Losing a part of me

Category: Despair

  • Day 1194

    Today is election day in Canada, and I plan to go vote right after my daytime class, hoping that I will get through it and home in time for my nighttime class. It is going to be tight if the lines are long, but I have to make my voice heard.

    Other than that, I still hate myself, have no hope, and wish that it was all over… but I cannot do that because I have people who depend on me… and I do not want to go deeper into that.

    I did not see any friends this weekend despite numerous plans. I did a lot of work, and I did some terrible things. I have to get off this terrible downward trend. I have to find a way to get a hold of myself and stop falling. I just see no way out… and no hope.

  • Day 1191

    I am feeling no more cheerier or positive today than I have been; this despite a lot of positive things going on in my life. It is the negative stuff that are so much stronger and harder to cope with. I am going to have to find a way.

    My weight seems to be normalizing, which is to say that after a week of Passover I am back to where I was before the holiday. Really the only bad thing I ate over the holidays was a lot of chicken soup with matzah balls, but the salt content of that is tremendous, and I spent a week and a half flushing it out.

    Now if only I could flush the sadness.

  • Day 1190

    And the beat goes on.

  • Day 1189

    I am so happy that I can help so many other people. I just wish I could help myself. I need to find a way out of this chasm but I do not see any escape.

  • Day 1188

    I am feeling no better than I did yesterday. I have to figure out a way to get out of this rut. No, rut is not the right term. It is a chasm.

  • Day 1187

    For the first time in years my rage erupted yesterday. I have been doing everything I can to keep myself in check, and while I have not always made the right decision, I have nevertheless been able to remain composed. Yesterday afternoon, shortly after I pressed publish on my very short journal entry, I got frustrated with a mouse and smashed it to the floor. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, but the demon came out of me for a minute. My friend, who was sitting at my kitchen table and watching it happen, was probably more than a little shocked. He asked if I wanted to talk but I said that I did not. Shortly afterwards I walked out to go to dinner with other friends.

    I was not going to go for dinner last night because I was feeling so distraught. I went partly because the alternative was staying home and having to talk about it with my buddy, partly because I knew that the friend with whom I was having dinner is a mental health advocate and if I did want to talk he would be a good listener, but mostly because I knew his wife was preparing dinner based on my dietary requirements and I did not want to cancel at the last minute. During the drive down there, I was able to try to get my emotions in check, and while I am still feeling like total garbage, I am at least back to being somewhat functional.

    It is funny that my head and heart are so completely asunder, and yet my friend and his wife are turning to me to help them. I feel like I am a complete fraud. There is an old saying that therapists need more help than anyone. Maybe right now I am qualified. Who knows? I am probably an idiot for trying.

    It is hard for me to admit but I am in a disastrous place in my life, and I do not know how I will be able to go on. I am told I need to lose weight, which I want to do, but I also feel like I am losing everything and there is nothing good in my life and that drives me to eat. I do now know how or if I will get out of it, but I am not hopeful. At this point I wonder if…

    Hopefully I’ll be a little less miserable tomorrow. I can’t imagine why that would be, but here’s hoping.

  • Day 1185

    My day today will be consumed with helping my buddy. I can’t do anything else.

    I have been thinking these last few days about stopping my daily blogging… at least for now. I am not sure what I am going to do. I need to get right with myself. It is not an easy task.

  • Day 1184

    Today has been a long day for me… but a longer day for a good friend, who I am going to spend some time with this evening. Talk tomorrow.

  • Day 1182

    My emotions are not getting any better. I am trying to get through the days, but it is hard. Yesterday I was able to focus on work which was good. Hopefully today will be the same.

    All I ate yesterday after breakfast was soup, but my weight was up this morning. I think the soup was way too salty and I am retaining water.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1180

    It did not occur to me until later that I forgot to weigh myself this morning. That is too bad, as I think I did pretty well yesterday. Well, if I continue that trend today, then I will see a great improvement tomorrow over yesterday.

    The soup came out wonderfully. Unfortunately, that, along with everything else that I said or heard or did yesterday, reminded me of the one thing I am trying to keep off my mind. I swear that I must have told Lyle three dozen times yesterday that ‘Oh, that reminds me of…’ The despair continues.