Losing a part of me

Category: Clothes

  • Day 211

    My weight loss program is extremely important to me, and my routine is fairly important to my progress. With that said, sleep is even more important; without sleep, I do not have the energy to get through the day. I have not been getting nearly enough sleep this past week, and I needed to figure out a way to end that streak. I decided, for one day only, to have a second meal. Yesterday evening I prepared a second meal identical to my first – chicken and salad – and enjoyed it around 6:30pm. I did this in place of the two evening meal replacements, so while I certainly consumed more calories than I would normally, it was not obscenely so. I then spent the evening on the balcony with a cigar, watching television and then talking with my wife.

    Is the extra meal the reason I slept well last night? I do not know. I could have happily stayed in bed another couple of hours, which was obviously not an option. That’s okay… and I am hoping that this evening I will be able to catch up on even more sleep… hopefully after a Taekwondo class.

    My weight was down nearly a full pound this morning, but is still a full 1.5-pounds higher than my low from Tuesday. These corrections are annoying and often disheartening, and I have to remember that it is the downward trend that is important, and frankly the weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. The bathroom scale, which I have known to be notoriously inaccurate, is a bellwether, not expected to be scientifically accurate.

    The forecast calls for a 30% chance of rain at some point today, but if I am going to Taekwondo and not for a walk, that will not be an issue for me. It will affect Princess Sophie, who has never been a big fan of precipitation… she might just step out for a few minutes to pee, rather than taking her full walk.

    I am wearing a golf shirt from the Size-XL bin today, on top of a pair of pants from the Size-40 bin. It feels good to be able to feel my progress with such victories!

    I realized last night that I would be running out of milk, but I did nothing about it. This morning’s first cup of coffee had dairy, but that will be it. I have to remember to pick up a litre this afternoon… and to not get the larger container, as I am going out of town Wednesday for a week.

    I have reached out to my diet buddy to confirm that we are still meeting this afternoon. We are supposed to meet every Thursday, but life often gets in the way. I love having Leslie’s full support, but I hope that Julie and I can touch base today to see how we are both doing.

    With regard to my meal replacements, I realized this week that I was running low, which is to say that I have 36 shakes left. To put that in perspective, at the peak I had twelve boxes, or 168 shakes. I thought briefly about going onto Facebook to buy more, and then decided against it… for now. I have a large case of shakes (84 servings) and a small case of apple cinnamon bars (42 servings) waiting for me in Dallas, and while they are the American formula (which means I have to adjust my schedule to compensate for the caloric differences), there is no reason I cannot bring some of them back to Canada with me… and I will only be back in Canada for three weeks before my next trip, so I only need bring enough to get me through that. Assuming with the American formula I plan for four meal replacements per day, that is 84 meal replacements that I need to bring back. No problem, and unlike here (where I have to buy them on the grey market), I can always order more in the US off eBay.

    Okay, so my diet buddy and I touched base during my break. She is not having a very easy time of it, and I gave her some tips… including the importance of telling people ‘I CANNOT EAT THAT (or THERE)’ instead of just going along, either to please them or because you are embarrassed to say that you are on a diet. It is embarrassing too, because it is vocalizing that you are fat. Also, if you tell someone you are on a diet, you always have to be on a diet with them, lest you slip and they think you are weak. All of those issues are psychological and deeply embedded into us, and we have to let go of them. Yes, it may hurt… but eating a poutine will hurt more.

    It is nearly time for me to get back into class, so have a great day folks!

  • Day 206

    I was expecting the numbers on the scale to be higher this morning, owing to two factors. First, yesterday’s 2.6-pound drop was one of those great ones that is usually too good to be true, and dials itself back the following day. Additionally, I treated myself with a gorgeous (if too large) steak yesterday for lunch, and I expected the consequences to be a slight weight gain. In fact, while there was no drop, there was also no weight gain. This could be because I pushed myself on a 10-kilometre walk, which compensated for (and burned calories from) the steak. Whatever the reason, I am happy with it.

    I have two bags of clothes waiting to go today. The first is clothes I am going to take to drop in a donation bin. The second is clothes I am taking to the tailor to have her alter because of the weight loss. I have worn the vest and the sports jacket a few times, but of the three shirts I had custom made, one of them has never even been unfolded. I suspect that there will be little she can do about the shirts, but the jacket and pants should be adjustable. I hope to have them back in time to take to Dallas with me, so that if I take my wife out for a nice evening, I can dress up for her.

    There are several side effects to being fat and fifty years old. There are even more to being an active fat and fifty. One of these is that the morning after I walk, my ankle causes me problems. Once I am walking (even just walking the doggo) it is fine, but as I am puttering around the house to get ready, and then walking to the elevator, my ankle is bothering me, and feels like it is going to give out. It never does, and once I get moving it seems fine. The joys of age and weight… my body does things that remind me constantly that I am neither young nor slim, and that it has been many years since I have been consistently active.

    I could have slept more last night, but sometimes our bodies or minds do not cooperate with that. I seem to have no problem getting back to sleep after getting up to pee at 6:15am, but if I get up to pee after 6:30am, I am done for the night. I do not think it is substantially lighter in my room, but there is something about that 6:30am threshold that seems to be a barrier to my returning to sleep… unless I am zonked, at which point it is possible. This morning was not such a morning, and so I was up and hitting my bathroom routine at 6:40, and by 7:30 I was out with Princess Sophie. Of course, that gives me the entire day to be productive. I remember the old saying ‘Early to bed, early to rise…’ The early bird might get the worm, but I am not a big fan of worms and would just as soon have gotten another hour of sleep.

    Plans for today: I will be going to the tailor of course. I hope she is able to help. After that, I am driving to Hamilton to spend a couple of hours with Lyle, whose wife is visiting with her father today. It is always good to sit with friends and enjoy a cigar. Because of that, I will adjust my eating schedule somewhat, and will have my meal in the later afternoon, rather than at noon. Afterwards, I hope to go for another fitness walk. It will likely not be as long as yesterday’s, but getting out is what is important, and not beating my previous score.

    I had a realization about habits yesterday which I am going to write about in a separate entry, but suffice it to say that I have not yet gotten into the habit of walking on a regular basis… at least, not to the point where it is automatic. I really need to get there. Until I do, I will continue to remind myself how important it is that I keep walking for my continued improvement, both in weight loss and overall health.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Saddle Up!

    I was extremely tired at the end of my work day, owing to the often-interrupted sleep I had last night. I felt a pain in my lower left shin, which could have been anything… or it could be nothing. I was unsure if the discomfort I had in my groin earlier in the week was completely gone, mostly gone, or was still there, and I had just gotten used to it. All this to say that I had every excuse in the world to stay in.

    I kitted up and headed out, hoping I could just do a few kilometres. Even as I approached Mainway Rd (less than a kilometre from home) I thought how nice it would be to return home. My first kilometre was 11m00s exactly, which did not bode well for a strong showing. By the time I turned up Guelph Line (3km into the walk) I was tired and hot… but did not feel the need to stop. Approaching Upper Middle (4km in) I had hit my stride, and decided to take a new route. By the time I was 7-kilometres into my walk I knew I could go longer, and kept up my pace. Despite that slow first kilometre, I had five kilometres that were between 10m16s and 10m20s, which is not only an impressive pace, but also speaks well to my form and consistency.

    • Distance: 10.01 km (9.03 km)
    • Duration: 1:44:36 (1:36:44)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:26 (10:42)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m16
    • Steps: 12.3k (11.7k)
    • Calories burned: 1,121 (1,073)
    • Elevation gain: 44.0 (40.0)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116 (120)

    I realized as I walked that my nice new Adidas shorts which I bought in Dallas are borderline too big for me, and they are going into the donation bag… along with several pair of pants that I pulled off my shelf this afternoon, having discovered to my delight that all of my Size-40 pants (except for the Levis jeans) fit perfectly.

    I have a long way to go. Even with my next two goals (first to 300lbs, and then to 260lbs, which will be my best weight in twenty years), I am over 20- and 60-pounds from achieving each respectively. I am over 100-pounds from my ultimate goal… whatever that final number will be. If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, then I am now eight months, 73-pounds, and hundreds of thousands of steps into my journey. I may not be there yet, but I can look back on where I have come from, then look forward to see where I am going, and know that I have made significant progress.

    As of today, I have dropped from a starting pants size of a 46” waist to a 40” waist… the shirts that I was embarrassed to wear because my belly was exposed are now too loose on me, and while my XL golf shirts are still a little tight, they are certainly wearable. I know that Leslie is proud of me, and I know it is weird to say, but it is equally (if not more) important that I am proud of me. Okay, both are really important!

    I am going to hit the shower, then I will call my wife to light the Sabbath candles. After that, a protein shake and a cigar are the order of the evening.

    See you tomorrow folks!

  • Day 205

    After five days of stagnation, the numbers on my bathroom scale were tremendous this morning. I saw a monster 2.6-pound drop from yesterday, taking me to my lowest weight! On the one hand, it is probably an aberration, and tomorrow it will correct itself up a bit. On the other hand, woohoo! I love seeing those numbers… and being able to demonstrate that what I am doing on my weight management program is working is huge for me.

    After four days of not walking, I will be back on the trails todayI I think I mentioned the other day that I plan to substitute my regular chicken (or fish) for a nice juicy steak for lunch today, as an occasional (very occasional) treat to relieve the monotony. While that is great, I still know that I will be paying for that transgression tomorrow (and subsequent days) if I do not work it off, starting immediately. So the steak will be my lunch, and then after teaching this afternoon I will hit the road, hoping to work up a good sweat. It would be nice if I can get 8km in, but I am not promising myself anything beyond suiting up and getting out there. I still feel a slight sensitivity, which I suspect is all in my head. If I detect it returning and getting worse, not only will I cut my workout short, I will also take a trip to the walk-in clinic to have it looked at. I am assuming that it is nothing… but if it is truly something, then there is only one thing that I can think of, and I do not want to think about that.

    My buddy Etienne, a fellow cigar sommelier from the North Shore of Montreal, came in yesterday afternoon. We shared a couple of very nice cigars on my balcony, but at the back of my mind I was thinking to myself that if he was going to spend the night on my couch, I was going to have to speak with him about food. I was concerned that if he wanted to go out for dinner (or order in) that I would be tempted.

    I told him that I did not have anything in the house, but that we could order in or go out. In the end, we opted to go to Fortino’s (supermarket) which has great prepared food options. He picked up a couple of slices of pizza; I picked up coffee beans (I had run out), my steak for today, and four (yes, only four) slices of dried mango. It is a shame that the dried mango you buy in the large bags (at Costco and elsewhere) is so much better than what you can buy at the bulk foods section of the supermarket, but I was not going to risk having that ambrosia in the house as a constant temptation. I ate them as Etienne enjoyed his pizza. Princess Sophie looked at him, then at me, and then decided to sit at his feet, having decided that the dried mango was nowhere near as delicious as the pizza.

    Speaking of Her Floofness, we did not sleep very well last night. We got to bed early enough, after a third walk of the evening. Because Etienne was sleeping on the couch, I closed the bedroom door when we went into the room. Sophie almost always gets onto the bed, and stays there the whole night. However, it would seem, she is comforted by the open bedroom door, and the potential for her to roam the entire apartment. It took her a very long time to get settled, twice going down from the bed and barking (very softly) at the door. Despite being in bed earlier than I had been in weeks (or months), I do not think I was asleep before 1:30am… and her unease woke me at least three times throughout the night. Needless to say, I hope to sleep much better tonight.

    —

    THIS JUST IN! STOP THE PRESSES!

    I was wearing a pair of pants yesterday and I realized that when I tightened the belt to hold them up, the top of the waist folded over the belt. This, for those of you who have never been really fat and then lost a lot of weight, is an indicator that the pants might be too big, and are being held up by a too-tight belt. At the same time, I knew that it was less than two months ago that I dropped comfortably and completely from Size-44 to Size-42 pants, and so I doubted I was ready to drop another size that fast.

    Nonetheless, this morning I decided (halfway through this entry) to pull out the bin of Size-40 pants. On the top of the pile was a pair of Dockers (which are, in theory, the same pants I wore yesterday). I held them up by the waist, and they looked… small. I tried them on anyways… not only did they go on, they fastened comfortably!

    I did not have time this morning to try on any other pair, and it is entirely possible that this is a larger Size-40. This evening, I will try on the rest of them (while on video call with Leslie), and I will see what I can start wearing. If there are more than two pair, then all of my Size-42 pants are being donated.

    Dropping pounds is great, but even a huge drop like I experienced today may show on the scale, but you still do not look smaller from one day (or even one week) to the next. The biggest indicator of success in weight loss is how your clothes fit, and dropping from a higher size to a lower size is big, huge, flashing neon sign non-scale victory, and a true bellwether that what I have been doing is working.

    Of all of the bins of clothes that I separated out early this year, the heaviest was the smaller sizes. Why? When I weigh less, I want to look better, so I buy better clothes… and more of them. During the summer of 2020 I bought several pair of pants, as well as lots of shirts. I am excited that this evening I will be trying those on, and while some of them will stay in the bin (I am sure that a lot of my XL shirts will not fit yet), I am hopeful that several pair of pants will be moved onto my shelves, and the bin will get a whole lot lighter.

    Today is going to be a good day. Despite my fatigue (thanks Princess), I am now invigorated and excited to get on with the day. I frankly wish my class was canceled so that I could spend the day walking and jogging. Of course, I cannot do that, but as long as I stay the course – my meal at lunch, my long fitness walk in the evening, my meal replacements, and no cheating – then I can continue to see results.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 184

    I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I was going to open today’s article with the words ‘Anyone who has ever set out to lose a lot of weight will tell you…’ As I look in the rearview mirror of my life, I remember too many times that I have gotten in trouble for speaking out of turn, for saying ‘All people this’ or ‘All kids that’ or whatever it is. I am trying (against the very nature of every fibre of my being) to be more humble.

    I can tell you that every time that I have set out to lose a lot of weight that milestones are huge. They are the goals we set for ourselves to continue to strive for. Long term goals are great: Hey, I plan to lose 150-pounds. It is the short-term goals – those milestones that are more easily reachable in the incremented short term – that encourage us to keep going.

    I have always looked at the following milestones as the bellwethers of my success. The first is the Decades. When I drop below a multiple of 10, it is an achievement for me. ‘Hey, I dropped from 350.2 lbs to 349.9 lbs!’ That might not seem significant, as it is only a drop of less than half a pound. However, it is the cumulative result of losing the ten pounds it took to get from 360-pounds to below 350-pounds.

    Of course, I also look at how my clothes fit as a bellwether of progress, but it is being able to fit into a shirt or a pair of pants or whatever that previously had not fit that I see as the significant milestones. As an example: a couple of days ago, I wore a tank top on my fitness walk that I had not been able to fit into for two years. Yes, it was tight, and yes, it did not completely cover my belly… but I was able to wear it comfortably. That is a milestone. Over the next few weeks, that shirt will start to grow; first it will cover my belly, then it will stop being so tight. That is definitely a non-scale victory… but it is not a milestone.

    I have several tubs of clothing, along with quite a bit hanging in my closet, that do not currently fit. Most of them are sorted into various sizes, and every so often I pull something out that had not previously fit to see if it does yet. While I have myriad polo shirts and things that I am looking forward to being able to wear again, the next huge clothes goal is to be able to wear the custom-tailored suits and shirts that I had made for me in 2017, when I was at my lowest weight. I was able to wear them for a few months in 2020 again – I wore them to the High Holidays services – but it has been nearly two years since. I am looking forward to wearing them again.

    It will come as no shock that I wrote about milestones this morning because I achieved one. I dropped into a new decade – one that I have not been in since falling from it in April, 2021 – the week my father passed away. It has been fifteen months since my weight registered below 330-pounds, and this morning it did. Of course, owing to the instability of my floors, I am still unsure if that measurement is accurate or not. All I know is that I have been following the plan, and am not suspicious of losing six pounds in five days… at least, not since my dramatic change to my single-meal plan.

    Yesterday was my third straight day of following the new meal plan perfectly. I had three meal replacement shakes (at or about 9am, 6pm, and 10pm), and one very healthy meal when I got back from my walk, probably around 2pm. When I say healthy meal, I mean in both respects: It was protein (chicken) and salad… but I am also aware that I am still eating larger portions than I probably should. Just as I adjusted my regimen this week (shifting from two meals and two shakes to one meal and three shakes), I know that my next step – when I plateau and am not losing weight anymore – will be to reduce the size of that meal. That will be an important step for my long-term success, because I will need to start simply eating less, especially if I want my stomach to shrink and eventually require (and desire) less food.

    So why, you might ask, don’t I just do it now? My simple answer is that you take one step at a time. While there is a school of thought that diving in is better (as most weight loss clinics start you on four meal replacements per day, often dropping you from 2500-3500 calories per day to 900 calories per day from Tuesday to Wednesday), I have done this three times… each time I was extremely successful in the short term, and a complete failure in the long term. So yes, I am doing my progression gradually, and will make the necessary changes as I see fit.

    While I woke up today feeling the aches in my feet, I am still planning on going for a fitness walk. I have a meeting at 11:00am, and after that I am going to look at a map of my neighbourhood and see what paths there are that might be more interesting than the roads I have been walking. It might also help if I plan out a shorter walk, rather than just setting out and realizing when I am two kilometres from home that my tanks are nearly empty.

    For those who are worried, no I will not overdo it, and no, I will not ‘kill myself.’ If I only exercise on the days when nothing hurts, then I will never exercise. If, on the other hand, I accept that aches and pains are part of my struggle, then I will be able to overcome them.

    In the Army we were taught that the difference between a pain and an injury was huge – it was the difference between going on and overcoming obstacles, and getting a bet or a gimel – essentially a day (or two or three) of bed rest, either in the infirmary or at home. Of course, in unit training it also meant dropping out of the unit. In my case, if I was injured, I would stop… but I am not, I am just feeling achy. That is what you get when you are morbidly obese, and are working toward slim and sleek.

    One thing I know, before I set out on my fitness walk, I will be choosing the right shoes. I have several pair of running shoes, and some of them (like the ones I selected yesterday) have hundreds of miles on them, and are no longer suitable for long walks. I am not taking any chances today, I am going to the top-tier shoes… my newest pair of Adidas (gifted to me by the lovely and generous Leslie).

    —

    Several times over the past couple months, Leslie has pointed out that she can see and feel a noticeable difference in the size of my belly and my dreaded man-boobs. I have felt it too… and while it does not yet feel great, it certainly feels like I have made great progress.

    On my computer desktop I have two pictures of me called MDG-Before-1 and -2 which were taken Thursday, January 20th… otherwise known as Day 1. While I still look in the mirror and see a fat man, there is no denying the tremendous progress that I have made in these six months. I am not half the man I was… but I am certainly much smaller than I was. Losing sixty pounds is no joke!

    I write this because this morning I noticed something… when I lift my belly, when I lift my man-boobs, they feel huge… yet significantly smaller than they were. I remember what it was like in December and January, and I know that I have come a long way since then. I want to keep going, but there is only one person who can make that happen. It is my intention to keep making it happen, day by day. As with overcoming any addiction, I have to do it one day at a time. I cannot simply say ‘I will never…’ I have to tell myself every morning: ‘Today I will stick to the program. I will not cheat. I will exercise. I will stick to it. I will go to bed with the knowledge that I got through today without falling off the wagon.’

    Like alcoholics and Valerie Bettinelli like to say, it’s one day at a time.

    Have a great day, folks!

  • Day 183

    I do not know how far it will go, but the recent changes to my diet routine are paying huge dividends. The bathroom scale has me down another two pounds today. What I mean to say is that when I start a new diet – each time I have started on the meal replacements program – I see profound weight loss for a few days, which will then taper off. What is important is that as I keep losing weight, I should not expect tremendous drops on a daily basis. I have to be satisfied with smaller losses. As Leslie has reminded me many times, a weight loss journey is not always a smooth and steady road.

    With all that said, I cannot imagine that cutting five hundred calories from my daily intake (while at the same time increasing my daily physical activity) can possibly be a bad thing. I seem to recall writing (or at least thinking) when I started the two-meal regimen that I would stick with it as long as I was losing weight… and when I was not, I would make another adjustment. I suppose that time has come, and I am happy to get on it.

    After three days (two religious ones) of my new food plan I have not found myself wanting for more food. Yes, I have felt hunger… but much of it was my stomach telling me it is used to having more, not that it actually needs more. I will keep resisting that nagging, as I would resist a child who wants three new toys instead of just one.

    As I was walking yesterday, it occurred to me that I have not gone back to look at my previous weight loss journals in quite some time. I then realized that today is exactly half a year since I started on this journey, and I have never lasted that long. By this point the first time around, I had already gained back about half of the weight that I had lost. My second go of it lasted longer, but after a few months I took a long hiatus, and came back later. Yes, I would eventually lose a lot more weight… and I would gain it all back.

    I do not want that to happen this time around. My intentions are to keep at it, albeit slightly slower than the previous two times. Unlike those times, I have not cut out real food completely. I have also had a wonderful woman by my side through It all, and while she has not been with me physically for a lot of it, she has been an excellent supporter. I am losing the weight for me… but also for her, and for my kids.

    While I am still in a real funk of a mood, I have been in healthier spirits, owing in large part to my exercise routine. I have gone on two incredible power walks this week, and I did a Taekwondo class on Tuesday… and will do another one this evening. It is keeping me on track, and I have a lot of reasons to stay on that track. As such, this week (or at least the three days of it that are passed) has been my most successful food week in I do not know how long. I have stuck to the plan of eating only one meal each day, and three meal replacement shakes. Yes, Monday I had some of the popcorn (which I then threw out), as well as a Japanese biscuit. Tuesday and Wednesday I did not veer from my program at all, and I can feel the difference.

    While Monday and Tuesday were chicken days, yesterday when I finished my walk (and my article about the walk) I prepared a piece of Atlantic salmon, topped with black sesame seeds, and a few slices of pickled ginger. A garden salad accompanied it, and while the piece of salmon was quite large (nearly 600 calories worth of it) I was still under 1500 calories on the day. Considering the walk/jog I did, I do not feel guilty about it.

    I am enjoying my book. Last night I sat on the patio reading with a cigar, and stayed there until the thunderstorm hit. When I do not have to be on the road, I enjoy the romance of a storm with thunder and lightning, and for the hour before the rain encroached on my balcony, I loved seeing the tremendous lightning from the corner of my eye as I read. I then went inside, had my final meal replacement of the evening, and then went to do some shopping, only to discover that the supermarkets close at 10:00pm, and it was five minutes past the hour. Oh well, I’ll go this morning.

    I am preparing for my class that begins Monday, but there is not really a lot of preparation needed. I am teaching for a new client so I have had a number of meetings with them, mostly about the (mostly) proprietary tools that they expect me to use. None of these are overly complicated. One of the people I needed to talk to is a senior instructor there, and we figured out that we have at least two colleagues in common, one of whom is among my dearest friends. It is nice when meetings do not have to be all business.

    My legs were really feeling the effects of my walking in the afternoon, and my housekeeper friend joked that I looked wobbly. I told her about my exercise, and that since I saw her last, I am down ten pounds. As she has gained five pounds in that time, she stopped harassing me. I do not know why exactly, but she only weighs herself on my scale… and my scale reports her weight to my phone as an unknown weight. I am glad it is smart enough to realize that no matter how strict I am about my diet and exercise, I cannot possibly lose 185-pounds in six weeks!

    I would imagine that were it sentient, my fitness watch would be wondering what has changed. I am blowing through 15,000 steps several days per week, which has not been the norm for a while. I hope to keep it up, and continue to surprise it.

    As I prepared for yesterday’s walk, I realized that my new workout shorts were in the laundry, and I decided to see what other workout shorts I have that fit. I pulled out maybe six pair from the bottom drawer, and sure enough, at least one pair (and possibly two) fit me just fine. I also found a sleeveless t-shirt that almost fits me, and knowing how hot it was, I decided to wear it anyways. I had vowed some months ago that I would never again go out in public wearing a shirt that exposed an inch (or any) of my belly… but when I am power-walking and jogging in the 35° heat, I would rather comfort over looks. Also, if anyone commented, I would simply say that I am wearing it to inspire me to exercise to fit into it!

  • Day 111

    Today is the day! I picked Leslie up from the airport last night, and it was so wonderful to have her here. I have had a bit of a stomach issue since yesterday afternoon, but that will not dampen our visit, nor will it interfere with our vacation. We are leaving the house in about 2 hours to drive to the airport, and once we are parked at the airport, as far as I am concerned, we are on vacation. YAY!!!

    I didn’t eat badly yesterday, but as I mentioned, my stomach has been a bit touchy. That is weird for me – my stomach does not have issues. I can imagine if I had eaten something ridiculous, but I did not. I will just take it easy for a couple of days and I know I will be fine. There was nothing out of the ordinary bowel-wise… neither excessive nor a shortage. Okay, I guess sometimes mere mortals will have stomach issues… and as I am a syllable from turning fifty, I should recognize that I am that.

    There are few pampering pleasures that are exclusively for men, but there is no question that a hot towel shave is just that. This morning, one year and two days after I said goodbye to my father, Leslie and I drove to the Village Cigar Company and Barbershop in Burlington, and before I sat in Barney’s chair, she took a moment to say goodbye to my full beard. I kept the goatee, but to quote my friend Emily (who commented on Facebook): “You no longer look like a homeless person.” I suspect I lost another pound by the time it was over, which would have been over and above the 1.8 lbs that I was down this morning from yesterday. I will hope to not gain too much weight in Cuba, but vacations can be tough, so I suppose I hope to not gain more than five pounds in Cuba.

    It is a beautiful day out, and I am wearing short sleeves. Leslie is wearing shorts, and I might just change into a pair before we go to the airport. It might drop below 25°C in Cuba… but it is unlikely. I have some packing left to do, but not much. Leslie is taking a nap in the bedroom, and I do not want to disturb her, but in a few minutes, I will go out to pick up lunch for us, and I will wake her for that… and then I will finish packing and we can hit the road. If we were not returning at 2:30am next week, I would arrange for alternate transportation to the airport. No thank you, I will happily pay the parking for the convenience of getting our luggage and walking right to our car.

    Have a great day folks! I have left placeholders for the next week, but hope to be able to blog every day anyways.

  • Day 103

    Again, the only transgression of yesterday’s intake was the peanuts. I think I am doing okay. I am once again down ever so slightly from yesterday, and I hope to continue on the path… a little bit lower every day. I know it will take a year or more to reach my goal, but I will continue to press on.

    While I am not in need of more pants, I was trying to figure out why it is that I have so many pair of size 44 pants, and then so many size 38 pants, and so few in size 40 and 42. Looking back, I recall that I was playing a game with Amazon, skirting the limits but still within the rules. I would order a few pair of pants in a size, knowing that within a few weeks (when I was on the extreme program) I would return them, and then purchase the pants in the smaller size. Add to that, I also gave several pair to a buddy of mine (who also suffers from the same affliction around the waist). That explains it. Of course, the ridiculous number of shirts that I have is a different story. Pants have to fit right, but a shirt can go from tight to loose to very loose, and still be wearable. For example, the golf shirt that I wore Saturday was very loose, but still perfectly fine to wear. With pants it is different. At a certain point a belt drawn too tight just looks silly.

    It was an emotionally difficult weekend. I do not think I did very much on Saturday, but Sunday I spent the afternoon with Lyle and Dorothy. Our friend Cameron’s brother came over to take an initial look at what has to be dealt with, and I wanted to be there to offer moral support. I had some other things going on as well, but that is all part of life. I did some shopping as well – I picked up a few things from Walmart (including sunscreen, which upon my return home I realized I have a lot of, and something that Leslie asked me to pick up), and I went to Bulk Barn (where I bought a handful of peanuts for myself, and a bagful of chocolate covered marshmallows for Leslie and her son). I also finally exchanged an empty propane tank which has been sitting empty since March or the beginning of April. It is amazing how much less of that I use when it is not the dead of winter, and I do not need the heater blasting in order to smoke a cigar.

    I have some errands to run this morning, which I should have finished in time to pick the cleaning lady up from the train station at 11:00am. Once that is all done, I will spend some time working on my presentation for later this week. While it has been a long time, the subject matter is one that I have spoken on countless times and am not worried or stressed over it. I do, however, need to put the slide deck together, or else I will be unprepared, which does not appeal to me.

    Food plans: stay the course! I should mention that I thought briefly about going for breakfast yesterday. The healthy omelette breakfast meal that I had last week was actually very good, and I considered treating myself. In the end I decided against it. It was an unnecessary indulgence. It is nice to have as a treat when I take my kids out, but indulgences that are indulged in too often become habits. Next week, starting Tuesday, I will be off my diet for a week. Leslie comes in late Monday evening, and I will let myself have a little bit of freedom. No, I will not gorge or indulge, but I will put the program aside for a week. Until then, I think my peanuts are enough of an indulgence, and I do not need to go for breakfasts as well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 98

    We are not yet at next week, but I hope nonetheless that I am in a better frame of mind today than I was yesterday. I know the work that I still have to do today, and while there is a deadline, I am nonetheless back on track to complete the task before the hard deadline. I am at my desk slightly earlier than I might otherwise be, were I not burdened with completing this assignment before day’s end. Otherwise, this morning is similar to most.

    I was surprised, when I checked the temperature and forecast this morning, to see that it was 1°C outside. It is not bitterly cold, but it is certainly cold enough that I pulled my ski jacket out, rather than my spring jacket that I have worn the last week. I decided that I would wear my older ski jacket, and not the one that I purchased at the beginning of this past winter. I wanted to prove to myself that I was not imagining that the smaller jacket fit. It does. I zipped it against the wind, and I was more than comfortable in it… even though it is still snug. That is to be expected, of course… but at the beginning of next season I hope it will not be so.

    I wrote yesterday evening that I was not sated by my smaller meals, and that I indulged in two extra meal-replacement bars throughout the day. I will adjust my portions accordingly today, in hope that I will have no need to do so again. While there may be little difference in calories between the larger meal and the meal replacement bars, the lunchtime meal starts to digest earlier, and… well, we will see.

    The bathroom scale (I am not going to start referring to it as the bedroom scale, despite its recent relocation) gave me three different readings today. Unlike past times, when these might be many pounds different, today’s three readings were all very similar – the three separated by 4/10ths of a pound. In the end, I settled for the middle reading, which has me up 2/10ths of a pound from yesterday. I know, I cannot be impatient. I also have to trust that despite all of these maddening daily ups and downs, I have been consistently down on my fortnightly weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. Those are the ones that really matter, right?

    Two weeks from today I will be waking up next to Leslie in Cuba for the first time. That means, of course, that she is arriving here in under two weeks. I am very excited – I really miss her. I love our long video chats, but it is not the same as being able to hold her in my arms. Friends who know we are going are asking if I am excited to be going back to Cuba after all this time. After all, this has been the longest span of time that I have not been in many years. Yes, I am excited… but I am so much more excited for going with Leslie. I am excited to share with her a gorgeous beach vacation where we can relax and enjoy ourselves… without any stress or aggravation or work.

    While there are days when I look out the window and am tempted to blow off my work to sit outside with a cigar, today is not one of them. It is not raining, but the sounds of the outside world – the wind, with hints of Blue (our upstairs neighbour Siberian Husky) crying will keep me honest today. The forecast high is 4°C, with a 50% chance of snow flurries. While the overnight temps will drop to -2°C, I will be in bed for all of the below-freezing hours. Tomorrow’s high is forecast at 10°, which is lovely… except that I will be inside teaching most of the day… and inside learning for most of the evening. The weekend is looking nice though… and not only because of the weather. I will be quite relieved to have this class behind me.

    Today is the ninety-eighth day of my diet; I have recorded my thoughts in this journal every day since January 20. While there have been bad days (Day 45 was the worst of them), I think I have, for the most part, done pretty well. No, I am not on the strict, one hundred percent meal-replacement program that the weight loss clinics would prescribe. However, most weight loss professionals would likely agree that losing forty-five pounds in 98 days is nothing to sneeze at, and indeed is a healthy pace. They usually tell you that 1-2 lbs per week is a healthy pace, and I am exactly there. The fact that I had previously succeeded in losing 100 lbs in the same time period (in 2017) is not relevant, as I was on the extreme program then with absolutely no solid foods. While some might see my current diet as extreme, I assure you that it is far from it… two meals per day is not bad at all.

    Of course, if I was losing weight faster, I would be happy… but I might also not be able to fit into the clothes that I ordered a month ago, which will be arriving in another month or so. They say 8-10 weeks, and I am eagerly hoping that they arrive sooner rather than later. Either way, they should be here in time for my flight to Dallas, which is June 16. I know, it is going to be extremely hot in Dallas in June… but wouldn’t it be nice one evening to be able to dress up for my girlfriend? Maybe to go out on the town, enjoy a fine meal, or even just a walk in the park. She deserves that!

    Since sitting down the first time this morning, I received an unexpected call that my glasses were ready. I ran down to the optometrist to collect them, as NOW was the only available slot they had for me to come in today. I headed out, and after having the sunglasses fixed (they were my own frames, so they do not guarantee anything… and yes, a piece fell off, but yes, it was repairable) I came home, sat down to work, and promptly had a dog jump up to sit on my desk, preventing any possible work. Okay, so I am now two hours behind on the day… but I should be able to make it through.

    Now that I can get back at my keyboard, it is time to do some work. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 94

    Today’s article could just as easily be titled ‘Perception of Progress: Do not trust your memory!’ I suspect I will have a lot of people who know exactly what I am talking about.

    I am in the phase where I feel like I have lost a lot of weight, and that I haven’t lost anything.

    Anyone who has ever had a huge belly will know that you can put your hands under it and lift it and see just how fat you are. The same goes for man-boobs. You lift them and bam, they are huge. I will not discuss the obesity of a woman’s chest for two reasons. First, having no first-hand experience having them, I cannot speak to it, and secondly, I expect that this is the one area where many women do not necessarily wish to shrink.

    I put my hands under my belly this morning and lifted, and it is truly large. It is easy to get discouraged by the sheer size of my belly. It is hard to remember that three months ago it was that much bigger… and while it is easy to say, ‘I’ve gotten nowhere,’ in truth I know that is it much smaller than it was.

    In fact, when Leslie was here a couple of weeks ago, I remember saying that I noticed that my man-boobs were much smaller than they had once been.

    With regard to weight loss and the shrinking of our body, perception is not in fact reality. That is why we need to measure ourselves. While I weigh myself on a daily basis, I only measure myself very occasionally, and I mark those numbers down even less frequently. My reasoning is simple: Every time I measure myself, I am disappointed. It disheartens me to see that I have only lost half an inch, or whatever it might be, after a month or two or three. It is interesting that I get excited by a 2kg weight loss over a fortnight, but not over losing 2” around my belly in eight weeks.

    After I wrote that last paragraph, I decided to measure myself. I have actually lost about 3” around my belly and a little over 3” around my chest. That is pretty huge, even if I have so far to go. What I have to remember though is that three months ago, my Size-44 pants were all tight, and there wasn’t a single size-42 pair that I could hope to wear. I had shirts that would not even come close to buttoning up, and I had to buy a larger winter jacket because neither my ski jacket nor my spring/fall jacket came close to doing up. Today, some of my size-44 pants are too loose to wear, and the ones that are not are getting there. I am wearing size-42 blue jeans. Most (but certainly not all) of my larger shirts fit or are close to fitting. Both of the jackets that I had set aside are a little tight, but certainly wearable.

    Okay, all of that is great, and hugely meaningful. Some of the other things I have to remember though are that it is not strictly about size. As I walked HRF Princess Sophie this morning, I realized how much more comfortable I am walking her, and how much easier it is to bend down to pick up after her. I am not even referring to the fact that earlier in the week I was able to go for a five-kilometer walk, which is huge… but the everyday things that need to get done are easier to do than they were. I am finding it easier to put on my socks and my shoes. I am not having the same difficulties walking. My knees still hurt when I walk up or down stairs, but that is in part due to injuries. I have an easier time getting out of bed, standing up (either from a chair or from the porcelain throne). I still do not find my low couch to be very comfortable, but I have no problem sitting or lying on it, because I can much more easily stand up from it. All of the activities that were (and still might be) more difficult with all of the weight are getting easier. It is a gradual process, but it is progress.

    A month or so ago, my doctor asked me what exercise I am doing. I told him that I am walking HRF a couple of times per day. He told me that unless I had a larger and more energetic dog, it was unlikely that the start-stop pace of dog-walking was going to get my cardio going. He was right, but now I can go out for those much longer walks when I want to. I will try to do it more often as the weather gets nicer. I know that in a couple of weeks I will be in Cuba, and I will try to get some good walks in there (no excuses on the weather, other than some might find it to be too hot).

    I have a long way to go; in truth, I am probably under one third of the way to the total weight loss I want to achieve. Every journey starts with a single step, and every diet starts with a single day. Today is the ninety-fourth day of my journey, and while there have been bumps and even severe bumps along the way, I am confident that I can continue to lose weight so that in time, hopefully within a year, I can have the slamming body that I always wished I could have.