Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 367

    Yesterday’s realization regarding my falling out of that extreme classification (Morbidly/Severely Obese, or Obesity Class III) felt so good. I could not stop kvelling about it! I called my wife and told her that I was obese! She could not figure out what I meant… until I explained it, at which point it was definitely something to celebrate. She has been my number one supporter throughout the process… even if sometimes (more often than either of us wish) she has had to show it to me through tough love.

    I have said often that when I look in the mirror, I still see a fat man. I have said often that this might be a psychological thing that will never go away. However, I looked in the mirror this morning; a day after spending a lot of time reading my thoughts and feelings and perceptions from the beginning of my journey – as well as where I was after I fell off and started gaining weight and losing ground – and tried to evaluate myself realistically. I still have a belly… but it is nowhere near as immense as it was a year ago. I still have man-boobs that hang down, but they do not hang down as far nor feel as heavy as they were. I still have ‘love handles…’ but they are not sticking out from my centre nearly as much as they did. When I stand with my hands to my side, if my arms are completely rigid then my hands do stick out… but only a little, and not nearly what it was. I can look at myself objectively and see real progress. That could be because of the exercise I did with the tape measure the other day, or maybe it is because as my body shrinks, the mental anguish of being morbidly/severely/Class III obese is shrinking as well. It may not shrink as quickly… but I think that my mind is starting to accept that I was not always fat, and I do not have to always be fat.

    Yesterday was weird. I had a lot of disruptions – some of which were professional and important, others… less so. However, in the afternoon I sat at my desk, and for the first time in I don’t know how long… I studied. I probably spent five or six hours working on my new certification, which is really exciting. It is not really the certification that is exciting, it is the knowledge and skills that I am learning from the studies. Additionally, I realized something that I have told my students countless times… the class materials are a great starting point, but they are not enough. I spent a couple of extra hours building a virtual lab environment for myself so that I can play with the tools we are being taught… and not just press the buttons that the labs tell us to press. This is taking me outside of my comfort zone – I have always been able to do absolutely anything related to Microsoft Windows, but my experience with Linux is much less complete. Building the machine was a challenge (that took me hours to overcome), and then realizing that the differences between this particular version of the Linux distro that I downloaded – in name, the same as the one that CompTIA integrates in all of its labs, but in practice the differences between that and this look like jumping from Windows 7 to Windows 11. In short, things that I thought I knew I would have to relearn… or more accurately, learn better. This journey is also helping me to see that if I keep it up, I might be able to change my descriptor from ‘IT Professional with a strong understanding of security’ to ‘IT Security Specialist.’ We’ll see.

    I said at the beginning of the last paragraph that it was weird, but I want to elaborate on that. It has been years since I have been able to sit at a desk and focus on studying. I am not saying that I did not get distracted, which would be a lie. I am saying that every time I was distracted, I did what was called for, and then went back to studying. It was truly amazing that over the course of six or seven hours, I probably did a legitimate five hours of studying. With my inability to focus and concentrate for so many years I have not been able to do that, and I see this as a direct result of my ADHD meds actually working. I am thrilled that I am seeing huge improvements, and so far, no noticeable side affects. I do not know if that will change, but I have discussed some other improvements with Leslie, and will be reporting back to my doctor once again that I (we) are seeing noticeable results.

    I have so often vented my frustration at the numbers on my bathroom scale, often because of the unstable flooring in my apartment which so often gives inaccurate readings, often varying as much as a couple of pounds from one reading to the next just seconds later. This morning was no different. My three readings ranged between a 1.2 lbs. gain and a 3 lbs. loss. In the end, I opted to keep the measurement that seemed the most reasonable. I kept to the program religiously (again), so the 1.2 lbs. gain did not seem realistic. At the same time, it is unlikely that I dropped three pounds overnight. In the end, I kept the reading that has me down .6 lbs. from yesterday, which means I am four pounds down in a week. I am happy with that. I would be happier if the floors here were consistent though. While that is not even in the top-twenty ‘Reasons I am excited to be going to see Leslie this week.’ I know that when I step onto her scale, I will know exactly what I weigh on any given day.

    I have had a headache since last night. I know it is not because of dehydration; I am drinking enough water daily to float a canoe in. That does not make it any less real. I noticed it after smoking with a couple of guys last night, but let’s be honest… I have enough experience with cigars to know that they do not cause me headaches. I will stay aware of it and see if it continues longer than a day or two. It is not bad enough for me to want to take a pill for it, but If I am still feeling it tomorrow then I will reconsider.

    I did not sleep well last night. I probably fell asleep around 3am. I was not watching TV, I was just… not sleepy, no matter what I tried. I also woke up to pee (wow did I have to pee) three times between getting into bed and waking up this morning. I was relieved to see that at least I was able to sleep until 8:30am. When I have trouble getting to sleep, I am always worried that my eyes will pop open at 7:05am, despite not having anything pressing to do that day. If Princess Sophie really needed to go out, then she would tell me… but otherwise it was good to be able to sleep a little bit later than usual.

    Where has the morning gone? I am amazed to see it is after noon already. I helped someone by editing (read: ripped to shreds) their CV, but I cannot imagine that took me as long as that. I have written a bit, I have answered some emails, and I wasted a little time on Facebook. With that said, I realized this morning that I have not watched TV at all this week. That is really new for me. I knew that when I was teaching during the day last week that I would not have time for it, but this week I had plenty of free time, and did not do it. I thought about it for a few minutes yesterday, then decided to try to work out a few of my Linux issues. Whether or not it is because of the medications I do not know, but I do know that I have been a lot more productive this week than I usually am on weeks when I am not teaching.

    While I am not actually hungry, I should probably prepare my second meal replacement of the day. I am trying to keep a regular schedule which should help me to stay on track and waiting several hours until I am really hungry is probably a bad idea. I think there are a few drops of coffee left in the pot so I might make that last half-cup… we’ll see. I will do some studying today, but then I expect I am getting together with friends.

    Have a great day folks!

  • STOP THE PRESSES! I’M OBESE!

    That must sound like a ridiculous statement. This is a weight loss journal, and people who are not fat do not write weight loss journals. They certainly do not maintain them daily for a year, right? It is blatantly obvious then to my readers that I am fat… not to mention, anyone who sees me. Read it again… I did not say that I was fat. I said that I was obese. The first is not only judgmental and harsh, but it is also subjective. If I am standing in a room full of supermodels, I look fat. If I am standing in a group of people larger than I am, I might not be perceived the same way. Obese, on the other hand, is a medical term. It has a clear definition based on one’s height and weight. It is not a perfect system, but it is a pretty decent guideline.

    So then why am I so happy to be obese? Because the last time I checked, I was classified as morbidly (or severely) obese, or what the American CDC refers to as Obesity Class 3. It has been a while since I checked, but this morning I saw someone mention their BMI, and I decided to check mine. Depending on the source, my classification was upgraded either when I dropped below 315 lbs. or 300 lbs.… but either way, I am safely in the new category, and working toward being upgraded to Obesity Class I (or simply overweight), but I am about sixty pounds away from that. Hopefully I can achieve that by August.

    I am not going to focus on that. My goal is to be healthy, and to lose weight at a healthy pace. I want to focus on the size of my body and the fit of my clothes, and not a label made up by doctors whom I will never meet. John Lennon once said, ‘I don’t believe in Beetles, I just believe in me.’ I need to focus on my unique needs and body rather than numbers on a chart.

    Okay, my day continues. In a few hours I will light the Sabbath candles. This will be my second Sabbath without challah or wine, and I am fine with that… no matter how weird it might feel.

    Shabbat Shalom!

  • Day 366–Year 2, Day 1

    Happy anniversary to me! It has been one year to the day since I woke up to my first meal replacement shake, and with a dedication and commitment to actively get slim. It would be my third such attempt in five years, so I do not know what my confidence level was that I would succeed in the long term, but when you walk into your first AA meeting they congratulate you, because that first step is hard. Then, as now, I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil that had nothing to do with my weight loss; the fact that I started and succeeded still astounds me.

    My morning started much earlier than normal, for no particular reason. I had set an alarm for 7:00am to make sure that I was all squared away in time for my 9:00am conference call, but an hour before that Her Floofness decided that lying next to me on the bed was over, and she crawled up onto my pillow to nestle herself into the back of my head and shoulder. Maybe lying on my head and shoulder would be more accurate. It felt warm and wonderful and cozy and loving… but it was also an impossible position in which to get back to sleep. I had slept seven hours (which is more than average for me), so I decided to start the morning early. It was 6:45am when she and I stepped out for our morning walk.

    As I was at my desk with my meal replacement and my first cup of coffee much earlier than usual, and because today is so special an occasion, I decided to go back to my previous two weight loss journals (neither of which is online, before you go looking for them), and read what I wrote for the beginning and first couple of days of the program. There were some amazing similarities, as well as some stark contrasts. Each time I was always out of breath, I found it difficult to stand up from a seated position, and it was hard to put on my socks. There were other issues that I discussed, most of which have to do with embarrassment –things that are embarrassing to admit, but also the general feeling of embarrassment at being so morbidly obese. Each time I express at some point on Day 1 that I am proud of myself that I had not yet broken my diet… maybe astounded is a better word. I did, however, read something that I shared with Julie on Day 1 that I wish I had remembered… and that I am going to remember every day going forward because it applies as much now as it did then. Look at the numbers on the bathroom scale and make yourself a promise that you will never be this heavy again. The day that I said (and wrote) that I weighed 395 pounds, and I vowed that day that I will never be that heavy again. This morning I weighed 293.2 pounds… and I am making myself that same promise: I will never be this heavy again. Of course, that might be an easier vow to keep in the long term, because as I have mentioned so many times before, the short-term is more difficult to predict day-over-day. It is possible that I will be completely faithful to the program, yet tomorrow morning I will weigh the same or even more than I do today. Week over week is more realistic; overall even more so. I vow that once I have lost a few more pounds, I will never weigh what I weighed this morning again.

    I know that both times I started the program I did extremely well in the short term. Reading Day 1 is encouraging, but I also need to remember that it was not all successes. I decided to read ahead to Day 365 in both journals… or as close to it as I could. The first time around, I was going through a lot of emotional trauma. I do not remember what that was, but thinking back, I was going through a divorce, and my finances were a disaster (partly due to the divorce). I was more than 47 lbs. up from my best weight. I was trying again… but the next year was a constant regression into morbid obesity.

    Day 365 of my second go-around (August 2020) was much more encouraging. The time and path it took me to get there was not a straight drop down like it was in 2017; I took my time, which is to say that I faltered several times over the course of the year, but by Day 365 I was doing great… I was down 116 lbs. from my peak the year before and would eventually lose another 17 lbs. before the slow (and then not so slow) slip and fall from grace would begin. I was happy, I had just started a great new job, and I was truly optimistic. Two days later I would lose that job, and while my diet would continue to succeed for another month and change, the series of events that would eventually lead to my gaining back all of that weight and having to relocate to Canada began.

    I look back at the past to remember where I was, what went right but also what went wrong, and what I need to do (and what I need to be mindful of) in order to succeed this time. I once asked the CEO of Microsoft about a trend that I saw which made me worry that they were making a lot of the same mistakes that IBM had in the 1970s and 1980s. His response to me was that he hoped that if they were going to make mistakes, they would be new ones. I am not sure how soon thereafter he stepped down, but many see Steve Ballmer’s tenure as CEO as one fraught with mistakes. I thought of this because I know the mistakes that I made previously that caused me to fail at long-term weight loss. It will be easy to avoid those. It is also important to remember that there are so many other mistakes that I can make, and that while the paths to success are few, there are a great many roads that lead to failure. I will have to remember every day for the rest of my life to be mindful so that I do not fall back into bad habits… or into new bad habits either.

    I went into a lot of detail yesterday about the differences between last January 20 and this one. I am keeping track of my weight loss daily and tracking my progress on the scale. I decided last night to spend a couple of minutes looking at the three measurements that a year ago I felt important enough to measure in addition to my weight. I pulled out my measuring tape and stripped down in the bathroom. Here are the results:

    January 20, 2022

    January 20, 2023

    Difference

    Weight

    395 lbs.

    293.2 lbs.

    101.8 lbs.

    Under belly fat

    53.5”

    46”

    7.5”

    Belly (Navel)

    63” (bigger than my 60” tape!)

    54.5

    8.5”

    Chest

    58.25”

    50”

    8.25”

    Yes, I am kvelling. I seem to be doing that a lot of late, and I hope that nobody feels that bragging about these feats is too obnoxious.

    I was on a cruise ship many years ago and there was a spa treatment offered that promised you to shed at least 2” from your body during the cruise. What they neglected to mention was that they were measuring twenty-five different locations on your body, and the combined loss on all those locations would be 2”. A year ago, and again last night, I measured only three locations on my body, and the combined loss on all those locations equals 24.25”. To put things in perspective, that is slightly more than two feet. Not only have I lost 25% of my body weight, but it can also be argued that I have also lost 33% of my height!

    It has been a year of amazing highs and terrible lows, both with regard to my weight loss journey and with the rest of my life. Once I have lost all the weight I need to lose (however much that will be), I hope the ups and downs of my weight will be much less drastic… like a normal person, I might gain a couple of pounds on vacation, and then go on a diet when I get home to burn them off. I also hope that my life, starting now, I will experience many more highs, with only the occasional muted low… just to remind me of how lucky I am to be where I am.

    Yesterday’s consumption was exactly where it was supposed to be. For nine days straight I have been able to stick to the program religiously. I hope that I will be able to stay true to it until I wake up Wednesday morning and fly to Dallas. Leslie and I were talking yesterday, and I told her that I was hoping to be closer to 285 lbs. than 290 lbs. by the time I arrived, which would mean as much as a twenty-pound loss since she left here in November. I am so excited about that! I want her to throw her arms around me… all the way around me! We will have to see how that goes, but one thing is for sure… I will be smaller than the last time she saw me… and 24.25” smaller than the first time she saw me! Unfortunately, the numbers on the bathroom scale are not cooperating with that plan; after no loss yesterday, this morning I was down .4 lb. which is good – down is always better than up! – but at the same time I realize that if I lose that same amount every day between now and Wednesday, I will only lose two more pounds by the time I fly on Wednesday. I would not even drop below 290 lbs. I know that she will not be disappointed, and really neither will I. It is just harsh to remember that when I started on the program both times the doctors told me to expect a 2-3 lbs. drop per week. It was nice to drop nearly ten pounds in my first week of the strict program, but it is not realistic to expect that pace to continue.

    The lesson in this is that setting unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment, but it is also important to be happy with all progress. I was so upset about the plateau that I was at for two months, and then thrilled when my weight dropped so quickly when I switched programs. I have told so many people over these last few months that they were looking at it wrong. You cannot look at it as ‘I only lost one pound this week.’ You have to look at it like, ‘I lost a hole pound this week!’ It is not the first time that I find myself giving people really good advice that I have trouble following myself. I have to work on that and remember that a 2-3 lbs. drop in a week is not only good progress, but it is also what the doctors told me that I should expect once that initial water-weight loss is behind me. If I can maintain that overall trend, then by September I will be at or beyond any goal that I have ever hoped for with my weight loss. I cannot be impatient. My body will lose the weight. I know that when I first started the extreme program, I lost a lot more weight that this in the first few months. Back then, I was at my heaviest weight, so it was coming off easier than it is now. Patience is key!

    My plans for today are to do some studying, and to stick to the program. I am going to spend a few hours this evening smoking cigars with friends, and I will take care to make sure I am not tempted by any food or drinks… and I will remember that ever-important lesson that a small handful of snacks – even healthy snacks – are not allowed on my program. I will be true to the program a full fortnight by the time I get onto the airplane to see Leslie.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 365 Facebook Group Post

    clip_image002On July 30, 2020, I posted this picture with the caption: “This IKEA bag is filled with clothes to go to charity tomorrow… none of it fits anymore!”

    I was so proud of myself. I weighed 279.2lbs, down from 394. I would, by two months later, lost another 19lbs… and then that was it. Something happened, and I started slipping. Eventually, by November 2021, I was back at that original starting weight… thinking that it was lucky that I had not donated that IKEA bag filled with clothes, because I would have had to buy an entire new wardrobe.

    365 days ago, I started on my own modified <meal replacements> program. I was not following it completely, but I was losing weight. It has been slow, it has been emotional, and it has had far too many plateaus that lasted far too long. Today I weigh 293lbs, and once again, none of the clothes in this picture fit. This time they have been donated. I did not wait for a giant mass; I have been getting rid of them immediately as they become too loose. I never want to wear them again.

    My weight loss blog has over 450 articles on it from this last year, and the offline document that compiles them all is over 320,000 words long. I have transposed my thoughts into the written word so that I can share my experience with others, but also so that when I do get to my ultimate goal and I do get complacent, I will always remember to put a stop to my backward slide before it can take root. All of those words might make for interesting reading, but it is all captured perfectly in images such as this: This is a bag of my fat clothes, and I never want to wear fat clothes again.

    For those of you who wonder if I am a failure for having lost and gained so much weight before – twice – I will say that I have slipped and I have fallen and I have given up, but I have never quit. I have never resigned myself to being fat forever. I have never said that I cannot do it. Like Thomas Edison who learned 2000 ways how not to make a light bulb, I have now learned two ways how to not achieve my final goal, and to maintain it. As with the Wizard of Menlo Park, I have learned from my failures and am at it again… using similar methods and materials, but a different way of implementing it.

    Friday is the beginning of my second year of weight loss, and with the recent (last week) shift from my modified program to the full and strict <meal replacement> plan for the next few months, I know that I can achieve the goal. With the support of my friends and those of you who have helped to support me and who I hope I have support and encourage as well, and with the grace of G-d, I hope that 2023 will be the last year that I ever have to lose weight again. It is my goal that within the year I will achieve my goal body, and that for the rest of my life – knowing how easy it is to get fat – I will mindfully work to maintain that goal body.

    Weight loss is simple… but it is far from easy. Anyone who reaches out to me for my support will have it. Ask, I am here. You are somebody, and you deserve to have the best body you can!

  • Day 365

    What a number. Today is the last day of the diet year one. Looking at myself now versus then is… well, the transformation is amazing. While I am still a work in progress in so many ways, I am absolutely a different person. I have shed in one year just over twenty-five percent (25%) of my bodyweight! In pants, I am down from a Size-46 to a Size-40. My shirts are down from a very tight XXL to a comfortable fit XL. While I still have a few pounds to go before I am at my best weight from 2017, the custom-tailored suits and shirts that I had made back then fit, and only the jackets are slightly tight. While it is not really measurable, my face is noticeably slimmer. These are just the physical changes.

    A year ago, I hated myself. I hated what I looked like, I hated what I had let myself become. I absolutely hated myself knowing that not only had I lost over one hundred pounds and then gained it all back… but I had done it twice in under five years. I honestly did not know if I had it in me to do again, and if I might not be destined to spend the rest of my life as a fat man. I hated knowing that one day I would be a burden on the medical system and on my family because I did not have the discipline to control my appetites. I hated that I had the choice of wearing XXXL shirts that exposed my belly or spending money on XXXXL shirts that would cover it… but would also make losing weight a less pressing issue. I absolutely despised myself for having to buy a 4XL winter jacket, because in Canada having a winter jacket that fits is non-negotiable. On the eve of my weight loss program’s 1st anniversary, I have not worn that jacket… I am wearing the much smaller one that I have had since 2006. I know that next winter I will have to buy a new winter jacket… this one will be too big on me. All of my XXXL shirts have been donated to charity or given away to friends. My blood pressure is extremely low (yesterday it was 107/62), and my pulse is on the verge of imperceptible (58 beats per minute). The two medications I am on have nothing to do with my weight issues (or any health issued caused by them). With that said, they are both directly contributing to my quality of life, and that directly affects my happiness. The difference between today and a year ago is that when I look at myself in the mirror naked today, I still see a fat man… but when I put on a nice shirt and pair of pants, I look in the mirror and realize how good I look… and how far I have come.

    I will be dealing with food addiction for the rest of my life, which means that obesity will be hanging over my head, like the sword of Damocles. It would take only one slip – forgetting to be vigilant with how I eat – for me to fall back into it. That is a difficult reality to contend with, but to underline the importance of it, let’s review the lesson of the previous paragraph: the more weight I lose, the less I hate myself. Corollary: The slimmer I am, the more I love myself. If the size of my body is directly related to the feelings I have for myself, then every time I start gaining weight, I have to remember that as much as I might dislike myself for gaining five pounds, how much worse will I hate myself for gaining twenty… or fifty. Mindfulness, vigilance, and dedication to maintaining a me that I will love. Of course, I am sure that aside from my wife, every psychologist in the world would tell me that I have to learn to love myself no matter how large or small I am. That is a great theory, but if I can stay slim, then I can continue to work with my therapist on all of the other issues that I have that contribute to negative feelings about myself.

    This morning was the first day in a while that I did not lose any weight. Actually, that is not entirely true… As with so many mornings, I did not weigh myself once, but thrice. The first time, I was .2lbs. down from yesterday. I decided to not save that and stepped back onto the scale. I was .4lbs. heavier than yesterday. That really would not do! I weighed myself one last time, and the number was exactly what it was yesterday morning. Even a week or two ago I would have kept trying until I got back below that weight… even to the original .2lbs. down number. I decided that the stagnant number would be a punishment for my impatient to lose weight that I am losing… even though I am not losing it as fast I want to lose it. As my wife has pointed out to me several times, my weight loss is not going to be the constant downward trend on a line graph. There will be ups that counter the more frequent downs. I also need to remember that every weight loss expert in the world tries to discourage people from weighing themselves every day. It is exactly because of the discouragement that people experience when the numbers do not do what we want that they give this advice. There are so many reasons we fail on our weight loss journeys, and discouragement is a big one. I will not be discouraged. I will continue on. If I persevered the last two months of plateau and zero progress (despite extreme emotional crises), I can look at a single day of not dropping any weight and laugh it off, continuing on my journey.

    My plans for today are to start studying. I have wanted to continue on my certification journey for a while, but my ADHD has really hindered that. Honestly, I always knew that I had trouble concentrating and setting my mind to studying, but I never realized that there was a medicinal solution for it. While I had heard of people who used drugs to focus, I never thought that I would be one of them. Today will be the first time in a very long time that I am going to sit down and study… I do not know how far I will get today, but I will do what I can. After all, it will be a huge adjustment. I do have incentive though… I will be working together with a couple of friends (well, one friend and her adult son) in a study group to prepare for the exam. Liz has always seen me as some sort of certification prodigy. I don’t know about that, but I have been able to pass a lot of exams… as long as the content is in my comfort zone. The course we will be working on is probably adjacent to my comfort zone, but unlike so many other exams that I have passed, there is no way that I could sit down at the exam computer today and pass it. Maybe in a few weeks… we’ll see.

    Of course, this evening I am teaching again, which is great because not only do I love teaching, I also love the knowledge that sometime in the not-too-distant future someone will be paying me for teaching! While I am looking at job opportunities, right now the only income I have is from my teaching contracts… so woohoo, teaching tonight!

    I plan to stay on track with my four meal replacements today. Aside from taking Her Floofness out for her walks, I have no reason to leave the house today. I thought about going to the gym, but I think studying is more important. The other benefit to that is if I do not leave the house, there are fewer temptations. For example, I know that in the next couple of days I need to go to Bulk Barn. I am running low on doggie treats, so I need to pick some up. In addition to that, there are a couple of other items that I want to get, but if I did not need to get Scooby Snacks, I probably would not walk into that store… there are just too many temptations there. I am going out tomorrow, Saturday, and probably Sunday too… I will gird myself to go into the store and not pick up peanuts or almonds or anything else.

    I also think it is time for me to change the theme of my blog. The more I look at it, the more I see that the theme that I picked is missing a lot of things that it should have. I’ll try to spend no more than twenty minutes on that.

    There is a simplicity to being on the strict program that I had not put together before. Since the Army I have said that best way to make sure that people make the right choice is to only give them the one option. When I was on my modified program, I had so many choices to make. Many times, but not always, I made the right choice. If I had made the right choice every single time, then I would have lost a lot more than one hundred pounds in the year. The strict meal replacement program means that I do not have to choose what protein to cook for my meal… and trust me, I know that I was always making too much. I do not have to decide what vegetables to add to my salad, or how much olive oil I should sprinkle on before dousing it with (how much?) balsamic vinegar. The only choices I have to make are: 1) What time should I have my next meal replacement, and 2) Have I had enough water today? That’s it. There are no other choices to make… which means there is so much less opportunity to make the wrong choice. I have already made the decision that I will have one pot of coffee per day (three cups), with 1/3 teaspoon of raw sugar and a splash of It’s-Really-Easy-To-Believe-It’s-Not-Milk. By eliminating all food, let’s look at how my life is simpler… and how my weight loss program is actually easier:

    • I know what I am eating… every meal, every day.
    • The only time I ever need to go into the supermarket (the den of temptations) is every couple of weeks to buy milk/not-milk for my coffee.
    • Portions are not an issue… every meal is contained in a single pouch.
    • I can work through lunch (if I want to) because it is as easy to drink the meal replacement shake at my desk as it is at the kitchen table.

    There are probably other benefits, but these are four that really stick out to me. Of course, Princess Sophie is a bit miffed because she is no longer getting the cartilage from my chicken… but we have plenty other treats in the house, and she is not going hungry. Just because I need to lose weight does not mean that she needs to go without.

    Okay, it is time for me to get off my butt and get things done. It is time for my second meal replacement of the day, and when that is prepared, I will sit down and answer a few emails before I start studying.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 364

    On days when I am going to the doctor’s office for my regular ‘official’ weigh-in, I do not wake up earlier or later than I would on any other day. If the appointment is for 9:00am I might set an alarm, but even then, I know that I rarely sleep in late enough to need it. This morning’s appointment is at 9:40am, and it was only because I have not been sleeping as well as I need to that I set an alarm for 7:00am. I wake up and follow my morning bathroom routine before taking Princess Sophie for her walk. When we come in, as I would almost any other day, I sit down at my computer and start writing my daily journal entry… or if I started writing the article the previous evening, I will continue writing it.

    The only difference between any other day and the days when I go to the doctor is that on these days, I usually do not make my morning coffee, and I usually will not make my morning meal replacement until I am back from the doctor’s office. I know that I will be stepping onto the scale within an hour or so, and I do not want to add those extra ounces or grams to the result. And so, I will sit here at one of my desks, typing the beginning of my journal entry onto one of my computers, trying to ignore the hunger, and the malaise that comes with not having my regular first cup or two of coffee in the morning.

    It is not unusual for my appointment to be at 9:40am (as it is today), which means that I will be back at my desk shortly before 11:00am. I will get home and immediately press brew on the coffee pot (I might not drink it in the morning, but I prepare the pot to brew as soon as I am home) and I prepare my morning meal replacement… even though the morning is mostly over.

    Most of the time, I know what the doctor’s scale is going to say. I will not know exactly, but I will already have weighed myself at home, and although there are some factors that result in my home reading and the doctor’s office reading not being the same, I know that for every pound I dropped on my bathroom scale since the day of my previous visit, I will have dropped a pound on the doctor’s scale… once I have converted pounds into kilograms.

    Because of all that, I know that when I get onto the scale later this morning, I know my weight should read about four kilograms down from two weeks ago, the metric equivalent of a nine-pound drop. That, my fair reader, is nothing to sneeze at. Losing that kind of weight in two weeks is amazing. Knowing privately that I have actually lost 90% of that weight in one week is even more amazing. Of course, there is the small fact that I stopped eating solid foods, and probably dropped my caloric input by 500 calories… not to mention that I have not cheated at all. I am not going to hide that fact from the doctor or the nurse; in fact, I am going to ask them if they can support me even more with that program. I will also tell them about my plans for the foreseeable future… including my plan to take a week off of the extreme program when I am in Dallas. I am in the middle of writing an article for my professional blog right now based on the premise that there are four people in life that you should not lie to: Your doctor, your lawyer, your bartender, and your banker. I want my doctor’s support on my journey. Lying to him would do nobody any good.

    Last night I was quite tired during my class. I considered making a Royal Milk Tea, as I have during so many of my evening classes over these last few months. That would provide me with the caffeine boost I would need to stay awake. I then remembered that I know the calorie content of the RMT, but I do not know the other values – sugar, carbohydrates, and such. I decided to skip the tea, and I tried to remember to cover my mouth when I yawned. If I am going to practice mindfulness, I am going to have to consider the pros and cons of everything that I ingest. During the intensive phase of my program, I am already cheating by drinking coffee – with non-milk and sugar to boot! – and I also had a couple of lozenges to keep my throat going during class. I decided that I would rather be tired, and not add yet another cheat to the intensive program… especially not the night before my official weigh-in!

    (This morning, I decided to look it up. Each cup of Royal Milk Tea has 7g of carbohydrates, and 6g of sugars. I am glad I opted to not drink it.)

    I have an app on my phone that I should be using religiously when I start eating solid foods again… and that includes next week in Dallas, when I take my week-long break from the program. MyFitnessPal allows me to look up the nutritional value of just about any food you can think of, including many popular restaurants. If your product has a barcode, you can scan it and it will immediately tell you what is in it. It will also track your food throughout the day. It takes a day or two to get used to entering or scanning every food that you eat, but once you get started, it is pretty intuitive. For someone like myself, who often has the same (or similar) meal often, you can save meals and just copy it to the next day. Had I thought to use this app last night, I would have known immediately about the 6g of sugars in a serving of Royal Milk Tea. When I am not restricting my caloric intake to 950 very predictable calories per day (four meal replacements, three cups of coffee with a total of 1tsp of Sugar in the Raw and as much as 2oz of not-milk), I should be using this app religiously to scan, measure, and track everything that I eat. I will try to remember to do that… that will be a big help to my mindfulness!

    According to the bathroom scale, I am down another .4 lb. this morning, but on days when I am seeing the doctor, I am much more interested in what his scale will tell me. Especially since this is my first weigh-in since starting the strict program, I am excited… but I know that if I leave now (8:45am) then I might get weighed earlier… but I am still going to be sitting in his waiting room for however long it will take. Better I sit her for a few more minutes, writing my journal entry, and compiling my thoughts.

    I changed my mind ever so slightly about this morning’s routine. I am going to prepare my coffee right now and will take my first cup to go. I have a really good to-go cup that will keep it hot and fresh so that when I step off the scale (and the blood pressure monitor is complete) then I can start right away. It is not that I am excessively hungry right now; I do not have a lot of energy and feel like that first jolt of caffeine would really hit the spot.

    Okay, it is now about 9:15, and I can safely head out. I’ll see you back here in an hour and a half. Trust me, for you the time will really fly!

    —

    I told you I wouldn’t be long, right? It is 10:50am and I am back at my desk with my cup of coffee and my morning meal replacement. The nurse took one look at me as I walked in and told me she was certain I had lost more weight. I did not say anything to her other than ‘I hope so!’ When the scale stabilized at a 4.4kg drop, she was indeed surprised… and I was kvelling. The doctor and I discussed my current strategy and progress, as long as a brief discussion of the emotional maelstrom I have been going through of late. He was surprised that through it all I have lost weight, as most people would have turned to food and drink. He is glad that I am optimistic about the steps we are taking to fix things, and that I am seeing a therapist. We also discussed the improvements that both Leslie and I have noticed since I started on the medications, and he gave me a new prescription so that I can refill it as necessary.

    Before coming home, I dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy, and hoped that they would have oat milk. They did not, so I decided to make a quick run to the supermarket to get some. At the same time, I picked up coffee beans, and a bottle of windshield wiper fluid. It is not easy to get in and out of the supermarket without succumbing to temptation, but I managed to escape unscathed. I needed to search for the oat milk – it turns out that the things-other-than-cows-that-we-now-milk products are in the organic foods section at this supermarket, and not with the milk and cream as at the other one I was at last week. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was not fond of the almond milk, and that when I was finished with the container, I would either go back to cow-juice, or try a different varietal. Two friends told me that I should try oat milk next, as that was what they found the tastiest. The last of the almond milk is in my current cup of coffee (number 2), which means that the great oat milk experiment of 2023 will be starting within the hour. I will report tomorrow how I like it.

    I had an interesting conversation with the nurse and the receptionist at the office today. She asked me how much I have lost so far, and I told her proudly that it was now slightly over one hundred pounds, but that I also have a long way to go. She said that ‘the first hundred pounds is the hardest!’ I told her that I do not believe that at all. Yes, starting to lose weight is hard… and sticking with it is even harder. That said, if when I weighed 375 lbs. I had cheated, it was possible that I would still lose weight. If we look back on my journey, there were days when I had what I thought was a reasonable serving of peanuts, and I lost weight the next morning. When my weight loss was stalled a few months ago I looked it up, and it turned out that the helping of peanuts I ate was really four servings, and I was regularly eating 700+ calories worth of peanuts. In the first months I would still lose weight, because my body was still used to burning close to 3,000 calories per day. After writing that sentence, I decided to see what it really was; according to my smart scale app, my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) on January 23 last year was 2,884. That means that if I sat in a chair all day and did no exercise, my body would burn that many calories for the energy that I needed to get by. This week that number is 2,280. Absent any activity, the body burns more calories and therefore you lose more weight the fatter you are… which is why a larger person can eat more than a smaller person and still maintain their weight. On the other hand, the slimmer you are, the more active you are able to be. A year ago, there is no way that I could have gone to the gym and worked out the way I do now (although not yet as regularly as I should). Exercise not only burns calories, but it also boosts your metabolism so that your body will continue to burn more calories for hours after your workout is done.

    What is the verdict? If we round up the amount of weight, I needed to lose at the beginning of this journey to two hundred pounds, which hundred would be easier, the first or the second? The answer is neither. There is no such thing as an easier-to-lose hundred pounds. Losing that much weight is extremely difficult, and the factors involved in continuing to lose weight do not only fluctuate by hundred, they actually change drastically for every five or ten pounds lost. Will the next ten pounds that I lose be easier or harder than the last ten pounds that I lost? Until you realize that every pound to lose is a struggle and that every pound lost is a victory, you cannot begin to fathom the difficulties involved in the first pound right to the last one.

    I will add to this that people who go on a diet to lose ten pounds or twenty will look at someone like me in awe. In truth, I understand that their comparatively miniscule weight loss goals are dwarfed in comparison with the successes I have already achieved, as well as with my future goals. I suspect that for them, the 10-20 pounds might be as difficult to lose as my 180-200 pounds. Not only do we have to consider the percentage of body weight differences, but also the fact that I had to get into a mindset and commit myself to a multi-year journey. Most people do not realize that even on the most extreme programs, most diet professionals tell their patients to expect no more than a 1–2-pound drop per week. When I embarked on my journey, I knew that I would be working at it for at the most optimistic a year, and more realistically for 2-3 years. In fact, had my body trusted those professionals, that 200-pound drop would take nearly four years. Yes, the heavier you are, the quicker the weight will come off… but that tapers off. If someone who weighs 150lbs. wants to drop to 135lbs. they might think that it would take a week or two. In fact, it can be a 2–3-month journey. I mention all of this to say that huge weight loss and minor weight loss are absolutely different… but that does not mean that one is easier than the other.

    I could continue to go on with this topic, but it is approaching noon, and I have another article (for my professional blog) that I have been meaning to write. I am sure I will have plenty of thoughts to bloviate about tomorrow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 363

    Today is the ninth day in a row that my weight has dropped, and I am in a pretty good mood about that. I am also in a much more optimistic mood this morning with regard to several other issues that have been weighing on me these last few weeks. If you combine those two factors together, I have hopes that today might be a good day.

    I booked a haircut and beard trim over the weekend for this morning. I have been going back and forth over what to do with my beard, and this morning I made a decision. I am not going to say what that decision is because I do not want my most loyal reader (and wife) to know in advance. Sorry Lesi-chan, you are just going to have to wait until Barney is done with me to see!

    They say that for therapy to help to fix a problem, it will hurt. This is why every therapist office that I have seen (which includes a couple of military ones, a few civilian ones, and many more on television and in movies) has a box of tissues easily accessible to the patient (or patients). Yesterday’s drive to Scarborough was pretty uneventful until I received a message that led to a difficult conversation, and a lot of emotional pain. The next few hours were hard, and I am glad that when I got to my friend’s place in Cambridge (over an hour’s drive from Scarborough) there was something that we ended up talking about for most of the afternoon to distract me. More on that later. In the evening, my non-therapy session continued, and once we got past the hurt, and understood where all of the miscommunications were and how they led to so much pain, we were able to get past the hurt and begin to discuss how to make things better. That will be an ongoing conversation.

    Scarborough went exactly as I thought it would. I got there, collected the meal replacements, paid, and left… although we did have a conversation for a few minutes, mostly about her family. It was a happy coincidence that the number of boxes that I wanted was exactly the size of a case from the manufacturer, so that box was sitting waiting for me. She (Nurse Laura) insisted that despite it being factory sealed, we open it to make sure that the product matched the description, that the expiration date was as promised, and she even opened two smaller boxes to count the number of packages within. When she asked if I wanted her to open them all to confirm the count I politely declined. The box fit easily into my car trunk, and I was good to go. I was mistaken in just how big this would be, and it does all fit into my cupboards (with plenty of room to spare). It will not be in my face as I said yesterday. That does not change the fact that I will be on the product exclusively, at least for the next eight days. With a trip to Dallas coming up, I will likely spend the week that I am in Dallas back on my modified program and will resume the regimented program upon my return to Canada.

    I arrived at my buddy’s house around 12:30pm, and it was time for a meal replacement. I took my shaker bottle and one pouch into the garage (the smoking lounge) to prepare and enjoy it before lighting my cigar. My buddy noticed the name on it and said ‘Oh, I just got accepted into the medical weight loss program at the local hospital and will be starting on that product when we begin!’ While I refuse to give weight loss advice (every overweight person has already gotten far too much of that), I am also more than happy to share my experience and strategies – including my successes and failures – with friends… and with people on the Internet who ask me for it. We spent several hours talking about how the program works, what the emotional toll is, and so much more. I never realized that there was so much to say, but two cigars later I cut it short to head out. One of the most important factors to his success will be his family. I know them all and discussed briefly with both of his parents (who came into the garage at different points) what they will need to do to support him, and how important that will be for him when he starts. I also told him that during that first week of shakes only he should sleep on my couch, because he will want to kill someone or everyone all the time. Due to the backlog in the Ontario Bariatric Network – or maybe specifically at his local hospital – he did have his orientation call, but he will not be starting on the program for another year. I told him that I am happy to support him through his journey. He has one advantage over me – he is fifteen years younger than I am. Yes people, that does make a huge difference.

    I was listening to CBC radio yesterday morning (as I always do when I take Her Floofness on her morning walk). When the news is over, I will continue to listen to the talk radio station (unless the show Q is on, at which point I immediately switch to Spotify) until we come back home, at which point I usually take my earbuds out. The topic yesterday was obesity, specifically the drug Ozempic. While I will not go into detail about the conversation, I was so happy to hear the guest (a medical doctor) discussing it because she referred to obesity as a chronic disease. I have been dealing with obesity for most of my post-military life, and aside from all of the other programs I have tried (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and many more), I have been to a number of weight management clinics run by doctors since I started really trying in 2013. In all of that time, I have heard obesity referred to as a disease, but never as chronic. That is so important for us to realize, and it is why most of us, after losing weight and showing such success on whatever program we try, usually gain the weight back. While I have heard wonderful things about Ozempic, I did not realize that it was a drug that one would have to take for the rest of their life. I truly hope that I am able to lose the weight both non-surgically and without medication, but I am also really hoping that this time, once I achieve my long-term weight loss goals, I will be able to maintain it through constant awareness and vigilance. Yes, like any addict I know that I will never have the luxury of ‘just letting myself go for a few days.’ Yes, I will have cheat meals… but I will plan for them in advance, and I will keep them as infrequent as I can. As a diabetic must constantly monitor their blood sugar and insulin, eating and medicating accordingly, I, a sufferer of chronic obesity, will have to constantly monitor what I eat, and cut back and increase my exercise accordingly.

    Okay, it is time to head out to the barber. I’ll continue writing when I am back!

    —

    I am back, and my face looks cleaner than it has in a very long time. I do not remember when I started growing my beard out again; I do know that my goatee is smaller than it has been since I started wearing it in 2015. I will not post a picture online (nor this article describing it) until Leslie has seen it, which she will do when she is finished with her call. I am excited to see her reaction. In the last four days I have gone from the long rabbi-beard to trimming the full beard short, and now to the clean and subtle goatee. The before and after pictures will show a real contrast!

    It is almost 12:30pm, and I am enjoying my second meal replacement of the day. When I went into the freezer to grab an ice cube, I noticed a steak just sitting there. With the major milestones that I have achieved in the last few days, I definitely deserve to reward myself, but I am not going to. I booked my airfare to Dallas this morning for next Wednesday, and I will be there for a week. For that week, I am taking a break from the full program; while I will take care to not go crazy, I will eat with my wife – both at home and in restaurants – during the week. We not have seen each other nearly two months by the time I get there, and I want us to enjoy our short time together. As it is, I will be teaching two of the seven nights that I am there, which will leave us only five evening meals together. Yes, we will have breakfasts and lunches… and I will make a point of eating consciously while I am there. I would not be upset if I returned to Canada up a pound. I would be very disappointed in myself if after a week of splurging I was up five pounds or more. I have to remember to pay attention.

    I suppose the lesson of the previous paragraph is the one that I will have to most integrate into everyday life from the moment I am finished on my program – or really, starting now – and for the rest of my life. Constant mindfulness is what I will need in order to achieve and then maintain my goal weight. I will have to remember that. When I am going out to a restaurant, the mindfulness should ideally start well in advance. Once I know what restaurant I will be going to – and by trying to choose only restaurants where it is easy to be good – I should try to look online to see what their food options are, and what the nutritional values of them are. As I discussed with my buddy yesterday, calories are the measurement that so many focus on, but in fact it is neither calories nor fat that are the real problems. It is carbohydrates and starches that cause most of our obesity. So yes, the menu in many restaurants will list the caloric values of each dish, but by looking them up in advance I can choose in advance the truly healthier meals. I use that word in the context of the restaurant, because as I have said many times, with few exceptions there is really no such thing as a truly healthy meal at a restaurant. By being informed and mindful of what I order, and then not letting myself get tempted by my eyes, I hope it is possible to get slim and healthy… and to stay that way.

    To be clear, my breaking from the strict program is only for the week that I am away. As soon as I am back in Canada I am resuming from where I left off: four meal replacements per day, and nothing else. I have given it some thought, and realize that if I am vigilant with it, it would not be unrealistic to get to my next major milestone by the beginning of March. On September 27, 2020, I weighed 260.4 lbs. This morning I weigh thirty-four pounds more than that. If I can stick to the strict program for six weeks (minus my week in Dallas), then that is very possible. We’ll see.

    Okay, my wife has seen my goatee and approves. Now I can not only publish this entry, but I can also post a picture on Facebook! I told her that I would love to post before and after pictures, which got me thinking… My weight loss before picture is from January 20, and I took an interim picture to post side-by-side on my blog on August 7 (Day 200), when I was seventy pounds down. Maybe it is time to take a new picture for that comparison. I will wait until next week when I am in Dallas; if for no other reason, there is nobody on earth who looks at me with such love and admiration as Leslie, so why not have her take the picture? Of course, it would be great if I can drop another 6-7 lbs. in the meantime… but that is not why I am waiting. Frankly, I do not feel comfortable asking friends to take that sort of picture. It was my son the elder who took the last one, and he is taking a bit of a time-out from me.

    I just booked an appointment to have my blue sports jacket altered; I will head over there this afternoon, and I asked if I could pick it up by next Tuesday… before I fly to Dallas. I like dressing up for my wife, and with my best shirts and suits and stuff finally fitting properly, I can finally do it without looking like a schlub.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 362 (For real this time!)

    As I wrote yesterday, there was no way for the bathroom scale to register a weight loss this morning without bringing me to the point of a one-hundred-pound loss. Following my morning washroom routine, I walked into the bedroom and looked at Princess Sophie and said ‘Girl, let’s hope to see the integer drop. Even if the fraction is .8, I would love to see the whole number as 294. 295 would reach it, but let’s hope that I surpass that number. I stepped onto the scale, looking straight ahead for five seconds as I always do so that the weight can be confirmed. The numbers on the scale read 294.6 lbs. I did it. Three days short of the one-year anniversary of my weight loss journey, I have surpassed the one-hundred-pounds milestone. I do not have a mirror in my room, but I can only assume there was a big smile on my face. I am not nearly at my goal weight, but I reached the next huge milestone.

    In the end, I did not go for my drive yesterday. I did not go to see Lyle yesterday. In fact, I did not leave the building except for when I walked Her Floofness. So, it is easy to jump to the conclusion that I did not accomplish anything. In fact, I went through all of my shirts (and I had a lot of them!) and tried them all on… or at least, I tried on all of the ones that I have not worn in the last week or two. I know that my custom-tailored shirts all fit, so that is fine. I was thrilled that all but one of my guayabera shirts fit. There are a couple of long-sleeved ones that I am really happy I can wear again. There is one that does not fit, but it should fit in a couple of months… if I keep up with my progress.

    I actually made three piles, in addition to the nineteen shirts that I put back into the closet: Shirts that don’t fit yet went into a bin with the rest of my pants that do not fit yet, along with a few t-shirts. Shirts that are too big were divided into two piles: one to donate, but the other pile is of really nice button-down shirts that I am offering to a friend who is bigger than I am, but who might be able to wear them. That pile has a dozen shirts that were all very expensive and are in very good condition. If he does not want the then I will offer them to another friend, and if he doesn’t want them then they are all being donated. This will all happen this week. In the meantime, my closet is so much cleaner with so muck more space that it has had in a very long time! I even re-hung the hang-down soft shelves unit that I was planning to take to Dallas with me. Only this morning did it occur to me that I am not quite done… there are shirts hanging in the closet in Dallas that will either come back to Canada with me or will be donated in Dallas. The timeline for that is not clear, but if nothing else, some of those shirts might make the trip back to Canada to be donated here, if only so that I can use them as packing material.

    I could not understand why my apartment was so cold yesterday. I was absolutely freezing by around 4:00pm, which was weird because yes, it was cold outside… but it was much warmer than it had been even earlier in the day, let alone the last few days. It was only after I got up to turn the thermostat up – and realized it was already at 75°F – that I knew something was wrong. I am feeling fine – not a hint of sick – so what is wrong with me? And then it dawned on me… I had already drunk 4-6 litres of water in the afternoon, and that makes all the difference. During both of my previous extreme weight loss attempts, I had made notes that the huge quantities of water that I drink have several effects, including, most relevant to this topic, is that it causes me to feel really cold… especially my extremities! While that does not solve the problem, at least it helps to know what is causing it. Yay.

    Something that I was worried about as I prepared to start my intensive program was that I have food in the house. When I first did the program in 2017, I emptied the fridge and the cupboards. I threw out everything… including spices. The only thing that I had in the cupboards for the twelve-week intensive program were boxes of my meal replacement shakes. This time around, I did not make that jump. If I wanted to, there is plenty of tuna and salmon in the pantry, plus a couple of cans of soup… and yes, all of my spices are still there. I don’t have much other than condiments in the fridge (except for a couple jars of pepperoncini, partly because I really like them but also partly because I always thought it was fun to hear Leslie’s reaction when she saw them. In the freezer I have a lot more… aside from a half-dozen Montreal bagels, there are a couple of steaks, several pieces of fish, a couple of packages of Beyond Meat burgers (and a package of the ground beef), and a box of a Buffalo Cauliflower meal that I think I bought to make when Leslie was here last but never did. The point of this is that I have plenty of opportunity to cheat… and like at lunch on Saturday, I get to prove to myself each time I open the fridge that I have the willpower to resist the temptations. In addition to everything else, it is another way that I can try to change my behaviours for the long term, all with the goal of breaking my unhealthy relationship with food.

    Like every day since Wednesday, yesterday’s intake was four meal replacements only. The difference is that yesterday morning I made the switch from the American product (with fewer calories, but more shakes per day) to the Canadian product. Unlike the American program, the Canadian one calls for four shakes per day; at 225 calories each, that makes a 900-calorie day. Add the negligible calories from what I add to my coffee, I will still be under 950 calories per day. As long as I can continue to lose weight on that, I will be happy. Now if plateau again, the only change that is left to make would be to cut out coffee… or at least the sugar and milk (or non-milk) that I add to it. I have not decided how long I will stay on the program, but I do have some thoughts on it that I will share later.

    I have been spending so much time these last few weeks about achieving the under-300 lbs. milestone and the losing 100 lbs. milestone that I have not really taken the time to recognize another, which is less clearly delineated that these others. In all of my serious weight loss attempts over the past six years, I have established and then several times changed what my ultimate goal weight is. That number has fluctuated between 195 lbs. and 225 lbs.; in the app that tracks my weight that came with the bathroom scale, that number is currently set to 210 lbs., only because the app needs you to enter a goal weight. In truth, I realized a while ago that I have not weighed under 250 lbs. (which was already fat) since the 1990s… in other words, my mid-20s. As I write this, I am fifty years old, and I recognize that the older body will not look like what the younger body looked like. In other words, my goal is to be slim… but I do not know what slim at my age (and with my body type) will look like on the scale. The important thing for me to recognize is that I want to get slim, and whatever my slim weight will be, for the first time since I started this journey a year ago, I do not have to lose one hundred pounds to get there. It is unlikely that I will ever weigh under 195 lbs., but if that is where I need to be to slim, then by the time I realize that I will likely be within 15-20 lbs. of that number anyways.

    I have so much more to say, but I have to head out to start my day. I am making sure to take two meal replacement shakes with me (along with a shaker bottle, not knowing for certain how long I will be out. Unlike during my modified program, if I am out and about without a meal replacement, I cannot drop into Bulk Barn to pick up some peanuts without it being a clear violation of my program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Fixing the Days

    I knew there was a mistake somewhere when I did the math during my earlier post. After I was done with it, I decided to go back to figure out where I went wrong.

    This morning I was working on my journal entry titled Day 362, and I did some counting to the one-year anniversary. The numbers did not add up. I was pretty sure that I started this program on January 20, which would have been Day 1. Yet when I started doing the counting to Day 365, I was coming up with Wednesday, which meant that I lost a day somewhere. January 20 is this coming Friday, but doing the simple counting, Wednesday would be Day 365, which meant that the anniversary would be January 19. Something strange is going on in Whoville folks!

    I went back to Day 1 in my journal and started counting. I am glad that in the off-line version, I have taken the time to mark down the date almost every Monday and Thursday, although there are a couple of times when that was shifted for whatever reason. It took until I as nearly up to date… I had New Year’s Day (Sunday) as Day 347, and then the following day was Monday, January 2, 2023… Day 349. I went back and made the corrections in my off-line journal and will now go back and correct the on-line version on my blog. That will take a few minutes, because while I want to change the article titles, I do not want that to modify the links. If it has to then so be it, but if it can be easily avoided then I will be happier that way.

    It could have been much worse of course… I had to correct fourteen entries. Had the mistake been six months ago, I would likely have left it the way it was. I certainly would not have changed the blog (which will require me to go into each article individually, unlike the off-line version which is one large Microsoft Word document).

    Now that I have found and corrected the mistake, we can go back to accepting that Friday will be the one-year anniversary on my journey and continue as normal.

    Thank you again for reading!

  • Day 361 (fixed)

    .2 of a pound. Two tenths – one fifth of a pound to go! After yesterday’s .4 lb. drop, I said that if I repeat that same drop every day for the next four, I would meet my goal of losing one hundred pounds in one year. Honestly, when I woke up this morning, I was hoping for that consistency. Instead, I registered a 1.4 lb. drop, which left me .2 of a pound shy of that amazing milestone. To put that in perspective: my bathroom scale records changes in .2 increments… which means that the next drop of any size will put me at or past that milestone. I am really excited about that!

    Yesterday, I decided to get right into the face of temptation. As my friend was contemplating her lunch order, I strongly and persistently encouraged her to order the Buffalo wings. I should mention that this particular pub has some of the best wings you will ever have; as Liz debated with herself, she spent quite some time describing just how big they are, and she does not know how they do it. My mouth was watering, and I tried to convince her to do it. I should mention that in the last year I have lost the equivalent of her body weight… and I have to lose nearly another one of her in the next year. I say this to underscore that she is a very petite woman. It was only when I explained that I would not be eating that she decided to order the Greek salad. With that, my testing my ability to resist temptation was foiled not by failure, but by forfeit of the other side, rather than my own surrender.

    In the end, I did walk the kilometre to the pub, and then back again. Liz and her boyfriend offered to drive me home; despite the chilly temperatures, it was a gorgeous sunny day, so I decided to hoof it. According to my fitness watch, I did more walking yesterday than I have any day since Sunday… and possibly more than a couple of days combined. It was a good opportunity to get some steps in, knowing that I have not been to the gym since last weekend. When I got home, I took twenty minutes to answer a couple of emails (or at least to compose them… I am going to reread one of them before sending it, and I know that my response is not expected over the weekend anyways). I then drove to Oakville to have coffee with a friend who I used to teach Taekwondo with. It was good to catch up with him – I have not seen him since 2014.

    I got home from that meeting after 6:00pm and realized that I had only had two meal replacements. I prepared my third one immediately, knowing that, once again, I would only be having four shakes on the day. While I know that it is bad form, and never recommended by the doctors who monitor the program, it is my reality over the last four days. I decided this morning that if I am only getting four shakes in anyways, I have just enough Canadian meal replacements in the cupboard to make the jump to them today. Tomorrow morning, I will make the drive into Toronto to pick up my new stock of shakes, which should energize me to stay on track. Also, if I buy a four-week supply (so that I do not need to go back to Scarborough for a month) then I will have too much to put away in my cupboards, which means I will always see it… so when I do get peckish, before I think to go into the fridge or pantry for a treat, the shakes will be in my face. By the way, because I did not have my third meal replacement until after 6:00pm, I forced myself to have my fourth shake at 9:30pm, even though I usually do not like to eat that late. There’s a difference between eating only 700 calories in a day and eating fewer than 500 calories. One is too little, the other is ridiculous and probably unhealthy.

    My plan for today is to visit with my buddy. Depending on how we are both feeling (and what the weather ends up doing), we might sit outside and smoke a cigar, or we might just sit inside and talk. The last week or so has been a combination of bitter cold and snow… and with the fact that I taught all day every day (and 9am-10pm Tuesday and Thursday), I have not been in the mood to sit outside… even with the heater going. Eduardo and I smoked in his condo Friday night, but that’s not the same as bundling up to sit outside. However, if my buddy is in the mood, that is what we will do. I know he wants to hear more about the program I am on, and the clinic that I originally went to for it. I do not know if the program will be right for him, but I will happily tell him all about it. The more I think about it, the more I think I might put off going to see him for a few days. I am just not feeling very motivated, nor very conversational. I know, I can help him… and he might be able to comfort me. I just do not think I feel like talking, and I do not know that I really want anyone’s comforting right now. Tomorrow I am tentatively going out to see my buddy in Cambridge, and I know that with him, I can either talk… or not. We might just sit there smoking cigars and watching TV. I just do not think I am ready to open up about what is going on.

    In the next few days – maybe even today – I am going to go through my entire wardrobe and start making piles… things that no longer fit because they are too big (or frankly things that I do not think will look good on me) are immediately going into a donation bin. Things that do not fit yet will go into bins (although knowing that I am less than 35 lbs. from my best weight in the past 30 years, this will likely not fill an entire bin anymore), and things that currently fit and are fashionable. It is strange that I have to do this again. This morning as I was getting dressed, I realized that the button-down shirt that I usually wear is hanging to dry after last night’s laundry… and then I remembered that I have a few other shirts that might fit. Sure enough, another Polo shirt that is smaller by quite a bit than the pink (salmon?) one that I have been wearing fits perfectly. I looked at the shirts hanging and counted at least six of them that I have not worn in three years because they did not fit. It is time once again to make more room in my closet… and at the same time, I can look at what is left in the bins of ‘do not fit yet’ – from the bins that I separated out almost a year ago – and do a bit of cleaning. If there are fewer than 40 t-shirts in that bin I would be surprised, and a lot of them are going to go to charity.

    It was January 30th when I first sorted those bins, and the stack of five bins has been in the corner of my room since then. That will come to an end today. If all goes well, I will be down to one bin of ‘does not fit yet’ and one bin of Taekwondo uniforms and belts from years (and schools) past. The first of these bins will stay put where it is. The rest of them will go into my storage locker downstairs, empty except for the one with my Taekwondo kits. While I am still nearly ninety pounds from my ultimate goal, as of this morning I am 34.8 lbs. heavier than I was the morning of September 27, 2020. That morning I weighed less than I have any day since 2005.

    As I have taken that stock right now, I decided to look at my numbers (today compared to my best day from 2020). Keep in mind that aside from the weight, these measurements are measured by a scale that cost $30 on Amazon and might not be completely accurate. With that said, the scale from 2020 and from today are the same make and model, so as inaccurate as they may be, those inaccuracies should be consistent.

    Today (January 15, 2023) September 27, 2020
    Weight 295.2 lbs. 260.4 lbs.
    BMI 37.9 33.4
    Body Fat 33.4% 29.7%
    Muscle Mass 169.8 159
    Basal Metabolic Rate 2280 2072

    I am not quite there… but I am not nearly as far as I was when I started out almost a year ago… or even a month ago. To be clear, the September 2020 numbers are not my goal. They will, however, act as my next major milestone once I have surpassed that 100-pounds-lost mark (hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday morning). I realized today that once I do achieve this milestone, I had no plans for the next one. Of course, I still have the decades (290, 280, 270…), but those are minor ones. The major ones are bigger and should be recognized… if not celebrated. I was speaking with a friend yesterday who told me that once I achieve something (which had nothing to do with weight loss) then it will be a cause to celebrate. In my current state of sadness (I am intentionally not using the word depression), I told him that it would not be a cause to celebrate, it would be just one more thing to recognize that I should have accomplished much sooner in life. Milestones are important though, whether they are celebrations or not.

    When I set out on this journey, I looked at my end goal – a 180-pound weight loss – it was daunting, out of reach, and completely unrealistic. On Day 2 – Friday, January 21, 2022, or about 360 days ago (looking at the math, I suspect I misnumbered a day, and my Day 362 of today might be off by a day!? I’ll go back and look later) – I set out major goals to accomplish at the 20, 40, 80, 100, 120, 140, and 170 pounds-lost mark. Some of them I accomplished – especially with regard to the sizes of my clothes and my wardrobe. I wrote at the time that I would begin jogging again at the 80-pounds mark, and that did not happen. Instead, when I had lost about fifty pounds, I started doing a lot of walking. I see that I hoped that when I was down 120 lbs. I would be ready to run a marathon. That is not realistic. I would have to start jogging first – and while I will, I think weight training at the gym is more of a priority. I don’t know if I will resume teaching Taekwondo, as I had set out as a goal for the 140-pounds mark, but I do hope to get into the Size 6 dobok (uniform) by then… and start working toward my next belt. The last of my goals was for when I have lost all of the weight – I had written 170 lbs. at the time, which would get me to 225 lbs. – I said I would put on my Army uniform and take pictures. That one is still achievable… I am just on the fence about whether I am going to do it or not.

    It has been about a year since I wrote those goals. While I am about to reach the fourth of the markers I set out for my goals, I think it time I start thinking about what the actual new goals should be. My life is not where I thought it would be a year ago – or a month ago for that matter – so while I still plan to continue losing weight and achieving my ultimate goal of being slim and trim (whatever the number on the scale might be), I guess I have to take a long hard look at things and take stock again. It is not what I thought I would be doing… but like John Lennon said, life is what happens while we are busy making other plans.

    I have been sitting at my desk for the last four hours. I have not been writing this entire time, but it is time to get cracking and do whatever I play to do for the rest of the day. I might just go out for a drive in the country – it is a beautiful, sunny day, and that would give me an opportunity to just put my music on and clear my head. In fact, I think that is exactly what I am going to do.

    Have a great day folks!