Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • On Obesity, the Body Mass Index, and Really Bad Advice

    I have a friend that I have known over a decade who told me recently that her doctor told her that she was clinically obese, and that he wanted to put her on weight loss medications. She was furious, claiming that he did not understand that her muscle weighs more than fat, and that she is actually in really good shape. She asked how she could be in such good shape, and still be obese.

    I am obese. I am what is classified by Health Canada as Obese class II, which means that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is between 35.0 and 39.9. A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece called STOP THE PRESSES! I AM OBESE! I wrote this the day that I realized that I dropped out of the classification of Severely Obese (which had previously been called Morbidly Obese). I am looking forward to achieving my next huge milestone, which will be to fall into the Obesity Class I category, which will mean that my BMI is below 34.9. For perspective, today my BMI is 36.1, and on February 1 it was 37. I have lost 6.6 lbs. in that time frame. As I lose the weight, my BMI drops, and I can see my progress, as well as the health benefits from into the lower classification.

    In other words, it is a great tool for those who are overweight and need to lose weight.

    My friend is not overweight. She is extremely muscular, and from her Facebook pictures (of which there are many) she does not look overweight to me. She does not feel overweight. Yet her doctor, who is not a weight loss specialist, looks at her and says that she needs to lose weight.

    The BMI is flawed in that it takes into account two factors only: height and weight. If you are this height, and you weigh this much, then this is your BMI, and you are either obese or not. We have known for decades that muscle weighs more than fat. How then can we say that a man who is 6’2” tall and 225 lbs. of solid muscle is obese? If his twin brother was the same height and weight, but was out of shape with a paunch, then that classification would make sense. To call someone obese based on a chart that accounts height versus weight just does not work.

    When I was going to weight management clinics in the past, the specialists taught us that the BMI is a flawed system. It works for those who are truly fat, but it cannot be applied equally to those who are in good shape. Why then would a doctor look at a patient, having obviously examined them thoroughly, and tell them, ‘According to this chart you need to lose weight.’? It is going to accomplish nothing other than to give the patient a complex. When people are told by their friends that they are overweight it hurts their feelings. When a doctor says it, that means that it must be true, and it can adversely affect their psyche. I do not know what psychological effects this misdiagnosis will have on my friend, but I know that it was weighing on her mind enough that she was complaining about it to me on a Saturday night.

    Doctors know that their words are, for many patients, gospel. If they say the patient is fat then it does not matter what size jeans they wear, that’s it. As such, they should know that there are other factors to a healthy weight than just the numbers on a chart, and if they do not then they should not offer uneducated opinions or advice that will hurt their patients’ feelings for no reason.

    I am glad that my friend refused the weight loss medications that the doctor wanted to prescribe because nobody wants to lose muscle. If she wants to keep her muscular body then she should not be encouraged that ‘this or that very flawed chart says that you need to lose weight, so lose weight.’

    The Body Mass Index is very helpful to me on my weight loss journey, and my family physician who has been monitoring me for the past year has been extremely helpful and encouraging on my journey. He also recognizes that as a general practitioner, he is not a weight loss expert, so when he is not sure about something he would rather give me no advice than bad advice. Perhaps my friend’s doctor should take a lesson from him.

    In our culture, our body image is a huge factor in our self-worth, and while that is probably unhealthy, it is absolutely true. Body shaming is disgusting from our friends and loved ones, and from strangers on the street who feel it is their place to comment on someone’s size. From a medical practitioner it is absolutely unconscionable, and when the doctor is ignorant on the subject it should be left to the professionals… or at least to doctors who are smart enough to know that two factors alone cannot determine a healthy body size.

  • Day 390

    I was disgusted with myself as I dropped my son off after our lunch together. I forget the draw of the chips and salsa that are brought unbidden to the table, and I ate a lot of them. It was only later that I looked them up to discover that the serving is 310 calories with 68g of carbs. I think the 4g of sugars is irrelevant… I should not have touched them without looking them up first, and once I looked them up, I should not have touched them at all… but once I touched them, I should absolutely have limited myself to 5-6 chips. Once my meal came (which was what I had planned) I ate all of the vegetables and about half of the chicken, but I had almost none of the rice. I do not think that is a good trade-off for the chips, but it was at least a minor penance.

    Driving home I realized the gravity of my mistake and tried to figure out how best to handle it. I decided that if carbs are fuel for the body, then I should work out. I had a number of reasons why going to the gym would not have been convenient, so I decided to go for another jog. When I got home, I suited up, and remembering some of the discomforts of yesterday I made two modifications to my wardrobe. Looking through my front closet, I found a pair of gloves that I bought specifically for running (they are branded The Running Room, which means that I was married to my first wife when I bought them), as well as a headband that I suspected would double nicely as a neck warmer. I told Leslie that I was going for an hour, and I set out on my trek.

    My pace was not as quick as it was the previous day, but that did not matter as much as getting out and doing it. I chose to take mostly the same route as yesterday, except I opted to run through the park. While there was a brief area where I was careful because I was not sure if it was water or ice, the trail was mostly dry. I knew it was unlikely that I would be able to do the whole 6.5 km path jogging, but I was determined to do a little better than I did previously. I forced myself to jog until I had three kilometres behind me, then I pulled up, reset my trackers, and walked the remainder of the way home. With the slightly longer route through the park that I took, the total distance was 3.6km, which took just over 1h5m. Whatever the pace was, I consider that a successful outing, and if there was anything I could do to mitigate the stupid lapse in judgement at lunch.

    I do not know what the jog did to counterbalance my disgusting indulgence, but despite the horrible 1.6 lbs. gain this morning, I am still glad that I did it. The exercise was necessary, whether as a penance for my transgression, or simply as way to clear my hear and refocus my energies on what I need to do. This morning I sit looking out on a new day, and I will be back on track with my program. There will be no eating off the program this week. I will be sticking to it religiously, and by the end of the week I will be beyond that next minor milestone… below the 280 lbs. mark.

    I should mention that I really hated seeing the number shoot up on my push to best weight ever spreadsheet. Today is the eleventh day that I am maintaining it, and to see the comparison to 2020 shoot up from 2.4 lbs. yesterday to nearly 7 lbs. this morning hurt. I should take a peek into my previous journal to see what I did on July 30 to drop so sharply the next morning… but it shot back up the following day, so whatever it was, it did not last. Tomorrow’s comparison number will be better.

    I had to help Leslie with a difficult issue in the afternoon, after which we were able to relax with a couple of lovely cigars on the balcony. Video dates with her are tough, but in the grand scheme of things we both know that technology makes us easier to stay connected now than it would have even a decade ago. We both hate the distance, but at least we can have these times together with our video calls.

    Today I have nothing much going on in the morning, and then my housekeeper is coming in the afternoon. I have to remember that when I leave the house to pick her up from the train, I need to stop at the supermarket to pick up distilled water for my humidor’s humidifiers, which ran empty this weekend. Even though Kerry will be here, Eduardo might come over in the afternoon for a cigar, which will be nice. He wanted to come Wednesday, but that would not work for me. It will be nice to catch up with him; I have not seen him since I went to Dallas. I will teach in the evening, but unlike the stress of last week, this week I teach three evenings for 3.5 hours each. That is nothing I have to worry about, and it will be a relatively stress-free week. Tomorrow I am having a haircut and then going into Toronto to help someone with some computer issues they are having, and the only stressful part about that is having to drive into Toronto (and then out of it) during the week. I am tempted to take the train and ask them to pick me up and then drop me off (or at least take an Uber). Driving in Toronto is the epitome of not fun. I thought for a few minutes to change my haircut to a haircut and straight razor shave, but that was when I thought it was $15. I just went online to look, and they charge $80 for the combination… for that money, I will shave my own damned stubble, thank you very much! Yes, the straight razor shave feels so wonderful… but at that rate it will always be an occasional indulgence, and not a monthly occurrence!

    My plan for the day is to stay on track, and not lose focus as I did yesterday. I need to regain my forward (downward) momentum. I would think about going to the gym, but after two jogs over the weekend, I think I am going to take a couple of days to rest my quadriceps. One thing I am surprised about is that these last couple of days I have not had any pain or even minor discomfort in my right knee. I know that even as late as Friday I was taking Tylenol to ease it. I wonder if whatever is wrong with it is improved by the exercise, which is interesting because every study and anecdote I have ever heard about states that jogging is bad for the knee. Maybe it is not that my knee is better, but the recovery pains in my quads are distracting me from it. Who knows? Whatever it is, I am going to keep it up!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Weight Loss Platitudes

    In one of my support groups on Facebook, someone was sharing her fears about being around all of the temptations that will be in her house for the Super Bowl. Several of us gave her practical advice, and she will either follow it or not, but I am sure we all hope she will succeed.

    One person posted: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

    I want to be clear that I feel that this statement is absolutely true, and that looking back on the 390 days of my depriving myself of all of the foods that I love, when I look at myself in pictures (not yet in the mirror) I really feel good about myself, and the only thing I would change is that I would have cheated less so that I could be further along my journey than I am. Skinny feels great! (At least, skinnier does… I have not felt skinny since I was in the Army.)

    With that said, the original poster was sharing her fears and feelings about a real challenge, and not about a generalization. I wonder how helpful this very clever platitude will be when she comes face to face with pizza, wings, chips, beer, and sodas all over her house, and there for the taking.

    There are so many of these platitudes out there and they are all true. I just wonder how helpful any of them actually are. Yes, we all know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint; we know that losing weight is hard and being fat is hard, so choose your hard. We have been told a thousand times to not eat our emotions, and that fat loss is a mental challenge rather than a physical one. Of course, we know that our desire to change must be greater than our desire to stay the same, and that we have to change our habits in order to change our bodies… and that if we have discipline, drive, and determination, then nothing is impossible. We are aware that we did not gain all of the weight in a day, so we should not expect to lose it in a day.

    All of those statements are inspirational, and I think there is a place for each and every one of them. Weight loss is a mental challenge, and it is an emotional one. We cannot expect to help people with strictly practical advice, especially when they are feeling down or despondent or weak. We have to inspire their emotions and their mentality so that they can either stay on track, or too often get back on it.

    We all respond differently to different situations. When I started the program the second time, my doctor was an Army veteran, so when I told him that I did not want him to blow smoke up my six, he understood that I needed the regimented discipline from him that he would have given his soldiers. He understood that I would not respond to the inspirational platitudes that so many of his patients needed to get ahead. Today I may feel a little different than I did then, but more often than not, I prefer concrete advice than inspirational quotes.

    My wife has the unenviable task of trying to read my emotions and seeing if it is one of those rare times when I need the platitudes… or if she needs to be firm with me. Last night we were talking about ice cream (she loves a particular flavour that is only available in Canada) and I told her that I would have some in the house for her next visit… and that I might even have some in the freezer now. She told me that if I had gone out and bought ice cream that she would kick my butt… ice cream is one of my kryptonites, and she knows that having it in the house is a bad idea for me. If there was a pint in the freezer today, it would not be there by the time she comes next. More likely than not it would not still be there by Tuesday.

    At the same time, there have been several days when I have been down about my lack of progress this last week. She has been supportive in reminding me how well I have been doing, how far I have come, and how weight loss is about the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph.

    Leslie has learned (though a lot of difficult times) that there are times when I need her to be harsh with me, and there are times when I need her soft reassurances that I am doing well. I doubt that any dieter is all that different. So, when one of them comes out and says, ‘Oh my, I am disappointed that I have not lost weight this week!’ it is important to tell them that they are doing great, and to keep doing what they are doing, and the weight will come off. On the other hand, when someone says something like ‘This is what I have facing me today, and I am worried about how I am going to deal with it…’ then it is probably time for practical advice.

    I have often said that weight loss is simple, but it is not easy. Putting aside for a moment that this too is a platitude, I am not really sure how true it really is. Yes, if you consume less foods (and even less of the wrong ones), and if you exercise, you will lose weight. However, that only addresses the physical… and if you are in prison or the military, it might be true because you are given the food that should help you to lose weight. It does not take into account all of the mental and emotional stress and anguish that we go through when we make the choices that face us every day. Here is what you need to eat in order to lose two pounds per week. Great. That does not cover the anguish and anxiety, and it does not necessarily stay at the front of mind when we are on the go during our busy week.

    There is a place and time for platitudes… they truly can be inspirational. There is also a place and a time for practical advice. Knowing which is which is also not always easy.

  • Day 389

    I did not expect that.

    As I was driving home from Toronto yesterday afternoon, I was amazed by how beautiful the weather was, and I decided to try to actually go for a jog. Yes, in the morning I decided on the spur of the moment to jog lightly with my dog… but that was an ad hoc thing. I came home and called my wife, and while I drank my midday meal replacement, I told her of my plans. She told me to make sure I did not hurt myself, which is certainly a possibility when an obese man of my age decides to go for a jog. I dressed warmly in layers, I took a bottle of water, I laced up my shoes, put in my ears, and off I went.

    Because of my fitness walking, I know the approximate distances of the routes I usually take, and I opted for the shorter of them. I was not sure how far I would be able to jog on my first outing, and I decided not to try to push myself. I also decided to not jog through the park; while the sidewalks are dry, there are a lot of icy patches on the paths that I had to be careful on this morning, and I did not want to get hurt – I promised Leslie!

    I am not sure if I am proud that I got as far as I did, or disappointed that I did not go farther. I do know that I jogged for twenty minutes at an average pace of 8m11s/km and came close to 2.5km overall, before stopping the jog (and my counters). I re-started the counters to walk the rest of the way home, which was just over 3.75km (with an average pace of 10m14s/km). I will say that while I was certainly dressed warm enough for the jog, the walk was chilly. I do not know if that was because I was not generating the heat, or because the wind picked up. It could absolutely be one or the other of those. The next time I go out for a jog in similar conditions, I will pack a scarf that I can wrap around my face if necessary.

    After I showered, I had a lovely cigar date with Leslie. We really enjoy spending time together, which I suppose is the whole point of getting married, right? The distance is frustrating, and while we are counting down the months until the State Department approves my visa, we are also counting down the days until my next visit. We now have just under twenty-five days until then, and they will be twenty-five very difficult days of separation. Why does flying have to be so damned expensive?? Why can’t the government just look at us and say ‘Yep, you are married to an American Mr. Garvis… come on in!’?? Such are the things that test a relationship.

    I am happy that I was able to stick to the program again yesterday. A friend wanted me to drive down to Niagara to join him for dinner and drinks. While I usually would, I decided I did not want to sound like I was making excused, and I told him that I was on a strict diet and was neither eating nor drinking but would gladly sit with him while he did. He told me that he would rather put off getting together until I was able to indulge. Frankly, I am glad that he said that. I did not want to drive to Niagara, but I really did not want to be tempted to break my program. A lot of people might say that ‘hey, after two jogs and a walk today, you deserve it!’ I say that I would rather see the benefits of the exercise on my weight loss, either this morning or tomorrow, and not eat to counterbalance my activity.

    I was feeling light-headed by mid-evening, but I am not sure if that is because of the low-calorie program, or because I woke up so early. I do know that it is the second or third evening this past week that I have felt that. Fortunately, last night I did not have to teach. I was feeling fine on the balcony until it was too cold to enjoy it, and it was only a little while after I came into the apartment (around 7:45pm) that I started to feel weak and light-headed. I am going to have to find a way to get more sleep. For the next two weeks I do not have the same crazy schedule as I did, so I will be able to take a nap during the day. After that, I have another week of 12-hour days. Hopefully by then I will either be more used to the program again, or at least I will be sleeping better.

    I will be breaking the program today for one meal. My son the younger wants to go to Lone Star Grill for lunch, and I took a few minutes to look at menu online. The Grilled Chicken Fajita Bowl is 810 calories with 35g of carbs, and I can eat half of it and then pretend to forget my doggie bag to take home. Of course, I will tell them to withhold the cheese because of my religious dietary preferences, and probably the rice as well… but even if I ate it all, half of that would be 405 calories, and that is not the worst thing in the world. If that is the only cheat meal I eat between now and my trip (okay, there might be two of these) then I’ll be okay.

    I cannot help but think that yesterday’s jogging contributed directly to the tremendous numbers on the scale this morning. In the previous eight days (Friday to Saturday) I had lost 1.4 lbs. This morning’s day-over-day loss was 1.8 lbs. I was so excited to see that extreme drop that I nearly whooped out loud! I know it is unlikely that I will see consistent drops like that, but when I do it feels good. I am a lot more confident this morning that I will reach my first goal (under 280 lbs. before my appointment with the haberdasher on March 2) than I was just a couple of days ago. Of course, if I can do that, then I must also be more confident that I can achieve that second goal of getting to Dallas on March 9 under 275 lbs.

    If you were to scour through the 350,000 words of this journal you would not find the name of the weight management meal replacement program that I have been following (often more loosely than I currently am). I said at the outset that I did not want to discuss that program by name because one day it would be replaced by something else, and I did not want this journal to be seen as obsolete as irrelevant when that happened. Well, it happened… at least in some places. I received a message from a member of one of the Facebook support groups for the program that claimed that the clinic in Hamilton where I first went on the program has officially changed to another product. She says that the product is similar to the old one, but I am not able to find any information about it yet. I have asked her to share details when she can. Whatever it is, I feel more justified now in my original plan to withhold the name of the product. What works for you should work for you, and nobody should tell you otherwise unless there is confirmation that one program or another has severe negative health consequences.

    It is a beautiful day out, and while it was cold this morning (it is still below zero), the forecast high is 6°, and by Wednesday that will be 15°… after which it drops down to zero by Friday and will once again start rising over the next few days. As I have said so often, if you are unhappy with the weather in Canada… wait a few minutes. I do not think I will be going for another jog this afternoon, but you never know. It is Super Bowl Sunday, and I have been invited to several friends’ houses to watch the game. I have politely declined each invitation, knowing that the food temptations will be too great. That is one of the topics of discussion in the Facebook support groups. My plan is to avoid the temptations completely by not subjecting myself to them. Other feel they have more willpower… or possibly they might be able to get away with just a little bit of cheating. Whatever it is, I am going to be home alone, probably on a video date with Leslie. As I have said so many times before… Lead me not to temptation! I know exactly where to find it.

    My diet buddy is coming over this morning for a cup of coffee. It will be great to touch base with her, knowing that there are so many temptations out there on this the most commercial sports day of the year. She and I started on a similar journey, but I was worried that we would lose that commonality after she had her surgery. I am glad that did not happen, and that we can both continue to support each other. We joked last week that when we are both slim, we should go to a bar together dressed to the nines and see which women check us out… yes, she would be trying to attract women as well. Both of us are married so it would just be an exercise in vanity, but it is still amusing to think about it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 388

    The week is over, and I can relax! I was really surprised by how light-headed I was during the last 90 minutes of my class last night. I did not want to consume my final meal replacement so early in the evening, so I prepared a cup of Royal Milk Tea. As I told Leslie, I was not skimping on the caffeine. I think my body was rebelling from my deciding that G-d would not be the reason I cheated on the program… or maybe it was G-d telling me that I should have bought and eaten the damned bread. Either way, I was extremely glad that after the break I was able to assign a 45-minute lab to my students. After the break, all I needed to get through was the last half hour, and then the weekend would be mine. I also knew that Leslie was waiting for me to finish, so I had something to look forward to!

    This morning brought two very conflicting (and completely unrelated) firsts. For the first time in eleven days, my weight was up; it was the smallest amount possible that would register on my bathroom scale, but for the first time since January 30 it was neither up nor stable. It took me but a second (after stepping off the scale and checking its consistency) to remember that there will be slight ups on the journey down, and it means neither that I failed nor that I cheated… it just means that weight loss is about the downward trend, rather than about the individual plots on the graph. I made the immediate decision that this was nothing that I should worry about, and I went about my day. It should be pointed out as well that at 6:04am this morning, a Saturday on which I should have been happy to sleep in, my eyes popped open, and were not at all interested in closing again. I finally decided to get out of bed and start my day at 6:30am, which is unusual for a Saturday… more so for a Saturday following a week like the one I just finished.

    I think my readers will agree that the second of these firsts is much more significant. In fact, some might call it monumental. On Day 2 of my journey, I set out goals for myself. One of them was: “When I have lost 80lbs I will be jogging again, at least 5 miles per day, at least 4 times per week.” That did not happen. I did start fitness-walking, which I felt was equally beneficial. That does not change the fact that I enjoy jogging, but I am so often reminded how hard it can be on the body – especially the knees. I did not set out with the intention of doing so, but this morning, as HRF Princess Sophie and I set out for her walk, I decided to start jogging. I did not decide that ‘you know what. Later today I will jog.’ In the very minute that I made the decision I started jogging. I was not going to shatter any records, but I was going to get the aerobic exercise along with my usual steps. Despite yesterday’s mild snowfall, the sidewalks were dry, but I knew that I would likely come across parts that were still icy, and I would stop my jogging for those stretches. I also stopped when we came across other doggies and their owners… and of course I had to pick up after her, so that was obvious. According to my fitness watch tracking, it might be the slowest mile ever run… the pace was over 18 minutes per kilometre. That does not matter… It was my first jog, and it was with my dog. By the end of this week, weather permitting I will be out there for at least a 5km jog in proper gear!

    I probably have the lowest resting hear rate of anyone I know. I do not know how accurate the data on my iPhone Health app is, but it is telling me that over the last month, my average resting heart rate is 58bpm. It has been measured at the doctor’s office around that as well. I am wondering if that is why, over the last week when I was hardly active at all, I did not lose any significant amount of weight. Is it possible that it is only when I am able to get my heart rate up that my metabolism kicks in to start dropping? That is something that I will pay attention to. For the next two weeks, unless something falls into my lap, I am only teaching in the evenings, which means that I will have the time to go to the gym – and possibly even go for a couple of outdoor jogs if the weather cooperates – and I will see how my weight loss is affected. How cool would it be if I do lose a lot of weight due to activity? My first step will be on every dry morning, rather than putting on my winter boots I will put on trainers, and Her Floofness and I will jog together… with her frequent stops during which I will usually jog in place.

    The weather today is dry and chilly but warming up a bit in the afternoon. I have to help a friend (really a friend of a friend) with their computer this morning, but I will be back mid-afternoon, and my wife and I have a cigar date planned. It will be wonderful to sit on the patio (possibly wearing sunglasses) and chatting with my baby. Even if I have to turn the heater on, I am optimistic that this weather is a sign of things to come. Many Canadians have been bitten by these hopes, so don’t expect me to change out my winter tyres just yet!

    I will stay on track today, and tomorrow morning the bathroom scale will remind me that I was right to not get discouraged by the very minor blip that was today. Even now, as my hear rate is still elevated slightly an hour after my first jog in years, I can feel the weight coming off!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 387

    It is seldom that I am so tired at the end of a Thursday that I am really just waiting for the weekend to get here. I love my work and I love teaching, but this week I was scheduled to teach four twelve-hour days (and one blessedly short 8-hour day). “…and He rested on the seventh day from all His work.” No, I am not comparing myself to Him, and I know there are much harder jobs that I could be doing… but it is from Genesis 2:2 of Torah that we derive the origin of the commandment to rest on the Sabbath. We all rest in our own way, but I will definitely be enjoying my weekend.

    After a frustrating week of very minor drops (and a few days without even that), I was relieved to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to realize a .8 lb. drop from yesterday. While that brings my week-over-week drop to an almost anemic 1.6 lbs. from last Friday, I also have to accept that leading up to that day, I had lost nearly 8 lbs. over the previous week. I know this slowdown was my body adjusting to that shock, and I am grateful that there was no day that I actually gained weight!

    Last night was amazing. It was my only evening this week that I was not teaching, and I got to spend it with my wife. Leslie and I had a lovely video cigar date that was so peaceful that I did not want it to end. We both enjoyed two cigars, which is not as common as you might think for the middle of winter. It helped that while rainy, the temperatures in Burlington were hovering around 3°, and until the wind picked up toward the very end of our second cigar, it was really quite pleasant outside. I did bundle up in my winter jacket, but I did not even think to wear my scarf. Leslie and I discussed myriad topics from the day – some more difficult than others – and I think we both realized that our harder days are made easier because we have each other.

    Looking back on this week, I am torn between being proud that I stuck to my full-fast program religiously – allowing myself only an extra cup of tea and a few lozenges – and disappointed that I could not be more active. I am looking forward to next week, which will be a much less busy week (only three evening classes) and seeing if I can get more exercise. At the same time, I am concerned that without the 12-hour structured day requiring tremendous focus I might find it more difficult to stay true to the program. I know that I was able to do it over last weekend, so I am probably concerned for nothing. I also hope that aside from the few social and personal obligations that I have I will still be able to focus on studying and getting ready for that next exam that I want to take. I know that over the last two weeks I have not made any progress with that; I am comforted by the fact that this was not because I was lazy or distracted, rather I was traveling and then working. Perhaps I am not losing focus, and the ADHD meds are still working!

    I took my shirts and sports jacket to the dry cleaners last night and will not have them back until Tuesday. Today I am wearing a shirt that is button-down but more casual, still with a necktie, under my blue sports jacket (which has now been altered twice and does not fit nearly as well). I still think I look okay but am looking forward to having my full wardrobe back. Last night I was musing with Leslie about what I might order when I visit the tailor on March 1. They always have package specials which they do not post on their website, so unless they send an email blast, I will have to wait until the day to make my final decisions. As much as I want to look good, I would not be spending their full retail prices for custom-tailored clothes. I am hoping to get a few shirts, a couple pair of pants, a couple vests, and a sports jacket. I will not allow myself to spend more than $2000 Canadian dollars for my order though… taxes, duties, and delivery included. We’ll see what they are offering. I am still excited that I can really start investing in looking good!

    Looking good may begin with the clothes, but proper grooming is critical. To that end, I am relieved to be going for a haircut on Tuesday. There is an undefined but clear delineation with my hair between short, longer but still looks good, and ‘can comb it as much as I want but by 11am it still looks unkempt.’ I transitioned from Stage 2 to Stage 3 somewhere between Friday and Tuesday.

    My plan for the day is, once again, to stay on track. I walked into Fortino’s yesterday evening after I dropped off my dry cleaning, and I was tempted to buy a challah roll for this evening’s Shabbat prayers. Almost as soon as I thought of it, I dismissed the idea. There are so many ways for me to fall off the wagon, but I am not going to blame my relationship with G-d for any of my failures. I marked down three short-term goals yesterday, and the best way to ensure that I do not hit any of them is to start doing stupid things like eating bread and blaming G-d for it.

    Aside from my actual weight, there are a few other numbers on my weight tracking spreadsheet that I like looking at… My Body Mass Index (BMI) has dropped from 49.5 to 36.4, my body fat has dropped from 39.9 to 32.3, and my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) has dropped from 2,884 to 2,201. These are huge improvements! I am still not in the healthy range, but I am on my way. With patience, dedication, and the support of my small circle, I will get there eventually. It would be nice if I could do that in this calendar year.

    Okay, it is time to start teaching. It will be another long day, but at least today I have a lunch break, and my class will be doing some of their labs.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 386

    The last couple of days I have found I am a bit weak at times during the day, even when I am taking my meal replacements when I am supposed to. I suspect the ridiculously long days with almost no break in between is a contributing factor. I know that I am able to get by without an issue on the 900 calories (plus my usual pot of coffee) per day because I have done it before – I was doing just fine before I went to Dallas, and I did it just fine for several days after returning from Dallas. I think it is the grueling schedule that is starting to get to me. I was offered a daytime contract for next week which I turned down because they wanted to pay me a very low amount. My reasons for turning it down were because I did not want to undervalue myself, and I did not want either the company or the broker to think that I was going to have a fire sale on my rates. I am glad now that I turned it down for another reason… I need to catch up on my rest. This week is hard on me, and knowing that I would be signing up for the same grueling schedule for two weeks in a row… I made the right decision. I did joke with Leslie that I turned it down because I had a haircut scheduled… but it was definitely more than that.

    I am happy about one thing though. Monday and Tuesday I was lecturing from 9:00am through 10:00pm without any real break. Yesterday afternoon my daytime class finally started doing labs, which means that between the lectures, I do get a bit of a respite from speaking.

    We are counting down the days again. In exactly twenty-eight days I will be flying to Dallas, and once again I will be with my wife. I know that we truly miss each other when we are apart… even though I suspect I occasionally get on her nerves when I am always there! It is my plan to not book any daytime classes for the two weeks that my trip span – I am there for two days, spanning Thursday to Sunday – because while I will have to teach Monday, Wednesday, and the two Fridays… at least I will be able to spend most of my time with her and not in front of a class. I am turning down those two weeks of work so that I can spend as much time with my wife as possible.

    I am excited that I have booked my appointment with the tailor for their next visit to Canada. March 1st I will go to get measured, and then (with Leslie on video chat) I will pick out a few new shirts, pants, vests, and probably a sports jacket. One of my main goals at the very beginning of this journey was to need a new wardrobe… and custom-tailored shirts and jackets are just what the doctor ordered. By then I will at least be under 280 lbs., and while it will hopefully not be the last time I shrink out of my wardrobe, I suspect it will be my penultimate time. I did write on Day 2 in My Weight Loss Goals that: ‘When I have lost 100lbs I will be changing out my wardrobe again… Goodbye 2XL, hello XL (and the size 40 (0r 38) pants.’ Well, I have lost over 100lbs., and I am in my XL shirts and Size 38 pants… but now I want to modify that goal from over a year ago. I have, as I mentioned before, changed how I dress for work. Gone are my polo shirts and pullovers. I wear a jacket and tie every day, and I feel great about that. While I do have several suits, shirts, pants, and a sports jacket that fit me, I want to start planning for my next fifty pounds. I will be picking upbeat shirts that suit my style, and after yesterday’s experience wearing my vest, I plan to integrate at least a couple of those into my wardrobe. I want to look great for my classes and for my wife… and for myself as well. There are costs involved with losing weight, and I could spend that money on t-shirts and off-the-rack clothes… or I can spend a little more and really be stylish.

    The bathroom scale threw me a bone this morning. I lost .2 lb. from yesterday (and the previous day). I know I have to be patient, and that every ounce dropped is progress. Still, I really do want to get to the finish line… at which point I will be jogging in place for the rest of my life. I know I have to be realistic, and to set realistic short-term goals. For the next month, I am setting the following goals:

    1. By March 1 (the day I go to the tailor) I would like to weigh under 280 lbs. so if I can lose five pounds in three weeks I will be there.

    2. By March 9 (the day I fly to Dallas) I would like to weigh under 275 lbs. so that I can at least have another noticeable difference when Leslie sees me.

    3. During my ten-day trip to Dallas (during which I will be back on my modified program) I would like to gain no more than two pounds.

    That will take me six weeks out from today. If, on March 20 (the day after I fly home from Dallas) I weigh under 275 lbs. then I will be happy. Looking at my spreadsheet comparing 2020 to now, that would have me under five pounds behind my pace from my previous journey. I am being conservative with my goals for now, and hope that next week, when I can get back into the gym and start moving again, my current stagnant pace will pick up some more. Until I see what results I get from that, I am going to stick with these very conservative hopes… but I will not fall off the program!

    It is raining this morning. HRF Princess Sophie took one look outside and planted her paws just inside the threshold. While it is warming up significantly today, the rain will be constant all day. The winds will be picking up in the evening, which might impede my tentative plans to enjoy a cigar on the balcony with Leslie. We will see, but that might have to wait for the weekend. I am hoping that she (HRF) does not get too antsy during the day and lets me take her outside during one of my two short breaks… my lunchtime will be taken up by my appointment with my therapist, and that is very important. Hopefully as well, the neighbour might knock on my door and say, ‘can Sophie come over to play?’ for a bit. I love her and she is very well behaved, but if she steps out for a few hours during the day I will not be upset.

    Two things that I have been doing differently from all of the other times I was dressing up is that I am wearing undershirts every day, and as soon as I take my shirt, jacket, and/or pants off, I hang them up properly. These two steps are significantly reducing how often I have to get them dry cleaned. With that said, I do plan to take all of my shirts except one, and all of the pants (which is only three pair) to the dry cleaner this evening. When I get them back, I want to come up with a system that will let me track what I have worn when and how many times. During a five-day class, I want to make sure I am not repeating my outfit. I know that with my sport jacket that will not be avoidable, but the shirt and tie combination will be much easier to rotate. I do have another sports jacket (which I decided to wear this morning, midway through this paragraph) which I can include, but there are a few reasons why it is not among my favourites… not the least of which is that it is off the rack from Sears. I cannot believe that I, of all people, and turning into a clothes snob! My sister, who used to make fun of me for wearing logo shirts always and looking like a walking advertisement, would be shocked. There is the odd occasion that I miss having her in my life.

    Okay, the plan for today is to stay on track. How many times have I said that? I am thrilled that for the last month I have done just that! I weigh seventeen pounds less than I did a month ago, but during that time I transitioned from my modified program to the full-fast program, and there was the expected initial sharp drop, which will now be followed by the slow and steady decline. If I lose the conservative two pounds per week then I will achieve my abovementioned goals. All I have to do is stay on track.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 385

    I cheated yesterday, but not on the program! At lunch I went out as planned to buy a not-really-milk product for my coffee. As I was driving to the store, I realized that my gas tank was nearly empty. I was about to pass a petrol station when I realized this, so I pulled in and filled the tank. The station is in the same plaza as a supermarket (but not the one I would usually go to), and I did not expect that store to have what I wanted… but I decided to chance it. Sure enough, they had the oat milk I wanted! The advantage of FreshCo over Fortino’s is that they do not have the huge prepared-foods and fresh bakery sections between the door and where I needed to be. I cheated temptation, and also put fewer miles on my car. It was a win-win situation. Stay tuned for more life hacks! The only downside is that I did not get to the dry cleaner which is adjacent to Fortino’s… but I had left my shirts at home, so it did not matter.

    Staying on track is not easy, but I am doing everything that I can. I am flying down to Dallas in under a month, and I know that I will not be down to my best weight ever by then, but I will certainly weigh less than I do today. Even if it is 10-15 pounds less, that will be so much better than I am now, and certainly less than when I was there last week. All I have to do to achieve that is to stay on the program, and not cheat. I might not lose fifteen pounds… but if I stay on track, at least I will not gain weight. All I can ask for day over day is to do better than the previous day… whether that means my weight is lower, or I have a better attitude, or whatever better might mean on any given day. I know that I was thrilled last week when I was losing so much weight and it felt like it was just melting off, but most weeks will not be like that. These last few days that I have hardly lost any weight are not failures, I simply have to look for other wins. For example, yesterday I went to the supermarket and did not cheat! Also, I have gotten through the first two of my 12-hour teaching days without falling… or yelling, cursing, or anything bad. Today is day three, and once I am through it then tomorrow is a shorter day… I only teach during the day (and it will be the only day this week). Now that I think of it, I am really looking forward to the weekend when I can relax a little.

    I really enjoyed putting on my suit for class yesterday. I knew that my evening class was ending after three months, and I wanted to celebrate it. I was not entirely impressed when I saw the grades on their end of class quizzes though… I truly hope that all of them will study hard for the exam before they take it. As for my daytime class, the two really boring and grueling days are done, and tomorrow we can start with some labs and hands-on stuff, instead of just eight straight hours of lecture (which for the last couple of days was then followed by 3.5 more straight hours of lecture).

    This morning I was going to put on my blue sports jacket, but instead decided to wear my vest. I decided that I really like the look, and while this vest is at the very limit of my being able to wear it (it was tailored to me 80 lbs. ago!) I can get a couple more uses out of it… and when I go to the tailor for new shirts in a few weeks, I will order at least one and probably two more!

    It is funny that I woke up this morning, did my morning rituals, got dressed, and took HRF Princess Sophie for her walk, and it was only as we were coming in from that walk that I realized that I was scheduled to go to the doctor’s office to get weighed. I panicked for the three seconds it took me to realize that I was nowhere near late, and then I took Princess Sophie upstairs (she insisted on going to see Sue) and then I got into my car and drove to the doctor’s. I told the nurse as I was preparing to step onto the scale that if the number read at or below 129 kg then I would be celebrating because I would have hit the fifty kilos lost milestone. I missed it by 200g – I weighed 129.2 kg. I was hugely disappointed… until I realized that meant that in the past three weeks since my last official weigh-in I have lost 4.6kg, and that includes a trip to Dallas where I cheated a lot. I changed my tune and called it a huge success! While that ‘official’ milestone will need to wait another couple of weeks, I look forward to smashing it, rather than just eking by.

    Yesterday afternoon I was feeling weak and hungry, and my body told me that I needed my meal replacement now. I do not remember that happening too often these last few weeks. This morning (it is now 11:55am) I am again feeling a bit hungry and a bit weak, but I am going to wait until my class breaks for lunch… unless I really feel that I need it. I am planning this because I know that it will be a very long day, and that while I have been teaching now for 2.5 hours, I have another nine hours of teaching to go. I cannot cheat because if I do, I will likely find myself with an empty tank way too early in the evening. My plan for the day is, once again, to stay on the course and not cheat. If I can get through the day, I know that tomorrow is a shorter day (which is to say that I am teaching from 9:30am until 6:00pm, rather than to 9:30pm), and I will be able to get through it with greater ease… and if the weather cooperates, I might even be able to enjoy a cigar on the balcony with my wife (over video chat). I am, however, looking forward to the weekend in a way that I have not in a very long time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 384

    For the first time in a few days, I had a productive (if small) bowel movement. For the first time in a few days, I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning and weighed less than I have these last few days. It was not a huge loss, but something is better than nothing… and that something took me below the 285 lbs. mark! It was also the first day since I started my spreadsheet comparing my weight loss now with my weight loss from three years ago that this morning’s comparison to 2020 is lower than it was yesterday. While that may falter these next few days, that is more a commentary on how well I did in 2020 over that first ten days. I then lost momentum, so while the total weight loss from Day 1 of that sheet is nearly 9 lbs. on Day 11, that number drops to under 4 lbs. on Day 19. In 2020 it took me 69 days to drop from 285.2 lbs to 260.4 lbs. I still believe that in 2023 I can do it in less.

    Of course, there might be a bit of a delay in that. Yesterday, after much fighting with American Airlines, I booked my next trip to Dallas. On March 9 I will fly down for ten days, and I will once again go back on my modified program. With all of the worries I had, it worked really well the last time. I am going to expect, once again, that I will gain as much as two pounds on that trip to consider it a victory. If I do anything like my last trip, I will do much better than that!

    Yesterday went exactly as planned. Both my daytime and my evening classes are good groups, although I did not hear a lot from the daytime class (except when I asked them midday if they wanted me to change anything, and three of them told me I was ‘crushing it.’ I felt really good about that and will do my best to keep going. My evening class was a lot larger, and because of the different format I was able to force each one to turn their mics on to introduce themselves. That was a pretty good ice breaker, and while very few mics went on the rest of the night, I had them using the feature where they raised their hands… a lot. I stuck to the program, with the only aberrations being a cup of tea in the evening and a couple of lozenges. I essentially spoke straight from 9:45am to 10:30pm (with the last 90 minutes being on the phone with American Airlines), and I doubt anyone would begrudge me my throat soothers.

    Today I will do essentially the same… but I do have to step out. I was worried yesterday that I might not have enough oat milk for my coffee today. It seems that I do, but I will definitely not have enough for tomorrow if I do not go to the supermarket. There is nothing else that I need, so I will get in and out as quickly as possible. I wish the oat milk was not all the way at the back of the store, but I know that I can get through without succumbing to any temptations. I will also take the opportunity to drop a couple of my shirts and a pair of pants at the dry cleaners. I may be saving a ton of money on that bill by wearing undershirts, but that does not change the fact that they do need to be cleaned from time to time. Of the four shirts that went me to Dallas, three of them are in need… as are a pair of pants.

    Last night I was worried about sleeping, as I have had trouble the last couple of nights. I woke up twice to pee, and the second time I felt like I might not get back to sleep… it was 3:15am. Before I even went to the washroom, I proactively ate a melatonin gummy, so when I got back into bed I might have an easier time. Indeed I did, and was asleep within 15 minutes or so. I did not sleep through to my alarm clock, and again was out of bed 10-15 minutes early… but that is not the end of the world. At least it was not another mostly sleepless night.

    Stay on track today. Stay focus, stay mindful. Do not veer, and you will succeed. Right, Taz? Yes Staff Sergeant!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 383

    Today is the first day of a very long and grueling week, all of which I am very excited about. I love teaching, and I especially love that as a contractor who ‘eats what he kills,’ my dance card is filling up nicely for the next little while. Knowing that my daytime class today starts shortly, and that my evening class follows immediately after the culmination of the early class and continues to 9:30pm, I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night, my alarm set for 7:00am, ready to face the very long day well-rested. What happens then when you cannot sleep? I fell asleep just fine, but my eyes popped open around 3:45am, and for love or money I could not fall back into slumber. When I finally gave up on sleep (for the short term), I decided to go through my phone’s picture library from the past three years. I am very good at taking lots of pictures, and because I was notified recently by Apple that my cloud storage was full, I even went through them a few weeks ago and deleted hundreds (if not thousands) of pictures that were just not needed. In the middle of the night, my mission was to add a few mew pictures to my Favourites folder. It turns out that meant nearly two hundred pictures of Leslie, several of HRF Princess Sophie, and maybe 5-10 of friends and others. By the time I finally got back off to sleep (around 5:15am) that folder had ballooned from 18 pictures to 230. I broke my general rule and took another melatonin gummy, and finally closed my eyes again… and even though I did not sleep through to my alarm, that extra 90 minutes of sleep was important. I feel that I can now face the day.

    Yesterday evening I told Leslie that after two days at the same weight, I was really looking forward to seeing the numbers on the bathroom scale drop this morning. She told me that if my weight stayed the same, I am still winning. While we had a minor misunderstanding over the homonym lose, I agreed with her that staying where I was would not be a loss. I am glad we had that conversation, because guess what I weighed when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning? If you guessed exactly what I weighed yesterday and the day before, then you win the prize! I did not drop below 285 (see my psychology rant from yesterday… I originally wrote 385), but I did not gain. I will stay on track again today, and hopefully tomorrow I will break the plateau. If not, Leslie is right… as frustrating as it might be, it is nowhere near as bad as that plateau just above the 300-pounds mark. I will also mention that today was the third straight morning that I was unsuccessful moving my bowels… that is not uncommon while on my full-fast program, but I do hope to end that streak tomorrow.

    My plans for today are to stay on track, and with my schedule I doubt I will have any opportunity not to. While I have three 15-minute breaks throughout the day, I am supposed to have a 1-hour lunch break, but I have an important appointment that will take up most of that time. As such, the order of the day is coffee with meal replacements… and nothing more.

    My diet buddy came over for a cuppa yesterday, and we had a great talk. It really is great that both of us have stayed (mostly) on track. I had my modified program, and she had her surgery, but a year later and we are both doing great. I really hope our friendship continues to grow even after we have both achieved our goals. We discussed yesterday how difficult it is to know that we will always have to be mindful of what we eat and will never be able to eat like we once did again. It is sad, but an alcoholic cannot have just one drink… for us it will be more difficult because we will still have to eat, just differently. I told her all about the Chinese meal that I planned out beforehand and enjoyed in Dallas, and that gave us both a little hope that while we cannot eat like we once did, at least we can eat and enjoy it. I think one of the big tricks will be for us to switch from eating to enjoy the experience to eating in order to fuel our much healthier bodies. That will not be an easy change for either of us to make… we both love food so much! She was telling me about a brunch she enjoyed that included eggs benedict on avocado toast, and while it sounded delicious, it also sounded dangerous. She enjoyed it but got right back on track. Maybe she is further ahead with the psychology than I am.

    One more thing that we discussed was getting rid of our bigger clothes, which led to a much more important discussion. She told me that she had a colleague who was larger, and she was going to give all of her larger clothes to. I asked her how close she was to that colleague, and she told me not at all. I then advised her not to do it. I reminded her how personal our weight loss is, and that giving her the clothes can be seen in several ways, but almost all of those ways would include having to share her journey with yet one more person… and each extra person you share with takes a toll. That is before we even hear from them their experiences and struggles, and why what we are doing is wrong, but their way is better. She agreed with me and will be donating all of those clothes to charity. The colleague’s loss will be the charity’s gain.

    I want to clarify one thing about my occasional sleep issues. A year ago, I had trouble sleeping because I could not get comfortable with the massive bulk of my body. That is not the case now… but sometimes I simply cannot sleep. I know that the meds I take for ADHD can affect that, which is why I take that pill first thing in the morning, which my doctor assured me is the best way to make sure that it does not affect it too much. There have been several nights over the past few months when I had trouble sleeping, but that was usually due to stress and anxiety caused by factors that were (at the time) beyond my control, but which were still very real. Last night? There is no reason, other than sometimes people have trouble sleeping!

    Have a great day folks!