Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 545

    I did end up sitting in the pool for a couple of hours yesterday afternoon. It made the mercurial heat (109° Fahrenheit) quite palatable. My only mistake was not bringing a large bottle of water down with me. By the time I got out of the pool a little before 3:00pm I was drained of all energy, and it took me nearly twenty minutes to gather my strength to walk back to the apartment.

    Once again, I fell off the program yesterday. Either soaking in the pool under the sun baked a few extra pounds off of me, or else the cheating I did was not too bad. I was actually doing quite well until Leslie and her son asked if I wanted them to pick dinner up for me while they were at Wendy’s. The double burger, fries, and chili that I ordered amount to 1,410 calories, 114g of carbohydrates, 72g of fat, and a whopping 2,740mg of sodium. All of those exceed what my daily allowance should be for each measure, and yet it was all in one single meal. There is a compromise that we make for the convenience of fast food, and I was not about to either argue with them about where to pick dinner up from, nor ask them to make an extra stop for me. It has been months since I have had a fast food hamburger and doing it twice or three times in a year will not kill me.

    Other than that, I was good for the day. I had my omelette for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and somewhere in there I snuck a few slices of dried mango in. I had some iced tea, and… I think that’s it. I do not think I cheated at all other than that. The result: I dropped nearly another 2 lbs., putting me below the 265 lbs. mark for the first time in two weeks. Considering eight days ago my weight was just under 275 lbs., I am happy to be back under the 265 lbs. threshold. I would like to continue to lose weight for the duration of my visit with Leslie, but if I can at least return home under that mark, I will consider it a great victory.

    Today is transition day. Leslie’s son is going back to his father’s house, which means that from this evening and for a week we will be alone. On the one hand, I love being alone with her. There are myriad activities and foods and conversations that we cannot enjoy while he is around. On the other hand, we love having him here, and many of the activities that we can and do share with him. I suspect any divorced parent with shared custody will understand how we feel. The mixed emotions are hard, and we will miss him. I am really enjoying getting to know him, which is hard to do because of the infrequency of my visits while he is with us. I am also learning a lot about being a stepfather… a lot of lessons I wish I would have learned before poisoning the relationship between myself and my older son. Frankie, if you’ve had too few regrets to mention then boy have I got you beat. I could spend a lifetime enumerating them and still not reach the bottom.

    Okay, enough of that. What’s going on today? Leslie’s son will be with us most of the day, although they are at an appointment right now. When they get back, I am sure at some point we will discuss lunch. Tomorrow would have been his grandfather’s (Leslie’s father) birthday, and so we are going to have cupcakes to honour that. Last night we lit a memorial (yahrtzeit) candle that will burn for twenty-six hours, and they shed a few tears because they miss him. It is really nice to see them honour their previous generations, partly with a tradition that I introduced to them.

    I am teaching this evening, so I will relax and do some writing during the day, and then from 4:30pm-8:00pm I will deliver my class, the last class I will deliver to a group that I have been with the last two months. It is sad to see them go, but next week they are moving on to begin another class with another instructor. I will wish them luck at the end of this evening’s class, and I will log off to take my wife for dinner. We have discussed trying a new Chinese restaurant that is not too far from here, and I am sure we will both enjoy that. Because I know that is a possibility for the evening, I am going to be extra careful to be good during the day. I will suspect I will pick up salads for Leslie and I, and her son will have something much tastier but also more fattening. He is lucky… and I am lucky that I have developed a taste for salads… even though I still crave those wonderfully fattening and greasy foods!

    I plan to continue writing in my other project today. A few nights ago Leslie suggested I start writing down (really typing) some of my cigar stories and anecdotes, and that it might one day make for an interesting book. I dove into the project and have written a little bit every day. There is so far no order to the stories that I write, other than that I am writing them as I think about them. I bought a notebook for writing down story ideas as they come to me because I really do have a lot of these stories in my repertoire, and while I remember all of them when I am telling them as if they happened yesterday, when I sit down at my computer to start writing I often forget what I want to write, so I stare at the keyboard. That will not happen now that I have a notebook, right? Well, it is nice to be optimistic.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 535

    I knew yesterday was going to be hard. I am indeed over 270 lbs. this morning. It is now time for me to redouble my efforts and get my ass in gear. No more cheating!

  • Day 534

    I fell off the deep end again yesterday and I have to get a handle on myself. I have to stop going on these evening binges. Why can’t I just eat my dinner, and then be satisfied? This struggle is real, and I have to figure out a way to stop sliding backwards. I have come too far to let that happen.

  • Day 532

    It is strange to wake up on my birthday and not realize it until I looked at my phone and started receiving messages. I will thank all of my friends for the kind wishes. I expect to receive far fewer wishes this year than last, owing to my culling my ‘friends’ list by about 70%. I am fine with that. Today is going to just be another ordinary day. A buddy invited me over to his place for cigars in the afternoon, but aside from that I have no plans that differ greatly from whatever I did any other day this week. Well, that is not entirely true… After I finish this journal entry, I will go to Starbucks to pick up a free coffee. I am not going to take advantage of most of the ‘birthday freebies’ out there, but I think that Leslie and I spend enough money with them for overpriced drinks that we can enjoy a free overpriced drink on each of our birthdays.

    I cheated on my diet last night. It was a long and stressful evening (what with class and all) so I had to go out to help a friend with their computer after class. I stopped and bought a bag of potato chips. I should not have done that, and I paid the price. I gained a full pound over yesterday morning’s weigh-in. There are cheats that I can make exceptions for and there are cheats that I have no excuse for and should really know better. Yesterday evening’s chips fell into that second category. I feel like a failure for it… but I also know that beating myself up over it is not the answer. The answer is trying to do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 522

    The last few days were hard for me. Today will be a little better, and tomorrow better yet. That is the only thing I can aspire to. I want to get back onto the wagon. I am happy that I did not gain weight during Leslie’s two-week visit, but I do feel that I was doing much better and then lost ground these last few days. After I dropped her off at the airport I returned home to a slew of leftovers and a feeling of sadness that had the fridge calling me.

    The weather today will be the deciding factor on if I jog or not. It has been raining on and off all morning and is forecast to do so until just after 5:00pm, but if it is more of a drizzle then I might just suit up and brave it anyways. As we drove yesterday we were on a road that I have jogged a few times and I said to Leslie that I should jog there this week. I then realized we were far enough from home that it would require a nearly-10km loop to get there, and that I would be smart to lower my expectations of myself for my first week back at it. Last week I jogged a few times, doing two or three kilometres before slowing to a walk. If in the next few days I can get that up to a 5km run then I will be happy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 520

    Yesterday went about as planned, and I regret nothing. The rich creamy mushroom pasta I enjoyed for dinner was delicious; so was the chocolate tartuffo I had for desert. Today we are having toasted challah for breakfast before I go to the café to pick up our morning drinks. We will meet my sons for lunch at a Greek restaurant. I will be mindful these next two days, but I will resume a stricter diet and exercise regimen on Monday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 519

    We are out and about early and I wanted to leave a placeholder in case I forgot. I cheated way too much yesterday and I paid for it. Will do better.

    —

    It is now late afternoon and two of our three social engagements are behind us, with one more to go. All of them involve food. We had to leave the apartment early this morning because the lines in the parking lot were being painted, so after I came in from walking the Princess we headed out for breakfast. I ordered avocado toast which I consider a good decision. We had lunch with Lyle and Dorothy who prepared a delicious chicken salad with a miso dressing which was also delicious, also a good decision. We met Dimitrios for afternoon tea where I ordered a café latté and a flatbread, which was not a great decision, but I did so with my eyes open. This evening we will meet Eduardo and Gladys for dinner at a favourite Italian restaurant of ours. While it will not be a diet meal by any stretch, I am nonetheless confident that I can order smartly and eat well without going completely off the rails. I do not expect the numbers on the bathroom scale to be down tomorrow morning, but I also do not expect them to be a total shock.

    I knew in advance that there would be no opportunity to exercise today, which was not terrible because according to my fitness watch my Body Battery (which has been low all week) has not risen above 45 today. My last three days of exercising have not seen it rise much above that, with lows at night between 3-5. My body needed a day to recover. I will try to get out for a jog tomorrow morning, but we will see how I feel… and how the morning shapes up.

    Speaking of tomorrow, I suspect that around mid-morning we will partake in our traditional latté and cigars on the balcony. We are meeting my sons for lunch at Colossus where I can be smart with what I order. Knowing where we are dining tomorrow to celebrate our wedding anniversary I will try to eat very healthy during the day. I also plan to avoid meat, as we are going to a steakhouse for dinner.

    For those readers who came late to my journey, your confusion is understandable. After all, it was less than two months ago that I wrote about our fabulous wedding in California. That was our religious wedding, and beginning next year it will be the one that we celebrate. Last June we got married in a civil ceremony with a judge. We discussed it and decided that this year we would celebrate the first, and beginning next year we will celebrate only the religious anniversary. I’m glad I was able to clear that up for you.

    Today was another anniversary of sorts. Four years ago today I drove out to Beverly Hills to adopt Her Royal Floofness, Princess Sophie. She spent the day playing with Charlie, but when we return home she will get a special treat to celebrate.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 514

    As Leslie and I sit in the garden oasis of our bed and breakfast enjoying our cigars and lattés I am in bliss and do not want this weekend to come to an end. Alas, dark becomes day and the day turns to night. It has been exactly as planned with no stress, anxiety, or deadlines.

    We enjoyed a Greek meal for lunch yesterday and we lamented how difficult it can be to keep within the dietary constraints of our faith, which severely limits our choices at restaurants. On the flip side of that, I think that by not being able to mix the meat with dairy keeps my eating somewhat healthier than it I was not following to rules. At the very least it makes me think about everything I am going to eat before I order it. As such we have not eaten any meat since Thursday. It has allowed us to enjoy dishes with cheese, and if we chose to we could also have ice cream (as we did following our Italian dinner).

    While I am not sure where my weight will be tomorrow morning, I am not terribly concerned. It would not have been difficult to eat so that I would gain five pounds this weekend. I do not think that I will have gained more than a pound… if that. It definitely could have been worse.

    While we did not order drinks with dinner, we did buy a bottle of Niagara sparkling wine which we shared with cigars after dinner. That makes two bottles of wine in two nights, plus the beer that I drank with dinner Friday. That is more than I have had to drink in a long time. I did not feel drunk either night, and I also do not think the wine will be a major contributing factor to weight gain… and we enjoyed ourselves. We will likely not drink tonight, but tomorrow I will open a bottle of 10-year-old port to pair with my cigar for the sommelier class. I am not a big drinker, but should be able to integrate reasonable consumption of alcohol into my life when the mood hits me.

    It is another lovely day in Niagara, and I am going back to enjoying it with my wife.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 511

    The long days are definitely taking a toll on my weight, inasmuch as I am forced to dine after 9:00pm. Last night’s spaghetti was quite tasty, but it was also heavy. Fortunately today is the last day that I am working 9-9. Tomorrow I will finish my class and Leslie and I will get in the car for our romantic getaway to Niagara.

    I accomplished what I planned to this morning. I picked up my dry cleaning and my prescriptions, as well as a couple of odds and ends at the supermarket. I was quite tempted to pick up a small little nibble to supplement my breakfast, but in the end, I decided that it would be a bad idea. My choices were to either buy something very small (which I did not come across), or to buy something large (which would have been left over and thus Leslie would have seen my cheat), or to buy something very unhealthy. At the druggist I saw individual-sized bags of potato chips, and wisely decided not to indulge. I came home and am now working on my second cup of coffee.

    I discussed with Leslie a possible solution for the late-night eating. I will make a pizza for us for dinner (we still have the second cauliflower crust that we picked up at Costco), which I can eat quickly while my students are doing their labs. That way we can eat at a reasonable hour.

    I could hardly believe how exhausted I was last night. It is not often that I fall asleep that quickly, but I did… Leslie could see it as soon as we sat down to dinner. I tried to fight it. I thought about suggesting we sit out on the balcony with a cigar, but I would not have gotten through half of a small stick. We were in bed at a very reasonable hour (which is rare for me) and I was probably asleep before 10:30pm. I woke up mostly refreshed, and hope that I will be able to navigate this last long day better than I did yesterday.

    It is time to get moving. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 502

    I have to get back on track, but I am glad that my slip has not been as bad this time as it was a few weeks ago. I am still under 260 lbs. which is not ideal, but it is still better than when I ballooned to 267 when I came back from Dallas.

    Last night I was hungry, so I had a shake, but I was still not satisfied. I decided to make an omelette which did satisfy my hunger without cheating too badly. With that said, I ate too late last night, and I paid the price. It might have been worse… when I stepped onto the bathroom scale before bed the number was truly frightening, and I was sure that this morning I would see a huge jump. Fortunately, despite not being successful with my bowels this morning, my weight was higher… but not nearly as high as last night’s number hinted at.

    This weekend I have to get back on track with my running. I have not been jogging these last few weeks, owing partly to my schedule but also something else. After a couple of weeks without doing it I am now afraid that starting again I will fail. I have to get past that, and I will. If I am not able to get out sooner, then I plan to lace up Saturday morning for a good outing. There is a possibility I will be able to go between classes Thursday, or even after class on Friday. I know how important it is, so I am going to try for at least one if not both of those. I do not have to break any records, I just need to get active again. Even if I only jog a couple of kilometres and then walk to finish a five kilometre circuit then I will consider it a success. Anything more will just be gravy.

    After class today a friend is bringing his computer over for help, and then we will likely smoke a cigar. I am teaching in the evening, so he will have to be out by 5:15pm or so, but it will be nice to spend a couple of hours with him. It will be nicer if the issues with his computer are not serious and only take a few minutes to resolve. More often than not that is what will happen. We will see.

    My goal for today is to not cheat! I have been going overboard these last few days and I have to stop doing that. I did not make an omelette this morning – that was not because I did not want one or because I had one last night, but I was a bit lazy this morning and then Princess Sophie wanted to spend more time socializing on her walk than usual. I will make my usual midday meal which I will eat before my friend comes over. I am going to set a reminder to prepare a meal replacement shake during the break in my evening class. If I can stick to that then I should be able to stop the slide that I have been on these last few days.

    Have a great day folks!