Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 839

    I was disgusted yesterday morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale and saw that my weight had jumped back up to 288 lbs., but I also had a very busy and stressful day yesterday, so not only did I not have the time to take any positive steps (such as exercising) to do something about it, but I also did not think to write about it. It was Leslie who told me this morning that I had neglected to post, and I took a minute to write up my thoughts.

    I was relieved this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale and saw that my weight had dropped back below 285 lbs. because it meant that the jump was likely a temporary result due to high sodium intake and retaining water. I will also say two things:

    1. Aside from my usual pre-bed pee, I woke up a few times in the night to repeat, and then also had a very strong pee this morning, and
    2. I had my first good bowel movement in several days this morning.

    All of that contributed to getting my weight back down, but that does not mean that I can be complacent. If I am going to do this, I have to do this.

    It took me a long time to fall asleep last night, and so I am pretty tired today. I will try to take a nap before class.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 833

    I knew that eating pizza for dinner was not going to be a good idea for my diet, but I did it anyways. I did not expect to gain quite as much weight overnight as I did, but it is a small price to pay to make a young boy happy on his first night home with us in a week… and his first night back in his previously usurped bedroom in months. I ate too much, I ate too late, but I did not expect to gain three pounds overnight. I will do better today; in the event that we decide to get something else for dinner that is incompatible with my progress then I will have my leftover steak for my meal as Leslie and her son indulge.

    I can blame my eating as much as I want, but something has to be said for the fact that I barely broke 1,000 steps yesterday. Yes, I worked… but I did not walk the dog, I did not do anything… I do not even remember leaving the house at all, owing to a forgotten lunchtime meeting which saw Leslie run to the grocery store to pick up provisions. I will make sure to take Duchess out for a good walk this afternoon, and hopefully tomorrow the bathroom scale will be kinder to me than it was this morning. Tough love hurts.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 826

    This morning was the first day in a week that I woke up in our apartment and not in a hotel room. I was thrilled for the good night sleep that I got, and for being able to sleep in our own bed without having to lock the door for fear of being intruded upon. I was excited that we did not have to drive back to the apartment to take Duchess for her walk and to feed her and to give her attention. Last night was thrilled to be able to teach my class in peace from the comfort of my wife’s desk. The only negative emotion that I could not shake was the horror that I would be stepping onto the bathroom scale this morning.

    I did not eat well this past week, and I have not been dishonest about it. Most of my meals were decent enough, but I just snacked way too much… and in terrible quantities. I was horrified that I was going to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to see that I had gained ten pounds in a week. I also knew that if I did, then I would a) now weigh over 290 lbs. (and close enough to 295 to be worried); b) I would have gained a full 50 lbs. from my best weight ever; and c) I would be within a bad day or two of that dreaded 300 lbs. mark… the mark that I said that I would never even flirt with again. If there was one reason why I did not sleep better than I did last night, then it was that.

    At the end of my bathroom rituals I stepped onto the scale with trepidation. The app was open on my phone, and I was dreading where the numbers would stop. When they did, I was shocked. Since my last weigh-in on Wednesday, my weight was down 2.8 lbs. Yes, you read that correctly. With all of the chips, nuts, fruit, and other goodies that I had overindulged on, not to mention the bagels (before Passover) for breakfast and over the past three days a lot of matzah with peanut butter and jam, and with no exercise to speak of (save for walking Duchess)… my weight had dropped nearly three pounds in the week. I weighed less this morning than I have since I got here… and for three days before that

    I cannot see this as a sign that I can be complacent. Everything that I have said over the last few days will stand. When Ryan starts on his program in May I am going to do it with him… at least for a few weeks. I am going to try to be more mindful than I have been. I am going to do my best to not let stress and anxiety make me drop my guard and eat more than I should. I am going to continue to weigh myself daily and journal daily and make sure that when I do have a bad day that I make things right over the next few days.

    I may have gotten a reprieve this past week (which my wife says is probably due to the enormous amount of stress), but that does not mean that I am happy with where I am. Most of my pants do not fit, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I am a fat man. I do not mean this based on the psychological perception… I mean that I see that I am fat and too damned big. At my absolute lowest weight I was just under 240 lbs. and now I am 282, which means I am nearly 45 lbs. heavier than I was seven months ago. It is time to be done with that and to get back to where I was then. I will continue to journal, but not just about ‘this is what I did yesterday’ or ‘I don’t have anything to write.’ I will use this journal to do what it was meant to from the very beginning… to hold myself accountable.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 825

    Ding! Dong! The witch is gone! I do not want to go into any great detail on this here (although it might one day be the subject for a book). Suffice it to say that the woman who has gone out of her way to make my wife’s life unbearable is finally gone… we think, we hope. We suspect that she has now moved on to her next victim and I feel terrible for whoever that may be.

    This morning we dropped Leslie’s son off at school, and then after walking the dog we went back to the hotel to pack up and check out. It will be a relief to sleep in our own place again tonight. As I type this I am sitting at Leslie’s desk waiting for my class to start. I have some lovely chicken breasts marinating in a barbecue sauce that will be our dinner afterwards, along with some charoset (a Jewish dish traditionally served at the Passover seder, made of apples, walnuts, sweet wine, cinnamon, and honey).

    Speaking of the Passover seder, thanks to the issues we were having we were unable to do it the last two nights. Because I have to teaching this evening, we cannot do it this evening either. We are planning to do it tomorrow evening which is late, but it is better thank nothing. Leslie knows that it is an important celebration, and even though it will only be the two of us… we can celebrate it and I will recite to her the story of our exodus from the land of Egypt and the bonds of slavery.

    Of the myriad reasons I am relieved that we are back home, one huge one is that I have had a lot of trouble with my eating this past week. It is just easier to eat well when we are preparing our own meals. This afternoon we had a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls (store bought but still tasty). This evening is our chicken breasts. Hopefully there will not be a lot of snacking in between. As it is, I am deathly afraid of what the bathroom scale is going to tell me tomorrow morning. I am certain I will weigh more than 290 lbs., which means that I will have gained a full fifty pounds since my best weight ever… just seven short months ago. It is time to get back on track.

    Have a great day folks! It’s time to teach!

  • Day 822

    I have not been doing well on my eating these last few days. Tomorrow evening is the first night of Passover and my eating will be curtailed, and Wednesday I’ll be back with Leslie so I won’t be unchecked.

    A buddy of mine got his start date confirmed for the program that I am on for the second week of May, and I have decided that I am going to join him. I need to get back on track. In the meantime, I have to try to be better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 816

    Today is my first full day in Dallas, after a long travel day yesterday. I was up at 2:30am to be at the airport for a really early flight, but all went well. No, I did not eat particularly well… but I also did not eat particularly badly either. This morning I stepped onto Leslie’s bathroom scale and was delighted to see a drop… and not a small one! I dropped nearly four pounds, so while I am still above the 280 lbs. mark, I am thrilled to be back (significantly) below 285, which really upset me yesterday morning… until I realized that I was weighing myself at 2:45am, that I had hardly slept at all, and that I had not successfully moved my bowels. None of that really tamped that I was so freaking heavy… but at least I got back down today.

    Speaking of today, it has been a mostly good work day… if long. I had my usual breakfast, but for lunch I just made a couple of pieces of toast, as I did not feel like going out to pick anything up. After my daytime class I had a reasonable portion of dried mangos, and then a reasonable helping of crackers. My class will be over in ten minutes, and Leslie has ordered Chinese food for us for dinner: I asked for soup, spring rolls, and the Buddha’s Delight (a vegetarian dish which we quite enjoy). After that we will enjoy a cigar, and it will be another quiet evening… I am still catching up on my sleep and after a 12-hour day of teaching I need it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 811

    I went to pieces yesterday evening, and I do not know why. I ate, and I ate, and I ate… I was convinced that when I got onto the bathroom scale this morning I would have gained four pounds. It was a wonder that I did not gain. I did not lose any weight, but not gaining was a relief.

    I was pleased with one thing that I did yesterday; I walked to and from the supermarket, a 5km jaunt. It was my longest measured walk in quite some time, and I am happy that I did it. I told Leslie today that one of the things I am going to need to do is to get moving again. With spring upon us I have no excuse (other than time) to not get outside for my exercise walks.

    I am doing better today than I did yesterday, but the day is not over. I am hoping to go to bed without falling off again. I am going to speak with my wife for a bit after class, and then I am going to try to sleep early. I took Her Floofness out for a walk right before class, so I should be able to hit the sack at a reasonable time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 808

    This morning was the first time that my weight dropped below what I weighed the day before I flew to Cuba. Sometimes travel can be like that… I had expected with all of my walking (and almost no snacking) to lose as much as five pounds, but with the three travel days, plus all of the pasta and bread that I consumed in Cuba, I am happy that I broke even. My first two and a half days back in Canada I did not do myself any favours, but yesterday I did pretty well. I am still at 277.4 lbs., but that is better than … well, more.

    Yesterday morning I devoured the rest of the challah from Friday night, and while I should not have done that, I am going to give myself a pass… and will not be buying a whole challah anytime soon. After that, I ate reasonably. I will try to do the same today.

    My plan is to go see my buddy in the afternoon for a cigar or two. After that I will come home for dinner and will try to be in bed at a reasonable hour. I find that the earlier I am in bed, the less tempted I am to cheat.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 807

    Thursday I spent most of the day relaxing. I do not think I even touched my computer, but I did post a quick blurb to my blog. Yesterday I did do some work on the computer (not a lot) but I forgot to post, so this morning I posted a one-liner to retain my streak.

    Saturday morning!

    Yesterday I was disappointed by the weight gain, if not surprised. Yes, Thursday evening I overindulged. Frankly, I did last night too… I ate half of my challah after class. If that is going to be the only cheat I have in a day then at least I should do it before 9:30pm. Nevertheless, this morning I was pleased to see a reversal of the gains from yesterday morning. If I can get through the rest of today with no more cheating then I have a chance to be back on track.

    Yes, I bought a challah yesterday. They did not have any of the small rolls, so I bought the regular sized one. It is not really big, but it is too much for me to eat in two sittings… which I did. Yes, between yesterday evening and this morning’s breakfast the challah is gone. I will try to not buy any more rolls for a few days.

    My new shirts and sports jacket arrived on Thursday, and I was happy to wear them (one shirt with the jacket) last night for class. The jacket might have been a bit tight, and I look forward to losing ten pounds so it will fit better.

    My plans for the day include a haircut at noon, and then after lunch Eduardo is coming over for a cigar. It will be great to sit with him. I think Lyle and I are getting together tomorrow, and it will be good to see him as well. The weather is really picking up, with highs through next Sunday ranging from 9° through 15°… and while the overnight lows are still cooler, they are not scheduled to drop to 0°, so things are really looking up for the end of winter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 791

    I was on my way down the rabbit hole last night when I got another message… this time I responded. I have no idea where this is going to go, but for now there was a positive conversation in which we discussed the root cause of a lot of our issues… and in which we clarified that I did not have sex when I was in Cuba. Where do we go from here? Another conversation I suppose… and then another. We will see where it leads. 

    My weight jumped a pound this morning, and is back above 280 lbs. again. This is the last time I will write that. I am done gaining weight. I am redoubling my weight loss efforts effective today. I am not buying any more bread or yogurt or breakfast cereals or anything else that might be hampering my progress. Yes, I have gained forty pounds back since the beginning of November. Whatever might happen with anyone else… that ends now. It is time for me to pick myself up by my bootstraps and reclaim the ground that I have lost. 

    Have a great day folks.