Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • The End of a Stressful Day

    It is 9:15pm, and I am looking back on the day. I tried to cut my lunch down to a smaller portion. A few minutes later I was very again… only to realize it was nearly two hours later, and I had been so immersed in my work that the time flew. It was not yet the time for my evening salad (nor would it have been convenient for me to stop working just then), so I decided to have a meal replacement bar.

    I went about my evening as usual, but an hour after my final shake, I was hungry again. I needed to focus in class, and I decided to have another meal replacement bar. All in all, I am 320 calories more than I should have been, but that is likely nearly entirely offset by the smaller lunch. Tomorrow I will readjust back to my larger lunch, in the hopes that I will not need to snack.

    I am not going to lie, it was a stressful day… but I made great progress in my work, and I suspect that I am back on schedule. I do not have a lot of work to do on the class tomorrow, and I will be ready to teach it on Thursday. I will not really be stress-free until Day 2 of the class is over… and that’s not until Friday afternoon.

    Next week should be slightly easier!

  • Day 97

    This week I am more stressed than usual. I have a deadline to finish creating a course which I have been working on, and which I must deliver Thursday. I will make my hard deadline, but it will be close. If I had been able to work Sunday afternoon (as had been the plan, then I would be much less tight about it. Such is life.

    While my weight was up this morning, it was not by any significant number. I am under no delusions that I will lose weight every day, so knowing that I was down the last two days is quite satisfying, and the .4lbs that I was up this morning is a minor adjustment.

    I took a chicken breast out to defrost last night, and that will be my afternoon meal… along with either steamed vegetables or a salad. Food will not be my main focus today, for I have too many other things to think about. The only thought that I shall keep at the forefront is that I will not veer from the program. Yes, I have a lot of work to do today. That does not mean that I should be snacking while I do so. While I have what to cheat with if I wanted to, I have, thus far, no desire to do so and indeed, I am hoping that by next Wednesday, a fortnight since my last weigh-in, I will have once again lost the 2.5 kilograms that I had been happy to lose each previous weigh-in… until the last one.

    In December, before I started on my program, I saw the doctor, and he proposed I get my bloodwork done. I told him that I would rather wait until I have lost a few pounds, but that I would. Now, on the cusp of having lost fifty pounds (although not quite there yet), I think it is time. I have the requisition form (which his office recently emailed to me), so all I have to do is pop into a lab and get stabbed. The next four days will be very tight, but I should be able to do it either Saturday or Monday at the latest. While it would have been interesting to see the difference in readings that forty-five pounds makes, I was too embarrassed to do it then, knowing how bad it would have been.

    Every doctor I have seen in the past twenty years or so has told me that I need to lose weight. It is nice to be going to see a doctor who is encouraging me to lose weight, but knows that I am on track, and knows that nagging me will not be helpful. In my article Awareness and Honesty which I published just yesterday I wrote about the positive long-term relationship I have had with this doctor, and hope to continue. When I went through the program in California, I saw a doctor who was also very encouraging. He helped me through the program for a few months as well. What a difference a good doctor with a positive bedside manner makes!

    It is another lovely day outside, and it would be nice to be able to sit out with a cigar. My schedule today will not allow for that, but by the weekend I will be able to relax and do just that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Awareness and Honesty

    There are myriad reasons why people are overweight, and I do my best to not judge people because I do not know their stories, what medical conditions they might suffer from, or the psychological trauma that they live with. The things that I say in this article are about me and are not meant to pass judgement on anyone else.

    Fifteen years ago, I moved from Quebec to Ontario. Aside from the obvious inconvenience factors, because our socialized medicine in Canada is administered by province, I was forced to find a new primary care physician. While it was not at the top of my agenda, I would eventually need to do it. In September of that year, I met Theresa, and it was just easy to go to the same doctor as she did. I met Doctor John Guy Yates sometime in 2008, and after the hiatus of living out of the country, I continue to see him to this day.

    As doctors do, during my first visit he planned to run a battery of tests – bloodwork and the like. He told me that because of my weight, he told me that he would also run tests on my thyroid. I asked him why, and he answered that very often obesity is caused by thyroid problems. I replied, ‘Doc, I am not fat because of my thyroid. I am fat because I like to eat a lot, and I do not exercise nearly enough.’ He looked at me and said that it is refreshing to hear a patient who is not trying to blame anyone else for their obesity… and that I was one of the few.

    Over the years, Doctor Yates has seen me balloon to my heaviest weight (twice – the second time I was living in the USA, so he did not see it), and has seen me drop to my lowest weight (or within 5-10 lbs of it). He has recommended me to a weight management clinic and has told me that I was pre-diabetic… and then, when I lost most of the weight, had the pleasure of telling me that I was no longer pre-diabetic. He has encouraged me in my weight loss efforts, as well as in my exercise regimens. These have included walking, running, Taekwondo (he knew me before I started, and look at where I am now!), as well as weight-training with a personal trainer. Now, once again, he is encouraging me by standing in for a weight-management clinic, most of which are still only doing telemedicine (ironically, since when I went to Japan, I tried to get them to do that, and they refused). I need the doctor’s office visits so that I can get weighed and really be accountable, and not just for the encouragement and admonishment I would get from the clinic.

    Fifteen years ago, I told Doctor Yates that I was obese because I like to eat. Fast-forward, I know there is more to it than that. I am fat because of myriad psychological issues that I have been dealing with since I left the Army… and before. The horrors of my military service, added to the trauma of an abusive childhood raised by a mother who always loved my sister more than she loved me (and who really enjoyed hitting me) have been no picnic. Add to that, it is impossible for me to discuss my military traumas with a doctor without security clearance… in Israel.

    In short, I am fat for two reasons:

    • I really like to eat foods that are fattening for me, and in large quantities; and
    • I spent so many years ignoring the psychological damage that I have endured.

    It cannot be as simple as that. I could sit here and write tomes on the reasons I have fought with obesity for my entire post-military life. Those tomes would be summarized in those two sentences.

    It is important when one has a health issue to deal with it. Of course, one cannot treat a broken leg with antihistamines. It is important to have the right treatments for the right malady. If that malady is an unbalanced thyroid (or whatever the term would be), then there are medical treatments for that. If the problems are psychological, there are doctors and therapists who can help you to deal with them. If you just like to eat a lot, then changing your eating habits is the key.

    Of course, once you have cured one or both of the medical issues, it is still important to change your eating habits. We might need to relearn how to eat healthy, and in some cases, we might need to learn that for the first time. If I gained the weight because of psychological trauma, that does not mean that as soon as I have dealt with that trauma (and let’s be honest, I will be dealing with them for the rest of my life), I will suddenly or even gradually lose all of the weight. Healthy eating is an important part of life, and please do not try to learn how to do it on Facebook… or even from actual books. If, like I had, you have forgotten how to eat healthy then there are professionals for that as well. Registered dieticians and nutritionists will educate and guide you in ways that books of fad diets and pop psychology cannot.

    That is not to say that all of those books or fad diets are bad – I remember thirty years ago hearing about The Atkins Diet, which from what I can tell was a program that cut carbohydrates out. In other words, it focused on ketosis. Yes, that can be a good program. No, it is not for everyone. In truth, despite what so many holier-than-thou proselytizers will tell you there is no single solution to losing weight and keeping it off that will work for everyone, and you need to find what will work for you. If it was as easy as everyone reading the same book and following the same program, then there would only be one book, and we would all be thin.

    Losing weight is neither easy nor simple. Before setting out on your weight loss journey it is important for you to understand why you are overweight… and to be honest with yourself about it. Nobody looks quite so dishonest with themselves as someone who tells you they are fat because of the slow metabolism, while ordering two pounds of Buffalo Wings with a large pizza. Of course, they so often order the Diet Coke to show you that they are trying.

    Be honest with yourself. If you believe it is your metabolism, or your thyroid, or any other medical condition, then speak to your doctor and discuss your options. Dealing with psychological issues might be harder than that… added to the stigma of being fat you have the stigma of being psychologically damaged. So many people are ashamed to seek help. You know what? Get over it. Psychological trauma is no less real – and is often much more damaging – than are physical maladies. If you just like to eat, then yes… dieting might be a temporary solution, but the better one might be changing your eating habits.

    Honesty and self-awareness are crucial to weight loss. Whether the food is the problem, or there is an underlying reason, you need to know. You cannot be cured by dealing with the symptoms. You have to address the source of the problem.

    I did not say that it was easy.

  • Day 96

    For the second day in a row, the numbers on the scale were lower, setting new lows for this diet plan. I am pleased that I am seeing some progress but wonder as well if I would have been more than 2/10ths of a pound lower had I not had quite so many peanuts throughout the day. I have to go back to my original routine… If I am going to stop and buy peanuts, I can only buy a single handful. While sitting in the car, I have neither the awareness of how many I am eating, nor the discipline to stop eating them. I know that I bought more than a reasonable amount yesterday. I will not do that again.

    Something else that I did differently yesterday was at brunch with my son. In this case, I think I did well. Rather than simply ordering the plain omelet with cheese a four egg-white omelette with seasoned chicken, guacamole and pico salsa served with turkey bacon and fresh fruit. 435 Cals. Considering the cheese omelette I would have ordered is listed at 735 calories, I think I made the right choice. The fruit was a minor indulgence, but otherwise I think the entire breakfast was a good choice. With a squirt of hot sauce, it was quite delicious, and for once I was not at all jealous of my son’s Oreo French toast.

    There were fewer people at Lyle’s for our remembrance of Cameron than I had expected, but that is not unusual on such short notice. Depending on the funeral arrangements, we have tentatively planned to do a proper memorial herf next Sunday, which will give everyone much more time to plan for it. Still and all, the day went exactly as I wrote yesterday that it would.

    It was a beautiful day to be outside, but because of the configuration of Lyle and Dorothy’s patio, we were truly cold… until I had the idea to move our chairs down to the driveway where the sun was shining. Just five minutes earlier, I had gone to my car to my car to put a sweater on under my jacket. As soon as we relocated, I took off not only the sweater, but the jacket as well. We sat out in the sun comfortably wearing short sleeves.

    Spring is finally here, and I have put my winter jacket away. I am hoping that I have worn that jacket for the last time. I hated having to purchase a 4X jacket, but my older jacket (which I thought had fit me the last time I was my largest weight) did not fit, and it is impossible to live through a Canadian winter without proper outerwear. I bought it on November 15th, and I was never comfortable in it… although I was always warm. I know that if I am still living in Canada then I will be buying a new winter coat for next winter. It is not that my old Colombia ski jacket does not fit – I just tried it on, and it does – but I bought it when I was either engaged or married to my first wife, which means it is almost old enough to vote. Of course, I am also hoping that, come November, the jacket that was too tight on me a year earlier will now be too loose for me… but either way, it will be a good opportunity to update my style somewhat. After all, I was in my early thirties when I bought it, and before I wear it again, I will be fifty years old.

    While I was trying on the old ski jacket, I also took a couple of minutes to try on the other jackets hanging in my front closet. I have a spring/fall jacket that is a delightful shade of light blue that fits as long as I do not want to zip it up. I might wear it in a few weeks, or maybe sooner if I feel like it. My Taekwondo vest does not fit yet, but it will in time for next fall/winter. Okay, it is really not a Taekwondo vest… the company I used to work for gave all employees a one-year gift, and I chose a voucher from Land’s End. I chose an insulated vest, which is quite nice and very comfortable… when it fits. Of course, a few months later the company let me go. Thank you Covid. While I had zero interest in ever advertising that company’s brand, I really like the vest. I had a patch from Taekwondo Canada which served perfectly to cover the company branding. Hence, it is now my Taekwondo vest!

    There are so many things that I am looking forward to being able to wear again as I lose weight. I am also looking forward to one day being able to walk into a store and know that they will have my size… and I do not mean walking into a big and tall store, I mean going into a department store and not being treated like Godzilla. For now, I am just really looking forward to feeling better about myself and looking as good as I can for my girlfriend.

    I checked the fridge, and I am completely out of vegetables. Once I finish writing I will head out to the store to collect what I need for the next couple of days. If I did not have a lot of work to do, I would consider walking it again… but that is a long stretch of time out of my day that I cannot afford today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 95

    Sad news of loss is always a potential trigger for bad behaviour. If not outward, then certainly dietary. I was saddened to receive word last night that a friend of mine had passed away. I knew that I could not let my emotions get the better of me, and I stayed the course. I did not indulge. In fact, the only food that I had after hearing the distressing news was my evening shake. I am quite proud of myself for that.

    In short, yesterday I ate what I was meant to eat on my revised program. I had a meal replacement in the morning and in the evening, at lunch I had my main meal, and for dinner I had a salad with salmon. I drank more water than I do most days, but that might be owing to my walk. Five kilometers is a long way to go, and the sweat lost must be replenished!

    While I was feeling the effects of the walk all evening, I am feeling much better for it this morning. I do not feel that my muscles are crying, and given the opportunity, I might happily go for another walk today. Sadly, after spending a couple of hours taking my son for brunch, I will be congregating with friends to mourn Cam’s passing. He was a fellow cigar smoker, and we will spend the afternoon doing just that – smoking cigars in his honour.

    Speaking of breakfast with my son, I will take him, and I will be careful. I know there are too many temptations at a breakfast/brunch table, and I will do my best to stay as true to the program as I can. If on every second Sunday I am going to break my diet routine to spend an enjoyable couple of hours with my boy, then I will do so happily; at the same time, I can focus on good behaviours, and not go nuts. The plan is to have a vegetarian omelet, no potatoes, no toast. It is near to as boring a brunch meal as I can think; my weight did not get so out of hand as to require a year-long extreme weight-loss program to recover by being boring. Knowing that is how I got to where I am (and to where I was three months ago), I will forego the exciting at the restaurant.

    It is a beautiful day out. The sun is shining, and while the forecasted high temperature is 13°c (55°F), it looks like the daytime temps will be a couple of degrees shy of that. I don’t mind… I’ll have my jacket if I need it, and we will sit around sharing stories of our friend. Our friend who never took care of himself. Our friend who five years ago lost his leg to diabetes, and never made any lifestyle changes to prevent the loss of much more. Our friend who has been falling deeper into the depths of despair and depression, who spent so much of his time cloistered in his untidy basement apartment, and who, despite the encouragements of so many of us, did nothing to prevent his senseless and premature passing. In the large group who will be there this afternoon, we will share the wonderful stories of him. When those who were not as intimate are gone, we will lament that we did all that we could, but it was never going to be enough unless he was going to do his part. He stopped doing his part months ago.

    If ever there was a sign from the universe that I am on the right track, and that I need to get myself healthy and into shape, it is this. So yes, I will raise a single dram to his honour today… but I shall neither eat nor drink my sadness away. Unlike Cam, I have way too much to live for.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Number Three… or Number One?

    Some of us seem to go to great lengths to procrastinate. I decided that this afternoon was a good day to go for my third walk. I was not sure how I was going to feel, so I did not set out with a distance in mind. After the first two kilometres I was feeling fine, but just could not achieve the same pace that I had for my first two kilometers Monday. I was under the mistaken impression that I had done better the last time around than I had, so I was disappointed by my pace. In truth, I was hardly off at all. My first kilometer was 8 seconds slower, the second was 22 seconds slower. Considering that on Monday I had the wind at my back, and today it was in my face, I really was not doing too badly.

    If I could not match my pace from Monday, then at least I could match my distance. At the second kilometer mark, I decided that I would match the 5km that I did last time. It is funny how things work… At the end of that 5km, my stats were almost identical to Monday’s!

    · Distance: 5.00 km (5.00 km)

    · Duration: 55:59 minutes (56:00 minutes)

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 11:11 (11.11)

    · Steps: 6.4k (6.3k)

    · Calories burned: 285 (519)

    · Elevation gain: 19m (14.1m)

    · Average cadence (steps per minute): 114 (114)

    What I am having trouble understanding is this: If every other measure is nearly identical, how is it that my calories burned today is a little over half what I burned on Monday? The only explanation I can think of has to do with the fact that Monday I split the walk into two and did my grocery shopping at the halfway point. While the app is paused for that, maybe there is something going on? I don’t know.

    Speaking of which, that brings me to the title of the article. This was my third measured walk of my new regime. Following my first walk, I wrote a piece called “But Was It a Workout?” in which I questioned if going out shopping, but doing it on foot, and measured, really constitutes a workout. My second walk was the same, except that rather than split into four uneven segments, it was split into two. Today was the first time that I set out to go for a walk without any destination. I not only changed my shoes but also my pants – I took off my trousers and donned a pair of Adidas training pants (note to self: I need a new pair of training pants), I put on a hoodie instead of a jacket. So, while it was my third walk, it could be considered my first workout.

    Whether it is or not, I feel good about myself. It was a grueling pace to maintain, considering my weight. It is also the first time I did two workouts (whether or not it was that) in a week. My hope is that, going forward, I will be able to do at least two or hopefully three workout walks per week. It may take a few more weeks – and a few more kilos lost – to get there, but it is a good short-term goal.

  • Day 94

    Today’s article could just as easily be titled ‘Perception of Progress: Do not trust your memory!’ I suspect I will have a lot of people who know exactly what I am talking about.

    I am in the phase where I feel like I have lost a lot of weight, and that I haven’t lost anything.

    Anyone who has ever had a huge belly will know that you can put your hands under it and lift it and see just how fat you are. The same goes for man-boobs. You lift them and bam, they are huge. I will not discuss the obesity of a woman’s chest for two reasons. First, having no first-hand experience having them, I cannot speak to it, and secondly, I expect that this is the one area where many women do not necessarily wish to shrink.

    I put my hands under my belly this morning and lifted, and it is truly large. It is easy to get discouraged by the sheer size of my belly. It is hard to remember that three months ago it was that much bigger… and while it is easy to say, ‘I’ve gotten nowhere,’ in truth I know that is it much smaller than it was.

    In fact, when Leslie was here a couple of weeks ago, I remember saying that I noticed that my man-boobs were much smaller than they had once been.

    With regard to weight loss and the shrinking of our body, perception is not in fact reality. That is why we need to measure ourselves. While I weigh myself on a daily basis, I only measure myself very occasionally, and I mark those numbers down even less frequently. My reasoning is simple: Every time I measure myself, I am disappointed. It disheartens me to see that I have only lost half an inch, or whatever it might be, after a month or two or three. It is interesting that I get excited by a 2kg weight loss over a fortnight, but not over losing 2” around my belly in eight weeks.

    After I wrote that last paragraph, I decided to measure myself. I have actually lost about 3” around my belly and a little over 3” around my chest. That is pretty huge, even if I have so far to go. What I have to remember though is that three months ago, my Size-44 pants were all tight, and there wasn’t a single size-42 pair that I could hope to wear. I had shirts that would not even come close to buttoning up, and I had to buy a larger winter jacket because neither my ski jacket nor my spring/fall jacket came close to doing up. Today, some of my size-44 pants are too loose to wear, and the ones that are not are getting there. I am wearing size-42 blue jeans. Most (but certainly not all) of my larger shirts fit or are close to fitting. Both of the jackets that I had set aside are a little tight, but certainly wearable.

    Okay, all of that is great, and hugely meaningful. Some of the other things I have to remember though are that it is not strictly about size. As I walked HRF Princess Sophie this morning, I realized how much more comfortable I am walking her, and how much easier it is to bend down to pick up after her. I am not even referring to the fact that earlier in the week I was able to go for a five-kilometer walk, which is huge… but the everyday things that need to get done are easier to do than they were. I am finding it easier to put on my socks and my shoes. I am not having the same difficulties walking. My knees still hurt when I walk up or down stairs, but that is in part due to injuries. I have an easier time getting out of bed, standing up (either from a chair or from the porcelain throne). I still do not find my low couch to be very comfortable, but I have no problem sitting or lying on it, because I can much more easily stand up from it. All of the activities that were (and still might be) more difficult with all of the weight are getting easier. It is a gradual process, but it is progress.

    A month or so ago, my doctor asked me what exercise I am doing. I told him that I am walking HRF a couple of times per day. He told me that unless I had a larger and more energetic dog, it was unlikely that the start-stop pace of dog-walking was going to get my cardio going. He was right, but now I can go out for those much longer walks when I want to. I will try to do it more often as the weather gets nicer. I know that in a couple of weeks I will be in Cuba, and I will try to get some good walks in there (no excuses on the weather, other than some might find it to be too hot).

    I have a long way to go; in truth, I am probably under one third of the way to the total weight loss I want to achieve. Every journey starts with a single step, and every diet starts with a single day. Today is the ninety-fourth day of my journey, and while there have been bumps and even severe bumps along the way, I am confident that I can continue to lose weight so that in time, hopefully within a year, I can have the slamming body that I always wished I could have.

  • Lead Me Not Into Temptation!

    Thank you, but I know the way. I do not need any help finding temptation, it is all around me. When it is not around me, I am still tempted by things in my mind.

    To wit: While there are ‘naughty’ foods in my kitchen, most of them are things that are reserved for Leslie to enjoy during her visits. I have never been tempted by Bear Claw cookies or by marshmallows. Don’t get me wrong, they are both snacks that I would enjoy, but unlike other things that could be lurking in my cupboards, I have never salivated over either of these.

    We all have our temptations… our Achilles Heel, if you will. Among my favourites are Buffalo Wings… dipped in batter and deep-fried (or even baked), dripping with sauce… these have been a weakness of mine since I was a teenager. Of course, they have to be really good wings, otherwise they hold little appeal to me. Unfortunately, there is a restaurant which I used to frequent under three kilometers from where I am sitting, that makes absolutely delicious (and sinful) wings. According to their website (www.montanas.ca):

    “Dusted twice and cooked to a crispy finish. Try ’em sauced up just how you like ’em. Served with your choice of dipping sauce and carrot sticks. 390-410 Cals/serving, serves 2”

    That sounds pretty reasonable, doesn’t it? Until you realize that the 8 wings is not 410 calories, rather it is 820 calories, because they are saying that this order serves two. Would someone please tell me what self-respecting (or not) glutton with a food addiction and a particular predilection for Buffalo Wings is sharing this dish with anyone? Nay, pray bring forth the double portion, and if my table mates wish to taste them, they can bloody well get their own! 1,640 calories of deliciousness for myself!

    By the way, the same page of the same website is advertising their cheese nachos at 470 calories/serving… but oh yeah, that order serves four people, so the plate is 1,880 calories. Unlike the wings, this is a huge plate, and likely will be shared… by two or maybe three people, as long as they are planning on a good main course.

    Just like there are social drinkers and solitary drinkers, likewise there are social eaters and solitary eaters. There was a time when I would try to maintain a sheen of decorum… I would eat reasonably in company, and when I was alone, I would go wild. I do not know when that stopped; I do know that after I started my diet, Leslie mentioned to me that she was surprised by how much I was able to eat before. On a number of occasions, I took her to a pub for dinner, and we would devour a large pizza and a plate of wings. By we, I think you can guess who did most of the eating. No, I was no longer ashamed of my eating… or maybe I was, but I was not going to hide it anymore.

    I do not need to get into my car to go to the nearest fast-food restaurants to get a triple burger combo, or to the grocery store to pick up a large bag (or two) of chips. Of course, I probably would drive to either of those places if I was not actively trying to lose weight. There was a time when I would try to justify that ‘If I walk there, I will be burning off many of the calories I will be consuming there.’ No, Taz… according to www.mapmywalk.com, during the 5km walk that I did on Monday, I burned a total of 519 calories in fifty-six minutes. Extrapolating from that math, walking to Wendy’s and back (1.8km) would burn 186 calories… according to the website https://order.wendys.com, a Dave’s Double® burger (with cheese… they do not seem to list the without cheese option on their website) is 860 calories. A medium order of French Fries is another 350 calories. Assuming you add a bottle of water or a diet soda, you are still at 1,210 calories. If you burned 186 calories to get it, you are still over 1,000 calories.

    I have a diet buddy who was telling me just yesterday that she was going to visit some friends, and she was extremely nervous about the pressure she would feel to break her diet. That is very real for some people. It is difficult to say to someone, especially someone who is trying to be hospitable, that no, you do not want what they are offering. No, they cannot get you anything else. It is a bit easier when those people know that you are on a diet. It is just not everybody’s business that you are on a diet… or what diet you are on.

    There are several different responses you will get to the statement, “No thank you, I am on a diet.” These include:

    • You don’t know what you are missing!
    • Oh, come on… just one!
    • These aren’t too bad for you!
    • They are healthy!
    • You can diet tomorrow!
    • What else can I get for you then?
    • What diet are you on?
    • Dieting is bad. What you need to do is… <fill in the blank>.

    I will address these all individually.

    First of all, yes! I bloody well do know what I am missing. Do you think I got to be morbidly obese because I don’t know what really good food tastes like? I do not need to diet because I spent most of my adult life gorging on things that do not taste good.

    Just one is what we call ‘getting the ball rolling.’ Yes, it always starts with just one… and then there will be another one, and five more after that. We do not have the first one so that we cannot possibly have the second one.

    Whether something is bad for me or not does not mean that it is on my diet or not. That is for me to determine, and I do not want your help doing so.

    Avocados are healthy. They are also fattening. The fact that something is healthy also does not determine whether or not they are on my diet. Again, that is not for you to determine.

    Yes, I can diet tomorrow. I can also diet today, and that is what I decided to do. Do you know exactly how many days I said to myself ‘I will start my diet tomorrow?’ How many times did I say to myself, ‘I will just take today as a cheat day?’ I assure you, if we counted them all up, I would be slimmer than Ally McBeal.

    Please, do not get anything for me. I assure you that if I planned my diet properly, I will either eat what I feel I can from what you are serving, or I will not. I might have a meal replacement bar in my pocket, but that is not your concern. Whatever I am doing, any pressure that you might be applying to me is as unwelcome as it is unnecessary.

    If I wanted you to know what diet I was on, I would tell you about it. If I do not, then it is personal, and please do not try to pressure me into telling you.

    Yes, dieting is bad… we all know that moderation is the key. Healthy eating is the key. Eating a half a grapefruit before every meal is the key. Exercise is the key. Getting a good night’s sleep is the key. Walking is the key. Taking vitamins and supplements is the key. With all of these keys, pretty soon I am going to feel like the school janitor in the days before there were master keys. In the meantime, you do you, and let me do me. Is dieting bad? Trust me, so is being fat. Your advice is as useless as it is unwelcome.

    Do you see what I am getting at? There is temptation at every turn, and we cannot succumb to it. We got fat because we did. Is there really anyone on the planet who does not know that a diet of junk food and not exercising leads to obesity? We got fat because we were too weak to resist temptation. We are being strong now, and we do not need anyone’s help to falter. We know where temptation is, and if you think you are being helpful then I assure you that you are not.

    It is too bad that those around us who want to be helpful so often do not understand that unless we ask for their active support, the only thing they can do is to passively encourage us from the sidelines… and sometimes that will be from a distance. If they don’t understand, put it to them this way: When you are watching your favourite sports team losing a game, what can you do to help? Aside from cheering them on and encouraging them from the sidelines, there is nothing else you can do. Running onto the field of play is just not an option. Likewise, the coach does not need or want your advice. Cheer them on, encourage them… nothing else is helpful.

    Dieting is no different.

    Do not lead me to temptation. I know exactly where it is, and I will go out of my way to avoid it, if you don’t mind…

  • Day 93

    Yesterday was my first attempt (after my celebratory day on Wednesday) at preparing my large/hot meal for lunch. I also decided that rather than having a large salad with a can of salmon for dinner, I would have a meal replacement. My salads may be really tasty and healthy, but if you factor in the entire can of tuna, they are also easily a 500-calorie meal. Yesterday’s consumption consisted of:

    • A meal replacement shake in the morning.
    • Two pieces of chicken, plus a large salad at lunch.
    • A meal replacement shake in the mid-afternoon.
    • A meal replacement shake in the mid-evening.
    • A pot of coffee.
    • A lot of water.

    I might have been tempted to have more, but in truth I was quite satisfied by what I ate (and drank). I will try to repeat the same plan today and see how it goes after a couple of days.

    Despite all of that, my weight this morning was up slightly… but after the tremendous drop yesterday, that is no surprise. As long as the general trend is downward, I will take comfort in knowing that I am doing the right thing.

    It was a beautiful day yesterday, so one might think that I would have been easily found lounging on the balcony and smoking cigars. No, I can’t do that… the procrastination I have done over the last few weeks means that I am now down to crunch time with regard to creating the course that I have to deliver next week. I worked on it for a couple of hours, but I also had a lot of other things going on. Today seems to be a lovely day as well, but I will not be indulging today… not until this evening, possibly.

    Okay, I have been procrastinating long enough. It is time for me to try to get some work done.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Brains!

    Okay, the honest title of this article should be Breads! But then I would have to explain that it had to be spoken in the voice of the zombies from an episode of The Simpsons… and I hate having to spend three sentences prior to writing my article trying to explain the title. I hope you enjoyed this daily helping of irony.

    I do not remember during which of her visits Leslie made a large bread pudding, but it was likely either October or November. This was well before my diet, and I indulged… and I did not regret a single tasty morsel!

    To put into perspective how much she made: Despite her having frozen more than half of what was left after the second night of our enjoying it, I still indulged nightly for a week. There was a lot of bread pudding.

    For better or for worse, I forgot that it was there. As will happen so often in freezers around the world, the container made its way to the back, and was forgotten for months. If it had not been frozen in a Corning ware pot, it might have stayed there until I moved.

    I have a collection of Corning pots and pans, and all the square(ish) ones have lids. Last week I cleaned the kitchen in preparation for Passover, and I decided to relocate these pots and pans. As I did, I noticed I had an extra lid… strange.

    I spent a few days trying to figure out where it came from? Did my friends who gifted me the set give me an extra lid? I think I would have noticed that when I put everything away the first time. Did I (or someone else) break one? I could not think that would have happened… Had it been Leslie or my cleaning lady, they would have told me. The only other people who have been in my kitchen since I moved in are Lyle (who has never cooked for me in my kitchen) and Eduardo (who I’m not sure has ever cooked for me anywhere), and my kids… Aaron did make me a meal when I was laid up with my broken ankle, but I was in the kitchen with him the whole time and I would have noticed. The only thing Gilad ever makes in my kitchen is microwave popcorn. Not them.

    Friday was the first night of Passover, and while I did not have a Seder to go to, I was going to do my best to make it as well as I could. Unfortunately, the stores were closed that day, so I had to make do with what I had in the house. I reached into the freezer for the homemade chicken stock that Lyle had given me a few months ago and I saw it… right next to the frozen chicken stock was a Corning ware pot covered not with the iconic glass lid, but with aluminum foil.

    imageThe mystery of the extra lid was solved.

    Yesterday afternoon I pulled the dish out of the freezer so that I could throw out the contents and reclaim the pot. Aside from it being Passover, bread pudding is seriously not on my diet. It had to go! The only problem is that it was frozen solid.

    Lyle and Dorothy had Leslie and I over one day and they told us that someone was going to buy some of their Corning ware, but decided not to, citing that it was not microwave friendly. That has become a recurring inside joke. All joking aside, I did not want to microwave it for two reasons:

    1. Doing so would render my microwave treyf (no longer Kosher for Passover); and
    2. The magnificent aromas of the defrosting desert would make my mouth water and would likely be too great a temptation to resist taking even a little taste.

    I decided to let the pot sit on the counter overnight. Sometime today it would be sufficiently defrosted to throw out.

    In the meantime, for nearly fifteen hours, there was a very delicious, very naughty, very inviting desert just sitting there on the counter, ready for anyone to just dive into. It need not be a dive… just a taste of the sweet syrupy goodness would be sufficient, right?

    Let us ignore for the moment that from mast evening through early this afternoon, I was very much in the doghouse, and worried that I might never be allowed out again. The emotions in me – the wholly negative emotions that coursed through my veins – were saying ‘WHO CARES? Why bother dieting? Everything put together sooner or later falls apart, and you only live once so indulge and enjoy!’ Had I given in, I would have been done for.

    There is a quote from the television show The West Wing where Leo McGarry (brilliantly portrayed by the late John Spencer) says ‘I’m an alcoholic. I don’t need a good reason to <drink>.’ (Season 2, Episode 7) He also says, in an earlier episode (Season 1 Episode 13), in response to ‘You can’t have a drink?’ he replies: ‘The problem is, I don’t want a drink, I want ten drinks.’

    When I am at my best, when I am focused, when everything is well in the world, then I might (and only might) be able to take a taste and leave the rest. Last night and this morning I was nowhere near my best, and my focus was shot. Had I taken a taste of the pudding, I would have taken another taste… and after a few ‘who are we kidding?’ tastes, I would have abandoned all pretext and I would have taken a very large serving… or two.

    Have you ever had a battle of wits with a recently discovered Corning ware pot full of homemade treats? If you have, then you might be a food addict. I know I am.

    Shortly before 1:00pm, I got the call that made my heart soar. Leslie had forgiven me. It is much more complicated than just that, but the details are nobody’s business but ours.

    As I started cleaning up my dishes from lunch, I held open the kitchen garbage bag and emptied the tempting, sweet, gooey contents of the pot into it. HRF Princess Sophie helped me to tidy up the tiny bit that fell onto the floor. I immediately filled the pot with hot water and soap, and then sealed the garbage bag and walked it to the garbage room.

    It does not take much to defeat us. It is easy to give up. That is why we must celebrate and share our victories, so that others who might one day be in the doghouse with a pot full of bread pudding sitting on the counter can draw strength and courage to do the right thing… when the alternative would be so easy.

    There are days when I falter, fall, and fail. Today will not be one of those days. We have to remember that as a mantra for every day.

    Mitch and his diet: 1

    Temptation: 0

    Final Score… for now.