Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 382

    It is because of my lovely wife Leslie that I did not add a grocery shopping trip to my plans for today. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I was hungry for most of the afternoon and evening, despite faithfully following the program. We were chatting last night, and I told her that the keto anger is real, and that my body is fighting back against my returning to the full fast program with no real food. I told her that I have to teach tomorrow (and all week) from 9:30am to 10:00pm, and that I did not know if I would be able to get through it without breaking the full-fast, meal replacements only diet. Maybe if I added just one smaller meal back into my routine then I would be able to get through without falling. Leslie reminded me how strong I have been, and how much I have relished in my success. She reminded me that I am not weak! She did not tell me that I was strong, which some people might have thought the right positive word to use; whether it was conscious or not, reminding me of what I do not want to be gave me something to think about… and another reason to stay strong – because I do not want to be weak! It worked… I am not going shopping today. I am sticking to the program. I am strong!

    This morning I approached the bathroom scale with the words ‘Please do not be higher than yesterday!’ on my breath. I was not only thinking it, I said it out loud. After five days of weight drops, I did not want to see the trend reverse. It did not… but it was not lower either. My weight this morning is exactly what it was yesterday morning. I know that is to be expected, but as I stepped off the bathroom scale I started thinking, ‘Okay, I did not lose any weight… and that is probably because I was not able to have a bowel movement for the second morning in a row.’ Of course, that is to be expected as I am not eating solid foods… the frequency of proper bowel movements can drop to 2-3 times per week. What can you do? In the meantime, I did not lose weight this morning… but I will tomorrow morning… and if I don’t, then there is always Tuesday!

    I made a minor change when I came back to Canada the other day. I do not know how long it will last, and I do not know how much of a difference it is likely to make. I have not been adding sugar to my coffee. I definitely prefer the taste with a little sweetness, but I promised myself that when I could completely cut sugar out, I would try. I was only drinking one cup of coffee per day in Dallas (albeit a huge one) and was putting a smaller amount of sugar into it than usual. I have been missing the sweetness, but I think I can make do… as long as I continue to drink premium coffee. If I find myself at Starbucks or Tim Hortons, I suspect I’ll be back on the sweet.

    Princess Sophie impressed her vet as always. She has gained a bit of weight, and the doctor said she does not have to lose any… but also should not gain anymore. She said that as she filled her with treats to cooperate. I should mention that she has gained three pounds in the nearly four years since I rescued her, and she is a very happy little girl. I will continue to feed her the same amount of food but might cut back on the treats a little.

    I planned to take a nice nap yesterday afternoon and be refreshed to face the evening. About seven minutes after I fell asleep my phone rang, so that idea went down the drain. I had not heard from this friend in a couple of months, and it was good to catch up… even at the expense of my rest. I spent a lazy afternoon at home though… I had nothing to do, and I know what a bear this coming week is going to be, so I decided I deserve it. I am pretty sure that (after my study group) my diet buddy will come over for a cup of coffee today. After that, either Eduardo will come here for a cigar, or he and I will go to hang out with another friend. We’ll see. Originally the forecast was for 6°, but that has been revised slightly downward… and it will be windy, so I am not so excited about sitting outside. I will see what the day holds. In the meantime, the Princess and I went for a walk this morning, and it was nowhere near as uncomfortably cold as it was yesterday.

    After my aborted nap yesterday, I was hungry. I am not sure if I was really hungry, or if I was bored. I do know that I wanted to eat, and even after my evening shake, I was still hungry. I decided that it was not a good idea to go through to bedtime that hungry. I took a very small portion of pumpkin seeds that I keep to put on salads… and then I took some sugar free mints that I have. I did not devour the package, but they did help me get through the evening. I suppose with the seeds and the Ice Breakers I did technically cheat, but not terribly. I know I would rather have a small, controlled cheat than fall off the program… and I know what I have in my freezer (not to mention the pantry), so that would have been a real possibility.

    It has been weeks since I dropped below the 300-pound mark, and yet every time I think about my weight, I am thinking it will be above that. When I prepared to step onto the scale this morning, I was not looking for a drop below 285 lbs… I was looking for a drop below 315 lbs. I have mentioned so many times over the course of my journey that the psychology of weight loss can be as difficult and sometimes more so than the physical losing of the weight. It was only ten days ago when Leslie took my picture and I posted the side-by-side comparison to the first day of my program, and the difference is so obvious as to be laughable. When I am not looking at the pictures, it is still easy to think of myself as that over-350 lbs. morbidly obese man whose clothes do not fit. I write that as I sit here comfortably wearing a casual button-down shirt from Polo that has not fit in so long… and with a t-shirt underneath it to boot. The proofs are in my face, and they are obvious, but that does not always mean that my psyche has caught up. I suppose that is one of the myriad reasons that when my therapist asked last session if I really need her, I did not hesitate for a moment to reply that I did… and I do… and I will. I told her that I have lived with ADHD for my entire life, and I have only been on the medications to rein the symptoms in for six weeks. I do not yet know how to deal with not having those symptoms constantly affecting me. Likewise, I have been obese my entire post-Army life, and I do not yet know how to not be so… I know that I stopped seeing her sometime around the time I moved from Burlington to Ottawa in 2017, and it was about that time when my weight loss abated, and I started on that slippery slope to gaining weight back. There were, of course, many factors involved with that… but I cannot help but wonder if I had stayed in Burlington and in therapy, would I have regained all of the weight? Until someone invents a time machine we will never know. I am here… and I am staying in therapy because I need it. Many years ago, my uncle moved to California. Shortly thereafter he told me that he had learned there are two types of people in the world: those who need therapy, and those who do not yet know that they need therapy. I do not know if that is true, but I do know that right now I fall squarely into that first group.

    Okay, I have things to do. My study partner is running late so I can either procrastinate and write more, or I can accomplish a few more things before my delayed group starts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 381

    I have been waiting for the shoe to fall, but it has not. I fully expected that after four straight days of weight loss that had me 7.6 lbs. down, the bathroom scale (and my body) would finally correct themselves to show at least a minor gain. Not today! While the downward trend slowed, I still lost .2 lb., which puts me on the cusp of a minor milestone. At 285.0, my next drop – however minor – will take me below that number.

    I have written a great deal about major and minor milestones, both with regards to absolute numbers (e.g.: when I dropped below 300 lbs.), progress numbers (e.g.: when I had lost 100 lbs.), and most recently comparative numbers (comparing to my last weight loss attempt). Because North America thinks in the imperial system for weights, I almost neglected to see a huge milestone coming in the next few days… although I will not celebrate it officially until my weigh-in at the doctor’s office on Wednesday morning. While my bathroom scale is set to pounds, the nurse weighs me in kilograms. Doing a quick conversion, I realized just now that my current weight has me down 49.9 kilos – a mere 100g from tipping over the 50kg lost mark. Of course, when the nurse weighs me, I am fully dressed, so there is a chance that as of this morning it might be closer to 49kg. I have four more days before she weighs me, but if I stick to the program (as I fully intend to do) then I should be there. I might not let out a loud whoop there, but I will smile… and when I come back to write in this space, I will recognize it.

    I mentioned in yesterday’s journal/blog entry that the last time I lost weight, in 2020, I got from where I was yesterday to my best weight in sixty-eight days… after which I started losing ground. I decided that I was going to create a spreadsheet that I will use for as long as I need it… I copied and pasted the information for every day between July 21 and September 27 – the date, and how much I weighed. I edited it down so that there would be only one entry per day – I see that I would often step onto the scale several times per day, so I deleted all but one entry for each day – as often as possible, one that corresponded to my usual morning weigh-ins. I do not know why I would get onto the scale at 1:00am, or four times at 8:30pm. The spreadsheet has five columns: today’s date, today’s weight, my weight on the corresponding day from 2020 and the date of that weight; the fifth column is the difference between this time and last time. As yesterday’s weight is exactly what I weighed on July 21, 2020, that row looks like this:

    Date

    Weight Today

    Compare to 2020

    Weight 2020

    Date

    2/3/2023

    285.2

    0

    285.2

    7/21/2020

    2/4/2023

    285

    1.8

    283.2

    7/22/2020

    I know that the next day in 2020 I had lost two pounds, so it was not unexpected that this morning’s middle column is a positive number. I am hoping that by early next week that number is squarely and consistently in the negatives.

    I see that there are four days without a measurement (August 4-7), and I came back on August 8 nearly one pound heavier. I do not know what that is about, but I will note the same weight as the day before the absence for the comparison. If I am able to stay on the program, then it should not take me sixty-eight days to get there. While I was above and below 280 a few times between July 28 and August 12, it is clear that I was stuck on a plateau for a few weeks. I know I was eating at least one meal every day at the time, which I do not plan to do now. At least, I do not plan to eat daily meals until I drop below that best-weight-ever mark… not just the best-weight-yet territory that I keep celebrating. That is exactly twenty-five pounds lower than yesterday’s weight. I will mark my weight in the spreadsheet every day until I am below that Best Weight, and then I can delete the file.

    My plan for today is to stay on course. HRF Princess Sophie has an appointment at the vet to get her shots, which she is not at all excited about. I will bring her straight home and give her treats to make up for the ordeal. I will spend most of the afternoon at home, and I might go out this evening to see some friends and light a cigar. Tomorrow morning, I have a study group meeting in the morning, and I am reasonably sure I have a couple of tentative engagements in the afternoon, but I cannot remember what they are right now. As long as none of then revolve around food, I should be okay. The coming week is going to be a bear – I am teaching every day from 10am, and with the exception of Thursday, I teach until 9:30pm every night. I will be keeping my head down and will have very little opportunity to cheat on my diet. When the doctor’s office phoned me a couple of days ago to let me know that the doctor cannot see me Wednesday morning, but I can still come in to get weighed, I breathed a sigh of relief. I did not want to be sitting with the doctor looking at my watch. I will go early, be in first, and get out of there so that I can be back at my desk by 9:30am.

    Stay mindful; stay on course. That is my motto for the week. Tomorrow’s forecast is forecasting a high temperature of 6°, which means it will be a good day to be outside if I need to be. I am hoping to connect with a couple of other friends tomorrow afternoon for a cigar, but if that cannot happen then I just might sit on my own balcony with a cigar and my book.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 380

    Holy crap kids, it was real. In fact, not only was the extreme weight drop over the past three days real, but despite dropping seven pounds in the previous four days, I actually dropped another .6 lb. this morning. I am in absolute shock and amazement. When I stepped off the scale, moved it to another section of the floor, and got the same reading. Three weeks ago, I finally snapped a two-month plateau and dropped below the 300 lbs. mark; today I am 285.2 lbs. and dropping. I love being in best-weight-yet territory, and I am excited that I am within sight of my next huge milestones. More on that in a few minutes.

    With all of the writing that I did over the last few days, I neglected to mention something that I felt a couple of days ago. While lying in bed I realized that my arm was lying on something strange… it was my hip. It has spent the last what… two years shielded by layers of fat that I am once again shedding. It felt weird… and is another sign that I am making progress.

    Sitting in the airport terminal yesterday, I wrote my article from the food court, while nursing a large cup of coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I also had some emails that I needed to respond to, mostly because my flight delays were going to cause me to miss meetings, so I needed to reschedule them. Other than that, I was using the computer sparingly, knowing that if the battery died, I did not have a charger. Yes, I traveled to Dallas without a charger, but no it was not a mistake. Leslie has the same brand of laptop as I do, and I knew when I packed that I could just use her spare charger. What I did not know when I packed was that it would take me twenty-six hours to get home. I was so focused on what I needed to get done before my battery died that I forgot to eat the protein bar that was sitting next to my coffee cup the whole time. In fact, the airplane was in the air and the flight attendant was serving drinks by the time I realized it was 10:00am, and I had not eaten anything yet. This is something that would not have happened even a few months ago… I have always been able to wake up and do my morning routine, and even take HRF Princess Sophie for her walk before eating, but to wake up at 6:10am and not eat anything until four hours later, and not be hungry? That is new.

    I mentioned earlier that I am back in best-weight-yet territory, and that my next major milestones are in sight. That is not to say that they are within easy reach, but I know where they are, and I can look at my history and predict how long it will take me to get there… if I stay on track. The bathroom scale that I have is a smart one that not only connects to my phone, but it also keeps track of data for me. While it is not the same scale that I bought in June 2020 (which never made the trip from California to Canada), it is the same model, as is the one I bought for Leslie. As such, they all report into my same cloud account, and at the touch of a button, it exports all of my historical weigh-in data dating to June 21, 2020… the day that I stepped onto it for the first time. I downloaded that historical data this morning and see that on July 21, 2020, I weighed exactly what I weigh today. It took me sixty-eight days to drop to the lowest weight I would see: 260.4 lbs. on September 27. It was not a straight downward drop, but in just over two months I lost the 24.8 lbs. that would take me to my best. If I can follow that same trend, then on April 12 I will be back there. Looking at the Hebrew calendar, Monday next week is Tu Bishvat (the New Year for Trees). April 12 is the second to last day of Passover. I could actually be at my lowest weight ever by the end of Passover… if I stay mindful and on track, and do not fall off the program. That is very exciting!

    I had to reset my fitness watch this morning. It was completely crashed, and I had to reset it, break the connection to my phone, and then re-sync everything. I do not think that it is dead, and I hope it can give me a few more months before I have to replace it. It also dawned on me that nearly four years ago, I asked my Facebook community for recommendations on new ones because after using Fitbit for nearly a decade, I was not going to buy another. This Garmin watch has lasted me longer than any two (or possibly even three) Fitbit devices had. I am glad that the reset fixed everything, and unless I notice any other weird behaviour from it, I will continue to wear it as I lose even more weight!

    Today is a good day to stay inside. While it is sunny, the wind chill this morning registered at -30° Celsius, and the high is forecast at -13° (but still windy). Tomorrow’s forecast is much warmer, and by Sunday the forecast high is 6°. I took HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk this morning, which she agreed should be a short one. Even wearing her fancy coat, she was not impressed by the cold. There will be another brief walk later in the day, but she and I both agreed that today is a good day to hibernate. We can go out for a longer walk when it warms up. It does not have to be a lot warmer… tomorrow’s -3° will be fine and Sunday will be better… but today is a good day to stay inside. As I am still exhausted from the last few days, I have no problem with that. My plan is to stay on track with my full-fast meal replacement program, and to drink coffee to keep me somewhat warm… and somewhat awake. When she does need to go out, I will once again dress in layers and bundle up. Every Canadian knows that is the secret to extreme cold. That, and also minimizing the time you spend outside.

    Have a great day folks!

  • You Are Kidding Me, Right?

    There are many days on the weight loss program when I look at the numbers on the bathroom scale and say that. ‘You’re kidding me, right?’ More often than not, those are bad days… the days when I have followed the program religiously, but either lost no weight or worse… actually gained weight. There are also days (like yesterday morning) when I look at the scale in shock, seeing a number so low as to astound me. Yes, I had been good on the program… but to see a drop of two pounds day-over day, after the previous day’s drop of 2.6 lbs., is pretty surprising. Don’t get me wrong, I did not complain; I was simply expecting this morning’s numbers to correct that somewhat.

    After a sleepless night in a hotel in Queens, followed by a relatively uneventful flight, I was in my apartment in Burlington, Ontario (about a 40-minute drive from the airport) by about 12:20pm. I unpacked and then walked down the hallway to my neighbour’s apartment to pick up HRF Princess Sophie, and to chat for a few minutes. It was thirty minutes from walking in the front door until I got undressed and stepped onto the scale. I knew before I did that I should not have much faith in whatever number the bathroom scale showed me because of all of the travel and disorientation, not to mention that it was nearly five hours later in the day than I usually weigh myself. Whatever the number would be, I would take it at face value.

    It is difficult to accept that after two straight days of huge day-over-day drops that for a third straight day the scale registered a drop of over two pounds. You really have to be kidding me. I know I was mostly good for the week in Dallas, and considering everything that happened over the past thirty-six hours (mostly resulting from an ice storm in Dallas that threw my well-planned travel plans into a cross-shredder) I know I was really good yesterday and this morning… but I cannot believe for a minute that I not only weigh less than I did the last couple of days, but I am also a full five pounds lighter than I was the morning I left for Dallas. It simply makes no sense, especially knowing that Friday morning – two days after that last Canadian weigh-in – I had gained 2.2 lbs. Certainly not with the knowledge that Friday evening Leslie and I went out to a Chinese restaurant, or that Sunday I ate meatless burgers with bread and sweet potato fries. Absolutely not possible, knowing that Monday morning (four days ago) I weighed a full seven pounds more than I do right now. It is simply not believable.

    I stepped off the scale and made a beeline for the kitchen, where I prepared my first Canadian meal replacement shake since last Wednesday; when it was ready, I brought it over to my workstation, fired it up, and started trying to make sense of that which just does not make sense. I know that tomorrow morning, after a good night sleep, at the right time of the morning, and with eighteen hours separating me from my last airplane ride, the number will be real and true.

    I have to assume that tomorrow morning I will weigh at least slightly more than I did at 12:45pm today, but in truth I do not know what it will be. All I know is that right now, at 1:15pm on Thursday, February 2, 2023, I weigh less than I have since January 27, 2021 – almost two years to the day – when I was on that slippery slope. At the time, I was only 25 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever… but it would only keep getting worse until just about one year later when I was 135 lbs. heavier than my best weight. Just like it took me nearly a full year to gain the rest of that weight back, it has taken me slightly more than a year to get back down to it.

    This time I am not getting off the ride. It will be hard work to stay on it, but my goal is to keep losing weight until I am slim, and then work my tail off every single day to stay there.

  • Day 379

    Yesterday did not go as planned, but I suppose it went about as well as I expected it to. In the end, my plane from Dallas landed just in time to watch my flight to Toronto take off, and I was rebooked onto the first flight out this morning, which meant a night in a hotel. Despite the mechanical issues with the aircraft (that had to be changed), the airline insisted the delay was weather-related, so I was on the hook for my own hotel. I will fight that, but as of now, the delays cost me USD$275 out of pocket.

    I had a decision to make. I one protein bar left which I could have eaten at hotel last night, but I thought I would be smarter sitting down for dinner and then eating it in the morning. The restaurant at the hotel was quite nice, and I ordered a Cobb Salad… no bacon, no blue cheese (dressing or crumbles), with a balsamic vinaigrette. Of course, the hotel restaurant did not have the nutritional values available, but my app showed me a list of them ranging from 250 to 688 calories, and I assume that. While it is high in fat, the carbs are reasonable, and the protein is great. For obvious reasons I did not have the opportunity to weigh myself this morning, but I am confident that I did not veer too badly from my modified plan.

    I did not sleep well at all. I got into bed at a reasonable hour, and rather than watching television I opened my e-book reader and read my cheap detective novel until my eyes were tired. I tried to sleep but sleep just would not come. Not only had I requested a wake-up call, but I also set both phone alarms, so I knew that I was not going to oversleep and miss my flight. I do not think it was stress, although there is some of that. At 1:30am I was finally out, and when I woke up, I was sure that it would be a few minutes before my wake-up call. I lay in bed waiting for the shrill of my alarms or the phone. After a few minutes I looked to see if I had any flight notifications on the phone, only to discover it was 2:35am. I took the opportunity to void my bladder once more, and then tossed and turned for another 30-40 minutes. When my alarm actually did go off, I am happy to say that I was able to get out of bed on the first ring, no snooze button required.

    I am sitting in the food court of LaGuardia’s Terminal B. My flight is still 85 minutes from departure, which means that I have plenty of time to sit down and write my thoughts. Yesterday’s (modified) Cobb Salad and the bag of almonds I ate on the airplane were not really on the program, but neither should cause any damage to my weight loss program. Two days of airplanes might, but that should not be too bad. I will weigh myself when I get home this afternoon. I know that is not a great idea because I will have been on the road, and the time shift from my usual morning weigh-ins will not be a true comparison to yesterday, but whatever it will be I will accept, and know that tomorrow’s will be better. I will not get upset with the numbers on the bathroom scale today because of that, and the travel factor.

    I want to say that as stressful as this travel ordeal might have been, it is good to know that I am in the home stretch, and I should be arriving at my own apartment within the next five hours. It is even better to know that with all of the crap I have not fallen off the program. It is trials like this that make for perfect and understandable reasons to fall off the wagon. I read about that all the time from members of my Facebook groups… stress causes us to fail. Well folks, I have been stressed, and I have not failed! If the worst that I can say is that I polished off a small bag of almonds and a Cobb Salad, then I am claiming victory. Despite everything going on – with travel and other stuff – I chose continuing to lose weight over the familiar comforts of bad food choices. If that is not huge then I do not know what is!

    Let me catalog a couple of non-scale victories while I am at it. Not only do I do not need a seatbelt extension on the airplane, but I also no longer feel like my fat is encroaching on my seatmates. I sat in the window seat of a three-seat section on yesterday’s plane and did not feel bad. I always choose the aisle seat for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I want to be able to stand up without disturbing anyone. I would be lying if I said that being squished against the bulkhead and still encroaching on my neighbour is a huge part of that – there is simply no way to escape it. Yesterday I did not feel that guilt at all. Yes, I took the armrest – I will be a big guy even perfectly slim, and the man in the middle section was… petite. That was not a weight issue. Additionally, the shower in the hotel room was very nice, but very streamlined. It was two tile-widths from side to side, and the tiles were probably 10” wide. I did not feel cramped, and I was happy that I was not up against either side as I took a comfortable wake-up shower this morning.

    I should mention that there is something wrong with the way the airlines handle luggage when you miss your connecting flight (and it is their fault). I do not think there is an easy solution to this, but I still need to mention it. While it saves all sorts of hassles that they did not have me collect my suitcase and then recheck it this morning, it would have been considerate to give me that option. One of the first things I like to do at the end of a long travel day is to take off my travel-soiled clothes and put on something fresh. I hate that I am sitting in the airport in yesterday’s clothes… all of them, head to toe. I can assure you that as soon as I get home, I will be stripping them off and getting into the shower. Additionally, my medications are in my luggage… and the cheap plastic razor the hotel graciously gave me would not come close to the shave of my kit that also spent the night at LaGuardia. I looked at it for two minutes before deciding to fly unshaven, and to give myself a real clean-up when I get home. I am teaching this evening, so I will be putting on my jacket and tie anyways. I might as well get properly clean ahead of that.

    Oh, and I had to cancel a meeting because of the travel. I have a very important meeting with a company that I am hoping to do business with, and with the flight mess-ups, my only option to take it today would have been to get off the airplane and find a quiet corner in the terminal… before even clearing Customs or getting my luggage. Fortunately, the gentleman I am meeting with was able to fit me in for next week.

    My plans for today are to get on track the minute I get home. I have my protein bar for now, and when I arrive home, I will immediately shift back to the meal replacement shakes and the full-fast of my program. It will be the first time I will have resumed the program mid-day, rather than waiting for the next day to start over. I do not want to worry about what food options I have in the house… or preparing them. It will not be easy, and I am glad that I am allowing myself coffee on the full-fast. I am teaching until 10:00pm this evening, and I know the first day of full-fast I might get grumpy. Coffee will mitigate that somewhat.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Delays and Temptations

    It took an extra 90 minutes in the terminal, including a gate change (and aircraft change) but I am on the plane waiting for boarding to complete so that we can take off and get out of here. That 90 minute delay was stressful, exacerbated by not knowing when we would take off and if I would make my connection in New York. I really want to get home tonight.

    The extra stress made it extra hard to not cheat. While my plan was to wait until we were in the air before enjoying my protein bar, we were supposed to be in the air 90 minutes ago, and I did not think the stress and the delays and the hunger, mixed with all of the temptations I mentioned in my previous post, made for a good combo for staying faithful to my weight loss program. Modified as the program might be, there are few healthy and smart options available from the convenience stores that litter every airport terminal in North America (and most of the world).

    We should be arriving in New York shortly before 7:00pm, which will give me just enough time to walk the six gates to my connecting flight. If I was worried I might need to eat at LaGuardia, I now know I will not have time. While I am not supposed to restart my full fast program until tomorrow, the protein bars I brought with me, along with the package of raw almonds I have in my bag, will make it close enough to full-fast.

    Tomorrow morning I will be on my full fast program, which will be easier because I have all of the meal replacements I need at home. While I do not know if I will have lost weight tomorrow because of the travel, it is highly unlikely that I will weigh as much as I did a week ago this morning when I last stepped onto my Canadian bathroom scale. I said from the beginning that anything less than a two-pound gain would be a victory. An actual loss will be huge for me!

    Boarding is almost complete and we are just going to the deicing area before taking off, but then we will be on our way. Getting out of Dallas and the veritable ice storm they are recovering from will be a relief. I already miss Leslie, but that cannot be helped. Hers is the only bed I prefer sleeping in to my own… but until things are approved, our monthly visits are still a godsend. As it stands, at least I might sleep in my own bed tonight…

  • On My Way… I hope.

    After taking a very dangerous slip at the kerb at the bottom of the stairs from the apartment (from which I recovered unharmed and without falling), I walked to the corner where the Uber was going to be waiting for me. Sure enough, he was late, but that is perfectly understandable. It was not only the walkway that is solid ice – the sidewalks and roads were a solid sheet of ice up until we got onto the PGBT highway. That I had to wait in the ‘cold’ for six minutes was much less an inconvenience than would have been his crashing and not being able to pick me up. The drive to the airport was slower than it ever has been, but again, that was perfectly understandable. Leslie was not kidding when she told me that I might not be able to get to the airport at all! The roads were exactly as bad as she predicted they would be. By the grace of G-d, I arrived safe and sound.

    I checked in with the airline and sailed through security. I was not sure if the weather was going to cause the airport to be a mob scene or a ghost town, so I wanted to arrive as early as I could. That everything went smoothly was great, but that left me a lot of time to sit patiently. I was going to find a Starbucks, but there is another restaurant – Chili’s – across from my gate. Their coffee is just as caffeinated as it is at Starbucks, and the Internet is just as unreliable. The only problem is that I had two hours to kill… with a lot of temptations everywhere I looked.

    Kuchisabishii!

    Leslie and I both have a love of Japanese culture and language. Last night she introduced me to a word I was not familiar with (not surprising, since I do not speak the language). Kuchisabishii (口寂しい)  is defined as ‘When you are not hungry, but you eat because your mouth is lonely.’ How many times have I told her I was going to eat something, and she asked if I was hungry or bored? I think this word is less about boredom and more about loneliness and sadness, but those are two emotions that I a feeling right now as I sit at the airport, less than 2.5 hours from when I hugged my wife for the last time until… when? I do not even know when I will see her again. It is common that we see each other every month, but that is still a month until I can hold her again… and that makes me sad and lonely.

    I have walked through airport terminals on every continent, and without exception there is temptation everywhere you look. Whether I am sitting at Chili’s on my laptop (with the tasty and extremely unhealthy foods that the very nice Darryl will bring me just for asking), or walking through the terminal, there are scores of opportunities to cheat. Would it be so bad? The food would help me to feel a little better, if only for a few minutes. Who would know?

    I would know. My weight loss program is not about show, and lying in my journal would not help me if I stepped onto the bathroom scale tomorrow morning to discover I gained weight because I was weak. As it stands, it is likely that I will have to purchase a snack along the way – either on the airplane or at LaGuardia – because the travel day that was supposed to be a direct flight to Toronto (3.5 hours) is longer than I thought (8 hours from taking off at DFW to landing at YYZ, not accounting for travel to the airport, waiting at the airport, collecting my luggage, clearing Customs, and traveling home). I do not know if the three protein bars that I packed will be enough to get me through. I will try to stay true to my program so that when I step onto the bathroom scale tomorrow morning I will weigh less than I did this morning… even though I spent the day on airplanes and in airports.

    My mouth is bored, sad, and lonely. Frankly, so is the rest of me. I am now sitting at the gate, but Chili’s is only fifty feet away… not to mention the myriad other shops and restaurants that will gladly sell me chips and chocolates and candies and and and… but I am not going anywhere until they call my boarding group. The sign reads that boarding will start in nine minutes, and while I know there are other temptations on the airplane, I am going to stay strong… no matter how bored and sad and lonely my mouth is. I have a protein bar to devour the moment the flight attendant brings me a cup of coffee… and I decline the proffered cookies or pretzels. My mouth might be all of those things, but despite it all I am reminding myself to stay mindful and remember the mission I am on… to lose weight and to keep it off. I cannot do that if I do not stay true to my program. I might, depending on availability, sit down and have a salad at LaGuardia… as long as I can find something that is healthy and nutritious, and not detrimental to my program. That would be the extent of my program deviation… and really, it would not actually be a deviation, as I had always planned to restart my full-fast program tomorrow morning.

    Okay, the gate attendant just announced that boarding will be delayed because the crew is not here yet… but they are on their way from their hotel, so as long as we are not waiting for them on an incoming flight, it should not be too long of a delay. I am crossing my fingers because the longer I am here, the better the chips at the convenience store are looking. G-d give me the strength to get on the plane without testing me too badly.

  • Day 378

    (This was written Tuesday afternoon)

    My partial program might be extended by a couple of days. I received notification from American Airlines that my flight tomorrow has been canceled. They currently have me booked to fly out an hour later (with 2.5-hour layover in LaGuardia, instead of my direct flight), but that might change. Right now I am hoping to get home… if not on time, then at least on the right day. Staying one extra day means staying two extra days because I have teaching commitments on Thursday that I cannot change and I cannot miss. Sometime in the next hour or two I will receive a callback from American Airlines to discuss my options. Leslie is worried that if they book me for Wednesday, will I even be able to get to the airport. She knows the roads and city much better than I do, and if she says that the roads might not be drivable then I have to trust her. That will be part of my conversation with the ticketing agent. In the meantime, I do not have meal replacements for another day (let alone two), so if I do not get out Wednesday, then Thursday (and Friday) I will be switching them out for protein bars… and trying to eat healthy despite the situation (Leslie’s son comes home Wednesday, and the meal planning has been with him in mind). While it would be nice to have a couple of extra days with Leslie, I just have too many things that are working against that being a good idea… if at all possible.

    It is now Wednesday morning, and I am packed and waiting for my Uber to arrive. It should be here in 90 minutes, and aside from my laptop, I have packed everything. As it was on my trip down, I have a single suitcase with a single carry-on. My flight status is showing on time, and it begins boarding in 4h19m. As it is not an international flight, I do not need to arrive three hours early… but I want to get there with plenty of time to spare. The airport will likely be a madhouse because of all of the cancellations. I am as nervous as I have been for any flight in recent memory… with the exception of when I was not sure about coming back into the United States. Weather does not usually get me nervous… but I am used to being familiar with all of the parameters. It is snowing in Texas, and all bets are off.

    After yesterday’s tremendous weight drop, I was not expecting a good number this morning. I expected to see a correction, either staying where I was, or possibly even taking a half-pound back. I was mostly good yesterday, and I say mostly because I was not able to have my usual salad for lunch because the Salad and Go outlet was closed due to weather. Instead, lunch consisted of two Boca ‘chicken-but-really-vegan’ patties with Buffalo sauce and mozzarella cheese and a small salad. The chicken patties were actually very tasty, and I was very happy to see that the total calories for the two was 450, with 24g of carbohydrates. Yes, that includes the sauce and the cheese! The salad was lettuce, tomato, onion, with craisins and a couple of pickled veggies on it, with a little bit of Ranch dressing. I think, all in all, I did pretty well on that meal. I will try to remember it when I am off the full-fast program.

    I made the right decision in not having either patty as a sandwich, so there were no extra carbs. I was also pleasantly shocked when Leslie pointed out the sauce had no sugar added. Aside from the lunch, I also drank two sweet teas and a glass of iced tea, all of which was sweetened. Other than that, I had two protein bars – one in the late afternoon, the other in the early evening). Still, I was not sure what to expect from the bathroom scale this morning. Knowing that I was on the cusp of hitting a decade milestone, I asked Leslie last night if she would join me when I stepped onto the bathroom scale… just in case. I thought it unlikely that I would drop below 290 lbs., but I wanted her there to share it with me if I did. We walked to the bathroom with no expectations. I put my phone (with the scale-connected app open) on the counter behind me, and I stepped onto the scale. Her reaction was one of shock, and I thought I was going to turn around and see I had gained back the 2.6 lbs. that I lost yesterday. Far from it – I looked at the phone and saw the numbers 288.2 lbs. I wiped it clean and waited for the scale to reset and stepped onto it again. Sure enough, with the absolutely stable and reliable floors of her bathroom, the numbers showed a two-pound drop from yesterday. Holy crap!!

    Before I left Canada I decided that I would be back on my modified program and would have a couple of cheat meals with my wife. I had not seen her in a couple of months, and I wanted to be able to take her out on a couple of date nights, and to cook for her… and to eat with her. I made the decision then that a successful trip (with regard to my weight management) would be to gain no more than two pounds, and when I returned to Canada, I would resume the full-fast program and take them off. It never occurred to me that I would be returning to Canada 2.5 lbs. lighter than I left! Of course, that is not wholly accurate. As Leslie rightly pointed out, I tend to gain weight on travel days. Despite the fact that I have prepared by packing three protein bars in my carry-on bag, it is often just the travel that does it. Also, I know I am cutting it close with that – any delays or cancellations will mean having to make smart choices about what to buy to keep myself on track. I might gain weight from the travel day, but if I can step onto the bathroom scale tomorrow morning and weigh less than (or the same as) I weighed the day that I left then it will be a huge success. Of course, it is still a big if regarding getting home today. The flight from LaGuardia to Toronto should be routine with regard to the weather… there may be the usual delays out of New York City, but there is no weather predicted. As soon as my flight out of DFW takes off, I will breathe a sigh of relief. Until then, I know there is a chance I am staying here until Friday… without meal replacement shakes to keep me safe.

    I wrote yesterday about a post on a Facebook support group for my program, and my response to it. Later in the day, the following response was sent by someone else:

    The secret and science to losing weight and maintaining it after <the program> is your very first meal of the day must be protein only. Even after you eat this first protein meal of the day, your body will continue to dip into the “stored fat” for energy and lose weight. The 2nd meal must be either be protein or protein and veggies. Again your body will continue to dip into the “stored fat” for energy and you will not gain but lose weight. Your 3rd meal you can introduce some carbs but be smart about it. The very moment you swallow those carbs is the very moment your body stops using your “stored fat” for energy and uses the carbs for energy and the very moment your body will stop losing weight.

    So if you are off <the program> and your very first and second meal has carbs in it……you are doomed right there for losing weight and will gain. It is simple but extremely difficult I know. It sucks but it is how our bodies works.

    While this might or might not be good advice, I am always weary about anyone who gives advice with ‘the secret and science.’ If the secret to losing weight and staying slim could be summarized so neatly into four paragraphs, we would all do it and stay slim forever. I have written in this journal many times that what I have to do, what I must do, how I must be… but that is what I feel I must do. What is right for me might not be right for someone else. With that said, the idea looks interesting, and it is something I might look at further. I am reticent to believe that having vegetables with your protein in the morning would be detrimental to the ketosis, but I am neither a doctor nor a scientist. I will see if I can speak with one and ask about it. I can imagine that my breakfasts will consist mostly of eggs, and that the breakfast cereals we grew up knowing are healthy and good for you are really not… but not being able to add vegetables into an omelet sounds a bit extreme. Who knows? Maybe that is true, and what I need to do for the rest of my life actually is that extreme. We’ll see.

    The Uber is one hour away, and I am ready to brace myself and face the cold. No, it is not the sort of cold that I am used to, but I made the (now clearly incorrect) decision to leave my winter jacket and boots at home. It never occurred to me that I would be dealing with temperatures of -4° with falling snow. Couple that with the fact that we live in a gated community, so I will have to walk the 200m to meet the Uber outside the gate, and I’ll be a bit chilly. I will also have to contend with similar weather in Toronto, but it is what it is. I made the decision and now I will live with it. No good Canadian has ever died because of a few minutes of cold temperatures! Well, they have… but there are usually underlying conditions involved, or the temperatures are much colder, or they are exposed for much longer periods. No matter, our hero will not be thwarted! I will run from the shelter of Pearson International Airport to my Uber, and then from the Uber into the warmth of my apartment!

    All this to say that I remain optimistic that tomorrow I will be writing my daily article from the comfort of my workstation in Canada, with HRF Princess Sophie curled up until it is time for her to go play with Charlie. If I do not get home today, then I will see you back here (from Dallas) tomorrow… and Friday morning as well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 377

    Responding to a Facebook post

    I find it amazing that I am finding myself the voice of reason and good advice for people trying to lose weight. How can someone who has failed so many times be that? It is because we learn from our failures, and experience is what you get right after you needed it… while wisdom is what comes after spending hours, days, or weeks analyzing those experiences.

    This morning before I even opened my Weight Loss Journal I checked Facebook, and I saw the following post from someone in one of my support groups.

    So last year I did <program> and Saxenda diet/lifestyle change. Then the opportunity came up to do a round of IVF. I had to stop the Saxenda which in turn fell off the shakes and back to all carb diet. (Sadly it didn’t work) From September 1st to yesterday (January 30) I gained 53 pounds. Back on everything 1 day and 7 pounds of water gone. And my foot is still swollen. The part that gets me and all doctors just ignore it, but from Dec 12 to Yesterday was 30 pounds. That works out to 10 pounds every 2 weeks. Is this normal for others? Am I the only one? And no I don’t eat a lot of food just the wrong kinds. I should add not the first time that has happened to me either. I just don’t get it.

    I gave it a little thought, realizing immediately her huge mistake… I then took my time to draft the following response. (Note that in both the original post and in my response I have redacted the name of the program, but I have left the name of her medication in)

    Hi Jessica. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I have learned from experience that the minute I reintroduce carbs into my diet, I will gain weight in a big hurry if it goes unchecked. I do not know how old you are, but if you are trying to get pregnant then you are younger that I am. When I was growing up, we were always taught that FAT IS BAD. Well guess what? The experts have changed their tune completely over the past few decades. The real enemies to weight loss are carbohydrates, starches, and sugars. That is why we <on this program> see such tremendous success on the program… initially. When you drop from 100-200g of carbs per meal to 75.2g per day, your body reacts by looking for other sources of energy… namely, our body fat. Our bodies LOVE carbs and starches… and that is a really easy source of energy for them when it is available. When you write that you switched back to an all-carb diet, your body was having a field day! I am visiting with my wife this week and have taken a break from the program. I am cooking most nights, but we also planned for a couple of meals out. The first night we had sushi, and I went nuts… and I paid for it the following morning by gaining 2lbs in one day. For our Friday evening out, we were going for Chinese food. What I would have liked to eat (I checked) had 2100 calories and 220g of carbs. What I DID eat was 950 calories and 47g of carbs. Had I eaten what I wanted to, I would have gained another 2-3lbs the next morning. Instead, I was down .6lbs. IN SHORT: Yes, it is perfectly normal and dare I say REALLY EASY to gain 5lbs per week on an all-carb diet. I HATE it… I hate the fact that I have lost over 100lbs 3 times and gained it all back twice (and each time in less than 15 months). If you read my blog, you will see what I go through… I write about my triumphs and failures every day, as well as all of the emotions that go with them.

    These are lessons that have taken a long time to learn, and I can only hope that I will not only remember them when times are good, but when I need to. I have to remember that my number one goal once I have lost the weight is mindfulness. If I can remember these (and the myriad other lessons that I have learned about losing weight and keeping it off) then I can live a happy and slim life… once I get there. No, I am not there yet.

    I did not eat properly yesterday, but it was one of those weird days when it went the other way. I had my meal replacement in the morning, a Thai salad with tofu from Salad and Go for lunch, and I made a scrumptious dinner of salmon (essentially the same recipe as Saturday, except I marinated the salmon all afternoon) and an air-fried cauliflower that I cut up, drizzled with oil, and seasoned with Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning. That’s all I ate. On a normal day, I would have had a protein bar in the afternoon, and possibly another one in the evening. When I say I did not eat properly, I mean I did not eat enough. Whether I am following the Canadian or the American program, I am supposed to be eating either four or five times per day. The theory is that when we eat smaller meals more frequently, our body continues to burn the calories throughout the day. I am not disappointed, but I will try to not do it again.

    Yesterday morning I dropped off a couple of packages at the post office, then I spent a couple of hours at my cigar lounge with a cigar and a cup of coffee. I wrote (or started to write) a technical article for my professional blog which I have been meaning to do for a few days. I left the lounge precisely on schedule. As per the plan, I picked up salads for Leslie and I for lunch. She asked me to pick up a couple of things at the grocery store, but when I went to check out, there was a 45-minute wait. I left my order on the side and walked right out. When I got home, Leslie told me that it would be crazy all day for a couple of days because of the weather. I told her that whatever chaos there might be, I would go back after we ate. I did just that and was relieved to find out that the reason the store was such a madhouse before was only partly due to the weather, but also due to a computer issue that had shut down most of the self-checkout kiosks. By the time I went back, the issue had been resolved. The store was still a madhouse, but the lines were more reasonable. I was out the door in under twenty minutes.

    I worked on my article in the afternoon as Leslie worked, and then I made our dinner. It was too cold to sit outside with a cigar, but we were still surprised that the schools, city services, and essentially all of Dallas was closing today! I was laughing then, but not now… the precipitation started around 8:30am, and while the weather report says it is snowing, from my perch across the room from the window it looks more like freezing rain. In Canada we would not think twice about it… but we are not only used to it, we are also prepared for it. There would be trucks salting the roads, and everyone has winter tyres. I had originally thought I might spend a couple of hours at the lounge today, but I think the farthest I will venture out is to pick up salads for our lunch.

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning to a real shock. I was disappointed yesterday morning when I gained 1.4 lbs. from the previous day. Today I was completely floored to see a 2.6 lbs. drop from yesterday. That not only puts me below my pre-trip weight, but it also puts me squarely into best-weight-yet territory. This was a complete and total shocker that had both Leslie and me slack-jawed but happy about it. To solidify that, I am teaching this evening so my plans for solid foods are to have a salad for lunch, but meal replacements for the rest of the day.

    Okay, my plans just got waylaid. Salad and Go is closed today (along with most of the city) due to the weather. Leslie and I will have chicken burgers for lunch, and I will make a salad to eat with it. That change is not going to affect my plans greatly – even if I put my burger between two slices of bread, that will be my only significant carbs for the day, and I can still lose weight tomorrow morning. It is very exciting to know that if I lose just .4 lb. more, I will have crossed into the next decade… this morning’s reading was 290.2 lbs.! I would be thrilled if I could celebrate that milestone with Leslie. Of course, I know that today’s massive drop means that there is a very good chance that no matter how good I am on the program today, I will be in for a rude correction tomorrow. My hopes then are that eating right today will balance out that correction, and I can stay the same. We will see what tomorrow brings… I just know that I have to be good every day, so that the downward trend continues. I have to remind myself every day and with every meal that being mindful is the key to my success. Being cognizant of what I choose to eat – and how much of it – is how I will continue to lose weight.

    The snow continues to fall, and all of Dallas is closed down. There will be no cigars today (although that was never really a certainty anyways) and it is unlikely that either of us will leave the house. In the evening I will teach, but before that I will sadly pack my suitcase. Unless the weather dictates otherwise, tomorrow morning Leslie will drive me to the airport and I will fly back to Canada. I hate leaving her. I hope we can at least have a nice evening together once my class is over.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 376

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning and I swore at it. While it is probably okay for me to eat all the rice I ate at lunch, and it might even be okay to have all the bread and starches that I ate at dinner, it is certainly not okay for me to do both in one day. Or at least, not if I expect to lose weight. Up 1.4 lbs. from yesterday.

    Leslie and I had our leftovers for lunch, which for me consisted of her leftover Buddha’s Feast and brown rice from our Chinese meal. Oh it was so good! That was bookended by a meal replacement shake for breakfast and a protein bar mid-afternoon, and I was not hungry again until it was time for us to prepare dinner. Leslie took the reins in the kitchen and made us a cheat-meal which we had discussed before, and which was so good! She air-fried meatless burgers and sweet potato fries. I ate two burger patties, the first of which I had on a yummy bread that has 27g of carbohydrates per slice, but zero sugar. The second patty I ate without the bread, only with the veggies and a bit of mustard and ketchup. Was it an opulent meal for my weight loss program? Yes. Do I think it will hurt me? I do not; in fact, I think that having the cheats I have these last few days will help me to restart my full-fast program on Thursday, knowing that I was able to enjoy them again… and what I have to look forward to when I start eating proper foods again.

    My plans for today are to drop a couple of packages off at the post office; I do not want to forget and then either have to ship them from Canada or ask Leslie to do it. I will also spend an hour or two at my cigar lounge, enjoying a cigar and seeing some of the boys… and meeting some of the ones I have not yet met. Leslie has to work during the day, and anyways it is too cold outside for us to sit out comfortably. For those of you who are thinking that Dallas does not get nearly as cold as Burlington Canada does, I should mention that a) I have a propane heater on my balcony in Canada, and b) I brought neither my winter jacket nor my scarf with me, so sitting out in 4° weather is not an appetizing thought. After dinner, I asked Leslie what she wanted to do, and she asked if I wanted to go outside to freeze with a cigar. When I told her that I could be convinced, she made it quite clear that though I might have, she has not taken leave of her sanity. The cigar lounge it is, if I plan to smoke at all.

    Leslie is on calls until 1:30pm, so I am going to get out of her way… but have scheduled to leave the lounge in time to pick up salads for lunch and be home exactly in time for that last meeting to end. Because I am teaching tomorrow, this evening will be our last sit-down dinner together, and I will cook the salmon. I do not know what side dish we will have, but as long as we do not have the bread and sweet potato fries that we had last night, I should be okay.

    Leslie has a beanbag chair in her living room that we call the poof. It is big enough for both of us to snuggle in quite comfortably, and it has always been her favourite napping spot. We have sat in it a few times this week, and I realized that for the first time ever, I am able to stand up out of it without much effort. I remember the last few times I tried, I had to get onto my knees on the floor and then hold on to something. This is another huge non-scale victory for me. Keep them coming folks, I am happy to collect as many of those NSVs as I can!

    For those of you who are wondering, I am still within my ‘victorious’ range on this trip. I have said since before I left Canada that if I gain two pounds or less while I am here then it will be a victory. I am right there… bot not higher. Tomorrow’s numbers will be lower, and so will Wednesday’s.

    Have a great day folks!