Losing a part of me

Category: Attitude

  • Day 803

    I got back to my apartment at 2:00am and decided it was better to start packing before I went to sleep, rather than rushing it and trying to do everything in the morning. It was not at all surprising that although I came down with two suitcases that weighed 60 lbs. each and two carry-ons that weighed 25 lbs. each my two suitcases (which included my larger and heavier carry-on) weighed less than 60 lbs. combined, and my knapsack that I am carrying on weighs probably 20 lbs. From the beginning it was my intention to leave a ton of stuff (much of which I collected from my generous friends in Canada) with my buddy in Havana who is a Mason; some of it was for him and his family, most of it will be distributed by his lodge. It feels incredible to be able to help the poor Cuban people who need it; it feels wonderful to be traveling home with a much lighter load than I came with.

    Yesterday was another good day, both with regards to walking and with food intake. Late in the evening I was hungry and thought about enjoying a protein bar, but instead I opted to go to sleep with a slightly empty stomach. According to my phone (which I know is not as accurate at my fitness watch) I walked nearly 18,000 steps and climbed sixteen flights. There is nothing wrong with that!

    As I write this journal entry I am sitting in the airport in Havana. After passing through all of the checkpoints I purchased a bottle of booze at Duty Free, as well as some crackers and wafers. I gave my buddy the last of my US Dollars this morning, after putting aside enough to get to the airport and $5 extra for a cheese sandwich (which I am slowly savouring as I write). I was hoping that my Canadian credit card would work at Duty Free, but it did not, and I was relieved to have Canadian Dollars. The exchange rate is lousy, but the bottle that I purchased is not available in Canada, and as long as the US does not confiscate it from me, I should not have a problem. I have an hour and a bit before my flight boards, and while I will not be connecting to the Internet (which means it will not publish until I land in Houston), I am happy to have a relaxing time to sit and put down some thoughts.

    I love helping the Cuban people, and am happy to have the ability to do so. What sometimes jades me is how blatantly the people in the street size you up and try to separate tourists from their money. Last night as I was walking home a lady (in the loosest sense of the word) accosted me in a vain attempt to get me into bed (and for her to get into my wallet). This was not the first time that has happened to me, and I was not in the mood to even stop walking. As I kept telling her no, she asked why. I eventually told her that she was not my type. She asked what was my type, because she has a friend. I told her that I only like boys. This shocked and offended her… but after a snide comment it also got her to leave me alone. (For those who are wondering, it was as blatant a lie as I have ever told, as I clearly am quite straight!)

    This morning a guy saw me walking with a couple of bags that I was taking for my buddy. He said ‘Is that for me?’ I told him that it was not. He then started playing upset that I help others and not him, and that he says hello to me every time I pass by ‘his corner.’ I looked at him straight and told him that am happy to say hello to everyone, but with 400 people saying hello to me in Old Havana every day, I do not have the wherewithal nor the desire to help every single one. I say hello because it is the nice thing to do, but if he is doing it solely to get something from me then he should not say hello to me anymore. He got pissed off… but he pissed off.

    I may be exaggerating with the number 400, but not by much. There seems to be an entire brigade of people trying to get you a taxi, sell you cigars, give you a tour in a classic car (or walking), or sex with their sister mother daughter aunt or grandmother. Every single person wants to change your dollars, or wants you to help the me to buy medicines or bread for their children or grandmother. Everyone has a sob story, and every one of them is well trained in sizing up tourists and figuring out an angle. While I joke about it from time to time, it really does get boring in a hurry. When I give something to someone in the street I do not know where it will end up. When I give it to the Freemasons I know that it will be distributed to people who really need it, and not to people whose job it is to con tourists.

    That is not to say that I do not give money to some people in the street. Sunday evening I was sitting at a café when a man walked by wearing a kippa and wearing a Star of David. I stopped him and spoke with him, and gave him some money. Saturday evening I was waiting for a friend outside a restaurant when a man approached me on crutches; he had one leg, and his one foot was obviously in trouble. I gave him some money (and spent time talking with him), but what he wanted I could not give him. He wanted hard currency… dollars and Euros. He said he needs it to buy his medicine. Whether or not that is true, I did not have sufficient money in my pocket… and when he told me I should go back to my apartment to get it for him, I told him that I could not. I feel terrible for him and for all of the Cuban people, but there is only so much I can do. If I gave every person in the streets that needed money for (fill in the blank) only one dollar, I would not have money to eat… let alone take care of my friends who also have their sad stories.

    I feel terrible that I get jaded, but the incessant onslaught of people obviously trying to scam me gets old fast. I feel terrible that I cannot help everyone… but I do not have that kind of money. I try to find a balance between not making eye contact with all of them and not letting my heart harden to their plight. I am reminded of my visit to Mumbai, how sad it was seeing the dichotomy between the opulence of the palatial hotel I would spend my evenings in and the modern and secure office complex in which I spent my days, and the throngs of people living in lean-to hovels along the road who had nothing. It was hard to see that. It’s hard to see the plight of the Cuban people as well… but while none of them live well, I know that none of them are going to starve to death, and they all have somewhere to live. Knowing that the tourist areas are well-manned by these hawkers and such, I have to decide each time I come whether my love for the city is enough to keep me renting the cheap apartment off the beaten path, or if I am better off at a hotel. So far the apartment and the real Havana keeps winning out.

    My plane leaves in an hour, and I am going to make my way upstairs to my gate. I was disappointed to learn that I will need to collect my luggage in Houston, but that’s life in the fast lane. I only wish I did not have the overnight layover. I miss my dog and I miss my bed. The hotel bed tonight will be much more luxuriant than the one I have been sleeping in this trip, but Princess Sophie will not be in it. I look forward to seeing her tomorrow afternoon when I finally do get home.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 797

    What a shock… the Internet is not working today. Why not? Cuba. I am only very slight pit off by the inconvenience, and will not lose one minute’s enjoyment for that. I will have e to try to tether at some point to speak to someone, but other than that I have no real need to be connected while I’m here.

    Yesterday was a typical day for me insofar as a lot of things did not happen as planned, and I had a lovely day nonetheless. The only issue that I had was the disrespect shown to me by two groups of people… sometimes it happens from Cubans, but tourists seem to take the concept of Cuban Standard Time a little too quickly. A couple that I met on the airplane were supposed to meet me in the morning but they did not show up. I was not bothered one bit by that because the plans were very fluid… I knew when we discussed it that either we would connect or we would not. They reached me by phone at 2:30pm and asked to meet for lunch – they would meet me in 30 minutes. They showed up 75 minutes later, which only slightly irked me in that I was not hungry, but I did not want to eat lunch at 4:30pm knowing that I had dinner plans (which fell through because of someone else disrespecting my time).

    I want to be clear that the couple did not intentionally disrespect me. They were in Cuba for their first visit, and thinking that their credit cards would work, they brought almost no cash. This was a huge and disastrous mistake for an American tourist to make when coming to Cuba. Fortunately I was able to bail them out before they went hungry – they transferred money to my US account and I got Cuban cash here. Again, I am only happy to help. What inconvenienced me was that they told me we were probably going to have dinner (my other plans fell through). At 9:15 they promised they would confirm or cancel within 15 minutes. They decided to eat in their hotel which was not a problem for me; the problem was that they did not call to tell me, so I waited over an hour before cutting bait and going to eat. I do not ever like to eat at 11:00pm.

    With the exception of the times I ate reasonably yesterday. I hate that I ate late at night, but other than that I did fine. I also walked a lot – I believe I did over 15,000 steps before midnight, and I know I walked 5,000 steps before calling it a night. I am not worried about my weight but I know I am not gaining this week (so far).

    I could write more but I’m just trying to enjoy my day. It is sunny and hot and I am loving it.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 764

    I am still sick today, and I am going to take it easy. Princess Sophie and I stayed in bed until after 9:15am (which for me is nearly unheard of), and then after my morning ritual, we went for our walk.

    I have been asked to define what I mean by ‘sick.’ I have a head cold and have been sneezing and my nose has been running unabated since Wednesday. Owing to that, my nostrils are chapped and a bit painful, but I bought a ChapStick (not the brand, but similar) to ease that. I have also had… soft stool (a very polite way to say it) these last couple of days. For me to sit down in the airplane washroom on a three-hour flight is unheard of unless I am having issues. I do not think that these issues are related to anything that I ate or drank (although I suppose that is possible) but because of a bug of some sort. I will live. As I said, I will take it easy today and tomorrow, and I’ll be fine for my class next week.

    I was on the fence a couple of times during the trip, especially when I was eating a lot of pasta and on the days when I was drinking somewhat heavily (there were two such days). I also know that my 36-hour travel ordeal was not going to help. With that said, I was quite pleased to discover this morning that I weigh five pounds less today than I did the morning I flew out. I guess all of that walking really paid off!

    I ate a very late breakfast today, so I do not intend to eat my next meal until 3:00pm or so, as such, I likely will not be having dinner, although I might pick up challah rolls to ring in the Sabbath. We’ll see.

    You may have noticed these last few days that I am back to signing off with ‘Have a great day!’ which I had dropped since the problems began in early November. I am not going to discuss them in any detail, but one of the reasons for my trip to Cuba was to reset. I think I did that successfully and even though I wish things had gone differently, sometimes there is nothing one can do to fix someone else’s problems. I wish her health and happiness but am getting ready to move on with my life. For everyone who has told me that there are plenty of fish in the sea… I am not ready for anything real and will start with catch-and-release for the foreseeable future. With that said, at least I have come back from Cuba with a slightly clearer head than I had two weeks ago. (Not to mention five pounds lighter!)

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 646

    I have not been eating well these last couple of days, but I also have not been gorging myself. As an example: Leslie and I were at breakfast this morning. She ordered off the menu while I opted for the buffet. I went up once, took what I wanted (an omelette, an English muffin with lox and cream cheese, some berries, and a yoghurt), and went back to the table. When that was done, I knew I could have gone to take more. The old me would have done just that. I did not. I was not trying to ‘get my money’s worth’ out of it. I was sated, and although I could have eaten more, I did not need to… and I did not.

    I had two interactions yesterday that gave me pause to think about my life, and I want to share them here.

    The waitress at breakfast yesterday morning (Gladys) was talking to me. When I told her that my bride and I live so far apart she said, ‘That must be so hard.’ I thought for a minute and responded to this effect: “Gladys, I have seen a lot of very difficult and sad things in my life. From your accent I suspect you were born in Cuba which means that you have too. Would I rather live with my wife? Absolutely. With that said, my friends in Cuba who are grateful for the used clothes and half-empty bottles of shampoo and toothpaste I leave for them have a much harder life than I do. My friends and family in Israel who are at war, and the innocent people on both sides of that war have a much harder life than I do. While I do look forward to living with Leslie, I live a life that allows me to pay my rent and my bills and support my children, and I can still afford to fly to Dallas to see her every month. I can afford to eat breakfast in this lovely restaurant and still smoke the cigars that I want. That’s not a hard life… it is simply one that has some challenges and sadness.” She was surprised by my answer because she said that most people – especially her customers who have money and privilege – are seldom grateful for what they have. She is right. I try to be grateful… even though I do not always succeed.

    The second interaction was with a student of mine. He asked me if he could ask a personal question. ‘How do you deal with stress? In your career you have to deal with so much. Does your faith help you to deal? I think it is so difficult to have faith these days… it is almost seen as a weakness to admit you believe in G-d.’ I responded that it helps to put things in perspective, but that my faith was personal, and I have never felt the need to explain it to anyone. I do not shy away from it, and I do not hide it. With that said, I have never cared what others think about my relationship with G-d. As for dealing with stress, it helps to breathe… whether you do so out of religion in prayer, or just as meditation.” It was a deeper answer than that, but that was the gist of it.

    With all that said, I know I am gaining weight this weekend and I know that when we get back to Dallas I will start to get back on track. I am going to live my life, and I am not going to deprive myself of the occasional splurge.

    Oh, and despite that all I ordered two more pair of pants in the 36×32 size… they will arrive Monday!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 552

    It happened again. I realized yesterday after I posted my article online that I had flubbed my days. It was only a couple of days since it happened, and it only took me three minutes to go back and fix it all. We are back on track, and today is really day 552.

    I must be spoiled. I was disappointed this morning that I only lost .2 lb. from yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself that the medical community agrees that a healthy rate of weight loss should only be 2-3 lbs. per week, and not the tremendous losses I like to see when I am following my program… or even my modified program. I also have to remember that I once wrote that one pound lost is three pounds of progress.

    I prepared a lovely dinner of breaded salmon last night, and Leslie took care of the side dishes (steamed vegetables with a cheesy sauce and basmati rice). It was delicious and quite satisfying. It was still stifling hot outside, so we waited an hour or so before we took up our positions on the balcony with our cigars. I love that ritual, and love that even though we cannot live together yet, we can be together for these brief visits and enjoy them. When we are in our respective countries we still enjoy the ritual, but over video conference… it is much more enjoyable when I can reach out and touch her than when I have to look at her through the rectangle of my phone.

    I decided to refrain from walking this morning for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I overdid it yesterday. That is not to say that I am in pain or discomfort, but one should always be aware of one’s own body. I am not a young man anymore, and while I want to push myself like the soldier I once was, I know that I cannot do that. I have been doing great this year, don’t get me wrong. I am in better shape now than I have been in a few years, and I am satisfied that I am doing what I can to change myself for the better. The second reason I took this morning off is because I told Leslie that I would make shakshuka for breakfast! It is my first kick at this particular can, and I am looking forward to eating the results. It is ready, and I am just waiting for Leslie’s meeting to finish before we eat. If it came out well, then I do not see why I cannot make it for us (or for myself when I am in Canada) from time to time… there is nothing unhealthy or fattening about it. If it did not come out well, then I will not give up… I will just find a different recipe. I always enjoyed it, and when the rabbi’s wife made it for our wedding reception Leslie really loved it. It will definitely be the most complicated food in my repertoire, but that does not mean it is terribly complex… only that most of my recipes are pretty simple.

    It is a lovely day, and the forecast is for another hot and sunny one. I am sitting on the balcony with my coffee writing my article, and right now it is gorgeous – 85° Fahrenheit with a bit of a breeze. The forecast high is 104°, which for us Canadians translates to holy crap it’s hot degrees out! Seriously, it is 40° Celsius, which is the absolute (pre-humidex) temperature. When I read yesterday’s temperature of 105° Fahrenheit, it said ‘Feels like 110°’. Unless you are boiling water that is hot no matter how you slice it. I will try to remember these hot days in the dead of winter when I am bundled up in sixteen layers to take Her Floofness for her walks.

    Leslie’s son is coming home today for the week, which is wonderful… except it means that our food will be somewhat dependent on the likes and pickiness of an eight-year-old boy. I have to maintain my mindfulness and not indulge in bad (but enjoyable) foods, or at least be careful with portion sizes. I am sure there will be a fast-food meal or at least something like that. I’ll try to keep at the front of my mind that I have worked too hard and come too far to let myself go; I have also done too much of that these last few months, and now that I am starting to get back on track, it would be a travesty to fall off so quickly.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 504

    Just as happened the previous evening, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and saw a shocking number. Unlike the previous, it did not all disappear the next morning. I am, once again, within a couple of ounces of the 260 lbs. mark. I am not happy with myself; I know I have to do a better job today than I have these last few days, or else I am going to slide back into old habits. That would result in the eventual catastrophe of losing all of the progress that I have made.

    All is not lost. I know that over the last year and a half I have had several plateaus. They have been breaks from the rigidity of an extreme program which cannot be sustained long term. There have been a few of them, and I have always managed to get back on track. I will stay aware and stay mindful, and I will not give up. It is only when I start to let go that I really start to lose.

    This morning’s class is very relaxed… at least, it is for me. I got through almost all of the lectures by end of day yesterday, so this morning I only had one topic to cover. With that said, the students have a lot of labs that they have to get through, which is what they are doing this morning. The two students who have completed the labs are working on practice exams. All said, the class is ready for tomorrow’s end-of-class assessment test. I can do a little bit of work on my own stuff this morning when I am not answering student questions. After lunch I will pick Kerry up from the train station, and she will be here for a few hours. My evening class will not be quite so relaxed… but it is one of the classes I do not fret about. Unlike yesterday, I am not counting the minutes until my class is over tonight… although I do intend to have another cigar date with my wife when it does!

    While it was not reflected on the bathroom scale this morning, I made it through yesterday mostly unscathed. Truly I cannot understand how my weight jumped a full two pounds this morning, but I am sure that if I stay on track then it will get back down tomorrow. I just have to stay focused. I did run all of my errands yesterday, and somewhere along the way I realized I had lost my glasses. I was able to retrace my steps, and finally found them at the service desk of the supermarket. Phew! While I love my other pair of glasses, they are scratched up and waiting for the new lenses to come in (which is another ordeal which I will not spend time on). I would have worn those had these gone missing, but I am glad I got them back.

    I have not been sleeping well these last few nights. I strongly suspect that is because my linens were dirty, as well as not tight (which happens when I have had not changed them in three weeks). I stripped the bed this morning and put them into the laundry. This evening I should have an answer to whether or not that was my issue. If not… then it is likely because I hate sleeping alone, and Leslie will be here in three days to solve that issue… at least for a couple of weeks.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 489

    I am not sure what is going on these last couple of days, but my eyes popped open again this morning before 6:00am. If I was going to jog that would have been helpful. As I am holding off on that until the weekend (or at least until Friday, when I do not have a thirteen-hour day) that becomes decidedly inconvenient. At least yesterday when I woke up I was able to take advantage of my early rise by going to get my bloodwork done. This morning I did some banking, answered some emails, but that’s it. I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I said my prayers before sitting down to my computer with a meal replacement and a cup of coffee… and I do not have to start teaching for another ninety minutes or so.

    The streak ended today. After nine straight days of watching my weight drop every morning, today it is the same as it was yesterday. That is not really a big deal, especially knowing that this morning was the first since I restarted the full-fast program that I did not have a bowel movement. Had my weight gone up I might not be so calm (although I would try to put on a brave face). Staying the same was not nearly so bad as a gain would have been.

    It is interesting to compare what my mind views as cheating when I am on the full program as compared to when I am not. For example: I know for a fact that there were a couple of days last week (before I started again) when I decided it would not be the end of the world if I bought a bag of mini crisps… or Goldfish crackers. At the end of any day I would likely not have been able to give you a proper accounting of everything that I ate. In contrast, yesterday I had four meal replacements (900 calories total), three cups of coffee (with oat milk, as much as 20 calories total), two cups of Royal Milk Tea (one caffeinated, one decaf – my best research puts this at 120 calories total), and three Bentasil lozenges (eucalyptus flavour – 8 calories). That comes to about 1,050 calories. Add to that about 100g of carbohydrates (75g of which are in the meal replacements) and it comes to a very successful day. Nonetheless, I thought long and hard about that second cup of tea, knowing that it would be a cheat. What only a week ago would have been an irrelevance now gives me pause. I am not sure if that is a good thing (that I am mindful and aware of everything that I am ingesting) or a bad thing (that I am so obsessive about it). A third possibility is possibly more balanced… that I should be more aware (and mindful!) when I am not on the program, but that I can be a little more forgiving of myself when I am being almost completely strict. And here we have yet one more thing I will need to think about this week.

    My goal for today is to stick to the program. I am not going to be stingy with the lozenges – I am doing a lot of talking this week, and my throat is my most important tool – but if I do feel the need for another drink in the evening, I might brew a proper cup of tea, rather than mix a second milk tea. I am not doing this because I am appalled by the sixty calories in each cup, but it is something that I can control better… I can control how much oat milk I use, as well as the sugar. That reminds me that I have to remember to buy coffee the next time I go shopping. I really wish I could remember where I bought it last time, because it was really very nice! Oh well… I will have to do some research and find a good source for the beans that I like.

    Again, I will not be exercising today. I got through yesterday very well, and even sat on the balcony to enjoy a cigar at the end of the evening. With that said, even if I thought I had the time today, I know that I did not sleep nearly enough last night, and I have to be careful to not only make it through today, but the rest of the week as well. I am glad that while I cannot jog this week, I also have very little opportunity (or temptation) to cheat. I know I lose weight faster when I balance exercise and the program, but if I can only do the program these next few days then I will still lose a little bit more weight… or at least I will not gain any.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 488

    It looks like yesterday I was focusing on other things, and so I did not post an article. I wrote it, I completed it… I just never put it on my blog. Oh well. Here’s what I wrote, without a single word change, on Tuesday May 23, 2023. -MDG

    My eyes popped open this morning at 5:45am, which is ten minutes earlier than they would have had I not changed my alarm. Realizing I was not going to get back to sleep, I got out of bed and got my day started early. As I went about my bathroom routine I thought about a 5km walk after bringing Princess Sophie in from her morning outing, and I even dressed for it; had any of my neighbours been out that early they would have likely not thought twice about me wearing track pants. Nevertheless, when we got home I decided to get dressed properly, and then go to the lab early and wait in line. That turned out to be the right decision, because as it turns out, the lab closer to home opens at 7:30am and not 8:00am, as does the one in the same building as my doctor. When I walked into the building there was already a line, and by the time I got near the front of it that line was three times longer than it had been when I showed up. I probably saved an hour with that snap decision and was home from the vampires by 8:30am. I was by then more than ready for my morning coffee and meal replacement, owing to not being allowed to eat or drink before the bloodwork was drawn.

    This morning marked the ninth straight day of weight loss. With a day-over day drop of one pound I have now dropped a full 15.4 lbs. since putting the brakes on my slide. I am happy with that, but I also have to give a lot of thought to how to interpret my progress, my feelings, and my plans going forward. As I mentioned in yesterday’s entry, on Sunday I was feeling extremely weak, and I needed to break from the program. I know that I was jogging on the full-fast program before, but on Saturday and especially Sunday I was extremely weak and fatigued the rest of the day. I doubt that had I jogged yesterday morning if I would have been able to make it through my class. In the next few days I am going to discuss my options with Leslie and see which one we feel will be the smartest going forward. In the meantime, I made it through the day yesterday with four meal replacements and two cups of Japanese milk tea… in addition to my regular coffee consumption.

    Every day that my weight drops takes me to a new best weight ever; Saturday morning I was tied with my previous best, but the last three days have each set a new record low. While I have no recollection of it, as I have written in these pages before I was weighed in 2005 at 255 lbs., at the end of my Weight Watchers success (that was abruptly halted by the end of my first marriage). I have been wracking my brain to try to remember another weigh-in lower than that, and the only one that comes to mind is from a year before my enlistment in the Army. I have no recollection of weighing myself between autumn of 1993 and the winter of 2005, although I am sure I did step onto the scale for Army doctors and other check-ups… there is just no record of it. Because of that I feel I am in uncharted territory and find myself at a loss for what to say. I know there are people who have yearned for the day they would see me at a loss for words.

    My plan for the day is to stay the course. Of course, it does not hurt that I start teaching in 30 minutes, and I go straight through until 9:15pm. Would it be possible for me to cheat if I wanted to? Sure. Would it be simple or convenient? It would not be. I am also hoping that I will not be tempted to, because if I had to I know I could pop open a can of salmon or tuna. I do not think I will have to resort to that today, unless I am really struggling. I am hoping that today will be my second straight day of complete success on the program, and that tomorrow morning will mark my tenth straight day of weight drop… and fourth straight day of setting new best-weight-ever records for myself.

    That last note, incidentally, is something that my wife reminds me constantly to be careful of. The scale giveth, the scale taketh away. There will be days when I do everything right, and the scale will either show no loss, or worse a slight gain. I have to remember that these things are going to happen, and that it is not a sign of failure, nor is it a reason to get discouraged. I know that one day in the next few I will see that happen, and I have to remember that weight loss is not going to be a straight and unbroken line down without the occasional blip… even if I do everything right. The most important thing is for me to stay focused and stay on track. As long as the downs are more than the ups then I am still on the right track.

    My plan for today is to stay focused and mindful, and to not veer from the program. As I wrote, it is possible that I will be changing my program over the next few days, but most likely that would not happen until the weekend. Unless I find that I do not have the ability to concentrate and stay awake, I will stay on the full-fast this week, and on the weekend, when I resume my jogging, I will reevaluate that plan. Yes, I have decided that this week I will not be getting up at the crack of dawn to jog before class. Until I know how it will affect my mind and body throughout the extremely long day, I am going to hold off. Next week, when I am teaching in the morning then again at night, I will be happy to jog after my morning class. That way, if I am really drained, I can still take a nap in the afternoon before my evening class. This week, teaching twelve hours straight through Thursday, I will not have that option.

    As long as I do not fall off track, sometime in the next few days I will hit a monster milestone. I am less than two pounds from hitting 250 lbs., which I have no memory of ever weighing after joining the Army. I need to stay on track so that I can celebrate that one soon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 483

    Today is the first day of the rest of my weight loss journey. A few days ago, I made a promise to myself (and to my wife) that I would, starting today, resume my program with gusto and intent. Over the last few days I have been a little more cavalier with my eating, knowing that this resumption was coming. I did not really eat anything bad, but I was certainly not on my strict or even my true modified program. That all ends today. I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of purpose, with a plan to follow the full-fast program. I took stock of my meal replacements, and if I stick to the program completely then I have 9.5 days’ worth. I will drive into Scarborough tomorrow to pick up another case, which is enough for four more weeks. I have to do it tomorrow because next week I am teaching all day every day, and they are not open on weekends.

    While I have certainly not been true to my program since returning from Dallas, I will consider it at least a minor victory that everything that I have eaten, I have cooked myself. There was one exception to that, which was at the herf I went to last Friday (they had chicken wings, and I ate six of them). I have not eaten at a restaurant even once; I have not ordered food, and I have not even bought any food from the prepared food counters at the supermarket. I have said before that however difficult it may be to eat well at home, it is exponentially more difficult to do when eating out. Do not get me wrong – I still bought mini-crisps and even Goldfish crackers a couple of times… but other than those, almost everything that I have eaten has still been relatively acceptable… on my modified program, if not on my full-fast program.

    I was shocked once again this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale to a major drop in weight. While I am still above the 260 lbs. mark, I am also less than 7.5 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever (from April 14 – Day 450). It is as if my body, despite eating more than usual and even eating late yesterday, wants to encourage me to get back on track and not lose faith that I can do it. I do not know if I would have been demotivated had I gained weight this morning, but the numbers on the scale this morning did give me a spring in my step, and hopefully energized me to make it through the next few days, which are always going to be difficult. After all, going from eating normal food back to only 900-calories of meal replacements in a day is never going to be easy, either physically or emotionally.

    This morning had another surprise for me. During my usual morning ritual I had a very fine bowel movement… nothing new there. A couple of hours later, before I started teaching (as I was writing this journal entry) I took a break, and had another very good BM. Two in a morning is rare, and it felt good. I suspect that as I drop the solid foods for the next few weeks, even the one per day will not be guaranteed. Maybe this was another way for my body to help me to make that break – ridding my body of those solid foods in anticipation of not needing them.

    I am teaching until 1:00pm today, and then again from 5:30 until 9:00pm. My plan is to have a shake directly after my morning class, and then go for a jog. The weather forecast calls for a beautiful afternoon – partly cloudy with temperatures steady around 13°-14°. I will plan a course of about 10km, similar to my distance Sunday. On that outing I jogged 5km and then walked the rest of the way. Today I will try to increase my jogging distance to at least 7km, and more if I am feeling it. I just want to keep improving.

    My goal for the day is to stay mindful. Today is my first day back on the program, and I have to make sure that it stays that way. It is all too easy to eat something, which means that tomorrow would be my first day back on the program. “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.” Quoting MacBeth can be morbid, but she long and the short of it is that I cannot live for tomorrow and hope to do better tomorrow. I have to life today and succeed today. It is too easy to put things off until tomorrow… that is often the best road to mediocrity and failure. I do not want to fail! I want to continue to lose weight and eventually be the lithe slim fellow that I have not seen in the mirror for more than twenty-five years!

    Something else that I need to remember to focus on today is my water intake. I have to drink a lot of water to stay hydrated and to continue to flush the garbage from my system. The simple math is that the more one drinks, the more one loses weight… as long as they are not eating crap.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Know Where To Stick Your Comments

    **This is another article that I wrote during a previous weight loss attempt. It is funny how little editing I needed to do in order to make it apply perfectly to this week, nearly three years later. –MDG

    Has anyone else had it up to here (gesturing just above my head) with people telling you what to do with regard to your weight loss? Is there someone in your life who thinks they know better than you? I suspect we all try to be polite to them, but sometimes it can be too much.

    There was one person that I met recently who fed into my stress. As I said, I have very little patience for people who try to tell me what I should be doing to lose weight… no matter what their intentions are. Yes, they mean well… but do me a favour and keep your opinions to yourself.

    “Mitch, you know that the extra weight you are carrying around is not healthy, right? If you were to do X, you would continue to lose even more weight. You will be so much happier when you do!”

    I usually do not respond when someone opens their mouth like this, but I suppose was having a bad day, and this was just too far. ‘Hey, Fred (not his real name) … thanks for your concern. One of us has lost about 115lbs in the last year, and the other one of us should shut up and save his advice for when I ask for it. Would you care to guess which one of us is which?’

    Yeah, ‘Fred’ was more than a little surprised that I would say that… but really, at this point I think I’ve done pretty well, and that the method I am using is pretty good, wouldn’t you say? If I did not want your advice when I was at my heaviest, what makes you think I would want it now? If you want to offer support, offer words of encouragement. Things that friends have said over the past few weeks:

    • Oh my G-d, Mitch… I cannot believe how well you are doing! Keep it up!
    • Mitch, you look amazing! Keep up the good work!
    • Wow… you are a shadow of your former self!
    • You are a true inspiration to me!
    • Mitch, you look hot!

    All of these are perfectly acceptable (and welcome!) comments. Keep them coming folks!

    The following, on the other hand, are neither helpful nor welcome, and if it is what you were thinking of saying, then just say nothing:

    • You are doing well, but you still have a lot of weight to lose.
    • Mitch, how much more weight do you think you need to lose?
    • If you’d like, I know a doctor with an amazing weight-loss plan that would help you lose the weight even faster!
    • You’ve lost so much weight and still wear a Size 38 pants?
    • You should do X to lose more weight.
    • The program you are following is not healthy, so be careful.
    • If you do not change your habits, you are just going to gain the weight back again.

    Do you see that most of these comments sound like they are meant to encourage me? Some of them are from people who want to help, who think they are helping. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all unsolicited. I can almost guarantee at this point that I know more about weight-loss, but certainly about my own body and weight loss, than you do. I have also spent more time morbidly obese than you have. Please, keep it to yourself.

    I welcome, I love hearing, I love getting words of encouragement. Positive reinforcement is wonderful, and when people tell me how great I look it makes me well with joy. I have figured out what works for me, and that is why I look the way I look now, rather than what I looked like a year (or even three months) ago. Let me keep at it… I assure you I have no desire to ever gain another ounce again. But I have figured out a way to do it without your help, and I am my own harshest critic.

    When I was married to my second wife, I went on a weight-loss program. I asked Theresa (my now ex-wife) to be my Diet Sergeant. For a couple of months, she was… and with her help I did pretty well… until I did not. When I tried to get back on track, I asked her to resume her duties. She told me that it was unfair of me to put that responsibility on her… when no matter how strict she was, I could always circumvent her ‘authority.’ She was right… My diet is just that… mine. The responsibility is mine, and the success or failure of it is mine.

    I am my own harshest critic… in all things, not just the diet program. I beat myself up over it all the time, and nothing that you say will be harsher than what I say to myself. The difference is that I have the right… you do not. My mother used to say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. She was the worst offender of this advice that I have encountered in my fifty years on the planet. That does not make it bad advice, it just makes her a hypocrite. If you want to encourage me, say something nice… and completely nice. Be prepared with a follow-up should I be self-deprecating. I’ll give you an example:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… you look like you have lost a ton of weight!

    (Me) Thanks, but it’s just a drop, and I have so much more to go.

    (You) Well you are doing great… whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

    Do you see how easy that was? On the other hand, the following would be a terrible way to follow up:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… I can’t believe how much slimmer you are than the last time I saw you!

    (Me) Thanks, but I hope the next time you see me I will be even slimmer still.

    (You) Make sure you have the occasional cheat meal, so you do not give up completely. Want to join us for pizza?

    I cheat enough, and I do not need your encouragement or permission. If I tell you I want to lose more weight, just follow up with ‘Well, you are doing great!’ or ‘Whatever you have been doing, keep doing it!’ That’s all I want. That’s all I need. If you cannot say something 100% positive, then don’t say anything.