Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 587

    We are down to eight. There were days between May 22-30 that I weighed less than I do this morning. It is exciting to realize that I am less than 3 lbs. from my best weight ever! This despite the fact that I was weak yesterday and I stopped into the store to buy a handful of peanuts. I will try to do better today.

    This morning was the first time in a few weeks when I was able to move my bowels before weighing myself rather than after breakfast. I know that it is a weird thing to get excited about, but it is real. I met with a diet buddy for coffee yesterday (and to buy more meal replacements). He is not on the same program as I am (he tried it and it was not for him) but he is doing a keto diet, which is what I suspect I will end up doing once I transition off my program. He spent a bit of time discussing the differences in his bowel movements since switching his diet (in a little too much detail, but that’s easily forgiven). If you think about it, what comes out of our body (and how it comes out) is directly related to what goes into it; that being the case, it would therefore be impossible to make a severe switch your diet without seeing a severe change in that. While I am not comfortable discussing poop it is nonetheless relevant to the point of this journal.

    I did something to my knee last night, and I am going to have to pay attention to it these next few days to make sure it is not something I need to have checked out. I do not know what I did, but when I came into the house from the balcony, I realized there was something going on. I got up in the night to put Her Floofness onto the bed and realized that it was still an issue. Before I got out of bed this morning, I was conscious of it and told myself to be careful… and there was no problem. That is, until I took the Floof for her walk. Oh the walk was fine… it was the stairs leading to the walk that reminded me that I am not 100% right now. If there was a chance that I was going to resume my exercise regimen today it is my knee that is telling me that I am better off resuming my studying today. I took the day off from studying yesterday and will resume today.

    I was sitting on the balcony yesterday evening enjoying my pipe when the weather turned. It had been a bit breezy all evening, but suddenly I was getting wet, and the ashes from my ashtray were blowing in my face. I scrambled to get into the house and am relieved that none of my technology got wet – I had both my phone and my iPad in places they could have gotten damaged.

    Okay, it is time for me to get moving. I will stay on track today. I will not cheat. Tomorrow morning I am going to the doctor, and I plan to be much lighter than I was at my last weigh-in… hopefully seven kilos lighter. I cannot hope for that if I do not stay on track today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 580

    Just a few days ago I was counselling Leslie about how to handle something; I told her that one of the dangers of cheating is getting onto the scale the next morning and realizing that cheating did not impede your progress. Seeing that it becomes easy to justify those little cheats in your mind… and little cheats have a tendency to morph into large cheats. I was reminded of the conversation this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I know that I cheated yesterday, eating more peanuts than even my regular cheats might have allowed for. I was disgusted with myself all evening and was resigned to the fact that my weight would be up this morning. In fact it was down nearly a full pound. I am not going to let this become a habit of indulging in large cheats. I am going to take it as a reprieve only.

    I reached out to someone I have not spoken to in a few years this morning. During the conversation he told me that he is a regular reader of my weight loss blog and congratulated me on my hard work and success. I was shocked. I did not realize that anyone read it on a regular basis. It warmed my heart and brought a tear to my eye. Hopefully one day I can inspire others on the same path.

    Leslie is flying in this evening! I am so excited, but I have to get through the class I am sitting through during the day, and the class I am teaching this evening. Once that is done, I can head out to the airport. Yay! We are both so excited! This will be our least expensive visit to date only because we are both on our very strict diet programs and so we will not be eating out. That is not a concern of mine, it is just something I thought about.

    While the forecast this morning called for rain only until 9:00am it is still raining outside my window. That forecast has been amended predicting rain through 1:00pm or so. Of course I am not sure how accurate that is as meteorologists were put on this earth to make psychics look good. Still and all, if it is not windy, I might take my afternoon class on the balcony, nonetheless. The definite advantage is that the sun will not make it difficult to see the screen. We will see how I feel after the lunch break, which is now. On that subject, I am going to try to make it through to 12:30pm before preparing my meal replacement, which would then position me well to have my next one at 5:00pm and then at 9:15pm – one before my class, and the other after my class and before I drive to the airport to pick up my wife. The best laid plans of mice, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 576

    I cannot seem to get back on track. At least it is not as bad as it could be, but I am still unable to get through the afternoon without preparing a second omelette for myself. I will try to do better today, but it is Saturday… weekends tend to be challenging because I do not have a lot going on. I am going to try even harder. In fact, I do have something going on today… my buddy invited me over for a cigar in the afternoon. It is a lovely day outside and I am looking forward to seeing him and his wife. I saw him earlier in the week, but I have not seen her since June.

    My wife surprised me last night. She is coming to see me this coming week! It was a surprise, but a very welcome one. I had not been doing a lot of smiling the previous few days; since she told me I have hardly stopped smiling! We had a great chat last night, and while I was concerned that I might not be able to sleep from the excitement I was truly exhausted and got six hours of very deep sleep. Yes, only six hours… My eyes popped open early, and I was not getting back to sleep no matter how I tried.

    While I had a second omelette yesterday, my weight was still down slightly this morning. Hopefully I can continue to lose weight over the next few days. I had said just a few days ago how exciting it would be if I could be at my best weight ever when I next saw Leslie. There is no good way for me to lose nine pounds in five days but at least I have not completely fallen off the program. Indeed, if my weight stays exactly where it was this morning then I will be ten pounds lighter than the last time she saw me!

    I got up early this morning and so while I have spent a bit of time futzing about, I am nevertheless ready to go… and it is only 10:45am. I invited the neighbour doggo for a playdate with her Royal Floofness, and they are having a grand old time. I am not going to head out to my friends’ place until 1:00pm or so I think I will sit on the balcony with a breakfast cigar and the last of my coffee. It will be a relaxing morning. I have no plans to veer from the program today… but then, I never do. I just have to stay strong and get through it without anything extra.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 575

    I was terrible yesterday… or at least I cheated and had to pay the price for it this morning. I could not ignore my hunger in the late afternoon, and I went down to my car to get the rest of the peanuts I had purchased the previous day. I left them in the car for precisely the reason that I did not want them around me; they may have been out of sight, but they were not out of mind. They did not satisfy me, so I prepared for myself another omelette.

    I told Leslie later on that I was disgusted with myself. How is it that I can have such utter lack of discipline and control? Yes, there are a number of things in the house that would have been worse for me, but I have to be able to focus and stay on course. She did her best to cheer me up, but I went to bed angry with myself.

    I woke up this morning another .4 lbs. heavier than I was yesterday morning.

    I am going the wrong way. I need to focus, stay mindful, and fight these cravings! I need to remember that the brief satisfaction will lead to emotional distress, not to mention the fact that it is no way to lose weight.

    I will try to do better today. I will do better today.

  • Day 574

    It’s not fair. Yes, I cheated yesterday. I had a few peanuts, as well as replacing my afternoon meal replacement with another omelette. My body’s punishment to me was nearly a full pound weight gain. That is not only excessive, but it is also cruel and unusual. There is no reason I should have gained that much weight for an omelette.

    My buddy came over yesterday for a cigar and we had a nice time. It is always great to see good friends. I wish I was not so tired though… I had not been sleeping well the previous nights, and I felt I might fall asleep as we were smoking. Fortunately I got a decent night’s sleep last night and should be able to make it through today unscathed.

    My plans for today are simple. I have a lot of studying to do, and while the forecast calls for wind, there should be no precipitation until 9:00pm. As such, I will be doing my studying on the balcony with a cigar in my hand. Hopefully I will be able to spend some of that time chatting with my wife, but other than that I will be focusing on cloud security. Fun. I will stay on track, and I will not be preparing a second omelette today. I know now how dangerous that can be.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 570

    Wow did I fail miserably last night. I also paid the price this morning on the bathroom scale. I do not know what it is that makes me think that I can just have one chip…

    It was not just a chip. I arrived at the get together as I had planned, having just finished my second meal replacement shake of the day. The popcorn and chips that were sitting out were hardly a temptation to me, and I knew I was going to be fine. I guess I let my guard down.

    ‘Hey Mitch, I’m preparing half of this steak for Larry… do you want the other half?’ Sure, why not? After all, it’s just protein, right? Well, if I could have the steak, I might as well have the fresh in-season corn on the cob, right? There was pareve margarine on the table, so I could put that on the corn. Oh, then there are blueberries with ice cream and cake with liqueurs for dessert, but if I only have the blueberries that will be fine. I rationalized that by foregoing the potato, and the really bad desserts then would a couple of potato chips really hurt? And a handful of popcorn? I’d be fine. Twenty chips over the next little while, five handfuls of popcorn… I was feeling horrible about what I had done to myself. I texted Leslie and told her, and she reminded me that I can pick myself up and get back on track.

    I made matters worse when I stopped for gas as I left, and realizing I was 45 minutes from home (I had neglected to bring a second meal replacement), I decided to buy a bag of chips.

    Fall down seven times. Stand up eight. As I said to Leslie, I just wish that it was not factors of seven and eight. I am back on track today and am going to redouble my efforts again. I paid the price for yesterday’s failures when I stepped onto the bathroom scale to discover I had gained back a pound. This cannot happen again.

    I hope that I am back on track today. I prepared the exact same omelette for myself today as I have every day for the last week (or two). At 12:30pm, 4:30pm, and 8:30pm I will prepare my meal replacements. I will consume nothing else… save for water, my coffee, and possibly a glass of the lovely iced tea that Leslie gave me… it is sugar free, and I can sweeten it with artificial sweetener if I like. We will see how I am feeling, and what the weather is like.

    It is a beautiful day and I plan to spend most of it on the balcony. There will be several cigars, and I will divide the day between reading, watching TV, and doing some studying. What I will not be doing is cheating on my modified program. I am going to do everything I can to make sure that yesterday was a blip on the screen, and not the end of one trend and beginning of another. That slippery slope is one I am all too familiar with, and I hate knowing that I live every day knowing that the edge of that precipice is right there… behind every ‘it’s just one chip’ and so on.

    I do have one positive to write now… which I did not have when I sat down to write this entry. This morning started as Day Five on the no bowel-movements trend. Partway through the writing I finally felt the urge, and hard as it was, I was able to ‘go’ successfully. It was not painful, just strenuous. I am not sure if there is any science to this, but I feel like there was just one very solid obstruction in the way, and over the next few days or even hours I will have to go a few more times. We will see. The funny part is that as I took Her Royal Floofness on her walk this morning she had two extremely large poops; I told her that I was jealous and wished I could do the same. I do not think she is a genie who grants me wishes… but three hours later that wish did come true.

    I mentioned that Leslie is on the program now, and she has been doing extremely well with it. She did tell me yesterday that she now has a much better appreciation of how hard I have tried, and apologized to me for any time she might have inadvertently made it harder for me. I told her that I was proud of her and appreciated her apology. I told her that it is impossible to understand all of the challenges of the program without having gone through it. She then told later that I did not have to go through the program with her. When I told her how terrible I felt for having cheated she told me that I did not have to do the program just to support her through it. I told her that I want to do the program for me and having her doing it at the same time made it easier for us to support each other.

    I did not think of this yesterday, but I remember over the course of my journey there have been a few times when she essentially told me that I seemed to obsess about it and wouldn’t shut up about it. I think she now understands better why I did so. I am so happy that she is talking about it with me openly and frankly. There are so many emotional obstacles in our way, and being able to talk makes it a little easier to get through. I love her and am really happy she is succeeding. Of course, as I have been reminded all too often, the one obstacle that can ruin everything is hiding everywhere so she has to get through one day at a time. I will hold her hand (figuratively while we are separated by distance, literally when we are together) through it all, and will try to help her to succeed.

    We also discussed that it will be easier for us to support each other when we are living together full-time. It is easier to make the right choices when you are not alone… and when your partner understands your hardships and weaknesses.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 560

    I was not as successful with my plans yesterday evening as I had hoped. I stupidly bought two boxes of breakfast cereal when I went to the supermarket the other day, thinking that it could be a nice occasional morning treat that I could keep around for when I did not feel like preparing an omelette. Over the last few days I have nearly finished both boxes of it, and decided in the middle of this sentence to throw out what was left. Really, I stopped typing where I was, went to the kitchen, and poured the remainder of the box into the garbage bag.

    Other than the cereal, I ate pretty well yesterday. Unfortunately it does not take very much to throw off a good day. While my weight was only up by .2 lb. this morning, I would much rather have seen it drop by that amount (or more). I have to continue remembering that hope is not a strategy.

    For those wondering how or why I fell off yesterday, I had a lot of anxiety over something that happened during my daytime class – right at the end of class too, so it was fresh when I stood up to stretch my legs. I have to stay mindful and vigilant and not let myself go like that! I will try harder today.

    The class that I am sitting was supposed to be a 4-day class, but it was shortened to three days, which means I have tomorrow off (until I teach in the evening). Weather permitting I will go out for a jog and walk and redouble my efforts to get back on track. I will also work on my final presentation for the cigar sommelier course that I have been doing; I will be presenting it Monday, and I want to make sure I do the best job that I can!

    As for today, I am not teaching this evening… but that does not mean I have to eat. I will eat a reasonable dinner, and then after I take Her Royal Floofness for a walk, I will spend the evening on the balcony, chatting with my wife and smoking cigars. I might even pour myself a drink, depending on how I feel.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 557

    I was distressed that my travel day took such a bad toll on my weight this morning. I am back above 270 lbs. and to blame it all on the airplane is wrong. I let myself go last night, and I paid for it this morning. The worst part of it is that I had an appointment to see my doctor today which I forgot about until my phone reminded me fifteen minutes prior to the appointment. I called to say that I would be late, but I actually made it on time, and it was the doctor who made me wait.

    My blood pressure was up (but not unhealthy), and when the nurse neglected to weigh me, I did not object. I deserved the lecture that I avoided, but I know what she would have told me. I have to get back on track. Fortunately I know that with regard to exercise I have… with all of the walking that I did last week, as long as I can stay on track with that then bringing my food intake back into line would be what I need to do to get back on track.

    I came home and suited up to exercise. The temperature was nowhere near as hot as it was in Dallas (despite three people stopping me during my walk with Her Floofness this morning to comment on the heat), and I had a feeling I would be able to give it my all. I jogged three kilometres and then walked another 9km… a respectable outing by any measure. I walked into the apartment dripping with sweat, but feeling great about what I did. I have started another week off on the right foot. I even wore my new running shoes which arrived the day I flew to Dallas, and they felt great.

    I came in and put a couple of pieces of chicken on to cook before I got into the shower. I thought I had vegetables for a salad, but when I realized I only had onion I decided to put some frozen French fries into the air fryer as well. It was an unhealthy touch, but not the worst thing I could have eaten. My plan for this evening is to only have a couple of meal replacement shakes – one before my class, and one afterwards. If I am able to stick to that then I will have no reason to feel bad about what I ate today… and should expect to see at least a slight decrease on the bathroom scale tomorrow morning.

    It started to rain shortly after I got in from my exercise, but I do not think it is too bad. My plan is to enjoy a cigar on the balcony before class, and then likely one after class as well. We’ll see how I am feeling later tonight.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 549

    I did pretty well yesterday, and the bathroom scale rewarded me this morning with a 1.2 lb. drop from yesterday. With that said, I plan to be bad today (at least for lunch) and expect to give most of it back tomorrow. Leslie and I decided that we are going to share a Chicago deep-dish pizza for lunch. After that, we will go to a New Orleans style coffee house for a coffee and a beignet. The only redeeming quality of the beignet is the taste, and it is a very rare occasion indeed when I would even look at one.

    Knowing of my plans, I suspect that I will not be losing weight tomorrow… and that is okay. Now that I am no longer morbidly obese, I can take these cheat days. I plan for them and will not do it too often.

    As we discussed it last night, I mentioned that this will be the first time I will ever enjoy a Chicago pizza without meat. I have been observing the Jewish dietary laws for slightly over two years now, and I have not had opportunity to have one in that time. It will be a different experience for sure, but one that is more aligned with my beliefs that I have been getting more in touch with these last few years, and which I started observing when my father passed away. I cannot believe it has been more than two years. I had a long conversation with his partner this morning and we discussed him as we often do. We both miss him, and hope that he is sitting in the Garden of Eden looking down fondly at us. I wish he could have met Leslie.

    It is another lovely day in Dallas, and I woke up early so after showering I decided to make a cup of coffee and enjoy it with a cigar on the balcony. When Leslie wakes up I will make breakfast for us, and we will go about our day. In the meantime, I think this is the first time this month that I will publish this journal entry before noon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 546

    I do not often look at my document statistics, so I was surprised when I glanced at the bottom-left corner of my journal yesterday and saw that I am fast approaching 500,000 words. It is by far the longest document I have ever written. I have essentially written eighty percent of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Hopefully by the time the war is over I will be beyond the need to continue to lose weight. We’ll see…

    Yesterday was not a good day on my weight management program. I enjoyed the cupcake that was proffered to honour Leslie’s father’s (and her son’s grandfather) birthday, which was sad for both of them. The sadness was heightened by our knowledge that he (the son) was going back to his father’s in the evening for a week.

    As we had discussed, Leslie and I went for Chinese food after my class. The restaurant was terrible, and we will not be going back. I have to assume that the chicken deep-fried in a mixture of oil and sodium is the real reason for the shock of the bathroom scale this morning. I hope that tomorrow some of the three pounds that I was up today will be lost. If only the food had been worth it, I might not be so glum about it.

    The three of us spent some time in the pool in the afternoon which was nice.

    This evening is the Davidoff dinner that Leslie and I have been looking forward to. I do not plan to go overboard, but I will also not just eat a salad. It is being held at a very well regarded steakhouse in town, and I will have my first steak since we celebrated our wedding anniversary nearly a month ago.

    Have a great day folks!