Losing a part of me

Category: body

  • Day 412

    I continued my streak yesterday, running for three kilometres and then walking six. My jogging pace is picking up a little bit which is good. I am looking forward to seeing how well I will be able to do when the roads and sidewalks are all dry, and I can wear my nicer running shoes.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3 km (3.04km)
    • Duration: 23:08 (24:51)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 7m42s (8m10s)
    • Steps: 3,600 (3,800)
    • Calories burned: 355*
    • Elevation gain: 0 (29m) *
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 156 (154)

    * I suspect there was an issue with my devices, as I am reasonably sure that the walk was not completely flat… and jogging the same distance as I did Sunday, it is unlikely that I burned less than half the calories.

    Walking

    • Distance: 6.05 km
    • Duration: 1:06:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m56s
    • Steps: 7,500
    • Calories burned: 689
    • Elevation gain: 37m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 112

    I am not sure why it is that a couple of hours after I came in, I started feeling nauseous and light-headed. It might have to do with the weather, or I might just be pushing myself a bit. The fact that my apps are telling me that I am burning more calories per day than I am consuming is not necessarily a bad thing… but yesterday I set out a little after noon, and unlike all of my previous outings I decided to wait until I got back home before drinking my second meal replacement. That might have been ill-advised. I will make sure, going forward, that I am not straddling the line of when I should be eating… I will make sure to set out after having one.

    The result of my not feeling well was that I lay down for a nap. Knowing I had to be awake to teach my class, I set an alarm. I felt a little better in time for class, but by the end of it I was ready to get back into bed. I will be keeping an eye on my body these next two days… There is no way that I am going to push myself so hard that I fly to Dallas under the weather. We will see how I am feeling tomorrow, but I know that I have an appointment in the middle of the day, and that might get in the way of when I would usually want to head out. If I have to put the brakes on jogging for a couple of days, then I will… if I have to.

    My weight was up this morning, but only by .2 lb. It is frustrating when you do everything right for so long, and then you see the regression… but I know that over the last four days I lost nearly four pounds, and it is not unreasonable for there to be that slight adjustment. I will live with it. I got a frantic text from my weight loss buddy this morning who was upset that on the four-month anniversary of her surgery, she found herself up .7 lb., which she was quite distraught over. I called her and reminded her that she is not .7 lb. up from four months ago, only from yesterday… and she is really severely slimmer (and lighter) than she was four months ago. I reminded her of the importance of the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph. This calmed her down significantly; she thanked me for calling and told me that she needed to hear that. She also told me about two encounters over the past few days where people have commented on how fabulous she looks. In one of those encounters she blew it off and attributed it to her new haircut and outfit, but the other was an old friend and she brought her into the circle of people who know. She knows that I advise people to keep that circle as small as possible; it is nobody’s business a) That she is losing weight, b) How she is losing weight, and c) How much weight she has lost. She agrees, but this was an old friend that she trusts.

    I realized this morning that I was out of my gourmet coffee, and I had to grind some of my Cuban coffee to make the pot. I will definitely go shopping today. It is not that I do not like the Cuban coffee, but it is not quite as tasty as what I usually make for myself. I only have one more whole pot of coffee to make before I fly to Dallas, but I should have it in the house for when I get back to Canada. I have a number of other errands to run today, and while I would usually go to a particular supermarket to pick up the coffee that I really like, there are a few things I need to pick up at Fortino’s (including my shoes, but also certain treats that I will be bringing to Dallas to surprise my wife), so I will just get coffee there… despite their having discontinued the particular blend that I used to favour. I will do that before my therapy appointment, which for the first time will be in-person. Until now our sessions have all been on the phone, but due to my being unavailable for our usual Thursday session, she had this appointment available. It will force me to get out of the house, which will, in turn, force (or at least encourage) me to go to pick up my shoes, along with the treats and the coffee. While I am out, I might also pop up to Milton to see Ryan, who has been encouraging me to change my windshield wipers at his shop. If I had computer advice for him, I would expect him to follow it. He knows cars and especially windshields (which is his business), so I have been planning to do that since he told me to… but my schedule has not allowed for it. This afternoon I can do it.

    Sometimes the universe puts things in place that just make sense. For the first time in several days, the sun is out but temperatures are -4°, and the wind is blowing cold… and picking up significantly in the afternoon. Today would not be a good day to be jogging, or at least it would be quite uncomfortable. I could easily plan to go to the gym for a couple of hours, but I have really been pushing myself these last few days so if I do, I will take it easy. Maybe a few weight machines, twenty minutes on the treadmill, and then a hydro massage followed by a good shvitz. I probably will not do any of that, but I will also not be suiting up for a jog outside… which I enjoy so much more than the gym. I suspect that my next several workouts – outdoors or otherwise – will take place in Dallas. Leslie and I talked about going to the gym in her apartment complex together, which sounds like a wonderful activity that we can share.

    I suppose, looking at it, I have quite a few items on my calendar for today, even though it looks bare. I have my therapist at 1:30pm, but I also have to run several errands. All of that will keep me busy, which is not a bad thing. I much prefer being busy than not being busy. I might try to do some studying today, but I might also just relax with my book. I downloaded a book onto my e-reader before I flew to Dallas last time, and I had not picked it up in several weeks until just a few nights ago. It is a crime drama from before the time when cops had cellular phones, and aside from the pure kitschy predictability of their stereotypical behaviour (bad-ass LAPD cop on the outs with his chain of command is paired up with the female FBI agent for a case that nobody thinks is a real case, and not only do they find evidence but they also end up sleeping together), it is funny when he says something like, ‘My pager started beeping, so I pulled off the road alongside the first payphone I saw.’ Kids today would not believe how different the world they know is from the one I grew up in. Still and all, it takes place in Los Angeles, and it is interesting to see how different my reading of that city is now that I have lived there. I wonder what it would be like to go back and read the Decker/Lazarus novels that I read for so many years, never having known where the Foothills, or Van Nuys or Tarzana or any of the other geographic references that they made were. All this to say that it would be nice to sit on the couch with my book and take just one day away from my cybersecurity and networking studies and teaching. I make no delusions that I might sit outside with a cigar though… the winds were unpleasant this morning and they are forecast to get worse as the day progresses.

    Until I started on the full-fast program, and not even at first, but really since I returned from Dallas just five weeks ago and resumed it, the predictability of my body schedule has gone out the window. For years I have reliably sat on the throne in the morning and produced. I have alternately referred to my morning routine and morning ritual, which has always meant heading to the washroom, taking my pills, brushing my teeth, and sitting on the throne (often for longer than necessary while checking e-mail, Facebook, and whatever else). I would then shower, shave, and then walk to the bedroom to weigh myself on the (no longer appropriately named) bathroom scale before getting dressed, and then taking HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk. Over these last few weeks, including today, I have sat unproductive on the toilet for long enough to realize that nothing was coming, and then I would continue with the routine. Were this something I kept an active record of, I would be able to count on one hand (maybe two) the number of times over the past two years that I have had not had a successful bowel movement, or when I have had one after 9:00am. That is, until this past month. It really has been weird, but I have to accept that my body is changing in so many ways… most of them positive, but I did like the predictability.

    Speaking of changes, I noticed something today that is hard to describe but impossible to miss. Looking at my naked body in the mirror, the shape of my stomach has changed. On the sides there are these massive… indents? I don’t know how to describe them… but I do know that there was a time not too long ago that my belly extended from one side of my body to the other. Now it seems to be pushed in on the sides… except that is not right, because if it was pushed in, then it would extend out further. Imagine taking a balloon in your hands and squeezing it. The volume of the balloon does not change, only the distribution of it, right? That is not what is happening with my belly. It is pushed in on the side, but it is not pushing out. That has to be a huge non-scale victory, as well as an indicator of a couple of things: the first is that I am absolutely losing weight at a tremendous rate… and really, I have now lost over 125 pounds, so there is no denying that. The second is that I am beginning to see the sagging skin that I wrote about last week. When all this is over I will need to have surgery to have excess skin removed, or else I will look like… what? I don’t know, but I cannot imagine going through the rest of my life with all of that excess skin hanging down. I know! I would look like a child wearing an adult costume… or more accurately, a slim man wearing a fat man’s suit. Only, the suit would be made of skin and not wool or silk. There will be more than one consequence to my years of obesity. One of the prices I will pay for that, and for no longer being that, is that I will have to go under the knife to have that excess skin removed. Once I do that, I cannot imagine I would ever want to gain weight again. The thought of it just disgusts me.

    A couple of days ago Leslie mentioned that she did not like the idea of my having weight loss surgery, be it Roux-en-Y, or any of the other options… but that she would support me if I felt I needed it. I told her that I do not want that… but I appreciate her willingness to support me. I also told her that when I am there, I will explain to her why I do not want to have the surgery, which is not a fear of going under the knife, but much more than that… and more than I want to explain over a video chat or by text. I have given a lot of thought to it, especially since I was originally scheduled to have it in 2015 and was ultimately rejected from the program for reasons I will explain to her in person. I had not given it much thought of late, until October, when my diet buddy told me that she was going to do it. I do not know how much of it I have ever really discussed with anyone, so I am glad that I have had a few days to think about how to explain myself to Leslie. She is, after all, my wife. She is the one person from whom I do not want to keep any secrets, much less my thinking on weight loss, of which she has been so supportive over the past thirteen months.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. I am getting up to head to the airport in 42-hours, and this is just not the time to fall off the program. Thursday evening Leslie and I will get dressed up and we will go out for our sushi dinner, and I will have my first meal since the great nachos and salsa incident. If I can wait until then, I can enjoy that meal without guilt, indulging in the deliciously prepared raw fish on rice. If I were to break down now, then there would be little special about the meal itself, although being with Leslie would be enough special to make up for it. No, I should be sharing my first meal in nearly a month with her, and not on any tempting cheats that might present themselves between now and then. Stay on track, stay mindful, stay focused; if I do that, it is entirely possible that when I arrive in Dallas, I will weigh a full twenty pounds less than when I left.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 409

    What a difference a day makes. Yesterday afternoon during my lunch break I sat outside on the balcony smoking a cigar and chatting with my wife. This morning I looked outside and there was nearly a foot of new snow on the ground. What a difference a day makes on the bathroom scale? I would have liked to get down back into best-weight-yet territory, but that was not on the cards for this morning. Yes, I dropped .8 lb. which takes me back to where I was Monday, but that is nearly half a pound from best weight, and nearly two full pounds from dropping below 270 lbs., which I have had as my goal for Thursday. What just a few days ago looked to be an easy lock is now back in the possible, but not certain column. I also want to maintain my pace of losing at least three kilos between doctors’ visits, my next appointment being Wednesday. Today I am down barely 1.5kg from my last appointment. I would say that I just have to redouble my efforts, but really there is nothing left that I can cut out of my diet. I would love to go for a jog, but we got 20cm of fresh snow yesterday evening. I am not sure if I will go out for anything today. We’ll see. Hopefully by tomorrow the roads will be clear and if I cannot jog then at least I will dig my car out and go to the gym.

    I was relieved to be able to move my bowels yesterday afternoon without any pain or discomfort. I am truly glad I started taking the fibre. It was not as productive as my previous attempts this week, but that is partly because it was not several days between tries. This morning I felt like I might but was unsuccessful. Okay, with zero solid foods, that is to be expected.

    My daytime class ended yesterday, and the student evaluations were perfect for the instructor category, which is always nice to see. If nothing else, it ensures that the training company will be eager to continue hiring me. Strong evaluations are the currency that keep trainers like me in business. When they are happy with me then I can continue to afford the necessities in life… child support, rent, trips to see my beautiful wife, and cigars. Oh… and dog food. I think I might do well to pick up a new bag of that before my flight Thursday. I do not want to leave that responsibility up to Sue, who is so wonderful as it is.

    After initially writing that I was unsuccessful, I took a break from writing to visit the latrine and was extremely successful. Equally important is that it was not painful. I am glad that I am taking the fibre, and that it is helping. I am not sure that it is not a contributing factor to my stalled progress on the weight loss journey, but the painful strain of the bathroom is not something that I want to endure unnecessarily. Also, hopefully I am now back on track. I hope to continue to downward weight trend this week. It would be disappointing only to myself if I were to fly to Dallas without dropping below 270 lbs., but that is a goal that I set, and I would like to achieve it. As of this morning, I weigh 16 lbs. less than I did the day I left Dallas on February 1. If I can edge that up by a couple more pounds, I will be extremely happy. I would have liked for that number to be an even twenty-pound loss in my absence, but though it might seem longer, that is only a five-week period… and that would be a lot.

    With the drop this morning, my BMI once again drops below 35, hopefully for the last time. I am sick and tired of this yoyo between obesity classes. I want to be on the road to overweight, and not straddling this line. Argh!

    My diet buddy is coming over for coffee this morning so I will be able to talk with her about my frustrations. She will definitely understand. This will be our first meeting since early January at which I will not be excited about a tremendous weight drop. I am almost exactly where I was when we met last weekend, and that is frustrating. That is why we have diet buddies… to share the good, but also to support each other through the bad. I do not know if my frustration with a plateau is really a bad, but it is not a good. Oh well.

    My plans for today are to try to stay on track. There is a slight chance that I will drive up to Milton for a cigar, but I do not think that will happen. I will stay close to home and just relax. It was a very long and stressful week, and I could really use the time to decompress. If it is not too windy then this afternoon, I will likely have a cigar on the balcony if I do not drive up to Milton. The important thing is that I stay on track with my program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 406

    When I wrote my article yesterday, I was full of crap. I mentioned that I had not had a successful bowel movement since Saturday, and that might have been a contributing factor to my weight gain. When I excused my class for lunch I went for a try. As painful as it was is also how productive it was. Frankly, I was surprised by the output. How is it that I have not eaten any solid foods in nearly three weeks, and yet that much solid waste is coming out of me? I am hoping that it is because the obesity is leaving my body. Seeing that weight gain yesterday morning was bad enough, but the psychology of jumping back into the Obesity Class II category, however briefly, was a hit to my ego.

    After my bowel movement, and then after I had my midday meal replacement, I decided that I have three possible plans for my evening after class, and the more things that I plan, the less likely I would accomplish them all. I decided to run out to the pharmacy to pick up a fibre supplement, and then next door to the supermarket to pick up a quart of I-Can-Absolutely-Believe-It’s-Not-Milk. I did not go to Fortino’s because it is farther away, and I knew that I only had a limited time to get there and back. I pulled into the shopping centre on the corner and went into both stores for a single purchase at each one. In both I found myself in line behind people who were obviously not pressed for time, but I held my peace, waited my turn, and was back in front of my computer precisely one minute before it was time to resume my class. I added a teaspoon of fibre to my early evening meal replacement and starting today (and going forward) I will add a teaspoon to my morning meal replacement shake every day. I do not think I will need more than that, but I certainly know I needed something. After all, there is no reason to suffer pain and discomfort unnecessarily.

    At the end of my class, I got my jogging kit on. Before I set out on my run, I took HRF Princess Sophie for a quick walk. She had been waiting patiently, but in the last twenty minutes of my class she was quite clear about needing to go out. She took care of her business, and then as if she knew, she guided me back into the building. I set her up with a nice treat, and then made my way down.

    • Distance: 3.5 km (7.08km)
    • Duration: 29:02 (1:01:29)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m17s (8m41s)
    • Steps: 4,400
    • Calories burned: 451
    • Elevation gain: 27m
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 152

    This was my jog. I did reset my devices to record my progress on the return walk (which was exactly 3km), but those stats are not worth noting. For anyone who might ask, the reason I stopped jogging was not that I was in pain, rather I was stuck at a red light, and there was quite a bit of ice and snow ahead. Looking down at my devices, I was going to pause the trek; seeing that both my devices were at exactly 3.5km, I decided to pull up and walk the rest of the way. It was colder today than it was Sunday, and with the darkness that had fallen before I even set out, I decided to play it safe. Yes, the temperatures had been above zero most of the day… but when the sun goes down, it is a quick transition for the dampness on the ground to turn to ice. It would not do for me to turn an ankle and hurt myself… certainly not when I have been doing so well; not knowing that I am off to Dallas in eight and a half days.

    I took a quick shower before selecting a Davidoff Yamasa Toro cigar to enjoy on my Rectangle-Zone date with my beautiful wife, who had selected a Davidoff Millennium cigar for herself. In eight days, we will be together again, and it will be wonderful. For now, we have to settle for the damned rectangle zone. The physical distance that separates us is becoming more and more difficult to contend with. As silly or juvenile as it might seem, I truly am counting down the hours until we are together again. Rounding up, we are at 193. How cruel the universe can be in conspiring to keep us apart for so long? How amazing karma was for bringing us together, despite no geographic commonality. We will get through this, and we will one day be able to live happily ever after together.

    As we were talking last night, Leslie asked if she could tell me about a non-scale victory that she had noticed during my last visit but was unsure how to bring up delicately. As I do, she has a balcony on which we sit to enjoy cigars. It has a plastic floor cover that she added when she moved in. The first few times I had visited her, she noticed that under my chair, there were indents from my weight on the plastic. When I was there in January, there was no such indent. Hooray! I’ll take every victory that I can, thank you very much!

    I mentioned earlier in this entry that I had three things planned for yesterday evening. I actually accomplished all of them! I picked up fibre as well as faux milk. I went for a jog, despite the cold and dark that might have been a good excuse for skipping it. I had a cigar date with my wife. True, I did one of those at lunch, but the important thing is that I accomplished them all. After I told Leslie about my digestive issues she asked if I had bought the fibre and was glad that I told her I had. She was probably not as happy as I was though… the passing was quite sharp!

    Her Floofness has a spa appointment today which means I have to plan my class breaks around dropping her off and then collecting her. The spa does not have facilities to keep her longer than her appointment, and the one time that I could not collect her on time, I heard about it. I know I can massage the timing of recess and lunch, as well as assign lab work to ensure I am not too rushed. Knowing that I have to get there and back quickly will negate any temptation to stop off and pick up anything to cheat with. This morning saw the numbers on the bathroom scale down again, back into best-weight-yet territory, as well as back into the Obesity Class I category. I am now 11.4 lbs. from my best weight from 2020, and 16.8 lbs. from my best post-Army weight ever. More important for the immediate, I am back below my best weight from 2017. I was somewhat distraught yesterday morning to see that I had kicked back above that mark, in addition to the Obesity Class II. Thank goodness it was only for one day, and I am back on track. With my jog, as well as my bowl movement, I was hoping for a little more; I will be satisfied with what I have. I told Leslie last night that I would like to lose at least 3kg from last Wednesday to my next doctor’s appointment next Wednesday. That should not be too difficult, but if I can manage to drop 3.5 lbs. between now and then (a reasonable weight drop for a week on this program) then that fortnightly weight drop might be closer to 4kg. The things I think about as I look at my spreadsheets over my first cup of coffee…

    So once again, my plan for the day is to stay on track. If I can stay true to the program for the next eight days, then there is a very good chance that I will achieve my next short-term goal, to arrive in Dallas under 270 lbs. Last night I was speaking with Leslie, and I told her how wonderful it would be to go to the tailor Thursday evening under 270 lbs., but that is not likely to happen. A 1.8 lb. drop from today into tomorrow is unrealistic to expect. With that said, on February 2nd (and then again on February 13th) I set the goal for tomorrow to be under 280 lbs. by tomorrow. It was not until February 15th that I stretched that goal, hoping to get under 275 lbs. by tomorrow. I achieved both of those. On that day just two weeks ago I also stretched my goal for my Dallas trip to 270 lbs. (down from an original goal of 275 lbs.), and unless something drastic happens, I will absolutely achieve that. Would it have been nice to be able to move those two goalposts downward by another five pounds? Sure… but I am on a long-distance marathon, and not a sprint. I have discussed many times the importance of setting short-term goals and trying to meet and even beat my own expectations. So far, I have met every milestone goal that I have set for myself. I doubt I have met every timed goal, but I have done my best… and certainly since I kicked my program into high gear in January, I have been hugely successful. I am 29.2 lbs. down since starting the full-fast program on January 11… and that includes an eight-day hiatus from it during my trip to Dallas. That is over four pounds per week! In that time, I have also started jogging, which was another long-term goal of mine. I may not be anywhere near ready to run a marathon, but that too might happen if I stay on track! What is the lesson learned from this? Setting short-term goals for myself results in long-term successes… as long as I stay patient and stay focused.

    With that, my plan for the day is to stay on track with my food intake, to teach for the next twelve hours, and to wake up tomorrow morning to another slight drop on the bathroom scale. There are days when I forget that a lot of those slight drops will amount to huge drops over time. As of today, that drop from Day 1 is over one hundred and twenty pounds.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 330

    After another mostly good day on the program yesterday, I was secretly hoping that the bathroom scale would have me back into best-weight-ever territory. I had to settle for a .6 lbs. drop to tie my previous best, which was back over a month ago (November 11). Hopefully I can register another cheat-free day today (I actually did cheat yesterday because I was running late leaving Eduardo’s place and heading to the gym). Yes, that means I worked out (with my personal trainer, as well as a couple of kilometres on the treadmill).

    I am still trying to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022. I said yesterday that when you shoot for the stars, if you fall short then you can still hit the moon. Leaving aside for the moment the myriad other celestial bodies between here and there, I have almost ignored that between where I am now and that one-hundred-pound mark there is another major milestone. Even if I do not achieve that one in 2022, I really want to get below the three hundred pounds mark; I am only three pounds shy of that right now, and I have sixteen days to achieve it. Absent other factors, I might be planning a steak dinner celebration for dropping below that mark. Not this time, folks… not with there being only five pounds between that milestone, and the one-hundred-pounds-lost milestone. I may be refocusing my immediate short-term goals on the 300-pounds, but I am not forgetting that losing one hundred pounds in the calendar year is still an achievable goal… and would be that much harder if I were to indulge. A few weeks ago, I had plenty of leeway to veer from the program and still achieve these two goals. Right now, with just over two weeks left in the calendar year, I have zero room for mistakes.

    With my new mattress in place, I should mention another non-scale victory that I have noticed over the last month or so, and not just today. Even when I was twenty pounds heavier, if I would sit on the end of my bed, it would pop the back of the bed up. With the design of the bedframe, the front wheels (which are a couple of feet behind the front) would act as a fulcrum, and my excessive weight would force the front of the bed down. That is not happening anymore, and I am happy for that. I can now sit on the front to put my socks and shoes on, which might in a small way prevent a recurrence of the damage that necessitated replacing the mattress in the first place. After all, it was not my lying in the middle of the bed that damaged the sides.

    The weather today is horrible. Freezing rain for the morning, then snow… lots of it. I would like to stay home and not even walk outside for a minute, but at the same time I feel my throat is bothering me a little, and knowing that I have to teach this evening, I really should stock up on lozenges. I might bite the bullet and run out to the pharmacy before it gets too bad. As it stands, Princess Sophie has now twice stood in the frame of the front door, looked at the weather, and refused to go outside. Fortunately, her bladder is as strong as her resolve, and has never had an accident yet (when she was not sick). Now the question of the day is simple: To go to the druggist, or to suffer through this evening with no lozenges. Stay tuned.

    Because I was running late yesterday (the traffic from Eduardo’s to the gym was lousy) I did not get to do as much pre-workout warming up/stretching as I would have liked. Fortunately, at my age it is clear that things that I once took for granted can now be considered exercise. These include the getting up from a seated position without using my hands, and the getting into and out of the car stretches. Yes, I am feeling my age these days. The workout yesterday was not painful, but some of the exercises reminded me that I am middle aged, overweight, and out of shape. I am working on all of that… or at least on two out of three. I am not sure what I can do to not be middle aged anymore.

    I have my weekly check-in with my diet buddy this afternoon. The only thing I can say that is better than last week is that my weight is down. My mood and situation have not improved much, and if anything, things are worse now than they were then. I know I should not be so affected by outside factors, but it is hard. I am trying to stay positive, hoping that the current situation is just temporary, and that things will get better. I hope that things will get better. I am praying that things will get better. Most importantly, I am trying to work on bettering myself so that things have a better chance of getting better.

    Okay, I should not put it off any longer, as the driving conditions are not getting any better between now and class time. I’ll venture out, praising my snow tyres the whole time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 306

    The doctor at the clinic suspects my knee injury is actually an inflammation of gout. While I did not know that gout could manifest off the foot, this is amazing news. It means that with the right meds, I’ll be right as rain in a couple of days. I already woke up this morning in significantly less pain than the last week! I do confess though that I think it is part of getting old… I am hurting, and for no good reason.

    I am eating regularly this week, although I will be very careful. I want to enjoy my week with Leslie, and once she is gone I will go back to starving myself and the gruelling exercise routine. I deserve a break… but I will not go nuts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Self Love

    Several months ago – either before or shortly after I started my weight loss program – I was speaking with my girlfriend (now my wife) and I told her that I hated myself. I told her that when I looked in the mirror, when I put on a 3XL shirt that was tight or did not even fit, when I could hardly walk my dog three blocks without needing to lie down when we got home, I was completely disgusted by myself. This upset her, and she told me that I needed to work on loving myself. It was obviously a much deeper conversation than that, but if I were to ask her if that was an accurate synopsis of the conversation, she would accept that it was.

    I started my weight loss program on January 20th. As I write this, it is 9:30pm on Sunday, October 23… two hundred and seventy-seven days later. I do not know for certain what I weighed that day because my bathroom scale is not accurate in that range, and the scale at my doctor’s office maxed out at 350lbs. I estimate I weighed 395lbs, and that is the number I am using for my progress benchmarks.

    Today, ten months and three days into the program, I look back on a lot of successes, and a lot of failures. I have had weeks when I was nearly perfect on my program, but I have had a lot more cheat meals and cheat days than I care to admit. I know that had I stuck to the program religiously, I would be a lot slimmer today than I am. I also know that had I given up on the program, I would be back to where I was. I never want to be there again.

    Leslie has done a tremendous job of encouraging me along the way. While she has told me that she would always love me (and I believe it), she also knows how important my weight loss is for me… and that if I did not (and do not continue to) lose weight, the long life we want to have together would be much shorter. When I write in my journal that I am having a bad time of the program, she asks if she needs to kick my ass. She is very encouraging of every new challenge, and every milestone I hit.

    The question came to mind earlier this evening: Do I love myself yet? I suppose the better question would be: am I still disgusted by what I see?

    Knowing all of my failures and cheats, let’s review my progress so far:

    • Lost ~85lbs
    • Down from a tight 3XL to a loose 2XL golf shirt
    • Able to out-walk my dog… and have in the last month been able to walk 15km in a day
    • Eating significantly less… and making better choices
    • Intimate performance has greatly improved
    • My belly does not hang out of any of my shirts
    • Jackets that I could not come close to closing at the beginning fit perfectly… and while I am not yet ready to wear my custom-tailored suits from five years ago, the jacket is now a tight but wearable fit

    I could list many more improvements, but I think the most telling is a story that happened just two weeks ago. Leslie and I went out for Mexican food on the penultimate night of my latest trip to Dallas. When I came back to the table from the washroom, I told her that I looked in the mirror and saw a much slimmer man than I was expecting… I was used to seeing a morbidly obese man looking back at me. Now? I’m still fat, but I am looking better.

    I still do not love my body. It is hard to explain, but despite how long it might take me to stop being fat, I suspect that psychologically it will take much longer to stop thinking that I am fat. I like myself better than I did ten months ago, but I have a long way to go before I love my body again… if I ever did. Long before I was actually fat, I was taught by my mother to hate my body. It did not matter that I played high school and college basketball; it did not matter that I served (with distinction) in the Army. I was taught that I needed to lose weight… which meant that I was fat.

    The psychology of weight loss is complex. I do not know if I will ever look at myself and be happy with my body. There is so much discussion of how women have been taught to be ashamed of their bodies, but with men it is much less out in the open. I think that at a certain point, I am going to realize that I cannot do it alone, and I will need to speak with someone. Leslie is wonderful but I think that anyone with a history like mine would need professional guidance to feeling good about myself.

    To be clear, I feel much better about myself today than I did a year ago, or even six months ago. Better is not Good. I need to learn to feel good about myself. When will that happen? I don’t know. It would be nice to fit into my Army uniform, but will that do it? I don’t know. I only know that I am on a journey, and it is a difficult one. I have come so far… but I have so far to go. That is not only around my waist, but in my head. I thank G-d daily that I have such a helpful partner. Now if only I could be a better me.

  • Day 184

    I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I was going to open today’s article with the words ‘Anyone who has ever set out to lose a lot of weight will tell you…’ As I look in the rearview mirror of my life, I remember too many times that I have gotten in trouble for speaking out of turn, for saying ‘All people this’ or ‘All kids that’ or whatever it is. I am trying (against the very nature of every fibre of my being) to be more humble.

    I can tell you that every time that I have set out to lose a lot of weight that milestones are huge. They are the goals we set for ourselves to continue to strive for. Long term goals are great: Hey, I plan to lose 150-pounds. It is the short-term goals – those milestones that are more easily reachable in the incremented short term – that encourage us to keep going.

    I have always looked at the following milestones as the bellwethers of my success. The first is the Decades. When I drop below a multiple of 10, it is an achievement for me. ‘Hey, I dropped from 350.2 lbs to 349.9 lbs!’ That might not seem significant, as it is only a drop of less than half a pound. However, it is the cumulative result of losing the ten pounds it took to get from 360-pounds to below 350-pounds.

    Of course, I also look at how my clothes fit as a bellwether of progress, but it is being able to fit into a shirt or a pair of pants or whatever that previously had not fit that I see as the significant milestones. As an example: a couple of days ago, I wore a tank top on my fitness walk that I had not been able to fit into for two years. Yes, it was tight, and yes, it did not completely cover my belly… but I was able to wear it comfortably. That is a milestone. Over the next few weeks, that shirt will start to grow; first it will cover my belly, then it will stop being so tight. That is definitely a non-scale victory… but it is not a milestone.

    I have several tubs of clothing, along with quite a bit hanging in my closet, that do not currently fit. Most of them are sorted into various sizes, and every so often I pull something out that had not previously fit to see if it does yet. While I have myriad polo shirts and things that I am looking forward to being able to wear again, the next huge clothes goal is to be able to wear the custom-tailored suits and shirts that I had made for me in 2017, when I was at my lowest weight. I was able to wear them for a few months in 2020 again – I wore them to the High Holidays services – but it has been nearly two years since. I am looking forward to wearing them again.

    It will come as no shock that I wrote about milestones this morning because I achieved one. I dropped into a new decade – one that I have not been in since falling from it in April, 2021 – the week my father passed away. It has been fifteen months since my weight registered below 330-pounds, and this morning it did. Of course, owing to the instability of my floors, I am still unsure if that measurement is accurate or not. All I know is that I have been following the plan, and am not suspicious of losing six pounds in five days… at least, not since my dramatic change to my single-meal plan.

    Yesterday was my third straight day of following the new meal plan perfectly. I had three meal replacement shakes (at or about 9am, 6pm, and 10pm), and one very healthy meal when I got back from my walk, probably around 2pm. When I say healthy meal, I mean in both respects: It was protein (chicken) and salad… but I am also aware that I am still eating larger portions than I probably should. Just as I adjusted my regimen this week (shifting from two meals and two shakes to one meal and three shakes), I know that my next step – when I plateau and am not losing weight anymore – will be to reduce the size of that meal. That will be an important step for my long-term success, because I will need to start simply eating less, especially if I want my stomach to shrink and eventually require (and desire) less food.

    So why, you might ask, don’t I just do it now? My simple answer is that you take one step at a time. While there is a school of thought that diving in is better (as most weight loss clinics start you on four meal replacements per day, often dropping you from 2500-3500 calories per day to 900 calories per day from Tuesday to Wednesday), I have done this three times… each time I was extremely successful in the short term, and a complete failure in the long term. So yes, I am doing my progression gradually, and will make the necessary changes as I see fit.

    While I woke up today feeling the aches in my feet, I am still planning on going for a fitness walk. I have a meeting at 11:00am, and after that I am going to look at a map of my neighbourhood and see what paths there are that might be more interesting than the roads I have been walking. It might also help if I plan out a shorter walk, rather than just setting out and realizing when I am two kilometres from home that my tanks are nearly empty.

    For those who are worried, no I will not overdo it, and no, I will not ‘kill myself.’ If I only exercise on the days when nothing hurts, then I will never exercise. If, on the other hand, I accept that aches and pains are part of my struggle, then I will be able to overcome them.

    In the Army we were taught that the difference between a pain and an injury was huge – it was the difference between going on and overcoming obstacles, and getting a bet or a gimel – essentially a day (or two or three) of bed rest, either in the infirmary or at home. Of course, in unit training it also meant dropping out of the unit. In my case, if I was injured, I would stop… but I am not, I am just feeling achy. That is what you get when you are morbidly obese, and are working toward slim and sleek.

    One thing I know, before I set out on my fitness walk, I will be choosing the right shoes. I have several pair of running shoes, and some of them (like the ones I selected yesterday) have hundreds of miles on them, and are no longer suitable for long walks. I am not taking any chances today, I am going to the top-tier shoes… my newest pair of Adidas (gifted to me by the lovely and generous Leslie).

    —

    Several times over the past couple months, Leslie has pointed out that she can see and feel a noticeable difference in the size of my belly and my dreaded man-boobs. I have felt it too… and while it does not yet feel great, it certainly feels like I have made great progress.

    On my computer desktop I have two pictures of me called MDG-Before-1 and -2 which were taken Thursday, January 20th… otherwise known as Day 1. While I still look in the mirror and see a fat man, there is no denying the tremendous progress that I have made in these six months. I am not half the man I was… but I am certainly much smaller than I was. Losing sixty pounds is no joke!

    I write this because this morning I noticed something… when I lift my belly, when I lift my man-boobs, they feel huge… yet significantly smaller than they were. I remember what it was like in December and January, and I know that I have come a long way since then. I want to keep going, but there is only one person who can make that happen. It is my intention to keep making it happen, day by day. As with overcoming any addiction, I have to do it one day at a time. I cannot simply say ‘I will never…’ I have to tell myself every morning: ‘Today I will stick to the program. I will not cheat. I will exercise. I will stick to it. I will go to bed with the knowledge that I got through today without falling off the wagon.’

    Like alcoholics and Valerie Bettinelli like to say, it’s one day at a time.

    Have a great day, folks!

  • Day 158

    We had a Bonney day today! Last evening we went for sushi, and it was really delicious. We then went to Cigars International, where it was packed! We met another couple who were on their third date, and when they heard we were celebrating they bought us drinks and cigars. We really enjoyed our time with them!

    This morning we had the leftover breakfast from yesterday. We did not eat badly today, and I am hoping that tomorrow the scale is nicer to me. As it is, I am up four pounds in two days.

    With regard to that number, I should mention that I have been a tad backed up these three days, and that is likely a huge contributing factor to my weight gain. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 157

    I just failed my renewal assessment for one of my certifications. It is for a technology that I use, but I do not use most of the features. I will have to re-take the certification exam at some point in the future, but it is not something that I am particularly worried about.

    Last night was great. Leslie and I had dinner and drinks with a close friend of hers, and it is so good to get to know him. Leslie has met a few of my friends, but he is the first friend that I met.

    Let’s get this out of the way… my weight was up this morning. Yes, we ate and drank yesterday, and that might be a contributing factor; however, I suspect it is because I did not poop yesterday, and today I only had a small one. Tomorrow will be better! Well… I hope.

    Leslie and I went to an Asian shopping district today. She and I both share a love for Japanese (and other Asian) confectionaries, both of us having lived (briefly) in Japan. We picked up some great snacks, although we only had a very small bite of one. We also picked up Japanese doughnuts, and we had one after lunch. Oh my lord they are good! I am glad we did not buy more. I am really glad that Leslie reminds me when I seem about to fall off the diet cliff!

    I did not walk today, but we did sit in the pool for a couple of hours. This evening we are going for sushi, and I will not go overboard.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 152

    Covid sucks. That is all.