Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 639

    I was shocked to see a nearly two-pound gain from yesterday morning! How could that happen? Answer: I was not mindful. I let myself go on a lot of different small fronts that added up to a 1.8 lbs. gain.

    Okay, I had peanuts… no big deal, right? Okay, I know I bought and ate more peanuts than I usually would, but it was not a huge deal, right? Oh… and I did not want to leave one piece of chicken over which would have to go in the garbage because I was spending the afternoon away from the house on Saturday and flying out Sunday morning; it only made sense for me to prepare it as a third meal… which of course needed a salad to go with it. Then the woman I met in the jewelry store was so excited to meet another Jew in Burlington that she insisted on giving me a fresh-baked cookie from her store for the Sabbath… and of course I had to eat it.

    Small little bottles equal one big bottle.

    Alright, I am back above the 240 lbs. mark which I have been flirting with. I will do my best to get back below it before Leslie and I drive to Houston on Wednesday. I will have to be very careful.

    I will be spending the rest of the day with buddies in Cambridge which will include dinner. I hope the dinner is early enough that I can be done eating by 6:30pm or so. In anticipation of the steak that I will be enjoying there, my lunch will be a meal replacement – my first in probably a week. I will be good today. Tomorrow morning I wake up at 3:00am to catch a very early flight, and travel days are never good for the weight loss program.

    More important than all the petty stuff: I am checked in for my flight; my suitcase is packed (although my carry-on will be later); my Uber is booked. I am ready to fly. In twenty-three hours I will be with my wife again. WOOHOO!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 634

    The bathroom scale giveth, and the bathroom scale taketh away. After a bit of a cheat day yesterday (mostly from necessity, but I will not go into that) I found my weight up nearly 3 lbs. from yesterday’s incredible best weight ever. I am not going to chalk the number up to the sodium content of what I ate (which was off the chart I am sure) because I could have declined it… or eaten somewhat less. I paid for it this morning, but I will not make a habit of it. I will do better today, and tomorrow morning I will be back under the 240 lbs. mark… even if it takes a few more days to get back to my best weight ever.

    I had a lovely lunch with my son the younger yesterday. He is growing up so nicely, and the fact that he is finally back in school (he had been homeschooled since the beginning of the pandemic) will do great things to help his development. In the meantime, I found it amazing that he is taller than the waitress at the restaurant where we ate… she has known him since we carried him in the bucket.

    My afternoon and evening was a waste of my time, except for that it allowed me to reinforce my position that I do not agree with violence, and that while I am more than happy to fight and die for my country, I will have nothing to do with vigilantism. That is not what we were taught. Someone pointed out this might be at odds with my comportment last Friday. ‘On the day that they call for worldwide violence against Jews you put in an IDF t-shirt and draped yourself in the Israeli flag. How is that different?’ The answer is simple: I would never physically attack someone for supporting Palestinians or for being an Arab. If they give me the same courtesy, then there will be no problem. If they decide that my being Israeli or even just Jewish is a call to violence, then I am not being a vigilante… I am responding to violence with the necessary force to subdue the hateful individual who attacked me. That is not hypocrisy; that is in fact showing the difference between us and them. In any event, I walked away and will continue to pursue my attempts to get back over there.

    I still find it uncomfortable to discuss certain bodily functions, especially in writing and especially in a serious piece that I will publish on my serious blog, but it is part of the process. I suspect if I had been able to weigh myself after my mid-morning bowel movement then this morning’s extreme weight gain might have been less extreme. If only I were able to comfortably do this every day, then I suspect my weight loss would be a bit quicker. I should mention that since I have started eating a second meal every day, these movements have been a bit more frequent (maybe every 2-3 days instead of at best twice weekly), and definitely less painful.

    My plans for the day include a good walk (after the morning’s weight gain, I would likely be going out to exercise in a blizzard!). It is nearly noon, so I am going to prepare my lunch before I go. I am teaching at 5:30pm so I will time my walk to be home in plenty of time to get ready. I do not know if I will be taking a cigar this afternoon but might find time to enjoy one after class. We will see how I am feeling, as well as how the weather holds up. The current forecast is for cloudy skies the rest of the day, so if the wind does not pick up, I should be okay.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 630

    The number of calls and texts I am getting from my amazing friends checking up on how I am doing through this war supporting me and telling me that they have me and my family and my country in their prayers continues to bring tears to my eyes. I just wish I could get over there to join the fight… even in a support role.

    My son the elder came over for a drink after my class yesterday evening. He won’t admit it but he is worried that I might get the call. He tried to convince me that once I tried and was denied (twice now) then I have done my duty and I should stay here and get on with my life. It is very sweet of him… even though he knows that I cannot do that. We discussed a lot of other things too, and it was good to catch up. I love him and when he opens up to me it warms my heart.

    That is not to say that his visit did not cause me some level of anxiety. That, coupled with the fact that I had bought a pre-cooked barbecue chicken earlier in the day, resulted in bad things happening on my diet. I am un 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. I will get back on track today and do better.

    I bought the chicken with the intention of trying to integrate a second meal into my day. I originally thought to buy raw chicken to cook, but the timing would not have worked so I bought the cooked one. That was a mistake. It was easy to fall off the program at 11:00pm when the chicken was right there. It would have been a very different story if I had to actually cook it.

    Yes, I am thinking about making that transition from one meal per day to two meals per day. I am going to try again today, which means I will be going to the supermarket shortly. I will not be buying anything prepared. I will buy the provisions to prepare a healthy and tasty lunch. Before I go I should make sure that I have the proper herbs and spices in the pantry… it has been a while since I have needed them!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 628

    I was not perfect yesterday on my program by any means. In addition to my morning omelette I had another omelette and a turkey drumstick throughout the day. I also had a bag of chips. Yes, I fell that hard after my class last night. I was just not thinking right. The story:

    Realizing that I had finished the eggs I had in the fridge, at the end of my evening class I looked online to see if any of the supermarkets around might be open until 10:00pm. I knew that three of them closed at 9:00pm, but I decided to take a peek. It turns out that the website for one of them (Longo’s lists them as open until 10:00pm, so after taking Her Royal Floofness for her walk I got into the car to drive up there. The parking lot was empty and the sign on the door let me know that the website (or whatever site I checked) was wrong. 9:00pm closing. Okay, all was not lost. I was only a quick 2km drive to Walmart, so I headed out there. I was nearly at the store when it dawned on me… it’s Thanksgiving Day, and none of the stores will be open. Damn. On the way home I realized that one of the small convenience stores might sell what I was looking for. For maybe the second time since I moved into the apartment (over two years ago) I stepped into one of the smaller mom and pop stores in the neighbourhood. The other time or times I have gone in would have been during a walk/jog when I needed either water or Gatorade. They had eggs… and a bag of chips which I did not need. At least I only bought the one smaller bag, and not the two bags that I indulged in twice over the weekend.

    Despite the chips my weight was way down this morning. From Saturday morning to yesterday my weight jumped a disgusting seven pounds. As I mentioned yesterday, I ate badly and made poor choices… but even with that I knew that a lot of the weight was from salty foods and would fall right off after a day. Sure enough it was down 4.2 lbs. from yesterday. On the one hand, I am 2.6 lbs. up from Saturday morning. On the other hand, that is nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. I will do my best to stay on track today, and maybe even go out for some exercise in the evening.

    I slept absolutely terribly last night. It was past 1:30am when I realized there was little chance of it happening, and so I went to my computer to do a little bit of work. I mostly did some administrative work on a computer that is usually off (and so had not checked in with my mobile device management solution since July) which needed a check-in, as well as some patch management.

    The warm weather is behind us and if I do plan to go for a walk this evening, I know that I will be wearing long pants as well as a long sleeve shirt. I have what I need, I just long for the warmer weather. I will be in Texas with my wife in a week and a half and will enjoy the warmer weather there. Oh, and I ordered three new golf shirts which should arrive there in time for me to wear. They are a Size Large! I am hoping that they fit immediately… I cannot remember the last time I bought a Size Large in anything.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 627

    I failed miserably yesterday. I will not go into the sordid details, but it started before I got to the Thanksgiving dinner and ended shortly before I went to bed. I looked at yesterday as a cheat day and maybe that was a bad idea… or maybe I needed it with all of what is going on in my head. The result? This morning I experienced the largest ever single-day weight gain I can remember. It was disappointing but predictable and deserved. When I cheat, I gain weight. Big cheats can mean big gains.

    I started writing today’s entry at 8:45am. It is now 5:52pm. Yes, it has been that busy of a day. I spent much of the day with my buddy at his in-laws house. They had a serious cybersecurity breach and I offered to go over to make sure they were safe going forward. I was hoping to be out of there within a couple of hours but honestly did not believe that would be the case. The fact that I got out after 4.5 hours having resolved every issue was a victory.

    I gained more than five pounds overnight. I suspect had I weighed myself after my second bowel movement of the day I would have lost at least two and possibly more pounds of that. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had so productive a movement. The relief was tremendous, and I do not mind that a plunger was required to unclog the toilet.

    I have not been on the program today, but I also have not been cheating like I did yesterday. The only food that I ate that was not part of my regular routine was leftover turkey. I only wish I could have gone out for a good walk today, especially since I will be teaching all day tomorrow. Maybe I will be able to go out after my class… we will see.

    Happy Canadian Thanksgiving folks! Have a great day!

  • Day 618

    I exceeded my expectations on the jog/walk yesterday. I jogged the first 2km (which is what I was hoping for) and walked another 14km. Had I not had that bag of chips last night my weight would have definitely been down this morning. As it stands, it was .2 lb. up, which is much better than it might have been.

    I have to stop making excuses that ‘Oh, I exercised like crazy today, so I deserve (or can get away with) this.’ The math has always been simple: When I follow the program, I lose weight. When I veer from the program I do not. QED.

    I am likely taking the day off from exercising today. I have a lot of work and studying to do which I should have done yesterday but did not. I am now on the balcony with a coffee and a cigar and nothing else to do but that.

    I did achieve one nice non-scale victory yesterday. In March and April I talked about the MapMyFitness.com challenge to walk/run 1,023 kilometres in the year 2023. When I first wrote about it there were a little over 130,000 participants registered, and I was happy that when I first wrote about it (Day 427) I was in the top 25%. Within a few weeks (Day 448) the number of registrants had risen to 141,000 but I had jumped into the top 18.6%. Less than a week later I was in the top 16%. This morning, with more than 205,000 participants in the contest, I am now ranked in the Top 9.85%. That puts me ahead of nearly 185,000 others. I am under no delusion that I will either crack the top 5% or win the prize (which I understand will be drawn at random of everyone who completes the 1,023kms) but none of that matters; what does matter is that I am sticking with it and that I am improving myself.

    Yes, I had a pretty bad lapse which saw me gain 25 lbs. while not doing any exercising to speak of for a few months, but I am back on track. Despite that stumble I weigh 6.1kg less than I did that first day of the challenge; I could look at that as ‘I only lost 13.5 lbs. in six months which is terrible.’ I choose instead to look at it as ‘I had a bad couple of months but have recovered and am back on track and have now lost 29 lbs. in the last 2.5 months and have lost about 150 lbs. on this journey.’

    It is equally important to recognise our successes as our failures. It is the only way that we can maintain a positive attitude. Thomas Edison once said that he did not fail 2,000 times… he simply discovered 2,000 ways how to not make a lightbulb. I am not inventing anything that will change the world… but I am following a program and a plan that will change my world (and possibly my wife’s) for the better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 616

    I continue to make progress. This morning I am 1.4 lbs. heavier than I was the morning that I left for California which means that I am within easy reach of surpassing that and stepping back into the waters of Best Weight Ever Lake. Within a few days or so I should be there again!

    I was mostly good yesterday but this morning after my dentist appointment I stopped at Bulk Barn and picked up some almonds. I have to stop doing that. While I do have a lot of work to do today, I am also planning to go out for a long jog/walk. I think I will do that when I finish writing today’s journal entry.

    This evening I have a meeting with my weight loss buddy. We did not check in last week because I was on vacation but hopefully we will be back on schedule now. I look forward to hearing how well she is doing. I was so excited last Wednesday to tell her that I had dropped below 245 lbs., and frankly after this past week I am not terribly upset to be back above that milestone; I am comforted by the fact that I am less than a whole pound above it after the week I had. Okay, I am 1.4 lbs. above my best weight ever, and on my way back down after a week of indulgences. How am I getting back on track? Eating properly (today’s almonds notwithstanding) and a whole lot of walking and jogging. That is what I need to do in order to continue to lose weight.

    It’s a lovely day out there and I am going to make the most of it. I do have a few errands I need to run but nothing too stressful. I will go out for two hours, and then when I come back I will make my phone calls and do my studying.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 608

    Aside from the debacle with the car rental agency, yesterday was a good day in all respects save one. I did not stick to my program. Here is the Cliff’s Notes version: I had my breakfast at the airport (never a good start, although I did not do too badly). On the plane I had a couple of the mini protein bars that are on offer. At the airport in Dallas I tried to buy a sandwich but failed, owing to the abject stupidity of the young lady behind the counter, and knowing that if I had not walked away I would have offended her. I planned to buy the fruit and cheese plate on the second aircraft, but it turns out they do not sell food on shorter flights. It should be noted here that their in-seat guide claims that to be under 1,100 miles, while this flight was 1,235 miles. That changes not the fact that there was no fruit and cheese platter to be had on this flight. In place of same I opted for another of the mini-protein bars. I arrived at my destination hungry, and the 90 minutes I spent fighting with Avis Rent-A-Car (who for this trip can be referred to as the ‘We have your money because you pre-paid so go fuck yourself, Inc.’) did not help. When I pulled into Robert and Cecelia’s driveway at 2:15pm I was hungry, and when they offered me a sandwich I accepted. In the evening I met my buddy David at The Stonehaus and we decided to share a pizza. We then met other friends, and before he dropped me back at the hotel we stopped at CVS and I bought late-night snacks.

    If everything else I did yesterday can be excused, the late-night snacks was a boneheaded decision on my part. I should never have done that, but it is done.

    Result: This morning my weight crept back above 245 lbs. this morning. There can be no doubt as to why, nor that I deserved it.

    I woke up this morning and went for breakfast. I had a bagel with lox and cream cheese (not a smart move, but it was also not the worst I could have done), and three cups of coffee. As I sat there watching my movie it occurred to me that just two years ago I would come to this same restaurant and order two breakfasts… and not the reasonable bagel with lox and cream cheese. This is a huge improvement to be sure.

    I returned to the hotel and changed into my exercise kit. I went out for a 12.5km walk around my old neighbourhood as well as around the lake. It felt good, and it felt great to see that my average per-kilometre pace throughout was under 9:00/km. On my last few walks I have been happy to see a couple of split kilometres under that pace, but for the entire duration? It has never been close.

    I came back from my walk and showered, and before heading out to see my friend at the Stonehaus I made a meal replacement for myself. I would rather go there on a reasonably full stomach than be tempted by… well, there are myriad temptations there.

    At 3:00pm I teach and then I will drive south toward LAX. Leslie will be here in nine hours!!!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 608

    Aside from the debacle with the car rental agency, yesterday was a good day in all respects save one. I did not stick to my program. Here is the Cliff’s Notes version: I had my breakfast at the airport (never a good start, although I did not do too badly). On the plane I had a couple of the mini protein bars that are on offer. At the airport in Dallas I tried to buy a sandwich but failed, owing to the abject stupidity of the young lady behind the counter, and knowing that if I had not walked away I would have offended her. I planned to buy the fruit and cheese plate on the second aircraft, but it turns out they do not sell food on shorter flights. It should be noted here that their in-seat guide claims that to be under 1,100 miles, while this flight was 1,235 miles. That changes not the fact that there was no fruit and cheese platter to be had on this flight. In place of same I opted for another of the mini-protein bars. I arrived at my destination hungry, and the 90 minutes I spent fighting with Avis Rent-A-Car (who for this trip can be referred to as the ‘We have your money because you pre-paid so go fuck yourself, Inc.’) did not help. When I pulled into Robert and Cecelia’s driveway at 2:15pm I was hungry, and when they offered me a sandwich I accepted. In the evening I met my buddy David at The Stonehaus and we decided to share a pizza. We then met other friends, and before he dropped me back at the hotel we stopped at CVS and I bought late-night snacks.

    If everything else I did yesterday can be excused, the late-night snacks was a boneheaded decision on my part. I should never have done that, but it is done.

    Result: This morning my weight crept back above 245 lbs. this morning. There can be no doubt as to why, nor that I deserved it.

    I woke up this morning and went for breakfast. I had a bagel with lox and cream cheese (not a smart move, but it was also not the worst I could have done), and three cups of coffee. As I sat there watching my movie it occurred to me that just two years ago I would come to this same restaurant and order two breakfasts… and not the reasonable bagel with lox and cream cheese. This is a huge improvement to be sure.

    I returned to the hotel and changed into my exercise kit. I went out for a 12.5km walk around my old neighbourhood as well as around the lake. It felt good, and it felt great to see that my average per-kilometre pace throughout was under 9:00/km. On my last few walks I have been happy to see a couple of split kilometres under that pace, but for the entire duration? It has never been close.

    I came back from my walk and showered, and before heading out to see my friend at the Stonehaus I made a meal replacement for myself. I would rather go there on a reasonably full stomach than be tempted by… well, there are myriad temptations there.

    At 3:00pm I teach and then I will drive south toward LAX. Leslie will be here in nine hours!!!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 590

    I do not know why but yesterday evening was extremely difficult for me. I was feeling weak and like I wanted to give up. I knew that I had the provisions to make any number of cheat meals after my class… pasta, tuna or salmon salad… well, maybe not a huge number, but at least a couple. I was lonely – Leslie was with her son and Princess Sophie was next door with her friend – and I sat at the kitchen table staring at my tablet. I did not even go onto the balcony to have a cigar. I just sat at the table and did something I have not done in a long time: I kept taking a piece of gum, chewing it until the newness of the flavour started to fade, and then spit it out and took a new piece. I’m sure by the time I was done I could have made a squash ball from what I had spit out.

    I might have gone through half a cup of bubble gum… but somehow, I managed to not cheat. I went to bed almost shocked that I made it through the evening without breaking my program.

    I know the days of losing multiple pounds in a day are behind me (unless I cheated for a few days, gained a lot, and then went back onto the program). Still, I confess I was hoping for a massive drop when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning. It would have felt wonderful to be able to walk over to the fridge and cross another number off. Of course this was unrealistic… I crossed off 252 only yesterday morning so expecting to drop below 250 today was just unrealistic. I did drop .4 lb., and I am satisfied with that.

    I did not get as much studying done as I had hoped, although I did finish the last of the course videos I needed to watch. I went out for a jog/walk (third day in a row) and while I really did not feel like going on, I did manage to jog the first kilometre and then walked another eleven. I needed to take a break after 7.2km so I sat down to rest at the corner of Appleby Line and Dundas… but after five minutes I forced myself to continue. I suspected my pace slackened a little, but it turns out that my overall pace was better than the previous day… even though Thursday I jogged 1.5km and yesterday only 1km.

    My class wrapped up about where I hoped it would, and we now have a break for the next week. I challenged them to see how many could pass the exam for the first section before we come back, and I suspect there will be at least a couple of takers. I look forward to hearing of their successes. I remember the day I passed my first certification exam. It was March 31, 2003. What I thought at the time to be the greatest credential – Microsoft Certified Professional – was earned by passing Exam 70-210 (Windows 2000 Professional). I went out and got business cards printed with my fancy new logo, and I walked into my office and quit my job. It changed my life. Hopefully it will have a positive (if less harsh and bumpy) effect on some of my students as well.

    I am not sure if I wrote that I successfully moved my bowels yesterday, but I did… and when I cleaned myself up, I noticed there was bright red blood on the paper. I will keep an eye on that, but the fact that it was bright red worries me much less than if it had been darker. Most likely the sharpness of the stool cut the outsides a little. If it were internal bleeding it would have been darker. Nonetheless I will make sure to add a little more fibre to my diet the next few days.

    I have to shop today. I am not happy about that and am going to do my best to get into and out of the supermarket as quickly as possible. I have enough eggs for tomorrow’s omelette, but that is it. I am also completely out of shredded cheese and am almost out of hot sauce. If one wonders if I am a creature of habit, then one need only look at my breakfast while I am on this program. It changes occasionally only in what vegetables I add to the omelette… and which hot sauce I use. Hey, it works, right? As long as I am not cheating the rest of the day then I know that this breakfast is harmless to my weight loss. Would I be losing weight quicker if I were on the strict program? It is possible… but it would be an insignificant improvement when put in the balance against the fact that I suspect it has kept me from cheating more often than I do. I started this paragraph anticipating my trip to the supermarket; I will buy eggs, shredded cheese, Cholula, Tabasco, and milk… and nothing more. I have to summon the internal fortitude to stay away from the peanuts… and every other temptation I might come across in those aisles.

    Today is the first day of our September heat wave; that is to say that the weather, which has been reminiscent of mid-autumn this past week, should turn much hotter going forward. While today’s forecast high temperature is only 25°, tomorrow that jumps to 31°, then 33° for the following few days. There is no precipitation in there anywhere. Today’s gorgeous weather will be enjoyed on the patio at Lyle and Dorothy’s house, as Dorothy is away for the day with her father (leaving Lyle with no car). No matter, I enjoy going there; my only concern is that I seem to be drawn to Bulk Barn with I go there. I am going to have to pay special care to not cheat today, what with that and my trip to the supermarket.

    Tomorrow the plan is to see Eduardo and Sam. I am still unsure if they are coming here or if I am going to see them, and if I am driving there, I will once again have to focus on not cheating. It is really much easier when I am not getting into my car. I was thinking yesterday during my walk as I passed a fast food restaurant and, realizing how intoxicating the smells emanating from the place were, I was still not tempted to stop. I was exercising, and that garbage (and I know that it is garbage, no matter how good it might smell) would destroy the progress I had made on my walk… to say nothing of the last five hundred and ninety days of doing so well. It is different when I am driving, and I am not sure that I can adequately explain it even to myself. When I am walking, I am actively participating in my diet and working toward my success. In the car I am simply driving, in a conveyance, with no stake in my success or failure. There is nothing to remind me of the hardships I have endured to get as far as I have, nor how uncomfortable I was when I was fatter. I have to remember when I drive to stay more mindful than I normally might be for fear of how easy it would be to cheat… just a little. It has been over a year since I last took myself for fast food… peanuts are a different story though, aren’t they?

    Okay, it is time for me to get at it. I am going to head to the supermarket and come back quickly so that I do not have to remember to do so after Lyle’s… especially knowing that is when I am so often weak and would end up stopping in the peanuts aisle. I will come home and prepare my kit, and before I head out to Hamilton, I will prepare my meal replacement shake… complete with a heaping spoon of fibre.

    Have a great day folks!