call someone like me in to advise on more complicated issues, but if I was expecting to be paid for it, I would be holding my breath for a long time… and if I was expecting them to say ‘Oh my G-d, Mitch… you are definitely better than this than our board member’s friend… we are going to fire him and hire you!’ then I might as well expect them to send a unicorn-drawn chariot to collect me. No, today’s efforts will be a one-off, and if they have the wherewithal to give me a charitable donation receipt for my work then I’ll be happy to put that against my taxes.

    I will stay on course today. I may be driving into the city to pick up my meal replacements, but I do not want to have to open the sealed box to take from there. I will bring two meal replacement pouches with me, along with my shaker bottle. How ironic would it be if I were to fall off the program because I went to get my shakes and was not prepared? No, that will definitely not happen to me. Not today. Preparedness and mindfulness will win the day. I am sure the nurse who works at the clinic will talk with me for a bit; she is very nice and chatty. If she asks, I can honestly tell her that since I saw her last on January 16, I have lost nearly seventeen pounds, and since my first day on the full fast, meal replacements only program (January 11) I have lost over 23 lbs., which comes to an average of just over .5 lb. per day. If anyone wants proof that this program works, they can just ask me! Of course, I will also tell her that includes a week in Dallas on my modified program, which makes the pace even more amazing.

    The forecast for the rest of the week does not look jogging-friendly, so tomorrow I am going to go to the gym. For two reasons, today will not be a good day for me to get out and exercise, either outside (and it should be a nice day for the morning at least) or at the gym. I have to go into the city, but also, I want to give my body a rest after yesterday’s jog. I know that last week after I jogged two days in a row, I really felt it in my quadriceps for a few days. Taking a break between outings might go a long way to preventing or at least minimizing that. If it does not, then at least I will know.

    Stay on track. Stay mindful. Succeed. That is the order of the day! Tomorrow morning, I will be seeing the doctor who will be happy to see that I continue to make progress. I suspect that if not this time, then one day over the next few visits he is going to start asking me about my plans for long-term sustainability. Platitudes like ‘mindfulness and vigilance’ are great mantras for me to follow, but at the same time I also know that they are just that, and I will have to start planning for a future which includes food… hopefully healthier foods and smarter quantities of it, but food, nonetheless. I expect he will be encouraged (as am I) by my ability to spend a week in Dallas and actually lose weight on the modified program… but what about when the program is completely over? How will I structure my meals and my meal planning? Will I have to go straight to the Internet whenever someone asks me to meet them at a restaurant? Will I be checking the nutritional values of every meal option, weighing the pros and cons? Will I ever be able to sit down at a restaurant, look at the menu and just say ‘what am I in the mood for today?’ Probably not. I am an addict, and an addict who lets himself go just a little can fall off that cliff. I suspect that app that I use that lets me know the nutritional values of every meal and every morsel will be a permanent part of my life. It is a small price to pay to get slim and to stay slim.

    Have a great day folks!