Losing a part of me

Category: Attitude

  • Day 362 (For real this time!)

    As I wrote yesterday, there was no way for the bathroom scale to register a weight loss this morning without bringing me to the point of a one-hundred-pound loss. Following my morning washroom routine, I walked into the bedroom and looked at Princess Sophie and said ‘Girl, let’s hope to see the integer drop. Even if the fraction is .8, I would love to see the whole number as 294. 295 would reach it, but let’s hope that I surpass that number. I stepped onto the scale, looking straight ahead for five seconds as I always do so that the weight can be confirmed. The numbers on the scale read 294.6 lbs. I did it. Three days short of the one-year anniversary of my weight loss journey, I have surpassed the one-hundred-pounds milestone. I do not have a mirror in my room, but I can only assume there was a big smile on my face. I am not nearly at my goal weight, but I reached the next huge milestone.

    In the end, I did not go for my drive yesterday. I did not go to see Lyle yesterday. In fact, I did not leave the building except for when I walked Her Floofness. So, it is easy to jump to the conclusion that I did not accomplish anything. In fact, I went through all of my shirts (and I had a lot of them!) and tried them all on… or at least, I tried on all of the ones that I have not worn in the last week or two. I know that my custom-tailored shirts all fit, so that is fine. I was thrilled that all but one of my guayabera shirts fit. There are a couple of long-sleeved ones that I am really happy I can wear again. There is one that does not fit, but it should fit in a couple of months… if I keep up with my progress.

    I actually made three piles, in addition to the nineteen shirts that I put back into the closet: Shirts that don’t fit yet went into a bin with the rest of my pants that do not fit yet, along with a few t-shirts. Shirts that are too big were divided into two piles: one to donate, but the other pile is of really nice button-down shirts that I am offering to a friend who is bigger than I am, but who might be able to wear them. That pile has a dozen shirts that were all very expensive and are in very good condition. If he does not want the then I will offer them to another friend, and if he doesn’t want them then they are all being donated. This will all happen this week. In the meantime, my closet is so much cleaner with so muck more space that it has had in a very long time! I even re-hung the hang-down soft shelves unit that I was planning to take to Dallas with me. Only this morning did it occur to me that I am not quite done… there are shirts hanging in the closet in Dallas that will either come back to Canada with me or will be donated in Dallas. The timeline for that is not clear, but if nothing else, some of those shirts might make the trip back to Canada to be donated here, if only so that I can use them as packing material.

    I could not understand why my apartment was so cold yesterday. I was absolutely freezing by around 4:00pm, which was weird because yes, it was cold outside… but it was much warmer than it had been even earlier in the day, let alone the last few days. It was only after I got up to turn the thermostat up – and realized it was already at 75°F – that I knew something was wrong. I am feeling fine – not a hint of sick – so what is wrong with me? And then it dawned on me… I had already drunk 4-6 litres of water in the afternoon, and that makes all the difference. During both of my previous extreme weight loss attempts, I had made notes that the huge quantities of water that I drink have several effects, including, most relevant to this topic, is that it causes me to feel really cold… especially my extremities! While that does not solve the problem, at least it helps to know what is causing it. Yay.

    Something that I was worried about as I prepared to start my intensive program was that I have food in the house. When I first did the program in 2017, I emptied the fridge and the cupboards. I threw out everything… including spices. The only thing that I had in the cupboards for the twelve-week intensive program were boxes of my meal replacement shakes. This time around, I did not make that jump. If I wanted to, there is plenty of tuna and salmon in the pantry, plus a couple of cans of soup… and yes, all of my spices are still there. I don’t have much other than condiments in the fridge (except for a couple jars of pepperoncini, partly because I really like them but also partly because I always thought it was fun to hear Leslie’s reaction when she saw them. In the freezer I have a lot more… aside from a half-dozen Montreal bagels, there are a couple of steaks, several pieces of fish, a couple of packages of Beyond Meat burgers (and a package of the ground beef), and a box of a Buffalo Cauliflower meal that I think I bought to make when Leslie was here last but never did. The point of this is that I have plenty of opportunity to cheat… and like at lunch on Saturday, I get to prove to myself each time I open the fridge that I have the willpower to resist the temptations. In addition to everything else, it is another way that I can try to change my behaviours for the long term, all with the goal of breaking my unhealthy relationship with food.

    Like every day since Wednesday, yesterday’s intake was four meal replacements only. The difference is that yesterday morning I made the switch from the American product (with fewer calories, but more shakes per day) to the Canadian product. Unlike the American program, the Canadian one calls for four shakes per day; at 225 calories each, that makes a 900-calorie day. Add the negligible calories from what I add to my coffee, I will still be under 950 calories per day. As long as I can continue to lose weight on that, I will be happy. Now if plateau again, the only change that is left to make would be to cut out coffee… or at least the sugar and milk (or non-milk) that I add to it. I have not decided how long I will stay on the program, but I do have some thoughts on it that I will share later.

    I have been spending so much time these last few weeks about achieving the under-300 lbs. milestone and the losing 100 lbs. milestone that I have not really taken the time to recognize another, which is less clearly delineated that these others. In all of my serious weight loss attempts over the past six years, I have established and then several times changed what my ultimate goal weight is. That number has fluctuated between 195 lbs. and 225 lbs.; in the app that tracks my weight that came with the bathroom scale, that number is currently set to 210 lbs., only because the app needs you to enter a goal weight. In truth, I realized a while ago that I have not weighed under 250 lbs. (which was already fat) since the 1990s… in other words, my mid-20s. As I write this, I am fifty years old, and I recognize that the older body will not look like what the younger body looked like. In other words, my goal is to be slim… but I do not know what slim at my age (and with my body type) will look like on the scale. The important thing for me to recognize is that I want to get slim, and whatever my slim weight will be, for the first time since I started this journey a year ago, I do not have to lose one hundred pounds to get there. It is unlikely that I will ever weigh under 195 lbs., but if that is where I need to be to slim, then by the time I realize that I will likely be within 15-20 lbs. of that number anyways.

    I have so much more to say, but I have to head out to start my day. I am making sure to take two meal replacement shakes with me (along with a shaker bottle, not knowing for certain how long I will be out. Unlike during my modified program, if I am out and about without a meal replacement, I cannot drop into Bulk Barn to pick up some peanuts without it being a clear violation of my program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 357

    Yesterday was a very long and busy day. I have no problem teaching a twelve-hour day, but usually when I teach, the lectures are broken up with labs that the students do. The class I have been teaching during the day these last two days were lab-free, which meant my only breaks from lecturing were for the morning and afternoon breaks (fifteen minutes each), and lunch (an hour). The evening class started the minute the daytime class was finished, but thankfully there were a couple of labs for the students to work on while I finally rested my voice… and of course finished yesterday’s journal entry.

    I know I should not be worried, but today is the first day of my transition onto the full meal-replacement program. It is the first day that I will not be eating a meal. I had my first meal replacement this morning, and while it was no different from how I started my day yesterday or the day before, I somehow feel less sated by the shake. It is as if my body knows that there’s nothing more substantial coming later in the day. I have to steel my resolve and get through it. I remember from the last two times that I started on the full program that the first few days are not very pleasant. It is only when the ketosis kicks in (the process by which your body burns its own fat for energy, rather than carbohydrates) that I will be back to full energy. Until then, I can expect my mood to be unpleasant (to be polite). Fortunately for all (other than myself), I can be pretty good at masking that to the outside world. It would not do for me to snap at my students!

    I wrote yesterday that I was worried about how I would adjust to the smaller meal (one piece of chicken instead of two). I am pleased to say that I got through it just fine; my food intake consisted of my morning meal replacement (around 8:30am), my daily meal at 1:00pm, and a meal replacement bar around 7:00pm. I do not know if I actually forgot to eat anything else, but I know that I was extremely busy and distracted, and I did not really feel hunger until I had the bar. When my evening class was over, I essentially poured myself into bed; I watched TV for an hour or so before trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep. I was a bit hungry as I watched, but I knew that eating late at night often had consequences on the bathroom scale the following morning. If the hunger grew into a real discomfort, then I would have eaten something. All of this to say that the reduced-size meal was a success, and when I do transition back from the strict program, I will be implementing that as the new normal.

    I started on a modified program in January last year, and I wrote back then that I knew I was still eating a lot, but that with my size I would still lose weight. I also said that I would make adjustments to the program when it was necessary. When I get back to the modified program, this will be the third adjustment that I am making. The initial modified program included a meal at lunch, and then a salad (with protein, such as a can of tuna or salmon) at dinner. I eventually cut that down to the one meal, which I would eat in the evenings. The next adjustment was to change that meal from the evening to midday. The fact that the daily meal was usually two large pieces of chicken never bothered me because they are mostly healthy protein. I was still losing weight, so it was working. Now, knowing that I have been on this plateau for two months, I have to admit that it is time to make the next change. With that said, there has been so much cheating in that time; I am not only talking about the occasional handful of peanuts; I mean eating out with friends (and with Leslie when she was in town), and snacking, and a few other things that I will not rehash (that were mostly all discussed in these pages). Whatever the cause (which includes stress, anxiety, injury, and mental health issues in addition to the cheating), it is time for me to break that barrier and get past the plateau. You cannot make changes by doing the same thing… so there it is, my next big change; I will be reducing the size of my one daily meal (when I go back to having one daily meal).

    Around New Years Day I posted on one of the Facebook groups that I have lost ninety pounds in the past year, and that I hope that a year from now I will be able to post the same thing. If I can, that would mean a total of one hundred and eighty pounds lost… and down below my weight in the months before I enlisted in the Army. Of course, there is no way that I will ever have that physique again… but how nice would it be to get there? I mention this because only a few days ago I was thinking to myself that if I cannot lose any more weight, and the best that I can do is getting to the 300-pound mark, then it would still be an accomplishment. I know that I can do better though, so I cannot think like that. I cannot be satisfied by half-ass results that I get from doing a half-ass job on the program. I know from personal experience that if I dedicate myself to it, I can do so much better. It was only two and a half years ago that I weighed forty pounds less than I do today; I know that had I not fallen off the wagon, I could have done better then. I know I can do it now… I just have to remember that every day, and so when what I am doing is not working anymore, I have to re-evaluate what that is, and make changes.

    Princess Sophie is on a play date today with Charlie; his mom saw me dressed in my jacket and tie and commented on how spiffy I look. It is the first unsolicited compliment I have gotten on my new look, and I am happy with that. I am rethinking my shirt-jacket-tie combination, but I am glad that someone noticed.

    It is almost 10:00am, and it is time to get ready for class. I will end here, but as it is the first day of my new changes, do not be surprised if I end up writing another article today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 350

    I lied. Okay, no I did not lie, but I did change my mind after writing and publishing yesterday. I had originally said that I was not going to the gym. After lunch I thought to myself that I could stay home, be lazy, watch some television, maybe even enjoy a cigar on the balcony… and then at 5:30pm I could come sit at my computer to be ready to start teaching at 6:00pm. I realized that I could continue the patterns of behaviour that while not completely lazy (I would, after all, be working that evening), were certainly lazy-adjacent. These were hours that I could use to maintain the status quo (one that I have been unhappy with these last few months), or I could do something else. I have complained in these pages too many times about eating exactly what I am supposed to eat, yet not losing weight. If you want a reference, look at yesterday’s entry. Not this time.

    Before heading out to the gym, I folded and put away my clean laundry from the previous night. This itself is a change – so often the clean laundry has remained in the dryer until I needed it, or until the housekeeper came (every 2-3 weeks). This is the second time in as many weeks that my clean laundry has been folded and put away in a timely fashion. I made sure that I had the right clothes for the gym, plus water and a pair of earbuds, and off I went. I worked on the machines for 30-40 minutes; I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes (including three bursts of actual running and not just walking). I spent ten minutes on the hydro-massage bed before hopping into the shower quickly to rinse off before sitting in the sauna for fifteen minutes. I showered again and was home by 5:00pm.

    I did stop off for a handful of peanuts on my way home. This is still a bad habit, but considering the intensity of my workout, I suspect my body will have metabolized them pretty quickly.

    Okay, it is time to head to the doctor’s office for my consultation and weigh-in. I was telling Leslie last night that I hope that I have lost 1.8kg from my last weigh-in, because if I did, I would have lost 40kg in total since starting my journey (according to the doctor’s scale. The nearly 2 lbs. difference between that and the 90 lbs. that I claim to have lost on my bathroom scale is based on the difference between weighing myself dressed versus naked. Wish me luck!

    —

    Missed it by that much! I lost 1.6kg, which leaves me just shy of the 40kg mark. I have great faith that will be in two weeks. My blood pressure is 97/67, which is not much different than it was when I was in the Army. There are a lot of health concerns that I have to worry about. High blood pressure is not one of them. If it were something I sought, I could have all the sodium that I wanted! No, I do not plan to change that – the fact that I do not add salt to foods is because of taste preferences, and dates back to childhood. Don’t get me wrong – I will add salt to my food if it is bland and there are no other options, but it is a rare occasion. In November when I made my homemade chicken soup, I looked for a saltshaker, only to realize that I do not have one in this apartment. I had been living here fourteen months when that realization came to me. For the record, I do have a pepper grinder, but it is the one that you buy in the supermarket that you throw out when it is empty and buy another one.

    My doctor and I discussed how I have been feeling after two weeks on my ADHD medications. I told him that I am seeing a slight improvement, but I feel that I could benefit from an increased dosage. He told me that he expected that the lower dosage would not be sufficient, but he wanted to start slow. He doubled my daily dosage, so from today forward I will take two pills in the morning until my supply runs out, and I have a new prescription for the higher dosage in a single pill. I am glad that we are taking these steps. The more I see and read of others experiences with ADHD, the more I realize that so many of my faults are caused by this, and there is hope… as long as I am willing to ask for help. That does not mean that I am not going to continue with therapy – my regular appointments begin next Thursday, and I am eager for them – but I have been in therapy before, and I feel that a combination of that and the medications is a better course of action for the best possible results.

    It is a foggy day, and Princess Sophie (who did have a good walk this morning before it started to rain) is on a play date with her friend Charlie (who begged to see her so much that I received a text message as I was coming home). I have a meeting at noon, after which I will make my lunch and then go to the gym. The forecast shows rain all day until about 10:00pm, but as long as the wind is not bad then I can sit outside with my cigar after my workout. We will see – I am binge-watching a show that friends have recommended to me for years, and I finally got around to it. I know that Leslie will be with her son this evening, so I will likely be alone. We’ll see… maybe I will go out to visit a friend.

    I took a leap yesterday that most will consider unusual. I have been a milk fiend my entire life, and although I have not drunk it straight in years, I have always taken it in my coffee. To be clear, it has always been milk. It can be 1%, 2%, or non-fat… but milk is not cream. Also, it comes out of cows. While there are other animals that we can milk, the only fruit, nut, or legume that actually has milk is the coconut. Over the past two years I have changed my eating to kosher-style. If you do not understand the difference between kosher and kosher-style, do not worry about it. Suffice it to say, I do not mix milk with meat. In the Army, a completely kosher environment, we were not allowed to be served meat until an hour after we were last served dairy; going from meat to dairy was a six-hour wait. Those have been the guidelines that I have tried to follow these past two years. The only exception that I have made has been for milk in my coffee. I am not sure why I made this exception, but I did. It was a spur of the moment decision at the supermarket yesterday afternoon to buy almond milk instead of my usual cow-juice. I decided to give it a try and see if I can make the adjustment. As I sit here with my second non-dairy-milked coffee of the morning, I have to admit that I do not love the taste… but I do not hate it. I will spend a few weeks trying to adjust to it.

    (It is ironic that this morning on my Facebook Memories page there was a post from three years ago that I wrote saying: ‘Until you show me the nipple on a soybean, almond, oat, or coconut can we please agree that milk comes from mammals?’ At the time I was living with Liza, and between her and her daughter (two California shprintzeleiahs like you’ve never seen), they had ‘milk’ in the fridge from all of these and more… but if I wanted actual milk for my coffee, I had to buy it myself.)

    I mentioned last week that I added a calendar reminder to my Outlook to remind me to go to the gym, and I will keep it there. I know that I am a firm believer in tough love, but I am thinking that I might have worded it too harshly. ‘Go to the gym you fat, out of shape SOB!’ is more of an old-me, guilty, threatening, insulting toned message, reminiscent of the negative influences I got from my mother and an old friend named Andy. As of right now, I changed the wording going forward to: ‘Gym Time! Let’s get into shape!’ This is a more positive and encouraging message than it was. If I am trying to be a kinder and gentler me with other people, maybe it is time that I try to make the same change when speaking with myself.

    Occasionally I will look at myself in the mirror and say something nice about myself. For example, yesterday when I came home from the gym, I put on a button-down shirt in preparation for my class and said to myself ‘Wow, you look pretty good!’ Occasionally complimenting my physical appearance is a sign that my feelings toward myself have improved greatly in the past year. I still look in the mirror and see a fat slob, but I also know that I have taken huge steps to improve myself, both physically and otherwise. My emotional state today is much better than it was a year ago. I mention this because if I am feeling better about myself, then maybe I am right and yes, it is time for me to be kinder and gentler with myself. When I was at my heaviest, I needed the tough love to get on track. It was not easy, but it worked. Now that I am on track and am for the most part out of the danger zone, then as long as I am not in danger of falling back into my old bad habits then maybe I can be less harsh on myself. I will keep an eye out though… if I start regressing then maybe I will have to revert to my old Drill Sergeant tough-love tone. For now, positive self-encouragement is my plan.

    I mentioned to Leslie last night that I do feel good being back in the gym. Yesterday was my first trip to the gym without a personal trainer session. I might have gone once or twice at the beginning between sessions, but that was knowing that I was going back to the trainer in a few days. I am done with the trainer, and it is time for me to show that I have the discipline to do it on my own… and the dedication to stick with it. Yesterday I was in the changing room when someone came in, looked around, and said something like ‘Oh, we each have our own locker and the showers are separate. Good!’ he stepped out. I muttered that the ‘New Years Resolution Babies’ are going to be here for at least a week, and someone laughed. No, my joining the gym and starting to get into shape is not a New Years Resolution, but it is still something that I need to figure out how to stick with for the long term. If I do not, then I might as well be just another one of those quitters… and I do not want to be a quitter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 214

    For someone who’s usual routine is as utterly predictable as the movements of a clock, it is sometimes difficult to write every day about what I do and still keep it fresh. At least, I hope it is always fresh!? This morning I did not follow that routine. I got out of bed at 9:00am, which is a full two hours later than I usually would. This, after I woke up at 6:32am to pee, and after my ex-wife texted me at 7:28am to confirm what time I would be picking our son up for breakfast. Yes, I fell back asleep after 6:30am… twice!

    My time in the washroom was shorter than would normally have been, knowing that I had a pup who had waited patiently for me to wake up before asking to go out. As I was getting dressed, there was a knock on the door; my neighbour (Charlie’s mom) asked if Princess Sophie could come play, as her dog (and I believe her daughter’s dog Jasper as well) were barking and begging for Her Royal Floofness to come over. Yes, today is the first day in I don’t know how long that I am in town and did not take my dog for a walk. Routine shattered!

    The bathroom scale, as predicted, crept above the milestone I reached yesterday. This was entirely predictable, but it is something that I was prepared for. Leslie asked me a very important question yesterday about how I would react if the bathroom scale this morning showed me back above the 320-pounds milestone that I was so happy I hit yesterday. It was a question about psychology, about my attitude, and about my expectations. I told her that in all honesty, I expected that I would likely be back above that mark this morning – partly because of my cheat lunch yesterday, but also because I know that sharp drops are not only not easy to explain, but they also ‘give back a bit’ in the following days. I am glad she asked me the question. It gave me pause to think about it, and how I could or would react. It gave me the opportunity to shape my reaction and to not just get down on myself for it.

    Leslie shared another interesting idea with me yesterday about scheduling cheat days to keep me on track. They would have to be within reason (a large order of deep-friend and battered Buffalo wings would not be considered within reason), and they could not be too frequently, but that way if a friend invited me over for a meal that was outside my plan (as happened yesterday) I could either schedule my visits with friends around my allowed cheat days, or I could slide the cheat day… say, if it was supposed to be Sunday, but I was invited to my friend’s on Saturday, I could move it around. It is definitely something I am going to think about. I have to decide what is a reasonable interval for it… and what is a reasonable cheat, versus what is on a par with the large order of wings.

    I am taking my son the younger for breakfast this morning, which means that while I made coffee, I did not have a meal replacement shake. I do not want to sit there and watch him eat while I have nothing, and I do not want to have a breakfast shake and a breakfast. I will order smartly (as I have done on our last few breakfasts together), and yes, I will probably end up finishing his eggs for him. I just have to be careful about carbs. There will be a piece of toast with my breakfast, but I cannot dip into his.

    My feet are in quite some pain this morning, so I might take the day off from walking… I’m not sure, I might reevaluate that position later today. In the meantime, I am going to have a lovely time with my son, and then the rest of the day is mine.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 201

    I cheated on my food intake yesterday. My weight is slightly up this morning. It would be easy to say post hoc ergo propter hoc, that the weight gain is the result of the cheating. What is more likely is that while I did cheat, I did not go overboard… and weight loss is never a direct and uninterrupted downward line. I am satisfied that I have been doing well on my program, and even though I had a bag of popcorn and two cookies, I am not discouraged.

    I should also mention that while I did eat those things, I did not have my three meal replacements. I only had two, foregoing the last one to offset the calories from the cheating (more from the cookies than from the popcorn).

    One might think that with all of the tubs of smaller-sized clothes that I have that I would not have to buy new for a long time. While that might be true, I do get excited that I am losing weight, and therefore will look better in cool and fashionable clothes. As such, this morning I ordered three new golf shirts that will be delivered to Leslie’s place in time for my next visit in a couple of weeks. There is a story behind the shirts.

    A year and a half ago my Rabbi and friend gifted me the absolute wildest golf shirt I have ever seen. I loved the psychedelic colours that were reminiscent of how the movies portrayed an LSD trance from the 1960s. It remains to this day one of my favourite shirts, and every time I wear it, someone comments on it… either one of my students, or a cashier, or just someone in the street or store. He told me the story of how he came across the company, but I regret I do not remember the details. Suffice it to say, I loved not only the design, but the quality and feel. I also appreciated that when I was at my fattest, it still fit.

    The company has dozens of funky golf shirts, and when I decided to buy new, I went to their website. I picked out a couple of patterns. After checking with Leslie (I do not need her approval, but I like to wear things that she appreciates) I was ready to order two shirts. I went to check out, and they were charging $10 shipping. Of course, there was also a banner on the front page of the site that said they shipped free on orders over $125. Even before the coupon code that Leslie dug up (thanks babe!) I would have been under that, but with the coupon I was saving enough money that I was prepared to buy a third shirt, and free shipping was now applied to my order.

    I can hardly wait to get them… It is exciting that I am dipping below the threshold from which I refused to buy new clothes into the zone where I know that clothes that I buy will now fit me for a few months. Of course, I did buy the custom-tailored clothes a few months ago, and if I am going to continue to wear those, I will have to find a tailor to adjust the sizes. I will look into that this week, so that I can take some of them to Dallas with me in a couple of weeks.

    I had popcorn again today. I am not going to have the cookies that I had yesterday. I am going to try to be good the rest of the day. I am also relieved that this was the last of my microwave popcorn, and so unless I go shopping and choose to buy more popcorn, I am done with that. I do have most of a box of Bear Paw cookies in the cupboard, but those have seldom been a real temptation for me.

    After seven straight days of pushing myself, I am going to take a break from fitness walking today. It is not because there is an 80% chance of rain between 5-7pm, it is because I pushed myself to go further, harder, and more than I thought that I could, and I want to give my legs (and especially my feet) a day to recover.

    A few years ago, my Master and friend told me that it is good to diet, but every so often I should cheat so that I could stay true to my diet. I thought this was a lousy idea, partially because back then I had not tried to change my habits, I was only tried to stop eating so that I could lose weight. A few days ago, Leslie suggested that from time to time it is okay to reward myself with a cheat meal, as long as you do it in moderation, and using common sense. For example, sushi might be a good cheat meal; deep-fried battered and breaded Buffalo wings is not. By using the same logic, eating the popcorn yesterday (and today) is not the end of the world. If I were to make it a habit that I was going to eat popcorn (and cookies) every day, that would be the end of my weight loss program.

    What I am getting at with that is that I should not – and will not – beat myself up over minor cheats. There are myriad foods that are not on my program that I can eat occasionally and sparingly. I just do not want to get into the habit, or do it too often. Once per week is fine, more is pushing it.

    This evening I will not be going for a walk, but that does not mean I should alter my routine. At 5:30 I will finish teaching, and I will make my meal replacement. When that is finished, I will take Princess Sophie for her walk. I have some calls to make after that, and will then sit on the balcony and talk with my wife until it is time for my last meal replacement… and bed. I am planning it out because if I don’t, it would be so easy to fall from grace, as it were.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 194

    Down is better than up. When it comes to losing weight, most experts, pundits, and observers tell you that you should not weigh yourself every day. I have in this space gone into details on that before, but it is the general consensus. It is not so much that I buck the trend as much as it is that I am just that kind of guy, and I want to see every day whether I am losing weight or not. On the days that I am, I am happy. On the days that I am not, I review the previous day to see if there is a reason why – something I did that might explain not losing or even gaining weight – and try to adjust my behaviour for the next day. If there is no reason why, then I remind myself that weight loss is not linear, and what is important is the downward trend of weight loss over time, and not the individual points on the graph.

    This morning, my weight was down from yesterday… very slightly. Following a four-day streak that had me down 3.4 lbs, the loss of only 0.2 lbs could be seen as insignificant. That would be wrong, for two reasons that I called out in the previous paragraph:

    1. While it may not be the individual points on the graph that are important, several points on that graph make a trend. Five days of 0.2 lbs down is equal to a pound lost.
    2. When losing weight, down is always better than up. That loss of only 0.2 lbs may be seen as minor, but it is still down, and down is better than up.

    There are so many opportunities in life to gain weight. It is the psychological game, the constant reminders of things that you would like to eat but cannot. Avoiding temptations that are constantly in our face is so difficult and yet it is one of the cornerstones of weight loss. Yesterday afternoon I sat with a couple of friends on their porch, and they told me they bought me something. It turns out they bought me a package of Hebrew National sausages, which are of course kosher. I had originally planned that yesterday’s meal would be fish, but in the early afternoon decided that I was not in the mood for fish and would instead buy chicken. Either of these are options on my diet that I am familiar with, can control, and which are quite healthy. While the sausages might be lower in fat and whatever other macronutrients, I also know that there is no such thing in this world as a healthy hotdog. I accepted them gratefully and put them into my freezer for a day when I want and deserve a special treat.

    The sausages were not my only opportunity to cheat yesterday. In fact, they were not even close. Driving to and from their house in Hamilton, I passed myriad restaurants that called to me with Buffalo wings, shawarma, hamburgers, pizzas, and more. Forget that Bulk Barn is along the way, and I could have stopped in for a handful of peanuts (or so many indulgences that are far worse). When I got to the supermarket, I bought lettuce and onions and chicken… and having to pass through the prepared foods section and bakery to get to those is never fun. How easy it would be to cheat in the breads section alone? I wouldn’t need the fancy pies and other desserts to satisfy my cravings when fresh rolls were just as delicious… and just as evil.

    The other day I was thinking to myself how terrible traditional media is for a dieter, with every restaurant and unhealthy food staple being advertised with great imagery. Even the radio commercials paint a picture of the wonderful and terrible foods that I want but cannot eat. If you turn off the radio and television, you cannot drive down most streets without seeing a billboard or an ad on the side of a bus that shows temptations. If you can steel your mind to those, just walking into a supermarket to buy the healthiest of foods requires walking past the unhealthiest. It is no wonder that dieting is so difficult, with temptations at every turn. It is worse in the United States than in Canada, but it is no picnic here. If anyone asks why losing weight is so difficult, the reasons are everywhere… because marketing is everywhere, and nobody advertises salads.

    In the end, I did indulge yesterday. I feel bad about it, but I stopped at Bulk Barn and bought a very small handful of peanuts – they cost me $0.77, taxes included – to eat on my way to Lyle and Dorothy’s. To compensate for the added calories, I cut out one meal replacement. Previously when I was eating peanuts every day, it was in addition to what I was supposed to be eating. To quote a line from the movie For Love of the Game: “A lot of little bottles equals one big bottle.” Yes, I had about 250 calories worth of peanuts yesterday, but I had them instead of a meal replacement. Is it a habit I should be in? No. Is it a way to mitigate the affects of cheating once in a while? Yes. Even so, I will not make a habit of it.

    I still did not go for a walk yesterday. My intention was to try to go after I got home from my friends’ house. Owing to the sleepless night, I did not feel that I would have been safe walking. I could hardly walk a straight line down the hallways of my building. I hope to resume my walking today. While Princess Sophie did need to go out once in the night, it was only once… unlike the previous night which was completely lost due to her upset stomach. I will wear my bigger shoes, so as to not aggravate the already aggravated blisters on my heel, and I might limit my distance… but I will walk today.
    Before I do that, I have an entire day of teaching to get through… and of avoiding temptations.

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 181

    I mentioned yesterday that I love it when the numbers on the bathroom scale are kind to me. This morning’s drop of 2.2 lbs is a result of several things that I did yesterday, including mostly good eating, a really strong walk, and drinking a lot of water. It might also be partially a correction for whatever seems to happen to my weight when I travel, whether by plane or by automobile. Either way, it was a good step in the right direction!

    It was brought to my attention recently that, with regard to my weight management program, I tend to be hard on myself… I accentuate the bad while minimizing the good. As I am currently on a journey of self-improvement, I am going to try to end that.

    I had two huge non-scale victories over the last few days, and I am quite thrilled with them. The first:

    I am a Microsoft Certified Trainer, and have been for sixteen years. After ten years, the program sends you a polo shirt every year… or at least, they did when I asked for them. After fifteen years, they send you a jacket. I know there are 20- and 25-year gifts as well, but I do not know what they are. While the polo shirts always fit well (and over the years I had XL through XXXL), the jacket (I have two) sizes are ridiculous… way too small, and for the past two years I have not been able to wear either of them.

    I was cleaning out my car this afternoon after my week-long travel debacle and I found it in the trunk. I had brought it to Leslie to wear in case she was cold at one point, and I forgot to take it out of the car. It made its way into my trunk, and has probably been there for five months. I tried it on… it is tight, but it fits, and I can zip it closed! Don’t get me wrong, it is far too warm this month to wear it… but come autumn, I will be happy to wear it… especially as I continue to lose weight so it will fit even better!

    The second non-scale victory: Yesterday I drove from Long Island, New York to Burlington, Ontario – a nine-hour drive, if you count the border and the stop for petrol – with three dozen Montreal bagel in the car. I knew they were there, and I did not eat even a bite of one! For those of you who have never eaten a Montreal bagel let me tell you… this is a huge accomplishment, and one that I did not expect to do. I knew they were there; they were in easy reach from the driver’s seat, and I did not touch them. I wanted to… but I did not.

    I should mention that I started my nine-hour journey without a cigar in the cabin, so when it was safe (Madison Avenue near 72nd Street in Manhattan) I pulled over in a bus-lane (try finding parking in Manhattan… I dare you), put my blinkers on, and ran to my trunk to grab a couple of cigars. Yes folks, rather than eating my feelings and anxiety, I smoked them away.

    (Spoiler alert: my feelings and anxiety are still with me… but I did not go off my weight management program in a big way because of them these last few days)

    As I wrote yesterday afternoon, I went for an epic walk. I also spent a lot of time thinking about things I need to do to be a better person and a better husband. Some of those things are obvious, some of them are harder for me to comprehend. That does not mean that I do not accept them, just that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I truly hope I am up to the task.

    Let’s cover what I ate… Around 9am I had a meal replacement shake, and another one after my walk (and after I wrote my article, so that puts it around 3:30pm). I had two pieces of chicken and a garden salad for dinner, followed by one Japanese biscuit and a very small amount of Smartfood White Cheddar popcorn. Yes, it was left over from the trip; I ate some on my way to Long Island from Montreal, and we all ate some in the hotel. After eating a bit of it (and truly I did not overindulge) I decided that as good as it is, it is not smart for me to have it in the house. I took it to the garbage room and poured it all out into the bin. Lead me not to temptation… I know exactly where to find it!

    While cleaning out the car, I brought the rest of the bagels upstairs, and I put them all into the fridge. I had given my neighbour Sue about a dozen and a half of them… she took care of Princess Sophie, and asked for nothing. I was happy to share! The rest went into my freezer, and I told my son that I have Montreal bagels waiting for him. When he comes to get them, they will be gone. In the event that he does not take all of them, I will bring what’s left to Lyle and Dorothy because I know they appreciate them too.

    Aside from that, I do not much feel like socializing. I am in a pretty bad way, so I might just drop the bagels off at my son’s and at Lyle’s when nobody is home so that I do not have to socialize. I really am not in the mood. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!