Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Trying… really trying.

    It is 3:35pm. I am 2.5 hours past my second meal replacement, and an hour from my next one. I am hungry… but I promised myself that I would not cheat at all today. In a few minutes a buddy is coming over to have a cigar, and that will hopefully take my mind off my hunger. There are days when I just hate dieting. Today is one of them.

  • Day 13

    At 11:55pm I posted on my weight loss blog that I had cheated. Over the course of the day, I ate two or three (measured) handfuls of almonds, and that I felt bad about it. Not because I was worried that 30 almonds were going to ruin my diet, rather that the break in the routine – and breaking the disciplined regimen of not veering from the plan – might. I promised myself that I would not cheat today… at all.

    There are not many things that I really dislike about my apartment in Burlington. Yes, it is smaller than I would like; were I going into an office to work every day it would be fine, but working from home, I do wish I had a second closed-off room to make an office of. That is one of the reasons why my apartment in California truly was perfect. My bedroom was at one end of the apartment, my office was at the other (adjacent to the living room, which was even further from my bedroom). These were separated by the bathroom and the kitchen, and the way the building was laid out made it so that each room had a window to one side or the other of the building. The leasing agent told me I was lucky, that it was the only layout in the entire complex that had two rooms that did not share a wall. That mattered less to me because I lived alone with Princess Sophie but would have made a big difference to a family with children. I miss that apartment.

    The number one feature of my current apartment that irks me is the floors. Both the realtor and later the owner of the apartment told me at the beginning that there are issues with the floor, and when walking barefoot you can tell that there are some places where it is uneven. I don’t much care about that. What really bothers me is that in the bathroom, I can place the bathroom scale in one spot and get what I thought was an accurate reading… and then I can move it six inches, and the reading is a full 4 lbs different. Yes, throughout the course of the day, your body weight will fluctuate… but not in 2-3 minutes. That is caused by an unsteadiness in the floor. I suppose that for the time being, my actual weight from day-to-day and week-to-week matters less than the downward trend of it. If we can assume that from spot to spot may be inconsistent, but the same spot will be consistent, then what I am going to have to do is to figure out a way to place the scale in the exact same spot every day. What I might do is paint two lines – one from each wall – that I can align the sides to. I don’t know… I’ll figure something out.

    Aside from the almonds, yesterday was mostly a good day. Earlier in the day I was not good about drinking water, although by the time I went to bed I had finished two of my 74 oz bottles worth. Rather than drink it all starting in the late afternoon, I really should make sure to start earlier in the day and spread the positive effects of it out over the course of the day.

    (Directly after writing that last paragraph I went to the kitchen, got my water bottle, and took a giant gulp from it. It is not my first water of the day but having the bottle at my desk will be a constant reminder to drink… and I will!)

    Previously, I have been a patient of two bariatric clinics in Ontario, Canada. The first in Hamilton, the second in Ottawa. Yesterday I called both of them to see if I could get a prescription for the medically supervised meal-replacements that I want to use, and both said no. It has been too long, and I would need to see a doctor. Additionally, because the Province of Ontario will not cover someone going through the program twice, I would have to do it with a private clinic. I am not sure if I want to go that route, or if I want to continue to buy the product on the second-hand market. After all, they are not drugs, so it makes very little sense that one would need a prescription to buy them. In the meantime, I have made an appointment to see my doctor for next week. I don’t suppose it would hurt to get a referral to the clinic, if that is the way I do decide to go.

    When I was at my friends’ house over the weekend, I noticed next to the sink a bottle of keto-strips, and I was curious. I did not know that there was a product that you could buy that would let you know if your body was in ketosis or not. I briefly considered buying some – I even looked at them on Amazon when I got home. I then decided against it, simply because as long as I am losing weight, I am on track… aside from it not mattering if I am in ketosis or not, I think my energy levels (and consistent weight loss) are proof enough that I am where I need to be. If I was on the program for specific health reasons (other than morbid obesity), then it would be a different story. For the time being, I have decided that I do not need to pee on a stick to know what’s going on.

    I have just a little bit of work to do during the day, and then in the afternoon a friend is coming over for a cigar. I am teaching in the evening, but that does not get started until 6:00pm. It is good to have a schedule, and I am not meandering through the day aimlessly, giving myself more opportunity to cheat. Today will be a good diet day!

  • Not The Best Day

    It is nearly midnight, and I am disappointed in myself. Today I did not drink enough water throughout the day (although I did get through 100 oz), and I had two (measured) handfuls of almonds. I am sure it won’t kill me, but I am hoping to be stronger tomorrow. NO CHEATING ON TUESDAY!

  • Day 12

    In my previous journal I wrote that on Day 12 I was starting to feel a real difference in how I walk. Yes, it is less than two weeks into the diet, and I have shed nearly twenty pounds. I feel the difference in my pace, and the ease with which I am able to get there and back (wherever there might be). When I took Princess Sophie for her walk this morning the mercury read -12°C, which believe it or not is a lot nicer than it has been. We walked to the park and back, meeting a golden retriever friend who was a lot of fun.

    There is a rather unpleasant task that doggie daddies do that has become easier these last two weeks, and I am not sure if it is solely because of the weight, or possibly also because my ankle and knee have healed better. Kneeling down to collect her poop is much easier than it was. I am sure it will get easier still, as the amount of weight my knees have to support drops.

    Something else that I discussed in my previous journal was that I did not want people to know about my weight loss program, and that I was furious that after I confided in a friend about it, he then told his seventeen-year-old daughter… who then tried to grill me about it. He proved to me a few months later that he was not at all a friend, or at least not in the way that I need my friends to be. Days 11 & 12 were both foreshadowing the ends of relationships, but neither had anything to do with my weight loss. It is so difficult to make friends in Southern California, because so many of the people there are fake and will use you for what they need, and then throw you away. I was blessed, after I moved from Glendale to Westlake Village, to meet a group of friends who have proven time and again their sincerity. They will always be my true friends.

    Yesterday turned into a very productive day, even though I had originally said it was going to be a lazy day at home. The at-home part was true, but I got through a major task that I have discussed before. I never realized just how many clothes I own, and I am a little embarrassed by it. With Leslie on video chat, I folded and sorted all of my clothes. Yes, the other day I did that with my pants. One plastic storage container worth of them. Big deal. I was utterly amazed by how many shirts I own… and with only two exceptions, the two large containers worth were all golf shirts and t-shirts. In the end, I decided to change the system. I now have five storage bins in the corner of my bedroom with the following labels:

    • XXL Shirts & T-Shirts
    • Pants Sizes 40-42
    • XL Shirts & T-Shirts, Pants Sizes 36-40
    • Suits, etc…
    • Taekwondo – doboks & non-current belts

    That last container is large, filled to the hilt, and much more accurately labeled than that. Having been, over the years, affiliated with three different clubs (in the GTA, in Ottawa, and in California), I have several uniforms with different branding, plus my two pre-Black Belt uniforms. I also have a number of pair of training pants that I would wear under the more-important uniform top and belt. I am hoping that when I drop another 30 lbs I will be comfortable enough to start training again. While I live less than 2 km from the club I used to be affiliated with, owing to the change in management (GrandMaster retired) I will likely reach out to friends who opened a club in the same style. We’ll see.

    Considering that I am not a fashion guy, the fact that I have four storage containers filled with clothes, not having actually touched my closet, is amazing to me. It is not that I need this vast array of clothes; it is simply that over the years there have been three distinct sizes of Mitch, ranging from extra-fat (where I am now), to slimmest-ever (where I have been twice, once in August-October 2017, and again from July-November 2020). Judging from the volume of shirts, I guess most of that time was spent in the middle – the XXL shirts and t-shirts piles were far larger than the other two. This is good in the short term, because in a month I hope to fall into that bracket and will spend a couple of months there.

    While I wish I had not benefitted from doing so, I wish I had not kept all of my fattest clothes. It was not my intention to. In August 2020 I emptied my closet and drawers of everything that was ‘fat Mitch’ – the XXL and XXXL shirts and the Size 42-46 pants – and put them into a bag to donate. That bag sat in the trunk of my car for a couple of months behind my golf clubs and was only taken out (into my apartment) because I was driving a couple of friends to the golf course, and we needed room for their clubs. The bag then sat in a closet for months, until my friends who were emptying my apartment in California and shipping all of my stuff to me shipped the fattest clothes. Had they not, I would have had to buy a lot newer clothes than I did. I have no problem spending money on thinner-me clothes. I loathe wasting money on clothes that I want to shrink out of and never fit into again.

    I my first weight loss program cheat yesterday… albeit a minor one. In the early evening I prepared a bowl of soup, and while I was putting it on the table, my hand slipped, and I spilled half the bowl. I decided to replace the lost protein and calories with a handful of almonds. While I did not gorge myself on them, I do think that the handful that I took was much more than what I had spilled and would likely have been the equivalent of an entire meal replacement, if not a touch more. I was glad as I prepared for bed hours later that I was not overly hungry and made the conscious decision to skip my last meal replacement bar of the day.

    I want to mention that as I sit here typing I can feel my knees. They are not in pain; they just feel like I have been exercising. In other words, they feel like they carry around far too much weight and will be much better off once I am at my goal weight. That might be many months away, but every pound that I shed is a pound that they do not have to carry. I expect that they will continue to feel better as I succeed with my weight loss.

  • Day 11

    The contrast between my plans for Saturday (yesterday) and Sunday (today) could hardly be vaster. Yesterday, Princess Sophie and I drove to Strathroy (two hours away) to spend a few hours with my friends and godson and goddaughter (and their dog), then to Cambridge (about halfway home) to spend a few hours enjoying cigars and the company of other friends, and then home by just past midnight. The plan for today consists chiefly of writing, taking Princess Sophie for a few walks, watching some TV, and… yeah, that’s about it. In short, today shall be a relaxing day. Oh, I also plan to re-season my humidor, as well as continue sorting my clothes by size. Neither of these is exactly taxing.

    When we last visited with our hero, he was concerned that there would be a lot of opportunity for him (me) to veer from the program. (Switching from the third person NOW) I thought about it… several times. At one point, I even decided to do it… and did not.

    My first thought to cheat (and only real opportunity) came an hour into the drive, when we pulled into a truck stop for a bio break. As we walked into the store, the lady behind the counter told me that she cannot allow dogs inside. As I apologetically explained that Princess Sophie is a registered Emotional Support Animal, she pooped on the doormat. I was more than a little embarrassed! I promptly cleaned it all up, and then promised to hold her in my arms while we were on the premises. After peeing (which was an extreme need by this point), I prepared a cup of coffee for myself, and for a flash I thought to look for a beef or turkey (or any non-pork) sausage. Truck stops are famous for their dried meats. I felt bad about Sophie’s accident and wanted to buy more than a cup of coffee. In the end, I opted to simply buy the coffee, and let the cashier keep the change (which will benefit her directly instead of the store). I was not truly hungry, and within 45 minutes I would be due my second meal replacement of the day… it was just a question of buying something to make up for the poop.

    As I pulled away from my friends’ house in Strathroy, I ate my third meal replacement of the day. It was overdue, and quite welcome. However, as you likely know, it can take your brain twenty minutes to get the message from your stomach that you are no longer hungry. As I merged from the 402 onto the 401, I was tempted to stop and pick up either a sausage or a bag of almonds. The conversation with my girlfriend distracted me, and I did not.

    As I pulled off the highway in Cambridge, I decided I was hungry, and I was going to stop and get one of those snacks. I saw the Tim Hortons sign (they are ubiquitous in Canada) and pulled into their drive thru. It was not until I was driving away with my coffee that I realized that a) I had not purchased a snack, and b) It was not an unreasonable time to have my fourth meal replacement of the day. I enjoyed the bar, and when I arrived at my friend’s house, was sated. So much so that the bags of chips and bowls of (sugared) peanuts did not lure me away from the safety of my diet. I had the coffee… but that was it! Of course, I also had three Cuban cigars over the next five hours, so maybe I would have been distracted anyways!

    We left later than planned, owing to the fact that one of my friends’ girlfriends challenged me to darts. The last time she and I played (probably five years ago) I beat her soundly. I am never one to deny someone a rematch. While it was not stated in advance, I originally planned to plan a best-of-nine match, and that is how it worked out… with my coming out on top four games to three.

    It was nearly 11:30pm when we said our goodbyes and hit the road. It was now nearly six hours since my last meal replacement, and I once again started thinking about cheating. I was also thinking how tired I was, and how the sooner we got home, the better off we would be. No stops were made along the way. Arriving home shortly after midnight, I was hungry. I had my fifth and final meal replacement bar of the day, and then we went to bed.

    I should mention that while I likely did consume ‘enough’ water, I did not drink nearly as much as I have done over the last few days. Before I left for Strathroy, I drank a full bottle (74 ounces), and I took a cup with me (another sixteen ounces). That was all through by 1:00pm. I had a cup of coffee at Cam and Amanda’s, but no water. At Ryan’s I had a commercial bottle (probably 20 ounces), and when I got home, I drank another cup or so. All in all, probably 110 ounces. When I have been mostly sequestered at home, I am drinking over 200 ounces in a day. While I am not disappointed by 110 ounces of water (which is over 3 litres), I wonder if spreading that intake out better over the course of the day might be a better strategy. After all, nearly three quarters of that intake was before noon.

    I am proud of myself that I was able to make it through the day without a single cheat. I did drink more coffee than I normally would (five cups, rather than my usual 2.5), but that does not seem to have bothered my weight loss. The bathroom scale this morning has me down another 2.5 lbs from yesterday morning! I just wish I trusted it.

    I met my diet buddy yesterday! She came by early to pick up her share of the meal replacements that I had purchased for us the previous day. She is very nice, and while we were both in a rush (not only did we both have things to do, it was also 28°C below zero, so we did not want to linger out in the cold), I am sure we will at some point sit down for a coffee, or a glass of water, to discuss our progress. Our phone calls are helpful, but human contact might be more so… especially in these strange times when so many of us are working from home and not socializing much.

    Day 11 in my previous weight loss attempt made for an interesting read. It was the first time I ever documented that I was not optimistic about a future with Liza, despite the fact that I had moved from Ottawa, Canada to Los Angeles, California to be close with her, and it was that day that I was officially moving into her house. The relationship would last another seven months, but I was not really happy with her. In truth, I should have ended things with her much sooner than I did.

    On that day (Day 11), I had a conversation with someone on a Facebook support group about ketosis, and how not all calories are created equal. She had indulged in what she thought to be a 480-calorie indulgence at a particular fast-food restaurant. I had to explain to her that those calories not only contained a lot of sugars and chemicals that were unhealthy, but they were also nutritionally devoid of the nutrients her body needed, and that they were likely to affect (if not destroy) her ketosis, which meant the body would once again fight back against the process.

    On that day, I enumerated the benefits of doing the program while living alone over living with others who were not on the program. I have already called that out, so I won’t revisit it.

    It is interesting to see how many similarities there are in my thoughts and feelings at every point along the way. I think that is why I write… because if my three attempts at extreme weight loss have produced three similar experiences and thoughts and emotions, then it is likely that others will be having similar experiences, thoughts, and emotions… and it is nice to know that you are neither alone nor all that different from so many others.

  • Day 10

    I will spare you the ‘what I read in my previous journal’ wisdom today… the entry is not long or impressive, nor in any way insightful.

    I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleased with the number. When you are on an extreme plan such as this one, there are going to be days with multi-pound losses… especially at the beginning. Today’s drop was about 3.4 lbs, which is good… except that I still do not trust the scale because of the lack of stable integrity of the floor on which it sits. The first place I had placed it showed me down over fifteen pounds (from yesterday, not overall), which while impressive is not realistic. There are people who like to just hear good no matter the voracity of the statement. I refer to that as ‘blowing sunshine up my bum.’ I would rather have the real skinny (pun intended as an afterthought) rather than the fake pipe dreams.

    Last night, my girlfriend and I (she beams every time I call her out) spent some time sorting my pants by size. In the end, I had four buckets: Size 44+ (current), Size 42, Size 40, and Size 38/36. I placed each into a clearly marked bag, and then placed all of the ‘not yet’ size bags into a plastic storage bin. The ‘current’ sizes went into my armoire. I should mention that I denote it as 44+ because there are a couple of pair of Size 46 that I suspect are cut quite small and might actually fit for a few weeks. I will try them on this morning to see. If they are too large, they will go into a new group I hope to create and grow soon: the ‘these are too big for me’ sizes. Sometime over the next few days, we will go through the same process with my shirts, which will need to be broken down into more categories (long sleeve, short sleeve, collar vs. no collar, etcetera). Knowing now that she has a little something for men’s’ clothing, it will not be too hard to convince her to help!

    Fitness is going to play a big part in my weight management strategy, and it is odd that I have not made any mention of it yet. By Day 10 in previous journals, I had discussed long walks I had gone on, or plans to make use of my gym membership. Because of the pandemic the gyms are currently closed (or extremely limited). With the windchill it is currently -28°C outside, and because of a recent injury I am walking on a bad leg. I call this all out because I want to be clear that I will start walking soon. Yes, I am taking Princess Sophie out for her walks, but at these temperatures she does not want to go very far either. I will wear my fitness watch… but I have not been wearing it religiously these last few weeks.

    What I will say regarding my fitness watch, which I have put on a few times, is that the band is much larger on me than it was. No, it has not stretched; my wrist has shrunk noticeably with the diet. Woohoo!

    My plans for today are the busiest I’ll have had since the diet started: this morning my diet buddy came by to pick up her share of the product I picked up yesterday. It was the first time we had met, which is cool because it feels like we know each other so well. Princess Sophie is always excited when someone she has never met before greets her by name… it reminds her that she is famous, if only ‘Internet Famous.’

    In a couple of hours, I will drive out to Strathroy, which is a two-hour drive from here. I have a godson (Douglas) and a goddaughter (Cynthia) who live out there (with their parents, of course) and I have not seen them since Canadian Thanksgiving. I was supposed to go there for Christmas, but they were all sick. I was supposed to go there a few weeks ago, but there was a potential Covid exposure, and the mom had to quarantine. Today, everyone is healthy, and it will be great to see them all again. Amanda will be disappointed that I told her not to prepare food for me because of my diet… she knows that I love her cooking, and that is one of the ways she shows she loves her people. I will not discuss the Thanksgiving turkey dinner that she prepared… but it was out of this world! I am thrilled that I will be able to see my friends… who really are family! (Cheat note: If you have a friend that you want to be able to legitimately call family, make them the godfather (or godmother) to one or all of your children!)

    If there was going to be a dinner involved, I would likely have stayed there all evening… but as there is not, I will take my leave around 5:30pm, and drive to Cambridge to see another friend. He is a good buddy who has had some difficult times with anxiety over the last few months, and I like to check in on him every few weeks. Usually, it is as his place of work (which is much closer to home than Cambridge), but this is not only en-route, but he also has a heated garage/man cave/cigar lounge. It was he and his buddy (another friend of mine) who helped to bring my new humidor from the previous owner’s house (yes, my humidor is that big that it took two men with a pickup truck to transport) a few weeks ago. While I did gift them each a handful of cigars for their efforts, it was too cold to smoke here, so we will enjoy a cigar together this evening (one of mine, I promise) to thank them once again for their efforts.

    All in all, today will involve at least four hours of driving, in addition to several hours at friends’ houses who will all a) try to feed me, and b) have food out and about for everyone else, as I am the only one on this crazy diet. I will have to make it my primary mission to redouble my willpower, and to not succumb to any temptations. What I might do, when driving from Strathroy to Cambridge, is to try to find an all-beef sausage somewhere… or better yet, just a package of almonds. I will only do this if I really feel my resolve weakening. Hopefully, I will be able to get through it all without veering from the program. Just in case, I will take an extra meal replacement bar with me… which truly would be the best possible way to address the need to ‘cheat.’

    In summary, today cannot help but to be a great day for friends and stuff… but for it to be a great (and successful) diet day will depend entirely on me, and my willpower. As with so many things in life, today will be what I make of it.

  • Temptations and Cravings

    I am just back from going to pick up a haul of meal replacements (regrettably all shakes). I now have some 185 meal replacements more than I did an hour ago, which will be split between me and my diet buddy. They are irrelevant to the point of this piece.

    Driving to where I was meeting the person, I passed a fast-food chicken restaurant that I have often craved. I looked at it for a very quick second and then said, ‘not today.’ I considered it a minor victory.

    Here’s the problem: A few weeks ago, I picked up a meal from this very same restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, it still tastes good… but it was greasy, both the French fries and the salads were terrible, and within an hour of a reasonably sized meal I was… well, if not actually sick, then maybe sick adjacent. I was nauseous for sure. Although I had enough chicken and salads left over for another meal, I wrapped it all up and walked it to the garbage room. Within fifteen seconds of seeing the sign, I remembered this very recent event, and was glad the craving passed.

    Driving home, I passed by another outlet (same chain, different store). For a brief moment, I had those same cravings. Their special recipe of herbs and spices (still not naming the restaurant) is not only tasty, but it has also been carved into my aware for so many years.

    Shortly after I moved to Israel, I was living in Rishon LeZion and working in Holon. At the end of the day, I would take an Eged bus home, and it would drive right by the mall (which I believe was called Canyon Zahav, or Golden Shopping Centre). One day while driving by I noticed a sign that read (in Hebrew): NOW OPEN! <The southern fried chicken restaurant>. On many occasions I would get off the bus, pick up a bucket, and dinner was served. I would then get back on the bus for the remainder of the ride home. This was certainly inconvenient… but I loved the food so much!

    I was reminded again just a few weeks ago that I do not love the food anymore… and even if I did, it certainly does not love me. So why is it that as I pass it by, I cannot help but think – even fleetingly, before my rational mind kicks in – how nice it would be to stop in for lunch.

    The same goes for fast food hamburgers. I love a good burger, but between stopping at either McDonald’s or Wendy’s or Harvey’s or A&W (trying to name as many as I can so that I do not appear to be focusing on any one chain), or stopping at the grocery store and picking up some ground beef and vegetables and buns to make my own burger… the burger that I make will be far superior to all of these (not to mention healthier). Then why is it that when I see the arches or the redhead my mouth starts to water?

    I suspect the answer to this question is twofold:

    1. Between the billions of dollars that these chains have spent on marketing over the years, and the fact that I really like the food (or at least I once did), it is not unreasonable that when I see them my initial thought is longing, rather than disgust.

    2. None of these restaurant chains came up with their menu, image, and branding in a vacuum. They hired experts – including scientists who have done studies on what colours make people hungry, and what sounds and smells make them lower their food-related inhibitions.

    3. Many of the ingredients in the foods they serve actually are addictive. I’m not saying that any of them put cocaine or nicotine into their foods… but salt and sugar are addictive.

    When I have reached the end of my weight loss journey, I will have to remember that it is only the beginning. I remember when I earned my first Black Belt, my Master congratulated me and told me, ‘Now you can start learning martial arts.’ The belt was not the goal; it was a small stop on what would be a lifelong journey. When I reach a weight where I am happy with myself, I will no longer be replacing food with meal replacements… but I will still be on a lifelong journey, and every day for the rest of my life I will have to weigh the consequences of everything that I put into my mouth.

    They say that learning a new language is much easier if you do it as a child. I suspect that learning good nutrition is easier as a child too, and I wish I had learned it. By now it would be second nature, and not something I have to consciously think of every day.

  • Day 9

    As I was walking Princess Sophie, I realized that today is one of those ‘holy-crap-degrees-below-zero’ days. Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of time outside, so she did her business quicker than usual, and then we went back inside. There will be no sitting on the patio for a cigar today… not with the wind chill at -25°C.

    I do have to go out, and that is directly related to the program. I am meeting a woman to buy her leftover product, which I will split with Julie. I also have to buy a couple of things at the pharmacy, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I need. As soon as I do, I will make a note in my phone and that will be that.

    Aha! As soon as I opened the Notes app on my phone, I remembered… and it might have to do with the program. I realized as I was lecturing last night that my lips were dry and chapping. I need lip balm! How is this diet-related, you ask? One of the effects that the clinic told us about (the first time I went through the program) was that many people will experience dry skin. Considering the amount of water I am drinking in a day this seems surprising, but it is true. In fact, as we were chatting last night my girlfriend mentioned that my skin looked dry, and that I should be moisturizing. I am, but obviously not enough… and not consistently.

    Reading back on my previous journal, on Day 9 I was focused on my schedule… I wanted to make sure I had every meal replacement exactly at the right time, else I might dive into a bucket of chicken wings. This time around I am more focused on a smooth day, and fitting my meal replacements around my schedule, rather than planning my day around the meal replacements. While I believe that a well-planned schedule will help me with my food issues, I also have to break this notion that my life revolves around food. Leslie and I were speaking a few nights ago and she told me she forgot to eat dinner. I still have no understanding of how someone can forget to eat. I have made food such a huge priority for so many years, the notion is simply anathema to me. To wit: There was an evening this week when I was teaching, and following the late break we came back, and I realized within a few minutes that I had not eaten my meal replacement (that had been timed for that break). Feeling weak, I took another short break so that I could eat it. I look forward to the day when I can skip it… and laugh it off.

    I have now completed eight days of the diet, and I am feeling quite well. Aside from the fact that I have lost some weight, I am just generally feeling okay. That is important, because it means that my body has adjusted to the drastic change from over 4,000 calories per day, down to 800 calories per day. The human body has a remarkable ability to tell us what it wants and what it needs. People laugh at the strange cravings of pregnant women, when the cravings are their bodies (and their unborn child) telling them what nutrition they need. I do not claim to know why so many crave pickles and ice cream, but there is something there.

    I mention that because while my body did spend a few days lagging for lack of carbohydrates, once the ketosis set in (the process in which the body uses its own fat stores as an energy source, rather than food ingested) my body has not been screaming that it needs anything that it is not getting. I have not truly craved anything… although there have been some foods that I would have liked to have, I have not had this deep need for anything. If I had wanted to cave, there are several food stuffs in the house that would have been attacked. You see, while I surrendered most of my foods to a buddy, I still have a bag of almonds, a bag of white chocolate chips, a brick of aged cheddar cheese, and a chocolate bar in the kitchen. All of these should be gone… whether by giving them away, or by me giving in to temptation. The fact that I have not really been tempted by any of them is a good sign.

    I want to clarify the last bit. Yes, I would love to dive into that cheese, or any of the other goodies that I have on hand. I suspect that the main reason I have not is simple: right now, I want to not be fat anymore. I want that more than I want the cheese or the chocolate. I do not want to be the fat, disgusting guy who has his belly sticking out of his shirt. I want to be slim, if not thin. I want to be wearing the slimmer clothes that I have (which would still not mean I am slim, but slimmer) that look so much better than all of the fat clothes… no matter how much Leslie loves me and is attracted to me as I am. I love that she is attracted to me… but I want to find myself attractive too. I am well over 100lbs away from that being the reality.

    So yes, I want food… but right now I want to not be fat more than I want any food… no matter how delicious it might be.

    Going into the weekend, I will be making the drive to visit my godson and goddaughter tomorrow, which is a schlep… but they are worth it! Cam and Amanda are surprised that I won’t be eating (and knowing Amanda she is a bit disappointed to not be preparing a meal for such an appreciative guest), but I explained that I am on an extreme weight loss program. It is extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of my usual soups, I will bring a couple of protein bars; they are just more portable, and easier to eat in the car if that is how the timing works. In the past, when making long road trips, I have occasionally bought a beef jerky or similar snack when stuck, so if I do have a real need for extra protein (or if I end up staying later and am short of meal replacements) that would be an option. I hope it does not come to that, but if I need to…

    Time to hit the road… Have a great day!

  • Meal Replacements, and ‘The Program’

    I have gone out of my way to not name the program that I am following for several reasons. My blog and my journal are not meant to be an endorsement of one particular product; rather, they are intended to share with others who might be going through a similar experience, possibly on a different program, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Studies have shown that people going through a similar journey are likely to experience similar emotions and thoughts, and hopefully this journal might help someone.

    With that said, the program that I am on has two variations. In Canada, you are provided with four (4) meal replacement shakes per day. Each one is 225 calories and is meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs… and no more. Nine Hundred (900) Calories per day. In the United States, you are provided with five (5) meal replacements per day, which can be either shakes, soups, or protein bars. Each one is 160 calories and is also meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs, and no more. Eight Hundred (800) Calories per day.

    I have never been clear on why there is a difference, but I am sure it has to do with regulations at the FDA versus the Canadian version of the FDA. I have successfully done the program twice… once in Canada, and once in the USA. Yes, after the program was done, I fell off the wagon, but that’s not the point. Both programs can work.

    In 2017 as I started the program the first time, I was nervous that the shakes-only diet would be untenable. How wrong I was! It did not take long for me to become quite happy with them, to the point that at one point during the program I spent a week on an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, and I was not tempted to break my diet once.

    In 2019 as I embarked upon the program the second time, my doctor in California told me that the program had much better variety – not only were there strawberry shakes (in addition to the chocolate and vanilla that Canada had) – there were also three varieties of soups, and three variety of protein bars. I told him point-blank that I was not interested. I learned in the Army that the best way to ensure someone makes the right choice is to give him little or no choice. I had made it through twelve weeks of the program on only chocolate shakes once, and I was going to try to do the same again.

    It was only when the doctor’s office did not have any of the chocolate shakes in stock that I had to branch out and try the other products. I was glad that I did. It was easy to create a regimen where I had a shake for breakfast, a soup for lunch, a bar for the afternoon and evening snacks, and a soup for dinner. That routine worked very well for me.

    I stopped the program at a certain point, but I still had several cases of the meal replacements left. When I relocated back to Canada, they came with me. They sat on a shelf in the pantry for several months, but they were here. When I decided to start the program again (Thanks Julie!) I did not have to go looking for them, I knew exactly where they were. I had about a three-week supply… still on the American (800 calories) program. I have bars and soups… and yes, I have shakes too.

    In two weeks, I will be out of the American product, and I will be forced to resume using the Canadian product. I am not at all concerned with the jump from 800 to 900 calories. I suspect that it will be a very long time before my body stops losing weight consuming under 1500 calories per day… let alone 900. What concerns me is that I grew used to the variety of the meal replacements, knowing that if I was tempted by someone eating a chocolate bar that I too could grab a chocolate bar… even though it was not the same sugary snack as his, it was still good enough, within the confines of the program.

    It is funny that I am having the exact opposite fear now as I did in 2019. Back then, I was afraid that if I did not stick to the shakes, I would succumb to the temptation. Today I am afraid that if I am limited to only having the shakes, I might succumb to the temptation.

    How things change!

    This afternoon, Julie and I are meeting with a woman who purchased all of her shakes and then decided this program is not for her, and so she is selling them. We are buying for sure. I just wish she was selling the bars and even the soups as well. No such luck.

    I might end up ordering some of the bars from the USA. My girlfriend lives in Dallas, and she has offered to let me ship them to her, and then she can send them to me. I am seriously considering it. Maybe not the soups, maybe just a case of the protein bars. The size of the case of six boxes of the soups is much larger, heavier, and more expensive to ship than the bars. I don’t know… I’ll decide today.

    I might just give it a go, two weeks from now, without the bars or soups, and see how well I manage.

    I will say this… if I feel that I am going to falter, I am going to find a way to get those bars and/or those soups, despite the fact that the American prices seem to be much higher than the Canadian ones. I think my success on the program is worth the cost.

  • Day 8

    I made it through the first week. If I go with my instinct and use my guesstimate as my starting weight, then I am down nearly 15lbs. Not quite as much as the last time I did the program, but respectable, nonetheless. It has not been easy… but it has not been that difficult either.

    This will be my last mention of the guesstimated starting weight. Going forward, I am going to assume that it was right, and go from there.

    Today’s journal entry from the previous attempt discusses a number of themes, but the most important of them is my addiction to food. There, I said it.

    Hi. My name is Mitch, and I am an addict. It has been seven whole days since I last ate, and it has been difficult. There are temptations, but so far, I have been able to overcome them with willpower. I have to keep at it, fighting every day. I know it would be so easy to have an almond, or a handful of almonds. After all, even the doctors tell us that almonds are healthy. But what normal person wants just one almond… or even a handful? I have a bag of almonds in the house, and any healthy person would open the bag, and finish them. No, that is not what a healthy person would do. That is what an addict would do, and that is why I am leaving the bag of almonds high atop the shelf in the pantry.

    I discussed that I was a bit scatter-brained when I did the program. I do not know if that is the case now… I feel like I am mostly on the ball. With that said, yesterday I took a certification exam, and as I prepared my laptop in the ‘kitchen exam centre’ I forgot to bring the power adapter, and my computer died partway through the exam. I cannot understand how I forgot something so basic as a power adapter, especially knowing the age of my computer. If I am not quite scatter-brained, then maybe I am also not completely on the ball.

    I discussed the Jewish holidays, and how, at the time, I had forty days until the next one. I mentioned it because Jewish holidays often include a feast. The first time I went through the program, I started it eleven days before the Passover Seder, one of my favourite feasts. It was the only time in my life that I had to excuse myself from the meal, sequestering myself in a quiet room so as to not be tempted by… everything. Passover that year started on Day 11 of my diet, and I had not even come close to building up the resistance and strength that I needed to sit and watch everyone eat what I wanted so badly to eat, knowing that it was so simple to reach out and take a piece of this or that. This year, the first night of Passover is April 15, fully seventy-eight days from today (and Day 86 of my journey). If I am invited to a Passover Seder this year (and I am not entirely sure I will be), it will be easier to resist… or to temper my gluttonous urges.

    I discussed the temptations around me. I was working in an office with a number of vending machines, in addition to the food trucks that were constantly parked downstairs. I compare that to now, knowing that I do not go out of the house much, except to walk my dog. If that in normal times would sound like a hermit’s lifestyle, we are not living in normal times. It was two years ago yesterday that the first confirmed case of COVID-19 was discovered in Canada; unless you are reading this article twenty-five years in the future, you know that we have been in and out of lockdown and have been encouraged to practice social distancing. While I did not do a good job of it until now, I am doing it very well now. I am working from home (both during the day, and in the evenings), so aside from taking Princess Sophie out and the occasional errand, I am home most of the time.it is easier to avoid temptation that way for sure.

    Owing to other factors that distracted me, I neither tried on those pants yesterday, nor did I separate my clothes by size. I did put the pants on this morning though. They are a bit tight, but they fit, and I am wearing them comfortably. That tells me that I am making progress, and that I am at least back to the body size I was three months or so ago. I hope that I can keep going, and that in a month these pants will be too big to wear. Baby steps, right?