Losing a part of me

Category: Cigars

  • Day 30

    It’s been just about a month, and I am down just under 30 lbs. One pound per day. How could I really be disappointed by that? If I was following the strict program, then it would have been more. I have stated before that I suspect the moderate approach will give me the best chance for long-term success.

    Yesterday I went to prepare a salad with my dinner, only to realize that I had no lettuce… or cucumber, for that matter… but it is the lettuce that is usually the base of the salad. For a minute I considered going shopping, but realized the weather was not quite agreeable to that. Instead, I took the bag of shredded carrots that I had and used them as the base of the salad (rather than an almost-garnish). I chopped tomato and onion onto it, sprinkled some pumpkin seeds, and then a drop of oil and a healthy portion of balsamic vinegar. It was unusual but not unpleasant.

    I think my class is going well. I am enjoying teaching them, although I had a mic blunder yesterday. Prior to class I was speaking with Leslie on the phone. Thinking my computer mic was muted, I told her of two students who I know are phoning it in… they have not done any of their labs, and I do not think they are even sitting through the class. I do not know if they are having their program paid by a government program which mandates they attend… and then I realized my computer mic was hot. I apologized to the group and took the opportunity to remind them that I mark attendance for those who log in, but the school has a record of who is doing the labs and who completes them, and that is out of my hands.

    —

    I was halfway through this morning’s entry when my phone dinged. A buddy was downstairs waiting to come up. I haven’t seen him in a couple of years, and it was great to sit and chat with him. The original purpose of his visit was to bring some cigars that I was buying from him, and we sat outside and enjoyed a beautiful cigar. Despite the chill, it is a beautiful sunny day, and we had the heater going. Once it was too cold to continue, we sat inside with another cup of coffee discussing cigars and golf and dogs and whatever else we wanted to. I really enjoy it when friends come to visit. I do not mind smoking alone, but cigars are a social lubricant best enjoyed with friends – old or new.

    Something that I have to be more mindful of is my water intake. The fact that I have been drinking a lot of coffee does not change the fact that I need to drink a lot of water, and I know that I have been neglectful of that the last week – since driving to Montreal, I suppose. If there is one thing you do not want to do when you have a six hour drive it is to drink so much water that you need to stop to pee every fifty kilometers. Leslie asked me about it Wednesday, and I confessed that I was not drinking as much as I should. I have tried to remedy that, and am so grateful for her help!

    I suppose I do not have a lot to report today. I have to go shopping now – I am woefully short of salad fixings, and I am out of chicken as well. When I come home, I will prepare a meal, and I will likely sit outside to finish the cigar that I left over. I am a firm believer that you finish a cigar in one sitting, and if you let it sit too long it goes bad. The 2-3 hours that this one will have been sitting should not be too rough, but if it is, I will just pick a new stick.

    I always look forward to the weekend (as does everyone, I suppose), but knowing that tomorrow Leslie is coming I am looking forward to it even more. It is so exciting knowing that my baby will be in my arms in just over 24 hours. I have mentioned before that she is very supportive of my diet, and I have been trying to make her understand that just because I am on this program does not mean that she has to be. As such, I made a date for us to spend the evening with Lyle and Dorothy on Sunday. Lyle is a world class chef, and Dorothy is an amazing baker. When we were last there, Lyle discovered that Leslie loves mushrooms, and promised to make her something special on her next visit. The fact that I will not be able to enjoy that something special does not mean that we should not go and spend time with our friends, and yes Leslie should enjoy her mushrooms and homemade pasta and all of that wonderful stuff. Lyle is aware of my dietary restrictions and will likely make me a fabulous piece of chicken or fish to enjoy while they are indulging. I am really looking forward to it… but I saw Lyle last week and Dorothy a couple of weeks ago, and I have not seen my girlfriend since December. I am really looking forward to her visit!

    Wherever you are and whatever you have planned, you enjoy your weekend, and I will see you all soon!

  • Day 29–February 17, 2022

    Weight: Down 1.4 lbs, 28.4lbs overall

    The last few days have not been great on the diet, but I daresay that yesterday was at least a little bit better than the three previous days. I woke up and had my breakfast shake, and then did not actually have a second meal replacement midday. Instead, I went shopping (which I will need to do again either today or tomorrow), and when I arrived home I prepared my evening meal, which was really a mid-afternoon meal. Two pieces of chicken and a large salad. I suspect that in a few weeks I am going to want to cut down to a single piece of chicken, but for now it is working, I am still losing weight, and am seldom feeling deprived. In the evening, rather than preparing another shake, I made a big salad… and added a half tin of canned salmon to it. It was very tasty… and while it was not strictly speaking part of my diet, it was not the worst possible cheat.

    My weight loss this past week was abysmal if we take out the dire psychological factors, not to mention the trip to Montreal. If we take all of those factors into consideration, the fact that I lost any weight at all is a success. While I would like to be down 40 lbs by now, I’ll satisfy myself with just under 30 lbs in four weeks I know that had I stuck with the program religiously I would be down much more, but I also know that this program is hard, and the lenience is making it just a little bit easier.

    I got several pieces of excellent news yesterday, all from my girlfriend. She knows that I have been extremely down this past week, with all of the emotional baggage that have opened up in me. She asked has asked me every day since the revelation what she could do to support me, and I have not had a real answer, other than ‘just be there for me.’ That’s how I am. She asked Monday if she should come to visit me this weekend, and I told her that it was an expensive trip, and that I would be okay. When I realized that she is really trying to support me, and that however brave a face I might be putting on, the diet cheat of the last few days has been proof that maybe I am not coping as well as I might. Yesterday when we were speaking in the afternoon, I told her that I would like for her to come if it was not too expensive. Within the hour she sent me confirmation of her flight, and I will pick her up from the airport Saturday afternoon. YAY!

    Leslie likes to bring me cigars when she comes to visit. It is not only that she knows how much I enjoy cigars… she loves enjoying them with me, possibly to the point of being a fetish! She already has two boxes of cigars that she was planning to bring to me, but her plan was to visit the Cigars International Superstore near her house to top up her allotment of what she is allowed to bring into Canada. We will get back to that in a moment.

    My girlfriend knows that I start teaching at 6:30pm, so it was a bit of a surprise to see my phone ringing at 6:32pm, with her name on the call display. Fortunately, I was waiting for the last stragglers to come into the class, so I muted my mic to answer the phone. “I GOT THE JOB!” She had applied for a full-time position with Microsoft, and has been pretty down on herself, figuring she did not get it. I kept telling her that she was absolutely the best candidate for the job (I know a lot of the other probably candidates), and that they would be crazy to not offer it to her. They did!

    Now, instead of picking up some okay cigars, she wanted to get celebratory sticks. She went a bit overboard, but I completely understand – she has something to celebrate, and she wants to celebrate with me, and she wants to celebrate with me smoking very high-end cigars. Saturday afternoon will see several new and wonderful vitolas added to my humidor, none of which I currently own, and only two of which I have ever smoked. Two of them are limited-edition cigars too… very collectible, but I do not collect cigars, I smoke them!

    Leslie also loves HRF Princess Sophie, which does not surprise me, as she (HRF) is absolutely adorable. Someone asked me the other day what HRF is short for, so here it is: Her Royal Floofness.

    Another thing that I am thrilled with is that Leslie has made it clear that she is going to continue to support me on my diet, which means that she does not want me ‘taking a break’ while she is here and does not want me taking her to restaurants and the like. Considering that there was a time when I felt that the best social experience between a couple was to sit together at a restaurant, this is a big change. The first time I was on the program (back in 2017) I remember going on a date with a woman the first week (or possibly second) that I was on it, and she had her lunch while I… watched her eat her lunch. There was no second date. I get that… it is uncomfortable to sit at a table eating while the other person just watches you. Fortunately, Leslie and I enjoy each other’s company quite a lot, and we are very familiar with each other. We can be just as happy sitting on the couch or at the table and not saying a word, or sitting on the balcony, sharing a cigar, and solving all of the world’s problems. I am so excited that she is coming in two days!!

    I have a dentist appointment this afternoon (I lost a crown), and after that Lyle might come over for a cigar. He is still unsure, due to the potential for the weather to change for the worse sometime this afternoon. If he feels the driving will be treacherous, he will likely stay home. I hope he comes… I have a nice birthday gift for him, plus a lot to talk about. After that, class… Thursday is my last teaching day of the week, and I’m looking forward to it… as much as I am looking forward to the weekend!

    Have a great day folks! I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 26–Monday, February 14, 2022

    Happy Valentines Day. My Valentine is 1600 miles away, but at least I will be able to speak with her. I sent her and her son a couple of gifts which they received and enjoyed over the weekend, but I really need to remember to ship her box to her this week!

    Yesterday was not a good day. I started out by visiting my father’s grave, and while it was -28° with the wind chill, I had some things I needed to say to him. It was cold but I said my peace. I did not rush it. I lit up a cigar, and by the time I was done, my cigar was nearly finished too.

    As I prepared to leave the house, I made sure to take my shake pouch with me. What I neglected to take was my shaker bottle, which meant that I could not actually make it. As I left Stephane’s house (where I smoked my second cigar, while chatting with a few friends), I took a handful of mixed nuts. As I sat with Caryl and Lawrence, I had a few slices of cheese. Either of these (or even both of them) would have been fine. It was the breaded foods and egg rolls that I had during the Super Bowl that were the killers. I did not overly pig out, but I did have a couple of egg rolls, a couple of chicken strips, and six wings. While the chicken was breaded, I take at least some comfort in knowing that they were baked and not fried, which would have been so much worse.

    Today has to be a better day for my diet. I have to get through it without cheating. I will be driving much of the day – I only sat down at my computer so that I could write and maintain my routine. Once I finish, I will pack up my kit (most of my stuff is already packed, and I am somewhat relieved that I am leaving Montreal with fewer bags than I came with) and hit the road. I will stop in Brockville to top up my fuel… or at least, fuel up enough to get to Tyendinaga, where gas was $0.16/litre cheaper than it is anywhere else along the road in Ontario (which is another $0.10/litre cheaper than it is in the Province of Quebec). Fuel prices have skyrocketed these last few weeks. I do not know if they are at an all-time-high (which is possible), but they are certainly higher than I have ever seen them.

    The drive will look like this: Brockville for gas, Tyendinaga for gas and a chat with a friend and potential business partner, and then probably one more stop to pee. I just finished my morning shake (it is 9:10am) so I will pull over somewhere around 1:00pm to prepare Shake #2. That should already be past Tyendinaga, but I do not need to map out everything with military precision. Taking a leisurely pace and the planned stops, I would like to be home by 3:30pm or so. There are advantages to not needing to stop to eat!

    I do have to pick up Princess Sophie from Nathalie’s house. I really have missed her this weekend, and especially knowing all of the crap that I have been going through it would have been very nice to have her here. If the timing works as planned, and if nothing else comes up, then when we get home we can take a nap before I have to start teaching at 6:00pm. Oh, and I should make sure I have lozenges and lip balm.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 25

    Yesterday was an emotionally difficult day. I came to a realization that was extremely difficult, and it is a wonder that I did not do worse on my diet than I did. I had always planned to have the rotisserie chicken for lunch (although I should have had a smaller portion); the salad that went with it was very tasty, but it had what I suspect was not a low-cal dressing. In the evening I got back to my friends’ house, and she made me have a bowl of chicken soup (with tomato? What heathen puts tomato into chicken soup?). All of this was in addition to three shakes, so it really wasn’t too bad… but I will try to do better today. I still believe that accountability is the key to my potential success, and so I am not going to blow smoke up my own ass and make excuses for myself. Yes, I had a crappy day. No, I should not have gone straight for the food.

    Wonder of wonders, I smoked a few cigars yesterday. It was not my entire day, but it was a portion of it. I started by visiting with my father’s widow… that’s where the emotionally draining revelations came to me. After that, I met with an old friend and her husband for a coffee. It is always good to see them. Once I was through there, I drove over to my buddy Stephane’s house, where we smoked cigars in the garage. He is an amazing woodworker, with a passion for ‘turning wood’. I never knew that was a thing until I involved myself with a broad community of cigar smokers. I now have several pens, ashtrays, and cigar stands that were made by him over the course of the last five years. During the course of the day, I bought a pen stand that he made, and he made me a pen. The pen that he made for me is gorgeous, but it is an everyday pen, as opposed to some of the other pens I have from him, one of which is a $200 work of art. So yes, the day was not cheap for me, but it was worth every penny.

    I came in from his place at about 9:00pm, and Rick and Isolina listened to my issues for a few minutes. She made me a bowl of soup (she was quite insistent about it, so I stopped arguing). We then watched the UFC fights, which I also rather enjoy. I lit a very good cigar (I know that she is not fond of my cigars, and I smoke cigars that I know she will enjoy more than the cheaper ones), and by the second fight I had forgotten most of my issues. Fortunately, I was able to remember most of them as I was trying to fall asleep later on.

    Today is a new day. I am going to visit my father’s grave, and then have a few other friends to visit with before I return to Stephane’s for another cigar. I’ll be back here in time to watch the Super Bowl with my friends, especially knowing that Stephane is not a sports lover. (He also does not have a television in the garage, which means that we wouldn’t be able to smoke cigars during the game anyways).

    It is bone-chillingly cold out today; yesterday morning when I left Rick’s place it was 5° Celsius outside. By the time I left Stephane’s it was -14°, and this morning the wind chill is reading -29°. In short, it will be a relatively brief visit with my father. Standing outside in an unsheltered field when it feels like nearly -30° is not my definition of fun… but I cannot think of an enjoyable reason to visit a cemetery, even in the nicest climes. I need to speak to my Dad about the realizations I came to yesterday… and even if I did not, it is a son’s duty to say a prayer at his father’s grave. (If anyone is wondering, I have not once visited my mother’s grave since the day of her funeral, and while I know the cemetery she is in, I would not easily be able to find her grave. She caused me more that enough pain and discomfort while she was alive; I will not suffer the cold for a minute to go looking for her now. Maybe in the summer I will find her grave and say a prayer over it.

    One thing that can be said for extremely cold days in Canada, they are usually sunny and clear. It will at least be a pretty day to be driving about. Wherever you are, enjoy it! I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 24 (Montreal)

    Success… mostly. Yesterday’s consumption consisted of four shakes… and one bag of almonds. As I had mentioned, I was driving to Montreal, and when I stopped for my first bio-break, I bought a small bag of almonds, with a marked value of 360 calories. I ate half of them between my first and second shakes, and the balance between my second and third shakes. I only had one shake on the road, and I pulled off into a Service Area to mix it up. I was a little nervous about that… When I was on the program five years ago, I mixed a shake on the same drive (from Burlington to Montreal) and discovered too late that the shaker-cup was not properly secured. I also discovered (shortly thereafter) that the shake material stains the leather (or whatever material the inside of my door was made of). I did not try to prepare the shake on the move, I took extra precautions to secure the bottle, and there were no accidents.

    On the same topic, that was the first time I had prepared the shake by hand since I don’t know when… I have a Ninja blender at home that does a much better job (it crushes an ice cube into the shake and gives it a creamier consistency, as well as keeping it cold), and when I was on the go (when I was previously on the program in the US) I simply took meal replacement bars with me. I am out of the bars and knowing that I will be away for three days, I simply took a box of fourteen shakes with me.

    I did not drink quite as much water as I usually do yesterday, owing to the fact that I did not want to have to stop along the road every 30 minutes. As it was, I made three stops, but one of them was also to gas up the car and to buy cigars (there is a good cigar shop on the Tyendinaga Reservation, in addition to much cheaper gasoline). Had I drank all the water I normally do, I suspect I would have arrived an hour later than I did.

    This afternoon, I will have lunch with my father’s widow, and we will share some rotisserie chicken. I suspect that will be the only food I eat this weekend, and it is not really a cheat… at least, it is not a cheat beyond the hybrid program I have been following. As such, I would love to step onto the bathroom scale Tuesday morning to discover that I have dropped a good amount of weight! There are no guarantees of course… but there is a simple equation: If I follow the program, if I consume only my meal replacements and healthy foods in moderation, then I will lose weight. It really is that simple. If my pre-diet intake was more than 3,000 calories per day (including a lot of carbohydrates and starches), then there is no way that I can consume less than 1,100 calories per day and not lose weight.

    I miss Princess Sophie. Last night was the first night since October 1st that she was not with me, and I worry about her… even though the woman who is taking care of her sent me a picture of her having a wonderful time. I still miss her and can hardly wait to see her again!

    When I arrived last night, my friends asked me to not smoke in the house anymore. For years I have been coming here and they always invited me to smoke, so this was a bit of a change. They are expecting their first grandchild soon, so I am not surprised. I gave them a little grief over it, but in truth it did not bother me. I will have plenty of opportunities to smoke cigars this weekend, and even if I would not, I would not really be put out. I still love them!

    I have spoken about my routine and being out of town it is necessarily disturbed. I had to remind myself after I finished my shake to pull my computer out to write. I did not take Princess Sophie for a walk, I did not make sure my dishes were clean, and I did not have to feed a puppy. Fortunately, I remembered to at least spend a few minutes writing. I suppose it is easier to want to sit down to write coming off a successful day, rather than one when I would be beating myself up.

    I have been watching the craziest period of ice hockey I have seen in years. In the last seven minutes the score has gone from 3-2 for Czech Republic to tied at 4, to ROC (Russia) up 5-4, and now it is tied. There is a reason that watching hockey is so much more interesting than just reading the scores! I do not watch often – I don’t even have a cable subscription at home – but I enjoy it when I do. After the game I am going to hit the road and pick up a chicken to take to Esti’s.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 23

    Yesterday would have been a good day… had I not had pumpkin seeds to put on my salad. I do not think the seeds on the salad were the problem, but the fact that I devoured the rest during my evening break was. I must have added 300 calories to my daily total… not to mention that I had two pieces of chicken rather than one. While I still don’t trust the scale, it was up 1.6 lbs from yesterday morning. That is not good.

    This morning, after her daily walk, I drove Princess Sophie to Nathalie’s house. Nathalie answered my ad when I was looking for a dog walker (after I broke my ankle), and my little girl likes her. I am off to Montreal for the weekend, and it seems that she intimidated Isolina’s cat on our last visit, and thus is not welcome there. The thought of Princess Sophie intimidating anyone is pure comedy, but my choices were either to bring her to Montreal and stay somewhere else (I could not easily find anyone willing this close to the weekend), not go to Montreal, or put her up with Nathalie. Tonight will be the first night since we were reunited that she is not sleeping in my bed… at least for a few minutes. I’m not going to lie; I am a bit emotional having left her. It will only be for a few days though, and we will be back together Monday.

    Speaking of Montreal, this will be a challenging weekend for the weight loss program. I will take my shakes with me, and I will do my best to not veer from the program. It is easier to maintain a hybrid program when I am home alone; staying with friends (and visiting with others) I would be relying on their cooperation with the dietary needs, and I am not going to put anyone through that. Rather than trying to explain to them what I need, I will simply stick to the meal replacements. Esti (my father’s widow) and I might order chicken for lunch, but I will have the rotisserie chicken only – no side dishes.

    Last night I was speaking with my diet buddy, and I told her I was going to Montreal, and she started to talk very fondly about some of the foods that city has to offer. If you were unaware, it is a truly culinary gem, with some of the best restaurants in North America (including the midrange ones). The deli, the bagels… I shut her down and asked her to not remind me. I told her that upon my return, we can discuss them… before the trip it was a bad idea. I did not want to be reminded ahead of time of all the easily accessed foods that I could cheat with. It will be hard enough to stay on track as it is.

    My goal for the weekend: Stay the course. Don’t eat anything that is not planned; stick to my shakes when possible and drink a lot of water. I will also be smoking a few cigars with my friends, which will be a nice distraction. I also plan to visit my father’s gravesite. That is always an emotional time for me, but it is also a son’s obligation. It has been nearly ten months since I got that terrible phone call, and I still miss him terribly.

    Okay… time to pack up (computer, clothes, and cigars) and hit the road. Had I been better organized, I would have been ready to hit the road as soon as I dropped Princess Sophie off, but I had a choice… I decided to relax and not stress, and not delay her morning ritual of going out as soon as I’m dressed. My morning ritual has evolved into coming home from her walk, making my coffee and my shake, and writing in my journal. If accountability is going to be such a large part of my success, then I wanted to write about yesterday’s failures… before I hit the road.

    See you tomorrow!

  • Day 21

    Today is the last day of Week 3. How amazing is it that I have gotten here? I have so much farther to go… but I am nearly thirty pounds lighter today than I was the morning of Day 1. The is two Princess Sophies!

    As I was chatting with Leslie last night, I decided that the button-down shirt that I was so happy to wear would go into a pile for charity. The colours were a bit faded, the buttonholes were a bit stretched (a sure sign that someone who it borderline fits has been wearing it around a very large stomach), and it could go to someone who will need it more than I need it.

    The problem is that when I went into my closet this morning to find another button-down shirt, I did not find another that fits. In a few weeks, maybe, but not now. I do suspect that the one shirt that I bought since I am in Canada – the shirt that I bought to wear to my father’s unveiling – will fit, but that is folded, and for whatever reason, I did not wear it today.

    Leslie also pointed out last night that some of my writing – specifically, the one I wrote yesterday about junk food – has a negative tone to it, and she asked me if I did it intentionally. I do not know that I do, but I am certainly not the type to pussy-foot around a subject. When I am doing something wrong, I do not want someone to take five minutes laying several layers of feathers and pillows down before they tell me what is wrong – tell me, and I’ll get over it. It is the sentiment that matters to me, and the don’t-want-to-hurt-your-feelings padding is, for me, both extraneous and condescending. If I am fat then I am fat, don’t call me Rubenesque; if I pigged out on junk food do not tell me that I was making up for whatever, just say that I pigged out. I understand that in this day and age, where feelings matter and everyone is going to be offended by something, you have to sugar-coat anything that might be negative… well not for me. That’s why I write in the tone that I do, especially when the person whose transgressions I am calling out are mine. That is one of the ways that I will remember to not do it again.

    Last night’s evening snack was the last of the American shakes, and so for this morning’s breakfast I am drinking the first Canadian shake I have had in over three years. I am shocked by the difference. I had once lived off the Canadian shakes for twelve weeks, and I have had many of the American shakes… I had just never had two (essentially) one after the other. The Canadian shake is much richer and creamier than the American counterpart. While it was a surprise and something to get used to, it is not at all unpleasant. I will make a point to add more water to the mix going forward… the more of it that I drink, the more I feel I have consumed… even when the calories are the same.

    Either my progress is too slow, or I am too impatient. I knew yesterday that when the numbers on the scale had not moved below those of the previous day that today’s measurements would be much better. They were… but I was hoping for more. This early in the program it should not be unreasonable to still enjoy a one-pound-per-day loss, as I did in my previous two attempts. Looking at my previous journal, on Day 22 I was down 34 lbs, and I am nowhere near that. Of course, I was sticking to the program religiously last time, rather than the hybrid program I am enjoying this go around. Which is better? I suspect the way I am doing it now is likely more conducive to long-term sustainability. We will see. As I wrote a few days ago, a huge key to that long-term success is going to be psychological and keeping my mind healthy. Anima sana in corpore sano.

    Lyle and Cam came over for cigars yesterday. I am always happy to have friends over. Lyle knows about my weight loss program, but Cam does not. On their way here they stopped at a fast-food restaurant, and Cam brought his hamburger to eat here. I got him settled on the balcony where he started to eat, and I busied myself around the house, making the excuse that I was taking time to select the exact right cigar (I had made that determination hours earlier) before finally going outside. He had a couple of bites left, most of which he shared with Princess Sophie. I know that it is not his job to police or even to be mindful of my diet, and I do not think he did anything wrong. I just do not want to be exposed to the temptations.

    This afternoon, Eduardo is coming for a cigar, and the weather is shaping up to be the nicest day of the week. He is coming around 2:00pm, but I am almost certainly going to get a head start on him!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 20

    My cheats yesterday included the last of the almonds, and a bit of cheese. I had two bits of cheese in the fridge when the diet started, and I realized that while one of them was sealed and new, the other was not sealed at all, and had grown moldy. I decided to cut away the mold and what was left was about an ounce of aged sharp cheddar. I enjoyed it, after paying the Cheese Tax to Princess Sophie.

    Speaking with Leslie last night, I decided that this morning I would go into my closet and try to find a button-down shirt that might fit. I have several that were candidates, but different companies cut their 3XL shirts differently. The first, a branded Microsoft Server shirt, did not fit. I decided on a shirt that has a cute pattern but does not have the vibrant colours that it did when it was new. I am expert at many things, but laundry is not one of them.

    Today is my appointment with my family doctor, and I plan to discuss my weight loss program and progress with him. In two or three weeks I will be able to get onto his scale to get an accurate reading, but I am reasonably sure that today I still weigh more than the maximum capacity. I am embarrassed by that, but optimistic for the day when that will no longer be true. I know that day is not far off. I plan to ask him to see me every few weeks to check in. While he is not a bariatric or weight-management doctor, he is willing to see me in person, and he has known me personally for many years. I am going to try for a semi-weekly cadence… for my American readers, no there will be absolutely no cost to me for these visits. (For my Canadian readers, who as fellow taxpayers are subsidizing these visits, remember that these visits are an investment in my weight loss, and it is in the service of not needing much more expensive treatment at a later date.)

    I was speaking with my friend/cleaning lady yesterday. She has also had weight struggles for much of her life, and she was telling me about a class she had taken – really weight management support groups – in which she was the only one who was there to get help losing weight. Most of the people there were either anorexic or bulimic or whatever and were trying to learn to eat properly to gain weight. This is not a problem that I have ever had to contend with, but it is important to remember that if there are extremes on one side then there are extremes on the other.

    (I should mention that if ever I thought that I was in the extreme overweight category then a simple trip to most any WalMart store in the US will remind me how wrong I am… but that does not mean that I should not work my tail off to lose the weight.)

    —

    I am back from speaking with my doctor, and we have come up with a visit schedule. I will go every two weeks, alternating between just seeing the nurse to get weighed, and actually seeing him. He knows that accountability is a huge help for my weight-loss and is going to support me completely. We broached the subject of a weight management clinic that I used to be a patient at. While they were good at what they did (education and accountability), they are currently not doing in-person visits, only telemedicine. Add to that the fact that unlike my family physician, you seldom saw the same doctor at that clinic, and I do not feel that marking numbers on a chart makes me accountable. He (my doctor) has been my doctor for fifteen years, and there is a personal connection which helps; I cannot pull the wool over his eyes, and he cares about me as a person, rather than as a generic patient file.

    A buddy is coming for a cigar this afternoon, and I look forward to shooting the breeze with him. He is one of my closer friends and sitting on the patio with him is always enjoyable. He has some errands to run first, so I will likely get a head start after my 1:30pm bowl of soup.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 19

    While I worked most of the weekend, I did have a friend over for a cigar on the balcony yesterday. It was a beautiful and sunny day, and he and I (and Princess Sophie) were able to enjoy it to the fullest.

    I had a real non-scale victory last night. Yesterday evening, while video-chatting with Leslie, I decided I wanted to try on the pants that I had put aside with the tag ‘Try again February 10.’ She was so happy for me that they fit! It wasn’t like ‘OMG if I hold my stomach in as much as I can then maybe with a crowbar and a cinch, I will be able to close them… barely’ either… I am wearing them comfortably today. So many of my NSVs will revolve around clothes, and that is just fine by me. The fit of a shirt or a pair of pants can be a much more visible and tangible sign of improvement than numbers on a scale.

    It was great to spend time with my sons on Saturday. Sunday evening my phone rang, and on the other end was a screaming child. My poor son (the younger) was having a terrible meltdown and was in an uncontrollable hysteria. My poor son (the elder) and his mother were trying to settle things, and one of them thought that speaking to me might help. I am more than a little ashamed to say that I am familiar with such tantrums firsthand, having had similar issues myself as a child. Where my older son thought that I might be able to soothe and calm his brother, I was much more effective in counselling him, and explaining to him why he had to take a step back. His mother, who was listening the whole time, must have worked hard to keep her jaw from falling, and likely wished that I had been so wise with my counsel and my child (as well as adult) psychology when we were married. The regrets I have from my years married to her, and from all of the years that I have been a father, will be a shadow over my soul until the day that I die. If only I had a time machine…

    I stuck to the program pretty well throughout the day; being able to smoke two cigars certainly helped, as did the fact that I was busy working from morning to night. I enjoyed my chicken and salad for dinner, and I enjoyed my regular meal replacements the rest of the time. I do not think I even had any almonds.

    This morning, after dealing with a client issue where the sky was falling, I picked my friend/cleaning lady up from the train station and asked if she minded that we make a quick stop at the supermarket, where I picked up chicken and lettuce. As we walked into the house, she asked me if I had given up on my diet program. I was able to excitedly share that not only had I not given up, but I was doing really well on it. I showed her the bins into which I sorted all of my ‘not yet’ clothes and showed off that as of last night I no longer have a ‘try on soon’ shelf. She is a good friend and has always been very supportive with my weight loss… although she is also happy to help me enjoy an all-you-can-eat sushi meal when I am not watching my weight!

    Today’s work, now that the worst of the fire has been contained, consists mainly of watching numbers go up and make sure that they do not crash, which means that while I cannot be far from my computer, I can be on the balcony with a cigar after my lunch… which will start in just a few minutes.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 18

    The nearly one-pound that I was heavier on the bathroom scale this morning can easily be attributed to the unevenness of the floor, or that I did not weigh myself at the same time this morning, or simply to the fact that weigh-ins are not meant to be every day, and there are occasional blips on an otherwise downward trend. Or, maybe it is because I ate more than I should have. The chicken quarters were much smaller than usual, so I prepared two of them. The salad was larger than the day before. Nonetheless, I cannot imagine that even if I ate 1,500 calories instead of the 1,000 that I had estimated a couple of days ago that I should have gained any weight from it. No, I think it is just a blip on the chart, and tomorrow will be back on track.

    My son (the younger) wanted pizza and wings for dinner, and that is what he got… munching happily on them as I sat and observed. We then watched a movie, and the popcorn he was enjoying smelled just lovely. I took a handful of almonds to cover my hunger. Later in the evening I had a shake, knowing that I am down to three apple cinnamon bars, and that even when they do arrive at Leslie’s, they will take as much as a week to ten days to arrive. I have to ration them!

    While I still have a couple of boxes of both of the soups, I opened the last box of American chocolate shake meal replacements yesterday. That is not a big deal – I have several boxes of the Canadian shakes for when they are done. In a few days’ time I will be making the switch from the American shakes (160 calories) to the Canadian shakes (225 calories), which means I will have to make some adjustments to my routine. Something like:

    9:00am: Morning shake (225)

    1:00pm Lunch soup (160)

    5:00pm Evening meal (450)

    9:30pm Evening snack (160)

    That will bring me to 995 calories per day, certainly a reasonable diet/hybrid program plan. I will try it for a few days, and if I have to make any adjustments then I will.

    The forecast for the week is lovely, for those of us looking to sit outside in a heated balcony smoking cigars. Starting today, the high temperatures will be between -1°C and 3°C every day through Sunday (when it drops again) which means that as long as I am bundled up and have the heater going, I will be able to smoke all week. Remember, cigar smoking may not be an addiction, but it is certainly a distraction that has, on many occasions, prevented me from snacking. Of course, if I were not trying to maintain ketosis, I would be inclined to enjoy a scotch or some other fine spirit as I indulged… but for me that is not a requirement (or even a strong temptation) and pairing a cigar with a good cup of coffee is just as appetizing to me. I’ve a very good selection of both Cubans and non-Cubans to keep me satisfied for the week (I could smoke a cigar every day for the next year and still have plenty left over), but today a friend is coming over, and we told me that he wants to bring me a cigar. The gracious host never says no to a gifted cigar! The coffee will be brewed, and should he desire a dram then he is welcome to one. I will stick to my coffee.

    As a mental note, I should remember to have my meal replacement before he arrives. While I am not hiding it, I do not particularly want to discuss my diet plans with anyone. He is set to arrive between 1:30-2:00pm, which is perfect. Have a great day!