Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 25

    Yesterday was an emotionally difficult day. I came to a realization that was extremely difficult, and it is a wonder that I did not do worse on my diet than I did. I had always planned to have the rotisserie chicken for lunch (although I should have had a smaller portion); the salad that went with it was very tasty, but it had what I suspect was not a low-cal dressing. In the evening I got back to my friends’ house, and she made me have a bowl of chicken soup (with tomato? What heathen puts tomato into chicken soup?). All of this was in addition to three shakes, so it really wasn’t too bad… but I will try to do better today. I still believe that accountability is the key to my potential success, and so I am not going to blow smoke up my own ass and make excuses for myself. Yes, I had a crappy day. No, I should not have gone straight for the food.

    Wonder of wonders, I smoked a few cigars yesterday. It was not my entire day, but it was a portion of it. I started by visiting with my father’s widow… that’s where the emotionally draining revelations came to me. After that, I met with an old friend and her husband for a coffee. It is always good to see them. Once I was through there, I drove over to my buddy Stephane’s house, where we smoked cigars in the garage. He is an amazing woodworker, with a passion for ‘turning wood’. I never knew that was a thing until I involved myself with a broad community of cigar smokers. I now have several pens, ashtrays, and cigar stands that were made by him over the course of the last five years. During the course of the day, I bought a pen stand that he made, and he made me a pen. The pen that he made for me is gorgeous, but it is an everyday pen, as opposed to some of the other pens I have from him, one of which is a $200 work of art. So yes, the day was not cheap for me, but it was worth every penny.

    I came in from his place at about 9:00pm, and Rick and Isolina listened to my issues for a few minutes. She made me a bowl of soup (she was quite insistent about it, so I stopped arguing). We then watched the UFC fights, which I also rather enjoy. I lit a very good cigar (I know that she is not fond of my cigars, and I smoke cigars that I know she will enjoy more than the cheaper ones), and by the second fight I had forgotten most of my issues. Fortunately, I was able to remember most of them as I was trying to fall asleep later on.

    Today is a new day. I am going to visit my father’s grave, and then have a few other friends to visit with before I return to Stephane’s for another cigar. I’ll be back here in time to watch the Super Bowl with my friends, especially knowing that Stephane is not a sports lover. (He also does not have a television in the garage, which means that we wouldn’t be able to smoke cigars during the game anyways).

    It is bone-chillingly cold out today; yesterday morning when I left Rick’s place it was 5° Celsius outside. By the time I left Stephane’s it was -14°, and this morning the wind chill is reading -29°. In short, it will be a relatively brief visit with my father. Standing outside in an unsheltered field when it feels like nearly -30° is not my definition of fun… but I cannot think of an enjoyable reason to visit a cemetery, even in the nicest climes. I need to speak to my Dad about the realizations I came to yesterday… and even if I did not, it is a son’s duty to say a prayer at his father’s grave. (If anyone is wondering, I have not once visited my mother’s grave since the day of her funeral, and while I know the cemetery she is in, I would not easily be able to find her grave. She caused me more that enough pain and discomfort while she was alive; I will not suffer the cold for a minute to go looking for her now. Maybe in the summer I will find her grave and say a prayer over it.

    One thing that can be said for extremely cold days in Canada, they are usually sunny and clear. It will at least be a pretty day to be driving about. Wherever you are, enjoy it! I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 24 (Montreal)

    Success… mostly. Yesterday’s consumption consisted of four shakes… and one bag of almonds. As I had mentioned, I was driving to Montreal, and when I stopped for my first bio-break, I bought a small bag of almonds, with a marked value of 360 calories. I ate half of them between my first and second shakes, and the balance between my second and third shakes. I only had one shake on the road, and I pulled off into a Service Area to mix it up. I was a little nervous about that… When I was on the program five years ago, I mixed a shake on the same drive (from Burlington to Montreal) and discovered too late that the shaker-cup was not properly secured. I also discovered (shortly thereafter) that the shake material stains the leather (or whatever material the inside of my door was made of). I did not try to prepare the shake on the move, I took extra precautions to secure the bottle, and there were no accidents.

    On the same topic, that was the first time I had prepared the shake by hand since I don’t know when… I have a Ninja blender at home that does a much better job (it crushes an ice cube into the shake and gives it a creamier consistency, as well as keeping it cold), and when I was on the go (when I was previously on the program in the US) I simply took meal replacement bars with me. I am out of the bars and knowing that I will be away for three days, I simply took a box of fourteen shakes with me.

    I did not drink quite as much water as I usually do yesterday, owing to the fact that I did not want to have to stop along the road every 30 minutes. As it was, I made three stops, but one of them was also to gas up the car and to buy cigars (there is a good cigar shop on the Tyendinaga Reservation, in addition to much cheaper gasoline). Had I drank all the water I normally do, I suspect I would have arrived an hour later than I did.

    This afternoon, I will have lunch with my father’s widow, and we will share some rotisserie chicken. I suspect that will be the only food I eat this weekend, and it is not really a cheat… at least, it is not a cheat beyond the hybrid program I have been following. As such, I would love to step onto the bathroom scale Tuesday morning to discover that I have dropped a good amount of weight! There are no guarantees of course… but there is a simple equation: If I follow the program, if I consume only my meal replacements and healthy foods in moderation, then I will lose weight. It really is that simple. If my pre-diet intake was more than 3,000 calories per day (including a lot of carbohydrates and starches), then there is no way that I can consume less than 1,100 calories per day and not lose weight.

    I miss Princess Sophie. Last night was the first night since October 1st that she was not with me, and I worry about her… even though the woman who is taking care of her sent me a picture of her having a wonderful time. I still miss her and can hardly wait to see her again!

    When I arrived last night, my friends asked me to not smoke in the house anymore. For years I have been coming here and they always invited me to smoke, so this was a bit of a change. They are expecting their first grandchild soon, so I am not surprised. I gave them a little grief over it, but in truth it did not bother me. I will have plenty of opportunities to smoke cigars this weekend, and even if I would not, I would not really be put out. I still love them!

    I have spoken about my routine and being out of town it is necessarily disturbed. I had to remind myself after I finished my shake to pull my computer out to write. I did not take Princess Sophie for a walk, I did not make sure my dishes were clean, and I did not have to feed a puppy. Fortunately, I remembered to at least spend a few minutes writing. I suppose it is easier to want to sit down to write coming off a successful day, rather than one when I would be beating myself up.

    I have been watching the craziest period of ice hockey I have seen in years. In the last seven minutes the score has gone from 3-2 for Czech Republic to tied at 4, to ROC (Russia) up 5-4, and now it is tied. There is a reason that watching hockey is so much more interesting than just reading the scores! I do not watch often – I don’t even have a cable subscription at home – but I enjoy it when I do. After the game I am going to hit the road and pick up a chicken to take to Esti’s.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 23

    Yesterday would have been a good day… had I not had pumpkin seeds to put on my salad. I do not think the seeds on the salad were the problem, but the fact that I devoured the rest during my evening break was. I must have added 300 calories to my daily total… not to mention that I had two pieces of chicken rather than one. While I still don’t trust the scale, it was up 1.6 lbs from yesterday morning. That is not good.

    This morning, after her daily walk, I drove Princess Sophie to Nathalie’s house. Nathalie answered my ad when I was looking for a dog walker (after I broke my ankle), and my little girl likes her. I am off to Montreal for the weekend, and it seems that she intimidated Isolina’s cat on our last visit, and thus is not welcome there. The thought of Princess Sophie intimidating anyone is pure comedy, but my choices were either to bring her to Montreal and stay somewhere else (I could not easily find anyone willing this close to the weekend), not go to Montreal, or put her up with Nathalie. Tonight will be the first night since we were reunited that she is not sleeping in my bed… at least for a few minutes. I’m not going to lie; I am a bit emotional having left her. It will only be for a few days though, and we will be back together Monday.

    Speaking of Montreal, this will be a challenging weekend for the weight loss program. I will take my shakes with me, and I will do my best to not veer from the program. It is easier to maintain a hybrid program when I am home alone; staying with friends (and visiting with others) I would be relying on their cooperation with the dietary needs, and I am not going to put anyone through that. Rather than trying to explain to them what I need, I will simply stick to the meal replacements. Esti (my father’s widow) and I might order chicken for lunch, but I will have the rotisserie chicken only – no side dishes.

    Last night I was speaking with my diet buddy, and I told her I was going to Montreal, and she started to talk very fondly about some of the foods that city has to offer. If you were unaware, it is a truly culinary gem, with some of the best restaurants in North America (including the midrange ones). The deli, the bagels… I shut her down and asked her to not remind me. I told her that upon my return, we can discuss them… before the trip it was a bad idea. I did not want to be reminded ahead of time of all the easily accessed foods that I could cheat with. It will be hard enough to stay on track as it is.

    My goal for the weekend: Stay the course. Don’t eat anything that is not planned; stick to my shakes when possible and drink a lot of water. I will also be smoking a few cigars with my friends, which will be a nice distraction. I also plan to visit my father’s gravesite. That is always an emotional time for me, but it is also a son’s obligation. It has been nearly ten months since I got that terrible phone call, and I still miss him terribly.

    Okay… time to pack up (computer, clothes, and cigars) and hit the road. Had I been better organized, I would have been ready to hit the road as soon as I dropped Princess Sophie off, but I had a choice… I decided to relax and not stress, and not delay her morning ritual of going out as soon as I’m dressed. My morning ritual has evolved into coming home from her walk, making my coffee and my shake, and writing in my journal. If accountability is going to be such a large part of my success, then I wanted to write about yesterday’s failures… before I hit the road.

    See you tomorrow!

  • Day 22

    I did not think to take my measurements this morning. I don’t think that has to be a weekly occurrence, but I will do it from time to time.

    Yesterday was a gluttonous day, mostly within the parameters of my hybrid program. For my lunch I had a bowl of soup and a salad. With my dinner I had two bowls of salad instead of one… and because I had run out of many of my vegetables, I decided to put a little bit of cheese onto it… and then I had another piece of cheese. It is amazing to think that I am kicking myself over a 1300 calorie day where no starch or excessive carbs were consumed.

    Still and all, I did not gain weight from yesterday to today, I just did not lose any either. I suppose my hybrid approach is what slowed my weight loss (as compared to my previous attempts at the program, where I was over 30 lbs down each time by now). I am going to stay the course though. I believe that this hybrid approach is the healthier way to increase my chances of long-term success.

    I decided as I got dressed this morning to don the button-down shirt that I bought to wear to the service for my father. As I expected, it fits fine (and might even be a little loose, which is likely how I bought it). I also decided to wear a tie with it, for two reasons. Firstly, I always feel a little better when I am dressed nicely. For the last few months, I have only been able to wear pull-over shirts, and even the one button-down shirt that almost fit was not the sort to wear a tie with. The second reason is that I know how much Leslie enjoys when I dress up. She has a thing for me in a tie, and I like making her happy… even though we have about 1,400 miles between us.

    The weather today is not too bad… a little windy, but I think I can take it I’ll have a cigar on the balcony after my lunch, and I will relax before I have to teach this evening. I also have to make a quick trip to the supermarket; I am not only low on chicken, but I am also completely out of vegetables for my salad. I also have a box to ship to Leslie, which I have been delinquent in taking care of.

    Have a great day folks!

  • STOP DOING THAT!

    I fell off the diet wagon today, and I am ashamed of myself. The only good news of it is that most of what I fell off with was not too bad, and all stuff I have in the house – which means that I did not get a bag of chips or candy or fast food. The biggest guilt of it was cheese, but I also had a couple more salads throughout the day than I usually should.

    I think the reason I fell was that I did not drink water today. I had a small bottle this morning, and that was it. I am downing the water now, and I will make a point of reminding myself in the morning how important it it.

    Fall down seven times… get back up eight. Tomorrow is another day.

  • Fast Food: A Treat, Not a Lifestyle.

    For all of the blame I put on my parents for the psychological damage that led to my obesity, there were some things that they did right. Fast food (whether it was McDonalds or Wendy’s or Harvey’s) was always a rare treat, not a regular occurrence. I have fond memories of my father taking us to Harvey’s for a hamburger and French fries and a Coke. He enjoyed it as much as we did, but it was an occasional weekend treat. Even when we were on vacation, we would eat at (slightly) healthier restaurants.

    Paper routes aside, my first job was working at a computer store called Montreal Data Products, on Mackay Street above St. Catherine Street. It was during that era that I started to go to McDonalds on my own, with my own money. I went a lot. I guess it was when I had my own disposable income (and not just my allowance) that I was able to do so, giving little heed to whether or not it was a good idea.

    I do not remember if I ever told my parents that I was doing this, but I do know that had they told me it was a bad idea it would have encouraged me to go more. Remember the psychological trauma I experienced at the hands (both figurative and literal) of my mother? By the time I was fourteen (which is when I started working) I was rebelling. I remember the last time my mother raised a hand to me, I raised mine back at her. I was done doing as I was told for fear of being hit. Unfortunately, there are no good lessons to tell a fourteen-year-old boy making that transition how to differentiate between what is good for you and what is not.

    When I was living in Tel Aviv, I worked at a t-shirt and army supply store in Tel Aviv that catered to tourists, and right downstairs from our store (in Dizengoff Centre) was a McDonalds, and I ate there more than occasionally, switching it out for a few other fast-food restaurants in the area. Eventually, a Thai sandwich shop opened down the block, and they made a spectacular chicken sandwich which may not have been truly healthy but was certainly much more so than. McDonalds.

    I spent a couple of years eating kosher, so most fast-food restaurants were off limits. Toward the end of my military service, probably the last two or three months, I started to hitch a ride down from my post in the Golan Heights to a bus station which had a McDonalds in it, and I probably did this 2-3 nights per week. By this time, I had grown to hate Army food, and while there were other options, not many of them were as convenient. There was also a girl I was flirting with who worked at the army supplies store next door, so that probably played a part to my frequency there.

    My return to civilian life and Canada made much more and much more unhealthy fast foods so readily available. I always preferred either a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with French fries or a large plate of Buffalo wings over a burger… not to mention that the pizza in Montreal is absolutely incredible.

    If you want to know how I came to be disgustingly fat, here is your answer. I love a good steak, and I do not need or want any sauce on it, which means it is healthy. I don’t need a giant baked potato next to it. All of this to say that a good steak dinner is not entirely fattening… assuming that whatever negative health effects that may bring on, it is still healthier than any of the fast foods that I mentioned. I became fat off of fast food and an overabundance of junk food snacks, ranging from chips to chocolates to gummies and G-d knows what else.

    Is fast food evil? Of course not. Should it be part of your healthy diet? No. As with everything else in life, it is fine… in moderation. If someone makes fast food (all of them are terribly unhealthy, but some are worse than others) an occasional treat with an otherwise healthy diet, they will not balloon up to 300+ pounds. If, on the other hand, the fast food becomes your daily routine, then you are going to pay for it in the end. Weight gain is not the only ill-effect either. Expect to see your cholesterol raised and your blood pressure and all manner of other body measurements that your doctor tracks.

    One of the problems with fast foods is that not only are they tasty, but they can also be addictive. Aside from the salt (which is certainly a substance that our body craves), most fast foods contain myriad other chemicals, and once we are used to them, our body craves them. Additionally, the large chains spend billions of dollars on feeding those cravings. McDonalds’ colour scheme is not what it is because Ray Kroc loved orange and yellow and red; they have scientific findings that prove that these colours make you hungry and lower your inhibitions which might allow you to order the extra-large fries or the ten-piece nuggets instead of the six-piece nuggets.

    The fast food industry chains (not only McDonalds… all of the chains) have marketing budgets that could cure hunger in the third world, and they spend that money every year reminding you that you deserve a break today, or you can have it your way, or they will deliver in 30-minutes or it’s free, or they have the meats, or whatever the ad campaign might be to get you through their doors, or dialing their numbers. Of course, if you deserved a break yesterday, don’t you deserve one today too?

    If you find yourself eating more fast food than you did when you were younger, these are just some of the reasons.

    The goal of my weight loss routine is not only to lose the weight, but also to get healthier, and to change my eating habits. I know that I need to change my unhealthy relationship with food. This is going to mean, when I am off the extreme program, that I will be cooking for myself most days, with the occasional restaurant indulgence. More often than not, that restaurant indulgence should still be something healthier. You can eat healthy at a Chinese restaurant, but most of the foods that I like there are wok fried and battered in sauce, which means they are poor choices. Sushi, on the other hand, is a much healthier choice. I believe that when you look at a piece of food and you can easily identify all of the individual ingredients by sight then you are likely eating something healthier than something that is unrecognizable.

    Does this mean that I will never eat fast food again? Probably not. I am sure that there will be times when I am on the road, when I know that I have been eating well and exercising and staying in shape when I might allow myself to indulge. With that said, it has to be a treat, and never a lifestyle.

    I confess I have never watched that movie about the guy who only ate McDonalds for a year. I do not know what the outcome was, and I do not particularly care. All of our bodies are different, and I know that eating fast foods (what my grandfather would have referred to as dreck) is bad for me and will cause me to return to my previous (current, but hopefully soon it will be previous!) morbidly obese size. I do not want that. I also do not want my doctor to ever have to tell me ‘Okay, now that you have had a heart attack, this is how you have to start eating.’

    Conclusion

    The occasional hamburger and fries will not cause morbid obesity. In fact, it is relatively simple to make a hamburger and French fries healthy, or at least less fattening. The burger and fries that I would make at home would almost certainly be tastier and would most certainly be healthier than anything I get from a fast-food burger joint. However, it is not only the food that is addictive, but also the convenience that draws us. We live in a hustle and bustle world of in which two-parent families have two parents in the workforce, and so many single parents have to struggle to fit everything into the day, and the time spent shopping, preparing, cooking, and then cleaning for and after a meal can be cut into a fraction by ordering in or taking out. Single people know that it is no fun preparing food for one, and the convenience of take-out is a draw… especially when you do not even have to get out of your car to grab dinner on the way home.

    While the convenience is a draw, we have to consider the negative health effects (both short term and long term) of these unhealthy food choices. When we do, hopefully we will make them far less frequently than we do today… and just maybe the chains who spend billions to lure you in through their doors will have less money to spend on marketing.

  • Day 21

    Today is the last day of Week 3. How amazing is it that I have gotten here? I have so much farther to go… but I am nearly thirty pounds lighter today than I was the morning of Day 1. The is two Princess Sophies!

    As I was chatting with Leslie last night, I decided that the button-down shirt that I was so happy to wear would go into a pile for charity. The colours were a bit faded, the buttonholes were a bit stretched (a sure sign that someone who it borderline fits has been wearing it around a very large stomach), and it could go to someone who will need it more than I need it.

    The problem is that when I went into my closet this morning to find another button-down shirt, I did not find another that fits. In a few weeks, maybe, but not now. I do suspect that the one shirt that I bought since I am in Canada – the shirt that I bought to wear to my father’s unveiling – will fit, but that is folded, and for whatever reason, I did not wear it today.

    Leslie also pointed out last night that some of my writing – specifically, the one I wrote yesterday about junk food – has a negative tone to it, and she asked me if I did it intentionally. I do not know that I do, but I am certainly not the type to pussy-foot around a subject. When I am doing something wrong, I do not want someone to take five minutes laying several layers of feathers and pillows down before they tell me what is wrong – tell me, and I’ll get over it. It is the sentiment that matters to me, and the don’t-want-to-hurt-your-feelings padding is, for me, both extraneous and condescending. If I am fat then I am fat, don’t call me Rubenesque; if I pigged out on junk food do not tell me that I was making up for whatever, just say that I pigged out. I understand that in this day and age, where feelings matter and everyone is going to be offended by something, you have to sugar-coat anything that might be negative… well not for me. That’s why I write in the tone that I do, especially when the person whose transgressions I am calling out are mine. That is one of the ways that I will remember to not do it again.

    Last night’s evening snack was the last of the American shakes, and so for this morning’s breakfast I am drinking the first Canadian shake I have had in over three years. I am shocked by the difference. I had once lived off the Canadian shakes for twelve weeks, and I have had many of the American shakes… I had just never had two (essentially) one after the other. The Canadian shake is much richer and creamier than the American counterpart. While it was a surprise and something to get used to, it is not at all unpleasant. I will make a point to add more water to the mix going forward… the more of it that I drink, the more I feel I have consumed… even when the calories are the same.

    Either my progress is too slow, or I am too impatient. I knew yesterday that when the numbers on the scale had not moved below those of the previous day that today’s measurements would be much better. They were… but I was hoping for more. This early in the program it should not be unreasonable to still enjoy a one-pound-per-day loss, as I did in my previous two attempts. Looking at my previous journal, on Day 22 I was down 34 lbs, and I am nowhere near that. Of course, I was sticking to the program religiously last time, rather than the hybrid program I am enjoying this go around. Which is better? I suspect the way I am doing it now is likely more conducive to long-term sustainability. We will see. As I wrote a few days ago, a huge key to that long-term success is going to be psychological and keeping my mind healthy. Anima sana in corpore sano.

    Lyle and Cam came over for cigars yesterday. I am always happy to have friends over. Lyle knows about my weight loss program, but Cam does not. On their way here they stopped at a fast-food restaurant, and Cam brought his hamburger to eat here. I got him settled on the balcony where he started to eat, and I busied myself around the house, making the excuse that I was taking time to select the exact right cigar (I had made that determination hours earlier) before finally going outside. He had a couple of bites left, most of which he shared with Princess Sophie. I know that it is not his job to police or even to be mindful of my diet, and I do not think he did anything wrong. I just do not want to be exposed to the temptations.

    This afternoon, Eduardo is coming for a cigar, and the weather is shaping up to be the nicest day of the week. He is coming around 2:00pm, but I am almost certainly going to get a head start on him!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Addictions and Gluttony

    This comic was delivered to my inbox this morning.

    Candy Polyamory – The Oatmeal

    How many times have I felt this? How often have I bought a large bag of chips or chocolates (by coincidence, I would usually go for the Peanut M&Ms that are depicted in the comic) and enjoy them… alone. I would go through an entire bag of them without batting an eyelash. I am trying to think if I had any shame about it. The truth is, if I bought the bag to take home, I would eat them alone.  If I bought them for the car, then I was usually alone in the car.

    One of the main characters in one of the greatest TV shows of all time, The West Wing, was Leo McGarry, the White House Chief of Staff, is a recovering alcoholic. He often makes mention that he doesn’t want one drink, he wants ten… and in one of the flashback scenes in which he fell off the wagon, you see him drinking alone, having emptied the minibar of all of the booze in his hotel room.

    I am not that bad, that I would eat every candy… but I do not have to think that far back when I last drove (alone) from my home in Burlington, Ontario to visit friends in Montreal (about a six hour drive). Knowing that chips and candies were cheaper at the supermarket than they were at gas stations and other stops along the way, I bought two large bags of chips, and another large bag of Peanut M&Ms. Having an open bag of chips on the passenger seat was easy, as long as I made sure to pay Princess Sophie her Snacks-Tax. I cannot say for sure that the first bag of chips was finished by the time I crossed the Greater Toronto Area (maybe a 90 minute drive), but I do know that more than one full bag of chips and the entire bag of chocolates were gone by the time I got to Montreal. I made sure to hide the evidence – the discarded wrappers would be in the garbage bag, that was then disposed of at my earliest opportunity. If someone did get into the car (or just stuck their head in for whatever reason) I did not want them seeing that I polished off however much I had eaten.

    I have to constantly remind myself that food is an addiction. The problem is that it is also a necessity of life. You cannot live without eating, but eating too much can eventually kill you. What a quandary. Making the right choices for the rest of my life will have to be an absolute constant. Does that mean I won’t be able to have a bag of chips? No… but knowing my addiction and predilection for gluttony, I will buy the SMALL bag of chips, not the large one. I will buy the SMALL portion of chocolate, not the bag labeled ‘Family Size’ or ‘Sharing Pack’. I will buy the single bag.

    I have often found myself in the chips aisle thinking to myself: “I cannot decide if I would rather the Regular Ruffles, or the Miss Vickie Salt & Vinegar… I guess I’ll just buy both.” I cannot do that! I have to pick one… and while it is always going to be much more costly, I will buy those smaller portions at retailers where they have the smaller size, rather than buying from the supermarket, where the larger sizes are encouraged (and the individual sizes are nowhere to be found).

    Family Size, Party Size, Sharing Size… all crap. These are euphemisms for Gluttony Size, and I’m not having it… anymore.

  • Day 20

    My cheats yesterday included the last of the almonds, and a bit of cheese. I had two bits of cheese in the fridge when the diet started, and I realized that while one of them was sealed and new, the other was not sealed at all, and had grown moldy. I decided to cut away the mold and what was left was about an ounce of aged sharp cheddar. I enjoyed it, after paying the Cheese Tax to Princess Sophie.

    Speaking with Leslie last night, I decided that this morning I would go into my closet and try to find a button-down shirt that might fit. I have several that were candidates, but different companies cut their 3XL shirts differently. The first, a branded Microsoft Server shirt, did not fit. I decided on a shirt that has a cute pattern but does not have the vibrant colours that it did when it was new. I am expert at many things, but laundry is not one of them.

    Today is my appointment with my family doctor, and I plan to discuss my weight loss program and progress with him. In two or three weeks I will be able to get onto his scale to get an accurate reading, but I am reasonably sure that today I still weigh more than the maximum capacity. I am embarrassed by that, but optimistic for the day when that will no longer be true. I know that day is not far off. I plan to ask him to see me every few weeks to check in. While he is not a bariatric or weight-management doctor, he is willing to see me in person, and he has known me personally for many years. I am going to try for a semi-weekly cadence… for my American readers, no there will be absolutely no cost to me for these visits. (For my Canadian readers, who as fellow taxpayers are subsidizing these visits, remember that these visits are an investment in my weight loss, and it is in the service of not needing much more expensive treatment at a later date.)

    I was speaking with my friend/cleaning lady yesterday. She has also had weight struggles for much of her life, and she was telling me about a class she had taken – really weight management support groups – in which she was the only one who was there to get help losing weight. Most of the people there were either anorexic or bulimic or whatever and were trying to learn to eat properly to gain weight. This is not a problem that I have ever had to contend with, but it is important to remember that if there are extremes on one side then there are extremes on the other.

    (I should mention that if ever I thought that I was in the extreme overweight category then a simple trip to most any WalMart store in the US will remind me how wrong I am… but that does not mean that I should not work my tail off to lose the weight.)

    —

    I am back from speaking with my doctor, and we have come up with a visit schedule. I will go every two weeks, alternating between just seeing the nurse to get weighed, and actually seeing him. He knows that accountability is a huge help for my weight-loss and is going to support me completely. We broached the subject of a weight management clinic that I used to be a patient at. While they were good at what they did (education and accountability), they are currently not doing in-person visits, only telemedicine. Add to that the fact that unlike my family physician, you seldom saw the same doctor at that clinic, and I do not feel that marking numbers on a chart makes me accountable. He (my doctor) has been my doctor for fifteen years, and there is a personal connection which helps; I cannot pull the wool over his eyes, and he cares about me as a person, rather than as a generic patient file.

    A buddy is coming for a cigar this afternoon, and I look forward to shooting the breeze with him. He is one of my closer friends and sitting on the patio with him is always enjoyable. He has some errands to run first, so I will likely get a head start after my 1:30pm bowl of soup.

    Have a great day!

  • Psychology, and taking responsibility for one’s own life

    There is a quote from The West Wing that “…Presidential elections are won and lost on one square foot of real estate.” (Meaning in one’s head). It occurred to me this morning that weight loss succeeds or fails in one’s head.

    Outside of the Army and my mother’s house (which was stricter and louder), nobody has ever held a gun to my head and forced me to eat. All of my food choices have been mine, and they were just that: choices. How many times could I have made a healthier choice instead of an unhealthy one? Could I have decided to not go for that second (or third) serving at the all-you-can-eat buffet? How many times should I have opted for the salad instead of the French fries, or ten wings instead of twenty (or thirty)? How many bags of chips should I have poured one small portion from and then sealed, rather than eating out of (and finishing) the bag… or should have not bought in the first place?

    Some of these choices were made out of ignorance. More were made because psychologically I was not strong enough to make smarter, healthier, better choices. Yes, I probably rebelled against the Army’s discipline when I was discharged, and I went on an uncontrolled eating frenzy. That frenzy lasted what – seven years before I first tried to do something about it? Something like that. For one who is (in so many respects) so strong, it is a disaster that I could not have picked myself up by the bootstraps and stopped the unrestrained gluttony sooner. Let’s review:

    When I was engaged to my first wife, I started on Weight Watchers. By the time she left me I had lost nearly forty pounds. The first meeting after she left, I walked out in disgust after my weigh-in and never went back. It was not until years later that I found out that the facilitators really dropped the ball and were supposed to call me to after I missed one or two meetings. I will not blame them… but maybe two weeks after my separation I might have been in a better state of mind to get back onto the program.

    I do not think that I had a slip after my separation from my second wife, mostly because I was very active in Taekwondo. I was teaching several nights per week, which kept me in pretty good shape. About a year later, I had my final showdown with my mother, which prompted me to reevaluate many aspects of my life. I will not spend any time on the long-term emotional trauma inflicted upon me by my abusive mother; suffice it to say that I had an epiphany, realizing that if I was ever going to be a good person, I had to unlearn a lot of the behaviours and attitudes that she had taught me were normal. A few days later, on a day when I was particularly vulnerable because of the sheer immensity of the changes that I would have to make, my GrandMaster (who I suspect was also having a particularly bad day) yelled at me inappropriately, causing me to walk out… and I have not returned to that club since. Owing to the sudden lack of exercise, I started to gain weight again.

    In 2017 I started the program for the first time, with a medical (non-surgical) bariatric program. I lost a tremendous amount of weight. While I slipped back a little from October through January, I was back on track, losing weight at a respectable pace. I am not sure how much of that slipping was due to my mother’s diagnosis with brain cancer. Around the time I started regaining the weight, friends convinced me (against my will and better judgment) to visit her in the hospital. I went the day that she went in (for the last time) and stood there making small talk. She was a grandmaster in the art of the backhanded compliment, and even as she lay there on what was probably her deathbed, she complimented my sweater… and told me how lovely it would look if I just lost some weight. I was sixty pounds lighter than the last time she had seen me, and I had just lost a hundred pounds. Grandmaster indeed.

    Over the course of the next few months, I drove to Montreal almost every weekend to see her. I watched this once powerful and mighty force degenerate before my eyes. I told her one day that I forgave her. I said it to put her mind at ease. I was lying. I did not forgive her what she had done to me, and despite years of therapy, I do not know if I ever will. My weight crept up throughout that time, despite a couple of efforts to control it.

    And then she died.

    I always had an extremely complicated relationship with my mother, but her death essentially put an end to her and I ever being able to resolve things. I suppose it would have been nice had she, even lying on her deathbed, apologized, or taken responsibility. Now that would never happen… could never happen. Over the course of the next year and a half, my weight was back up to where I had started.

    I tried again… and while there were bumps along the road, I got back onto the program in July 2019. By October 2020 I was the lowest weight I had been in nearly two decades. My weight valleyed below what it had been when my first wife left me. And then it started creeping back up. It took time to get to bad, but from bad to worse was again due to psychological and emotional losses and traumas. My father died, and I shot up another forty pounds. My sudden and unexpected return to Canada, and I shot up another forty pounds. Relationship trauma, another twenty pounds… and I realized I was at my heaviest weight ever, and nearly 130 lbs up from my best. Not all because of psychological trauma and issues… but a lot of.

    It would be easy to blame my mother, my ex-wife, my Army trauma, and so many others for my weight gain. Everyone suffers psychological trauma, and it is how they deal with it that matters. I dealt with my trauma poorly. I am not going to say that there were no worse ways for me to deal, but the long-term effects on my weight and health are obvious. I can blame others, but the buck stops here. The responsibility lies with me, and nobody else.

    Owning one’s own shortcomings is never easy. It is so much easier to lay the blame on others. How could that possibly help me to lose the weight and to keep it off? If I blame anyone or everyone else, then the next time I am slim and suffer a trauma I will have the easy out… I can eat to my heart’s content, gain as much weight as I do, and it will be someone else’s fault… but the consequences are mind and mine alone, so in the end, that is not a healthy way to deal with it. Taking responsibility for one’s own actions and state and course means that there is nobody to blame for where I am going; I am at the helm of my own future, and no matter what external voices may tell me, I can lose the weight and keep it off because turning to food and especially to unhealthy foods is an obstacle to avoid, but when I am at the wheel then I can do it without listening to the voices telling me to eat.

    I am not writing any mantras to recite, I just have to remember every day to do as well as I can… and that slipping one day does not mean I have to go down the slope, it only means that I have to redouble my efforts to stop my fall, and to get back up again.